1. Everybody Hates Chris #046
"Caruso"
Closed CaptionedCopy !req
2. After two years at Corleone,Copy !req
3. I felt like things had
finally started to turn around.Copy !req
4. My grades were okay, I liked
most of my teachersCopy !req
5. and I had made friends...Copy !req
6. Make that, a friend.Copy !req
7. But he was a good one.Copy !req
8. There was only one problem
that wasn't going away.Copy !req
9. Morning, Cocoa Puffs.Copy !req
10. Caruso had made my life
a living hell.Copy !req
11. He had beaten my ass
every dayCopy !req
12. and nothing kept him away.Copy !req
13. Not a 104 degree fever...Copy !req
14. and not even
a national holiday.Copy !req
15. Happy Fourth of July, Sammy.Copy !req
16. What time is it?Copy !req
17. 3:15. Why?Copy !req
18. Have you seen Caruso?Copy !req
19. He's usually punching you
in the face right now.Copy !req
20. As far as I was concerned,Copy !req
21. this was better
than Enter the Dragon.Copy !req
22. You want some more?Copy !req
23. Smart move.Copy !req
24. What are you staring at?Copy !req
25. Did you just see that?Copy !req
26. Saw it, but
I don't believe it.Copy !req
27. Other than being glad
that I wasn't next,Copy !req
28. at that moment I couldn't
have been happier.Copy !req
29. See ya. Wouldn't want
to be ya.Copy !req
30. Captioning sponsored byCopy !req
31. After seeing Caruso getting
a beat down,Copy !req
32. I had one question.Copy !req
33. Who is that kid anyway?Copy !req
34. His name's Bernard Yao.Copy !req
35. Apparently he's been going
here since last year.Copy !req
36. I never heard of him.Copy !req
37. How do you think Caruso'sCopy !req
38. going to deal with
getting beaten up?Copy !req
39. Same way he deals
with everything—Copy !req
40. he's gonna take it out on me.Copy !req
41. Since the day I got
to Corleone,Copy !req
42. if Caruso had a problem,Copy !req
43. as far as he was concerned,
it was my fault.Copy !req
44. When he got an "F"
on his paper...Copy !req
45. "F"?Copy !req
46. You're probably right.Copy !req
47. You wearing a cup?Copy !req
48. WhatCopy !req
49. Every day.Copy !req
50. You want to borrow it?Copy !req
51. No, I'm okay, thank you.Copy !req
52. Greg's cup was actually
a thimble.Copy !req
53. It's your funeral.Copy !req
54. Oh, no.
What?Copy !req
55. Holy Nicole Simpson.Copy !req
56. Can you hand me a carton
of milk, please?Copy !req
57. This is worse than I thought.Copy !req
58. Uh, Caruso, you okay?Copy !req
59. Yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
60. And can you call me Joey?Copy !req
61. Joey?
Joey?Copy !req
62. Joey.Copy !req
63. Caruso looked about as happyCopy !req
64. as Bobby Brown in
a health food store.Copy !req
65. Did you see that?Copy !req
66. I don't blame him.Copy !req
67. If somebody roundhouse kicked
me across a street,Copy !req
68. I'd avoid him, too.Copy !req
69. Greg avoided trees 'cause
he once got a splinter.Copy !req
70. Yao didn't just
beat him down—Copy !req
71. he beat the bully
out of him.Copy !req
72. While I was free from Caruso,
my dad was free from work.Copy !req
73. You don't need to work
this morning?Copy !req
74. Your daddy's on
vacation this week.Copy !req
75. Man, I wish I could
take a week off.Copy !req
76. I need a vacation.Copy !req
77. What for? You're a kid.Copy !req
78. Your whole life's a vacation.Copy !req
79. This is a waste
of time.Copy !req
80. I should be working.Copy !req
81. You got five paid vacation days.Copy !req
82. Paid, Julius.Copy !req
83. Yeah, but they're paying me
for a 40-hour week.Copy !req
84. I average close to 70.Copy !req
85. If you think about it,
I'm actually losing money.Copy !req
86. Then don't think about it.Copy !req
87. Baby, get some rest.Copy !req
88. Pay attention to your health
for a change.Copy !req
89. There's nothing wrong
with my health.Copy !req
90. You got the gout, high blood
pressure, arthritis,Copy !req
91. a bad back, the sniffles,
an ingrown toenail, seborrhea,Copy !req
92. psoriasis,
a strained ligament,Copy !req
93. dyspepsia and gastric reflux.Copy !req
94. My mother was making
a lot of sense.Copy !req
95. Unfortunately, all
my father heard was...Copy !req
96. You got the light bill,
the gas bill, the phone bill,Copy !req
97. the heat bill, the water bill,Copy !req
98. car note, taxes,
insurance, food,
rent, clothes,Copy !req
99. heating, cooling,
washing, drying...Copy !req
100. My mother thought it was work
that gave my father stress.Copy !req
101. But she was wrong—Copy !req
102. it was debt.Copy !req
103. Which is why he did this.Copy !req
104. Hey, Frank, it's Julius.Copy !req
105. Listen, I got a few days offCopy !req
106. and I'm looking to pick up
a little work.Copy !req
107. So FYI, my sources tell me
that Yao likes usingCopy !req
108. the upstairs bathroom
by the art room.Copy !req
109. What sources?Copy !req
110. What are you—
Spenser for Hire?Copy !req
111. I guess that makes me Hawk.Copy !req
112. It's not important.Copy !req
113. All that matter is
that you avoid using it.Copy !req
114. Why? Just because Yao
beat up CarusoCopy !req
115. doesn't mean he's going
to beat us up, too.Copy !req
116. Did you see the way
he was looking at usCopy !req
117. when he came out
of that alley?Copy !req
118. I'm not taking
any chances.Copy !req
119. You're overreacting.Copy !req
120. Okay, look, we don't
want any trouble.Copy !req
121. What's this?Copy !req
122. My lunch money.Copy !req
123. I always pay on time,
and I don't even mindCopy !req
124. tossing in a few extra
bucks around the holidays.Copy !req
125. What is wrong
with you guys?Copy !req
126. I don't want your money.Copy !req
127. But after what you
did to Caruso,Copy !req
128. we figured you
were taking over.Copy !req
129. I'm not taking
over anything.Copy !req
130. I just got tired of him
picking on me.Copy !req
131. That's why
I took karate.Copy !req
132. It was either that, or give up
my lunch money.Copy !req
133. If I had to pay
for karate lessons,Copy !req
134. I wouldn't have
had lunch money.Copy !req
135. Now that's what
I call relaxing.Copy !req
136. It's getting late.Copy !req
137. You'd better be going.Copy !req
138. What do you mean?
It's only 8:15.Copy !req
139. You never know.
There could be traffic.Copy !req
140. I wouldn't want you
to be late for work.Copy !req
141. I think I have time
for a cup of coffee.Copy !req
142. Oh, could you get me
another cup?Copy !req
143. Look, I'm just saying,
you know,Copy !req
144. you're still on your
three-month probation.Copy !req
145. I wouldn't want you
to have a mark on
your record.Copy !req
146. Oh, please, that office
is so disorganized.Copy !req
147. I'm gonna sit right here
and have my cup of coffee.Copy !req
148. And besides, they don't keep
records of anything anyway.Copy !req
149. Ironically, she worked
at the Department of Records.Copy !req
150. Baby, we're out of coffee,Copy !req
151. but maybe you can pick up
another cup on the way to work.Copy !req
152. Okay, all right, I get it,
I get it.Copy !req
153. You want me to leave so you can
have your day of relaxation.Copy !req
154. I get it.Copy !req
155. Have a good day.
Have a good day.Copy !req
156. All right,
get some rest.Copy !req
157. Okay.Copy !req
158. Clark Kent's got
nothing on him.Copy !req
159. I'm out.Copy !req
160. The next few days at schoolCopy !req
161. were the best I'd ever had
at Corleone.Copy !req
162. For the first time CarusoCopy !req
163. didn't knock the books out
of my hand when he passed me.Copy !req
164. Hi, Chris.Copy !req
165. He didn't shove me in a locker.Copy !req
166. Hi, Chris.Copy !req
167. And the only name he called me
was mine.Copy !req
168. Hey, Chris.Copy !req
169. For the first time
I could remember,Copy !req
170. I didn't have
a problem at school.Copy !req
171. Hey! Ah!Copy !req
172. Give me your lunch money.Copy !req
173. I didn't have a problem...Copy !req
174. now I had a lot of problems.Copy !req
175. Caruso losing the fight
with Bernard YaoCopy !req
176. was good and bad.Copy !req
177. On the upside, Caruso was
no longer on my back.Copy !req
178. On the downside, I was getting
beat like eggs at IHOP.Copy !req
179. Hey, give me
your lunch money.Copy !req
180. Hey, don't give him
your lunch money.Copy !req
181. Give me your lunch money.Copy !req
182. He's going to
give it to me.Copy !req
183. No, he's going
to give it to me.
No, he's not.Copy !req
184. Give it to me!
It's mine!Copy !req
185. This is how kids used to fightCopy !req
186. before there were guns
in school.Copy !req
187. Freedom! Freedom!Copy !req
188. Freedom!Copy !req
189. All clear.Copy !req
190. It's like there's not enough
of you to go around, man.Copy !req
191. I haven't seen
anger and violenceCopy !req
192. like this since
my custody hearing.Copy !req
193. Me neither.Copy !req
194. Well, at least
outside my neighborhood.Copy !req
195. What's going on?Copy !req
196. When Yao beat up Caruso,Copy !req
197. it threw the whole school
out of whack.Copy !req
198. What do you mean?Copy !req
199. The school is like
The Godfather.Copy !req
200. There's a hierarchy,
and on top is
Don Corleone.Copy !req
201. But in our case—
Don Caruso.Copy !req
202. Caruso was the toughest
kid in school.Copy !req
203. No one dared
challenge his authority.Copy !req
204. Almost everybody
hated Caruso,Copy !req
205. but a lot of kids envied him.Copy !req
206. They wanted to be him,Copy !req
207. but were too scared to do
anything about it.Copy !req
208. When Caruso was out of the way,Copy !req
209. the school was up for grabs.Copy !req
210. It was going to be a bloodbath,Copy !req
211. and I knew that unless
I did somethingCopy !req
212. it was going to be my blood.Copy !req
213. Dude, how do you
know all this?Copy !req
214. When you spend a lot of time
in dark lockersCopy !req
215. you think about things.Copy !req
216. I started writingCopy !req
217. my first HBO Special
in a locker.Copy !req
218. So what do we do now?Copy !req
219. We got to put Caruso
back in power.Copy !req
220. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
221. $47 for alimony?Copy !req
222. I bet you don't.Copy !req
223. Bet you I will.Copy !req
224. I bet you don't.
Keep dreaming.Copy !req
225. A wood chipper? Where did
she get a wood chipper from?Copy !req
226. Mm-hmm... mm-hmm...Copy !req
227. Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm...Copy !req
228. Mm-hmm...Copy !req
229. He left her for
a midget?Copy !req
230. Uh-huh.Copy !req
231. Ma, I'm home.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
232. Right.Copy !req
233. Hey, Mom, where's Dad?Copy !req
234. He's probably sleeping.Copy !req
235. Leave him alone,
'cause he needs his rest.Copy !req
236. And, boy, close
my door. You don't
live in a barn.Copy !req
237. Uh-huh.Copy !req
238. I didn't even open
that door.Copy !req
239. Back at school,
I feared for my life.Copy !req
240. So I couldn't even enjoy
the epidemicCopy !req
241. of white-on-white violence.Copy !req
242. Look at that.Copy !req
243. Caruso's a broken man.Copy !req
244. Don't worry,
I know how to fix him.Copy !req
245. Caruso lost a fight
to the new champ.Copy !req
246. But I figured
he couldn't resist a fightCopy !req
247. with the old chump.Copy !req
248. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
249. Let go of me.
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
250. You're what's wrong with me,Copy !req
251. walking around here like a sad
Richie Cunningham.Copy !req
252. You should be kicking
some serious butt.Copy !req
253. What are you talking about?Copy !req
254. Yao kicked the crap out of you.Copy !req
255. You're just gonna take it?Copy !req
256. What do you expect?Copy !req
257. Well, maybe you can't beat him,Copy !req
258. but you can beat me.Copy !req
259. I mean, come on, punch me,Copy !req
260. kick me, push me on the ground,
something.Copy !req
261. Have you lost your mind?Copy !req
262. Yes.
Have you lost your mind?Copy !req
263. Call me Stymie, Rochester,
Tootsie Roll, Inkwell.Copy !req
264. Come on, man!Copy !req
265. What are you doing?Copy !req
266. Prompting an angry call
from Bill Cosby.Copy !req
267. Look, I-I got to go.Copy !req
268. Desperate times call for
desperate measures.Copy !req
269. You want to act like a punk,Copy !req
270. I'm gonna treat you
like a punk.Copy !req
271. Give me your
lunch money, Opie.Copy !req
272. First time I was scared
he wouldn't hit me.Copy !req
273. All right, here.Copy !req
274. Just leave me alone.Copy !req
275. Well, that didn't work.Copy !req
276. So now what?Copy !req
277. Well, we got
his lunch money.Copy !req
278. Let's go get a pizza
and think about it.Copy !req
279. We got a pizza, but eight
different bullies took a slice.Copy !req
280. Since I couldn't get Caruso
to put a stop to things,Copy !req
281. I had to go to the guy
who started it.Copy !req
282. Hey, Yao, can I talk to you
for a second?Copy !req
283. Give me your lunch money first.Copy !req
284. I'm joking.Copy !req
285. Yeah, good one, jackass.Copy !req
286. What do you want?Copy !req
287. I have a problemCopy !req
288. and I need your help.Copy !req
289. I got my own problems.Copy !req
290. I guarantee you
they cannot be worse than mine.Copy !req
291. I'm failing math.
I got work to do.Copy !req
292. I don't have time for this.Copy !req
293. Wait, you're not good at math?Copy !req
294. What, just because I'm Asian,
I have to be good in math?Copy !req
295. You're black, can you moonwalk?Copy !req
296. I didn't mean it like that.
And, no, I can't moonwalk.Copy !req
297. So, I can't use chopsticks.
I don't like watermelon.Copy !req
298. I can't make a swan
out of paper.Copy !req
299. I don't have sickle cell anemia.Copy !req
300. I don't own a dry cleaners.Copy !req
301. I bet you like rice.Copy !req
302. You know what, man,
just forget this.Copy !req
303. It's simple, I need you
to fight Caruso again.Copy !req
304. Why would I do that?Copy !req
305. At least when Caruso
was in control,Copy !req
306. we only had one person
to worry about.Copy !req
307. And now, everybody's
kicking the crap out ofCopy !req
308. anybody they can get
their hands on.Copy !req
309. And nine times out of ten...Copy !req
310. it's me.Copy !req
311. I don't want to fight.Copy !req
312. If you don't
want to do it for me,Copy !req
313. then do it for the school.Copy !req
314. We may not want a bully,
but we need a bully.Copy !req
315. Look, I already fought him once
and beat him.Copy !req
316. What makes you think
he would fight me again?Copy !req
317. Let me take care of that.Copy !req
318. And what's in it for me?Copy !req
319. Caruso...Copy !req
320. I know you're in here.Copy !req
321. It's me, Chris.Copy !req
322. What?Copy !req
323. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
324. I knew I had to convince Caruso
to face Yao.Copy !req
325. Now it was the biggest
fight of my lifeCopy !req
326. and I wasn't even in it.Copy !req
327. I don't have
any more money.Copy !req
328. Man, would you just
come out here?Copy !req
329. Man, what is wrong with you?Copy !req
330. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I actually feel bad for you.Copy !req
331. You used to run this school.Copy !req
332. And now look at you.Copy !req
333. You're sad, pathetic and
scared out of your mind.Copy !req
334. Shoot, if you were black,
you'd be me.Copy !req
335. What do you want from me?Copy !req
336. You need to stand up to Yao.Copy !req
337. Are you crazy?Copy !req
338. He hit me in the eye
with a Siberian flying tiger.Copy !req
339. I couldn't see straight
for three days.Copy !req
340. So?Copy !req
341. When I first came
to this school,Copy !req
342. you smacked me around.Copy !req
343. But I stood up to you.Copy !req
344. Fight! Fight! Fight!Copy !req
345. And you smacked me around
some more.Copy !req
346. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!Copy !req
347. So what's your point?Copy !req
348. You see, every superhero
needs a villain.Copy !req
349. I mean, where would Superman beCopy !req
350. if it wasn't for
Lex Luthor?Copy !req
351. He'd be at the Hall of Justice
watching super TV.Copy !req
352. And the Fantastic Four,Copy !req
353. where would they be
if it wasn't for Dr. Doom?Copy !req
354. At the circus.Copy !req
355. The reason you needCopy !req
356. to stand for yourself
is because I need you.Copy !req
357. The school needs you.Copy !req
358. And unless you wantCopy !req
359. to spend the rest of the school
year slinking aroundCopy !req
360. and being scared to let me
kick the crap out of you,Copy !req
361. you need to stand up
for yourself.Copy !req
362. You really think I can beat him?Copy !req
363. I don't think so,
I know so.Copy !req
364. After a few daysCopy !req
365. of successfully working
his secret job,Copy !req
366. my dad ran into two problems—Copy !req
367. Drew and Tanya.Copy !req
368. I still don't see howCopy !req
369. you threw your back out
doing nothing.Copy !req
370. Oh, I must've slept funny.Copy !req
371. Well, you sleep
harder than you work.Copy !req
372. Hey, Dad, you probably
hurt you back carryingCopy !req
373. all those packages.
What?Copy !req
374. Yeah, this afternoon,
me and Drew saw you onCopy !req
375. Fulton AvenueCopy !req
376. when we were walking
home from school.Copy !req
377. Okay, baby, here's some aspirin.Copy !req
378. It'll relax your muscles a bit.Copy !req
379. Who did y'all see
on Fulton Avenue?Copy !req
380. Nobody.
They're just talking.Copy !req
381. Oh.Copy !req
382. Whoever that was,Copy !req
383. he looked just like you.
I hope he doesn'tCopy !req
384. hit somebody in the head
with a pipe and run,Copy !req
385. because if he does,
you're going to jail.Copy !req
386. I mean, for real, Dad,Copy !req
387. he looked just like you—Copy !req
388. bald head, beard,
dark skin, everything.Copy !req
389. I even called you.Copy !req
390. I said, "Daddy...!"Copy !req
391. Sure did.Copy !req
392. Then the guy turned around
and looked right at us,Copy !req
393. covered his face
with a packageCopy !req
394. and ran inside
the building.Copy !req
395. Hey, baby, you want
a beer before dinner.Copy !req
396. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
397. So who did y'all see
running into a building?Copy !req
398. Nobody.
They just playing.Copy !req
399. Kids.Copy !req
400. Playing all the time.Copy !req
401. Mm, okay.Copy !req
402. I don't know, Dad.Copy !req
403. If they had a look-
like-you contest,Copy !req
404. he would win.Copy !req
405. Yeah.Copy !req
406. Okay, okay, fine.Copy !req
407. It was me.Copy !req
408. I took a job delivering packages
for the week.Copy !req
409. Ooh...Copy !req
410. You're supposed
to be on vacation.Copy !req
411. Mama's gonna be mad.Copy !req
412. Not if you keep your mouth shut.Copy !req
413. You know Mom hates to be the
last to find out about stuff.Copy !req
414. And I don't want her
mad at me.Copy !req
415. Do you guys like
having a father?Copy !req
416. Yes.
Yes.Copy !req
417. Keep quiet.Copy !req
418. And I'll give you five dollars.Copy !req
419. Each?Copy !req
420. Yeah.Copy !req
421. Now shh.Copy !req
422. I had brought two fighters
of different ethnicitiesCopy !req
423. together for a fixed fight.Copy !req
424. I felt just like Don King.Copy !req
425. Hey, Fried Rice.
What took you so long?Copy !req
426. Why don't you ask your mother?Copy !req
427. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!Copy !req
428. Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight!Copy !req
429. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!Copy !req
430. Where you going?Copy !req
431. Don't you want
to see who wins?Copy !req
432. What's the difference?Copy !req
433. Either way, tomorrow,Copy !req
434. someone's gonna be kicking
the crap out of me.Copy !req
435. Back on my dad's secret job,
he didn't know it,Copy !req
436. but the shipment
was about to hit the fan.Copy !req
437. Hey, excuse me,
excuse me, look.Copy !req
438. I'll give you five dollars
if you go in thereCopy !req
439. and get a package for me.Copy !req
440. What are you...?Copy !req
441. You're some kind
of pervert.
No, no.Copy !req
442. No, no, no, look.
I'll give you ten, man, hey!Copy !req
443. Damn!Copy !req
444. Can I help you?Copy !req
445. Hey, baby.Copy !req
446. How you doing?Copy !req
447. If that's what
my mother looks likeCopy !req
448. catching my father
with another job,Copy !req
449. it's no wonder he never had
another woman.Copy !req
450. What you doing here?Copy !req
451. I'm working.Copy !req
452. What are you doing here?Copy !req
453. Relaxing?Copy !req
454. Drew and Tanya...Copy !req
455. Yeah, Drew and Tanya.Copy !req
456. Now you're bribing
your own kids?Copy !req
457. You should be
ashamed or yourself.Copy !req
458. And you only gave them
ten measly dollars.Copy !req
459. You could've at least
gave them $20.Copy !req
460. How did you know
I was going to be here?Copy !req
461. Who do you think called for
you to pick up the package?Copy !req
462. Look, I'm just trying
to make some extra moneyCopy !req
463. so we can get ahead, baby.Copy !req
464. Baby, how are you
gonna get aheadCopy !req
465. if your behind is
laying in a coffin?Copy !req
466. Julius, I need for
you to relax,Copy !req
467. so I can relax.
You understand?Copy !req
468. I'm sorry.Copy !req
469. I didn't know it was
that important to you.Copy !req
470. Go home.Copy !req
471. And if you're not asleep
by the time I get home,Copy !req
472. I'm gonna knock you out.Copy !req
473. No, don't kiss me, I'm in
my place of business.Copy !req
474. Well, at least let me
get the package.Copy !req
475. There is no package.Copy !req
476. Go to sleep.Copy !req
477. And I'm keeping the ten dollars.Copy !req
478. For a few days, I had something
I'd always wished for—Copy !req
479. no Caruso.Copy !req
480. But the only thing worse
than life with him,Copy !req
481. was life without him.Copy !req
482. Everybody was talking
about the fight,Copy !req
483. but I knew how it ended
before it started.Copy !req
484. Well, you did it, man.Copy !req
485. Caruso's back.Copy !req
486. Yeah, I guess I'm a real hero—Copy !req
487. Superfool.Copy !req
488. Greg?Copy !req
489. Thanks, Sandman.Copy !req
490. Give me my money.Copy !req
491. You owe me a pizza.Copy !req
492. Thank you.Copy !req
493. Thanks, nothing.Copy !req
494. You got what you wanted,Copy !req
495. I let Caruso beat me,Copy !req
496. and now I get what I want.Copy !req
497. Either I pass my math class
or it's your ass.Copy !req
498. What's he angry about?Copy !req
499. Can't he see I'm the one
in the locker?Copy !req