1. - Heya, fellas!
- Heya, Frank!
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2. Daddy's home! Time for dinner.
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3. I made pigs in blankets.
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4. Oh, my favorite. Thanks, honey.
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5. Dad, do you know anything about magnets?
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6. A buddy from the war has one in his head.
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7. We used to throw paper clips at it.
Does that help you?
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8. Daddy, I got an "A" on my spelling test!
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9. Oh, that's wonderful, princess.
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10. Well, I guess His Royal Highness
has finally decided to join us.
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11. Yeah, I'm high, all right.
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12. All right, guys, dig in.
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13. Oh, so I gotta tell ya,
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14. the funniest thing
happened at work today.
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15. Ed calls a mandatory meeting,
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16. we go to the break room, and he's just
bragging about his new tie.
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17. So then I says to Ed—
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18. Jesus Christ.
I'm not answering that.
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19. Frank, you should answer it.
What if somebody got hurt?
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20. Nobody ever gets hurt at supper,
Susan, OK?
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21. It's always some goddamn salesman,
and I'm not answering it.
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22. Dad, we all know you're gonna answer it.
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23. You don't know a goddamn thing about me.
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24. What if it's important?
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25. I sweated blood at that airport
for 12 hours today,
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26. and what's important to me is I have
just one moment of peace with my family,
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27. enjoying a delicious home-cooked meal.
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28. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not answering it.
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29. Shit.
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30. Murphy residence.
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31. Oh, let me tell you something,
you goddamn son of a bitch.
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32. I don't need a goddamn
engraved family Bible!
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33. You see? You see?
What did I say?
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34. Every goddamn time. I am eating dinner
with my family, young man!
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35. I don't need a $25 Bible
to teach me about God.
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36. I almost bled out in Korea, all right?
I have met God!
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37. What did you just say to me?
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38. Ah, you come down here
and you say that to me like a man!
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39. I swear I'll pull your tongue out
through your goddamn neck!
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40. Why do they have to put
the goddamn things on the wall?
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41. Frank, calm down.
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42. Yeah, "Frank, calm down, calm down."
It's always "Frank, calm down!"
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43. Why's it always me, Susan?
How about a little support? Huh?
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44. Would that kill ya?
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45. So, how was school?
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46. Goddamn punk, calling me at supper.
Huh? Huh?
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47. Won't even come to my door like a man?
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48. Hi, Mr. Murphy.
Can Billy come out and play?
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49. Get the fuck outta here!
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50. And now, back to Colt Luger.
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51. It's time to die, Luger.
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52. Is that so, Boneskull?
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53. Well, I say it's time you took a bath...
in your own blood!
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54. Here it comes. Here it comes.
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55. Oh, he's out of bullets!
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56. Colt, they're gonna kill us!
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57. They'll try, Sweet Cakes.
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58. But what can you do?
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59. Sometimes a man's gotta do...
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60. - ... what a man does.
- What a man does.
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61. See? You see that?
That right there, that is a man.
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62. - That is a stunt man.
- What was that?
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63. - Nothing.
- That's enough, Kevin.
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64. Your father already had his dinner ruined,
don't you ruin his favorite show.
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65. It's one of his few joys in life.
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66. Colt Luger will return
after these messages.
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67. Ah, shit, commercials.
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68. It's the heavyweight boxing event
of the decade.
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69. Haywood "Big Skillet" Shavers defends
his title against Irish Mickey Ireland,
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70. out to avenge his heartbreaking loss,
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71. forever known now
as "The Bleedin' in Sweden!"
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72. The slaughter starts at nine,
on Sunday Bloody Sunday!
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73. Right after an all new
There's a Fairy On My Shoulder.
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74. That's my guy!
That's my guy, Irish Mickey.
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75. He would've beat Shavers the last time,
but lost on a technicality
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76. 'cause the ref thought he was
bleeding too much, which he wasn't.
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77. He lost because he was drunk.
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78. Hey, Sue, I gotta have
everybody over to watch this.
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79. Some food, some beer. I'll throw
one of my "Frank's Famous Fight Parties"
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80. - for the whole neighborhood.
- That's a great idea.
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81. I know.
You better start cooking, good looking.
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82. Can I watch the fight too?
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83. No. This is gonna be a grown-up party,
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84. so you kids are gonna
have to stay in your rooms.
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85. Close the door and lock 'em.
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86. Oh, this is gonna be fun, Sue.
I mean, this is gonna be big.
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87. You can put my chair right in the middle
of the room, right in front of the TV.
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88. Get some that good bottled beer.
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89. And make that "Frank's Special Chip Dip."
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90. You know, with cream cheese
and chili in a can?
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91. And those fancy potato chips
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92. that come in a tin!
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93. We can use it as a garbage can after!
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94. And maybe some...
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95. Those... those deviled eggs?
Can you make some of those?
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96. Yeah. Are you gonna stuff the eggs?
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97. - Oh, you're the best, sweet cakes.
- Stuff 'em!
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98. - Stuff 'em!
- You're the best! Oh!
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99. Oh, you're the best!
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100. Have fun! Come home
when the streetlights come on!
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101. Don't go playing with those dirty kids
down the end of the block.
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102. - They probably have chiggers!
- We won't!
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103. What do you want to do?
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104. We found a rusty lawn mower in the woods.
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105. Dare you to lick it.
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106. How much will you give me?
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107. Hey, you stay away from that loose girl
down on River Street.
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108. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.
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109. - We're not doing anything.
- Neither was I.
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110. That's how you got here!
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111. That's a fine boy you got there, Frank.
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112. Ah, he's a fuckin' animal.
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113. yes.
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114. Magnetic attraction has many properties.
Actually, too many to mention.
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115. What the hell are you doing?
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116. Tastes like Momma's gun.
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117. Give it back, Kenny!
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118. Oh, you'll never get it now.
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119. Bite down hard, Ken!
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120. Oh, man, that's the Nazi's house.
He's gonna kill me!
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121. Who's a Nazi, Ben?
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122. You know, that German guy
in that there house.
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123. Kids all say he's Hitler's little brother.
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124. Yeah, yeah, and he hunts down kids.
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125. Shut up, he's gonna hear you!
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126. Well, hello.
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127. Do you need some help?
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128. No, I'm OK.
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129. Oh, please, it is my pleasure.
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130. It's OK, I got it.
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131. He almost got you!
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132. You see that number on his arm?
That's how many people he's killed.
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133. It's a scoreboard!
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134. Have a wonderful day, children!
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135. Oh, it is gonna be
one hell of a fight party.
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136. Sue is going all out.
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137. She's making those deviled eggs you like.
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138. She's got the Rice Krispies
with the toothpick things in there.
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139. All right? We got plenty of booze.
Everyone's coming.
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140. - Everybody's getting loaded.
- I can bring a Jell-O loaf!
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141. Jell-O? Babe, this is a fight,
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142. not a party for someone
with stomach cancer.
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143. Yeah, the thing is, actually, it's—
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144. It's a little delicate, but uh...
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145. we've already been invited
to watch the fight over at, uh...
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146. at Vic's.
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147. Vic's? Wait, we always
watch the fight at my house.
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148. I am the fight host on this block!
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149. And why the hell would you want
to hang out with that guy anyways? Huh?
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150. What, do you like his hair,
and his car, acting all Hollywood?
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151. You can't see through
that phony positivity?
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152. "Hey, guys! You need some help?
Oh, have a great day!"
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153. Fucking asshole. Last time,
I'm walking with my wife, my woman,
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154. he's got the nerve to go,
"Hey, Frank, you're a lucky man."
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155. "Lucky man"?
Luck had nothing to do with it, punk!
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156. Hey, Frank, take it easy, take it easy.
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157. Nothing against you,
we just kind of like him.
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158. - For one thing, he smells great.
- He's got you there, Frank.
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159. Ah, Christ. Here he comes.
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160. Hola, amigos!
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161. - Just the men I want to see.
- Mm...
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162. Would you look at that jerk,
carrying on like he's a goddamn astronaut.
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163. Probably has the clap.
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164. Kitty Kat, make me some mac and chee.
Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.
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165. Hey, so how about that fight?
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166. Big Skillet's gonna kill
that pasty booze-bag.
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167. Hey, where's your loyalty?
You're white.
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168. So what? Black dudes are cool.
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169. You ever seen one naked?
I do all the time.
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170. Big stars, too.
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171. Oh, yeah? Which ones?
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172. One of the Four Tops was
washing his armpits in the men's room
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173. at the radio station just last week.
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174. He was the main one, I think.
We made eye contact.
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175. Good guy.
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176. Hey, Frank, it'd be righteous if you
joined us to watch the fight at my house.
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177. Thirty-two inches of living color.
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178. Thirty-two inches?
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179. - That's pretty big.
- Up here, Babe.
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180. Well, thanks, but you're a little late.
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181. Everyone in the neighborhood
is coming over to watch the fight
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182. on my new color set.
It's 33 inches.
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183. They make 'em that size?
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184. - They do for me.
- Out of sight.
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185. You got it all going on.
I bet you're digging the skin you're in.
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186. You bet your ass I am.
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187. Hey, Vic! It's hot.
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188. About to get hotter. See ya, fellas!
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189. Eh, Frank, I look through your window
every night. I've never seen a color TV.
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190. - It's great that you got one!
- Yeah. I was gonna surprise you.
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191. Well, it's gonna be one hell of a party.
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192. Frank got himself a new color TV!
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193. - It's 33 inches!
- Oh, that's wunderbar!
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194. Oh, shit.
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195. That was bitchin'!
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196. Ew...
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197. - My turn!
- Hold your balls!
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198. - Look out...
- ... below!
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199. Oh, he's gone too far.
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200. What the shit was that?
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201. Oh, my God, big kids! Run!
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202. Hiya, Jimmy.
Sorry about your house.
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203. It's not my house, shit stain.
It's my clubhouse.
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204. And I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.
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205. Huh?
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206. Little pussy! Get back here, Murphy,
and let me fuckin' kill you!
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207. Frank, why did you do that?
We can't afford a big color TV.
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208. Well, I can't afford
not to have one now.
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209. Things were said in that driveway
that cannot be unsaid.
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210. This is all the money
we have saved in the world.
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211. It's Kevin's college fund.
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212. Come on, Sue. We both know
Kevin's not going to college.
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213. That's not the point.
I just wish you'd told me.
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214. All I'm saying is you don't get to make
big financial decisions like this
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215. - by yourself.
- Then agree with me.
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216. That way we both decided together.
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217. OK. All I ask is that we stay
within our budget.
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218. Absolutely. We will not
spend one more dime than—
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219. Sweet Jesus.
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220. I see you know your TVs.
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221. This is the Sonabishi Color Plex here.
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222. It is the biggest and
heaviest television on the market.
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223. Mm, this varnish. It's so decadent.
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224. It was hand-rubbed in Korea.
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225. Huh.
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226. - Wow.
- We don't have that much cash.
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227. We're $50 short.
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228. I know, but I need this, Sue.
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229. Oh, I need this.
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230. You know, I'll tell you what.
We could finance that last $50
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231. 26 percent.
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232. Sold.
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233. - Come on, just touch it a little.
- No.
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234. - I won't tell anybody.
- No.
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235. - Then let me touch you.
- No.
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236. Come on, you're so pretty
and you're so cool,
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237. and I really like you,
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238. and you're the only one
I want to touch it.
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239. All right, but only over your pants.
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240. Oh, thank you so much.
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241. Kevin! Billy's getting killed
by some big kids!
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242. Now? Son of a bitch!
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243. Ow!
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244. Cut it out! This isn't funny anymore!
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245. Leave me alone, you jerks!
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246. Please!
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247. - Yeah!
- Stop it!
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248. Oh, I'm gonna be a cop!
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249. - Ouch!
- Jimmy!
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250. Shit, it's Kevin Murphy!
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251. Oh, hey, Kevin.
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252. Oh, man!
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253. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
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254. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
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255. Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man!
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256. Thanks, Kevin.
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257. Oh!
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258. Kids, this right here is an example
of what can be yours
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259. if you're willing to work hard
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260. and go the extra mile to give your family
the nice things in life.
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261. You are not to touch this
unless I say so,
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262. and I am never gonna say so.
Is that understood?
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263. - OK.
- Yes.
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264. Good. Now go to bed.
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265. Are you ready?
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266. We did it, Sue. We made it.
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267. Pull the knob.
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268. This is the ABS Evening News.
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269. You're not exactly Joe Namath yourself!
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270. No, Your Honor,
the defense does not rest.
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271. Evel Knievel.
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272. yes.
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273. Good morning. Channel Nine
begins its broadcast day with What It Is?
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274. A discussion of today's issues facing
today's black community, today.
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275. With your host, Jim Jeffords.
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276. A happy Sunday to all.
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277. So how do you people feel
about these election results?
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278. I mean, now that the Civil Rights era has
drawn to a close and we're all equal now.
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279. You know, not that you're going to be
marrying my daughter or anything.
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280. You have an interesting way
of phrasing things, Mr. Jeffords.
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281. Thank you, Ms. Unchacka.
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282. It wasn't a compliment.
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283. It's The Nickel and Pickle Show!
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284. In col—!
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285. Huh?
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286. No, no, no, no, no!
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287. What the hell are you doing?
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288. I put the magnet on the TV
and now I can't make it go back!
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289. See? This is what
doing your homework gets you.
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290. All right, pretend to be asleep.
You were never there. It'll be fine.
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291. What the hell?
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292. What the hell?
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293. Ah, you got to be shittin' me! Susan!
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294. - Frank, what is it?
- What the hell?
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295. What happened to it?
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296. - It was like this when I woke up!
- Maybe you watched it too long!
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297. Oh, for Christ's sake, I didn't
watch it too long! It's brand new!
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298. Well, did you pour water down it?
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299. - No, I didn't pour water down it!
- Don't yell at me!
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300. - You're undermining me!
- No, I'm not!
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301. - The hell you're not!
- I'm not!
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302. Why the fuck would
I pour water down it?
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303. - What is it?
- You're on the side of the TV!
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304. No one is on the side of the TV.
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305. How could this happen?
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306. I know what happened.
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307. - I know exactly what happened here.
- Play dead or you will be.
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308. That slick son of a bitch
down at the TV store sold me a lemon!
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309. Oh, you're so lucky.
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310. Goddamn Korean-rubbed piece of shit.
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311. Major, you're not going anywhere.
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312. Get back inside, you stupid maniac!
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313. You need some help, Frank?
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314. - Everything's fine.
- His new TV's on the fritz!
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315. - Goddamn it, Goomer.
- Well, let me help you out, buddy!
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316. Hold that thought.
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317. - I like your shorts.
- I know.
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318. One, two, three, lift!
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319. All right. Here we go.
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320. Keep on truckin', chief.
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321. I'll be back in a second.
I have to go burn this shirt.
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322. Feminist Focus,
with your host, Jim Jeffords.
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323. Thank you for joining us, ladies.
May I say, you all look super hot.
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324. You ever think people would listen to your
opinions more if you brushed your hair?
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325. You—
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326. There you have it. A lemon.
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327. So, uh... how we gonna do this?
Refund, new set?
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328. So what happened here?
Pour water down the back?
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329. Why do people keep asking me that?
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330. Why on earth would I pour water
down the back of my own television set?
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331. - OK, look, sir—
- You call me "sir" like you mean it.
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332. This TV worked perfectly when it left
the store, so we're not responsible.
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333. Not responsible?
I spent $640 on this thing.
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334. Then you should've sprung the extra five
on the warranty.
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335. Let me tell you something,
you goddamn son of a bitch.
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336. - Now, Frank—
- "Now Frank, now Frank" nothing!
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337. I am gonna speak!
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338. You think you can put on slacks
and talk to a grown man like that?
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339. Well, do ya?
This is not how business is done.
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340. I am a customer of this store
of long standing.
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341. I bought a radio back here
when there was no TV
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342. and you, sir,
were still in your dad's balls!
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343. Now I have been wronged
in this transaction! Get off of me!
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344. I have been wronged in this transaction
and I have 14 people,
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345. an entire cul-de-sac,
coming to my home tonight
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346. to watch the fight
on my color television!
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347. So you need to rectify this situation!
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348. Now what do you plan on doing about it?
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349. Tell you what I can do.
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350. I'll hold the door open for you
so you can carry it back to the car.
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351. Maybe you should've gotten the warranty.
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352. If they didn't sell us a lemon
and you didn't break it, then who did?
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353. Oh, Sue, I don't know who—
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354. Those fuckin' animals.
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355. You kids either really think I'm dumb,
or you don't respect me.
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356. - Or both.
- Thanks, honey, I got this.
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357. That TV was fine when it left the store,
and I sure as hell didn't break it!
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358. - Now one of you did!
- And whoever it was,
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359. I want you to know that thanks to you,
your father went to that TV store
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360. - and made a fool of himself.
- Oh, OK, Sue, thank you.
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361. No, they need to hear this.
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362. Your poor father made himself
look like a lunatic because of you.
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363. - Jesus Christ, Sue.
- And now,
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364. he has to watch the fight at Vic's while
the whole neighborhood laughs at him!
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365. They got it! Nobody is leaving this couch
until I know who did this.
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366. - Did you break my TV?
- It wasn't me, Daddy.
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367. Ah, I know it wasn't, princess.
You can go.
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368. - Can you give me a quarter for ice cream?
- I don't have one.
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369. - Did you break my TV?
- No.
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370. - Did you break my TV?
- No.
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371. - Did he break my TV?
- No.
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372. - Did he break my TV?
- No.
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373. - Who broke my TV?
- We don't know.
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374. One of you is a liar.
Are you a liar?
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375. - Didn't do it!
- All right.
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376. So that's how it's gonna be?
Very well.
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377. We will sit here all day
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378. until one of you respects us enough
to tell the truth.
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379. - Dad—
- I did it. I broke your new TV.
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380. - You did?
- Yeah, it was me.
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381. Ah-ha! I knew it! How?
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382. I poured water down it.
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383. Poured water— Why the hell
would you pour water down it?
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384. I'll tell you why.
'Cause you got no respect, that's why.
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385. Oh, yeah? Well guess what, genius?
I didn't do it!
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386. You didn't? Then why the hell
would you tell me you did?
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387. Because I fucking hate you!
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388. Frank?
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389. You have something you want to tell me?
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390. I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean it.
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391. I can't look at you right now.
I might kill you.
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392. It's not so much that you broke my TV.
It's that you lied to me.
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393. We are taking you
right down to that store,
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394. and you are gonna
march right up to that salesman
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395. and apologize for what you did,
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396. and for making your father
humiliate himself.
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397. There were so many people we knew
in that store.
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398. Oh, Sue, for the love of Christ!
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399. So I kicked the guy's ass,
jumped into my car,
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400. and I got to the Civic right as Grand Funk
was taking the stage. It was insane.
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401. Just another page
out of my life journey.
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402. Did a bum shit in your mouth?
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403. - Can I help you?
- Um, my dad told me to...
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404. I know who your old man is. That's the guy
who poured water in the Sonabishi.
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405. He didn't pour water in it.
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406. He sent you here to give me the sob story?
Too chicken to face me, huh?
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407. He's not chicken. I just—
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408. Nice old man you got there,
sending a kid to bitch and moan for him.
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409. Unbelievable. Now get outta here.
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410. Go tell your dad
he's a bigger punk than I thought.
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411. Or just stand there pissing yourself,
makes no difference to me.
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412. Did I tell you how the Army didn't take me
because they said my dick was too big?
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413. I mean, I can't help it.
I can't help what I got.
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414. Not complaining about it, but really
wanted to fight for our country.
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415. Hey, Luger!
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416. You're one dead gringo.
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417. Oh, is that so, Escobar?
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418. Sí. Are you going to run, or do you got
the cajones to stand and fight?
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419. Well, sometimes a man's gotta do...
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420. - what a man does.
- What a man does.
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421. Ay, Chihuahua!
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422. I ain't buying this piece of shit.
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423. What the fuck is this?
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424. Jesus, Chuck, what in the hell
is wrong with all these TVs?
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425. I don't know, Dad. We never
had a problem with these before.
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426. Well, we sure as shit do now!
I mean, Christ, they're all defective!
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427. Pull the receipts
of everyone we sold these to.
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428. Uh, excuse me, sir.
My dad bought one of those.
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429. The Pattonhouse is a better model.
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430. The Sonabishi is good, but we must've
got a bad bunch from overseas.
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431. Those Orientals don't do good work.
Their hands are too small.
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432. Again, my apologies
for the defective product.
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433. And...
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434. Sorry I raised my voice to you, sir.
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435. Uh... OK. Thank you.
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436. - What happened in there?
- Well—
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437. I know what happened.
I know exactly what happened.
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438. I finally won one! I won!
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439. You hear that, world?
Frank Murphy's not a loser!
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440. Frank Murphy's a wi—
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441. Whoa! Watch it!
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442. Ha-ha! Those Koreans'll never kill me!
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443. And the fighters
are approaching the ring!
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444. You can cut the excitement with a knife!
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445. Hey, here we go, here we go!
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446. Shavers and Ireland
meet in the center of the ring
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447. for the traditional greeting.
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448. There's something kind of red there
on Mickey's face.
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449. Oh, my God, is he bleeding already?
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450. I'll tell you, Ernie,
he was wearing a turtleneck earlier.
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451. Those are tough to get off
at this altitude.
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452. Hey, your hero Vic
is over there watching it alone.
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453. Some party.
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454. We don't hold out many hopes
for the challenger tonight,
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455. - but he keeps on coming.
- Yeah, poor guy.
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456. - Hey, where do you think you're going?
- Uh...
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457. - Finish my science project.
- No, you're not.
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458. Come over here and watch the fight
with the rest of the men.
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459. - Really?
- Yeah, really.
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460. OK, here we go! Here we go!
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461. One sip. Don't tell your mother.
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462. Oh, no, they gotta stop this.
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463. That's it, Mickey, that's it,
let him punch himself out!
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464. And there goes the mouthpiece!
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465. Oh, it's gonna be a long and painful
night for the Irishman!
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466. Ah, shit.
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467. Does it ever fail?
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468. Just answer it.
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469. Goddamn it.
This better be good.
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470. He's dead?
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471. OK. Yeah, of course.
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472. Of course, yeah.
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473. - Who died?
- My boss, Ed.
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474. There was an accident at the airport.
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475. Oh, my God, are you serious?
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476. They want me to come in early tomorrow
to cover his shift.
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477. Sue, I think I just
got promoted to management.
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478. I think you did, too.
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479. You know what? I think our luck
is finally turning around.
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480. Jesus, Frank, a man is dead.
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481. - Yeah, but he was kind of a dick.
- Frank!
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482. You know, if this had happened a week
ago, we could've got a bigger TV.
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483. - Frank!
- Guys, I'm trying to sleep!
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484. Then close your eyes
and shut the fuck up!
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