1. Wow, I'm so excited for Brian.Copy !req
2. Remember, kids—
if it's terrible,Copy !req
3. at the end, we all say, "You did it!"Copy !req
4. I can't believe we're
going to the theaterCopy !req
5. the same day Chris drowned
a mouse in a puddle.Copy !req
6. I mean, don't we need a
day to clear our heads?Copy !req
7. Boy, this takes me back.Copy !req
8. You know, I was, uh...Copy !req
9. kind of one of those
theater kids in high school.Copy !req
10. Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again.Copy !req
11. I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up.Copy !req
12. It's really bad this time.Copy !req
13. Wow, what a turnout.Copy !req
14. Oh, hey, there's Glenn.Copy !req
15. Hey, guys.Copy !req
16. Hey, this is my date, Consuela.Copy !req
17. No, no, no.Copy !req
18. Okay, we're here as friends,Copy !req
19. but I'm gonna change your mind one day.Copy !req
20. Oh, I'm so proud of Brian.Copy !req
21. It's hard to believe he's the same dogCopy !req
22. who barked at a
pineapple for four hours.Copy !req
23. Close your purse. I
can see your tampons.Copy !req
24. And why do you need six?Copy !req
25. What happens to you?Copy !req
26. There's the man of the hour.Copy !req
27. Hey, Brian, can you believeCopy !req
28. I found this blazer on
the side of the highway?Copy !req
29. Hey, guys. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
30. Big night, Brian. How you feeling?Copy !req
31. Well, a little nervous.Copy !req
32. I just want it to go well.Copy !req
33. Fingers crossed.Copy !req
34. Will there be an intermission?Copy !req
35. Because that will
determine whether or notCopy !req
36. I bring this empty Gatorade
bottle into the theater.Copy !req
37. This is unacceptable!Copy !req
38. Sorry, guys, I got to go.Copy !req
39. They didn't put masking tape
over a seat for Tom TuckerCopy !req
40. and he's in there pitching a fit.Copy !req
41. Do you know who I am?Copy !req
42. I'm Tom Tucker, damn it!Copy !req
43. I make more in an hour
than you make in two hours!Copy !req
44. Oh, the play's about to start.Copy !req
45. Mom, am I going to fit in the seatCopy !req
46. or is this going to be like last time?Copy !req
47. This should tide you over for a while.Copy !req
48. I'll come back as soon as I can.Copy !req
49. She's not coming back, you know.Copy !req
50. How do you know that?Copy !req
51. 'Cause she's my mom, too.Copy !req
52. Excuse me, that's my seat.Copy !req
53. We'll talk about this at home.Copy !req
54. Let's see.Copy !req
55. Who's in this thing?Copy !req
56. Sad. Nobody.Copy !req
57. Sad. Sad. Nobody.Copy !req
58. Victor Garber?Copy !req
59. That's pretty good.Copy !req
60. How did he get Victor...?Copy !req
61. Oh, of course.Copy !req
62. Tonight it's Randall Evan Battincourt.Copy !req
63. God, I hate understudies.Copy !req
64. King Louis the SixteenthCopy !req
65. has been sentenced to
death by guillotine.Copy !req
66. The part of King Louis the SixteenthCopy !req
67. will be played by Jean de Menard.Copy !req
68. Relax, you're going to do great.Copy !req
69. Nailed it.Copy !req
70. Well, as usual,Copy !req
71. this is gonna suck for one of us.Copy !req
72. Donna? It's Grant, your new husband.Copy !req
73. Hi, honey.Copy !req
74. I've got great news.Copy !req
75. What is it?Copy !req
76. First, where do we keep the good scotch?Copy !req
77. At your brother's house.Copy !req
78. I got an audition for the
hottest new play in town.Copy !req
79. This could really make my careerCopy !req
80. and we can finally start our family.Copy !req
81. What's it called?Copy !req
82. A Passing Fancy.Copy !req
83. That's the name of this play.Copy !req
84. How did he do that? How did he do that?Copy !req
85. Here, Donna.Copy !req
86. I got you your ten-year
anniversary present.Copy !req
87. Suntan lotion?Copy !req
88. But we live in the Northeast.Copy !req
89. That's right, we do.Copy !req
90. Unless we were moving to California.Copy !req
91. He must've got the part.Copy !req
92. When he going to meet Evita?Copy !req
93. Not every play is Evita.Copy !req
94. Oh, no. I feel terrible.Copy !req
95. Why? Don't you want to go?Copy !req
96. No— I got
you a parka.Copy !req
97. Those two are never on the same page.Copy !req
98. Wait for the look...Copy !req
99. And that's why it works.Copy !req
100. Donna, don't go!Copy !req
101. It's not too late. We can
still start our family.Copy !req
102. Don't you see?Copy !req
103. You already have a family.Copy !req
104. It's right there.Copy !req
105. Those won't keep you warm at night.Copy !req
106. Good-bye, Grant.Copy !req
107. It's funny, isn't it?Copy !req
108. All these years, I
was the passing fancy.Copy !req
109. Get up, you jerk.Copy !req
110. Wow, that was amazing!Copy !req
111. I mean, usually, the
shows suck in this town.Copy !req
112. Like Moishe, the low-energy
Bar Mitzvah clown.Copy !req
113. Ooh, what's this?Copy !req
114. A quarter.Copy !req
115. I found it behind your ear earlier.Copy !req
116. All right, that's enough tricks for you.Copy !req
117. I'm going to go lie down on the coats.Copy !req
118. Hey, has anybody seen the review yet?Copy !req
119. No, we've been waiting for you.Copy !req
120. Thanks.Copy !req
121. Oh, here it is.Copy !req
122. "Here's hoping A Passing Fancy
is actually a staying fancy.Copy !req
123. "The highest praise goes
to playwright Brian GriffinCopy !req
124. "for his hilarious and insightful lookCopy !req
125. "into modern relationships.Copy !req
126. "If you see only one play as an adult,Copy !req
127. I urge you to see this one."Copy !req
128. Hey, can you read that pageCopy !req
129. with all the little
paragraphs about dead people?Copy !req
130. Those are hilarious.Copy !req
131. This is amazing, Brian. How do you feel?Copy !req
132. You're a hit!Copy !req
133. It's... overwhelming.Copy !req
134. This is all I've ever wanted, you know?Copy !req
135. For people to appreciate
and respect my writing.Copy !req
136. I want to write a play!Copy !req
137. Aw, that's cute, Stewie.Copy !req
138. Maybe someday.Copy !req
139. No, I'm going to write a play.Copy !req
140. I can do lots of things.Copy !req
141. I was the human resources
director for the Muppets.Copy !req
142. Mr. Beaker, it is my unfortunate taskCopy !req
143. to inform you that your servicesCopy !req
144. will no longer be
required by this company.Copy !req
145. Well, if you must know,Copy !req
146. it's because we've
noticed large quantitiesCopy !req
147. of benzene, ephedrineCopy !req
148. and everyday Epsom
salt have gone missing.Copy !req
149. Oh, please.Copy !req
150. We both know those are the ingredientsCopy !req
151. used to make crystal meth.Copy !req
152. And I've got a pretty good ideaCopy !req
153. who you've been selling it to as well.Copy !req
154. Oh, hey, uh, Beaker,Copy !req
155. when you're done talking to your friend,Copy !req
156. I want to, uh, eh...Copy !req
157. I want to talk to you about that thing.Copy !req
158. Hey, what you doing?Copy !req
159. I was going to start
rehearsing my new play.Copy !req
160. Want to hear it?Copy !req
161. Oh, you actually wrote a little play.Copy !req
162. Aw, boy, I wish I could hang out,Copy !req
163. but it has just gotten so crazy.Copy !req
164. Really? I know, right?Copy !req
165. I mean, I'm not complaining, you know?Copy !req
166. But I just... I want my old life back.Copy !req
167. I'm just kidding, of course.Copy !req
168. I'm so grateful, you know?Copy !req
169. I mean, every performance is sold outCopy !req
170. and they just added a Wednesday matinee.Copy !req
171. It's great.Copy !req
172. I mean, there's only
one thing I'm not gettingCopy !req
173. out of this experience.Copy !req
174. What's that? Sleep.Copy !req
175. No, no, I'm so grateful, really.Copy !req
176. It's just that I'm-I'm
so busy all the time.Copy !req
177. But it's great. It's all great.Copy !req
178. Well, do you think you
might have time to read it?Copy !req
179. All right, all right.Copy !req
180. But be patient, all right?Copy !req
181. I've got interviews and
appearances all week.Copy !req
182. I mean, they're squeezingCopy !req
183. every last drop they can out of me,Copy !req
184. like a bottle of ketchup.Copy !req
185. Listen, we've been at
this for 15 minutes.Copy !req
186. I don't think anything's coming out.Copy !req
187. I'm fine. I can keep going.Copy !req
188. I'm just really tired.Copy !req
189. What if I stick my finger in your hole?Copy !req
190. Eh, that only works
when I'm already close.Copy !req
191. The American play was dying.Copy !req
192. Have-have we brought
it back to life here?Copy !req
193. I can't say that, but it has a pulse.Copy !req
194. You're such an amazing writer, Brian.Copy !req
195. How do you do it? What's your process?Copy !req
196. Oh, God, Allison, how
do I even answer that?Copy !req
197. Uh, I mean, what's a rainbow's process?Copy !req
198. Two parts rain, one part sun,
one part childlike wonder.Copy !req
199. What we do know, though,Copy !req
200. is that the end result
in both cases is joy.Copy !req
201. Wow.Copy !req
202. Wow, are you glad you left
the lighthouse now, Seamus?Copy !req
203. Oh, I think so, Seamus!Copy !req
204. Excuse me, I noticed
you were talking loud,Copy !req
205. so that means you're smart.Copy !req
206. But would you mind—
and I hate asking—Copy !req
207. but would you mind signing this?Copy !req
208. Is this guy giving
you a hard time, Brian?Copy !req
209. Nah, he's all right.Copy !req
210. All right. Cool, cool.Copy !req
211. How you doing, buddy?Copy !req
212. My God.Copy !req
213. It's miraculous.Copy !req
214. Hey, Brian, can you read my play?Copy !req
215. Sorry, there was a fart
trapped in the play.Copy !req
216. Hey, Jasper, how are you?Copy !req
217. Hey, Brian!Copy !req
218. Congratulations on your new play.Copy !req
219. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
220. What's wrong? You look awful.Copy !req
221. What happened?Copy !req
222. I read the play Stewie wrote.Copy !req
223. She writes plays now?Copy !req
224. Yes, and it was brilliant.Copy !req
225. Jasper, I've never read
anything like it in my life.Copy !req
226. It was insightful and
fresh and intelligent.Copy !req
227. It's like his play is mocking me.Copy !req
228. He wrote it in a night.Copy !req
229. Ugh, that's how I feel whenever
I see Brad Goreski on Bravo.Copy !req
230. God, everyone's on Bravo but me.Copy !req
231. Anyhoo, have you told
him how good it is?Copy !req
232. No. I just read it.Copy !req
233. He gave it to me 'cause
he wanted my feedback.Copy !req
234. Okay, listen to me.Copy !req
235. Tell Stewie it's awful, it's garbage.Copy !req
236. Do whatever you have to do, Brian,Copy !req
237. but never let him know he's got talent.Copy !req
238. Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
239. It won't be so hard.Copy !req
240. After all, I've certainly done worse.Copy !req
241. I replaced Peter's I Can't
Believe It's Not ButterCopy !req
242. with real butter.Copy !req
243. Buh... wuh... suh... muh-wuh...Copy !req
244. I... I can't... I can't believe...Copy !req
245. Muh... wuh...Copy !req
246. I don't know, Doctor.Copy !req
247. Looking back, I think it
may have been real butter.Copy !req
248. Your husband murdered three children.Copy !req
249. Oh, my God. Look at this.Copy !req
250. Brian, get in here.Copy !req
251. What?Copy !req
252. Your play has been nominatedCopy !req
253. for a local Hoggy Award
for Best Creative Anything.Copy !req
254. Oh, that's great.Copy !req
255. Um, I'm gonna...Copy !req
256. I'm going to go get some air.Copy !req
257. Look at that.Copy !req
258. Nominated for an award.Copy !req
259. What have you two done today?Copy !req
260. I found a lump under one of my balls.Copy !req
261. Okay, that's something.Copy !req
262. I ate three quarters of
an Entenmann's strudel.Copy !req
263. Youse are good kids.Copy !req
264. Hey, so did you get a
chance to read my play?Copy !req
265. Uh... I did.Copy !req
266. I did.Copy !req
267. Ooh, I'm so nervous.Copy !req
268. What'd you think?Copy !req
269. Stewie, you and I are friends, right?Copy !req
270. Yeah, I mean, I know youCopy !req
271. through our mutual friend Greg,Copy !req
272. but sure, I'd say we're friends now.Copy !req
273. Exactly. And-and as your friend,Copy !req
274. you'd want me to be
honest with you, right?Copy !req
275. Totally.Copy !req
276. It wasn't good.Copy !req
277. Oh, no, really?Copy !req
278. Oh, I worked so hard on it.Copy !req
279. Oh, I thought it was good. Aw.Copy !req
280. Oh, I know, I wanted
it to be good so much.Copy !req
281. Oh, I am so bummed out right now.Copy !req
282. I-I... Now I don't even
know if I should submit it.Copy !req
283. Wha... Submit it?Copy !req
284. Yeah, I was planning to submit itCopy !req
285. to the Roundabout Theater
Company in New York.Copy !req
286. No! I mean...Copy !req
287. Oh, I mean, that-that
would be a bad idea.Copy !req
288. Definitely not.Copy !req
289. No, no, they won't let
you down easy like I did.Copy !req
290. New York can be pretty harsh,
especially to outsiders.Copy !req
291. Hello, New York!Copy !req
292. Ugh, maybe you're right.
I'll think about it.Copy !req
293. Anyway, can I have that
back? It's my only copy.Copy !req
294. Your only copy?Copy !req
295. Yes.Copy !req
296. And thank you for being a good friendCopy !req
297. and telling me the truth, Brian.Copy !req
298. I know that was hard for you.Copy !req
299. And to show my appreciation
for reading my play,Copy !req
300. I made you this.Copy !req
301. Wow, "good dog."Copy !req
302. And it's official?Copy !req
303. That's what it says, doesn't it?Copy !req
304. I wish my dad was alive to see this.Copy !req
305. Hey.Copy !req
306. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
307. I'm the guy Stewie
pays to watch him sleep.Copy !req
308. Who are you?Copy !req
309. I'm Brian. I live here.Copy !req
310. Oh.Copy !req
311. Do you mind if I take this script?Copy !req
312. Yeah, sure, whatever.Copy !req
313. He just pays me to watch him sleepCopy !req
314. and rub this knife across
my face while I do it.Copy !req
315. Oh.Copy !req
316. Okay.Copy !req
317. Hey, how much does Stewie pay you?Copy !req
318. $4,800 a week.Copy !req
319. Yeah.Copy !req
320. Hey, Brian.Copy !req
321. Oh, hey, Stewie.Copy !req
322. Listen, have you seen my play?Copy !req
323. You know, Stewie, I have seen your play,Copy !req
324. and it is exhilarating to me.Copy !req
325. A child's play is one ofCopy !req
326. the most beautiful things in the world.Copy !req
327. Continue to play, little one.Copy !req
328. You're our future.Copy !req
329. What the are you talking about?Copy !req
330. The play I wrote. Have you seen it?Copy !req
331. Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.Copy !req
332. Hello. I'm
being cross-examined.Copy !req
333. No, I haven't... I haven't seen it.Copy !req
334. Really? 'Cause I had it
sitting right on my table...Copy !req
335. I said I haven't seen it, all right!Copy !req
336. And what does it matter?
It was terrible anyway!Copy !req
337. We've had this conversation!Copy !req
338. Do yourself a favor and move on!Copy !req
339. Well, that's interesting,
Brian, because I found thisCopy !req
340. buried in the backyard
next to your soup bone.Copy !req
341. Stewie, I...Copy !req
342. You tried to destroy it, didn't you?Copy !req
343. I knew my play was good.Copy !req
344. Just like I knew your play
was a mediocre patchworkCopy !req
345. of hackneyed ideas and tired clichés.Copy !req
346. You have no idea how hard it wasCopy !req
347. to sit in that theater with
all those braying hyenas.Copy !req
348. Couldn't you tell something was upCopy !req
349. when Chris and the fat
man could follow the plot?Copy !req
350. I mean, it took Peter a year
to figure out Stuart Little.Copy !req
351. I just figured it out.Copy !req
352. "Stuart" means "mouse."Copy !req
353. No, Peter.Copy !req
354. "Little" means "mouse"?Copy !req
355. No, Peter.Copy !req
356. I feel so old and in the way.Copy !req
357. It's still a good play!Copy !req
358. It's filled with
terrible double entendres,Copy !req
359. puns and stolen bits.Copy !req
360. There's a line in there from Seinfeld!Copy !req
361. I never saw that episode!Copy !req
362. I have a voice.Copy !req
363. Do you understand that?Copy !req
364. A writer needs a voice, and I have one.Copy !req
365. You don't.Copy !req
366. Your play panders to the lowest
common denominator, Brian.Copy !req
367. And it doesn't even do that well.Copy !req
368. Shut up!Copy !req
369. May every personCopy !req
370. that laughs at your sophomoric effortCopy !req
371. be a reminder of your eternal mediocrityCopy !req
372. and pierce your heart like a knife.Copy !req
373. Come here, you bastard!Copy !req
374. You stink!Copy !req
375. And your play stinks!Copy !req
376. This ain't about me, is it?Copy !req
377. No.Copy !req
378. And I'm sorry...Copy !req
379. but nobody can ever know that.Copy !req
380. Donna? It's Grant, your new husband!Copy !req
381. Hi, honey.Copy !req
382. I've got great news.Copy !req
383. What is it?Copy !req
384. First, where do we keep the good scotch?Copy !req
385. At your brother's house.Copy !req
386. Lois, can I
have my birthday here?Copy !req
387. Seems to be going well.Copy !req
388. What do you want?Copy !req
389. Wanted to share a bit of good news.Copy !req
390. I just found out that my playCopy !req
391. is going to be produced on Broadway.Copy !req
392. What?Copy !req
393. And I'm taking Randall
Evan Battincourt with me.Copy !req
394. Hi, Stewie. I'll be right there.Copy !req
395. I just got to finish this crap.Copy !req
396. Hey, I need you to take me to New YorkCopy !req
397. for the opening night of my play.Copy !req
398. No way.Copy !req
399. Besides, I checked, and there's no playCopy !req
400. by Stewie Griffin opening in New York.Copy !req
401. I submitted it under a pseudonym.Copy !req
402. They think it was
written by Tony Dovolani.Copy !req
403. I thought your pseudonym was
Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower.Copy !req
404. That's my dodge ball pseudonym.Copy !req
405. Look, if you won't take me,Copy !req
406. I'm sure the New York Theater
League would send a car.Copy !req
407. New York Theater League? Why?Copy !req
408. Because they're throwing a
welcome dinner in my honor.Copy !req
409. Really?Copy !req
410. Well, I guess I could clear my schedule.Copy !req
411. Oh, you won't regret it, Brian.Copy !req
412. All the most important
Broadway people will be there.Copy !req
413. Playwrights, money men,
even Stanley Kowalski.Copy !req
414. Hi. I'm Michael.Copy !req
415. Michael!Copy !req
416. Michael!Copy !req
417. Um, and this is my wife, Nancy.Copy !req
418. Nancy!Copy !req
419. Nancy!Copy !req
420. And this is our Uzbekistani
friend, Bokyavroychesku.Copy !req
421. Hi.Copy !req
422. Stewie, don't you think you're
overdoing it with that outfit.Copy !req
423. I don't wear anything I can't
take off with a flourish.Copy !req
424. Wow, this is amazing.Copy !req
425. Every major playwright is here.Copy !req
426. Yes, and it seems to be
quite a successful party.Copy !req
427. Several of them have
already committed suicide.Copy !req
428. Great party.Copy !req
429. Totally!Copy !req
430. Hey, Tony.Copy !req
431. Oh, my God, that's David Mamet.Copy !req
432. There's the man of the evening.Copy !req
433. I read your play, An American Marriage.Copy !req
434. It was incredibly raw. I
was pretty damn impressed.Copy !req
435. Oh, thank you, David.Copy !req
436. David, this is Brian. Brian, David.Copy !req
437. Oh, it's an honor.Copy !req
438. Listen, I just want to sayCopy !req
439. what an inspiration
Glengarry Glen Ross was to meCopy !req
440. when I was writing my own play.Copy !req
441. Easy.Copy !req
442. Is that Tony Dovolani?Copy !req
443. Hello. Alan Bennett.Copy !req
444. Fantastic play.Copy !req
445. And I'm Yasmina Reza.Copy !req
446. Oh, are you his night nurse?Copy !req
447. No, I'm a playwright.Copy !req
448. I wrote Art and God of Carnage.Copy !req
449. I won a Pulitzer.Copy !req
450. You want to say your
grade point average, too?Copy !req
451. Boy, it's just so weird to be in a roomCopy !req
452. where every single person
in the room is a playwright.Copy !req
453. Every single one of us.Copy !req
454. Everyone.Copy !req
455. Including me.Copy !req
456. I'm a playwright.Copy !req
457. Brian, my God, take it down a notch.Copy !req
458. You're a playwright? In New York?Copy !req
459. Well, Quahog, Rhode Island.Copy !req
460. You're kidding.Copy !req
461. We just went and saw a play
in Quahog, Rhode Island.Copy !req
462. Really?Copy !req
463. Have you ever heard of A Passing Fancy?Copy !req
464. I have!Copy !req
465. Oh, my God, what a load of rubbish.Copy !req
466. We have this thing where we goCopy !req
467. to the worst regional
theater we can findCopy !req
468. and laugh ourselves sick.Copy !req
469. And this one took the grand prize.Copy !req
470. Really?Copy !req
471. I-I had heard only good things.Copy !req
472. It was a piece
of on a!Copy !req
473. Oh, my God.Copy !req
474. I got to hear David
Mamet curse in person.Copy !req
475. Oh, there you are.Copy !req
476. That was the worst night of my life.Copy !req
477. It's not like you were
the only fat guy in there.Copy !req
478. What?Copy !req
479. Oh, this is about the play. Sorry.Copy !req
480. I was so happy until I
read your play, Stewie.Copy !req
481. I finally had some kind
of success as a writer.Copy !req
482. It wasn't big, but it was mine.Copy !req
483. I was fine being an okay writer,Copy !req
484. until I discovered I was living
in a house with a brilliant one.Copy !req
485. I know we don't talk
about doggy years a lot,Copy !req
486. but I-I just wish you could have waitedCopy !req
487. to find out how talented
you were until I was gone.Copy !req
488. By the time I'm dead,
you won't even be ten.Copy !req
489. You'll have 70 more years to be great.Copy !req
490. I just wish I could
have had five to be good.Copy !req
491. There's your voice, Brian.Copy !req
492. It's a depressing voice, but it's yours.Copy !req
493. Write from that.Copy !req
494. Listen, me and the other playwrightsCopy !req
495. are going out to have drinksCopy !req
496. with Woody Allen and his daughter-wife.Copy !req
497. You want to come?Copy !req
498. All right.Copy !req
499. We can just sit here for a while.Copy !req
500. They talked a lot more crap
about you after you left.Copy !req
501. Oh, God, that was just
terrible. Terrible.Copy !req
502. I don't understand.Copy !req
503. Stewie, what happened
to the play you wrote?Copy !req
504. That was terrible.Copy !req
505. Well, I gave it a final polish..Copy !req
506. Changed a few things.Copy !req
507. Guess I kind of mucked
the whole thing up.Copy !req
508. But how? You...Copy !req
509. WaitCopy !req
510. Did you do that... for me?Copy !req
511. What are you talking
about? I'm a young writer.Copy !req
512. I just wasn't as ready
as I thought I was.Copy !req
513. Maybe in a couple of years, who knows?Copy !req
514. Stewie, you shouldn't have done that.Copy !req
515. But... thanks.Copy !req
516. No problem, Brian.Copy !req
517. Hey, what do you say we head back home?Copy !req
518. That sounds good.Copy !req
519. You know, I'm going to move to
New York City when I'm older,Copy !req
520. 'cause it's twinkly and bigCopy !req
521. and this is where dreams come true,Copy !req
522. and that giant bird's
coming for us, isn't he?Copy !req