1. Good morning!Copy !req
2. Is what
normal families say.Copy !req
3. Lois, I'll take
my breakfast to go.Copy !req
4. I'm going fishing
with the fellas.Copy !req
5. Peter, I thought we
were going to haveCopy !req
6. some family time
this weekend.Copy !req
7. You're going
fishing again?Copy !req
8. Yes, Lois. I love fishing.Copy !req
9. Remember, fishing was
my not-at-all-memorable jobCopy !req
10. for two years?Copy !req
11. No.
You don't remember
my fishing boat?Copy !req
12. You don't remember
Santos and Pasqual?Copy !req
13. Not even a little.Copy !req
14. They were like
male Consuelas.Copy !req
15. It was a mistake making 'em
Portuguese, though.Copy !req
16. People don't even know
what a Portuguese is.Copy !req
17. That's what I thought
a Portuguese was.Copy !req
18. Me and my brain, huh?Copy !req
19. And we're just
getting started!Copy !req
20. Boy, it's not like Quagmire
to be this late.Copy !req
21. Yeah.Copy !req
22. Jeez, I've never triedCopy !req
23. to make conversation
with just Joe before.Copy !req
24. This is brutal.Copy !req
25. Come on, Joe,
you're losing him.Copy !req
26. Think of something.Copy !req
27. This was your shot.Copy !req
28. Two thirds
of the planet is water.Copy !req
29. Yeah.Copy !req
30. Two thirds
of the planet is water?Copy !req
31. This guy's okay.Copy !req
32. All right, well, um,Copy !req
33. we should probably go find out
what's keeping Quagmire.Copy !req
34. Yeah, I guess
you're right.Copy !req
35. And you know, Joe,
uh, I was thinking.Copy !req
36. Maybe one night we get
dinner, just the two of us.Copy !req
37. I would like that.Copy !req
38. Hey, Quagmire?Copy !req
39. You in there?Copy !req
40. Holy crap!Copy !req
41. Oh, my God!Copy !req
42. He must have autoerotically
asphyxiated himself!Copy !req
43. Yeah, while he was
watching clown porn.Copy !req
44. Oh, yeah, baby.Copy !req
45. Oh yeah, baby!
You make me so horny!Copy !req
46. Come on, help me get him down!Copy !req
47. Peter, he's still alive!Copy !req
48. We got to get him
to a hospital!Copy !req
49. All right, but let's just
watch the end of this
clown porn first.Copy !req
50. Oh, Peter, we came
as soon as we heard.Copy !req
51. How is he?Copy !req
52. He's in a coma, Lois.Copy !req
53. My God, what the hell happened?Copy !req
54. He hung himself during
autoerotic asphyxiation.Copy !req
55. Just goes to show anything
can be dangerous.Copy !req
56. Is his family here?Copy !req
57. His sister Brenda is coming
with her boyfriend, Jeff.Copy !req
58. Oh, my God, not that guy.Copy !req
59. Is she still with him?Copy !req
60. Isn't he the one
that beats her?Copy !req
61. Yeah, but she's
gotten a lot better.Copy !req
62. All right, on the way back,Copy !req
63. I get to pick the radio station,
because that was awful.Copy !req
64. I know, yeah, it
was, I'm sorry.Copy !req
65. Oh, God, I just...
I hope Glenn's okay.Copy !req
66. I'm so worried about him.Copy !req
67. Shut up and limp!Copy !req
68. We're in a handicapped spot,
you slut!Copy !req
69. Well, Miss Quagmire,Copy !req
70. your brother Glenn
is lucky to be alive.Copy !req
71. You know, we're all lucky to be
alive on such a beautiful day.Copy !req
72. In fact, nurse—
all surgeries are outside today.Copy !req
73. You know, when we were kids,Copy !req
74. our mother used to sing
a song when we were sad.Copy !req
75. Maybe that'll help now.Copy !req
76. Come on, Brenda,
a stupid nursery rhymeCopy !req
77. isn't going to wake him up,
especially the way you sing.Copy !req
78. Right, man?Copy !req
79. Gyaaaa.Copy !req
80. This song is from childhood?Copy !req
81. Where am I?Copy !req
82. What happened?Copy !req
83. Oh, Glenn!Copy !req
84. Oh, thank God
you're all right!Copy !req
85. Hey, you touching
my girl?Copy !req
86. Relax, Jeff.
That's her brother.Copy !req
87. Yeah, that's how it starts.Copy !req
88. Come on, Brenda, we
got to get out of here.Copy !req
89. I need cigarettes
and jeans.Copy !req
90. Oh, thanks, you guys, for all
your help through this.Copy !req
91. Oh, Glenn, we're just
so glad you're all right.Copy !req
92. And Jeff and I are happy
to stay here with youCopy !req
93. for as long as you need.Copy !req
94. Fine, then you call
my cousin TerryCopy !req
95. and tell him we're not going
to be at his karate recital!Copy !req
96. Well, Jeff,
he is my brother.Copy !req
97. Why do you always got to remind
me I didn't finish high school?Copy !req
98. Well, listen, how about I make
us all some dinner, huh?Copy !req
99. Come here!Copy !req
100. You fat, ugly bitch!Copy !req
101. If today
wasn't your birthday...Copy !req
102. Jeff! Please,
you're being...Copy !req
103. What?
What am I being?Copy !req
104. Crazy?
Unemployed?Copy !req
105. Why don't you call the cops
like you did on Christmas?Copy !req
106. I-I-I didn't call them!
They were called!Copy !req
107. Oh, now you're calling me a liar
in front of this cat?Copy !req
108. I got another cat.Copy !req
109. Aw, that yellow lab
looks like it's dying.Copy !req
110. Peter,
that's Gwyneth Paltrow.Copy !req
111. She's fine.Copy !req
112. Look, turn off the light.Copy !req
113. I just want to get to sleep and
put this ugly night behind us.Copy !req
114. All that unpleasantness
with Brenda and JeffCopy !req
115. was more than I can handle.Copy !req
116. It's no big deal, Lois.Copy !req
117. We probably just caught
'em on an off night.Copy !req
118. Where do you get
off calling me a deadbeat
in front of your brother?Copy !req
119. No, Jeff, a-a-all I said was
that you were in between jobs!Copy !req
120. Well, it wouldn't matterCopy !req
121. if you'd just pick up that
night shift at the prison!Copy !req
122. But then I'll be working
a hundred hours a week.Copy !req
123. So what?Copy !req
124. I need money for motor oil
and wallet chains!Copy !req
125. Okay, I'll ask about it Monday.Copy !req
126. Can I put my nightgown
back on?Copy !req
127. No, I'm not done drawing!Copy !req
128. Hey, Peter.Copy !req
129. Geez, Quagmire,
you look terrible.Copy !req
130. Oh, I didn't get any sleep.Copy !req
131. Hi, Glenn.
How are you?Copy !req
132. Not great, Lois.Copy !req
133. I'm stuck in the middle of some
bad stuff with my sister.Copy !req
134. I know, it sounded like there
was quite a ruckus going onCopy !req
135. over there last night.Copy !req
136. That Jeff seems like
kind of a monster.Copy !req
137. Yeah, that guy's scary
as an Iraq Lobster.Copy !req
138. I've tried talking to Brenda
about leaving him,Copy !req
139. but I haven't
gotten anywhere.Copy !req
140. I was actually hoping
you could talk to her, Lois.Copy !req
141. She might open up more to you,
you know, 'cause you're a woman.Copy !req
142. Me?
Yeah, would you mind
at least trying?Copy !req
143. Well, I guess she does
need someone to talk to.Copy !req
144. Well, let's hope
she's good at talkingCopy !req
145. 'cause we know she doesn't
listen so good.Copy !req
146. That... we know.Copy !req
147. You know, Brenda, I'm glad
we could get together.Copy !req
148. Me, too, Lois.Copy !req
149. It's nice to have a
girlfriend to chat with.Copy !req
150. Don't you have any
back home?Copy !req
151. Oh, no. Jeff would
never allow that.Copy !req
152. You know, that's kind of whatCopy !req
153. I want to talk to you about,
Brenda.Copy !req
154. Do you mind
taking off your sunglasses?Copy !req
155. Oh, my God.Copy !req
156. No, i-it's really
not that bad.Copy !req
157. It only hurts when I see.Copy !req
158. You know, you don't have
to stay with a manCopy !req
159. who treats you that way.Copy !req
160. Oh, Jeff's sweet.Copy !req
161. You don't see how soft
and gentle he hits me
when we're alone.Copy !req
162. Do you hear yourself?Copy !req
163. He shouldn't be
hitting you at all.Copy !req
164. I don't think you understand
how serious a matter...Copy !req
165. Close your menu.
What?Copy !req
166. Close your menu, so they
know we're ready to order.Copy !req
167. I'll give you
another moment.Copy !req
168. Damn it.Copy !req
169. I'm sorry.
Oh, shoot.Copy !req
170. See, this is why Jeff
corrects me all the time.Copy !req
171. Corrects you?Copy !req
172. Brenda, he's not correcting you,
he's beating you!Copy !req
173. Well, I-I-I can see
why you'd think thatCopy !req
174. 'cause of the punches and all,Copy !req
175. but it's just that Jeff's been
so angry about immigrants.Copy !req
176. What?Copy !req
177. It'll be better when
he gets back to work.Copy !req
178. Our relationship is just
complicated, that's all.Copy !req
179. No, Brenda,
it's not complicated.Copy !req
180. Trying to get
a straight answerCopy !req
181. out of a 23-year-old
girl is complicated.Copy !req
182. So, do you want
to go out some time?Copy !req
183. Out like, go out or hang out
or just do something?Copy !req
184. Like a date.Copy !req
185. Like a date date?
Or like a date?Copy !req
186. Both, I... I guess.Copy !req
187. Yeah, sure, maybe.
I don't know. Yes, no.Copy !req
188. Here's the first three
digits of my phone number.Copy !req
189. E-mail me.Copy !req
190. Joe, the guy's a menace.Copy !req
191. They've been with me
three days now,Copy !req
192. and all he does is beat her
day and night.Copy !req
193. And on top of that,
they say they don't needCopy !req
194. to be entertained,
but then they're always like,Copy !req
195. "Hey, so what're we doing?
What's next?"Copy !req
196. Hey, Joe, can't you...
can't you just arrest the guy?Copy !req
197. I can't arrest JeffCopy !req
198. unless Brenda files a formal
complaint with the police.Copy !req
199. She won't go to the police.Copy !req
200. She's afraid
of what Jeff will do.Copy !req
201. And to be honest,
I don't blame her.Copy !req
202. I mean, w-w-what happens
if one of these nights,Copy !req
203. he hits her so hard
he kills her?Copy !req
204. Sorry, Quagmire.Copy !req
205. Police policy, we can't step
in until it's too late.Copy !req
206. But if I were you, I'd
set up an intervention.Copy !req
207. What's that?Copy !req
208. It's like a surprise
birthday party,Copy !req
209. but instead of cake and
presents, there's angry lettersCopy !req
210. and someone who
inappropriately triesCopy !req
211. to make it about themselves.Copy !req
212. Aw, that sounds great!Copy !req
213. I bet I would really shine
at one of those.Copy !req
214. All right, well, first
we want to thank you allCopy !req
215. for being here for Brenda.Copy !req
216. Now, I know it's going
to be a long day,Copy !req
217. but we're all here because we
care about her very much.Copy !req
218. What the... what's going on?Copy !req
219. What's all this?Copy !req
220. Brenda, this is
an intervention.Copy !req
221. A lot of us don't like how
Jeff's been treating you.Copy !req
222. So we're going
to say a few things,Copy !req
223. and then you'll say a few
things, and then we'll be done.Copy !req
224. Sound good?Copy !req
225. Um...
I guess.Copy !req
226. All right, so we're going to go
around the room and tell youCopy !req
227. exactly how your situation
has affected each of us.Copy !req
228. Meg?Copy !req
229. I feel like if he likes you,
maybe you can change him.Copy !req
230. Okay, maybe she wasn't
the one to start with.Copy !req
231. Caleb?Copy !req
232. Caleb, you want
to go ahead?Copy !req
233. M... M... me?Copy !req
234. Yeah, go ahead.Copy !req
235. Uh... It's Chris.Copy !req
236. Y-You don't know my name?Copy !req
237. All right, this isn't off
to a flying start.Copy !req
238. Peter, why don't you go ahead?Copy !req
239. So, you like
getting beaten, huh?Copy !req
240. Well, why don't you smoke a
whole carton of cigarettes!Copy !req
241. Look, I know what you guys
are trying to do,Copy !req
242. but Jeff and I are fine.Copy !req
243. No, Brenda,
you're not fine, okay?Copy !req
244. Please, I'd like to say
something, if I may.Copy !req
245. "Brenda, the fact that
you are being abusedCopy !req
246. "has affected my life
in the following ways:Copy !req
247. "The sister that I knew
and loved growing upCopy !req
248. "no longer exists.Copy !req
249. "The person I see before me now
is just a punching bag.Copy !req
250. "And I call you 'person'
and not 'woman'Copy !req
251. "because a woman is a strong,
beautiful, vibrant creature.Copy !req
252. "A woman embraces life.Copy !req
253. "A woman makes choices
to make her life better.Copy !req
254. "Sadly, the fact that you are
with Jeff, proves to meCopy !req
255. that you have made a choice
to make your life worse."Copy !req
256. I-I want the girl
I grew up with back.Copy !req
257. I want... I want my sister back.Copy !req
258. Brenda, I love you.Copy !req
259. Please make the right decision.Copy !req
260. Which is a perfect time
for me to tell my jokes.Copy !req
261. Peter!Copy !req
262. And I will save
them for the end.Copy !req
263. Glenn, I am so luckyCopy !req
264. to have such a wonderful,
loving brother like you.Copy !req
265. So, are you gonna
leave him?Copy !req
266. Oh, there you are!Copy !req
267. Hey, give me some money!
I saw a cool bandana.Copy !req
268. What the hell's going on here?Copy !req
269. Listen here, you bully!
For your information,Copy !req
270. Brenda just agreed
to leave you!Copy !req
271. Like hell she did.Copy !req
272. Brenda, you tell 'em?Copy !req
273. No, not yet.Copy !req
274. Everyone...
I have wonderful news.Copy !req
275. Jeff and I are getting married.Copy !req
276. I'd show you the ring,Copy !req
277. but it's under the splint.Copy !req
278. My finger fell down the stairs.Copy !req
279. You're getting married?Copy !req
280. Yeah, but only 'cause
she's pregnant.Copy !req
281. Pregnant?Copy !req
282. Oh, congratulations!Copy !req
283. Have you thought
of any names yet?Copy !req
284. Maybe... maybe
"Slappy"?Copy !req
285. Or-or "Bruisey"?Copy !req
286. Or "Keep-It-Down-
In-There-sy"?Copy !req
287. Guys, what the hell
am I gonna do?Copy !req
288. She can't marry
that bastard.Copy !req
289. He's just gonna
keep beatin' her,Copy !req
290. and then he's gonna beat
the kid, too!Copy !req
291. God, I wish she'd never met
Jeffrey Fecalman.Copy !req
292. You know, I was
thinking... Wait, what?Copy !req
293. What?
That's his name?Copy !req
294. Yeah.
Huh-larious.Copy !req
295. But you know,
I was thinking this afternoon,Copy !req
296. what the hell happened to the
days when a guy does somethingCopy !req
297. like that to a girl, and a bunch
of us guys get togetherCopy !req
298. and just go kick
his ass?Copy !req
299. Boy, that'd be
satisfying.Copy !req
300. Well... why not?Copy !req
301. What do you mean?Copy !req
302. The three of us.Copy !req
303. We go over there
and we do what's right;Copy !req
304. we kill the bastard.Copy !req
305. Whoa, whoa, Quagmire.Copy !req
306. You know, I could arrest
you just for saying that.Copy !req
307. You know what else
you can get arrested for?Copy !req
308. Soliciting a rooster.Copy !req
309. I don't know what this
cock-a-doodle-doo thing is,Copy !req
310. but it sounds gay
and it sounds scatological.Copy !req
311. I'm in.Copy !req
312. You're about to
have a neat day.Copy !req
313. Quagmire, you're talking
about murdering a guy.Copy !req
314. It doesn't matterCopy !req
315. what he's done,
it's still murder.Copy !req
316. No, Joe, it does matter
what he's done!Copy !req
317. These kinds of guys
don't change.Copy !req
318. Y-you think they ever suddenly
wake up and realizeCopy !req
319. the error of their ways
and clean up their act? No!Copy !req
320. They just keep ruining
everyone's lives,Copy !req
321. and the world is better off
without 'em.Copy !req
322. It's against the
law, Quagmire,Copy !req
323. and that's the
end of it.Copy !req
324. What the hell?
Did you change the channelCopy !req
325. while I was going
to get a beer?Copy !req
326. Oh, yeah, I-I'm sorry,
honey, I just wantedCopy !req
327. to see who was
on Letterman.Copy !req
328. We're watching Leno,
you bitch!Copy !req
329. I'm so sorry!Copy !req
330. His soft, gentle humor
connects effortlesslyCopy !req
331. with my mainstream
sensibilities!Copy !req
332. Let's waste this dick.Copy !req
333. Boy, everything's different now
than it used to be, isn't it?Copy !req
334. You know, this morning I had
a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal.Copy !req
335. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid,
they were boulders!Copy !req
336. Cereals do change.Copy !req
337. Oh, no, no. Here's something,
here's something.Copy !req
338. Did you hear about this?Copy !req
339. Here's a bunch
of words in a row:Copy !req
340. because the economy's so bad,Copy !req
341. they've decided they're gonna
shut down all the prisons.Copy !req
342. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
343. And-and they're gonna send
all the inmates to Congress.Copy !req
344. I don't get that one!Copy !req
345. Hi, there, Jeff.Copy !req
346. Hey, what's going
on, dudes?Copy !req
347. Brenda just fell.Copy !req
348. Get your lazy ass up and get
my neighbors some beers!Copy !req
349. Actually, we don't
have time, Jeff.Copy !req
350. We were just about
to go onCopy !req
351. our annual midnight
hunting trip.Copy !req
352. We thought you might
want to join us.Copy !req
353. Yeah, what the hell.Copy !req
354. Go shoot some animals,
that sounds like fun.Copy !req
355. Hey, it beats sitting at home
watching Meg pop her zits.Copy !req
356. Okay, okay,
who would you rather do?Copy !req
357. Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes
of kissing firstCopy !req
358. or Eddie Izzard in drag,
but he has a working vagina?Copy !req
359. Would Eddie Izzard tell
others about it?Copy !req
360. Eddie Izzard is very discreet.Copy !req
361. Then that's your answer.Copy !req
362. You know, Quagmire,
I gotta say,Copy !req
363. I was pretty surprised
you wanted me to come along.Copy !req
364. I thought
you hated my guts.Copy !req
365. Oh, come on, Jeff,Copy !req
366. I don't hate your
guts.Copy !req
367. Well, then what the hell
are we doing out here?Copy !req
368. I thought we were gonna kill...
Ah!Copy !req
369. So, Jeff, do you
like loud sentences?Copy !req
370. I guess.Copy !req
371. I gotta take a whiz.Copy !req
372. All right, look,
when he comes back,Copy !req
373. I'm just gonna
do it, okay?Copy !req
374. I'm just gonna point my gun
straight at his headCopy !req
375. before he even knows
what's going on.Copy !req
376. Kinda like this?Copy !req
377. You know, Quagmire,
you are pathetic.Copy !req
378. You have to bring
your friends out here with youCopy !req
379. to do your dirty work?Copy !req
380. What... what do you mean, Jeff?Copy !req
381. You're gonna kill me,
is that it?Copy !req
382. Uh-uh!Copy !req
383. Not unless you wantCopy !req
384. your friend's brains
all over the place!Copy !req
385. Listen, Jeff,
just put the gun downCopy !req
386. and we'll forget this whole
thing, okay?Copy !req
387. Oh. Well, that's never
happened before.Copy !req
388. Kinda don't know
what to do next.Copy !req
389. So now you'll forget
the whole thing?Copy !req
390. Yeah, I, uh, guess
that is what I said.Copy !req
391. No, no, we can't forget
the whole thing!Copy !req
392. Yeah, you know,
he's right.Copy !req
393. We can't forget it.Copy !req
394. Fine. Now here's
the plan:Copy !req
395. I'm taking Quagmire
for a little ride,Copy !req
396. and you guys are gonna stay out
here and freeze to death!Copy !req
397. Now, get those hands
where I can see 'em!Copy !req
398. All the way up!Copy !req
399. Oh, my shirt's a
little too short.Copy !req
400. That's okay.
You can keep 'emCopy !req
401. the way you had 'em
so it covers your stomach.Copy !req
402. Thank you. You know, if
this Jeff was around more,Copy !req
403. we wouldn't have
tried to kill you.Copy !req
404. See you later,
schmucks!Copy !req
405. All right,
this is far enough.Copy !req
406. Well, Quagmire, sorry
it had to end this way;Copy !req
407. a tragic hunting accident.Copy !req
408. I guess that little
baby's gonna grow up
without an uncle.Copy !req
409. Actually,
I have a brother.Copy !req
410. Gary Quagmire.
Oh.Copy !req
411. I think... I think
you got a brother,
too, don't you?Copy !req
412. All right, forget
the uncle thing!Copy !req
413. Get ready to die,
Quagmire.Copy !req
414. You know, if you had any balls,Copy !req
415. you'd put that gun down and we
could settle this like men.Copy !req
416. That's awful big talk for a
scrawny bastard like you.Copy !req
417. Hey, I'm serious, man.Copy !req
418. Unless you're scared
I can take you.Copy !req
419. Suit yourself, man.Copy !req
420. Just means
you're gonna die slower.Copy !req
421. What the hell?
I killed you!Copy !req
422. I choke myself every day,
you bastard!Copy !req
423. Oh, oh, Glenn,
there you are.Copy !req
424. Jeff didn't come home last night
and he hasn't called.Copy !req
425. Uh, well, actually,
about that, Brenda,Copy !req
426. he must've left
early this morning.Copy !req
427. Yeah, we found this
note he left you.Copy !req
428. "Dear Brenda,
I have decided to leave you.Copy !req
429. "I realized
that you are too good for me,Copy !req
430. "and you and our unborn child
would be better offCopy !req
431. "without me in the picture.
Love, Jeff.Copy !req
432. "P.S. If the cops ask, tell themCopy !req
433. "that Joe, Peter and Quagmire
were with you last night.Copy !req
434. "If you tell anyone otherwise,Copy !req
435. "I will come back and not only
hit you, but I will murder you.Copy !req
436. "And no one will care
because you're garbage.Copy !req
437. And your baby is going
to be a child of garbage."Copy !req
438. It's a little rough, Peter.Copy !req
439. I didn't write it. Joe did.Copy !req
440. I wanted it
to sound real.Copy !req
441. It's gotta sound
like he wrote it.Copy !req
442. Plus, she kinda is
garbage, Quagmire.Copy !req
443. "Well, I best be
rolling on now."Copy !req
444. Oh, come on!
Who says that?Copy !req
445. It's an expression.Copy !req
446. Yeah, if you're in
a wheelchair.Copy !req
447. Listen, you had
your chance.Copy !req
448. I e-mailed it
to both of you.Copy !req
449. You wrote back:
"Looks fine."Copy !req
450. And you just added that
part about Grape Ape.Copy !req
451. "P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape.Copy !req
452. The end."Copy !req
453. Wow.Copy !req
454. I guess he's really gone.Copy !req
455. I kinda want to kill
somebody else now.Copy !req
456. Ooh, Mort!Copy !req