1. It— It's the Waffler!
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2. I waffle... your head.
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3. Breakfast any time.
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4. Yes!
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5. Can you please keep it down in there?
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6. - Sorry, Mom.
- All right.
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7. - Sorry about that.
- Jesus, Sue, ever hear of a diaphragm?
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8. Anyway, congratulations.
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9. You're the top Plast-A-Ware neighborhood
sales liaison for September!
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10. Gee, this is so special.
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11. I haven't won anything since my
high school softball team went to State.
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12. Oh, my goodness. Look at this.
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13. What is it?
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14. - It's a telephone answering machine.
- A what?
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15. When you're not home,
the machine will answer the phone
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16. and let the caller leave a message
on cassette tape.
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17. It helps me keep track of my orders.
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18. And it's the official answering machine
of NASA.
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19. Oh, this must've cost a fortune.
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20. Well, you earned it.
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21. - This is so cool.
- Oh, man, it's like we're rich now!
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22. Well, you're all set.
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23. Now you'll never miss a sales call,
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24. which could come in handy
because we might have an opening soon
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25. for a part-time,
level two sales manager.
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26. Level two?
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27. Wow. Really?
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28. It's not definite yet,
but it would be a couple days a week,
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29. and we'd pay you... with money.
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30. That would be wonderful.
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31. But, oh, of course,
I'd have to ask Frank about it.
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32. Of course you would.
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33. I'll keep my ear to the ground
and let you know if the job opens up.
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34. Who knows, maybe someday you might drive
your own lime lady Lincoln!
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35. Oh, your husband seems to like mine.
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36. Hey, Vic, did you park this pimpmobile
in front of my house?
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37. Not me, kemo sabe,
but that color rocks!
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38. It's mine, Frank, and I was just leaving.
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39. Victor?
Look at you, all grown up.
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40. Oh, my sweet Jesus, it's Miss Saunders.
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41. I can't believe my eyes.
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42. You two know each other?
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43. Oh, yeah.
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44. Miss Saunders was my lunch lady
at Eisenhower High.
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45. And he was my special after-school helper.
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46. Remember how we
"cleaned the kitchen"?
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47. Yeah, you "fucked the shit outta me."
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48. Jesus Christ, Vic, show some respect!
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49. Sorry, neighbor, it's not me speaking,
it's my Chi.
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50. Bye, Sue.
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51. Honey, I got some big news for you. Big!
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52. Gather around, kids!
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53. Mr. Dunbarton,
the CEO of Mohican Airways,
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54. awarded your father the "Tie Tack
of Excellence," given only to—
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55. - Mommy won an answering machine.
- A what?
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56. Um...
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57. It's like a robot that answers your phone.
It's nothing, really.
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58. It cost 180 bucks.
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59. Jesus.
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60. Mm, I'm sure they buy them in bulk.
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61. So what were you saying?
I want to hear all about your tie clip.
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62. Tie tack. It's the highest award
given to only a select f—
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63. - Wow, this thing has two tapes!
- How do they do that?
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64. Christ, you people don't even give a shit,
do ya? Let's eat.
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65. I'm a mockery in my own goddamn house.
I might as well go sleep in the basement.
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66. Well, before you do,
I have a little bit of news.
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67. Vivian—
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68. Ah, shit, every time we go to sit down!
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69. I'll tell you right now
I'm not answering it!
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70. You don't have to! The machine will.
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71. Leave a message at the tone.
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72. Here we go, our first message.
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73. what kind of
fucking contraption this is,
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74. but I'm looking for Frank Murphy!
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75. Whoever's hearing this,
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76. you tell Frank that his boss, Bob Pogo,
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77. needs him back at the airport now!
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78. His union pals are staging
a goddamn slow-down!
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79. He promised me he'd put those
baggage donkeys back in their pen!
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80. - What a lovely gift, Sue.
- Hello?
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81. - Hooray for us.
- You tell him to get here now!
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82. Not tomorrow,
not ten minutes from now,
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83. but right goddamn now!
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84. Fucking eczema everywhere.
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85. Yep. I love me a good slow-down.
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86. Man, this is nothing.
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87. Did I ever tell you about
the Slow-Down of '63?
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88. We didn't start it till '64.
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89. What the hell's going on here?
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90. While you're pulling this little stunt,
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91. I've got two plane-loads
of drunk Shriners
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92. and crippled kids in Baggage Claim
screaming at me. Hurry it up!
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93. Bob, my union brothers
are working just as fast
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94. as Mohican Airways has responded
to our request for a new contract.
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95. And to think I once gave you
one of my old suits.
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96. And I appreciated that.
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97. I used it to upholster my couch.
And two chairs.
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98. And with the leftover material,
I made a cover for my pool.
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99. OK, Bob, I'm here. What's going on?
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100. Murphy, you tell these ingrates
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101. that if they don't stop
this illegal slow-down...
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102. I will put them out on the—
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103. Oh, God. I'm in a blood sugar free-fall.
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104. I gotta get a Ring Ding or a Pixy Stix.
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105. Is my foot on the gas pedal?
I got the numbies.
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106. Here you go.
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107. I'm going backwards!
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108. Rosie, come on, man, a slow-down?
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109. It's just gonna make the company
dig their heels in harder.
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110. Oh. Well, did Dunbarton
tell you that at the country club
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111. when you were gargling on his nuts?
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112. Jesus Christ, it was one football game.
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113. Come on, I want to help you guys out.
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114. You want to help?
Tell your buddy Dunbarton this:
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115. if we don't have a fair contract
by midnight on Christmas Eve,
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116. the entire membership of this union
will go on strike.
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117. Christmas is our busiest time,
that'll kill the airline.
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118. You've got some work to do.
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119. And you? You just sit on your ass
and do nothing.
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120. This is good. We can work
on our screenplay for Fuck School.
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121. According to this book I read, somebody's
gotta fuck in the first ten pages.
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122. Stan Steigerwald misses an easy spare!
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123. He just lost the championship!
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124. Oh-ho-ho! You piece of shit!
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125. Dad, I can't concentrate on my homework
when you're screaming at the TV!
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126. This is how I relax!
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127. Blowing a shot like that
can drive a man to drink.
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128. I tell ya, Ern,
I don't like to drink and drive,
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129. but when I have to,
I drink White House beer.
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130. White House beer,
the one draft you won't want to dodge!
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131. Kids, I brought down the costume box.
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132. Yay!
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133. I love Halloween.
It's like Christmas for kids.
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134. - That's the one I want.
- I don't care.
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135. Me and Phillip are gonna
trick-or-treat together.
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136. Nickel and Pickle.
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137. - That's queer.
- You're queer!
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138. God! I'm trying to do better at school
like you want me to,
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139. and I've got two days to finish
this homework or I flunk out!
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140. Then I have to go get some shitty job
at the airport
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141. or sell my body at the bus station.
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142. I can't think in this goddamn house!
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143. I want to suck your blood in space.
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144. Princess, take that off now.
There's no girl astronauts... or vampires.
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145. Women will be astronauts in the future,
sweetie.
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146. Sue, why do you lie to the girl?
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147. Frank, I gotta make some deliveries.
Can you hold down the fort while I'm gone?
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148. Yeah, yep, sure.
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149. Hey! Hey, where you going?
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150. You're just gonna leave me alone
with these animals?
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151. - You leave them with me.
- Yeah, but that's our deal.
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152. You knew what you were getting into
when you let me get into you.
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153. - Gross!
- We are having a private conversation!
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154. You're in the front yard!
I can't work out here, either!
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155. I need a sanctuary for learning!
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156. You're still going?
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157. I think you can handle being a mom
for half an hour.
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158. Ah, Christ.
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159. - Breakfast anytime!
- Cut the shit!
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160. All right, brush your teeth and go to bed.
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161. It's still light out.
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162. We're playing a new game
called "Summer in Alaska."
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163. Come on, let's go.
Let's go, go to bed.
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164. Oh, man, now you're just screwing with me!
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165. Sweet dreams.
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166. Sue, it's Vivian from Plast-A-Ware.
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167. Can you pick up? It's important.
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168. Ah, Christ, she's relentless. Shut up.
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169. This is her husband. Sue isn't home.
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170. Oh, well, hello. How are you?
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171. I'm great. What do you want?
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172. Ah, shit, hang on a sec.
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173. Well, a part-time job
has opened up at Plast-A-Ware,
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174. and I wanted to offer Sue the position.
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175. Tell Sue to call me with her answer,
which I hope is yes!
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176. OK, uh, yeah.
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177. Uh, she-she did mention that to me,
and it, uh, breaks my heart to tell you,
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178. but, uh... she decided to turn it down.
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179. - Really?
- Afraid so.
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180. She said there's no job more important
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181. than being a mother
to three beautiful miracles.
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182. Get back in your room before
I put you through that fucking wall!
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183. Oh. Oh, that's too bad.
She seemed real excited about it.
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184. Yeah, she was just being polite
to an older lady. Her words, not mine.
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185. Hm. So sorry to hear that.
I'll move on to the next candidate.
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186. Yeah, you do that. Bye.
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187. Ah, Christ, who put syrup on the phone?
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188. School is now over for the day.
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189. Have a safe and happy Halloween.
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190. I can't wait to start trick-or-treating!
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191. I hear the Malloys are giving out
full-size candy bars
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192. 'cause last year they gave out
dog biscuits and their house got TP'd.
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193. There's a werewolf!
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194. If I die, tell my mom I touched
the soft spot on my brother's head
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195. when he was a baby.
I think that's why he can't read!
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196. Check it out, I can make this cat
sound like a wolf.
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197. Aw!
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198. That musical kitty was our ticket
outta this shithole.
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199. We was gonna be on Midnight Special.
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200. Oh, I thought we were gonna die
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201. before we got to wear
our Nickel and Pickle costumes.
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202. Costumes?
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203. Hey, Jimmy. I like your costume.
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204. Are you going as a hobo?
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205. These are my Sunday clothes, dick licker!
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206. They're from the Johnny Carson collection!
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207. And trick-or-treating is for femmes!
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208. If I catch you two dressing up tonight,
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209. I'll skin you alive
and make your pelts into a comforter
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210. and I'll fuck your mom on it.
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211. And she'll say, "Ooh, that's the best
pelt-fucking I ever got, Jimmy."
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212. My mom wouldn't do that.
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213. I will gut you!
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214. Yeah, that's it, run away!
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215. I'll be watching!
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216. I know things are strained between us
since I moved into management,
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217. but I'm still one of you,
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218. and I'm gonna make sure
your best interests are represented
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219. at the contract talks.
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220. Did Bob Pogo tell you to say that?
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221. Pogo.
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222. He's so fat, he's gotta use a garden hose
and a hand-mirror to wipe his ass.
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223. - Eh? Am I right?
- You are not right.
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224. He uses extra-soft, double-ply toilet
paper that's in the executive bathroom,
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225. when all we get is the kind
that comes out one square at a time.
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226. And there ain't no divider
between the shitters!
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227. They took a beautiful thing
and made it ugly.
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228. - That sucks!
- OK, OK, OK.
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229. Those are all legitimate grievances.
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230. And I hear you, but the industry
is changing whether we like it or not,
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231. and there has to be compromises
on both sides.
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232. I'm dealing with change in my own life.
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233. For instance, my wife
just got this new answering machine,
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234. and at first I was afraid of it, but now—
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235. - She got a who?
- It's called an answering machine.
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236. It answers the phone for you
and records messages. But my point is—
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237. You mean there's like a little robot
inside that picks up the phone and goes...
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238. Aw, man.
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239. You dumbasses, that's not how it works.
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240. Frank, how does it work?
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241. Good, you're home. Help me put this
cat costume on Major. He's getting bitey.
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242. Do it yourself. I'm not going out tonight.
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243. I don't feel well.
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244. Mm, your forehead's cool.
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245. Take a little nap. After that,
you'll feel like trick-or-treating.
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246. I think I just grew out of it.
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247. Fellas,
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248. we're about to call the answering machine
the astronauts took to the Moon.
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249. OK, when you hear the beep,
leave me a message.
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250. Hello, there.
You are a shit-eating scab turncoat.
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251. It's for Dad!
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252. Yeah, yeah.
It's funny because we're friends.
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253. OK, OK, so then you hang up the phone,
you call back,
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254. and with this little beepy thing,
we can hear your message.
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255. put those baggage donkeys
back in their pen!
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256. Oops.
Went back too far.
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257. It, uh, breaks my heart
to tell you, but, uh...
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258. she decided to turn it down.
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259. - Really?
- Afraid so.
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260. She said there's no job
more important
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261. than being a mother
to three beautiful miracles.
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262. Wow, it records everything you say.
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263. I am dead.
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264. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!
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265. - I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.
- Mister, I can't find my mommy.
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266. Get the fuck outta my way!
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267. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead.
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268. I'm home! Honey?
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269. Are you here?
'Cause we're going out to dinner!
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270. - Oh, boy!
- I'm so sorry to hear that.
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271. I'll move on to the next candidate.
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272. Yeah, you do that. Bye.
Ah, Christ, who put syrup on the phone?
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273. So, uh... you listened to it, huh?
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274. OK, OK, you have
every right to be mad at me.
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275. So it's all right if you need
a few minutes to yourself
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276. before you start making dinner.
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277. That's it, yeah! Sure! Get some air.
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278. I understand. Drive down to the end of
the block and come right back! Of course!
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279. You can't leave me alone with these kids!
I won't survive!
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280. - Ah, Christ.
- Where's Mommy going?
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281. She's supposed to help me
with my Halloween costume.
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282. I...
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283. Halloween.
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284. Ah, shit, they're coming.
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285. They're coming.
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286. Trick-or-treat!
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287. They're coming!
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288. Trick-or-treat.
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289. No!
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290. Just a second! We're not ready yet!
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291. OK, OK, uh, your mom stepped out
for a bit. I am in charge.
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292. But we've got ziti in the oven, and
we're still gonna have a great Halloween.
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293. Hang on!
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294. Does anybody know where your mom
put the candy?
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295. Beats me.
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296. Daddy, I'm gonna be Mr. Coconut!
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297. No, you are not.
Mr. Coconut is a Mister.
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298. If he's a Mister,
why does he have milk inside?
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299. Uh, that's man milk.
Bill, you wear it.
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300. I don't want it.
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301. Do what you want!
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302. Aah!
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303. Just a goddamn minute!
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304. Son of a bitch!
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305. Where the hell is the candy?
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306. - Where'd Mommy go?
- She's out shopping.
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307. - Yeah, for a new husband.
- She is not!
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308. Did she say something to you?
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309. Stupid goddamn kids!
There it is.
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310. Trick-or-treat!
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311. Oh, look at that, Fat Albert.
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312. I'm not wearing a costume.
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313. Well, then you don't get
any fucking candy.
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314. Daddy, the oven made a noise!
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315. All right, I'm coming, I'm coming!
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316. The rest of you,
only one candy per kid.
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317. It's an honor system, got it?
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318. Yes, sir.
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319. How dumb is this guy?
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320. Hey, hey! Put it back!
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321. I hope somebody
puts a razor blade in your apple!
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322. the mystery of the missing mother.
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323. No, no, no, no, no.
Colt Luger is a man.
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324. You are a girl. Take that off.
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325. - Cocksucker.
- What? Where did you hear that?
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326. Oh, right. Hey, when your mother comes
home, don't tell her I use that word.
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327. What if she never comes home?
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328. D'oh, you little cocksucker!
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329. Your brother made me say that!
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330. Trick-or-treat!
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331. Hey, here you go!
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332. Happy Halloween from the Murphalettis.
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333. You're melting my candy!
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334. - You suck!
- Yeah, yeah, arrivederci.
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335. Look, Daddy, I'm Mr. Holtenwasser.
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336. Take that off right now.
Mr. Holtenwasser is not a Nazi.
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337. He's a Satan worshiper.
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338. He is not that either. He is not scary.
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339. He's just a sad old man whose family
was butchered in the war.
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340. Dad, which president
served the shortest term?
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341. - How should I know?
- It's the last question, I gotta get it.
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342. - That's what the library's for.
- Will you give me a ride?
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343. Kevin, are you blind?
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344. Look at all this shit I gotta do
with your mom gone! Take your bike!
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345. - Somebody stole my seat!
- Then walk!
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346. I know you got feet because
they came out of your mother first!
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347. Ah, that's so gross!
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348. Oh, fuck you, I was there!
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349. Who needs ziti? Dinner is served.
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350. Take that off. We'll both go to hell.
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351. Can I be Nazi Jesus?
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352. What is wrong with you?
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353. You said I can't be Mr. Coconut,
and the girl costumes aren't fun.
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354. OK. Fine.
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355. If it means that much to you,
you can be a coconut.
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356. Mr. Coconut.
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357. Mr. Coconut. Is that your mother?
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358. How do I look? How do I look?
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359. Heya, Frank. Did you think I was Sue?
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360. Bill's faking sick and I want candy.
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361. I'm going trick-or-treating now.
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362. OK, get in the car.
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363. I'm gonna take you
to an even better neighborhood.
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364. Yay!
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365. - Where are we going?
- I'll tell you when we get there.
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366. Happy Halloween! Sorry.
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367. Stupid Dad.
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368. If I ever have kids, I'm gonna
drive 'em to the library all the time.
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369. What the fuck?
You almost hit me, you douchebag!
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370. That's the point!
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371. Come on up!
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372. Uh, I can't, man.
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373. I— I have to get this last stupid
history question or I flunk out.
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374. Screw that. Join us.
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375. We're doing pumpkin hits!
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376. 'Tis the season!
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377. Fuck it.
Hey, don't bogart that gourd!
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378. Hey, check it!
Let's go up to that house.
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379. Bonfiglio residence.
Phillip Bonfiglio speaking.
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380. Hey. Jimmy's a jerk.
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381. I know. I wish he was dead.
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382. I'm gonna be 12 next summer.
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383. This might be my last Halloween as a kid
and we can't let some jerk ruin it.
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384. But what can we do?
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385. We should go out
and trick-or-treat anyway.
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386. We'll just do a couple streets,
and then we'll run back home.
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387. - What if he sees us?
- He's not gonna see us.
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388. It's dark and we'll be
wearing costumes. OK?
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389. OK. Are you sure?
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390. Yeah. Get your costume on.
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391. I warned you about wearing a costume!
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392. Can I go trick-or-treating now?
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393. Pretty soon, sweetheart,
but first we're gonna play a new game.
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394. It's called "Look for cars
that look like Mom's car."
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395. This is worse than "Summer in Alaska."
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396. Look, Jimmy, I just wanted to get
a little trick-or-treating in, that's all.
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397. You understand, right?
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398. Aw, you pickle pussy!
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399. Pickle pussy! Pickle pussy!
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400. Ow! Stop it! Ow!
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401. That hurts!
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402. - Ah!
- Whoo-hoo!
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403. Look at me, I'm Haystacks Calhoun!
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404. Oh, man, he's flat. I think I killed him!
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405. - There's no blood.
- Must've killed that, too.
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406. He got away!
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407. You better stay in your house forever,
Murphy!
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408. If you ever set foot outside again,
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409. I will fucking mutilate you!
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410. Fucking asshole!
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411. All right, let's go.
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412. You're the man, Jimmy.
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413. I know. It's a lot of pressure.
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414. Daddy, where is this great
trick-or-treat neighborhood?
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415. Ah, it's around here somewhere.
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416. Goddamn it!
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417. Whoa!
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418. Shit, Murph, that was your dad's car!
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419. I know!
I threw it, and then it hit it.
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420. Whoever ruined my paint job
is lucky my wife just left me or I'd...
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421. Has anybody seen her? Huh?
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422. I gotta get to the stupid library
before it closes.
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423. I still have to answer
that fucking history question.
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424. I know history. History of drugs.
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425. Uh, what's the question?
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426. What president served the shortest term?
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427. William Henry Harrison, 31 days.
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428. How the hell do you know that?
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429. It's presidential trivia.
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430. It's on the label
of every bottle of White House beer.
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431. Homework done. I'm a fucking genius.
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432. It's around here somewhere.
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433. This is where Mommy buys macramé yarn.
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434. Exactly.
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435. Shit.
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436. You're not taking me trick-or-treating!
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437. You're looking for Mommy!
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438. OK, sweetheart.
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439. Uh, when we find Mommy
and you tell her to forgive me,
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440. then you can go trick-or-treat.
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441. And if it's too late,
I'll go by the grocery store
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442. and I'll get you
all the candy you want, OK?
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443. It's not the same.
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444. You're right, you're right, I know.
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445. Let's just find Mom first.
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446. Well, that's either your mother
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447. or Boog Powell.
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448. Hey. Still mad at me?
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449. OK. Look, I just want you to know
that I know this is,
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450. this is definitely the worst thing
I ever did to you.
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451. Except for that thing in Harrisburg,
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452. which I'm now realizing
I never told you about.
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453. But I'm not apologizing for that,
I'm talking about this.
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454. Look, I got upset. Maybe I overreacted
a little bit to things changing.
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455. And I just want to say I'm sorry.
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456. Nice rip.
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457. I'm just really, really sorry.
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458. OK?
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459. Does, uh, does that make it better?
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460. We, uh, we good now?
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461. No, Frank. Those are just words.
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462. They don't mean anything
unless you back 'em up.
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463. Look... I love you, and I love the kids,
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464. but I need more... for myself.
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465. - Oh, Jesus.
- What was that?
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466. Nothing, nothing.
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467. When Vivian mentioned that job,
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468. my first thought
was what your reaction would be.
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469. I didn't consider what I wanted.
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470. It made me think,
"How did I become this person?"
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471. So I called her tonight
and I took that job.
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472. I start next week,
and you need to be OK with that.
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473. Wow. OK, uh...
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474. Yes. I'm OK with it.
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475. Good.
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476. Hi, Bill. I'm glad you're feeling better.
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477. It's me, Mommy!
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478. Maureen? Hi, sweetie.
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479. You let her be Mr. Coconut?
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480. It won't be an easy life for her,
but it's the choice she made.
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481. So, uh... what do you say?
You ready to come home?
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482. Uh, I'll be home soon.
I paid for 300 pitches.
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483. I was pretty mad at you.
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484. OK. Sure. I'll see you at home later.
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485. Just keep that elbow up. You're not
getting through the zone fast enough.
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486. - Just do what you want.
- Thanks, honey.
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487. Let's go trick-or-treat now.
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488. I don't want to anymore. I'm hungry.
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489. Didn't you eat? I made ziti.
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490. You poured it on everybody's candy.
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491. That's right, I did.
I'll make you some cereal.
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