1. Come on, Stewie. Hurry up.
I want to get good seats.
Copy !req
2. Ugh, I hate going to hear
authors read from their work.
Copy !req
3. That Dr. Seuss reading
was dreadful.
Copy !req
4. And when the drugs
stopped numbing the pain,
Copy !req
5. the sex became
even more violent.
Copy !req
6. It doesn't rhyme.
Copy !req
7. The new stuff
doesn't rhyme!
Copy !req
8. Hey, there.
Copy !req
9. You a big fan
of Jonathan Franzen?
Copy !req
10. Oh, my God,
I worship him.
Copy !req
11. Yeah, yeah, of all
my writing students,
Copy !req
12. he's probably
done the best.
Copy !req
13. I'm sorry,
everybody.
Copy !req
14. Mr. Franzen has informed us
he's not coming.
Copy !req
15. Like most real authors, he's
too good for this dumb town.
Copy !req
16. I hate it here.
Copy !req
17. Well, this crowd
was promised an author.
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18. No!
Copy !req
19. Oh, well, you know, I guess
I should be getting back
Copy !req
20. to my dorm anyway.
Copy !req
21. I've got a short story due
Copy !req
22. for my creative writing
class tomorrow.
Copy !req
23. Oh, creative
writing, huh?
Copy !req
24. Well, if you'd like me to look
it over before you turn it in,
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25. I'd be happy to.
Really?
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26. That'd be great.
Copy !req
27. Cool, cool,
I'll follow you in my car.
Copy !req
28. Come on. We're going.
Copy !req
29. All right,
hold on.
Copy !req
30. Is this what your parents are
paying all that tuition for—
Copy !req
31. so you can
dogs?
Copy !req
32. I'll print up for you
what I have so far.
Copy !req
33. Okay, I'm gonna go
in there with her.
Copy !req
34. You just sit out here
and be quiet.
Copy !req
35. Here, watch one of her
movies or something.
Copy !req
36. Ugh, Charlie St. Cloud?
Copy !req
37. A-And why are there
so many fingerprints on this?
Copy !req
38. Who's handling their Charlie
St. Cloud DVD all the time?
Copy !req
39. Lois, can I have
a Pop-Tart in bed, please?
Copy !req
40. Lois?
Copy !req
41. Hey, Chris?
Copy !req
42. Yeah?
Copy !req
43. Do you think Lois would be okay
if I ate a Pop-Tart in bed?
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44. Probably.
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45. Probably, right?
Copy !req
46. Lois, you in the bathroom?
Copy !req
47. Well, Mrs. Griffin,
you have three crushed ribs,
Copy !req
48. but I was able to stop
the internal bleeding.
Copy !req
49. Doctor, this has happened
seven times in the last month.
Copy !req
50. Peter rolls over in his sleep
and almost kills me.
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51. I see.
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52. Well, that sucks.
Copy !req
53. Look, I don't do it
on purpose.
Copy !req
54. Well, it looks like you got
a handle on it then.
Copy !req
55. No, we don't.
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56. He practically
smothers me every night.
Copy !req
57. Well, are you hogging
the blankets?
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58. No.
Copy !req
59. "Probably hogging
blankets."
Copy !req
60. And if he's not smothering me,
he's keeping me up all night
Copy !req
61. writing with that
giant plume of his.
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62. "Dearest Augustine,
I do hope this latest damp
Copy !req
63. has not aggravated
your gray lung."
Copy !req
64. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.
Copy !req
65. "Matters stateside
have taken a tragic turn
Copy !req
66. "as this year's gourd crop
has fallen prey
Copy !req
67. "to a rather
unexpected infestation
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68. of saltmarsh cutworms."
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69. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.
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70. Peter, it's 4:00
in the morning.
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71. Come to bed!
Copy !req
72. "Marital concerns continue
to bedevil me."
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73. Look, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
74. I wasn't planning on
spending all night there.
Copy !req
75. Look, how about if I take
you to the park, huh?
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76. Come on. You like
the park, right?
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77. We're about to
pass the turnoff.
Copy !req
78. Here it comes.
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79. You may take me
to the park.
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80. Um, excuse me. I didn't
bring any of my toys.
Copy !req
81. Can I play with
some of yours?
Copy !req
82. No! Mine!
Copy !req
83. Are you all right?
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84. I'm fine.
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85. I-I didn't push him back
because he has leukemia.
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86. My name's Penelope.
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87. What's yours?
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88. Stewie.
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89. I've never seen you
around here before.
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90. I'm new to town and I
don't have many friends.
Copy !req
91. All right.
Copy !req
92. A lot of pressure on me
instantly, but okay.
Copy !req
93. Would you like to play with
some of my toys, Stewie?
Copy !req
94. Well, what have you got?
Copy !req
95. I have a set of jacks,
a paddleball,
Copy !req
96. and this taffy
with superglue.
Copy !req
97. Isn't that the little
boy who pushed you?
Copy !req
98. Hmm, yes.
Copy !req
99. You there, would you like
a piece of candy?
Copy !req
100. Don't push.
Copy !req
101. Uh, Lois, why do we have
Lucy and Ricky beds?
Copy !req
102. Because I'm sick of you crushing
me in the middle of the night.
Copy !req
103. Dr. Hartman called
about my X rays.
Copy !req
104. He said my spine
is now disfigured.
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105. Lois, if God wanted me
to not sleep with my wife,
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106. he would have made me
John Travolta.
Copy !req
107. Peter, I'm really
tired, okay?
Copy !req
108. Just give the bed a try.
Copy !req
109. There you go.
Copy !req
110. Good night, Peter.
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111. I can't sleep like this, Lois.
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112. I need someone to cuddle with.
Copy !req
113. Believe it or not,
men like to cuddle,
Copy !req
114. even cold, unfeeling men
like Charles Bronson.
Copy !req
115. Hey, Charles Bronson's wife.
Copy !req
116. Scooch over.
I want to cuddle.
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117. Mmm, that's nice.
Copy !req
118. I don't know
what the big deal is.
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119. I stopped for one drink
after work.
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120. Yes, but it's
every night.
Copy !req
121. There, now you can be
upset about that.
Copy !req
122. This is fun.
Copy !req
123. I like playing
with you, Penelope.
Copy !req
124. What shall
we play next?
Copy !req
125. Well, let's see
what you have.
Copy !req
126. You have a pop-up version
of the Unabomber's Manifesto?
Copy !req
127. Yes, at the end the brother
pops up and turns you in.
Copy !req
128. What's this
on your Etch A Sketch?
Copy !req
129. Oh, those are some advanced
mathematical formulas
Copy !req
130. I've just been
tinkering with.
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131. You're kidding?
I do that, too.
Copy !req
132. But what are
these formulas for?
Copy !req
133. For these.
Copy !req
134. Oh, my God,
Copy !req
135. you've got a weapons room, too?
Copy !req
136. And look at the size of it.
Copy !req
137. It's amazing.
Copy !req
138. Yes, although sometimes
I think it's too big.
Copy !req
139. It takes the cleaning woman
forever to clean it.
Copy !req
140. Was already broken.
Copy !req
141. My word, Penelope,
Copy !req
142. you and I seem to have
quite a lot in common.
Copy !req
143. Do you actually
use these?
Copy !req
144. Only when fear, spite, jealousy,
and revenge demand.
Copy !req
145. I bought that to kill the women
from Sex and the City,
Copy !req
146. but time seems
to be doing it for me.
Copy !req
147. You're wicked.
Copy !req
148. Do your parents
have any idea?
Copy !req
149. My mother's
not a concern.
Copy !req
150. I don't really have
to worry
Copy !req
151. about her anymore.
Copy !req
152. Oh, do you have one of those
white wine zombie moms?
Copy !req
153. No, she died.
Copy !req
154. She was taking a tub
Copy !req
155. and somebody came in
and cut her head off.
Copy !req
156. Wait a moment.
Copy !req
157. Did... did you kill her?
Copy !req
158. Well, I held the knife...
and her hair.
Copy !req
159. Oh, my God, I've been dreaming
about doing that for years,
Copy !req
160. and you've actually gone ahead
and done it.
Copy !req
161. Penelope...
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162. I've never said this
to anyone before,
Copy !req
163. but I feel like I may have
finally found, in you,
Copy !req
164. my one true soul mate.
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165. Do you feel this way, too?
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166. I do, Stewart.
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167. It's as if our meeting were
more than a mere coincidence.
Copy !req
168. It's as if we were
meant to be together.
Copy !req
169. Indeed.
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170. This must be how Maverick felt
when he met Goose.
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171. I feel the need.
Copy !req
172. The need for speed.
The need for speed.
Copy !req
173. And Scientology.
No, just speed.
Copy !req
174. So, listen, Quagmire,
there's something
Copy !req
175. I kind of wanted
to talk to you about.
Copy !req
176. E-Ever since Lois got us
twin beds, I can't fall asleep.
Copy !req
177. I'm used to having
another person there.
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178. I know. I always sleep better
when I'm next to someone.
Copy !req
179. Yeah, it's only
natural, right?
Copy !req
180. I'm glad to hear
you say that
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181. 'cause, you know, I guess
what I'm trying to say is,
Copy !req
182. I... want to propose
an arrangement
Copy !req
183. that could benefit
the both of us.
Copy !req
184. Okay.
Copy !req
185. Men need someone to spoon with
and snuggle with
Copy !req
186. just the same as women, and when
you don't have that, it-it's...
Copy !req
187. I... well,
what I'm getting at is...
Copy !req
188. I would like for you
to sleep with me in my bed,
Copy !req
189. and this, this is not about sex;
it's about sleep.
Copy !req
190. No, no, I totally
get it, Peter.
Copy !req
191. Snuggling is a
basic human need.
Copy !req
192. Right, I mean, who says
that the body next to you
Copy !req
193. has to be male or female
or... whatever?
Copy !req
194. Or alive.
Copy !req
195. Yeah... well, no,
but, yeah.
Copy !req
196. Look, I, I think
it's a great idea
Copy !req
197. and I, I'm completely with you.
Copy !req
198. I'm in. Let's try it.
Copy !req
199. Yay, that is
such good news.
Copy !req
200. And I'm so happy
they gave us a booth.
Copy !req
201. I know, 'cause they're
supposed to be reserved
Copy !req
202. for parties of
three or more.
Copy !req
203. I know!
Copy !req
204. Oh, Stewie, it's so nice
to finally have someone
Copy !req
205. to do naughty
things with.
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206. Definitely.
Copy !req
207. All right, I made
a wallet bomb
Copy !req
208. and I planted it
on Mort.
Copy !req
209. As soon
as he opens it— boom.
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210. Oh, bloody hell.
Copy !req
211. How do you go two weeks
without opening your wallet?
Copy !req
212. Yeah, he's been out
to dinner, like, four times.
Copy !req
213. We're clearly not going
to get him this way.
Copy !req
214. I know, which is why
I just planted another bomb
Copy !req
215. that's set to go off every time
he burps into his hand.
Copy !req
216. Ohh, I'd better make sure
my wallet's okay.
Copy !req
217. I say, we're
on quite a run.
Copy !req
218. We blew up the
Great Wall of China,
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219. bombed the Eiffel Tower, and
look at this note I sent off.
Copy !req
220. "Dear Pakistan,
Up yours.
Copy !req
221. Love, India."
Copy !req
222. Let's see
what happens.
Copy !req
223. They did not need much.
Copy !req
224. All right,
Stewie, your turn.
Copy !req
225. Okay, I have to destroy
Copenhagen with a...
Copy !req
226. tidal wave,
and the theme is...
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227. the Roaring Twenties.
Copy !req
228. Tha-That's, that's,
that's a challenge.
Copy !req
229. Roarin' twenten tidal waven!
Copy !req
230. Peter, what's
going on?
Copy !req
231. Quagmire's having
a sleepover with me.
Copy !req
232. You can't
be serious.
Copy !req
233. Look, Lois, I told you
that I need
Copy !req
234. to have somebody
sleeping next to me.
Copy !req
235. All right, now if that's
not going to be you...
Copy !req
236. Fine. Do what you want.
Copy !req
237. I don't care,
but I think it's very strange.
Copy !req
238. Okay, that's the
one thing it's not.
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239. Yeah, it's not strange.
Copy !req
240. I already told you:
I don't care.
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241. It's not strange.
Copy !req
242. I know.
Copy !req
243. All right,
let's see here.
Copy !req
244. Now just, uh, wrap
yourself around me.
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245. Is that okay?
Copy !req
246. Yeah, actually, you can
hold me even tighter.
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247. Okay, I just need to put
this arm right around here.
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248. Yeah, there we go.
Copy !req
249. Good, now let's just
fall asleep like this.
Copy !req
250. Your boxers are
a little starchy.
Copy !req
251. Can I take 'em off
with my foot?
Copy !req
252. Sure.
Copy !req
253. Come on, you.
Copy !req
254. Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Copy !req
255. Our top story:
Authorities are still searching
Copy !req
256. for the culprits in a series
of horrific acts of destruction
Copy !req
257. all across— scroll down, guys—
Copy !req
258. the globe.
Copy !req
259. That could've fit on there.
Copy !req
260. There was a long space
at the end of that line.
Copy !req
261. My God, it's you,
isn't it?
Copy !req
262. It's you and Penelope
Copy !req
263. who've been doing
all of these horrible things.
Copy !req
264. So? I've always been
about world domination.
Copy !req
265. What the hell did you think
I was talking about when I said,
Copy !req
266. "Victory shall be mine"?
Copy !req
267. You have not said that
in a very long time.
Copy !req
268. Well, I'm back on it.
Copy !req
269. Stewie, Penelope is taking you
down a dark path.
Copy !req
270. Look, in the past
you've done terrible things,
Copy !req
271. but it's always been
about the pursuit
Copy !req
272. of your greater goal
of world domination.
Copy !req
273. But this girl— she just creates
chaos for the sake of chaos.
Copy !req
274. So, what are you saying?
Copy !req
275. I'm saying she's
a bad influence on you,
Copy !req
276. and you should stop spending
time with her.
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277. I shall do no such thing.
Copy !req
278. Penelope is wonderful.
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279. We're going to be
together forever.
Copy !req
280. Well, Rupert,
this is a big mess.
Copy !req
281. What the hell were you
doing talking to him?
Copy !req
282. You know who I think
is an ugly slut?
Copy !req
283. Miss Sharon.
Copy !req
284. Miss Sharon
from your day care?
Copy !req
285. Yes.
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286. This is a map of her house.
Copy !req
287. I thought we could
burn her in her bed
Copy !req
288. while her children watch.
Copy !req
289. You know, Penelope,
Copy !req
290. maybe we don't have
to kill someone every day.
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291. There are other things to do.
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292. Like what?
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293. I-I don't know.
Copy !req
294. You know what? Forget it.
Copy !req
295. I-I think Brian just got
in my head a bit. That's all.
Copy !req
296. Brian?
Copy !req
297. Why? What did Brian say?
Copy !req
298. Oh, nothing.
Copy !req
299. He just thinks that you're
a bad influence on me.
Copy !req
300. T-Thinks I should stop
seeing you.
Copy !req
301. He does?
Copy !req
302. How dare he!
Copy !req
303. Babe? Babe?
Copy !req
304. Don't worry about it,
all right?
Copy !req
305. Stewart, do you love me?
Copy !req
306. More than anything.
Copy !req
307. Then swear on that love
that you'll do what I ask.
Copy !req
308. Just name it.
Copy !req
309. Kill him.
Copy !req
310. Kill Brian for me.
Copy !req
311. Family Guy is brought to you
by AXE Body Spray.
Copy !req
312. Spray it on after gym class
Copy !req
313. instead of getting beat up
in the shower.
Copy !req
314. Kind of weird those guys
want to fight you naked, huh?
Copy !req
315. AXE Body Spray.
Copy !req
316. Oh, God, I can't kill Brian.
Copy !req
317. Even for Penelope.
Copy !req
318. He's my dog, my friend.
Copy !req
319. Well, I wonder what words
Copy !req
320. are gonna come
out of this pen today.
Copy !req
321. All right, I can do this.
Copy !req
322. Oh, who am I kidding?
Copy !req
323. I can't do this.
Copy !req
324. I don't care how many children
you've lost in childbirth.
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325. You're fired.
Copy !req
326. But I was only
having a child
Copy !req
327. because you
and the mister...
Copy !req
328. You don't get to speak
of me and the mister!
Copy !req
329. Ah, Stewie.
So did you do it?
Copy !req
330. Have you removed that wretched
cur from our existence?
Copy !req
331. I just couldn't bring myself
to kill him, Penelope.
Copy !req
332. Brian is my best friend.
Copy !req
333. Perhaps you're right.
Copy !req
334. Perhaps it was wrong of me
to ask you to do such a thing.
Copy !req
335. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
336. I'm so glad you're being
so understanding about this.
Copy !req
337. I was actually dreading
having to tell you about this.
Copy !req
338. Bleah.
Copy !req
339. It appears I'll have
to kill him myself.
Copy !req
340. What?
Copy !req
341. I knew you were too weak
to do this.
Copy !req
342. You're nothing but a coward.
Copy !req
343. No, Penelope, wait!
Copy !req
344. Strong women always turn out
to be nightmares.
Copy !req
345. Like Joan of Arc.
Copy !req
346. Hey, guys,
I'm not like other girls.
Copy !req
347. I kill people and burp
and watch so much porn.
Copy !req
348. Isn't that cool?
No.
Copy !req
349. I like a lot
of goofball comedies
Copy !req
350. that other chicks don't like.
Copy !req
351. My favorite thing to play
is Call of Duty.
Copy !req
352. Look me up.
I'm GuitarGurrrl76.
Copy !req
353. Let's burn this chick
at the stake.
Copy !req
354. I love steak!
Copy !req
355. Other girls don't.
Copy !req
356. I'm actually more like a dude.
Copy !req
357. Hey, guys,
don't come in my room.
Copy !req
358. I might be rubbin' one in.
Copy !req
359. Peter, this is ridiculous.
Copy !req
360. It's time for you
to come home.
Copy !req
361. I live here now, Lois.
Copy !req
362. Look, I'm sorry
that I ever got us separate...
Copy !req
363. Is that a bracelet
you're wearing?
Copy !req
364. It's a giggity band, Lois.
Copy !req
365. You wouldn't understand.
Copy !req
366. Look, Peter,
if you come home now,
Copy !req
367. we can get our old bed back,
Copy !req
368. and you can snuggle with me
as much as you want.
Copy !req
369. Well...
Copy !req
370. You promise?
Copy !req
371. I promise.
Copy !req
372. 'Cause, you know,
I missed cuddling with you, too.
Copy !req
373. You did?
Copy !req
374. I sure did.
Copy !req
375. Well, then, hey...
Copy !req
376. what do you say we go home, huh?
Copy !req
377. Sounds good to me.
Copy !req
378. Oh, Brian, there you are!
Copy !req
379. Thank God.
Oh, hey, Stewie.
Copy !req
380. Did you make that coffee?
Copy !req
381. Um, no, it was here
when I came in.
Copy !req
382. I assume Lois made it.
Don't drink that!
Copy !req
383. Hey, that mug was my crew
gift from "Class Holes."
Copy !req
384. Did you take a bite
out of this donut?
Copy !req
385. Yeah, it was from a
box on the counter.
Copy !req
386. So what?
How long ago?
Copy !req
387. I don't know. Five minutes?
Copy !req
388. There's still time.
Copy !req
389. God, Stewie, are you
out of your mind?
Copy !req
390. Trust me, I'm only doing
what's best for you.
Copy !req
391. Well, I do feel pretty
thin and wonderful.
Copy !req
392. And I still got
to eat the donut.
Copy !req
393. Why isn't everybody
doing this?
Copy !req
394. They are.
Copy !req
395. I've got a package here
for Brian Griffin.
Copy !req
396. Oh, that's me.
Copy !req
397. Brian, no!
Copy !req
398. Stewie, what the hell
is going on?
Copy !req
399. I'm so sorry, Brian.
Copy !req
400. Penelope told me
I had to kill you
Copy !req
401. because you said
we should break up,
Copy !req
402. but I couldn't bring myself
to do it.
Copy !req
403. So then she said
she was gonna kill you and...
Copy !req
404. This-this is not for you.
Copy !req
405. That was weird.
Copy !req
406. W-What was he doing?
Copy !req
407. Anyway, Penelope's
trying to kill you!
Copy !req
408. I told you she was bad news.
Copy !req
409. Look, let's just get you
someplace safe.
Copy !req
410. Dude, get out of here.
Copy !req
411. Stewie, step aside.
Copy !req
412. Penelope,
I can't let you do this.
Copy !req
413. Stewie, she's
one year old.
Copy !req
414. I think I can
handle this myself.
Copy !req
415. All right, Stewie, tag in.
Copy !req
416. Slo-o-w mo-o-o-tion
di-I-ving at yo-o-u!
Copy !req
417. Anti-gravity gun!
Copy !req
418. This is beyond my technology.
Copy !req
419. Perhaps if I detonate
an electromagnetic pulse,
Copy !req
420. it will disable it.
Copy !req
421. Stay away from my dog.
Copy !req
422. Very well, Stewie. I shall.
Copy !req
423. But just one thing.
Copy !req
424. What?
Copy !req
425. That was...
Copy !req
426. beautiful.
Copy !req
427. I'm gonna tell my friends
I banged her.
Copy !req
428. Hey, thanks for
saving my life.
Copy !req
429. Well, it was the least
I could do.
Copy !req
430. Obviously, it turns out
you were right about Penelope.
Copy !req
431. You okay?
Copy !req
432. I will be.
Copy !req
433. I will be, babe.
Copy !req
434. Oh, hey, Meg.
Copy !req
435. What have you been up to?
Copy !req