1. Mail your confession
along with five dollars to me, Jesus,
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2. P.O. Box 38, FDR Station, New York.
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3. Tell Jesus your secret.
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4. Uh-huh.
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5. Yes, that's very troubling.
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6. Thanks for calling me on a Sunday.
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7. I promise you, we will handle this
with Kevin immediately.
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8. - Kevin, you lying sack of shit!
- What?
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9. We'll return to Jesus and
the Bible Buddies after these messages.
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10. This Friday, Colt gets it on
with death on an all new Colt Luger.
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11. Colt's investigation
leads him to a cathouse.
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12. Beat it, gumshoe.
I'm trying to earn a living.
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13. The world's oldest profession.
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14. Prostitution?
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15. - Smacking broads.
- Oh!
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16. Danger wears a D-cup.
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17. This week, on an all new Colt Luger.
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18. I was watching that.
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19. No, you weren't. And now you're not.
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20. OK, little man, come on outside.
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21. Yeah, Dad?
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22. How would you like to go to a football
game in the city with your old man?
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23. Wow, yeah!
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24. I thought you were taking Kevin.
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25. Yeah, he's not going now.
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26. - When did he decide that?
- Just now when I told him.
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27. This shit took me all morning!
You promised you were gonna take me!
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28. Well, you lied to me!
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29. You gave me your word saying you were
working on those history assignments,
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30. and all of a sudden,
I get a call from your teacher
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31. saying you haven't done a single one!
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32. It's history! It's not going anywhere!
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33. When I get home tonight, I want to see
half of those assignments completed,
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34. or as God is my witness,
I will put you through that fuckin' wall!
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35. We're outside, genius!
There is no wall!
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36. Then I will build one
and I will fucking put you through it!
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37. Would you please stop screaming
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38. in front of the entire neighborhood?
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39. Don't worry, I didn't hear anything.
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40. I heard, but I didn't understand it.
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41. Sorry, Susan, but your son is no good.
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42. You're not man enough to live up to your
agreement, so Bill gets to go to the game.
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43. That's final! He's a man.
He finished all his homework!
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44. - I didn't have any.
- Shut up and get in the car.
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45. And you get in the house!
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46. Hey, Frank. You taking a Sunday drive?
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47. Going to a game in the city, Vic.
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48. Oh, sweet, man.
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49. A boy and his dad
spending the day together,
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50. that is some salt of the earth stuff.
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51. Oh, I got tickets too!
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52. But I can't go,
'cause I got one sick Izzie here.
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53. He got into by booger sugar,
and now he thinks he's a dinosaur.
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54. - Can you dig it? Crazy, man.
- Yeah, watch your toes.
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55. Rock on, my brother!
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56. That's it, Dad.
Drive away like a chickenshit dildo!
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57. - What did you say?
- Nothing.
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58. - That's what I thought.
- So unfair!
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59. Well, Kevin, you made your bed.
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60. Not yet, but I will!
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61. God, get off my back!
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62. Don't you talk to me that way!
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63. Now look who's screaming
in front of the whole neighborhood!
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64. Still didn't hear anything.
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65. I hate my goddamn life!
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66. Stupid lipstick.
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67. Look, honey,
I know you're upset at your dad.
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68. He's such a jerk.
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69. He's a bigger Hitler
than Mr. Hitler's brother, Hitler!
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70. - Wait, who?
- It's not fair!
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71. Kevin, you lied to us,
and you need to grow up.
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72. Look, Maureen and I are going shopping,
and while we're gone,
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73. I fully expect you
to get your assignments done.
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74. I'll see you in a few hours.
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75. Humph.
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76. I need to get toasted, now.
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77. Billy, you are gonna love this.
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78. You and me, the Murphy men.
You're excited, right?
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79. - Uh, sure, Dad.
- 'Course you are. This is incredible.
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80. Your first game and you're sitting
on the 50-yard line in corporate seats.
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81. Are you kidding me? At your age?
Do you realize how lucky you are?
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82. - Yeah.
- Jesus, I wish I had me for a dad.
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83. Hey, grab me a cold one out of the cooler.
There you go.
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84. You're up, little man.
Hold the wheel.
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85. You're gonna love the stadium.
The field is so green!
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86. And I got a great shortcut
to get us there.
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87. Put the lock down.
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88. I'll tell you, this is gonna be great.
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89. - Shouldn't we help that guy?
- No. Do not make eye contact.
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90. Hey, my main man. I ran outta gas.
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91. Don't make eye contact.
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92. Can you help a brother out?
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93. Shit, I made eye contact.
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94. Don't kill me! I have a family!
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95. Fucking asshole!
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96. Oh, what a day.
I told you it was gonna be great, huh?
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97. Just you and me, buddy. This'll be a day
you will remember forever.
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98. Oh, that looks so fun!
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99. Why do I have to go with you?
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100. Stop pouting. You and I
are gonna have lots of fun today.
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101. We get to see the new mall,
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102. and buy supplies
for my Plast-A-Ware party.
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103. - Why?
- Because it's Mommy's job.
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104. Daddy says moms only work
when the husband's in jail.
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105. Daddy... sometimes says things
he doesn't mean.
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106. And I love my job.
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107. How much money do you make?
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108. Well, they pay me
in free Plast-A-Ware bowls.
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109. Is there money in the bowls?
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110. I better watch the road.
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111. Wait till you see this. You ready?
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112. - You ready?
- I'm ready.
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113. - Here we go.
- Wow!
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114. Didn't I tell ya? It's a cathedral.
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115. Oh! Aren't these seats great?
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116. We're so close. I can see the ash
on the quarterback's cigarette.
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117. Hey, you gonna tell your friends
about this tomorrow,
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118. about what a great old man you got?
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119. - Sure, Dad.
- Of course you will.
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120. - All right, Rustys!
- Whoo-hoo!
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121. Excuse me,
but I believe you're in my seats.
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122. Huh? No, no, no.
These are ours, pal. Keep it moving.
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123. Here, I'll show you the tickets.
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124. Get those outta my face.
These are company seats, pal.
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125. They belong to Mohican Airways.
Do you see that? Mohican Airways.
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126. Do you belong to Mohican Airways?
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127. I am Mohican Airways!
I'm Roger Dunbarton, the CEO.
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128. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, Mr. Dunbarton!
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129. Mr. Dunbarton, I'm so sorry.
Frank Murphy, baggage department.
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130. Take your hat off, Bill.
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131. Murphy, yes. You recently got promoted.
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132. Bob Pogo's been singing your praises.
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133. That is when that whale isn't singing
the "Oscar Meyer Weiner Song."
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134. - Get out of my seats.
- Oh, yes. Yes, I'm sorry.
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135. I'm sorry. Bill, you're in the man's seat.
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136. Stopped on the Piledriver 31-yard line.
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137. Mr. Dunbarton, uh...
may I say it is an honor—
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138. - Dad, can I get a pennant?
- Yeah, yeah. Here you go. Get two.
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139. Mr. Dunbarton, can I buy you a beer?
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140. That horse piss is for peasants.
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141. On this side of the tracks,
we drink private stock.
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142. We're drinking brandy,
and my name is Brandy!
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143. Isn't that funny?
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144. It's very funny, Brandy.
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145. - Yeah.
- It's hilarious.
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146. Right?
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147. Yes. Yes!
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148. Everyone laugh at my wife's funny joke.
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149. Laugh, damn you!
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150. Sit down!
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151. Splifter time!
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152. Yah, mon, let's clean them ganja seeds
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153. before daylight comes
and me wanna go home.
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154. Where'd you get that queer album from,
your Dad's asshole?
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155. It's the first double album I grabbed.
Leave me alone.
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156. Just busting you.
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157. When I was little, my parents put this on
every Sunday after dinner.
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158. Like they were Mr. And Mrs. Liberace
or some shit.
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159. Oh, you're bumming me out!
Let's blaze.
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160. My dad is such a hard-ass.
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161. He's breaking my balls
'cause I'm flunking history.
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162. Who needs to learn about
shit that already happened?
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163. If they had a class called "future,"
I'd be all over it.
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164. Yeah, man.
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165. In the future,
you won't even have to study.
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166. You just take a smart pill.
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167. I would totally overdose on those.
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168. Can you point me to the bargain basement?
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169. I'm recently separated.
I don't think he ever loved me.
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170. Oh, God, not her.
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171. Uh, Maureen, honey,
let's go play with the pots and pans.
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172. - Mommy, why are you pulling me?
- Sue?
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173. - Sue Murphy?
- Ah, fuck me.
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174. Ginny, hi!
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175. It's so good to see you.
I'd love to talk, but—
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176. Oh, thank you.
My own mother won't even listen to me.
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177. Um...
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178. Honey, here's some pennies.
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179. Go make a wish in the fountain
in front of the organ store.
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180. All right!
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181. Thank you, Sue.
You're such a good friend.
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182. Yes, well, I don't have a whole—
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183. It all began on the honeymoon.
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184. And that's the end of the first half!
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185. two.
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186. I don't want to brag, sir,
but since I took over the department,
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187. I already found that stair car
that was missing since last fall.
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188. Good for you. You know, I once
did a shift in the baggage department
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189. just to see what it was like,
mix in with the fellas.
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190. - Really?
- Good God, no!
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191. Ah, it's a hell of a thing that
happened to Ed, wasn't it, Frank?
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192. Oh, yeah. Terrible, terrible.
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193. Do you know how much it costs
to replace one of those propellers?
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194. - No.
- Neither did I, until Ed walked into one.
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195. You see, Frank, in business,
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196. it's the unforeseen expenses
that can cripple a company.
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197. Get that goddamn finger
out of my face!
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198. - Dad, my soda!
- Nice throw, sir!
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199. Frank, the last thing
this company needs is a strike.
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200. When will these employees learn
that we're all pulling together?
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201. Uh, there's a lot of factors, sir,
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202. and these guys, you know,
they work really hard.
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203. Now listen to me. You're not
their friend anymore, you're their boss!
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204. They need to fear you.
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205. They need to know that you can
fuck their wife better than they can.
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206. - OK.
- I like you, Frank.
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207. - Just don't ever cross me.
- I would never do that, sir.
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208. Good. I think that God,
in His infinite wisdom,
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209. fed Ed's face into that propeller
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210. so that you would be in this
football stadium on this day with me.
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211. You have been anointed, Frank.
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212. Don't let me, or God, down.
Same thing.
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213. Dad, will you take me to the bathroom?
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214. Not now, I'm being anointed.
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215. I really have to go.
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216. I'll take him. Follow me.
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217. Don't buy a hot dog, Brandy.
You're gettin' fat.
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218. - Oh, you.
- I mean it.
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219. I'll cut you off!
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220. Fuck him, I'll eat what I want!
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221. What a dick!
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222. Shit-cock!
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223. Ugh.
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224. Fuck that guy!
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225. Bullshit.
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226. - Hey, move it.
- ... my fuckin' dick...
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227. Goddamn stall!
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228. - Hey, man, you're taking too long.
- I'm taking a shit!
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229. - Who pissed on this?
- Should've gone for it.
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230. Oh, yeah.
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231. Oh, yeah.
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232. I have a question. If you had to screw
a First Lady, who would it be?
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233. - I know.
- And you can't say "Jackie Kennedy."
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234. If I can't say "Jackie Kennedy," I quit.
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235. She's so sad.
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236. Stupid record.
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237. - Let's play catch, Daddy.
- You betcha, Kevin.
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238. Remember this wonderful day,
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239. because there might be a time when you're
older and we're not getting along so good,
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240. and you'll remember
that the most important thing in life
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241. is that I'll always be your father.
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242. And I'll always love you, no matter what.
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243. Oh, and you don't want to be
with Jackie Kennedy
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244. because she was married
to President Kennedy,
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245. and he fucked everybody.
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246. I love you, Daddy.
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247. I'm sorry things got so messed up.
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248. Kevin's tripping!
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249. I gotta get my act together.
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250. Starting right—
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251. - The cops!
- Oh, let's get outta here!
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252. No woman should spend Valentine's Day
night driving all over the city,
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253. searching for her husband.
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254. Wow, it's five o'clock and—
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255. We hadn't had sex facing each other
for seven years.
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256. Dad, I'm cold.
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257. I need the window down.
It helps me think.
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258. Ah! Wasn't this a great day?
We had fun together, right?
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259. Yeah. You spent a lot of time
with the grown-ups.
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260. No, no, no, those weren't just
any grown-ups, son.
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261. I made a powerful friend today.
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262. Do you know who that—
Do you know who that Mr. Dunbarton is?
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263. That is the owner of Mohican Airways.
The big chief.
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264. A man to be reckoned with.
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265. He spent the last quarter
sleeping in his wife's lap.
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266. And now he knows who I am,
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267. and he's trusting your father to smooth
over this whole strike situation.
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268. I'm important.
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269. I have been anointed...
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270. a titan of transportation!
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271. Ah, shit. Did your mother drive this?
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272. - Oh! Roll the windows up, Bill.
- I thought you needed to think.
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273. I'm done thinking! Roll them up!
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274. Oh, man!
I don't want to go to juvie!
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275. My mom is gonna kill me!
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276. It's hard to run!
I can't feel my feet!
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277. Come on, let's go!
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278. Uh, hey. I gotta go back.
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279. - You what?
- I left my wallet there.
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280. So I gotta go back for it.
Wait for me here.
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281. Oh, shit! Son of a bitch!
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282. Oh, where is it?
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283. - Hey! Come over here!
- Shit!
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284. Oh, come on!
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285. I just need gas, have a heart!
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286. I fought in Korea!
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287. - Get outta the road!
- Ah, fuck you, lady!
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288. Dad, maybe we should
walk to a gas station.
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289. I saw one a few blocks back.
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290. Bill, this isn't a good neighborhood, OK?
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291. Five blocks here
is like a thousand in our neighborhood.
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292. Christ, we'd be better off
drilling into the ground.
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293. Yo, Frank. Frank Murphy!
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294. - Rosie?
- What the hell are you doing down here?
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295. Oh, you know, we were just
coming from the game and—
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296. Man, get your Irish ass inside
before you freeze.
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297. Hey, go to Texaco and get my friend
some gas, all right?
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298. You guys come on in.
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299. When the fuck did I become the gas guy?
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300. Hey, get this man some coffee.
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301. Yo, kid, the bathroom's over there
if you need it.
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302. I'm OK.
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303. Hey, Rosie, why'd you bring
that cracker in here?
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304. Relax, he's cool man, he's cool.
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305. - Shit, man, dude look like a cop!
- They all look like cops!
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306. Yeah, I guess we do.
Everybody put your hands up!
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307. Not in here, Frank.
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308. Waterbridge Mall
is now closing. Thank you.
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309. I tried so hard to please him.
I did everything he asked.
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310. I cut my hair short, I put on aftershave,
but he wouldn't touch me.
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311. I... I don't know, Ginny.
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312. I even put a hot quarter up his ass.
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313. Ginny, stop!
The mall is closing.
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314. I've got to find Maureen
and go home and make dinner.
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315. Oh. Well, excuse me.
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316. I am so sorry that my life falling apart
has inconvenienced you.
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317. Ginny—
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318. Why'd I even bother talking to you at all?
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319. You can't understand how I feel,
with your perfect life.
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320. And your beautiful kids.
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321. My life isn't perfect, okay?
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322. Outside of being a wife and a mother,
I've got nothing!
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323. I sell plastic that I cry into!
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324. We've all got our shit to carry, Ginny!
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325. Sometimes I wish I'd never got married!
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326. Do you ever stop thinking of yourself?
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327. Is that true, Mommy?
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328. Put those coins back in the fountain.
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329. Dad, I don't see any John Denver records.
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330. Just keep looking, kid...
about 100 blocks north of here!
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331. This is an all-black neighborhood.
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332. So anyway, I had no sick days left.
No personal time, right?
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333. Frank Murphy covered my whole shift
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334. so I could go to the hospital
to see my daughter be born.
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335. It was an honor,
and I asked nothing in return.
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336. So how's my little goddaughter,
Frankalina?
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337. - This guy!
- Ah, this guy!
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338. - I fucking love this guy!
- To Frank Murphy.
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339. Best friend a luggage jockey ever had.
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340. With you on our side, man,
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341. Bob Pogo can take his cutbacks and
shove 'em up his fat, bacon-eatin' ass.
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342. That's right, that's right!
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343. Yeah, and the football tickets he gave us
weren't that good anyway.
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344. - What, say what?
- Uh, nothing, nothing.
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345. Bob Pogo gave my dad
the corporate seats today,
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346. but we had to share 'em
with Mr. Dunbarton.
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347. He likes my dad a lot.
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348. Kept talking to him the whole time
about how to scare employees.
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349. Dunbarton, huh?
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350. OK, yeah, yeah.
Bob gave me the corporate seats,
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351. but I had to take 'em.
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352. But I'm still with you.
Meeting Dunbarton gave me the chance
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353. to put a human face
on the baggage handlers' union.
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354. Which face am I talking to now?
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355. Your gas is here, man.
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356. You're welcome.
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357. Hey!
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358. It's your neighbor, Mr. Holtenwasser.
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359. Kevin, it is cold.
Let me take you home.
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360. Thanks, but...
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361. Oh, please, I insist.
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362. Hop in.
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363. Whoa.
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364. Dad, are you mad at me for telling
your friend about the tickets?
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365. Nah. It's my fault anyway.
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366. I'm sorry today didn't turn out
the way you'd hoped.
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367. It's OK.
Can I ask you something else?
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368. - 'Course you can.
- This strike thing at work,
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369. how can you be on the boss' side
and your friend's side?
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370. You can't.
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371. Hang on, I'm not done yet.
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372. - Well, didn't you go at the game?
- Hell, no!
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373. Why'd you make me put the coins back?
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374. Because it was stealing.
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375. But it was my wish.
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376. Well, not all wishes come true.
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377. Like your wish that you never got married?
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378. No. I didn't— No.
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379. That's not— I said that,
but I didn't really mean it.
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380. I was, you know, just trying
to make Ginny feel better.
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381. Oh. So when I heard Daddy say
he wished he never got married,
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382. who was he trying to make feel better?
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383. I will be sure to ask him that.
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384. It's nice to finally speak to you, Kevin.
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385. I've watched you grow for years.
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386. What? Like, through the curtains or—
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387. On the street, at play.
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388. Did you know I was the first homeowner
in the subdivision?
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389. Well, me and my wife.
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390. Her name was Mary.
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391. Was a nurse in the U.S. Army hospital at—
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392. Holy shit, it's my dad!
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393. Shit!
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394. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
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395. Have a wonderful evening!
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396. There is something
I really need to ask you.
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397. Ah, Sue, for Christ sake.
I've had a hell of a day.
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398. Have you been drinking?
Has he been drinking?
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399. Don't make me snitch on him!
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400. - That means yes.
- Oh, give me a break.
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401. I was at a football game.
What do you want from me?
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402. Oh!
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403. You back already?
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404. Wow, you're really studying.
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405. Oh, yeah, sure am. Like crazy.
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406. Did you know there were two World Wars?
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407. Huh. I haven't heard this music in—
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408. A very long time.
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409. I always liked it, too.
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410. Why'd you play this now?
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411. Just wanted to hear something sucky.
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412. It's better than your
"Elfin King" bullshit!
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413. That is enough!
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414. We love each other!
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415. We've been apart all day and now
we are gonna spend the evening together,
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416. as a family.
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417. Bobby, I asked you to mow the lawn.
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418. I did mow the lawn, Dad.
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419. But the grass is just as high
as it was, Bobby.
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420. Oh, golly! You meant mow our lawn!
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421. Bobby!
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422. Hey, guess what I found out today?
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423. We were all wrong about our neighbor,
you know, Mr. Hitler?
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424. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
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425. He's not a Nazi.
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426. He's got one of those weird stars
hanging from his rearview mirror.
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427. He's a Satan worshiper!
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428. Holy crap!
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429. - Pretty great, huh?
- Hey! I spent 700 bucks on a TV
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430. so I could watch a family being happy.
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431. So zip it.
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432. Tonight, I unveil the first
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433. To Be Black In Today's America.
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434. I witnessed firsthand
the silent scourge of racism as,
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435. disguised as a typical inner-city Negro,
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436. I tried in vain to find help
for my disabled vehicle.
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437. Not a single Caucasian driver
stopped to assist me, a black man.
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438. Hey, my main man, I ran outta gas.
Can you help a brother out?
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439. Don't kill me, I have a family!
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440. the face of racism in America today.
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441. Man, you think you know a guy.
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442. Oh, this day gets curiouser and curiouser.
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443. Hey, it's me. We can't trust
Frank Murphy to help us out.
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444. It's time for the union
to set a strike date.
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445. No, obviously, I don't know
what time it is!
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