1. Nice work, Jimmy.
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2. What whippoorwill will dine in you first,
my lovely?
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3. Huh?
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4. I did it!
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5. Oh, shit.
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6. Fight! Fight!
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7. Yeah, you got this!
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8. Fucking coward with your sucker punches!
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9. What are you waiting for?
Kick his ass, Jimmy!
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10. Shut up, Dad!
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11. Get him, Bill!
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12. My asthma!
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13. Leave my brother alone!
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14. That's it, that's enough!
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15. What a fucking pussy!
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16. You had to have
your little sister fight for you?
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17. I didn't ask her to help!
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18. What a wimp!
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19. He's a pussy!
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20. Pussy! Pussy!
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21. Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!
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22. Mr. Murphy,
you have a date with the principal.
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23. Oh! Bill's dating Mr. Stoger!
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24. - Why don't you marry him?
- Yeah, and then have a baby with him!
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25. This isn't over.
I'm coming for you, Murphy!
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26. What are you moping around for?
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27. Well, I—
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28. Did your mom say when she was coming back?
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29. No. She had to deliver some Plast-A-Ware
over in Ryetown.
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30. Ah, Christ, TV dinners again.
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31. Um, Dad?
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32. Unbelievable! It's on again.
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33. - How...
- Does Mohican have the best comfort?
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34. - How...
- Has Mohican been named
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35. "Top Great Lakes Region Airline"
four years running?
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36. - How...
- No, Chief Feathercorn,
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37. the question isn't "how," but "when."
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38. When will you fly Mohican?
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39. Your comfort is our "chief" concern.
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40. - Blanket?
- No!
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41. That's disgusting.
You know how offensive that is?
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42. Christ, they got money for a fancy ad,
but none for their workers.
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43. You know what I mean? What kind
of signal does that send to the union?
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44. - Well, uh—
- I'll tell you what kind of signal.
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45. It's a giant "fuck you"
to anyone who packs a lunch!
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46. Uh-huh.
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47. And the timing couldn't be any worse
with the contract talks starting tomorrow.
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48. Christ, we're looking at a strike here.
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49. Now goddamn Pogo will want me
to calm down the union guys
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50. while he shoves another fruit pie
down his fucking cake hole!
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51. Meanwhile, my wife
is traipsing around Ryetown
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52. selling that plastic shit
to pill-popping housewives
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53. - and I don't get supper till—
- Hey.
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54. - Oh, there you are!
- Oh.
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55. Sorry I'm late.
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56. Vivian sent me to deal
with that customer in Ryetown, Julie,
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57. - for the third time this week.
- Anyway...
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58. She needed two dozen butter tubs.
That's all she ever orders is butter tubs.
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59. And she's always complaining
about the stackability.
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60. Like that's my fault, right?
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61. Oh, yeah. It's a jungle out there.
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62. Anyway, Mommy's home.
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63. I'll make dinner.
Salisbury Steak or Pork Medley?
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64. - Oh, not that shit again.
- What was that?
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65. Yummy! Yummy.
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66. Kevin Murphy's first original song.
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67. One take. Nailed it.
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68. What's his problem?
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69. He got in a fight with Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
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70. And I would've won if you didn't jump in!
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71. You got saved by a girl?
You pussy.
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72. I am sick of everybody calling me a pussy!
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73. Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended
and get him to sign this.
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74. He's gonna kill me.
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75. Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself?
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76. Have I taught you nothing?
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77. They never check those things.
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78. Just forge Dad's name
and take the day off.
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79. Easy for you to say,
you've never been suspended.
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80. I've been suspended 37 times.
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81. The system is a joke.
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82. They suspend me
'cause I'm a piece of shit,
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83. then they give me a paper
saying I'm said piece of shit
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84. and I'm supposed to get my parents
to sign it?
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85. Why the fuck would I do that?
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86. I'm a piece of shit!
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87. For the life of me, I don't know why
they don't just call the house.
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88. But until then...
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89. Here. Enjoy your day.
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90. Your mom's home from work. Supper time.
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91. What are we having?
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92. More free food.
What are you bitching about?
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93. Such a dick.
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94. You're in trouble.
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95. You better not
tell Mom and Dad about this.
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96. Give me a dollar.
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97. Ah. Goddamn it, that's good.
That is delicious steak.
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98. - It's pork.
- Pork, even better!
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99. I'll tell you, that would cost you
ten bucks in a restaurant.
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100. Look at us, eating off a silver platter
like astronauts.
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101. Wasn't this good, kids? Huh?
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102. - Frozen in the middle.
- Hey, hey, hey!
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103. Your mother worked hard all day.
This was a good meal, all right?
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104. Christ, there's starving kids in Africa
fighting off wildebeests
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105. who would kill for a medley of pork.
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106. I mean, those kids would eat each other.
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107. Thank you.
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108. All right, take your plates—
trays to the trash.
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109. And don't throw away your forks.
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110. Bill, would you be so kind
as to remove my tray from the table?
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111. What's going on with those two?
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112. His sister's got him
doing housework for her.
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113. I swear to God, that boy's balls
need to drop. Don't smirk.
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114. I wasn't smirking!
This is how I always look.
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115. I got band practice at Bolo's.
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116. Gonna escape to a mystical realm
far from here.
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117. Hey, tonight's the night we both agreed
you'd start being nicer to him.
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118. I know, I know, but it's just so hard,
I swear to God.
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119. Remember the test you took?
"Are You An Abusive Parent?"
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120. Ah, you know what?
These fucking hippies...
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121. Christ, they're running around naked,
soiling each other.
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122. You're gonna tell me
how to be a good parent?
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123. Jesus Christ. Why don't you
put some goddamn clothes on?
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124. Wha— Frank, focus.
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125. When Kevin comes back,
we are trying our new approach, OK?
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126. I need you to back me up on this.
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127. Right, right. OK. Yes.
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128. - Kevin—
- I didn't do anything.
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129. Kevin, we know you've been working
extra hard in school and it paid off.
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130. Son, you got a "C" in History!
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131. Yes! I knew I could excel.
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132. Um... It's very good. We're proud of you.
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133. And to reward you,
we are getting you tickets
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134. to see your favorite band this weekend.
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135. Shire of Frodo?
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136. Yes! What?
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137. How'd you get tickets for that?
It's been sold out for weeks.
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138. Oh, it is?
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139. Frank, you have
some friends in your union
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140. that might have some connections,
don't you?
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141. Yeah, I do, but, uh, there's a lot
of tension between both sides right now—
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142. They'd do anything for you.
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143. Kevin, consider it done.
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144. Your father is taking you to that concert.
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145. Uh, yeah. I will.
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146. - Wow, thanks. That's really cool.
- Good job.
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147. Well, get used to it. There's more
brilliance where that came from.
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148. That was the garage.
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149. Oh, wow, a whole day off
to do whatever you want.
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150. - What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
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151. I got seven hours to kill.
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152. I can't go home
and I don't have any money.
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153. I guess eat my lunch,
poop at the bowling alley, and then wait.
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154. I'm so jealous!
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155. Enjoy your day!
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156. - Give me your sandwich.
- No.
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157. Ooh, this is fun.
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158. I hereby convene the first bargaining
session between Mohican Airways
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159. and the International Brotherhood
of Baggage Handlers, Skycaps,
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160. Roadies and... Circus Roustabouts.
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161. Are we ready to proceed?
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162. Frank Murphy, representing Mohican,
along with Senior Vice President Bob—
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163. Get this fucking show going!
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164. I think we're ready.
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165. The opening statement
will be given by the union's president,
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166. Louis "Snub-Nosed Louie" Gagliardi.
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167. Thank you for agreeing to meet
on the neutral territory
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168. of Captain Chucklecrust's
Family Fun Time Pizza Palace.
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169. Which, as of 3:30 a.m.,
the union happens to be the new owner of,
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170. and which, I am pleased to announce,
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171. will become the finest adult cabaret
in the general airport district.
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172. The Robot Bear Band will remain,
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173. but now they'll be doing sex stuff
with each other.
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174. - I now cede the floor to my shop steward.
- Thank you.
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175. We have four days to reach a contract,
and our union will bargain in good faith.
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176. But we will not be pushed around.
We will fight for our dignity!
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177. Like Dr. King, we too have a dream!
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178. Well said.
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179. You've asked for an increase in your wage.
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180. Our CEO, Mr. Dunbarton,
has instructed me to make this offer,
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181. which I hope you'll seriously consider.
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182. Here's your counter.
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183. Great work, Sue. Just great.
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184. Hey, thanks. Thank you.
It was a tough week, but it's—
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185. Yeah, I still need you
to run some butter tubs
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186. out to Ryetown for Julie today.
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187. Oh, no, no, no,
I just saw her yesterday.
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188. I know. She's a pack rat.
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189. Good for business.
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190. Can you do that for me?
Is it convenient for you?
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191. Thanks.
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192. No, it's not convenient for me.
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193. But you don't care, do you?
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194. You bossy bitch!
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195. It's true we've proposed eliminating
a small number of baggage handler jobs,
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196. but that's because automation is coming
whether we like it or not.
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197. And we must embrace innovation.
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198. Take this pizza, for instance.
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199. Why does the cheese stop at the crust?
I like the crust.
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200. But it's so much fun getting to the crust.
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201. Why does the fun have to stop?
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202. If there was some way to inject cheese—
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203. What the fuck are you talking about?
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204. Damn it, there's real issues
that need to be addressed here!
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205. Overtime, vacation pay.
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206. Parade Day should be counted
as a working day!
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207. Uh, that's a circus thing.
OK, how about this for a compromise?
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208. We increase the wage by a dollar an hour
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209. in exchange for you accepting
one less paid sick day.
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210. - Over my dead body.
- Over his dead body.
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211. Shut up, Frank.
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212. I'm just trying to do my job.
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213. Your job was to make sure these donkeys
never even got to the bargaining table.
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214. Who you calling "donkey," honkey?
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215. All these guys are saying—
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216. You don't speak for us, you traitor!
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217. I'm just trying to help here!
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218. We are not playing games, Bob.
We will walk out on Christmas Day.
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219. You do that and we're all out of a job!
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220. Let's all have a pizza party,
boys and girls!
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221. Will somebody shut
that motherfucking thing up?
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222. We were told the robot bears
would be turned off!
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223. OK, everybody, calm down! Calm down!
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224. You saw nothing.
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225. OK. Well, I think that's a good place
to stop for the day.
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226. What happened in there?
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227. I didn't see anything!
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228. - Sue.
- Oh. Hey, honey. You all right?
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229. No. I'm not all right.
Contract talks are a disaster.
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230. They're falling apart on me.
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231. Oh, that's terrible.
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232. Were you able
to get the tickets for Kevin?
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233. What? No!
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234. Jesus Christ, I can't ask the union guys
for them now. They hate me.
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235. But we made a promise to Kevin.
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236. Look, I can't get 'em! All right?
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237. What the hell kind of shit band
has only sold out shows anyway?
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238. Honey, I swear to you, if there was any
other way to get them, I would, all right?
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239. All right, I guess we'll have
to tell Kevin we couldn't get the tickets.
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240. Oh, he's gonna be crushed.
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241. Ah, shit.
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242. Hey, Frank. Look at you, living it up,
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243. having a pizza party
in the middle of the day!
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244. Honey, I think I have an idea.
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245. Vic, uh...
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246. Do you still work at the radio station?
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247. I wouldn't call it "work,"
but they pay me a lot of money.
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248. Oh, boy.
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249. Vic, uh... I'm gonna need
to ask you for a favor.
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250. Come on, Mom. Can't you just leave?
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251. Food!
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252. Aren't you cold, Vic?
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253. Nah, man, I got a good buzz going.
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254. Here we are.
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255. My little slice of rock 'n' roll heaven.
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256. Ever tell you how I got the job?
Quite the tale.
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257. Hey, who touched my ass?
Was that you, Sasha, sugar?
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258. I was listening to the station
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259. and I thought,
"Man, I want to be a radio man."
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260. So I walk in and I go,
"I like the way you sound."
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261. And they go,
"I like the way you look."
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262. Been here ever since.
Isn't that how it works, Frank-o?
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263. It's like a... Ah...
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264. What do you call that
yoga-karate thing?
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265. It's like that kind of feeling you get
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266. when you have a dragon on your shirt,
you know what I mean?
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267. Not now, babe.
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268. OK. The station's promoting the show,
so I know the tickets are here somewhere.
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269. Tickets, tickets...
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270. Don't you hate it when things
get lost in your money drawer?
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271. Looks like I need to buy another boat,
you know what I'm saying, Frank?
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272. I never know what you're saying, Vic.
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273. You checking that out?
That's Dick Van Dyke, Dick Van Patten,
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274. and that's my big ol' dick.
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275. Crazy.
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276. We raised a lot of money
for Jerry's Kids at that picnic.
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277. Blama-jama! Look at that.
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278. There's five of 'em.
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279. That way, you can take Kevin's pals
and you and Suzy Q.
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280. That's a name I just made up
for your wife.
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281. - Enjoy the show, buddy.
- Thank you, Vic.
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282. - What's that?
- I said thank you, Vic!
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283. You gotta work on that modulation,
brother.
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284. Listen, you rock on tonight.
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285. And I mean rock on.
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286. Total retail price
of your grand-prize package: $314.16!
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287. One more hour and I'm in the clear.
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288. Bill Murphy with the puck.
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289. He shoots, he scores!
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290. Oh! Oh...
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291. Of course.
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292. Why would I ever get a moment to myself?
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293. Hey, Frank, up here!
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294. I need to brush my teeth.
I just had to eat a shit sandwich.
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295. Ah, you got the tickets!
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296. Yep. The concert's tonight,
by the way. Did you know that?
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297. - I guess. What's the big deal?
- It's Colt Luger night!
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298. This is the big one.
It might be the end for Colt!
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299. Oh, for God's sake, Frank,
it's just a TV show.
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300. It may just be a show, it's the only
thing in my life that doesn't disappoint.
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301. Don't start in on me, Frank.
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302. I have had a hard enough day as it is.
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303. Oh, well, welcome to the working world,
"Ms." Murphy.
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304. Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes, everybody!
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305. Here comes what? Here comes what?
What, the truth?
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306. Oh, I knew you wouldn't support me.
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307. I'm getting a hernia supporting you,
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308. but this part-time job
is outta control.
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309. You're not paying enough attention
to your family.
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310. Well, at least I'm not screaming at it.
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311. Ah, it's called having emotions, Susan!
All right? Christ, you're ice cold!
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312. Like those fucking TV dinners
we've been eating every night!
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313. I haven't had a decent meal
in weeks, OK?
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314. Today was probably
the worst day of my life,
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315. we're probably gonna have a strike,
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316. which means the whole company
goes down at Christmas!
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317. And I had to kiss Vic's ass,
that fucking gigolo,
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318. to get tickets for our son who we now have
to treat like a fucking dainty snowflake!
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319. You know why we do that. You know why.
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320. Oh, God, are you really
gonna bring that up again?
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321. Kevin was only down there
for two minutes!
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322. Two minutes, Frank,
at the bottom of a motel swimming pool!
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323. OK, agreed, two minutes without oxygen
is not ideal!
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324. But you gotta understand,
toddlers are resilient!
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325. Christ, they lose an arm in the womb,
it grows right back!
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326. What the hell are you talking about?
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327. I'm talking ab—
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328. Look, just because you drown a little bit
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329. doesn't give you an excuse
to be an asshole
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330. for the rest of your fucking life!
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331. He's trying! He's really trying!
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332. And you wouldn't notice
'cause you're too busy riding him!
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333. And you never discipline Bill, do you?
It's never Bill! It's always Kevin!
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334. That's because Bill's a little pussy!
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335. Christ, he falls apart
if you just look at him, all right?
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336. He's got no spine!
You gotta rub his back during war movies!
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337. He's scared of everything! Gee, I wonder
where he got that from, Susan!
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338. What do you mean? He gets it from me?
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339. You coddle him too much
and you know it. You know it!
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340. I work hard to keep this family happy!
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341. I keep everyone,
everyone from killing each other!
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342. Well, today I would actually welcome it!
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343. You are a horrible, rotten human being.
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344. And you're losing your hair.
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345. OK. OK, OK.
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346. - Relax, I pushed you too far.
- I'm sorry.
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347. I shouldn't have said that, OK?
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348. Just sit down. Come on. Sit down.
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349. Do that again.
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350. - I hate you.
- I know.
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351. Come here. Yeah.
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352. Oh, baby.
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353. - Oh, Susan.
- Yeah?
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354. Yeah, let's do this.
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355. Yeah, come on, get that off.
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356. - Can you take my socks off?
- Yeah, come on.
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357. Leave one on. Leave one on.
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358. - Yeah?
- Yeah, I like that.
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359. Oh, Frank.
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360. Oh, yeah, touch it!
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361. - Yeah, you like that?
- Yeah!
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362. - You like that?
- Yeah!
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363. Oh, yeah!
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364. - Oh, here we go, baby!
- Frank!
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365. - Yeah!
- Frank! Oh, God!
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366. Oh, Sue!
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367. - Oh, Sue! Oh, Sue! Yeah!
- Oh, baby!
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368. From thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, amen.
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369. Amen.
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370. Wow. Somebody's hungry tonight.
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371. Oh, yeah.
I had a hell of a workout before supper.
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372. - Shit! Jesus!
- Oh, my God!
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373. Oh, so nice to see you, Craig, Lawrence.
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374. - You, too.
- Hey, Mrs. Murphy.
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375. We're gonna go in just a sec.
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376. Hey, Kevin, the Frodo bus is leaving!
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377. Mom! So embarrassing!
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378. Hey, little man.
You up for being in charge tonight?
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379. - Yes.
- Damn right.
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380. I know you'll do good,
'cause you're a Murphy man.
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381. You're tough as nails.
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382. Whatever you say.
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383. - Who are you?
- I'm the Queen's Alchemist
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384. from the Journey Down The River Faedra
album cover.
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385. Whatever you say, Count Chocula.
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386. All right, let's hit the road!
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387. Get that, Bill, will ya?
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388. Oh, and watch Colt Luger for me!
I want to know what happens!
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389. Well, well, well.
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390. The great Colt Luger
is in my little church.
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391. I never would've thought the kindly
preacher of Harlem Hill Heights
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392. was an international drug dealer.
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393. The Lord works in mysterious ways,
but I don't.
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394. - Lick these batteries.
- No.
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395. Billy, you better do what I say or
I tell Mom and Dad about your suspension.
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396. Tell 'em. See if I care.
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397. I'm not afraid of you, Sickle.
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398. Come on. Do what I say, you pussy!
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399. I am not a pussy!
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400. I hate you! I hate this whole family!
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401. Shut up!
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402. Where are you going?
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403. Heya, Billy.
Filled with rage at something?
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404. Come back here, you're going crazy!
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405. Are you ready for
the best rock and roll band in the world?
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406. Yeah! Yeah!
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407. I said, are you ready for the best
rock and roll band in the world?
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408. Me, too!
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409. But first, Shire of Frodo.
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410. S.O.F. rules!
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411. Long ago, in a mystical realm
known as Forest-veld,
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412. lived a tribe of gnomes
known as the Wonderfolk.
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413. Chief among them
was the Elfin King Beladri—
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414. Who the fuck threw that?
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415. What are you doing?
You're not even giving them a chance!
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416. No more throwing shite. Right?
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417. The next one of you Yankee cunts
who throws a feckin—
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418. Billy, I'm sorry! Just come home!
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419. Leave me alone!
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420. This is pure bullshit!
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421. They didn't even start the song!
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422. Now, are you ready to rock?
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423. Ladies and gentlemen,
from West Hamptonton England,
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424. please welcome Lifted Riffs!
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425. Does anyone here know
how to lick my pickle?
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426. I knew it!
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427. Come out and fight me, Jimmy!
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428. - Let's go!
- Billy?
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429. Get outta here. I don't need your help!
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430. Are you in there?
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431. Come and get me, Jimmy!
Where are you?
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432. I shall call you "Peppino."
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433. I'm right here, Jimmy!
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434. Let's finish this, Jimmy!
Once and for all!
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435. Where are you?
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436. - Ugh! These guys are dildos!
- Yeah, but the chicks seem to dig them.
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437. Oh, come on. We're going.
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438. We'll catch up with you.
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439. Come and get me!
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440. Ow!
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441. Uh-oh.
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442. Could we go, please?
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443. Just a minute.
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444. Has everyone gone insane?
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445. My fortress!
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446. Peppino!
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447. Thanks for the tickets.
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448. Even if they only played
the intro to the interlude to one song,
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449. it was still pretty cool of you
to take me.
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450. Eh, we're not assholes all the time.
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451. What got into you guys tonight?
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452. You're all, like, happy.
It's freaking me out.
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453. Oh, that's one of ours, Kevin.
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454. Did I ever tell you
I wanted to be a pilot?
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455. I even got accepted to flight school.
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456. - He did.
- Cool. Why didn't you go?
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457. I met your mom, and then, uh,
you came along.
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458. Plans changed
and we started a family instead.
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459. We've had our ups and downs,
sometimes we haven't gotten along,
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460. but it's moments like this when I know
I wouldn't trade what I have right now—
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461. Fuck!
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462. Oh, my God.
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463. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
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464. I need you to sign this.
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465. And then Luger man shot the Africa man
with the hook. He got killed-ed.
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466. Then Luger man, he made a baby
with the lady who looks like my mom.
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467. Thanks, sport.
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468. And then he laid down on top of her,
and they wrassled. I think he won.
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469. But he was making noises
like he was losing.
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470. And then a man on a surfboard asked me
if I was tired of the same old toothpaste.
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471. Then a talking dog told me
to help stomp out childhood rickets,
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472. and then Luger man came back and he said,
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473. "Here's scenes from next week."
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474. They showed them scenes.
They was pretty good.
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475. In one of 'em,
he was punching a lady-man.
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476. Then a suit-wearing man came on to say
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477. there was a big fire
in the woods somewheres
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478. and that there'd be film of it at 11.
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479. That film was pretty good.
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