1. Uh, uh, hold it.
Hold it.
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2. What-what...
what's going on here?
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3. I'm pregnant.
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4. You...
you're what?
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5. Yeah.
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6. We're in the middle
of a thing here.
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7. Well, you didn't return
any of my texts.
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8. So what-what...
so what's going on?
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9. You-you... you want, like,
a... a ride to the place?
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10. Peter, what's
going on?
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11. What's going on, Lois,
is that this girl
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12. is obviously not well,
and I have just learned
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13. that she's been stealing
from the show,
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14. and she should probably
be escorted out of the building.
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15. We now return
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16. to Star Trek II: The Wrath
of Khan, edited for goats.
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17. Marooned for all eternity
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18. in the center
of a dead planet.
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19. Buried alive.
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20. Buried alive.
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21. Lois, I need $28,000.
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22. For what?
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23. I've decided I want to open
a sushi restaurant.
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24. What do you know
about sushi?
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25. I don't care
about the sushi.
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26. I just want to yell at customers
when they walk in the door.
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27. Here comes a black guy!
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28. Peter, you're not
getting money
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29. for that or
anything else.
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30. We're running seriously
low on cash right now.
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31. In fact, I may have to
get my own full-time job.
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32. Geez. Are we really living
that close to the edge?
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33. You know we
are, Brian.
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34. Why do you think
we waited so long
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35. to take you to the
groomer's last month?
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36. Hey, isn't it time for me
to get a haircut?
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37. Oh, no. I think
you just got one.
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38. Are you sure?
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39. 'Cause I feel like
my nails are really long.
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40. Yeah, I'll check,
but I'm pretty sure
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41. it's not for another
couple of weeks.
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42. What day is this?
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43. Like it or not, we're
going to have to start
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44. living on a strict
budget for a while.
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45. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is...
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46. I thought you were going
to sing with me, Joyce.
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47. Okay. Our top
story tonight.
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48. The Rhode Island
State Lottery
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49. has climbed to a record
$150 million jackpot.
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50. That's right, Tom.
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51. Powerball fever has
officially gripped Quahog.
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52. We sent Channel Five News
Asian correspondent
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53. Tricia Takanawa around town
to get the public reaction.
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54. Mayor West, what do you plan
to do if you win the lottery?
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55. Well, I'd finally
splurge and buy myself
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56. one of those fancy
four-piece suits.
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57. I'd like to join
your country club.
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58. I assume that won't
be a problem.
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59. And how about you,
every Persian guy in the world?
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60. White BMW.
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61. There you go, Lois.
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62. That's the answer right there.
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63. We'll just win the lottery.
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64. In fact, I'm going to go buy
my winning ticket right now.
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65. Peter, what's wrong?
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66. It's, uh, nothing.
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67. I'm just going
to wait a minute.
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68. There's teenagers
in skinny jeans out there.
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69. Everyone, I got big news.
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70. We are going
to be rich.
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71. Oh, my God, Peter.
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72. There are thousands of
lottery tickets here.
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73. Where did you get the
money for all these?
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74. Simple. I took out a second
mortgage on the house.
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75. What?
Peter, this is idiotic.
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76. Your odds of winning
are like 100 million to one.
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77. Don't you know the lottery
is just a tax on stupid people?
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78. Would you be saying
that if the prize
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79. was 150 million bags of
the neighbor's garbage?
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80. But it's not.
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81. I mean... I mean, is it?
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82. It's... that-that is an
unrealistic, unfair question.
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83. Peter, Brian's right.
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84. How can you be
so irresponsible?
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85. You take these tickets
back right now.
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86. No way, Lois.
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87. We're going to win.
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88. I got lots of good
karma built up
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89. from doing those
USO shows.
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90. So, apparently, they found
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91. a weapon of mass destruction—
my putter.
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92. All right, boys.
Go get 'em over there.
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93. And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
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94. Just wanted to
remind you fellas
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95. what you're all
fighting for.
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96. Okay, this is
it, you guys.
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97. They're going to announce
the winning lottery numbers.
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98. Time for the Griffin family
to meet its destiny.
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99. When we lose,
I'm getting a divorce.
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100. Understood.
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101. We're here live in our studio
where a checkout girl
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102. in a cheap dress
who wants to be a model
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103. is ready to draw
the winning numbers.
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104. "E!"
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105. That's
a three, honey.
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106. Turn it around.
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107. This.
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108. Thirty-one.
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109. Spooky ghost mouth.
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110. That's a zero.
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111. Snowman.
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112. Eight.
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113. Two sailboats.
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114. Forty-four.
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115. Seventeen.
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116. No, that's...
Oh, yes, that is 17.
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117. She's good at 17.
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118. Well, folks,
those are our winning numbers.
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119. Good luck to all of our...
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120. Twenty-four!
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121. No, that's it. We're done.
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122. Anyone watching,
do not count 24.
Pancakes!
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123. Okay, I don't know
what she's doing now.
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124. Somebody turn the machine off.
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125. N-Nikki, Nikki, that's good.
That's good.
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126. Go... go wait in my car.
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127. All right, you did good.
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128. Going to take her
to Walt's Roast Beef.
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129. All right, kids,
we got 200,000
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130. lottery tickets
we got to check.
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131. All right, how do you
want to do this?
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132. A static shot of the house
where night turns into day
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133. or a montage song that
over-explains what we're doing?
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134. Um, that
second one
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135. sounds like it
could be funny.
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136. Well, that's it.
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137. Three days wasted looking
through 200,000 lottery tickets.
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138. Those weren't
the lottery tickets.
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139. That was a test.
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140. These are
the lottery tickets.
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141. Is this another test?
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142. Yes.
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143. These aren't the real
lottery tickets, either.
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144. These are the real
lottery tickets.
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145. So, in addition to buying
200,000 lottery tickets,
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146. you had 400,000 fake ones
printed up?
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147. I had to be sure.
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148. Oh, my God. We won!
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149. What?
Let me see that.
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150. Yes! We won the lottery!
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151. I'm getting a penis butler.
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152. Sir?
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153. All right, butle
my penis. Butle it!
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154. This is awesome.
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155. Now that we're rich,
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156. our lives are going
to be so much better.
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157. You sure it was
such a good idea
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158. to cash that
lottery check?
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159. It seems foolish to have
all this money lying around.
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160. Oh, you'd rather have
it down at the bank
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161. where the Jewish
guys can leer at it?
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162. Yeah!
All right!
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163. Money!
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164. Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
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165. Hello?
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166. Did you blow all your money yet?
No, Daddy.
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167. All right. Call me
when you blow all your money.
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168. Love you. Bye.
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169. All right, so how are we
going to spend our winnings?
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170. I'm going to get some
supermarket fried chicken
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171. and eat it until I'm nauseous.
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172. I'm going to finally get my gal
that doodad she's been wantin'!
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173. I'm going to get a floor mirror
to squat over
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174. and see what's making
all that noise.
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175. Okay, everybody
just calm down.
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176. We're not going to go crazy
spending our winnings,
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177. and we're not going to let
this money change us.
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178. What are you talking about?
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179. This money is our ticket
to the good life, starting now.
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180. I just bought a giant room
full of gold coins,
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181. and I'm going to dive into it
like Scrooge McDuck.
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182. Aah! It's not a liquid!
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183. It's a great many pieces
of solid matter
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184. that form a hard,
floor-like surface!
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185. Aah!
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186. Peter, what are you
doing here?
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187. Shouldn't you
be at work?
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188. I quit my job, Lois.
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189. You what?
Yeah, we're rich now.
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190. I don't need to be working.
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191. Ah, you should've
been there, Lois.
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192. I told Angela what she could do
with that job,
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193. just like I always fantasized.
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194. Angela, I just want
to thank you
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195. for several extremely
pleasurable years
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196. working for this
corporation.
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197. Uh, certain
unexpected developments
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198. have created
a situation
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199. where I am no longer
in need of employment.
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200. Uh, I would be
remiss, however,
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201. if I did not extend
my gratitude to you
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202. for your unwavering
fairness and belief in me,
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203. and there is a giant poo
on your desk.
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204. Hey, Horace,
another round for everybody.
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205. Gosh, Peter,
you're really
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206. being generous
with your money.
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207. Hey, what's the point
of being rich
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208. if you can't share it
with your pals, huh?
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209. Okay, wait,
I-I got one.
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210. Who would you
rather do?
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211. Susan Boyle
or a sex doll
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212. that's been passed
around a fraternity?
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213. Well, have they been
cleaning the doll?
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214. Please, these guys are Betas—
they're total animals.
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215. Hey, I got
one, Peter.
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216. What would you
rather do?
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217. Tread water where
you are right now
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218. or increase your
net worth fivefold
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219. within the next
18 months?
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220. Huh?
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221. What? I... what are you
talking about?
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222. Well, my friend Marty
is a whiz with chemistry,
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223. and he says
he's come up
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224. with a new penis
enlargement pill,
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225. and if we can bankroll him
$100,000 in start-up money,
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226. he'll triple our
investment in a year.
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227. Well, uh...
gee, I-I'm... I don't, uh...
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228. Peter, I've taken
the liberty
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229. of mocking up some
sales projections.
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230. Wow, that's pretty good.
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231. And this would be
our net profits.
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232. Yikes.
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233. You know, Peter, uh,
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234. Bonnie's birthday is coming up,
and I'll be gol-darned
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235. if I didn't go ahead and
promise her that Stevie Nicks
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236. would come to our house
and sing three songs to her.
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237. Boy, do I got a big mouth, huh?
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238. Yeah, if you're going to open
your mouth with the missus,
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239. stick to kisses, huh?
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240. What neat humor.
What neat humor.
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241. So what do say, Peter?
Can you help us out?
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242. Of course I can, you dope.
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243. We're pals, right?
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244. There you go.
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245. Hey, Horace,
give us
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246. three shots
of your best bourbon.
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247. And have that Russian waiter
I like bring it over.
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248. Boy, you wouldn't guess
from that smile
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249. that all his kids
were stillborn, huh?
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250. All right, well,
thanks again, Peter.
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251. I got to head out.
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252. I told my mother I'd visit
her in the hospital.
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253. Yeah, and I got to work.
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254. I'm flying a leg
to Minneapolis tonight.
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255. Oh.
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256. Yeah, I-I-I understand.
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257. You... you've got
other things to do.
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258. I-I just wrote you guys
a couple of checks,
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259. but no, you... you-you-you
do your things.
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260. What?
No, I mean, I-I'm just saying,
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261. I-I thought friends hang out,
do things with each other.
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262. You know,
especially when one friend
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263. gives the other friends
a whole bunch of money.
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264. Oh. Well, I guess I
could stick around.
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265. Yeah, and I-I guess
the copilot can fly the plane.
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266. She's a woman and passengers
are usually okay with that.
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267. I once saw a
deodorant commercial
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268. that had a
woman pilot.
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269. That's more like it.
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270. From now on, we're all gonna do
whatever I want to do.
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271. 'Cause I'm the one
with the dough.
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272. Okay, I guess that's fair.
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273. Good.
'Cause what I want to do is
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274. stay here, get drunk
and watch TV.
Copy !req
275. We now return to Michael
McDonald During Allergy Season.
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276. Haa...
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277. Haa-haa...
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278. Haa-haa-haa-haa-haa...
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279. Haa...
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280. Hey, Peter, you wanted me
to watch the entire first season
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281. of True Blood and come show you
where there was boob?
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282. That's right, I
don't want to see
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283. any actual True
Blood, just boob.
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284. Yeah, well, I found some.
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285. No!
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286. Anna Paquin boob does
not count as real boob!
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287. That's like looking
at a 12-year-old boy.
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288. Geez. Y-You should
know that, Joe!
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289. You should
definitely know that!
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290. Sorry, Peter.
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291. Sorry doesn't show me
nipples worth seeing!
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292. And as for you, Anna, you're
dreadful and so is the program.
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293. I didn't write it.
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294. Yeah, but you know
the people who do.
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295. That Alan Ball—
you know him, right?
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296. Yeah.
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297. How come everything
he writes
Copy !req
298. is so dreary?
I don't know.
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299. Tell him to cheer up!
Things ain't so bad!
Copy !req
300. This is a weird episode.
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301. Okay, Quagmire, I want you
to take the first bite
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302. out of this fudge pop,
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303. because that first bite
is the one that really hurts.
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304. Well, okay.
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305. Ah! Ow!
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306. Ow!
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307. Yeah, that's right "Ow."
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308. Now, you swallow that.
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309. Don't you dare spit that out.
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310. What's the
difference?
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311. You got what
you wanted.
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312. I said swallow it!
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313. Now, smear what's
left of it on your face
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314. and look at me
with your mouth open.
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315. Look at yourself,
you filthy whore.
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316. I don't even
want this now.
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317. Okay, guys, now you're gonna do
a synchronized duet
Copy !req
318. of "Makin' Whoopee" while
I shoot you with this BB gun.
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319. That doesn't
sound safe.
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320. Action!
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321. Look, you aren't gonna shoot us
in the eye, are you, Peter?
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322. Oh, no, Joe.
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323. I wouldn't try
to shoot you in the eye.
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324. Peter, it was really
close to my eye!
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325. Relax, Joe.
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326. I'm nowhere near your eye.
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327. Hey, Joe, open your eye.
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328. Gotcha.
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329. What the hell, Peter?
You shot him in the eye!
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330. Keep singing, you.
And keep your chin up,
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331. so I can see your throat.
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332. No, no screw this!
You're a jerk!
Copy !req
333. Jerk? What kind of a way is that
Copy !req
334. to talk to your friend
who gives you money?
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335. Go to hell, Peter!
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336. We don't need
your money!
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337. And we don't need
friends like you!
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338. Yeah! We're out of here!
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339. Fine, go on. I don't care.
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340. I don't need you, I got money!
Copy !req
341. You know, Peter,
you used to be a great guy.
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342. But ever since
you won that lottery...
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343. Come on, Joe!
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344. this guy!
Aah!
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345. I'm here to audition
for Fiddler on the Roof.
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346. Come right in.
Copy !req
347. Peter, my God, what the
hell are you wearing?
Copy !req
348. It's a solid gold
tuxedo, Lois.
Copy !req
349. I had to fight three rappers
Copy !req
350. down at the Nonsense Store
for this.
Copy !req
351. Look, Peter, this
is not who we are.
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352. I'm worried the money
is changing this family,
Copy !req
353. and not the
way you hoped.
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354. Well, I was hoping it would make
you shut up, so you're right.
Copy !req
355. You know, I spoke to
Bonnie this morning,
Copy !req
356. and she said you haven't talked
to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.
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357. Who cares?
I don't need Quagmire.
Copy !req
358. And I certainly don't need Joe.
Copy !req
359. I got Money Joe.
Copy !req
360. That's a good one, Money Joe!
Copy !req
361. I don't like what this money
is doing to us.
Copy !req
362. It's even affecting
Brian and Stewie.
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363. I think I'm gonna
take a nap.
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364. What, here?
Yeah, I had a giant mobile
Copy !req
365. put in the sky so I can
sleep wherever I want.
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366. This is nice.
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367. I hope that bear
comes around soon.
Copy !req
368. That's sort of my fave—
Oh, look, the bear!
Copy !req
369. And it's not just them.
Copy !req
370. Chris has also been developing
some very expensive tastes.
Copy !req
371. Model glue, sir?
Copy !req
372. Well, what do
we have today?
Copy !req
373. Today we have a recent vintage
procured just this morning
Copy !req
374. from Michael's Hobby Shop.
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375. Yes, that's
very nice.
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376. Bring me my
finest rag.
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377. Your fancy rag, sir.
Copy !req
378. You are relieved
for the evening.
Copy !req
379. You don't see
poor people doing this!
Copy !req
380. Lois, don't you understand?
Copy !req
381. We don't got any of
our old problems anymore.
Copy !req
382. We don't have to worry
about paying bills,
Copy !req
383. we don't have to worry
about saving dough.
Copy !req
384. All we got to do
is enjoy ourselves.
Copy !req
385. Interested?
Copy !req
386. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
387. Peter, it's
beautiful!
Copy !req
388. Is it a blood
diamond?
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389. Ah, the bloodiest.
Copy !req
390. The two kids who found it were
forced to murder each other.
Copy !req
391. Oh, Peter,
I love it.
Copy !req
392. Hey, you want to watch a DVD
of the murder while we do it?
Copy !req
393. I already watched it
eight times,
Copy !req
394. so I know exactly
which part I want to blam at.
Copy !req
395. Chris, Meg, now that
I'm a rich father,
Copy !req
396. you will try to impress me,
and I will remain distant.
Copy !req
397. Go.
Copy !req
398. Um, say, Dad,
did I tell you
Copy !req
399. I got second place
in the yacht race?
Copy !req
400. Hmm. Sounds like
somebody's dad
Copy !req
401. is happier than
me right now.
Copy !req
402. Well, um, how about this, Dad?
Copy !req
403. The school paper is
doing a story about me.
Copy !req
404. That's because I
had it arranged.
Copy !req
405. Uh, I was thinking about
joining the Army?
Copy !req
406. No.
Copy !req
407. Meg, as a girl, your
life holds no merit.
Copy !req
408. And, Chris, try as you
may, you will never be
Copy !req
409. as good as your older
brother who died.
Copy !req
410. He was good at
sports and talking.
Copy !req
411. Now, pardon me
while I look at scrimshaw
Copy !req
412. through a magnifying glass.
Copy !req
413. Ah, brave men all.
Copy !req
414. Lost sons of New Bedford.
Copy !req
415. That's good scrimshaw.
Copy !req
416. Ah, I never thought
I'd be having high tea
Copy !req
417. at the Park Barrington
every single day.
Copy !req
418. Yes, it's nice to eat in a sea
of white faces, isn't it?
Copy !req
419. Waiter, have the chef prepare
a bucket of your finest caviar,
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420. and then give it
a helicopter tour of the city.
Copy !req
421. Very good, sir.
Copy !req
422. Very good indeed.
Copy !req
423. I hope it enjoys it as much as
that Maine lobster I ordered.
Copy !req
424. And over there is the
Rhode Island State House,
Copy !req
425. the second largest
self-supporting marble dome
Copy !req
426. in North America.
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427. Why the
am I doing this?
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428. I could've just
said I did it.
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429. Sir, about
your bill...
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430. Oh, don't worry, Carstairs,
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431. there's ample gratuity
on there for you.
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432. Nyah.
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433. Well, actually, sir, your
card has been declined.
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434. Oh, really?
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435. Well, I'm sure a brief call
to my accountant
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436. will resolve this
to our mutual satisfaction.
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437. Hello, Schnozzenstein?
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438. This is Peter Griffin.
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439. There seems to be
some issue with our credit.
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440. I told Carstairs
you'd set everything straight.
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441. What do you mean I'm broke?
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442. What about all that money
I sent to the Gayman Islands?
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443. They did what with it?
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444. No, I don't want it back!
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445. I'm gonna miss you,
Carstairs.
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446. I shall miss
you, too, sir.
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447. With no one to look after,
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448. Carstairs fell into
a deep depression
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449. from which he never emerged.
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450. He died two weeks later.
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451. Some say of a broken heart.
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452. What, sir?
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453. But that was Carstairs.
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454. I can't believe it.
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455. We lost everything.
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456. What do we do now?
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457. Well, seems like our
only hope is the lottery.
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458. Holy, we won twice and
we're right back here again.
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459. We had $150 million, and
we blew through it in a month.
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460. Yeah, but on the bright side,
if this hadn't happened,
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461. we never would've met Kyle.
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462. Hey.
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463. And that's not even Kyle.
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464. Peter, we can't
live like this.
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465. Well, what are we
supposed to do, Lois?
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466. Everything we
had is gone!
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467. We have friends, Peter.
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468. Not anymore, we don't.
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469. They're good people.
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470. They'll listen.
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471. And they'll care
what happens to us,
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472. even after everything
that's happened.
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473. You know, I'm still young
enough you can drop me
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474. at the fire station,
no questions asked.
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475. Well, well.
Look who it is.
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476. Who is it?
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477. It's me, Peter.
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478. I'm standing
right here.
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479. This is a glass eye, Peter.
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480. They had to remove
the one you shot.
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481. Oh, boy, that whole
day was a mess, huh?
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482. What happened to you, anyway?
You look terrible.
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483. Look, you guys,
I messed up bad.
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484. Winning the lottery
was the worst thing
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485. that ever happened
to me and my family.
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486. I thought being rich
would solve all my problems,
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487. but all it did was make me
forget what was important.
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488. Like who my real friends are.
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489. I don't expect
you to forgive me,
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490. but if, for some reason, you do,
you can find me
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491. in a cardboard box on the corner
of Meeting and Thayer.
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492. Peter, wait.
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493. That corner's
a bit of a hike for me.
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494. I'd rather just
come see you at home.
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495. What— where'd you get
this kind of money?
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496. The penis enlargement pill you
gave me the startup money for.
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497. It turned a pretty nice profit.
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498. I guess it's only fair
that I give you my percentage
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499. so you can get your house back.
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500. Quagmire, I don't know
what to say.
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501. Thank you.
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502. You're welcome.
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503. And if it makes you feel better,
it was money well spent.
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504. Just ask Sandra
the waitress over there.
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505. We had a great time
last night.
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506. Tough girl.
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507. Made it into work.
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508. Boy, I got to say,
it's good to be home.
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509. Yeah. Despite all
the ups and downs,
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510. things turned out for the best.
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511. I mean, really, we're no worse
off than we were before.
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512. Plus, we learned something.
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513. And you can't
put a price on that.
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514. Look, Lois, we all know
what happened.
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515. We're all depressed.
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516. All right, let's just
go to different rooms
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517. and stare blankly
out the window, saying nothing.
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