Family Guy 11x13

Directed by Jerry Langford

James Burkholder as (voice) • Anne Murray as Anne Murray (voice) • Robert Romanus as Mike Damone • Adam West as Mayor Adam West (voice) • Max Burkholder as (voice) • Adam West as Adam West (voice)

Chris leaves home to move in with Herbert while Stewie and Brian become obsessed with singer Anne Murray.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. All right, class, today we're going

2. to be talking about variables.

3. Okay, it's just a rear end.

4. We all have one.

5. Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's.

6. No, we're not laughing at you.

7. We're laughing at Griffin's shoes.

8. Why, what's wrong with them?

9. I don't even know what those are.

10. What's "Teslik"?

11. Um, I'm not sure, but my mom says they're

12. very popular with Latvian athletes.

13. Running, throwing, lifting big things.

14. Teslik.

15. That's all right with me, man.

16. Each shoe sold separate.

17. Are they really that bad?

18. Are you kidding? They're terrible.

19. Man, high school is rough.

20. This year it's sneakers.

21. Last year it was all about being overweight

22. and wearing a baseball cap.

23. Hey, guys, sure hope we win

24. the big game on Saturday.

25. Get lost. Dork.

26. Yeah, gain some weight, will ya?

27. Oh, of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

28. That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?

29. That kid was Indian and 11 years old.

30. Where are you finding my friends?

31. Oh, someone's a little cranky.

32. Here, let me put on the radio.

33. Yuck, this is awful.

34. My God, who is this enchantress?

35. My little Stewie likes Anne Murray.

36. She sounds like an angel.

37. It's like her voice is putting my entire body in her mouth.

38. You like that, Stewie?

39. You like Anne Murray's music?

40. Do I?

41. I've never known such happiness.

42. This must be what it's like for you

43. when you're buying potatoes or scraping your heels

44. or smushing on makeup for a sad night out.

45. This portion of the Channel 5 News at 6:00

46. is brought to you buy condoms.

47. Put us on backwards a little bit,

48. then put us on the right way.

49. Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers.

50. What? I just bought you new sneakers.

51. I know, but I need cooler ones.

52. Shut up, and stop complaining.

53. When I was your age, I didn't even have sneakers.

54. We wore stale hamburger buns.

55. No, you didn't, Peter.

56. Shh, he doesn't know that.

57. He's just a dumb, fat loser.

58. Did you see his shoes?

59. Look, Chris, I'm sorry, but money's tight right now.

60. Yeah, I even had to take a second job

61. as a door-to-door vacuum salesman.

62. This thing can pick up anything.

63. Here's a little demonstration.

64. I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces,

65. and, to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces.

66. Tough stain, right?

67. Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.

68. All right, Rupert, you ready to get lost in some Anne?

69. What a woman.

70. To think Canada's got her,

71. and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.

72. That's it, I'm getting those sneakers.

73. After all, shoes make the man.

74. Gentlemen, take your marks.

75. I'm a different kind of winner.

76. Oh, come on, Dad, there's no cash in here.

77. Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted on your car,"

78. with his insurance info.

79. Busted.

80. Geez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad

81. would leave the house without their purse and wallet.

82. I wonder where they are?

83. Can I get you anything else?

84. Uh, two more Cokes, please.

85. Could you excuse me?

86. Hello.

87. Damone, it's Peter.

88. I'm at my date and I left my wallet at home.

89. Will you please borrow your mom's car,

90. drive to my house, get my wallet,

91. and bring it back here?

92. Damone, are you there? Damone?

93. Yeesh, I'm really kind of busy.

94. Come on, just do me this one favor.

95. All right, but you owe me for this one.

96. Oh, thanks, Damone.

97. And that was the last we ever saw of him.

98. Well, well, well.

99. Who do we have here?

100. It's me, Chris, you know me.

101. Why are you talking like a bad guy?

102. Listen, I saw you steal money from Mom's purse.

103. Oh...

104. Well, I was just trying to get new sneakers.

105. You're not going to tell on me, are you?

106. Well, that depends. On what?

107. How about, I won't tell Mom and Dad about the money

108. if you promise to do whatever I say.

109. Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts.

110. I mean it, Chris.

111. I'll tell them.

112. Mom, Chris took money out of the...

113. Okay, okay, okay.

114. I'll do whatever you want.

115. I thought you'd see it that way.

116. Here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me.

117. Shouldn't have taken that money, Chris.

118. Eh, she's right. I'm a horrible person.

119. I'm only one step above those people

120. who really like dive bars and really need you to know it.

121. I love this place. I love dive bars.

122. Dive bars are my favorite.

123. They're so much better than regular bars

124. because worse is better.

125. I know, right?

126. They're my favorite, too.

127. I'm quirky like that.

128. I've got quirky taste.

129. I'm a quirky girl.

130. It seems like we would be perfect for each other.

131. But really we're terrible for everyone.

132. ♪ And though I...

133. What the hell?

134. Are you listening to Anne Murray?

135. Uh, I am experiencing Anne Murray.

136. Why? That music is complete crap.

137. Um, excuse me?

138. It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe.

139. It has no edge whatsoever.

140. Yeah, neither does a soft summer breeze,

141. or a letter from an old friend.

142. I'm pretty sure envelopes have edges.

143. Fine, an e-mail. Dick.

144. Whatever. You know what? I don't care.

145. I think Anne Murray sucks, and that's my opinion.

146. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to make

147. a believer out of you, Brian.

148. I am going to show you the true meaning of Anne Murray.

149. Don't waste your time, I'm not going to change my mind.

150. I don't know, Bri, I can make things happen

151. when I want to.

152. Just ask my twin brother.

153. And here's baby boy number one.

154. I understand you've decided to name him Stewie.

155. One more to go.

156. And here he... oh.

157. Oh, dear.

158. Oh, no, did Dave not make it?

159. Okay, Meg, I've cleaned your room

160. and I did your homework.

161. Can I be done now?

162. Oh, no, there's a lot more things

163. I need you to do for me.

164. There are? Like what?

165. Well, now you have to watch

166. An Officer and a Gentlemen with me.

167. And that's it?

168. No.

169. At the end, when Richard Gere

170. carries Debra Winger out of the paper mill,

171. you have to read what's on this index card.

172. That's going to be you some day, Meg.

173. I know it will.

174. I just know it will.

175. Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts,

176. but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself,

177. so you need to help me.

178. Really? Is it that hard?

179. My eyes are too sensitive.

180. It's like they overreact or something.

181. Okay.

182. Ah, what happened to your eye?

183. Don't worry about it. Just put the lens in.

184. But where do I put it?

185. The pupil's gone.

186. Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball.

187. I think it rolled up into my head.

188. Look, just... just do the other one.

189. You look like one of those blind jazz guys.

190. Where are you? I can't see anything.

191. I don't like this.

192. Just wear your stupid glasses.

193. Chris, I'm blind.

194. I'm sorry, Meg.

195. What the hell is all this?

196. This is history, Brian.

197. A key moment in the history of happiness.

198. Have a seat.

199. Some hardcore , right?

200. Wow, thank you for turning me on

201. to something so amazing.

202. Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.

203. And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear

204. would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.

205. Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment...

206. and beyond?

207. Okay, Meg, I stood outside

208. Planned Parenthood for 36 hours

209. and here are the pictures

210. of every girl in your class who went in.

211. All right, good.

212. Now I want you to call them

213. as if you're their dead baby.

214. No way, that was the last thing on your list.

215. I-I can't do this anymore.

216. Well, you should've thought of that

217. before you stole money out of Mom's purse.

218. I own you.

219. Now, here's my post office key.

220. I need you to go downtown

221. and get the stuff from my P.O. box.

222. You-you don't get your mail here?

223. No, I get a lot of private correspondence

224. from the Netherlands.

225. Like what?

226. Like, I'm part of a group that

227. kind of trashes Anne Frank's house every year.

228. You know what? No. That's it.

229. I'm not-I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg.

230. Chris, don't you see? You have no choice.

231. I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money

232. and they'll ground your ass for a year.

233. I don't care, tell them.

234. 'Cause I'm not even going to be here.

235. I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again.

236. Good, go.

237. And who's even going to miss you?

238. You're just a little thief.

239. Where you going, Chris?

240. Who are you going to turn to?

241. You don't even have any friends.

242. Hi. I ran away from home.

243. Do you mind if I live with you?

244. Live with me?

245. My goodness, I feel like

246. I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.

247. Hot dog, it's real.

248. Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00, I'm-I'm not really tired yet.

249. Well, you had those three cups of Nyquil.

250. You'll be down soon enough.

251. Okay, good night, Mr. Herbert.

252. Sweet dreams, Chris.

253. Mr. Herbert, what's life really all about?

254. Well, I suppose it's about trying new things;

255. sampling the sweet and the savory;

256. not being afraid to take everything

257. life wants to throw up on into ya.

258. Wow.

259. I never looked at it like that before.

260. Thanks, Mr. Herbert.

261. But don't you think it's scary

262. to try new things?

263. No, Chris.

264. Life is like a new baseball glove.

265. At first you think

266. you're never going to get a ball in there.

267. But then you oil it up, work your fingers

268. around in there a little, and pretty soon

269. you're pitching and catching.

270. I guess that makes sense.

271. Sorry.

272. You really know how to waste a Cialis,

273. don't you?

274. ♪ The snowbird sings the song

275. You know, this is definitely

276. a mystery song for me.

277. It's so upbeat, but the lyrics are so dark.

278. I'm-I'm sorry, are we both listening to "Snowbird,"

279. as recorded by Miss Anne Murray?

280. Yeah, the woman in the song

281. is trying to cope with getting older

282. and she feels trapped because

283. she knows she can't do anything about it.

284. No, no, no, no.

285. I mean, you're right that she's feeling trapped,

286. but the message is positive.

287. It's about being trapped in a bad relationship

288. and having the guts to get out of it.

289. No, no. See, what I hear, is that the woman

290. is starting to hate life.

291. You know the line, "Now I feel such emptiness within"?

292. Yeah, I know the song.

293. Well, Anne Murray feels old.

294. And then, to make things worse,

295. the snowbird comes around every year,

296. bringing the snow, or "death,"

297. to remind her that no matter what she does,

298. her fate's already written.

299. Brian, the snowbird has nothing to do with time or fate.

300. Well, I disagree.

301. Look, there's only one way to settle this.

302. Only the artist knows the true meaning of their art.

303. Now, Ms. O'Keefe, the flowers in your paintings,

304. what do they represent?

305. Oh, wow, that's a really good question.

306. La, la, la...

307. Mm...

308. Oh, hi, Meg.

309. Could you tell Chris breakfast is ready?

310. Oh, um, I-I-I think he got up early.

311. He, um, said something about a fat kid rally

312. at Little Caesars.

313. Huh, it's not like Chris to miss breakfast.

314. Oh, don't worry, Mom.

315. I... I'm sure he'll be home later.

316. Well, I hope so.

317. We were supposed to go to the library

318. to wipe boogers in fancy books.

319. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels.

320. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks.

321. Oh, Heathcliff.

322. Oh, come on.

323. I want so little.

324. Chris, what did you do with my video tapes?

325. I had a whole system.

326. I was trying to find a good movie to watch.

327. I've never even heard of most of these.

328. "Jeffrey at the Park."

329. "Mikey's Scoliosis Exam."

330. "Nephew Somersault Compilation."

331. Well, even if you never heard of them,

332. I assume you heard of the alphabet.

333. You want to explain to me how "Sammy Popsicle"

334. comes before "Napping, Various"?

335. Geez, I'm sorry.

336. Well, can we watch "Lost Boys"?

337. I've heard of that one.

338. Those... those are different lost boys.

339. Are you whistling "Snowbird"?

340. Yeah.

341. That's awesome.

342. Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do you get to ring it?

343. Because I was into her first.

344. Let's flip for it, or...

345. I can't believe you did that.

346. I cannot believe you just did that.

347. Will you stop it.

348. She's going to think we're weird.

349. Hi. Can I help you?

350. Hi. Miss Murray.

351. My name's Brian Griffin.

352. Uh, first of all, I just want to tell you

353. what a huge fan I am.

354. Aw, that's very sweet of you.

355. And I'm Stewie.

356. I'm the one who sent you the vibrators.

357. Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music.

358. Would you like to come in?

359. We'd love to.

360. Wow, nothing says success

361. like free on a Tuesday at 3:00 p.m.

362. I'll get there.

363. So, Miss Murray, the reason we came

364. is that we have a question about "Snowbird."

365. It's about a relationship, right?

366. No, no, it's obviously about the fear of growing old.

367. You know, I think you're both kind of right.

368. I guess I always thought it was about human limitation,

369. both mental and physical.

370. Okay, that... that just blew my face off.

371. Well, I hope that helps.

372. It does. Thank you so much, Miss Murray.

373. This has been terrific.

374. Hey, uh, before we go,

375. do you mind if I use your restroom?

376. It was a long drive up here.

377. No, go right ahead.

378. We should do something without him sometime.

379. Do you like tapas?

380. Someone invited me out for that once.

381. I thought they said topless, so I was like,

382. (high-what?

383. That's a good story.

384. Hey, you know, that was really cool

385. how you told us what "Snowbird" was about.

386. Well, you know, that's just the way

387. I always interpreted the song.

388. But I suppose Gene probably

389. could have explained it better than I.

390. Who's Gene?

391. Gene MacLellan. He wrote the song.

392. I see.

393. But you wrote all your other songs, right?

394. No, all of my songs were written by other people.

395. As a singer, I've been blessed

396. to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive

397. songwriters.

398. Oh.

399. So, you're just a big liar?

400. Sit back down.

401. All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...

402. Stewie, what the hell are you doing?

403. She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud!

404. She didn't write any of her songs.

405. Well, so, that's the case with a lot of singers.

406. It's a very common industry practice.

407. Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds, aren't you?

408. A bunch of frauds and charlatans.

409. You want to be a puppet?

410. Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on.

411. Come on, Anne, sing along.

412. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch.

413. Hey, Meg, you here for the expired hot dogs?

414. No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris.

415. I've looked everywhere and I can't find him.

416. Uh, I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out.

417. Hey, bozos, what do you think of this?

418. I did, I did it!

419. You're crazy man.

420. You're so crazy.

421. I thought I told you to clean up in here?

422. And why aren't you dressed?

423. We're supposed to have dinner

424. with Judge Maynard and Timmy.

425. Yeah, okay, as soon as I finish this level.

426. No, get your coat on.

427. It's a three-hour drive to that cabin.

428. Can't you just cook something here?

429. Excuse me?

430. I am not going to cook you dinner

431. while you sit here in your own mess

432. playing your TV games.

433. Oh-ho, and the martyr returns.

434. Chris, I... I think it's time for you to go.

435. Okay, I'll go.

436. But I want you to know,

437. I faked all my light-headedness.

438. Mm, good Kool-Aid.

439. Whoa, whoa.

440. Sound familiar?

441. Oh, my God, Chris.

442. Oh, there you are.

443. I've been looking all over for you.

444. Why? You want to humiliate me with more slave work?

445. No, I... I wanted to apologize.

446. I should've never blackmailed you.

447. I'm really sorry.

448. And I want you to come home.

449. I thought you said no one would miss me?

450. I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean, Chris.

451. But I miss you.

452. Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too.

453. You know, living in that family,

454. we both have pretty crappy lives.

455. And if we're going to survive it,

456. we can't turn on each other.

457. We're all we have.

458. I know.

459. I'll never do anything like that again.

460. Do you think you can ever forgive me?

461. Yeah, I forgive you.

462. We broke up.