1. Here you go, fellas.
Copy !req
2. Thanks, Horace.
Copy !req
3. Oh, here, let me
get this one, Peter.
Copy !req
4. Geez, what the hell kind of
stupid wallet is that, Joe?
Copy !req
5. Bonnie's
making wallets now.
Copy !req
6. Look, she's gonna ask
you guys to buy one.
Copy !req
7. I'll just give
you the money.
Copy !req
8. Just don't throw it out
Copy !req
9. within five miles
of where we live.
Copy !req
10. Hey, why do you have a
Harvard dining hall I.D.?
Copy !req
11. I pulled over some
punk Harvard kid
Copy !req
12. who gave me a bunch of
lip, so I took his I.D.
Copy !req
13. Man, I bet they got fancy food
up there at Harvard.
Copy !req
14. Like them turkeys
with paper shoes.
Copy !req
15. Or pigs with apples
in their mouths.
Copy !req
16. Or them lambs what ain't never
seen the light before.
Copy !req
17. Oh, yeah, I love
eating food that's sad.
Copy !req
18. Hey, you know,
we should drive up there
Copy !req
19. and use that card
to eat for free.
Copy !req
20. That's a
great idea!
Copy !req
21. Let's go
to Harvard!
Copy !req
22. Oh, I don't know, you guys.
Copy !req
23. We'll be as out of place there
as a black guy in Sweden.
Copy !req
24. Ooh!
Copy !req
25. Blackin sippin.
Copy !req
26. Ya, blackin
sippin.
Copy !req
27. Wow, so this
is it.
Copy !req
28. Harvard
University.
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29. The alma mater
of Fred Grandy,
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30. Amy Brenneman
and Ted Kaczynski.
Copy !req
31. Are we sure this is
the way to the dining hall?
Copy !req
32. Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet
getting tired?
Copy !req
33. God, I'd love to be able to
wheel around in a toy all day.
Copy !req
34. Ah, this is
it, you guys.
Copy !req
35. The Harvard
Dining Hall.
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36. Holy crap!
Copy !req
37. This place
is amazing!
Copy !req
38. And just think, this is
where Helen Keller
Copy !req
39. used to eat
when she went here.
Copy !req
40. Tonight, I want to go out
and just get wasted.
Copy !req
41. And not one
of these campus bars.
Copy !req
42. I want to get wrecked
by a townie.
Copy !req
43. Helen, you're
outrageous.
Copy !req
44. I can't believe you're
getting away with this.
Copy !req
45. I've been getting away
with this since I was seven.
Copy !req
46. Believe me, I know
what I'm doing.
Copy !req
47. Good morning, girls.
Copy !req
48. Helen.
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49. No freaking way.
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50. They have breakfast for dinner.
Copy !req
51. Lois never lets me do that!
Copy !req
52. Lois, do you have any idea
what I'm looking at right now?
Copy !req
53. Peter, we're not
doing this again.
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54. I am at Harvard,
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55. the smartest school in
the country, and they have...
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56. Peter, breakfast
for dinner is anarchy.
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57. It's fun, Lois!
It's whimsical!
Copy !req
58. It's ridiculous!
Copy !req
59. Pancakes are not
a nighttime food.
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60. You're ridiculous!
Copy !req
61. Boy, breakfast
for dinner is
Copy !req
62. a real hot-button issue
for you guys, huh?
Copy !req
63. She's also mad
'cause I shook Stewie
Copy !req
64. and now he's
walking weird.
Copy !req
65. Hey, was Beowulf
a Teen Wolfsequel
Copy !req
66. with Scott Baio?
No.
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67. Then I just
totally failed
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68. that Medieval Lit
midterm.
Copy !req
69. So this is
a Harvard bar, huh?
Copy !req
70. Seems pretty normal.
Copy !req
71. Hey, check it out,
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72. there's the
Winklevoss twins.
Copy !req
73. Let's get a drink.
Get a drink.
Copy !req
74. Let's get a drink.
I thought of it first.
Copy !req
75. Hey, you guys noticed
how many Asians
Copy !req
76. there are at
this school?
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77. I mean, how'd they
all get so smart?
Copy !req
78. I don't know. Guess that's just
the way God made 'em.
Copy !req
79. Gentlemen, I give you...
Copy !req
80. the Asian.
Copy !req
81. Ooh...
Copy !req
82. Compact, hairless
and fiercely intelligent.
Copy !req
83. The penises, while tiny,
are extremely efficient.
Copy !req
84. We're projecting ten billion
within five years.
Copy !req
85. Also, there'll be
different varieties
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86. that will all hate each other
for some reason.
Copy !req
87. Do they eat just,
like, regular food?
Copy !req
88. No, no, no, the opposite.
Copy !req
89. All right, this
is more like it.
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90. Way better than that
lame-ass college joint.
Copy !req
91. Yeah, finally
a terrible Boston bar
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92. with a giant low-def TV.
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93. Let's go, Celtics!
Copy !req
94. I think that's
The Dr. Oz Show.
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95. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
96. This is the last scene
of Independence Day.
Copy !req
97. Hey, look, even
the bartender's low-def.
Copy !req
98. Hey, what can I
get you fellas?
Copy !req
99. Hey, what do you say
we get some shots?
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100. Yeah! Let's
get wasted!
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101. Yeah! Let's get
wicked bombed!
Copy !req
102. Sorry, pal, we already have
an intense wheelchair guy.
Copy !req
103. Well, now,
hold on, hold on.
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104. What's your
name, friend?
Peter.
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105. Yeah, we already got
a wheelchair guy.
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106. Oh, hey, Stewie.
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107. Hey, sometimes when
daddies drive home drunk,
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108. they come from
far away places,
Copy !req
109. but it's okay because
they didn't get arrested
Copy !req
110. and they're still
kind of drunk
Copy !req
111. so they-they think
it's okay.
Copy !req
112. You should know that Mom
has emotionally let you go.
Copy !req
113. It won't be long
before she takes a lover.
Copy !req
114. Ah, my head!
Copy !req
115. She already has
two cell phones.
Copy !req
116. Aw, man, what happened
last night?
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117. I can tell you what happened.
Copy !req
118. What the...?
Who the hell are you?
Copy !req
119. Who the hell do you
think I am, sweetie?
Copy !req
120. Oh, no. You mean...?
Copy !req
121. That's right, baby.
Copy !req
122. As of last night,
we're man and wife.
Copy !req
123. By the way, I need
you to call my pimp
Copy !req
124. and tell him I quit.
Copy !req
125. Oh, my God, I...
Copy !req
126. I married a hooker?
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127. Married?
Copy !req
128. All right,
bachelor party!
Copy !req
129. Come on!
Back to Boston!
Copy !req
130. Aw, aw, damn it.
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131. I guess we're not going.
Copy !req
132. Hey, Stewie,
here's five bucks.
Copy !req
133. Get naked.
Copy !req
134. This... this can't be possible!
Copy !req
135. I can't be married
to a prostitute!
Copy !req
136. Where will you two be going
on your scummymoon?
Copy !req
137. And can I plan your
bridal golden shower?
Copy !req
138. I don't even know your name!
Copy !req
139. It's Charmese.
Perfect.
Copy !req
140. Listen, Charmese, I was
obviously very, very drunk.
Copy !req
141. This whole thing
is a huge mistake.
Copy !req
142. Now, we got to
fix this right away.
Copy !req
143. Like hell we do,
sweet cream.
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144. This is just what
I've always wanted:
Copy !req
145. to settle down,
find a husband
Copy !req
146. and live the
married life.
Copy !req
147. And now I got that.
Copy !req
148. Your new wife
is a human toilet.
Copy !req
149. Look, I don't remember
anything about last night.
Copy !req
150. How do I... how do I even know
we're really married?
Copy !req
151. I got our marriage certificate
right here.
Copy !req
152. It's legit.
Copy !req
153. And it looks like I signed
one of the witness lines
Copy !req
154. and Peter partially signed
the other.
Copy !req
155. Joe, look.
Copy !req
156. You know, after 40 years
in my line of work,
Copy !req
157. I've learned the difference
between true love
Copy !req
158. and doing the entire bowling
team of a pizza restaurant
Copy !req
159. on a box spring by a brook.
Copy !req
160. This is true love.
Copy !req
161. Hey, what's our
last name again?
Copy !req
162. You know, Quagmire,
I was thinking last night,
Copy !req
163. I might remember Charmese
from a stag party in 1991.
Copy !req
164. Ask her if she remembers
getting hit in the forehead
Copy !req
165. with a meatball sandwich.
Copy !req
166. You guys, I can't
stay married to her.
Copy !req
167. This whole thing
is a complete disaster!
Copy !req
168. In fact, you know what?
Copy !req
169. I got to go down
to the courthouse right now
Copy !req
170. and file for divorce.
Copy !req
171. This thing ends now.
Copy !req
172. Hang on,
Quagmire.
Copy !req
173. I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
Copy !req
174. Quahog has some extremely
draconian laws governing divorce
Copy !req
175. that all heavily
favor the woman.
Copy !req
176. What? What do you mean?
Copy !req
177. Well, to be honest,
Copy !req
178. if you divorce her,
Copy !req
179. she'll probably get
everything you have.
Copy !req
180. What? No,
that's impossible!
Copy !req
181. I can't lose all
my money and my house!
Copy !req
182. Then I'll have
to move into some
Copy !req
183. depressing divorced
guy apartment!
Copy !req
184. As you can see,
we have plenty
Copy !req
185. of cabinet space
for your plate.
Copy !req
186. The oven, of course,
is just decorative.
Copy !req
187. Seems okay.
Copy !req
188. Do you have any other
units available?
Copy !req
189. This is our only one.
Copy !req
190. I hope you're happy, Marsha!
Copy !req
191. We might have
something upstairs.
Copy !req
192. Sorry, Quagmire,
Copy !req
193. but the only way
around the law
Copy !req
194. is if the woman
consents to a divorce.
Copy !req
195. Consent?
Copy !req
196. But Charmese will
never agree to that.
Copy !req
197. You heard her, the crazy skank
wants to be a wife.
Copy !req
198. She's found
herself a husband
Copy !req
199. and she's not
letting go.
Copy !req
200. I bet she's what happens
Copy !req
201. if you put a Hooters girl
in the microwave on "high."
Copy !req
202. Well, the only
other choice
Copy !req
203. is to let her take
all your money.
Copy !req
204. Well, I
obviously can't do that.
Copy !req
205. I guess I'm just gonna
have to suck it up...
Copy !req
206. Let her suck it up— she's
the expert. Sorry, keep going.
Copy !req
207. and at least try to make
things work with Charmese.
Copy !req
208. And who knows?
Copy !req
209. Maybe it... maybe it
won't be that bad.
Copy !req
210. After all, I liked her enough
to marry her last night.
Copy !req
211. I must've seen
something in her.
Copy !req
212. There you go, that's
the spirit, buddy.
Copy !req
213. There's a little bit
of good in everyone.
Copy !req
214. Except that president guy
from The Hunger Games.
Copy !req
215. He was pretty bad.
Copy !req
216. This year, in addition
to the Hunger Games,
Copy !req
217. we're going to do
the Special Hunger Games.
Copy !req
218. I'm Andy!
Copy !req
219. I love
you, Andy!
Copy !req
220. Come on,
guys, fight.
Copy !req
221. So, Doc, I figured
if Charmese and I
Copy !req
222. are gonna live
as man and wife,
Copy !req
223. I ought to get
her checked out.
Copy !req
224. Of course. Charmese,
when's the last time
Copy !req
225. you had a pelvic exam?
Copy !req
226. When was
the Missouri Compromise?
Copy !req
227. Uh, I think 1821.
Copy !req
228. Then I've never
had a pelvic exam.
Copy !req
229. All right,
I'm going in.
Copy !req
230. If I tug on the rope twice,
that means pull me out.
Copy !req
231. God, who are the pigs
Copy !req
232. who just throw their
empty beer cans down here?
Copy !req
233. Hey, Charmese.
Copy !req
234. You know, I really
love your clothes...
Copy !req
235. I found a lot of them
Copy !req
236. on strung-out
teenage corpses.
Copy !req
237. That's so lovely.
Copy !req
238. But I was thinking,
maybe this afternoon
Copy !req
239. you'd like to borrow
my credit card
Copy !req
240. and buy yourself
a new wardrobe.
Copy !req
241. You know, something
a little more conservative.
Copy !req
242. Really?
Copy !req
243. That's so
sweet, Glenn.
Copy !req
244. No one's ever cared
about me like that before.
Copy !req
245. Thank you.
Copy !req
246. I would like to pawn
all these clothes
Copy !req
247. for crack money.
Copy !req
248. Gosh, thanks so much
for having us over, you guys.
Copy !req
249. Of course, Glenn.
Copy !req
250. Welcome to our
home, Charmese.
Copy !req
251. Sit anywhere you like.
Copy !req
252. That chair with the garbage bag
taped over it looks pretty good.
Copy !req
253. Meg, you look
pretty next to her.
Copy !req
254. So, Charmese,
Copy !req
255. I was thinking
of writing an article
Copy !req
256. about you
for my school paper.
Copy !req
257. Do you charge black guys
more or less?
Copy !req
258. Hmm, that's a hard question
to answer.
Copy !req
259. Most of them get a group rate.
Copy !req
260. Come on, now,
let's not talk about work.
Copy !req
261. It's a dinner party.
Copy !req
262. Are you and Glenn
thinking about children?
Copy !req
263. Unfortunately,
I can't have children.
Copy !req
264. Oh, menopause?
Copy !req
265. No, I got knifed
in the vagina one Christmas.
Copy !req
266. Ah, the holidays
are always stressful.
Copy !req
267. I have $3.74.
Copy !req
268. Do something to me.
Copy !req
269. I love you.
Copy !req
270. I want to take you
away from all this.
Copy !req
271. They're supposedly putting
an ice cream place
Copy !req
272. where the shoe store was.
Copy !req
273. Excuse me, Lois,
where's your bathroom?
Copy !req
274. I got to check on
a whistling sound.
Copy !req
275. Upstairs, to the left.
Copy !req
276. Um, I'm obsessed
with Charmese.
Copy !req
277. Hey.
Copy !req
278. Let's do it.
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279. What? You mean, like sex?
Copy !req
280. Yeah, and we
should go now.
Copy !req
281. I just stuffed everything
back into place.
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282. Uh, you know, Charmese,
Copy !req
283. I don't really think
I'm in the mood.
Copy !req
284. What? You're never
in the mood.
Copy !req
285. We've been married
two weeks,
Copy !req
286. and we haven't done it
since that first night.
Copy !req
287. I haven't gone two
weeks without sex
Copy !req
288. since I was in a
coma for six weeks.
Copy !req
289. Yeah, sorry, Charmese,
I'm-I'm just not feeling it.
Copy !req
290. Geez, what the hell's
your problem?
Copy !req
291. What are... what are you,
gay or something?
Copy !req
292. Excuse me?
You heard me.
Copy !req
293. Are you some kind of 'mo?
Copy !req
294. Oh, God, please tell me I'm
not married to some Nancy boy.
Copy !req
295. Why? Would that
be a problem?
Copy !req
296. Are you kidding?
Course it would.
Copy !req
297. My dream is to live the
married life and settle down.
Copy !req
298. I can't be doing
that with no gay.
Copy !req
299. I see.
Copy !req
300. Well, Charmese,
I have something to tell you,
Copy !req
301. and this isn't easy.
Copy !req
302. But I'm gay.
Copy !req
303. What? No.
Copy !req
304. You can't be.
Copy !req
305. I was gonna be your
perfect little wife.
Copy !req
306. I was gonna make you
breakfast maybe once a week,
Copy !req
307. and give you stuff to do
Copy !req
308. right when you walk through
the door after work.
Copy !req
309. And I would've
loved that, Charmese,
Copy !req
310. if I just weren't
so super duper double gay.
Copy !req
311. Oh, this is awful.
Copy !req
312. Aw, don't cry, Charmese.
Copy !req
313. You'll find the right guy.
Copy !req
314. There's someone
for everyone.
Copy !req
315. Even if you're
a narcissistic pedophile.
Copy !req
316. Hey, Ma, we got any pictures
of me when I was a kid?
Copy !req
317. Maybe something in a tub?
Copy !req
318. I'm really sorry it
didn't work out, Glenn.
Copy !req
319. Me, too, Charmese.
Copy !req
320. I'll send
the divorce papers
Copy !req
321. to that Rite Aid
where you brush your teeth.
Copy !req
322. Hey, buddy, what happened?
She gone?
Copy !req
323. Yep, I'm off
the hook, Peter.
Copy !req
324. I told Charmese
I was gay,
Copy !req
325. and now she's gonna consent
to a no-fault divorce.
Copy !req
326. That's brilliant,
Quagmire.
Copy !req
327. It's the exact opposite
of what Hugh Jackman does.
Copy !req
328. Pretend you're gay
to get out of marriage.
Copy !req
329. Thank God.
Copy !req
330. I really dodged
a bullet there.
Copy !req
331. I don't know what the
hell I was thinking.
Copy !req
332. Eh, everybody
makes mistakes.
Copy !req
333. Even doctors.
Copy !req
334. You forgot to say...
Copy !req
335. I forgot to say "clear."
Copy !req
336. Finally, back to my old life.
Copy !req
337. Hello, Internet porn.
Copy !req
338. Man, I haven't done this
in two weeks.
Copy !req
339. I should weigh myself
before and after.
Copy !req
340. Sorry, I forgot
my prescription mouthwash.
Copy !req
341. Aah!
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
342. What are you watching?
Copy !req
343. That... that's
straight porn.
Copy !req
344. Listen, Charmese, it's not
what you think, all right?
Copy !req
345. I've been poisoned,
Copy !req
346. and I'm trying to
make myself throw up.
Copy !req
347. Gay men don't watch
straight porn.
Copy !req
348. You lied to me,
you son of a bitch.
Copy !req
349. No, no, I'm gay, I swear!
Copy !req
350. Here, watch me,
uh, uh, go there.
Copy !req
351. Jen Aniston?
Copy !req
352. More like Jen
Can't-get-a-man-iston!
Copy !req
353. See? I went there.
Copy !req
354. Damn it, Glenn,
if you're not gay,
Copy !req
355. then the divorce is off.
Copy !req
356. No, no, I am.
I swear to God.
Copy !req
357. All right, fine.
Copy !req
358. If you're really gay
and you want that divorce,
Copy !req
359. all you got to do is one thing.
Copy !req
360. Anything, Charmese. Name it.
Copy !req
361. Prove it.
Copy !req
362. Let me watch you have sex
with a man.
Copy !req
363. Wh-What?
Copy !req
364. You heard me.
Copy !req
365. I want to see you
get it on with a guy.
Copy !req
366. All right, Charmese,
I'll do it.
Copy !req
367. If that's what it takes,
I'll have sex with another man.
Copy !req
368. Look, Daddy.
Copy !req
369. Teacher says every
time a bell rings,
Copy !req
370. some gay guy's gonna have
sex with another gay guy.
Copy !req
371. We're gonna pull you
out of that school.
Copy !req
372. We now return to
The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up.
Copy !req
373. And the Yew Nork Nankees
bave heaten
Copy !req
374. the Oltimore Borioles nive
to foo here at Yamden Cards.
Copy !req
375. The Borioles now
lace a fong toad rip
Copy !req
376. where they'll
face the Sed Rox,
Copy !req
377. the Revil Days
and the Jue Blays.
Copy !req
378. Hey, Peter, you got a minute?
Copy !req
379. Oh, yeah, sure.
Come on in, Quagmire.
Copy !req
380. Listen, um, I need
to ask you to do something,
Copy !req
381. and it's something huge.
Copy !req
382. I mean, it's, like,
the biggest thing
Copy !req
383. a guy could ever ask
his friend to do.
Copy !req
384. Hey, we're best pals, right?
Whatever you need.
Copy !req
385. All right,
and you have to understand,
Copy !req
386. I would never ask you to do this
if I had any other choice
Copy !req
387. and if what were at stake
Copy !req
388. was anything less
than my entire way of life.
Copy !req
389. Geez, Quagmire, what is it?
Copy !req
390. Charmese won't
give me a divorce
Copy !req
391. because she doesn't
believe I'm gay,
Copy !req
392. so I need you to have sex
with me while she watches.
Copy !req
393. I have some demands.
Copy !req
394. Of course, of course.
Copy !req
395. Nobody can ever know.
Copy !req
396. Absolutely. I'm right there
with you on that one.
Copy !req
397. There will be no
kissing on the mouth.
Copy !req
398. Okay.
I changed my mind.
Copy !req
399. There will be kissing
on the mouth.
Copy !req
400. Uh, all right.
Copy !req
401. Good. Now, what else?
Copy !req
402. What else? Uh, yes.
Copy !req
403. If, per chance,
it is beautiful,
Copy !req
404. I reserve the
right to cry.
Copy !req
405. Peter, I can't imagine
any scenario
Copy !req
406. where this
is gonna be beautiful.
Copy !req
407. Oh, I can.
Copy !req
408. I'm a very
passionate man.
Copy !req
409. Haven't you ever seen
my Spanish soap operas?
Copy !req
410. Mi amor!
Copy !req
411. Papa!
Copy !req
412. Niño!
Copy !req
413. Bueno.
Copy !req
414. Peter, can we just
get out of here?
Copy !req
415. I want to get
this over with.
Copy !req
416. This was part
of the deal, Quagmire.
Copy !req
417. I need this
to be a lovely evening.
Copy !req
418. Fine.
Copy !req
419. How was work today?
Copy !req
420. I don't want to talk
about work.
Copy !req
421. Hey, should we go
someplace else for dessert?
Copy !req
422. You know, someplace fun,
downtown,
Copy !req
423. where the college kids go?
Copy !req
424. What? I'm not taking you to
two different restaurants.
Copy !req
425. Huh. Hard to believe
your marriage isn't working out.
Copy !req
426. A rose for the gentleman?
Copy !req
427. What? No. Scram.
Copy !req
428. Hey, I'm not just
a poorly cleaned butt.
Copy !req
429. There's a whole man around it
you have to please.
Copy !req
430. Fine.
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431. Here.
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432. Quagmire, what's going on
with you?
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433. You don't seem
very present tonight.
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434. Why are you so tense?
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435. I'm tense because I have
to bang you in 20 minutes!
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436. Well, if it's so much
of a chore.
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437. What the is
going on with my life?
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438. Okay, Charmese, here we go.
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439. Are you sure you want
to watch this?
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440. I'm just warning you,
you're in the splash zone.
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441. Ugh, if I get anything
out, I'll be happy.
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442. Get on with it.
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443. Uh, okay.
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444. Here, let me
stroke your hair.
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445. Thank you.
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446. I want to do gay
things for you.
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447. I... I crave your groin.
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448. Yes, and I cannot wait
to intertwine our bodies
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449. and make each other's
fingers smell terrible.
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450. Enough! Kiss each other.
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451. Oh, yeah,
that was so hot.
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452. Just like we always do.
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453. Now take off
each other's clothes.
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454. Oh, God, I'm so
excited for gay sex.
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455. Me, too.
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456. Your body makes me
so horny.
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457. Shut up and do it.
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458. It's very close, Peter.
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459. The paintbrush
is about to touch the canvas.
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460. Come on, Peter.
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461. Sir Ian McKellen does this.
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462. You can do this.
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463. Here we go.
Here we go.
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464. Here we go!
Just do it!
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465. Wait.
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466. Stop.
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467. Look, Glenn,
you're obviously not gay.
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468. Yes, I am.
Well, I'm something
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469. 'cause I've been at full-sail
for the last half hour.
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470. No, Glenn, you're not.
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471. I see that now,
and the truth is,
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472. if you're willing to go
this far to get a divorce,
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473. then maybe we shouldn't
be married after all.
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474. What... what are you saying?
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475. I'm saying,
I'll give you your divorce.
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476. You're off the hook.
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477. Oh.
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478. Oh, thank you, Charmese.
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479. Thank you so much.
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480. I-I can't believe
you'd do that for me.
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481. Well, it's for me, too.
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482. You were real nice
to me, Glenn,
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483. nicer than
any other guy's been,
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484. but I wanted
to be somebody's wife,
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485. not somebody's burden.
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486. Good luck to you, sweetie.
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487. And good luck to
you, Charmese.
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488. Thanks.
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489. You're very special to me.
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490. I'm sorry my urine melted a hole
through your toilet.
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491. Aw.
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492. Thank God that's over.
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493. Yeah, no kidding.
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494. Hey, you know, there's not
too many guys in the world
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495. who would be willing to do
something like that
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496. for their pal.
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497. Ah, don't mention it.
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498. No, no,
you're an amazing friend,
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499. and I really owe you.
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500. Thanks, Peter.
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501. Ah, you're welcome, buddy.
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502. Hey, Quagmire, why is the red
light blinking on your computer?
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503. What are
we watching? Glee?
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