1. Do you want to tell me what this is?
Copy !req
2. - What?
- This.
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3. This failure notice from your school.
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4. If you're an expert on what it is,
why did you have to ask me?
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5. Don't start. Honestly, Kevin,
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6. you're in danger of failing
every class you have.
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7. Not every class.
I'm acing speech.
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8. - What did you say?
- I said I'm acing speech!
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9. Aah! Your father's gonna have
an absolute stroke,
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10. and you can clean him with a sponge.
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11. - Fine, I will!
- Mom!
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12. - Leave your sister alone.
- All right, all right, all right!
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13. Can't I have one day
without any upsetment?
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14. I'm gonna ride to the railroad tracks.
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15. - Oh, no, you are not.
- Yeah, I am.
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16. Honestly, do you think
you get to live your life
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17. not doing anything your mother wants...
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18. not following any of your mother's
rules, just to make her go insane?
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19. You are gonna make me go
completely insane.
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20. That is what's gonna happen.
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21. Dad's home.
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22. We will not say a word
about this to your father
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23. until after supper
and his food has settled.
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24. Fine, I'll wait till he farts.
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25. Lower your voice!
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26. Ah! Son of a bitch!
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27. Fuckin' American cars.
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28. No wonder the Japs are beating us.
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29. Ah, hey, buddy. At least somebody
in this family gives a shit about me.
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30. Hey, stop it. Get off. Get—
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31. Get off me. Goddamn it, Major.
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32. Hey, Frank!
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33. Hey, you got big plans for the weekend?
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34. I'm taking my boat to the lake,
gonna do a little wave humping.
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35. You should come along and, uh...
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36. we'll do some humping together.
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37. Right on!
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38. Oh, hiya, honey.
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39. Mm. How was your day?
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40. Ah, it was a rough one. I had to help
Ed's widow clean out his locker.
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41. Oh, that poor woman.
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42. One minute everything's fine,
Ed's walking around the tarmac
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43. with his head attached to his body
like it always is.
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44. The next thing you know... Ugh.
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45. - Chair.
- The dick-tator has spoken.
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46. Oh, don't start with me,
you fuckin' disappointment.
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47. I had to hose a man's face
off the tarmac today, all right?
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48. I need a little peace. TV.
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49. Damn, Colt!
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50. Them Fong Brothers
are gonna turn you into teriyaki!
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51. - They'll try, Fruity.
- What you gonna do?
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52. - Sometimes a man's gotta do...
- what a man does.
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53. Hold this.
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54. You a rearry bad man, Cort Ruger!
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55. Kung fu!
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56. You two dumplings
are about to get pan-fried.
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57. No substitutions.
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58. Oh, no! Me being burned alive!
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59. And once again, justice is served.
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60. How can you watch this?
It's barbaric.
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61. It's art. Beautiful, beautiful art.
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62. My skin is bubbling!
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63. Hey, I got an idea.
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64. If you don't like this, go to your room
and watch whatever you want on your TV.
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65. Oh, that's right, you don't have one
'cause it's my fuckin' house.
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66. That's real funny, Dad.
You know what else is funny?
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67. Aside from your haircut? What?
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68. This.
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69. - Bella Abzug?
- No.
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70. - This!
- What the hell is this?
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71. - Kevin!
- He's flunking out
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72. and you knew about this?
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73. I wanted your food to settle!
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74. Unbelievable. Unbelievable!
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75. pay attention and pass your classes.
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76. That's two jobs!
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77. No son of mine is gonna flunk out.
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78. I don't care. I hate school!
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79. Well, I hate my life,
but I keep on doing it!
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80. I got a mortgage, I got dependents,
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81. and I gotta go downtown
every damn day to run that airport!
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82. Please, you're just a baggage handler.
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83. What the fuck did you just call me?
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84. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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85. Frank, go hit your boxing bag.
Kevin, room.
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86. Ah, shit!
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87. Who the fuck puts a car in a garage?
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88. I'm sorry, I thought
you were gonna be happy tonight.
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89. Never assume that!
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90. Oh...
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91. - This is nice, Sue.
- Mm.
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92. Can you even remember the last time
we just spent a whole Saturday in bed?
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93. Dad!
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94. Nope.
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95. Here we go.
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96. - Frank.
- What?
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97. As beautiful as it is...
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98. Right.
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99. Ew. Daddy, Bill flicked his cereal at me.
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100. - Knock it off, Bill.
- She started it.
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101. Well, I started you, and I can end you.
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102. Be nice to your sister.
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103. Someday you'll be sleeping
on her couch after your first divorce.
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104. Frank, I know you have some things
to do today, but please don't forget,
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105. this is my big day to organize the orders.
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106. Oh, right. I'm on it.
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107. Kids, don't bother your mom today.
She's got important work to do,
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108. packing up that shit she sells
around the neighborhood.
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109. - It's called Plast-A-Ware!
- You're right. Plast-A-Ware.
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110. So while Mommy's busy
with her little hobby...
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111. - It's a job!
- Yes, fine, a job.
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112. I need you two to play nice with
each other and don't get in any trouble.
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113. And I am putting you in charge
of your sister today.
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114. - You got that?
- Yep.
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115. Okay, if anything bad happens to her,
I want you to call me at work.
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116. - Okay, buddy?
- Sure, Dad.
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117. Good, 'cause then
I will come right home,
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118. and I will put you
through that fuckin' wall.
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119. Have a great day, princess.
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120. - Dad put me in charge of you.
- Good for you.
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121. - So you have to do what I say.
- Okay.
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122. - Can I go get my coloring book?
- Yes, you can.
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123. Thanks.
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124. This is easy.
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125. Maureen!
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126. See you later, stupid!
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127. Ah, shit!
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128. Hey. Get up, son.
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129. Oh, come on, I was having a dream about
not being part of this family.
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130. That's great. Come on.
It's important.
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131. Where you taking me?
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132. Hey, Frank! She wouldn't leave.
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133. - Capricorns, right?
- Ah, that guy.
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134. Where we going?
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135. I'm not getting a haircut.
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136. Look, I'm sorry I'm flunking out,
but History's not my fault.
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137. I wasn't gonna say this,
but Mr. Hackett's a perv.
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138. Like, a major perv.
He's always brushing up against me.
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139. I'm pretty sure I gave him a boner.
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140. Look, I realize no matter how much I yell
and scream, you're never gonna change.
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141. You're not gonna do better in school,
and your mother and I have accepted that.
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142. We're not gonna fight you on this anymore.
So I guess you're done with school.
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143. And you know what? That's fine.
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144. - Oh. Cool.
- So we decided to sell you to the Army.
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145. - What?
- Yep.
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146. - You are going to Vietnam.
- What?
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147. It's called "Troubled Youths To Southeast
Asia," or something like that.
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148. - It's an early-induction program.
- What the hell are you talking about?
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149. Good, good, that's great. Get all
that attitude outta your system now,
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150. because your commanding officer's
probably not gonna stand for it.
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151. You can't do this to me.
It isn't legal.
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152. Yeah, it is. It's a new program. A lot
of parents are really excited about it.
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153. It's a "can't lose."
You're done with school,
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154. and we might get
a nice folded flag out of it.
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155. Ah, would you look at that. Better hurry,
your flight to Saigon leaves in an hour.
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156. This is bullshit!
Where are you taking me?
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157. Where are you taking me?
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158. Mm...
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159. Here we go!
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160. You can't do this to me!
Wait, I'll be good!
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161. Father, please!
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162. Oh, and if you see a six-year-old
running away from you,
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163. he's about to compromise your position.
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164. So, what you want to do is shoot him
right in the back of the head.
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165. A brain stem shot. All right?
And don't worry, don't worry,
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166. - everything's fair game over there.
- No!
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167. You hold him up on your bayonet
for the others to see.
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168. It's all about sending a message.
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169. I want to go home, Daddy!
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170. Ah, we all want to go home, Kevin.
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171. But sometimes you have to destroy
an entire culture first
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172. before that's possible.
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173. And I'll tell you right now,
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174. if the Vietnamese are anything like the
Koreans, they're very tough to de-bone.
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175. No, please! I'm so sorry!
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176. I don't even know what a brain stem is!
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177. I'll work hard in school!
I'll be good, okay?
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178. Don't send me to Vietnam!
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179. Jesus Christ, Kevin.
You're not going to Vietnam.
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180. What? I'm not?
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181. You really think they'd take
a 14-year-old flunky?
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182. They only take 18-year-old flunkies.
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183. Seriously? That's so fucked up!
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184. You are gonna spend the day with me.
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185. So you see what I do
to put food on the table for this family.
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186. Then maybe you'll learn
to have just a little more respect
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187. for your "just a baggage handler" father.
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188. Ah! Piece of shit! Goddamn it!
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189. All right, where's Mohican Airways
flying you two today?
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190. - Syracuse.
- Syracuse, New York!
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191. Jewel of the Hudson Valley!
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192. Here you go, young man, gate 12.
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193. - Thank you.
- Thank you!
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194. Cheap ass Syracuse motherfuckers.
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195. Hope your plane gets hijacked.
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196. - Hey, what do you say, Rosie?
- Hey, Frank.
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197. You remember my boy, Kevin, right?
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198. Oh, hey, kid. You've grown.
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199. What are you in,
seventh, eighth grade now?
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200. - Try ninth.
- Shit.
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201. Time sure flies when you work
51 weeks a year.
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202. Where are you fine ladies headed to?
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203. - Let's go, genius.
- Sandusky.
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204. - Sandusky, Ohio!
- Stupid sarcasm from Dad.
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205. Gotta hang out with him all day.
Sucks!
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206. Maureen! Maureen!
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207. Where are you?
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208. Nice! Let's try this big fucker.
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209. Don't throw that!
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210. If Maureen gets hurt,
my dad's gonna kill me!
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211. - I won't get hurt.
- It's okay, we's insulated.
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212. I think I'm allergic to my pink pillow.
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213. This is stupid. Let's just play something
where Maureen won't get hurt.
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214. OK.
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215. Ah, shit! Why does this hurt so much?
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216. Should've worn a cup, like me.
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217. Now let me show you where you
can get in life when you stay in school.
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218. This right here is what you call the
"nerve center" of the whole operation.
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219. You recognize that handwriting?
That's me. I made out that schedule.
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220. Gee, Pop, that's cool.
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221. It's not "cool." It's important.
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222. Just like air traffic control.
It's all about sequencing and spacing.
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223. - Of lunch?
- No, of everything.
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224. Without that schedule,
the bags don't get off the planes
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225. and the whole airport grinds to a halt.
That leads to a domino effect.
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226. Every airport closes.
Then anarchy sets in.
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227. - Food lines grow.
- Dad, it's not that big of a deal.
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228. Yeah? Talk to me when we're eating
the fucking dog for supper!
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229. Murphy! My office! Now!
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230. All right, that's the big boss.
I'll be right back. You stay here.
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231. Do not move your ass from this spot.
You understand me, Einstein?
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232. All right. Yeah, Dad, I got it.
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233. Okay, I'll be right back.
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234. Fuck you.
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235. No fucking door's
gonna tell me what to do.
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236. Ah, shit!
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237. Mm-hm. Hm. Hm.
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238. Ooh. You're a bad one.
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239. See? This is fun, right?
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240. - I guess.
- And it's safe.
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241. - You guys ready?
- All ready.
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242. Hold your girl balls!
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243. Shit!
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244. Maureen! I killed her.
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245. I want to do it again!
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246. No! I don't care if you die,
but Dad does.
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247. I'm not afraid of anything.
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248. Are you all right, Maureen?
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249. The Nazi knows my name!
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250. Ah! The joy of children at play.
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251. You, uh, wanted to see me, Bob?
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252. Sit down.
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253. Frank, it was a horrible way for you
to get Ed's job, God rest his soul,
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254. but everything happens for a reason
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255. and I know you're the guy
to turn this department around.
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256. Thank you.
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257. To be honest with you,
Ed lost control of his crew.
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258. You see how they've been acting out there?
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259. Oh, did I get you?
There's no discipline anymore.
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260. So you're the new sheriff and
I'm counting on you to lay down the law.
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261. Good skin.
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262. They should make a chicken just of skin.
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263. I'd buy that.
Everybody'd buy that.
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264. To tell you the truth,
we were getting ready to let Ed go anyway.
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265. So this terrible accident
was kind of a blessing in disguise.
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266. One good thing has
come out of this tragedy.
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267. From now on,
if you're wearing a tie on the tarmac,
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268. it's gotta be a clip-on.
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269. That's a nice way to honor his memory.
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270. So listen, I'm hearing some rumblings
that Rosie and the baggage handlers
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271. are thinking of going on strike.
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272. I'm really counting on you
to make sure your men understand
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273. that wouldn't be
in anybody's best interest.
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274. Oh, they're not gonna strike.
They're my guys. They're reasonable.
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275. That's good. Because just between you
and me and these pieces of poultry,
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276. a strike would kill this airline.
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277. Times are tough. Inflation. Recession.
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278. Oil embargo.
We're all in this together.
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279. If one side—
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280. Oh, for Christ's sake,
this bucket's only got three biscuits!
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281. It's supposed to have four!
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282. That's what's wrong with this country!
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283. Oh, here it is.
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284. You're in management now, Frank,
and we take care of our own.
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285. Here.
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286. We'd like you to have these, courtesy of
our CEO, Roger Dunbarton himself.
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287. These are for the game next Sunday.
Corporate seats!
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288. Enjoy them. You're on our team now.
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289. I know you'll come through for us
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290. and shut down any of this crazy talk
about a strike.
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291. I can count on you, right?
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292. Uh... Yes. Yes, sir.
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293. All right, Frank, we're done here.
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294. Thanks, Bob.
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295. I'm not a stander, Frank.
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296. Bang it harder, man!
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297. I'm trying, I'm trying!
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298. Come on, you son of a bitch.
Come on!
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299. Come on, you little fuckers!
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300. Ho-ho! All right, high tar!
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301. - Makes your dick hard.
- Oh, hey, man.
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302. It's not stealing if you're on a break.
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303. - Oh, shit, that's Frank's kid.
- Are you gonna tell your dad on us?
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304. My dad's a dildo.
Now how about one of those cigarettes?
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305. - All right.
- Yeah.
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306. There.
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307. All done.
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308. Now I'm free to enjoy the rest of my day.
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309. Oh, God!
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310. Get out of here!
Leave me alone!
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311. Get out! Ew!
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312. All right, Einstein. Up and at 'em.
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313. Ah, shit!
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314. Maureen!
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315. You said you'd only climb
to the first big branch!
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316. When are you gonna realize I'm a liar?
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317. Hey, look, free eggs!
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318. Yuck. Somebody put a bird in this one!
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319. Maureen, get down now!
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320. So he forces me
to come with him on his day off
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321. to learn respect for what he does.
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322. And it's all 'cause he spazzed out
when I started flunking a few classes.
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323. Fuck school! Whoa!
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324. That'd be a great name for a porno.
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325. Look at that,
I didn't even finish tenth grade
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326. and I just came up
with an idea for a movie.
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327. People still go to school, but they fuck.
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328. I'd watch that.
Everybody would watch that.
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329. Carl, check it out!
This one just came in from Boston.
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330. "Lewis Futon." Nice.
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331. She's probably banging the mayor.
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332. Better put it on the belt. Oops!
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333. Missed the belt!
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334. "Leonora Pender."
Oh, you dirty pill-billy.
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335. - What are they?
- Only one way to find out.
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336. And that's why they call it
"experimenting" with drugs.
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337. - Whoa. Can I have some?
- Dude, you're a kid!
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338. You can only have one.
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339. Whoa.
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340. - You're gonna be a great father.
- Thanks, man.
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341. - Rosie, you seen my kid?
- Thought he was with you.
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342. Ah, geez. Kid's gonna put me
six feet under. Thanks.
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343. Frank, real quick, real quick. What did
Bob Pogo want to talk to you about?
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344. Well, uh... he was missing a biscuit.
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345. I didn't do it!
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346. Anyway, what did he want, Frank?
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347. Pogo was just, you know,
he doesn't want you to go on strike.
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348. And look, I know you guys got a beef.
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349. They shouldn't be cutting
your overtime pay.
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350. Exactly. It isn't right.
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351. I mean, we're busting our asses out here.
How much money they gotta make?
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352. We're not asking for a lot, man, you know,
just spread it around a little bit.
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353. I mean, you understand, right?
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354. Rosie, you know I got your back.
I'll always be one of you guys.
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355. If this shit goes down,
we can count on you, right?
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356. Yeah, Rosie. Of course you can.
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357. - Good.
- I better go find my kid.
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358. Hey, I hope Pogo didn't eat him!
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359. He's too lean, though, right?
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360. Ah...
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361. Excuse me, are you the manager here?
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362. Why, yes, ma'am, I am. How can I help you?
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363. Don't you backtalk me!
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364. - Are you all right?
- Do you want my pillow?
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365. Get away from her!
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366. I... can't... breathe!
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367. You just got the wind knocked out of you.
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368. I bet I can go higher this... time.
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369. Jesus Christ, Maureen,
what's wrong with you?
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370. All day long, if it's not one thing,
it's another!
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371. I'm just trying to protect you!
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372. Do you have a death wish,
you stupid fuck?
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373. Ah, shit.
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374. I'm sorry. Okay. Okay.
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375. Can you walk,
or do you want me to carry you?
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376. I can walk,
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377. but I still want you to carry me, okay?
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378. I know that guy.
That's my dad's boss.
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379. It is for about two more seconds.
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380. Here he goes.
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381. Alive... alive... alive...
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382. Oh!
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383. - What happened to his head?
- Just a second.
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384. Holy shit!
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385. - I can't stop watching this.
- Oh, man!
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386. Look, look. Alive. Dead.
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387. Alive. Dead.
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388. Alive. Dead.
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389. I'm gonna put him back together. Oh!
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390. Now he's apart.
I use Head and Shoulders.
Copy !req
391. Oops! Now just Shoulders.
Copy !req
392. Oh, don't get ahead of yourself!
The Prince of Darkness says you live!
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393. Oh, no, you don't!
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394. Uh, my... dad's probably...
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395. - I should go find him.
- Okay, see ya.
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396. "I wear a tie because I'm a professional."
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397. Not anymore.
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398. I'm sorry you had to see all that,
but I'm fine now.
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399. Really, I am. I'm very happy.
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400. I mean, so what if all I really have is...
I'm a mom and a wife.
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401. And all I have outside of that
is Plast-A-Ware.
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402. But I'm happy.
I don't need anything else.
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403. No, no, no, don't go.
Here, more cheese.
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404. I'm really very happy.
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405. Mom?
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406. We'll talk later.
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407. Hang on, honey, Mommy's here!
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408. Mrs. Pender, I am so very sorry
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409. that something was lost
from your luggage in transit.
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410. It's not "something." It's my pills.
And they were in that bag!
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411. They're for my uterine lining!
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412. Are you sure you packed them
before you left Boston?
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413. Are you suggesting I'm senile,
you baggage jockey?
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414. This is your fault!
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415. You are an absolute disgrace
to this once-proud airline.
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416. And if you think I'm gonna stand—
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417. Whoa!
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418. You should see the tape
the FAA confiscated.
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419. Ed's head rolled all the way
to runway two-niner.
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420. You guys should get back to work.
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421. Oh, man, I got the cramps something bad.
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422. Really? Are your breasts tender?
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423. No, but I can't feel my balls!
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424. Murphy, ma'am. Frank Murphy.
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425. Well, Frank Murphy,
you're about to lose your job!
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426. Excuse me, sir? Um...
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427. I don't know your name, obviously,
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428. but um, I found this bottle
by the baggage carousel
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429. and just thought it might be important?
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430. Oh. Uh... Thank you, uh, young man.
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431. Mrs. Pender, here you are.
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432. Oh. Well, this still
doesn't excuse your rudeness.
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433. Ma'am, I am terribly sorry.
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434. It's 100 percent our fault.
I understand completely.
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435. And your complete lack of professionalism
and respect for—
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436. Excuse me, but um...
why don't you just...
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437. shut the fuck up?
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438. Kevin... you shouldn't have said that.
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439. That was very rude.
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440. And just because I'm laughing
doesn't make it right, okay?
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441. You should've shown that lady
some respect.
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442. Why? She'll be dead in a week.
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443. Yeah, with any luck.
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444. She sure was pissed.
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445. Yeah, don't tell your mother!
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446. Doesn't that just rock your soul?
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447. I gotta tell ya, I just don't get it.
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448. Dad, you can't understand progressive rock
for the first time.
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449. - You gotta keep listening.
- No, I don't.
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450. When you get to be my age, you can
recognize bullshit right out of the gate.
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451. So listen, my boss gave me these tickets
to the game next Sunday.
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452. Corporate seats. You want to go?
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453. Really? Yeah, sure. Thanks, Dad.
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454. - Cool.
- Yeah. It'll be fun.
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455. Dad, I'm real sorry about my grades.
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456. I'm gonna stop goofing off and
make up all my assignments, I swear.
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457. Okay. Good.
That would really make me proud.
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458. And I'm glad you took me
to your job today.
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459. It really opened my eyes.
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460. I shouldn't have called you
"just a baggage handler."
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461. What you do is... remarkable.
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462. Ah...
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463. - Thanks, son.
- I mean, what an awful job you have.
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464. Seriously, watching you just have to stand
there while that lady came down on you,
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465. you were like a human urinal.
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466. - I was— I was embarrassed for you.
- Okay.
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467. I mean, like, the humiliation.
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468. - Your soul must be weeping.
- Got it.
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469. I don't know how
the human spirit can endure that.
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470. She was literally, like,
shoveling her own feces in your mouth.
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471. And you just kept eating it.
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472. - Yeah, you said that already.
- No, I said "urinal."
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473. Anyway, I don't know how you do it.
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474. Day in and day out...
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475. humiliating yourself like that.
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476. Crushing your will
to go on, just to buy me shoes.
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477. And do I ever thank you for it?
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478. No. No, I don't...
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