1. Need to move?
Copy !req
2. No problem.
Copy !req
3. Take it yourself with U-Haul.
Copy !req
4. But I've never driven
a truck before.
Copy !req
5. No problem.
Copy !req
6. U-Haul lets anyone drive
a giant truck,
Copy !req
7. even though it's dangerous,
because, hey, you're moving.
Copy !req
8. Sorry, I'm making a go
of it in a new city.
Copy !req
9. All right, I'll see you
guys in a couple of days.
Copy !req
10. Where are you going?
Copy !req
11. I'm off to take pictures
of lesbian butts.
Copy !req
12. What?
Copy !req
13. Joe and Quagmire and I are
making a coffee table book
Copy !req
14. called Lesbian Butts
in '80s Jeans.
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15. I already got the first
chapter right here.
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16. Where'd you take
all these pictures?
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17. You know, coffee houses,
Chevy dealerships,
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18. all the usual places.
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19. Peter, you're not
doing that.
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20. I got a ton
of errands to run,
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21. and I need your help
around here.
Copy !req
22. Well, fine, if I
can't do the book
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23. I'm gonna hurt
something you love.
Copy !req
24. You happy now?
Copy !req
25. Maybe we should discuss this
in the other room.
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26. I don't like fighting
in front of the kids.
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27. No, I want to fight
in front of the kids.
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28. I feed off the excitement
of an audience.
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29. Peter, for once
you're going to stay here
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30. and help
around the house.
Copy !req
31. Now, I need you to watch
Stewie till I get back.
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32. Whoever did this, thank you.
Copy !req
33. All right, Stewie,
since Lois says
Copy !req
34. I got to keep
an eye on you,
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35. we might as well have
some father-son time,
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36. so I'm gonna measure
your penis
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37. and then I'm gonna
measure my penis,
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38. and we're gonna see
whose is bigger.
Copy !req
39. Doesn't really
seem fair.
Copy !req
40. All right, let's see
what you got.
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41. Stupid game anyway.
Copy !req
42. Hey, kids, coming up next,
Copy !req
43. it's the Jolly Farm Revue
marathon.
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44. No, no, don't
switch it.
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45. I want to watch
Jolly Farm.
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46. Son of a bitch.
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47. I got to spend the rest of the
day watching stupid kid shows.
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48. I'd rather watch paint dry.
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49. Nice.
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50. Wakey, wakey.
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51. Good morning, Mother Maggie.
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52. Heh, who's this?
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53. I like this lady.
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54. Hey, do you think
Mother Maggie
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55. is married to
Father Fa...?
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56. Oh, probably not.
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57. And the unicorn slid
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58. down the rainbow
to a field of jellybeans
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59. where she
and the other villagers decided
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60. it had been the best day ever.
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61. Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig,
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62. and he's sharing
his apples nicely, isn't he?
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63. Like a champ he is.
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64. And that's how you make a duck
out of an oatmeal container.
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65. This is the greatest show
in the history of television.
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66. Mother Maggie, you are
a kindred spirit.
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67. This must be how twins
who are separated at birth
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68. feel when they first meet.
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69. Trade house keys,
bang each other's wives?
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70. Yep.
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71. I can't dissect
this pig, Mr. Kingman.
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72. It's against
my religion.
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73. Believe me, Neil,
it's no thrill
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74. for the pig to
touch a Jew either.
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75. Okay, how about you,
Meg, how are you doing?
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76. Pretty good.
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77. It's, it's kind of cool
cutting something that's not me.
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78. Wow, that's some
very impressive work.
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79. It's easy for Meg to dissect
a pig because she is a pig.
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80. Hey!
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81. All right,
I'll let that one slide.
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82. Meg, you have some
real potential.
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83. Have you ever thought
about becoming a doctor
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84. when you grow up?
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85. I always just assumed
I'd work on the docks.
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86. Don't limit
yourself, Meg.
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87. Doctors wear a mask
most of the time,
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88. so this isn't
an issue.
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89. If you're interested
the school has a program
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90. where you can shadow
a real doctor
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91. and learn more about
the medical field.
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92. Yeah, wow, I'd love
to check that out.
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93. Great, I'll
set it up.
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94. I didn't know a pig
could be a doctor.
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95. Hey!
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96. You get
just a few more of those.
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97. Now, children, we're going
to learn who wears a hat.
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98. Can a fireman wear
a hat?
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99. Yes.
No? Yes.
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100. Can a policeman
wear a hat?
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101. Yes.
No way.
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102. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.
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103. Yes, he can, I knew that.
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104. Now, you at home, tell me,
who else wears a hat?
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105. A very formal horse?
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106. Very good.
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107. Even a bowling ball can wear a
hat if you use your imagination.
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108. A bowling ball wearing a hat?
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109. This is what high-def
was invented for.
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110. Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
Copy !req
111. Being a good dad
like you asked.
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112. I've been watching
Jolly Farm with Stewie
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113. for the last
three hours.
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114. That's not Stewie,
that's a pineapple.
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115. Oh, my God, where is Stewie?
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116. I don't know, but
I'm sure he's fine.
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117. Peter, he's a baby.
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118. You can't leave him alone.
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119. Come on, it's good to
have some alone time.
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120. You know, I spent a year
alone on a desert island
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121. with nothing but a monkey
to keep me company.
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122. You're saved, sir, we're going
to get you back to civilization.
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123. And how about we bring along
your monkey pal?
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124. Okay.
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125. Yeah, we can teach
him sign language
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126. and he can
tell us stories
Copy !req
127. about what you two did
on the island together.
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128. No, n-no, no, no, let's, let's
not, let's not bring the monkey.
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129. Um, I have a peanut M&M
up my nose
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130. and it's now further up
than my finger can reach.
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131. I am ready to farm
this out to someone.
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132. Oh, Stewie, there you are.
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133. Peter, I asked you to do one
simple thing— watch the baby—
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134. and you couldn't even do that.
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135. Come on, Stewie.
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136. Geez, why's she got
to be such a nag?
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137. I wish she was more
like Mother Maggie.
Copy !req
138. Mother Maggie has an
announcement, lads and lasses.
Copy !req
139. I've had such fun playing
and learning with you
Copy !req
140. these last few years, but now,
Copy !req
141. just as bees must leave the
hive, I must leave Jolly Farm—
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142. not that you asked, but to have
fertility treatments—
Copy !req
143. so this will be our last episode
of Jolly Farm.
Copy !req
144. What? No.
Copy !req
145. They can't cancel Jolly Farm.
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146. Peter, it's just a
stupid kids' show.
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147. Just a stupid
kids' show?
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148. What about Pengrove Pig
and the Lollipop Luau?
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149. I-I-I don't know.
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150. This is going
to leave a void,
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151. and somebody's got
to fill it.
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152. I think you're
overreacting.
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153. You don't understand,
Brian.
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154. What am I supposed to do
without Jolly Farm?
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155. I'll be like an Italian mom
without bad kids.
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156. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell
is all the commotion in here?
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157. We're not doing anything.
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158. You getting
fresh with me?
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159. I'm tired of bailing both
of youse out of prison.
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160. We're both
in college
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161. and we consistently make
the dean's list.
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162. I'm telling
your father.
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163. Good.
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164. Where the hell
is our food?
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165. Yeah, where are
Mom and Dad?
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166. And where's
that awesome finger painting
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167. Stewie did this morning?
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168. Oh, here it is.
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169. Thank you for bringing it up.
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170. I wasn't going to bring it up.
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171. Well, what's
going on?
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172. You haven't
eaten yet?
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173. No.
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174. Where's your father?
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175. He was supposed to put
the lasagna in the oven.
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176. I ask him to do one thing
while I'm at yoga.
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177. You go to an intro class
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178. and it's not even
at the yoga studio.
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179. It's in someone's living room.
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180. And that's not even a yoga mat.
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181. That's the old pee pad
from my crib.
Copy !req
182. Uh, Lois, you might want
to check this out.
Copy !req
183. What is it, Brian?
Take a look.
Copy !req
184. And now, boys and girls,
it's time for Petey's Funhouse.
Copy !req
185. Ugh, another
Aaron Sorkin show
Copy !req
186. that's way over
everyone's head.
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187. How the hell did you even get
a TV show, Peter?
Copy !req
188. I just answered an
ad off Craigslist,
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189. and after several hours of
sexual torture, I had a show.
Copy !req
190. Don't answer that.
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191. I gave out that
number under duress.
Copy !req
192. Lois, Peter's show is on the
local public access channel.
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193. Anyone can have one.
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194. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse
is actually replacing
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195. The Bad Audio Basement Show.
Copy !req
196. And once the hot glue dries,
your birdhouse will be complete.
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197. Peter, you already do
nothing around the house
Copy !req
198. and now you're wasting
more time with this nonsense.
Copy !req
199. Geez, you're still getting
on my hump about this?
Copy !req
200. I help out
around here.
Copy !req
201. Just this morning I
changed Meg's diaper
Copy !req
202. and I sent her
off to school.
Copy !req
203. Boy, can she kick, but
she left here spotless.
Copy !req
204. Dr. Hartman, thanks for
letting me shadow you.
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205. I just know I'm going
to learn so much.
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206. It's my pleasure, Meg,
and you're in good hands.
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207. You see that diploma?
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208. Yale Medical School.
Copy !req
209. Wow, that's
impressive.
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210. Thank you, I work very hard
on my calligraphy.
Copy !req
211. So, how about we take a little
stroll around the hospital?
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212. This area is known
as a hallway.
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213. Don't worry,
you'll pick up
Copy !req
214. on all the technical
doctor jargon pretty soon.
Copy !req
215. Hey, is it prescription
or perscription?
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216. I think
it's prescription.
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217. Prescription... that just
feels weird in my mouth.
Copy !req
218. Perscription is better.
Copy !req
219. Oh, and there's the E.R.
Copy !req
220. Don't go in there unless you
want everyone to yell at you.
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221. Hi, kids, I'm Petey Griffin.
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222. Hi, Petey!
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223. We're going to have so much fun
on Petey's Funhouse today,
Copy !req
224. but before we begin, your friend
Petey wants to sing you a song.
Copy !req
225. And you are
and you're not.
Copy !req
226. Okay, kids, it's story time here
on Petey's Funhouse.
Copy !req
227. Today's story is
Lesbian Butts in '80s Jeans.
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228. Ooh, that's a classic.
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229. Once upon a time, some chick in
a leather jacket in front of me
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230. in the parking lot walked
into Home Depot,
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231. and her butt looked like this.
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232. Everybody see this?
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233. Everybody see
how shapeless this is?
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234. She walked out of there with
a bag of soil on each shoulder.
Copy !req
235. Now, before I show you
this next one,
Copy !req
236. has anyone here ever heard
of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally?
Copy !req
237. I know we have a lot of yuks
here on Petey's Funhouse,
Copy !req
238. but one thing
that's not fun is a bully.
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239. Now, how many of you kids out
there have ever gotten bullied?
Copy !req
240. Aw, come on up here
Copy !req
241. and tell us
about it, champ.
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242. Well, my name is Winston,
and I'm quite fond of ballet.
Copy !req
243. One time I tried out
for Little League
Copy !req
244. in my ballet shoes,
and the other kids made
Copy !req
245. so much fun of me,
I wet my pants.
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246. What, wait,
what, like pee?
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247. How old were you?
Eight.
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248. Aah, too old!
Copy !req
249. Too old to be peeing yourself,
Baby Pee Pants.
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250. All right,
you kids finish him off.
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251. Hey, what do you
got there?
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252. Oh, I'm just playing
with some Lee Logs.
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253. What the hell
are Lee Logs?
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254. A little something I
created— Lee Logs.
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255. Robert E. Lee.
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256. You know, you got Lincoln
Logs, you got Lee Logs.
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257. I don't get it, can,
can you build a house?
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258. You can build
quarters.
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259. And people live there?
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260. They live there if you
tell 'em to live there.
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261. I don't know if I like
the idea of Lee Logs.
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262. Yeah, they're not
selling very well.
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263. Peter, dinner!
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264. No dinner for
me tonight, Lois.
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265. I have to go work on
a bit for tomorrow's show.
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266. If I can kill 25
butterflies in a minute,
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267. I won't have to show
the audience my balls.
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268. Peter, this is the
fourth night in a row
Copy !req
269. you've skipped out on us
to work on your show.
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270. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck
cleaning up the kitchen,
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271. helping out with homework,
and bathing Stewie.
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272. You know, I'd lay off
the nagging if I was you.
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273. I'm a children's TV star now.
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274. I can have any three-year-old
girl I want.
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275. Just know that, Lois.
Copy !req
276. Peter, I'm only asking
you to do your share.
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277. Well, it's getting
on my nerves.
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278. Like, right now,
Copy !req
279. you are the most
annoying thing
Copy !req
280. in my life, with the
possible exception of Evite.
Copy !req
281. What's this?
It's this Web site
you can use
Copy !req
282. to invite people
to stuff.
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283. Does it have to be
a significant event?
Copy !req
284. No. Not at all!
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285. Well, do you just
get the invitation,
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286. and that's the end of it?
Copy !req
287. No, it'll remind you
about it constantly!
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288. Is there any way
I can customize this
Copy !req
289. to showcase my personality
through familiar clip art?
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290. Yes!
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291. And what about
those replying?
Copy !req
292. Can they demonstrate
their sense of humor
Copy !req
293. through hilarious replies?
Copy !req
294. Yes, yes, yes to
everything you're saying!
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295. I'm so excited
to get started!
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296. You do that while
I jump out this window!
Copy !req
297. Evite. Tell a friend
and then kill yourself.
Copy !req
298. And then when you
get a little older,
Copy !req
299. stuff will come out.
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300. Uh-oh!
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301. Sounds like my cranky
new neighbor just got home.
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302. I hope she doesn't
come over here
Copy !req
303. and give me the business.
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304. Peter!
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305. Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy.
Copy !req
306. Never mind with "hi!"
Copy !req
307. It sounds like someone's
having fun over here!
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308. You know I don't
like that!
Copy !req
309. Hey, kids.
Meet Saggy Naggy.
Copy !req
310. Real nice lady, huh?
Copy !req
311. No!
Copy !req
312. What can I do for you,
Saggy Naggy?
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313. You can stop having fun!
Copy !req
314. But we like fun,
don't we, kids?
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315. Yes!
Copy !req
316. Well, too bad,
Copy !req
317. 'cause you're all gonna
eat your vegetables,
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318. listen to long stories
about my cousins,
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319. and help me
fold sheets!
Copy !req
320. And you! You're gonna
help around the house,
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321. take out the garbage,
Copy !req
322. and give Stewie
his bottle!
Copy !req
323. Yeah, I heard it.
They say my name
Copy !req
324. on TV all the time;
calm down, bitch.
Copy !req
325. Make me dinner,
and go rent Twilight,
Copy !req
326. and do mouth
stuff on me,
Copy !req
327. even though it's been
a day-and-a-half
since I've showered,
Copy !req
328. and I've used several public
bathrooms in the interim!
Copy !req
329. Sounds like this could
go on for a while, kids.
Copy !req
330. Hey, Saggy Naggy,
Copy !req
331. I know what'll cheer you up.
Copy !req
332. Do you like pie?
Copy !req
333. I guess.
Copy !req
334. Well, how does this taste?
Copy !req
335. Well, I guess she thought
Copy !req
336. it was a no-pies-in-the-face
kind of neighborhood.
Copy !req
337. Wrong assessment
of the neighborhood, sweetheart!
Copy !req
338. And how are you today, Mr...
Copy !req
339. Pa-ti-ent?
Copy !req
340. My last name is Saunders.
Copy !req
341. That's an interesting
pronunciation.
Copy !req
342. This is Meg; she's
shadowing me today.
Copy !req
343. And boy, could she put
the applesauce away
Copy !req
344. in the commissary.
Hi.
Copy !req
345. Little tip, Meg:
The inside of this folder
Copy !req
346. has a diagram
of the human body.
Copy !req
347. Kind of a cheat sheet.
Copy !req
348. Now see, right now,
I'm listening for cancer.
Copy !req
349. Do you mean
his heartbeat?
Copy !req
350. Maybe. Here,
you take a turn.
Copy !req
351. Wow, your heartbeat
sounds a little fast.
Copy !req
352. Do you smoke?
Actually, I do.
Copy !req
353. Ah, me, too.
Isn't it great?
Copy !req
354. Well, that's
bad for you.
Copy !req
355. You shouldn't do it.
Copy !req
356. It raises your heart rate
Copy !req
357. and can lead
to emphysema or cancer.
Copy !req
358. That's impressive, Meg.
It's no big deal.
Copy !req
359. It's just stuff
I learned in health class.
Copy !req
360. Well, you're clearly
a bright, young lady.
Copy !req
361. And you've got quite a...
Copy !req
362. head on your...
Copy !req
363. shoulders.
Copy !req
364. Thanks.
Copy !req
365. Dr. Hartman, you just got
this urgent message.
Copy !req
366. Oh, dear.
Prilosec, huh?
Copy !req
367. No, it's below that.
Copy !req
368. Oh.
Copy !req
369. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
370. Meg, I'm afraid
my brother
Copy !req
371. just tried to kill
himself in prison.
Copy !req
372. I-I have to go.
Copy !req
373. You're gonna have to take
things from here, I guess.
Copy !req
374. What? What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
375. Well, you now know
about as much as I do
Copy !req
376. about this whole
doctor thing.
Copy !req
377. But I have no formal
medical training.
Copy !req
378. Ah, you'll be fine.
I think that book
on the shelf
Copy !req
379. has most of the
stuff in there.
Copy !req
380. And don't forget
the cheat sheet if
you need a helping...
Copy !req
381. hand.
Copy !req
382. Are we really
buying fish
Copy !req
383. at the same place
we buy tires?
Copy !req
384. And, w-what... "Fazio"?
Copy !req
385. What, is that a brand
of Blu-ray player?
Copy !req
386. Stewie, this sweatshirt
is so sophisticated.
Copy !req
387. Look, it says New York.
Copy !req
388. People will think
I'm from there.
Copy !req
389. Put your phone away;
we're at a funeral!
Copy !req
390. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
391. Look!
Copy !req
392. It's Saggy Naggy.
Copy !req
393. Boo!
Copy !req
394. You're mean.
Copy !req
395. I don't like you,
Saggy Naggy.
Copy !req
396. You stink, Saggy Naggy.
Copy !req
397. My goodness, that's
a very rude thing
Copy !req
398. to say to someone.
Copy !req
399. Calling them Saggy...
Copy !req
400. What the hell?
Copy !req
401. Young man, what do
you think you're...
Copy !req
402. Lois, I just saw
Jessica Alba on
television.
Copy !req
403. We've got 90 seconds;
let's go!
Copy !req
404. Peter, I'm not
in the mood!
Copy !req
405. That's okay. We can
do it anyway.
Copy !req
406. Peter, I was assaulted
in public because of you!
Copy !req
407. Oh, my God, what happened?
Copy !req
408. I'll tell you
what happened.
Copy !req
409. A group of kids
attacked me at Costmart
Copy !req
410. because you portrayed
me on your show
Copy !req
411. as a raging
puppet bitch!
Copy !req
412. Writers take
from their lives.
Copy !req
413. You married a creative type.
You knew this was a risk.
Copy !req
414. What's that
supposed to mean?
Copy !req
415. Well, the last few weeks,
you've been nagging the
hell out of me.
Copy !req
416. Peter, you think
I like nagging you?
Copy !req
417. One of us needs to be
an adult in this marriage,
Copy !req
418. and it's clearly not you.
Copy !req
419. Is this about me wetting
the bed just now?
Copy !req
420. Peter, don't
you understand
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421. that I'm just looking
out for this family?
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422. Besides, without
my nagging,
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423. you'd probably
get yourself killed.
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424. Or laid. Right,
frat house?
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425. Yeah!
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426. Those knuckleheads
should be studying.
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427. Okay, you know what?
Fine, Peter, that's it.
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428. From now on, I'm not
nagging you anymore.
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429. You're not?
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430. No, you're on your own.
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431. I'm done with it.
I'm done with all of it!
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432. Well, great, I should
probably get some sleep.
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433. Tomorrow on Petey's Funhouse,
we're doing "Who's on First."
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434. I'm gonna play
Costello,
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435. and Abbott is gonna
be played by live puma.
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436. Peter, that sounds
really d...
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437. You know what?
Sounds great.
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438. Have fun.
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439. Thanks, Lois.
Good night.
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440. Lois? Other families
fight, too, right?
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441. Not this much.
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442. Do you think maybe
we should think about
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443. getting a...
It is what it is.
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444. Let's just get Stewie to
college and go from there.
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445. Sir, if you're gonna
want me to examine
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446. where you're
having an issue,
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447. you're gonna have to be more
specific than "thingee".
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448. Okay. It's not
the front thingee.
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449. What's going on in here?
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450. Where's Dr. Hartman?
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451. He had a family emergency.
I'm not really a doctor
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452. but I've been sort of
filling in for him.
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453. You what?
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454. Well, I think I want
to go into medicine,
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455. so I was shadowing
Dr. Hartman.
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456. I've actually
been learning a lot,
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457. but then he just left me here!
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458. Well, you don't belong here!
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459. This is a professional
medical institution
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460. with standards
and regulations to adhere to!
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461. But, but I...
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462. I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
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463. I'm sorry.
I'll go.
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464. My issue has
resolved itself.
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465. And don't go anywhere, kids,
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466. 'cause coming up,
we got some classic comedy
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467. with me and a puma.
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468. Is Dad really gonna do this?
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469. I told your father I was
gonna leave him alone.
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470. Saggy Naggy is
keeping out of this.
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471. Is the puma ready?
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472. Maybe we should
poke him with the
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473. "is-the-Puma-ready?"
stick.
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474. Oh, my god, I can't
let him do this!
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475. Come on, kids! We got to get
down to that TV studio!
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476. Okay, yeah, just step
on the coloring book.
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477. That's cool.
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478. I'm asking you
who's on first?
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479. Oh, my God! Peter!
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480. Cut the camera! Cut it!
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481. Roll a
"Petey Learn-A-Long Song"!
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482. Oh, he's hurt bad.
Someone call 911!
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483. He's bleeding too much!
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484. He needs attention now!
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485. Somebody help him!
Do something!
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486. Now she's nagging everyone.
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487. Does anyone have
any medical training?
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488. It looks like his
jugular is severed.
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489. I learned this
at the hospital.
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490. Mr. Swanson, find me
a first-aid kit!
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491. Mom, hand me those towels.
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492. Did I hold on to the ball?
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493. Hang in there, Dad.
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494. I'm gonna get you fixed up.
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495. You can do it, Meg.
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496. Come on, Meg.
You've got to save him!
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497. Peter, you need to let go.
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498. L-Lois?
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499. Oh, Peter, thank God!
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500. You're okay.
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501. I guess you were right
about that puma.
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502. I don't know what
I was thinking.
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503. I should've
listened to you.
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504. Peter, I don't
care about that.
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505. I acted like a real jerk,
and I'm sorry, Lois.
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506. I know you just
get on my case
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507. 'cause you're
looking out for me.
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508. I am, Peter.
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509. And it's only because
I love you
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510. and I want the best for you
and our family.
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511. I love you, too, Lois.
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512. Isn't anybody
gonna thank me?
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513. Yeah, I'll have a water
if you're getting one.
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514. Mr. Griffin,
you have a visitor.
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515. Hey.
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516. Hey. I get it now.
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517. "Who" is the man's name.
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518. Aha, ah!
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