Everybody Hates Chris 3x18

1. EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #056 "Earth Day" Closed Captioned

2. Every school year, there were always days

3. when students had to do special assignments.

4. Good morning, everybody.

5. Some were easy, like Thanksgiving.

6. Your assignment

7. is to write a report about what you're thankful for.

8. And Martin Luther King Day.

9. Your assignment

10. is to report about what you would dream about

11. if you were about to be shot.

12. Some were a lot harder.

13. This week is my favorite Earth Day.

14. Or, as you would say, Chris, Earf Day.

15. If you live on Earth, isn't every day Earth Day?

16. What's Earth Day?

17. Well, Chris, people are destroying the planet

18. with things like plastic bags and cans, bottles,

19. and indestructible foodstuffs.

20. On Earth Day, we put forth our best efforts to save the planet.

21. I thought saving the planet was a waste of time,

22. because I was too busy trying to save me.

23. I tried saving my face.

24. I tried saving my ass.

25. I even tried saving

26. my future kid's ass.

27. To this day, I love geography.

28. Your assignment is to do something you think

29. will help save the Earth.

30. Greg.

31. You mean something like building a solar

32. Isn't that what the beach is?

33. That's very good, Greg.

34. Chris, what would you like to do?

35. I knew my dad had a truck and Bed-Stuy was a mess.

36. So I had the perfect project.

37. Uh, collect cans and recycle them?

38. That's wonderful.

39. Then you could

40. take the money and do something for the environment.

41. You could plant a tree.

42. Maybe I could plant my foot in your b...

43. Captioning sponsored by

44. Having my father help me with my Earth Day project

45. seemed like a great idea until he found out about it.

46. Earth Day?

47. It's the day we try to save the Earth.

48. I have a project to do, too.

49. Well, Earth Day must not be too important

50. if I still got to go to work.

51. Are the banks closed?

52. You still got to feed the parking meters.

53. And what are you doing to save the Earth?

54. I'm recycling cans, and the money I make I'm going to use

55. to help the environment.

56. Just like the Republicans.

57. I don't know, Chris.

58. Sounds like it might take too much time.

59. Julius, your son is trying to save the Earth.

60. Are you going to help him or not?

61. My father had been asked that question before,

62. and there was only one right answer,

63. whether it was something minor...

64. Are you going to do the dishes or not?

65. Or something major.

66. Are you going to propose to me or not?

67. Here you go, baby.

68. Oh!

69. Thank you.

70. See?

71. Sure, I'll help you out.

72. Here's your first can. I hope you get an "A."

73. Thanks, Dad.

74. What are you doing, boy?

75. I have to build a car out of this piece of wood.

76. I want to know what you're doing with my potatoes.

77. That's how I'm going to power it.

78. It's environmentally friendly.

79. You wasting my potatoes is butt-whipping friendly.

80. Me and Drew were trying to save the world,

81. but Tonya was about to be in a world of trouble.

82. Listen to this: "Dear Parent,

83. "Your daughter Tonya has been cited

84. "for a conduct violation,

85. and your presence is being requested for a conference."

86. What kind of conduct violation?

87. She said I was being rude and belligerent.

88. Ain't no damn body rude and belligerent.

89. I'm going to go down there

90. and show them what rude and belligerent is.

91. No kidding.

92. Rude and belligerent.

93. While I had my father on my side,

94. my mother was going to get a teacher off of Tonya's back.

95. I don't see why I have to take a whole day off of work,

96. to come down here for this nonsense.

97. I don't think it's nonsense.

98. Tonya was exhibiting some aggressive behavior

99. toward a classmate.

100. I just wanted you to be aware of it.

101. I was just trying to read, and she wouldn't be quiet.

102. Girl, you interrupt me again,

103. I'm going to knock the sound out of your mouth.

104. How is she being aggressive?

105. Apparently, Tonya turned toward her study partner and said this.

106. Did you say this?

107. Sorta.

108. Well, she was trying to study, right?

109. That's not the point. Oh, well, I think it is.

110. This is school, and her behavior will not be tolerated.

111. Her behavior?

112. What about the other little girl's behavior?

113. Why don't you have her mother come down here

114. and tell her kid to shut up

115. while my baby is trying to study?

116. That's neither here nor there.

117. Then please, where is it?

118. What I'd like to ask is

119. do you know where Tonya got this language from?

120. My mother had two answers to that question.

121. Answer A:

122. She got it from this knot I'm about to put upside your head.

123. And Answer B:

124. Well, I don't know, but it won't happen again.

125. Have a nice day. Tonya, come on.

126. I want to get transferred.

127. Girl, don't backtalk me right now.

128. Now is not the time.

129. Later, I found out that before Al Gore,

130. people had no idea what to do to save the Earth.

131. If you want to save the Earth,

132. you better figure out what to do about them Russians.

133. They got bombs.

134. My whole family worked in the fields.

135. I hate fields.

136. I love concrete.

137. You can't grow cotton on concrete.

138. I help the environment by driving as much as I can.

139. You ever ride that train?

140. That train is filthy, man.

141. You know it's dirty as hell when rats got footies on.

142. You want to save this planet?

143. Get rid of them trains. Get rid of them trains.

144. I help the environment by wearing wigs.

145. People put a whole lot of chemicals in their hair.

146. Then they wash it out.

147. It goes right into the river.

148. People got to drink that water.

149. When you done with a wig, just flush it down the toilet.

150. If it ends up in your glass, well, at least you can see it.

151. I use "I Can't Believe This Is Not Margarine."

152. It tastes real great.

153. Plus it has paudridridamadra- hydraglycerin.

154. That saves cows.

155. If the Earth died, that would be tragic,

156. but I sure like to sell that coffin.

157. So how'd it go with Tonya?

158. Her teacher is crazy. That's how it went.

159. What happened?

160. I was trying to study and this girl kept talking so I told her:

161. "If you don't shut up

162. "I'm going to slap the chatter out of you."

163. And she left me alone.

164. Wow, you sound just like mom.

165. No, she doesn't.

166. She does.

167. I mean, just a little.

168. So you think that this is my fault?

169. Well, you do kind of always yell.

170. Okay, then fine, I'll stop.

171. What

172. You're going to stop yelling?

173. Yes, I'm going to stop yelling.

174. You just watch.

175. I got five dollars says you won't last a week.

176. Bet.

177. Getting my father to agree to help me

178. with my project was one thing.

179. Getting him to actually help was something else.

180. Dad.

181. Dad.

182. Hmm?

183. You think we can go out and get started?

184. Started on what?

185. Collecting cans.

186. What cans?

187. For my project.

188. What project? My school project.

189. What school project?

190. Collecting cans.

191. Chris, I'm tired.

192. Can't you do it yourself?

193. Yeah, I guess I can start by myself.

194. A kid collecting cans with his dad is recycling.

195. A kid collecting cans by himself is bum practice.

196. Dad?

197. Well Earth, It's just us.

198. Since my dad wouldn't help me,

199. I had no choice but to collect a few cans on my own.

200. Unfortunately, you could turn in cans for money,

201. and every bum in Bed-Stuy knew it.

202. They may be bums, but they're not lazy bums.

203. Hey, Chris.

204. What are you doing in there?

205. Collecting cans.

206. Turn in enough,

207. get a lot of cash, plus, it's good for the environment.

208. What are you doing, soldier?

209. I'm trying to collect cans, too.

210. It's for my Earth Day project.

211. Want to collect cans around here?

212. You got to be quick.

213. Yeah, I guess so.

214. Got to be quicker than that.

215. After a couple of days,

216. my can project was going down the toilet.

217. You've got to be quick to get the cans.

218. That's a big business.

219. I thought my dad was going to be helping me.

220. This was supposed to be easy.

221. Maybe you should switch projects.

222. Yeah, now all I have to do

223. is come up with a solar-powered excuse.

224. I'd help you, but I ran into a major problem.

225. What happened?

226. While I was making my tanning bed,

227. I accidentally invented an incandescent light bulb

228. that won't burn out for 600 years.

229. That's amazing. Then you'll definitely get an "A."

230. I can't turn that in. Why not?

231. Are you crazy? I'd be a marked man.

232. I'm not taking down every major power company in the nation.

233. They'd have me killed in a minute.

234. So I decided to switch projects.

235. I'm going with a dung-powered radar system.

236. US patent #D349127.

237. So what are you going to do?

238. Well, I figure there's a bunch of cans around here somewhere.

239. I might as well just keep looking.

240. See these two little cup

241. Mm

242. Put the potatoes in them.

243. Take one of these little electrodes

244. and plunge it into the potato there,

245. and take the other one and plunge it into the other potato.

246. Back at home, my mother needed help, too.

247. Drew, what is all this stuff on the table?

248. Boy, you better clean this table before I knock...!

249. Are you yelling?

250. No.

251. Sweetie.

252. When you get a chance...

253. would you mind putting this stuff away,

254. so I-I-I can set the table for dinner?

255. Yeah, I'll do it in a minute.

256. Hi, Tonya.

257. Did Daddy say you could have ice cream before dinner?

258. Nope, but I got hungry.

259. But Tonya, it's almost dinnertime.

260. I don't want you to ruin your appetite.

261. Mama, don't worry about it.

262. I'm going to eat my dinner.

263. Tonya, why are you reading

264. at the table?

265. Why aren't you eating your dinner?

266. I'm just not hungry.

267. Hmm, well,

268. maybe it's all that ice cream you had before dinner.

269. Yeah, maybe.

270. Who said

271. you could eat ice cream before dinner?

272. Nobody.

273. That's the problem.

274. What?

275. Nothing.

276. So,

277. Chris,

278. how's your project coming along?

279. Okay.

280. Um, me and Dad are just trying to figure out a time

281. that's good for us to go looking for cans.

282. Yeah, we're working on the time.

283. Oh, okay, that's nice.

284. I'm sure you two will work it out.

285. Mm-hmm.

286. Well, I finally figured out my project.

287. I hope you figured out how to clean that mess up.

288. I-I built a potato clock.

289. Now all I have to do is paint it.

290. Paint?

291. On my dining room table?

292. Mm-hmm.

293. Oh, no, you don't.

294. You're not getting me.

295. I'm keeping that five dollars.

296. Paint all you want.

297. Paint 20 potatoes

298. if you have to, Drew.

299. Are those my good potatoes?

300. Not anymore!

301. Yeah, but I'll chop 'em up

302. and make French fries after I turn my project in.

303. Hey, check it out.

304. I put a calendar on the front.

305. I thought you were supposed

306. to be making a car.

307. I thought you were supposed to be eating your dinner.

308. I was,

309. but the potatoes were too weak to run it.

310. I wonder how many potatoes we need

311. to get rid of the light bill.

312. Enough to make mashed potatoes for the next million years.

313. So Dad, you think you could pick me up after school tomorrow?

314. For what?

315. To pick up cans.

316. Yeah, yeah, cans.

317. No problem.

318. Work tomorrow? No problem.

319. Unfortunately for me, if you offer my dad a job,

320. he forgot about everything else.

321. So Dad, I'm going to come straight home

322. after school tomorrow, okay?

323. Oh, I'm sorry, Chris.

324. I just picked up an extra shift.

325. I get paid time and a half, but,

326. hey, you're doing okay though, right?

327. Yeah, Dad, I'm fine.

328. All right, I knew you would.

329. You're the man. That's my boy.

330. We learned the reason my mother yelled

331. wasn't because she liked yelling.

332. It was because if she didn't yell, no one would hear her.

333. Drew, wake up.

334. Hey, right.

335. Chris, you're going to be late.

336. I'm coming.

337. Okay, fine.

338. Don't go to school.

339. Grow up stupid.

340. Tonya, wake up, baby.

341. All right, all right.

342. Five more minutes.

343. See?

344. Oh, this is what I'm talking about.

345. I tried to be nice

346. and this is the thanks I get.

347. Yeah, I try not to be rude and belligerent.

348. If I wasn't, nothing would get done around here.

349. But that's okay.

350. Oh, okay, I guess I'm supposed to clean this up too?

351. Oh, no, no, no problem, Mr. Potato.

352. I'll clean you up.

353. I have nothing else better to do.

354. No, please, you sit right there.

355. I'll be back. No, really, stay!

356. No, it's okay.

357. It's okay because...

358. Now that is just nasty.

359. After searching around, I found a few cans,

360. but what I really needed was some help.

361. There he is, Officer. That's the man.

362. That's my boy.

363. If I ever needed my dad's help, I needed it then.

364. Dad?

365. Dad!

366. Dad... ah, dang it!

367. Wait!

368. Move, move, move.

369. Dad?

370. I'm not your daddy.

371. Am I?

372. No.

373. Thank you, God.

374. Hey, baby, what you doing?

375. I looked everywhere and I couldn't find any cans.

376. So I figured I'd get my own.

377. Want a soda?

378. Yeah, thanks.

379. You mean to tell me

380. you and your daddy couldn't find one can?

381. I didn't want to tell on my dad, but I didn't want to lie.

382. Well, Dad hasn't really had any time

383. to come looking for cans with me.

384. He's been working.

385. Really.

386. My project was on its last leg.

387. And for my mother, that was the last straw.

388. Julius, wake up!

389. Oh, oh, what's going on? What

390. I thought you were gonna help Chris with his homework.

391. I was. I am.

392. When?

393. I don't know.

394. Rochelle, I've been working.

395. Oh, and I've just been laying around the house all day?

396. Is that what it is?

397. I ask you to help that boy

398. with one homework assignment, in what, 15 years?

399. And you can't even do that!

400. All I ask you to do is take the boy

401. and pick up some cans.

402. I'm sorry.

403. "I'm sorry"? You ought to be!

404. Your son needed your help

405. with one school assignment, but, no, you were too busy.

406. But, baby...

407. But

408. Are you going to help him or not?

409. Mmm.

410. That's exactly what I thought.

411. Hmm.

412. Take your money.

413. I'm back!

414. Dad?

415. What's wrong?

416. What happened?

417. Whoa, calm down.

418. I'm here to help you with your Earth Day project.

419. I thought you had to work.

420. I do.

421. Now let's go get these cans.

422. Whoa!

423. Looks pretty full.

424. Yeah, so you want to take it

425. to the recycling center?

426. No, let's take it first thing in the morning.

427. Yeah.

428. So, Tonya,

429. I know you heard me scream yesterday.

430. Yeah, are you sorry?

431. No, I'm not sorry

432. and I'll tell you why.

433. You can only talk that way to someone when you love them.

434. But you have to be nice

435. to the people that you don't know.

436. But that doesn't make any sense.

437. No, it doesn't make any sense,

438. but it so happens to be true.

439. Like when Bush got reelected.

440. How can it be true if it doesn't make any sense?

441. Because that's just the way the truth is.

442. Oh.

443. So this means that I'm going to go back

444. to yelling at everybody.

445. Because you love us?

446. Exactly.

447. So I can yell at you, too?

448. Mmm, if you want the fillings

449. knocked out of your face, go right ahead.

450. Sorry you had to miss work for this, Dad.

451. That's okay.

452. So how much money did you make?

453. $100

454. Six.

455. $600?

456. No, six dollars.

457. I can't do anything with this.

458. How am I supposed to save the Earth with six dollars?

459. You know what, Chris?

460. To some people six dollars is a lot of money.

461. You said you wanted to help the planet.

462. Hey, Kill Moves.

463. Konnichiwa!

464. Oh.

465. Hey, Chris.

466. I got something for you.

467. Uh, what's this for?

468. Earth Day.

469. Earth Day, huh?

470. Hmm, thanks.

471. Hey,

472. Happy Earth Day.

473. Let's get you to school.

474. People talk about saving the planet

475. by picking up cansand bottles,

476. but the one thing I learned from Earth Day

477. was that saving the planet meant a lot to me,

478. but doing it with my father meant the world to me.

479. So, Chris, tell us about your Earth Day project.

480. Oh, well, me and my dad collected a truckful of cans.

481. Chris, that's wonderful.

482. And I gave the money to somebody less fortunate.

483. I mean, there's no reason to save the Earth

484. if you can't save the people.

485. Oh, Chris, that's so profound.

486. Other than the fact that you can see,

487. Stevie Wonder's got nothing on you.

488. I know in my heart,

489. that money is somehow going to help us all.

490. So we have 13 Styrofoam ice chests,

491. four cans of aerosol spray paint,

492. one pack of cigarettes, a gallon of whisky

493. and one container of "I Can't Believe It's Not Margarine."

494. Would that be paper or plastic?

495. Plastic.