1. All right, Drunken
Clammers, this is it,Copy !req
2. the most important
game of the season.Copy !req
3. Now, is everybody drunk?Copy !req
4. Completely.
Okay, good.Copy !req
5. And did nobody warm up?Copy !req
6. Good. 'Cause there's nothing
an unstretched middle-aged bodyCopy !req
7. likes more than
explosive movements.Copy !req
8. Now remember, we're here
to impress the girlfriendsCopy !req
9. of guys we barely know,Copy !req
10. so when you get the ball,
throw it like a cannon.Copy !req
11. You must throw your arm out
on every play.Copy !req
12. Any other softball-related
questions?Copy !req
13. Yeah, I got a question:Copy !req
14. Can we leave
our bad-for-the-environmentCopy !req
15. Styrofoam coolers behind
when we leave?Copy !req
16. Yes, you must
leave them behind,Copy !req
17. and they must be
in a crumbly messCopy !req
18. so that the city clean-up
workers have to chaseCopy !req
19. the little bits
when the wind blows.Copy !req
20. You know, Stewie, this is
actually a good park.Copy !req
21. I've found a lot
of old tennis balls here.Copy !req
22. Eh, I don't care
for this place.Copy !req
23. Last time I was here,Copy !req
24. I accidentally walked
into a Spanish picnic.Copy !req
25. Excuse me, has anyone seen
a toy car around here?Copy !req
26. Ooh. Es baby.Copy !req
27. I make beautiful.Copy !req
28. Don't get any ideas
about Julio.Copy !req
29. I'm his number one.Copy !req
30. Here comes
Goldman's Pharmacy.Copy !req
31. Hey, Goldman's Pharmacy!Copy !req
32. Can you fill out a prescription
for us for diarrhea?Copy !req
33. We're about to get the runs!Copy !req
34. Oh, yeah?
Well, speaking of thingsCopy !req
35. that are brown and can run,Copy !req
36. meet our new teammate!Copy !req
37. Holy crap.
They got a ringer.Copy !req
38. What the hell?
Jerome's on your team?Copy !req
39. That's right.
We got to know each otherCopy !req
40. while I was following
him around my store.Copy !req
41. What's up, fools?
I'd like to dedicateCopy !req
42. my performance today
to Miss Whitney Houston.Copy !req
43. Oh, we are.Copy !req
44. Come on, Jerome!Copy !req
45. Get a hit so I can bringCopy !req
46. a sports trophy home
for my parents!Copy !req
47. Jeffrey Lipsitz
has two soccer medals!Copy !req
48. I can't play soccer—
I have newborn-calf ankles!Copy !req
49. You know this, damn it!Copy !req
50. I'm gonna tear the cover
off this ball.Copy !req
51. But, hang on, first I got
to adjust myself.Copy !req
52. Are you having
a nice morning, dear?Copy !req
53. Oh, yes, I love living here,
in the next town over.Copy !req
54. All right, chick batter!Copy !req
55. Everyone bring it in!Copy !req
56. Bring it on in!Copy !req
57. Get a hit, babe!Copy !req
58. You know it, babe.Copy !req
59. All right, move it back!
Move it back!Copy !req
60. Peter, why do you look
so nervous?Copy !req
61. I promised a kid in the hospital
I'd hit a home run for him.Copy !req
62. Sorry, I struck
out looking.Copy !req
63. Wait, you're not
the kid I promised.Copy !req
64. No, he died last night.Copy !req
65. Oh, phew.Copy !req
66. All right, guys, one more out
and the game is ours.Copy !req
67. Come on, Horace!
Strike him out!Copy !req
68. Horace! You okay?Copy !req
69. Oh, my God!
He's really hurt bad!Copy !req
70. You're out of the baseline,
by the way.Copy !req
71. You're out. Game's over.Copy !req
72. But, oh, my God,
Horace is really hurt.Copy !req
73. He's dead.Copy !req
74. Let him rest in peace.Copy !req
75. Let's put
some leaves on himCopy !req
76. and go get some ice cream.Copy !req
77. I can't believe Horace is dead.Copy !req
78. I can't believe we left Brian
in the car with the windows up.Copy !req
79. I'm gonna pee!Copy !req
80. Listen, I just
feel awful about this.Copy !req
81. Horace was a good bartender
and a good guy.Copy !req
82. I wish there was something
I could do.Copy !req
83. Well, we know you
didn't mean it, Jerome.Copy !req
84. It's just a
terrible situation.Copy !req
85. Like when you're the
only one at the tableCopy !req
86. where the waiter doesn't
say, "Good order."Copy !req
87. I'll have
the halibut.
Ah, great choice.Copy !req
88. One of the chef's specialties;
you'll love it.Copy !req
89. It was caught fresh less
than ten miles from here.Copy !req
90. I'll have the New York
strip steak.Copy !req
91. Mmm! My absolute
favorite dish here.Copy !req
92. It is a spectacular cut,
superbly seasonedCopy !req
93. and the marbling is some
of the best I've ever seen.Copy !req
94. And I'll have
the chicken.Copy !req
95. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
96. Good afternoon.Copy !req
97. I'd just like to say that...Copy !req
98. before today, I didn't know
the Munsters were driving aroundCopy !req
99. in a funeral car.Copy !req
100. I'm beginning to think
everything on that showCopy !req
101. was a big joke.Copy !req
102. I'd, um... I'd just like...Copy !req
103. Whe... When you lose...Copy !req
104. (high-Um, there's
so... There's so mu...Copy !req
105. There's so much...Copy !req
106. I... I...Copy !req
107. Thank you, Quagmire.Copy !req
108. Perhaps there are some men who
would like to say a few words.Copy !req
109. Horace owned the Clam
for over 30 years.Copy !req
110. During that time,
he touched all of our lives.Copy !req
111. He was a great bartender
and a great friend.Copy !req
112. And so let us take
a look back on his lifeCopy !req
113. through this video
commemorating all the DUI'sCopy !req
114. that he was responsible for.Copy !req
115. E.T.:
Ouch.Copy !req
116. Is there a bathroom in here?Copy !req
117. I've been yo-yoing a turd
for the last 20 minutes.Copy !req
118. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
119. I was looking
for the bathroom.Copy !req
120. I shouldn't have left
the door open.Copy !req
121. Sorry if you're grossed out
by this.Copy !req
122. No. No, no, I'm just...Copy !req
123. not used to seeing corpses
that big and not in a toilet.Copy !req
124. Oh, here, let me
help you with that.Copy !req
125. There you go.Copy !req
126. Now you're all set
for your big day.Copy !req
127. Thanks. You know, I could use
some part-time help hereCopy !req
128. preparing the bodies,
if you're interested.Copy !req
129. Really? Yeah,
that'd-that'd be great.Copy !req
130. I could use the money,Copy !req
131. and I'm getting kind of
tired of my old job.Copy !req
132. Only a half a point divides
our top two competitorsCopy !req
133. as we enter the last event,
the Meg Roll.Copy !req
134. You think it's cool
to go drinkingCopy !req
135. right after Horace's funeral?Copy !req
136. Of course. It's what
he would've wanted.Copy !req
137. Listen, we all
got to move on.Copy !req
138. Like the Secret Service did
on November 23, 1963.Copy !req
139. All right, guys,
I know that yesterdayCopy !req
140. was a rough one for us.Copy !req
141. But it's with great prideCopy !req
142. that I'm gonna turn this zero
into a one.Copy !req
143. All right!Copy !req
144. Nichols, you should
go home and change.Copy !req
145. What the hell?
Hey, pal, what're you doing?Copy !req
146. This is our bar.Copy !req
147. Not anymore.Copy !req
148. Horace owed more
than this place is worth,Copy !req
149. so it's the bank's now.Copy !req
150. I'm sorry but The Drunken Clam
is permanently closed.Copy !req
151. Closed?Copy !req
152. That was the start
of the dark times.Copy !req
153. The banks took our bars, our
businesses and then our homes.Copy !req
154. A change had to be made.Copy !req
155. A change only one man
could make.Copy !req
156. I am the Wind Maker...Copy !req
157. and I shoot monkeys now.Copy !req
158. We now return
to Joanie Loves Chris Brown.Copy !req
159. Joanie! Chris!Copy !req
160. Welcome to the party.
Can I offer you some punch?Copy !req
161. No, thanks. I had
some in the car.Copy !req
162. Joanie Loves
Chris Brown was taped in frontCopy !req
163. of a very uncomfortable
studio audience.Copy !req
164. Man, it really sucks
they closed down the Clam.Copy !req
165. Yeah, but I... I mean,
this is good, right?Copy !req
166. I mean, as long as we got a
place to drink and a restroomCopy !req
167. for businessmen to have
homosexual encounters.Copy !req
168. Hey, thanks for the sex.Copy !req
169. Thank you for notarizing
those documents.Copy !req
170. Peter, what's
going on down here?Copy !req
171. Why are there beer bottles
all over the floor?Copy !req
172. Well, we needed a new spot
to drink, Lois.Copy !req
173. Forget it, Peter.Copy !req
174. You're not turning our
living room into a bar.Copy !req
175. Oh, come on, Lois, we got
to have a place to drink.Copy !req
176. Drinking is the only thingCopy !req
177. holding this friendship
together.Copy !req
178. Everything we try to do sober
just ends badly.Copy !req
179. I just don't think a good way
to start a screenplay is,Copy !req
180. "400 years ago
in Bethesda, Maryland."Copy !req
181. Yeah, and don't you think it's
confusing that every characterCopy !req
182. in the movie is named
Movie Guy?
Come on, you guys.Copy !req
183. The Oscars are next week,
so let's get this done.Copy !req
184. Meg, I'm needed upstairs,
so I'll let you finish up.Copy !req
185. Just put some blush
here and here.Copy !req
186. It makes the eyes look
a little less dead and hollow.Copy !req
187. Wow, that really works.Copy !req
188. Hmm. Maybe I'll try
that on myself.Copy !req
189. Oh, uh... you have what we call
a "closed casket face."Copy !req
190. Hey, Meg,
who's your date?Copy !req
191. He looks like a real stiff.Copy !req
192. Chris, what the hell
are you doing here?Copy !req
193. I told you not to
bother me at work.Copy !req
194. I got locked out of the house,
and I need your key.Copy !req
195. No way! You get to work
with all these dead people?Copy !req
196. Hey, look,
this guy's picking his nose.Copy !req
197. Look, now he's eating it!Copy !req
198. Chris! Knock it off!Copy !req
199. You're gonna get me
in trouble!Copy !req
200. Meg, they're dead.Copy !req
201. Would you stop being so uptight?Copy !req
202. You're like one
of those Asian-AmericansCopy !req
203. who fought in Vietnam.Copy !req
204. Oh, it's just me.Copy !req
205. Peter, I thought you were taking
us to a new drinking spot.Copy !req
206. What are we doing at the Clam?
Look, guys,Copy !req
207. we tried other bars,
we tried drinking at home,Copy !req
208. we even tried the big
end-of-the-yearCopy !req
209. high school party
that will change everything.Copy !req
210. If we don't lose our
virginity tonight,Copy !req
211. we're never gonna
make it in college!Copy !req
212. Hey, where's Peter?Copy !req
213. Only talking to Amanda Small,
the hottest girl in school.Copy !req
214. But aren't you going out
with Joanne Fuller?Copy !req
215. JoJo? No, she's my neighbor.
I've known her forever.Copy !req
216. She works at her dad's garage.Copy !req
217. She's practically a guy.Copy !req
218. JoJo?Copy !req
219. Hi, Peter.Copy !req
220. But I thought you was workin'
on your garbage sculpture.Copy !req
221. There was someone
I had to see first.Copy !req
222. Sorry, Amanda.
By the law of '80s movies,Copy !req
223. a newly transformed tomboyCopy !req
224. supersedes your
long-standing hotness.Copy !req
225. Let's face it— there's only
one drinking spot for us,Copy !req
226. and it's the Clam.
But, Peter, it's closed.Copy !req
227. We can't go in there.Copy !req
228. Quagmire, when a girl
says she doesn't wantCopy !req
229. to have sex with you,
do you take that as an answer?Copy !req
230. My lawyer has advised me
not to answer that question.Copy !req
231. Look, I bet you could squeeze
through that window.Copy !req
232. It's not even locked.Copy !req
233. And all the booze
is still in there.Copy !req
234. Come on, guys,
this is trespassingCopy !req
235. and it's against the law.Copy !req
236. Maybe we should
just let the Clam goCopy !req
237. and, I don't know,
spend more timeCopy !req
238. with our families.Copy !req
239. Yeah, I tried that.Copy !req
240. I just spend most of the timeCopy !req
241. testing Chris to see
if he's autistic.Copy !req
242. No!Copy !req
243. Not overly affectionate.Copy !req
244. Guys, this is where we belong.Copy !req
245. Yeah, no question
about that.Copy !req
246. Yeah, we got roots here.Copy !req
247. We've been coming
to this place for 15 years.Copy !req
248. Our roots go back
further than that.Copy !req
249. My grandfather
used to bring me hereCopy !req
250. when I was a kid.Copy !req
251. And his grandfather
brought him here.Copy !req
252. Good day, gentlemen!Copy !req
253. Welcome to the Drunken Clam!Copy !req
254. Can I get you boys
a mug of stout?Copy !req
255. Why, certainly.Copy !req
256. This is a bully establishment
you've got here.Copy !req
257. The doors are a little short,Copy !req
258. but that's okay,Copy !req
259. because we're smaller back now.Copy !req
260. To the Clam!Copy !req
261. Hear, hear!Copy !req
262. And to brain-damaging
venereal disease.Copy !req
263. I wake up with blood
on my penis pillow.Copy !req
264. I'm gonna go insaneCopy !req
265. in a wheelchair,
staring at the sea.Copy !req
266. This is everything about..Copy !req
267. if it's the Clam, I love it.Copy !req
268. I was just
gonna... that's exactly.Copy !req
269. Hey, uh, remember...
remember-remember when...Copy !req
270. remember when... remember
when Quicktime hereCopy !req
271. passed out in this...
in this booth...Copy !req
272. this booth,
and we did stuff to himCopy !req
273. that you do to ladies
and we-we promisedCopy !req
274. we'd never tell you.Copy !req
275. Wha...?Copy !req
276. To the Clam!Copy !req
277. Joe, you— wha...
your hair looks stupid.Copy !req
278. All... all the greatest...Copy !req
279. all the greatest
moments of my life,Copy !req
280. I spent right here
in-in this booth.Copy !req
281. Maggie's first word.Copy !req
282. Bart jumping that canyon.Copy !req
283. Mr. Plow.Copy !req
284. All the greatest
moments of my life.Copy !req
285. Why is... why is Label GuyCopy !req
286. trying to punch me?Copy !req
287. Punch you first, Label Guy.Copy !req
288. I got to go pee.Copy !req
289. I don't want to get up.Copy !req
290. Joe, where's the... that thing?Copy !req
291. Where's the thing?
Where's the catheter thing?Copy !req
292. No, it's mine,
it's private.Copy !req
293. Hey, what happens
if I blow in this end?Copy !req
294. Don't, I'll 'splode.Copy !req
295. I'm gonna.Copy !req
296. You do it better
than Bonnie.Copy !req
297. It takes a man
to know what a man likes.Copy !req
298. Meg, the Dougan family
called and they now wantCopy !req
299. Mr. Dougan in a gray suit
for the wake tomorrow.Copy !req
300. 'Cause it so matters.Copy !req
301. Could you change
his suit, please?Copy !req
302. Sure.
I'll be back in a bit.Copy !req
303. Oh... my... God!Copy !req
304. All right, Chris,
where is it?Copy !req
305. And don't try to act likeCopy !req
306. you don't know what
I'm talking about.Copy !req
307. Fine, you caught me.Copy !req
308. So I borrowed your bra.Copy !req
309. My boobs hurt when I
go down the stairs!Copy !req
310. No, not that, you idiot.Copy !req
311. Where is the dead body?Copy !req
312. I know you took it.Copy !req
313. And don't lie, or I'll
tell Jennifer ConnellyCopy !req
314. that you're the one
who's been mailing herCopy !req
315. those dog heads.Copy !req
316. Uh, yes, I'd like
to mail this to a whore.Copy !req
317. Okay, fine, Meg!Copy !req
318. I used the body to get me
into R-rated movies.Copy !req
319. After that,
I took him swimmingCopy !req
320. and he fell apart.Copy !req
321. Chris, Mr. Dougan's
wake is tomorrow,Copy !req
322. and there's going to be
a body in that casket.Copy !req
323. If it's not his,
it's going to be yours.Copy !req
324. Hey, guys,
what's goin' on?Copy !req
325. And no one says anything,Copy !req
326. which means they hate it.Copy !req
327. Oh, God.Copy !req
328. I am so hung over.Copy !req
329. Me, too.Copy !req
330. But luckily,
when I'm hung over,Copy !req
331. I can just molt
into another Peter.Copy !req
332. Wow, that's amazing.Copy !req
333. Yeah, but for the next
ten minutes,Copy !req
334. I'll be very vulnerable
to predators.Copy !req
335. Mountain lion.Copy !req
336. Make yourself look big!Copy !req
337. What the hell?Copy !req
338. There's a bunch
of bulldozers out there.Copy !req
339. Hold it, hold it!
What-what's going on?Copy !req
340. We're here to
demolish this buildingCopy !req
341. by order of the bank.Copy !req
342. Like hell you are!Copy !req
343. Wh-What are you
talking about, Peter?Copy !req
344. We ain't goin' nowhere.Copy !req
345. This bar belongs to us.Copy !req
346. Ice cream truck!Copy !req
347. You didn't get any ice cream?Copy !req
348. The ice cream man
was handsome.Copy !req
349. I got nervous.Copy !req
350. We interrupt this programCopy !req
351. for a Channel Five
breaking news report.Copy !req
352. Three local men
have barricaded themselvesCopy !req
353. inside a Quahog bar,
and are currentlyCopy !req
354. in a standoff with authorities.Copy !req
355. We now go live to Joyce Kinney,Copy !req
356. who attended her sister's
wedding last night.Copy !req
357. Thanks, Tom.Copy !req
358. One of the suspects has beenCopy !req
359. identified as Peter Griffin.Copy !req
360. But the real story is,Copy !req
361. I'd be married, too,Copy !req
362. if I were willing
to date a Persian.Copy !req
363. Guys, they found him.Copy !req
364. Don't bother
with the posters.Copy !req
365. My God,
what is Peter thinking?Copy !req
366. Yes, he's crazy as
a serial killer.Copy !req
367. All right, what do you
want for your last meal?Copy !req
368. Uh, I think I'll
just have a salad.Copy !req
369. Dressing on the side.Copy !req
370. I had a huge last lunch.Copy !req
371. All right, listen up in there!Copy !req
372. Let's not make this
any harder than it has to be.Copy !req
373. We have a lot of dumb cops here.Copy !req
374. Guys, this is crazy.Copy !req
375. Plus, I'm a cop.Copy !req
376. I can't be a part of this.Copy !req
377. Come on, Joe, this is our bar.Copy !req
378. It's where the three of us
made that suicide pactCopy !req
379. that Quagmire and I are gonna
back out of at the last minute.Copy !req
380. I'm sorry, guys,
but it's my job.Copy !req
381. I got a family to support.Copy !req
382. That jerk!Copy !req
383. How could he desert us?Copy !req
384. Relax, Quagmire,
he's just doing his job.Copy !req
385. You'll forgive him.Copy !req
386. Just like Kathleen Turner
forgave her mirror.Copy !req
387. Sorry.Copy !req
388. Turns out you were
right about me.Copy !req
389. Officer, wait!Copy !req
390. I'm his wife;
give me that bullhorn.Copy !req
391. Peter, you get out here
right now,Copy !req
392. or else I'm throwing awayCopy !req
393. all of your
Mr. Potato Heads, I swear.Copy !req
394. It's okay, she only knows
where the decoys are.Copy !req
395. Swanson, there you are.Copy !req
396. Listen, you hang out
at this dump.Copy !req
397. I want you to go in there
and end this thing.Copy !req
398. I'll do my best, sir.Copy !req
399. This is our bar.Copy !req
400. It's the cornerstone
of our friendship.Copy !req
401. Joe, this is Tim Gunn.Copy !req
402. I agree with your friend.Copy !req
403. I got to get that guy
out of my head.Copy !req
404. Look, they're sending Joe in.Copy !req
405. All right, listen up, fellas.Copy !req
406. Joe, wait, put your gun down.Copy !req
407. There's no point
in fighting anymore.Copy !req
408. We'll leave quietly.Copy !req
409. Like hell you will.Copy !req
410. This is our Clam,Copy !req
411. and we are not
gonna let them take it.Copy !req
412. Yay! All right!
All right! Yeah!Copy !req
413. We love Joe!Copy !req
414. Swanson, what the hell's
going on in here?Copy !req
415. I'm sorry, Chief.Copy !req
416. I just can't let them
bulldoze this building.Copy !req
417. Hey, Joe, is this
the same chiefCopy !req
418. whose wife is a real hog?Copy !req
419. Swanson, don't be a fool.Copy !req
420. You really want to throw away
your career on this?Copy !req
421. Guys, your bar is gone.Copy !req
422. And since
it's bank property,Copy !req
423. I have no choice but to place
you all under arrest.Copy !req
424. It ain't
bank property no more.Copy !req
425. Jerome?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
426. Listen, it's kind of
all my faultCopy !req
427. this happened
in the first place.Copy !req
428. I'm responsible
for Horace's death.Copy !req
429. Plus, as a former athlete,
it's my responsibilityCopy !req
430. to invest my earnings
in a restaurant, bar,Copy !req
431. or car dealership.Copy !req
432. What sport did you play?Copy !req
433. Lacrosse.Copy !req
434. Which is also
my brother's name.Copy !req
435. Look, I felt bad
about what I did to Horace.Copy !req
436. So, when I heard on the newsCopy !req
437. that they were tearing down
his bar,Copy !req
438. I saw buying it as a way
to carry on Horace's legacy.Copy !req
439. So I own the Clam now.Copy !req
440. Chief, you can call
off your cops.Copy !req
441. And you can send those
bulldozers home.Copy !req
442. Yay, the Clam is saved!Copy !req
443. Yeah! All right.Copy !req
444. We pulled it off, guys.Copy !req
445. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
446. And all because
I believed in myselfCopy !req
447. like Pop-Pop always said.Copy !req
448. Please give me rat poison,Copy !req
449. I want only to die.Copy !req
450. No, we did it, Pop-Pop.Copy !req
451. Meg, the family is hereCopy !req
452. for Mr. Dougan's wake,Copy !req
453. so could you please
bring in the body?Copy !req
454. Meg, I'm not doing this.Copy !req
455. You have to, Chris.Copy !req
456. Siblings have to look
out for each other.Copy !req
457. Like the Mannings.Copy !req
458. Eli, you threw
for three touchdowns today,Copy !req
459. which isn't bad,
except Peyton had four.Copy !req
460. Well, Cooper got pre-approved
for a Visa card today.Copy !req
461. Come on, guys,
we all had a good day.Copy !req
462. Stop it.Copy !req
463. I have an itch.Copy !req
464. I don't care.Copy !req
465. Dead people don't
scratch their balls.Copy !req
466. Well, I can't help it.Copy !req
467. It's these damn wool pants.Copy !req
468. I'm going bananas.Copy !req
469. If I can't scratch them,
you have to.Copy !req
470. Shh!Copy !req
471. Just, uh, straightening out
his pants a little.Copy !req
472. Oh, yeah...
yeah, that's good.Copy !req
473. Scratch it. Scratch it.Copy !req
474. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
475. Hello, I'm Helen Dougan.Copy !req
476. My husband had filled out
an organ donor cardCopy !req
477. before he passed away,Copy !req
478. and a woman just lost
her face in a freak accident.Copy !req
479. Meg, though you cannot tell,
I am frowning.Copy !req
480. Wow, Jerome, the
place looks great.Copy !req
481. Yeah, look at you,
owning a bar.Copy !req
482. You guys are doing
pretty good.Copy !req
483. First you get to run
Somalia, now this.Copy !req
484. Well, it sure is goodCopy !req
485. to be back in the old Clam.Copy !req
486. Hey, there's some guys
sitting in our booth.Copy !req
487. Maybe we should tell them
it's our booth.Copy !req
488. Uh-huh. Or we could
just sit on the floor,
next to these garbage cans.Copy !req
489. Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION,Copy !req
490. Brought to you by VOLKSWAGEN.Copy !req