F is for Family: Season 1, Episode 5

1. Nice work, Jimmy.

2. What whippoorwill will dine in you first, my lovely?

3. Huh?

4. I did it!

5. Oh, shit.

6. Fight! Fight!

7. Yeah, you got this!

8. Fucking coward with your sucker punches!

9. What are you waiting for? Kick his ass, Jimmy!

10. Shut up, Dad!

11. Get him, Bill!

12. My asthma!

13. Leave my brother alone!

14. That's it, that's enough!

15. What a fucking pussy!

16. You had to have your little sister fight for you?

17. I didn't ask her to help!

18. What a wimp!

19. He's a pussy!

20. Pussy! Pussy!

21. Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

22. Mr. Murphy, you have a date with the principal.

23. Oh! Bill's dating Mr. Stoger!

24. - Why don't you marry him? - Yeah, and then have a baby with him!

25. This isn't over. I'm coming for you, Murphy!

26. What are you moping around for?

27. Well, I—

28. Did your mom say when she was coming back?

29. No. She had to deliver some Plast-A-Ware over in Ryetown.

30. Ah, Christ, TV dinners again.

31. Um, Dad?

32. Unbelievable! It's on again.

33. - How... - Does Mohican have the best comfort?

34. - How... - Has Mohican been named

35. "Top Great Lakes Region Airline" four years running?

36. - How... - No, Chief Feathercorn,

37. the question isn't "how," but "when."

38. When will you fly Mohican?

39. Your comfort is our "chief" concern.

40. - Blanket? - No!

41. That's disgusting. You know how offensive that is?

42. Christ, they got money for a fancy ad, but none for their workers.

43. You know what I mean? What kind of signal does that send to the union?

44. - Well, uh— - I'll tell you what kind of signal.

45. It's a giant "fuck you" to anyone who packs a lunch!

46. Uh-huh.

47. And the timing couldn't be any worse with the contract talks starting tomorrow.

48. Christ, we're looking at a strike here.

49. Now goddamn Pogo will want me to calm down the union guys

50. while he shoves another fruit pie down his fucking cake hole!

51. Meanwhile, my wife is traipsing around Ryetown

52. selling that plastic shit to pill-popping housewives

53. - and I don't get supper till— - Hey.

54. - Oh, there you are! - Oh.

55. Sorry I'm late.

56. Vivian sent me to deal with that customer in Ryetown, Julie,

57. - for the third time this week. - Anyway...

58. She needed two dozen butter tubs. That's all she ever orders is butter tubs.

59. And she's always complaining about the stackability.

60. Like that's my fault, right?

61. Oh, yeah. It's a jungle out there.

62. Anyway, Mommy's home.

63. I'll make dinner. Salisbury Steak or Pork Medley?

64. - Oh, not that shit again. - What was that?

65. Yummy! Yummy.

66. Kevin Murphy's first original song.

67. One take. Nailed it.

68. What's his problem?

69. He got in a fight with Jimmy Fitzsimmons.

70. And I would've won if you didn't jump in!

71. You got saved by a girl? You pussy.

72. I am sick of everybody calling me a pussy!

73. Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this.

74. He's gonna kill me.

75. Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself?

76. Have I taught you nothing?

77. They never check those things.

78. Just forge Dad's name and take the day off.

79. Easy for you to say, you've never been suspended.

80. I've been suspended 37 times.

81. The system is a joke.

82. They suspend me 'cause I'm a piece of shit,

83. then they give me a paper saying I'm said piece of shit

84. and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it?

85. Why the fuck would I do that?

86. I'm a piece of shit!

87. For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

88. But until then...

89. Here. Enjoy your day.

90. Your mom's home from work. Supper time.

91. What are we having?

92. More free food. What are you bitching about?

93. Such a dick.

94. You're in trouble.

95. You better not tell Mom and Dad about this.

96. Give me a dollar.

97. Ah. Goddamn it, that's good. That is delicious steak.

98. - It's pork. - Pork, even better!

99. I'll tell you, that would cost you ten bucks in a restaurant.

100. Look at us, eating off a silver platter like astronauts.

101. Wasn't this good, kids? Huh?

102. - Frozen in the middle. - Hey, hey, hey!

103. Your mother worked hard all day. This was a good meal, all right?

104. Christ, there's starving kids in Africa fighting off wildebeests

105. who would kill for a medley of pork.

106. I mean, those kids would eat each other.

107. Thank you.

108. All right, take your plates— trays to the trash.

109. And don't throw away your forks.

110. Bill, would you be so kind as to remove my tray from the table?

111. What's going on with those two?

112. His sister's got him doing housework for her.

113. I swear to God, that boy's balls need to drop. Don't smirk.

114. I wasn't smirking! This is how I always look.

115. I got band practice at Bolo's.

116. Gonna escape to a mystical realm far from here.

117. Hey, tonight's the night we both agreed you'd start being nicer to him.

118. I know, I know, but it's just so hard, I swear to God.

119. Remember the test you took? "Are You An Abusive Parent?"

120. Ah, you know what? These fucking hippies...

121. Christ, they're running around naked, soiling each other.

122. You're gonna tell me how to be a good parent?

123. Jesus Christ. Why don't you put some goddamn clothes on?

124. Wha— Frank, focus.

125. When Kevin comes back, we are trying our new approach, OK?

126. I need you to back me up on this.

127. Right, right. OK. Yes.

128. - Kevin— - I didn't do anything.

129. Kevin, we know you've been working extra hard in school and it paid off.

130. Son, you got a "C" in History!

131. Yes! I knew I could excel.

132. Um... It's very good. We're proud of you.

133. And to reward you, we are getting you tickets

134. to see your favorite band this weekend.

135. Shire of Frodo?

136. Yes! What?

137. How'd you get tickets for that? It's been sold out for weeks.

138. Oh, it is?

139. Frank, you have some friends in your union

140. that might have some connections, don't you?

141. Yeah, I do, but, uh, there's a lot of tension between both sides right now—

142. They'd do anything for you.

143. Kevin, consider it done.

144. Your father is taking you to that concert.

145. Uh, yeah. I will.

146. - Wow, thanks. That's really cool. - Good job.

147. Well, get used to it. There's more brilliance where that came from.

148. That was the garage.

149. Oh, wow, a whole day off to do whatever you want.

150. - What are you gonna do? - I don't know.

151. I got seven hours to kill.

152. I can't go home and I don't have any money.

153. I guess eat my lunch, poop at the bowling alley, and then wait.

154. I'm so jealous!

155. Enjoy your day!

156. - Give me your sandwich. - No.

157. Ooh, this is fun.

158. I hereby convene the first bargaining session between Mohican Airways

159. and the International Brotherhood of Baggage Handlers, Skycaps,

160. Roadies and... Circus Roustabouts.

161. Are we ready to proceed?

162. Frank Murphy, representing Mohican, along with Senior Vice President Bob—

163. Get this fucking show going!

164. I think we're ready.

165. The opening statement will be given by the union's president,

166. Louis "Snub-Nosed Louie" Gagliardi.

167. Thank you for agreeing to meet on the neutral territory

168. of Captain Chucklecrust's Family Fun Time Pizza Palace.

169. Which, as of 3:30 a.m., the union happens to be the new owner of,

170. and which, I am pleased to announce,

171. will become the finest adult cabaret in the general airport district.

172. The Robot Bear Band will remain,

173. but now they'll be doing sex stuff with each other.

174. - I now cede the floor to my shop steward. - Thank you.

175. We have four days to reach a contract, and our union will bargain in good faith.

176. But we will not be pushed around. We will fight for our dignity!

177. Like Dr. King, we too have a dream!

178. Well said.

179. You've asked for an increase in your wage.

180. Our CEO, Mr. Dunbarton, has instructed me to make this offer,

181. which I hope you'll seriously consider.

182. Here's your counter.

183. Great work, Sue. Just great.

184. Hey, thanks. Thank you. It was a tough week, but it's—

185. Yeah, I still need you to run some butter tubs

186. out to Ryetown for Julie today.

187. Oh, no, no, no, I just saw her yesterday.

188. I know. She's a pack rat.

189. Good for business.

190. Can you do that for me? Is it convenient for you?

191. Thanks.

192. No, it's not convenient for me.

193. But you don't care, do you?

194. You bossy bitch!

195. It's true we've proposed eliminating a small number of baggage handler jobs,

196. but that's because automation is coming whether we like it or not.

197. And we must embrace innovation.

198. Take this pizza, for instance.

199. Why does the cheese stop at the crust? I like the crust.

200. But it's so much fun getting to the crust.

201. Why does the fun have to stop?

202. If there was some way to inject cheese—

203. What the fuck are you talking about?

204. Damn it, there's real issues that need to be addressed here!

205. Overtime, vacation pay.

206. Parade Day should be counted as a working day!

207. Uh, that's a circus thing. OK, how about this for a compromise?

208. We increase the wage by a dollar an hour

209. in exchange for you accepting one less paid sick day.

210. - Over my dead body. - Over his dead body.

211. Shut up, Frank.

212. I'm just trying to do my job.

213. Your job was to make sure these donkeys never even got to the bargaining table.

214. Who you calling "donkey," honkey?

215. All these guys are saying—

216. You don't speak for us, you traitor!

217. I'm just trying to help here!

218. We are not playing games, Bob. We will walk out on Christmas Day.

219. You do that and we're all out of a job!

220. Let's all have a pizza party, boys and girls!

221. Will somebody shut that motherfucking thing up?

222. We were told the robot bears would be turned off!

223. OK, everybody, calm down! Calm down!

224. You saw nothing.

225. OK. Well, I think that's a good place to stop for the day.

226. What happened in there?

227. I didn't see anything!

228. - Sue. - Oh. Hey, honey. You all right?

229. No. I'm not all right. Contract talks are a disaster.

230. They're falling apart on me.

231. Oh, that's terrible.

232. Were you able to get the tickets for Kevin?

233. What? No!

234. Jesus Christ, I can't ask the union guys for them now. They hate me.

235. But we made a promise to Kevin.

236. Look, I can't get 'em! All right?

237. What the hell kind of shit band has only sold out shows anyway?

238. Honey, I swear to you, if there was any other way to get them, I would, all right?

239. All right, I guess we'll have to tell Kevin we couldn't get the tickets.

240. Oh, he's gonna be crushed.

241. Ah, shit.

242. Hey, Frank. Look at you, living it up,

243. having a pizza party in the middle of the day!

244. Honey, I think I have an idea.

245. Vic, uh...

246. Do you still work at the radio station?

247. I wouldn't call it "work," but they pay me a lot of money.

248. Oh, boy.

249. Vic, uh... I'm gonna need to ask you for a favor.

250. Come on, Mom. Can't you just leave?

251. Food!

252. Aren't you cold, Vic?

253. Nah, man, I got a good buzz going.

254. Here we are.

255. My little slice of rock 'n' roll heaven.

256. Ever tell you how I got the job? Quite the tale.

257. Hey, who touched my ass? Was that you, Sasha, sugar?

258. I was listening to the station

259. and I thought, "Man, I want to be a radio man."

260. So I walk in and I go, "I like the way you sound."

261. And they go, "I like the way you look."

262. Been here ever since. Isn't that how it works, Frank-o?

263. It's like a... Ah...

264. What do you call that yoga-karate thing?

265. It's like that kind of feeling you get

266. when you have a dragon on your shirt, you know what I mean?

267. Not now, babe.

268. OK. The station's promoting the show, so I know the tickets are here somewhere.

269. Tickets, tickets...

270. Don't you hate it when things get lost in your money drawer?

271. Looks like I need to buy another boat, you know what I'm saying, Frank?

272. I never know what you're saying, Vic.

273. You checking that out? That's Dick Van Dyke, Dick Van Patten,

274. and that's my big ol' dick.

275. Crazy.

276. We raised a lot of money for Jerry's Kids at that picnic.

277. Blama-jama! Look at that.

278. There's five of 'em.

279. That way, you can take Kevin's pals and you and Suzy Q.

280. That's a name I just made up for your wife.

281. - Enjoy the show, buddy. - Thank you, Vic.

282. - What's that? - I said thank you, Vic!

283. You gotta work on that modulation, brother.

284. Listen, you rock on tonight.

285. And I mean rock on.

286. Total retail price of your grand-prize package: $314.16!

287. One more hour and I'm in the clear.

288. Bill Murphy with the puck.

289. He shoots, he scores!

290. Oh! Oh...

291. Of course.

292. Why would I ever get a moment to myself?

293. Hey, Frank, up here!

294. I need to brush my teeth. I just had to eat a shit sandwich.

295. Ah, you got the tickets!

296. Yep. The concert's tonight, by the way. Did you know that?

297. - I guess. What's the big deal? - It's Colt Luger night!

298. This is the big one. It might be the end for Colt!

299. Oh, for God's sake, Frank, it's just a TV show.

300. It may just be a show, it's the only thing in my life that doesn't disappoint.

301. Don't start in on me, Frank.

302. I have had a hard enough day as it is.

303. Oh, well, welcome to the working world, "Ms." Murphy.

304. Oh, here it comes. Here it comes, everybody!

305. Here comes what? Here comes what? What, the truth?

306. Oh, I knew you wouldn't support me.

307. I'm getting a hernia supporting you,

308. but this part-time job is outta control.

309. You're not paying enough attention to your family.

310. Well, at least I'm not screaming at it.

311. Ah, it's called having emotions, Susan! All right? Christ, you're ice cold!

312. Like those fucking TV dinners we've been eating every night!

313. I haven't had a decent meal in weeks, OK?

314. Today was probably the worst day of my life,

315. we're probably gonna have a strike,

316. which means the whole company goes down at Christmas!

317. And I had to kiss Vic's ass, that fucking gigolo,

318. to get tickets for our son who we now have to treat like a fucking dainty snowflake!

319. You know why we do that. You know why.

320. Oh, God, are you really gonna bring that up again?

321. Kevin was only down there for two minutes!

322. Two minutes, Frank, at the bottom of a motel swimming pool!

323. OK, agreed, two minutes without oxygen is not ideal!

324. But you gotta understand, toddlers are resilient!

325. Christ, they lose an arm in the womb, it grows right back!

326. What the hell are you talking about?

327. I'm talking ab—

328. Look, just because you drown a little bit

329. doesn't give you an excuse to be an asshole

330. for the rest of your fucking life!

331. He's trying! He's really trying!

332. And you wouldn't notice 'cause you're too busy riding him!

333. And you never discipline Bill, do you? It's never Bill! It's always Kevin!

334. That's because Bill's a little pussy!

335. Christ, he falls apart if you just look at him, all right?

336. He's got no spine! You gotta rub his back during war movies!

337. He's scared of everything! Gee, I wonder where he got that from, Susan!

338. What do you mean? He gets it from me?

339. You coddle him too much and you know it. You know it!

340. I work hard to keep this family happy!

341. I keep everyone, everyone from killing each other!

342. Well, today I would actually welcome it!

343. You are a horrible, rotten human being.

344. And you're losing your hair.

345. OK. OK, OK.

346. - Relax, I pushed you too far. - I'm sorry.

347. I shouldn't have said that, OK?

348. Just sit down. Come on. Sit down.

349. Do that again.

350. - I hate you. - I know.

351. Come here. Yeah.

352. Oh, baby.

353. - Oh, Susan. - Yeah?

354. Yeah, let's do this.

355. Yeah, come on, get that off.

356. - Can you take my socks off? - Yeah, come on.

357. Leave one on. Leave one on.

358. - Yeah? - Yeah, I like that.

359. Oh, Frank.

360. Oh, yeah, touch it!

361. - Yeah, you like that? - Yeah!

362. - You like that? - Yeah!

363. Oh, yeah!

364. - Oh, here we go, baby! - Frank!

365. - Yeah! - Frank! Oh, God!

366. Oh, Sue!

367. - Oh, Sue! Oh, Sue! Yeah! - Oh, baby!

368. From thy bounty through Christ our Lord, amen.

369. Amen.

370. Wow. Somebody's hungry tonight.

371. Oh, yeah. I had a hell of a workout before supper.

372. - Shit! Jesus! - Oh, my God!

373. Oh, so nice to see you, Craig, Lawrence.

374. - You, too. - Hey, Mrs. Murphy.

375. We're gonna go in just a sec.

376. Hey, Kevin, the Frodo bus is leaving!

377. Mom! So embarrassing!

378. Hey, little man. You up for being in charge tonight?

379. - Yes. - Damn right.

380. I know you'll do good, 'cause you're a Murphy man.

381. You're tough as nails.

382. Whatever you say.

383. - Who are you? - I'm the Queen's Alchemist

384. from the Journey Down The River Faedra album cover.

385. Whatever you say, Count Chocula.

386. All right, let's hit the road!

387. Get that, Bill, will ya?

388. Oh, and watch Colt Luger for me! I want to know what happens!

389. Well, well, well.

390. The great Colt Luger is in my little church.

391. I never would've thought the kindly preacher of Harlem Hill Heights

392. was an international drug dealer.

393. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but I don't.

394. - Lick these batteries. - No.

395. Billy, you better do what I say or I tell Mom and Dad about your suspension.

396. Tell 'em. See if I care.

397. I'm not afraid of you, Sickle.

398. Come on. Do what I say, you pussy!

399. I am not a pussy!

400. I hate you! I hate this whole family!

401. Shut up!

402. Where are you going?

403. Heya, Billy. Filled with rage at something?

404. Come back here, you're going crazy!

405. Are you ready for the best rock and roll band in the world?

406. Yeah! Yeah!

407. I said, are you ready for the best rock and roll band in the world?

408. Me, too!

409. But first, Shire of Frodo.

410. S.O.F. rules!

411. Long ago, in a mystical realm known as Forest-veld,

412. lived a tribe of gnomes known as the Wonderfolk.

413. Chief among them was the Elfin King Beladri—

414. Who the fuck threw that?

415. What are you doing? You're not even giving them a chance!

416. No more throwing shite. Right?

417. The next one of you Yankee cunts who throws a feckin—

418. Billy, I'm sorry! Just come home!

419. Leave me alone!

420. This is pure bullshit!

421. They didn't even start the song!

422. Now, are you ready to rock?

423. Ladies and gentlemen, from West Hamptonton England,

424. please welcome Lifted Riffs!

425. Does anyone here know how to lick my pickle?

426. I knew it!

427. Come out and fight me, Jimmy!

428. - Let's go! - Billy?

429. Get outta here. I don't need your help!

430. Are you in there?

431. Come and get me, Jimmy! Where are you?

432. I shall call you "Peppino."

433. I'm right here, Jimmy!

434. Let's finish this, Jimmy! Once and for all!

435. Where are you?

436. - Ugh! These guys are dildos! - Yeah, but the chicks seem to dig them.

437. Oh, come on. We're going.

438. We'll catch up with you.

439. Come and get me!

440. Ow!

441. Uh-oh.

442. Could we go, please?

443. Just a minute.

444. Has everyone gone insane?

445. My fortress!

446. Peppino!

447. Thanks for the tickets.

448. Even if they only played the intro to the interlude to one song,

449. it was still pretty cool of you to take me.

450. Eh, we're not assholes all the time.

451. What got into you guys tonight?

452. You're all, like, happy. It's freaking me out.

453. Oh, that's one of ours, Kevin.

454. Did I ever tell you I wanted to be a pilot?

455. I even got accepted to flight school.

456. - He did. - Cool. Why didn't you go?

457. I met your mom, and then, uh, you came along.

458. Plans changed and we started a family instead.

459. We've had our ups and downs, sometimes we haven't gotten along,

460. but it's moments like this when I know I wouldn't trade what I have right now—

461. Fuck!

462. Oh, my God.

463. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

464. I need you to sign this.

465. And then Luger man shot the Africa man with the hook. He got killed-ed.

466. Then Luger man, he made a baby with the lady who looks like my mom.

467. Thanks, sport.

468. And then he laid down on top of her, and they wrassled. I think he won.

469. But he was making noises like he was losing.

470. And then a man on a surfboard asked me if I was tired of the same old toothpaste.

471. Then a talking dog told me to help stomp out childhood rickets,

472. and then Luger man came back and he said,

473. "Here's scenes from next week."

474. They showed them scenes. They was pretty good.

475. In one of 'em, he was punching a lady-man.

476. Then a suit-wearing man came on to say

477. there was a big fire in the woods somewheres

478. and that there'd be film of it at 11.

479. That film was pretty good.