1. Look at the stash
this Fitzsimmons kid had.Copy !req
2. Lucky bastard.Copy !req
3. I had to jerk off to the Indian girl
on the butter box.Copy !req
4. We won't be taking any legal action.Copy !req
5. He said it was an accident,
and I'm inclined to believe him.Copy !req
6. He seems like a good boy,
unlike your other son.Copy !req
7. Thank you, sir.
You hear that, you jackals?Copy !req
8. The man with the badge said it. This
five-alarm fire was not the boy's fault!Copy !req
9. The witch hunt is over!
My son is innocent!Copy !req
10. What the fuck did you do,
you pyromaniac?Copy !req
11. It was an accident!Copy !req
12. An accident is clipping a guy
changing his tire on the interstateCopy !req
13. who was wearing dark clothes
and he didn't light a flare.Copy !req
14. Then it turns out he's a cop,
so it'll be his word against yours,Copy !req
15. and who do you think the judge
is gonna believe? Huh?Copy !req
16. So you keep going, and you get your fender
painted in a different state.Copy !req
17. That is an accident!Copy !req
18. OK! I wanted to prove you were wrong
when you called me a little pussy.Copy !req
19. I— I never said that!Copy !req
20. How did he hear you say that?Copy !req
21. I can't find the dog anywhere!Copy !req
22. I think he ran away
when the fireworks exploded!Copy !req
23. Ah, Jesus. Oh, no, buddy...Copy !req
24. Oh, so help me God,
if I started building walls todayCopy !req
25. and didn't stop for the next ten years,
there still wouldn't be enough of themCopy !req
26. - to fucking put you through!
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.Copy !req
27. We're all forgetting something
very important.Copy !req
28. I am now the good son.Copy !req
29. Deal with it.Copy !req
30. Hey, make yourself useful.
Go light your brother's cape on fire.Copy !req
31. Rosie, you have every reason
to be mad at me.Copy !req
32. But we're down to the wire now.Copy !req
33. We both know if you guys strike
at midnight, the airline will not survive.Copy !req
34. Dad, keep it down.
I can't concentrate on my drawing.Copy !req
35. Shut up.Copy !req
36. Pogo is presenting my proposal
to Dunbarton.Copy !req
37. If you can get your guys behind it,Copy !req
38. we can avert the strike
and save all our jobs.Copy !req
39. You happy now?
I just gave the dog two dicks.Copy !req
40. Now someone's gonna bring us
a double-dicked dog!Copy !req
41. Hey!Copy !req
42. Don't talk like that
in front of your sister.Copy !req
43. Ow! I'm outta here anyway.
I have a job to go to.Copy !req
44. Because now I'm the responsible son!Copy !req
45. Oh, shit, I'm an hour late.Copy !req
46. Thanks, Rosie. That means a lot.
I'll see you there.Copy !req
47. 'Tis the day before Christmas!Copy !req
48. I'm so excited. And late.Copy !req
49. - It's OK, Sue.
- No.Copy !req
50. I admit, I've got some catching up to do
as far as the decorating.Copy !req
51. It's only natural.
You've been busy working your job.Copy !req
52. Which I am 100 percent behind.Copy !req
53. I know you are.
I just got a late start, that's all.Copy !req
54. I'll have us ready
for our Christmas party tonight.Copy !req
55. Honey, I really wish I could help you,
but Dunbarton called a meeting.Copy !req
56. It sounds like they're
gonna go for my proposal.Copy !req
57. - That's great.
- Yeah!Copy !req
58. I think we can wrap this up
in the next few hours.Copy !req
59. It's fine, I can get it done.Copy !req
60. Honey, we don't have to do
the party this year.Copy !req
61. Are you kidding me?
This year is more important than ever.Copy !req
62. We have some fence-mending to do
around this neighborhood.Copy !req
63. Speaking of which,
the Petersen's fence burned down.Copy !req
64. Fucking Bill.Copy !req
65. What time does Emperor Nero
have to be at church?Copy !req
66. Father Pat said 11:30.Copy !req
67. Well, he's gonna get there an hour early.
I got shit to do.Copy !req
68. Hey, Bill! Let's go!Copy !req
69. Hey, keep this guy away
from the punch bowl.Copy !req
70. Last year he tried to jump off the roof.Copy !req
71. Hey, Frank!Copy !req
72. Great. Get in the car
and don't touch the cigarette lighter.Copy !req
73. Frankie, I'm having
an outta-sight wing-ding later.Copy !req
74. Love it if you and Suzie-Q could come.
Forecast calls for "snow."Copy !req
75. Really? Goddamn it, I just shoveled.Copy !req
76. The invite stands!
It's gonna be a blast.Copy !req
77. Hot cider, ice skating.Copy !req
78. Some of my dwarf buddies are coming,
they're wild.Copy !req
79. I saw one eat a two-pound steak once!Copy !req
80. Here we are, in you go.Copy !req
81. Why do I have to be an altar boy?Copy !req
82. Ah, 'cause church will set you straight.
It's good for you.Copy !req
83. Then how come you never go?Copy !req
84. Because I already heard those stories
a hundred times.Copy !req
85. Look, if Jesus comes back
and he does some more magical shit,Copy !req
86. I'll come down and listen to that.
Now get in there.Copy !req
87. Stay away from the candles!Copy !req
88. Jesus!Copy !req
89. Jesus! Sorry, Lord.Copy !req
90. - That's OK, no biggie.
- What the fuck?Copy !req
91. I'm just pulling your leg.Copy !req
92. By the way, that's two Hail Marys
for the F-word or you're going to hell.Copy !req
93. I'm Father Pat.
Welcome to the flock.Copy !req
94. You'll be under the guidance
of our head altar boy.Copy !req
95. James! Would you show Bill the ropes?Copy !req
96. Sure thing, Father.
I'll show him the shit outta the ropes.Copy !req
97. Major!Copy !req
98. - You see him, Kenny?
- Nope.Copy !req
99. Just tree candy.Copy !req
100. He's not gonna be in a tree hole, idiot!Copy !req
101. Well, I'm not thinking straight.
My diaper's froze.Copy !req
102. I'm sorry. Let's keep looking.Copy !req
103. If you'd been outside
for two days straight with no foodCopy !req
104. and you were tired and cold,
where would you go?Copy !req
105. I've been outside for two days
with no food.Copy !req
106. I'm going home!Copy !req
107. Mr. Dunbarton.
It's really good to see you again.Copy !req
108. Frank Murphy.
Pogo told me about your proposal.Copy !req
109. It's smart. Real smart.Copy !req
110. - You've made me proud, Frank.
- Thank you, sir.Copy !req
111. My shop steward tells me we have a deal?Copy !req
112. Yes. If you accept
the smaller cost of living increase,Copy !req
113. we won't cut any union jobs.Copy !req
114. We can live with that.Copy !req
115. Fine. Let's draw the contracts up
and get this over with.Copy !req
116. And not a minute too soon.Copy !req
117. I'm due back in Indiana.
Gotta be in Gary by midnight.Copy !req
118. Well, I want to be in Brandy by midnight.Copy !req
119. I'm Brandy!Copy !req
120. And I'm Gary!Copy !req
121. Tonight at eight,
it's A Bing Crosby Family Christmas,Copy !req
122. with Bing and his sons!Copy !req
123. And Bing's special guests, Rich Little
and TV's Colt Luger, Reid Harrison!Copy !req
124. Sometimes a snowman's gotta do
what a snowman does.Copy !req
125. - I'm not a crook!Copy !req
126. One more down.Copy !req
127. Oh! Oh! Oh... Son of a bitch!Copy !req
128. Hey, Sue.
Bite off more than you can chew?Copy !req
129. Yeah, thanks a lot, kid.
Merry Christmas!Copy !req
130. - It's customary to tip.
- Oh, fuck that.Copy !req
131. Well, that's it.Copy !req
132. Another year of selling marked-up trees
to hard-working idiots.Copy !req
133. So, I guess this is where you pay me?Copy !req
134. Oh, no, no, no, you're not done.Copy !req
135. You don't get paid
till all the trees are sold.Copy !req
136. Hey, Doreen, want to come with me?Copy !req
137. I gotta go meet the folks
from Guinness Book of Records.Copy !req
138. It's just a formality.Copy !req
139. They gotta measure and validate
the size of my penis.Copy !req
140. Oh, so the world's biggest asshole
has the world's smallest dick?Copy !req
141. Ah, yeah, if it's so small,
why you driving away from it? Huh?Copy !req
142. Sell those trees!Copy !req
143. What are you smiling about?
Stupid festive dildo.Copy !req
144. So what, your folks make you do this
'cause you torched the woods?Copy !req
145. - Yeah.
- I hear ya.Copy !req
146. I'm here for sticking a pencil
in the milk man's leg.Copy !req
147. Asshole wouldn't give me
heavy cream!Copy !req
148. Can I ask you something?
Why haven't you killed me yet?Copy !req
149. Took a lot of balls
to go psycho like that.Copy !req
150. And I respect the fuck outta balls!Copy !req
151. Hey, keep a look out.Copy !req
152. Hey, that's for the poor.Copy !req
153. So what? I'm poor.Copy !req
154. Take this and keep your mouth shut.Copy !req
155. What do I do with it?Copy !req
156. Just put it in your bra and say,
"Thank you, Jimmy."Copy !req
157. You and me are gonna get along just fine.Copy !req
158. I'm glad we could reach a deal without
resorting to more ungentlemanly means,Copy !req
159. methods or tactics.Copy !req
160. Thankfully, we'll only be using
our shovels for snow this year.Copy !req
161. Well said.Copy !req
162. Since Frank Murphy brokered the agreement,Copy !req
163. we've given him the honor
of distributing the ceremonial pens.Copy !req
164. Can I get a pen, too?Copy !req
165. Oh, no, it's just for those two.
There's only two pens.Copy !req
166. What are you saying?
Brandy isn't good enough to have a pen?Copy !req
167. No, she's great. It's just that she's
not a signatory of this legal document.Copy !req
168. - So she's a common whore, is that right?
- No, that's not what I'm saying.Copy !req
169. - You think she's just my fuck doll?
- Everybody thinks that, but I don't!Copy !req
170. What the hell is going on?Copy !req
171. Yes, come on!
Let's just focus on signing the deal!Copy !req
172. There is no deal!Copy !req
173. Then we are calling this strike right now!Copy !req
174. Go ahead!Copy !req
175. I wouldn't shake the hand of any man
who disrespects my wife!Copy !req
176. I thought that was your daughter.Copy !req
177. You think I'd fuck something
as old as my daughter?Copy !req
178. - I will drown you!
- No, no, no, no! Put that away!Copy !req
179. Tree!Copy !req
180. Nice trees! Want to buy a tree?Copy !req
181. Want to buy a tree for tha—
Trying to be good here, you asshole!Copy !req
182. Help me out!Copy !req
183. Oh, fuck this.Copy !req
184. Hey!Copy !req
185. Ah, shit.Copy !req
186. Oh, don't look at me like that.
These aren't the body of ChristCopy !req
187. till they've been blessed
during transubstantiation.Copy !req
188. Here, take a swig.
Come on, drink it!Copy !req
189. Uh, OK, sure.Copy !req
190. Five minutes, gentlemen.
Biggest show of the year.Copy !req
191. Yes, Father!Copy !req
192. Just gotta warm up a little.Copy !req
193. Wa-wa-wa-water and wine are wonderful.Copy !req
194. He kissed a leper's foot,
don't throw rocks at a whore.Copy !req
195. Leper, whore, whore, whore, whore,
leper, whore.Copy !req
196. Good, he's gone.Copy !req
197. Now listen up.
Tonight, during the sermon,Copy !req
198. we're gonna come back here and break into
this safe and get us some gold chalices.Copy !req
199. What? Uh, I don't think—Copy !req
200. The combination is written down here
somewhere. Help me find it.Copy !req
201. I don't want to do this.Copy !req
202. I don't want to beat the fuck outta you,
either, but I will if you don't help me.Copy !req
203. You can do what you want,
but I'm not doing it.Copy !req
204. - Do it!
- Ow! No!Copy !req
205. You soiled my surplice,
you fucking catamite!Copy !req
206. Oh, shit.Copy !req
207. Please, gentlemen,
there's still plenty of time to talk.Copy !req
208. Talking is over!
This union is on strike!Copy !req
209. I'll replace you all in an eye blink!Copy !req
210. I have a dozen scabs ready to go!Copy !req
211. You have a dozen scabs
on your titties, fat boy!Copy !req
212. A low of 27 tonightCopy !req
213. with flurries on Christmas Day.Copy !req
214. Music of the season continues now.Copy !req
215. Ah, shit.Copy !req
216. - Yeah. Oh, you like that?
- God, yeah!Copy !req
217. What the fuck?Copy !req
218. How's it going, Frank?Copy !req
219. Why is there a person and a half
fucking on the hood of my car?Copy !req
220. Because he's a man, Frank.Copy !req
221. A man named Skee-Ball.Copy !req
222. A man with desires,
just like you and me.Copy !req
223. But the only job society lets him have
is playing an elf at the mall.Copy !req
224. Or the occasional cookie commercial.Copy !req
225. Frank, this man earned this.Copy !req
226. Let him fuck on your car.Copy !req
227. Thanks, Vic. You get me.Copy !req
228. But I wanna know who's gonna pay for
the tiny ass dent on the hood of my car.Copy !req
229. It's all good, man.Copy !req
230. No, it's not, Vic. It's not all good!Copy !req
231. Sue?Copy !req
232. Ah, Christ.Copy !req
233. That's all I get from you?Copy !req
234. As hard as I've been working all day
for the party?Copy !req
235. Oh, what party? There is no party!
We're on strike!Copy !req
236. - What?
- It's a long story. We were gonna sign!Copy !req
237. There were fancy pens!Copy !req
238. He's got a trophy wife, they were shiny.
It all fell apart!Copy !req
239. We can't let it ruin Christmas!Copy !req
240. Christmas? This is the real world, Susan!Copy !req
241. If this doesn't work out, next year
we'll be having Christmas on Skid Row!Copy !req
242. Keep your voice down! We have to put on
a brave face for the kids.Copy !req
243. The kids? Who, the flunky? The pyro?Copy !req
244. Mr. Fucking Coconut? Face it, Sue.Copy !req
245. Our family is pretty fucked up!Copy !req
246. How dare you say that!Copy !req
247. Dad, I need 20 bucks so I can
tell my boss I sold these trees.Copy !req
248. And 50 bucks to fix a guy's windshield.Copy !req
249. Exhibit A!Copy !req
250. I looked everywhere
and I still can't find Major!Copy !req
251. What if he's dead?Copy !req
252. Oh, then he's the lucky one!Copy !req
253. Frank Murphy, you stop that right now!Copy !req
254. Honey, he didn't mean that.Copy !req
255. Seriously, Dad, I need that money.
That guy said he might sue you.Copy !req
256. Well, he'd better do it quick.Copy !req
257. Jimmy Fitzsimmons is coming to kill me!Copy !req
258. Oh, there you go, perfect!Copy !req
259. Let's just bring
all the bad news at once! Whoo!Copy !req
260. Come on, Santa, my mouth's wide open!Copy !req
261. Fly up on the roof and shit down my neck!Copy !req
262. Hey! Murphy!Copy !req
263. Where is the little shit who hurt my son?Copy !req
264. Great.Copy !req
265. - Can I help you?
- Your kid almost killed my kid.Copy !req
266. Little prick looks OK to me.Copy !req
267. He tried to get my son to rob the church!Copy !req
268. - That's not true!
- Yes, it is, you liar!Copy !req
269. Leave Bill alone, piss breath!Copy !req
270. It's not my fault! I have a dead tooth!Copy !req
271. - Go away, Jimmy!
- She tried to gouge my eyes out!Copy !req
272. Christ, are all your kids psycho?Copy !req
273. Hey! Hey! Nobody calls
one of my kids a psycho except me!Copy !req
274. - Thanks, Dad.
- Shut up!Copy !req
275. You are way outta line coming over
to my house and insulting my family.Copy !req
276. - You owe us all an apology.
- Ooh! "Apology!" Somebody went to college.Copy !req
277. I didn't go to college, I went to Korea.Copy !req
278. You should've stayed there,
you piece of shit!Copy !req
279. - Watch your mouth.
- Mind your own business,Copy !req
280. you fucking nosey bi—Copy !req
281. Hey!Copy !req
282. Goddamn it!Copy !req
283. Oh!Copy !req
284. Skee-Ball, no!Copy !req
285. Jesus, Sue!Copy !req
286. Get the fuck off my lawn!Copy !req
287. Your whole family's crazy!Copy !req
288. I've got the best family
in this whole goddamn town!Copy !req
289. And don't you ever come back!Copy !req
290. You mean that about us?Copy !req
291. You're damn right, I do.Copy !req
292. - You all right, champ?
- Fine.Copy !req
293. Jesus Christ, I'm outta shape.Copy !req
294. - Thanks, Dad.
- OK, all right, all right.Copy !req
295. There's dwarves watching.Copy !req
296. - We got some good kids.
- They're OK.Copy !req
297. Major!Copy !req
298. Look who I f—Copy !req
299. Major, I missed you so much!Copy !req
300. Oh, there you are, boy!
You're home!Copy !req
301. And you're still just as fat.
What've you been eating?Copy !req
302. Well, I guess I should be going.Copy !req
303. Ah, get back in here, you lonely old
bastard! Come on, we're having a party!Copy !req
304. This is a special report
from Channel Nine News.Copy !req
305. I won't be home for Christmas?Copy !req
306. That's the sad story here
at Rustbelt Memorial Airport,Copy !req
307. where the striking baggage handlers of
Mohican Airways have grounded all flights.Copy !req
308. There seems to be no solution in sightCopy !req
309. as management has taken a firm stance
against the union.Copy !req
310. - You should all be shot!
- Dad, your friend's on TV.Copy !req
311. Nah, nah, nah, that's just my boss,
not my friend.Copy !req
312. You gotta go down there, don't you?Copy !req
313. If I don't, it's just gonna get worse.Copy !req
314. OK, you go do what you gotta do.
We'll be here for you.Copy !req
315. - Get a room.
- Fuck you, get an apartment.Copy !req
316. on Christmas Day!
Mohican brave, noble savage,Copy !req
317. you go carry your own baggage!Copy !req
318. Mohican brave, noble savage...Copy !req
319. Jim, it breaks my heart to see homesick
travelers denied the opportunityCopy !req
320. to go home to their families on Christmas.Copy !req
321. And honestly, I think
it's a gutless play by the union.Copy !req
322. It wasn't long ago
that abandoning your postCopy !req
323. got you put in front of a firing squad.Copy !req
324. Maybe that's why they call it
"the good ol' days."Copy !req
325. - Mr. Dunbarton.
- What do you want?Copy !req
326. Sir, I just left
my wife and kids back home.Copy !req
327. We had a terrible Christmas Eve,
but we stuck together and got through it,Copy !req
328. because that's what a family does.Copy !req
329. And I'd like to think all of us
at Mohican, well, we're a family too.Copy !req
330. Who the fuck told Andy Williams to come?Copy !req
331. Let him speak, Bob.
You have something to say?Copy !req
332. We've gotta get this.Copy !req
333. I know it's a little schmaltzy, but we are
a family and now we need to pull together.Copy !req
334. We were all set to sign that deal today
and avoid this strike.Copy !req
335. But you let it fall apart
because of a pen.Copy !req
336. And your wife,
who some of us thought was your daughter.Copy !req
337. Mr. Dunbarton,
you're the head of this family.Copy !req
338. And only you can pull us together.Copy !req
339. You can stick to your pride and ego,
trust me, I've been there,Copy !req
340. or you can get past all that and
sign the fair contract we all agreed to.Copy !req
341. So what do you say? Sign this deal
and save the Mohican Airways family.Copy !req
342. Murphy, your words are very moving.Copy !req
343. And I think I can find a way to make this
deal work and make me happy.Copy !req
344. Gimme that contract.Copy !req
345. Murphy! Murphy! Murphy! Murphy!Copy !req
346. There you have it.Copy !req
347. A strike ended, a company mended,
a Christmas that's truly splendid.Copy !req
348. Well, this is Jim Jeffords, believing in
miracles again, Channel Nine News.Copy !req
349. If that doesn't win me a Peabody,
I will blow a horse.Copy !req
350. Frank, no one's talked to me
like that in 30 years.Copy !req
351. - Just spoke from the heart, sir.
- Merry Christmas.Copy !req
352. Congratulations, Frank.
Your little sermon saved the airline.Copy !req
353. Ah, thanks, Bob.Copy !req
354. Tell Mr. Dunbarton if there's
anything he needs, I'll do it.Copy !req
355. Well, there is one thing.Copy !req
356. Anything, just name it.Copy !req
357. He needs you to clean out your office.Copy !req
358. - What?
- You're done, Frank.Copy !req
359. He's firing me... on Christmas?Copy !req
360. No, no, he's firing you on Christmas Eve.Copy !req
361. That way you can watch your kids
open the presents you can't afford.Copy !req
362. You blew it, Frank!
You insulted Dunbarton!Copy !req
363. All I did was appeal to his humanity.Copy !req
364. Exactly.Copy !req
365. Bob. I got a family to feed.
What am I gonna do?Copy !req
366. Not my problem, you fucking traitor.Copy !req
367. It was a mistake to promote you anyway.Copy !req
368. You weren't fit for management.Copy !req
369. Happy Holidays.Copy !req
370. Frank, what are you doing?
We're done here.Copy !req
371. - You are, but I'm not.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
372. Not fit for management?
I've been carrying you for three months.Copy !req
373. I just saved the airline,
saved your goddamn job,Copy !req
374. which appears to be
nothing more than eating,Copy !req
375. and you stood by while I got fired?Copy !req
376. Well, fuck you, fuck Dunbarton, and fuck
you, you miserable tub of living shit!Copy !req
377. Hey. Hey, you want these?Copy !req
378. Huh? You want your keys?Copy !req
379. Don't you dare throw them.Copy !req
380. I wouldn't do that to you, Bobby.
They're at your feet.Copy !req
381. You fucker!Copy !req
382. Merry Christmas, Bob.Copy !req
383. You fucker! You're not human!Copy !req
384. You can't leave me here!Copy !req
385. I'll die!Copy !req
386. Vic?Copy !req
387. Hey, neighbor.Copy !req
388. Jesus, Vic, you're gonna freeze to death.Copy !req
389. Oh, I'm not shaking because I'm cold.
You know what I mean?Copy !req
390. Nah, Vic, I never know what you mean.Copy !req
391. Here, here, come here. Take my coat.Copy !req
392. Oh. Thanks, man.
You go on home now.Copy !req
393. Have yourself a Merry Little.Copy !req
394. Vic, I lost my job tonight.Copy !req
395. Fucking Santa, man.Copy !req
396. I don't know how to tell Sue.
Christ, this is gonna kill her.Copy !req
397. No, man, she'll be all right.
She loves you.Copy !req
398. Your kids love you. You'll be OK.Copy !req
399. You guys are solid.Copy !req
400. How would you know that?Copy !req
401. I see you over there, cooking out,
tossing the ball with the boys.Copy !req
402. It's beautiful. You guys are like
a Norman Rockwell painting.Copy !req
403. - You want a bumperooski?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
404. Hey, where's all your guests?Copy !req
405. Oh, Christmas is for family, Frank.Copy !req
406. I'm for the other 364 days of the year.Copy !req
407. I'm, uh, gonna go inside.Copy !req
408. Hey, Vic, um... would you like to join us?Copy !req
409. Oh, yeah,
I could seriously dig that, Frank.Copy !req
410. Better take a reindeer check,
Frankincense.Copy !req
411. This dude and I gotta tangle.Copy !req
412. All right, now, super-freak, party's over.Copy !req
413. Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
414. Hey, slow it down, hot sauce!Copy !req
415. You're on a bad trip, brother!Copy !req
416. Let me talk you down!
Have a little OJ.Copy !req
417. Hey, hey!
I'll rub your hooves!Copy !req
418. Let's talk about it!Copy !req
419. You can do this, Frank.Copy !req
420. No, you can't.Copy !req