1. Got a little
something for you.Copy !req
2. Man, she is a fly.Copy !req
3. Not a fly, is fly.
She's fly.Copy !req
4. I just wish I knew
what to do to get
a girl like her.Copy !req
5. Easy. Be a guy
like him.Copy !req
6. In high school, you learned
that the type of girl you areCopy !req
7. determines the type of guy
you go out with.Copy !req
8. Nerdy girls hang out
with nerdy guys.Copy !req
9. Smart girls hang out
with smart guysCopy !req
10. and dumb girls hang out
with jocks.Copy !req
11. Ladies.Copy !req
12. And then there are the girlsCopy !req
13. that didn't hang out
with anybodyCopy !req
14. and the guys that made fun
of them.Copy !req
15. We were those guys,
and she was that girl.Copy !req
16. Man, look at that.Copy !req
17. She looks like
her family gaveCopy !req
18. the baby back
and kept the stork.Copy !req
19. Her name is Kelly,
but everybodyCopy !req
20. calls her "Big Bird."Copy !req
21. Hey, Big Bird.
Yo, Big Bird.Copy !req
22. What's up, Big Bird?Copy !req
23. I wonder what'd have
to go wrong for you to end
up with a girl like that.Copy !req
24. It's like being
on The Planet of The Apes,Copy !req
25. and all the apes
said, "No."Copy !req
26. I didn't have anything
against Big Bird,Copy !req
27. and unfortunately for me,Copy !req
28. she didn't have anything
against me either.Copy !req
29. You're Chris, right?Copy !req
30. Yeah.Copy !req
31. I've seen you around,Copy !req
32. and I really think
you're kinda cute.Copy !req
33. Do you want to hang out
sometime?Copy !req
34. No!Copy !req
35. Sure.Copy !req
36. Where's an ape
when you need one?Copy !req
37. Captioning sponsored byCopy !req
38. While Big Bird was trying
to get with me,Copy !req
39. Greg was trying
to get the lowdown.Copy !req
40. Dude, did I see you
talking to Big Bird yesterday?Copy !req
41. Shh! Yeah, she asked me out.Copy !req
42. She's, like,
the goofiest girlCopy !req
43. this side of Roseanne
Roseannadanna.
What'd you say?Copy !req
44. I told her yeah.Copy !req
45. Why?Copy !req
46. 'Cause she asked.Copy !req
47. Girls don't ask
me out all the time.Copy !req
48. Yeah, that's the beauty
of the situation.Copy !req
49. You had a chance
to boost your low
self-esteemCopy !req
50. by turning someone else
down for a change.Copy !req
51. Yeah, but when
the girl asks,Copy !req
52. you don't just say no.Copy !req
53. Plus, my dad said
never to hurt a
girl's feelings.Copy !req
54. Besides, they don't
take rejection well.Copy !req
55. How are they gonna learn
if they don't get any practice?Copy !req
56. Attractive girls don't
take rejection well.Copy !req
57. Girls like Big Bird,
they're used to it.Copy !req
58. You know what?
Fine. It's done.Copy !req
59. I'm gonna go out
with her once.Copy !req
60. Trust me. I'm gonna
make sure we don't have fun,Copy !req
61. so she doesn't want
to go out again.Copy !req
62. I usually did that
without trying.Copy !req
63. While I was betting I could get
rid of Big Bird,Copy !req
64. Vanessa was betting big
on the Jets.Copy !req
65. Here you go.Copy !req
66. Sorry it took so long.Copy !req
67. Five weeks,
you should be sorry.Copy !req
68. You should have
saved your money.Copy !req
69. I told you the Jets
were gonna win.Copy !req
70. Vanessa, you gonna get enough
of this gambling,Copy !req
71. I keep trying to tell you.Copy !req
72. No, this is
a sure thing.Copy !req
73. The New York Jets
have been on a
winning streakCopy !req
74. like you've never seen.Copy !req
75. They just got lucky.Copy !req
76. I'll bet you they
don't win next week.Copy !req
77. The Giants play the Jets?Copy !req
78. No, they're just both
on winning streaks.Copy !req
79. Wait a minute. This is the
dumbest thing I ever heard.Copy !req
80. Your team is winning
and your team is winning,Copy !req
81. but you both figured out
a way to lose money on it.Copy !req
82. Well, all I know is
the Giants are gonna loseCopy !req
83. before the Jets.Copy !req
84. I'll tell you what. If the
Giants lose before the Jets,Copy !req
85. the barbershop will pay
for you ladiesCopy !req
86. to have a night out
on the town.Copy !req
87. Oh-oh, well,
start saving.Copy !req
88. But what if we win?Copy !req
89. That, that is not
going to happen.Copy !req
90. Since it's not gonna happen,
say anything.Copy !req
91. Buy everybody a new car.Copy !req
92. Cook dinner for all the men
for a month.Copy !req
93. Better yet, go out
with Kill Moves.Copy !req
94. All right,
little Miss Naysayer,Copy !req
95. I'll do that.Copy !req
96. If we lose, I'll go out
with Kill Moves.Copy !req
97. Ha!Copy !req
98. While Vanessa bet on the Jets,
I had a date with a giant.Copy !req
99. Hey, Chris.Copy !req
100. Is that what you
had on earlier?Copy !req
101. No, I had an accident
and I needed to change.Copy !req
102. An accident?
What happened?Copy !req
103. Oh, I didn't make it
to the bathroom in time,Copy !req
104. so I to get something
from lost-and-found.Copy !req
105. Wow, that's crazy.Copy !req
106. It looks good
on you, though.Copy !req
107. It makes you look edgy.Copy !req
108. Even though my bad clothes
didn't seem to work,Copy !req
109. there was more bad stuff
to come: bad food.Copy !req
110. I never heard
of this place.Copy !req
111. Yeah, everything
the serve is from stuffCopy !req
112. that other people
didn't finish eating.Copy !req
113. After the bad food,
there was a bad movie.Copy !req
114. What's this called?Copy !req
115. Leonard Part V.Copy !req
116. Nipsy Russell's best movie.Copy !req
117. They're doing a sequel
with Bill Cosby.Copy !req
118. Stop you guys
from committing a crime.Copy !req
119. After the bad movie,
we took a bad walk.Copy !req
120. Hey, little dude on a date,
let me hold all your money!Copy !req
121. Chris, come back!Copy !req
122. No!Copy !req
123. The only date worse than me
was Phil Spector.Copy !req
124. While I was running
for my life,Copy !req
125. Vanessa was running
her game down.Copy !req
126. Listen up now, everybody.Copy !req
127. Now, we all in this together.Copy !req
128. So if we gonna win this thing,Copy !req
129. then we got
to get our mojo working.Copy !req
130. Mojo?Copy !req
131. Is that what
we're depending on, mojo?Copy !req
132. Well, what about the stats,
the line, the over, the under?Copy !req
133. What about the odds?
The spread, the angle,
the handicap?Copy !req
134. What about the hook,
the hot game?Copy !req
135. You know, the rundown,
the system?Copy !req
136. What about a tout,
the trends?Copy !req
137. What about a wiseguy?Copy !req
138. Everybody needs a wiseguy.Copy !req
139. Rochelle,Copy !req
140. I'll have you knowCopy !req
141. I have a very precise system
that's worked for nine months.Copy !req
142. ReallyCopy !req
143. Four out of five dentists
think she's crazy.Copy !req
144. And I pluck three mole hairs
before every game.Copy !req
145. And I been eating two
chicken-fried bananasCopy !req
146. before every game.Copy !req
147. Just two?Copy !req
148. Well, I don't know what you want
me to do.Copy !req
149. What do you normally do
during the game?Copy !req
150. Well, other than serving beer
and chips, I'm usually ironing.Copy !req
151. Did you do that week two
when the Jets lost?Copy !req
152. Now, how am I supposed to know
what week is whatCopy !req
153. in your mojo world?Copy !req
154. Think, Rochelle,
this is important.Copy !req
155. Remember, I lost all that moneyCopy !req
156. and you gave me that lecture
on "gambling is evil..."Copy !req
157. That's when Julius burnt
my shirt.Copy !req
158. Giants win 20 to 7,
Jet's lose 20 to 6.Copy !req
159. Julius, my shirt!Copy !req
160. What do you mean, you lost $30?Copy !req
161. And every week after that,
I've been ironing.Copy !req
162. And every week the Jets
have been winning,Copy !req
163. so I don't care what
you do on Monday.Copy !req
164. You make sure you iron
those clothes.Copy !req
165. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
166. Before ESPN, people had their
own roundtable discussionsCopy !req
167. by sitting around a table
and discussing.Copy !req
168. So the girls at the beauty shop
made a betCopy !req
169. against the guys
at the barber shop.Copy !req
170. It's silly, but the guys
are rooting for the GiantsCopy !req
171. and the girls are rooting
for the Jets.Copy !req
172. That is silly. There's no wayCopy !req
173. the Jets are gonna continue
winning.Copy !req
174. Oh, really? What makes you
an expert?Copy !req
175. Because he's a man.Copy !req
176. I watch football every week.
That's why I'm an expert.Copy !req
177. So you saying I'm stupid?Copy !req
178. This was not the first timeCopy !req
179. my parents had this
conversation.Copy !req
180. It's too expensive.Copy !req
181. So you saying I'm not
a good mother?Copy !req
182. I just don't see what's funny
about a Volkswagen Beetle.Copy !req
183. So you saying you
never should have
married me?Copy !req
184. That's not what I said.Copy !req
185. That's what I think.Copy !req
186. The Giants are gonna win
the Superbowl,Copy !req
187. and Phil Simms is gonna lead
them to the promised land.Copy !req
188. Right, Daddy?Copy !req
189. That's right,
sweetie.Copy !req
190. You're crazy.Copy !req
191. Wesley Walker and
Al Toon are having
record years.Copy !req
192. The Jets are going
to the Superbowl.Copy !req
193. Ain't that right, Mom?Copy !req
194. No doubt about it.Copy !req
195. Tonya's right.
The Giants are unbeatable.Copy !req
196. All right, Julius,
I'll tell you what.Copy !req
197. I hate betting, but since
you want to run your mouth,Copy !req
198. and call me names,
if the Giants loseCopy !req
199. before the Jets do, you and
little Miss That's What I SaidCopy !req
200. have to clean up
after everybody elseCopy !req
201. for a month.Copy !req
202. And if the Jets lose
before the Giants,Copy !req
203. you and Drew have to do it.Copy !req
204. You have a bet.Copy !req
205. All right. You're gonna lose.Copy !req
206. Since we had gotten off
to a bad start,Copy !req
207. I was praying for a bad finish.Copy !req
208. That was so funny
when you ran away.
You're fast.Copy !req
209. You thought that was funny?Copy !req
210. You didn't see
what it looked like.Copy !req
211. Besides, that guy
didn't scare me.Copy !req
212. He didn't?Copy !req
213. No, I could see his thumb
sticking out of his gun pocket.Copy !req
214. Didn't he take all your money?Copy !req
215. No, he didn't. I keep
my money in my bra.Copy !req
216. All he got was some eye drops
and some rash cream.Copy !req
217. Eye drops and rash cream? Damn!Copy !req
218. Little dude owes me a dollar.Copy !req
219. After all I did to make things
go wrong,Copy !req
220. I never would have bet
that things with KellyCopy !req
221. would be going so right.Copy !req
222. Well, that was great.Copy !req
223. Yeah, that was cool.Copy !req
224. Well, I better
get home.Copy !req
225. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
226. Everyone called Kelly
"Big Bird,"Copy !req
227. but call me cuckoo; I was
actually starting to like her.Copy !req
228. That kiss from Big Bird made me
feel like Superfly.Copy !req
229. While I was flying
with Big Bird,Copy !req
230. my father wanted
the Jets to crash.Copy !req
231. I need the Jets to lose.Copy !req
232. We're doing everything we can
to put the mojo on the Jets.Copy !req
233. I'm wearing my lucky socks.Copy !req
234. I ain't eating nothing
but bananas and peanut butter.Copy !req
235. I'm gonna call 'em up
and I'm gonna threaten 'em.Copy !req
236. What about you, Julius?Copy !req
237. What did you do the last
time the Jets lost?Copy !req
238. It was weird 'cause I remember
I was ironingCopy !req
239. because the Giants won
20 to 7Copy !req
240. and the Jets lost 20 to 6,Copy !req
241. and I remember thinking, "That's
one extra point worth of loss."Copy !req
242. Well, you know what that means.Copy !req
243. You need to iron on Monday.Copy !req
244. Yeah!Copy !req
245. Keeping my relationship
with Big Bird a secretCopy !req
246. was easy for the most part.Copy !req
247. Turns out,Copy !req
248. the person I had the most
trouble hiding it from was her.Copy !req
249. I hid it during school.Copy !req
250. I hid it before school.Copy !req
251. I even kept it hidden
after school.Copy !req
252. What are you looking for,
Tender Love?Copy !req
253. The Giants had won their fifth
game in a row,Copy !req
254. and Tonya was counting on the
Jets' winning streak to end.Copy !req
255. You better
pick that up.Copy !req
256. I'm not picking
it up.Copy !req
257. You got to pick it up.Copy !req
258. And then you're gonna
have to clean the rest
of the house.Copy !req
259. We'll see about that.Copy !req
260. Kelly didn't realize that I was
avoiding being seen with her.Copy !req
261. She just thought I was the
greatest phone boyfriend ever.Copy !req
262. I guess my favorite rappers
are Run-DMC.Copy !req
263. I love Salt n' Pepa.Copy !req
264. My favorite character
from the Rocky moviesCopy !req
265. is Clubber Lang.Copy !req
266. I love Captain Drago.Copy !req
267. And I jumped off the top stairs,
started flyingCopy !req
268. and landed on
the Mary Jane Girls.Copy !req
269. I had the exact same dream
except I landed on Rick James.Copy !req
270. About the only thing
we didn't talk aboutCopy !req
271. is when
we'd get together again.Copy !req
272. So when do you want
to do something again?Copy !req
273. 12th of never?Copy !req
274. Um... There's a football
game on today.Copy !req
275. Maybe we could watch that.Copy !req
276. Oh, my place or yours?Copy !req
277. I prefer a secluded town
on the outskirts of nowhere.Copy !req
278. Um... I was thinking
somewhere different.Copy !req
279. Uh, where?Copy !req
280. Let it, let it
be my surprise.Copy !req
281. Julius, did you see my...?Copy !req
282. Hey, Rochelle.Copy !req
283. You ready for the Jets game?Copy !req
284. You!Copy !req
285. No good, low down...Copy !req
286. Those are words
you can't say on TV.Copy !req
287. Dirty,Copy !req
288. good-for-nothing...Copy !req
289. To-to sneak down here and...Copy !req
290. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
291. I'm just doing
the ironing.Copy !req
292. I can't
believe this!Copy !req
293. Good thing she wasn't
near the toaster.Copy !req
294. lose to Miami, 45...Copy !req
295. While my mother was
going to kill my father,Copy !req
296. Nessa was going
on a date with Kill Moves.Copy !req
297. I liked seeing Kelly,
but I made sure to do itCopy !req
298. where no one
I knew would see us.Copy !req
299. That was a
great game.Copy !req
300. What made you think of coming
to the Port Authority?Copy !req
301. Just thought it'd
be different.Copy !req
302. This is cool.Copy !req
303. You want to watch
something else?Copy !req
304. Sure.Copy !req
305. Meanwhile, my mother
had a giant problemCopy !req
306. with the Jets losing.Copy !req
307. Start cleaning, Drew.Copy !req
308. You sit back
down, Drew.Copy !req
309. You're not cleaning up anything.Copy !req
310. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
311. I'm not talking to you.Copy !req
312. You wanna play
dirty, stay dirty.Copy !req
313. My father won a bet, but he
was about to lose a war.Copy !req
314. We won!Copy !req
315. Back at school, the early bird
was about to get the worm.Copy !req
316. Surprise!Copy !req
317. I found you.Copy !req
318. Kelly.Copy !req
319. Yeah, you did find me.Copy !req
320. Um...Copy !req
321. What are you doing here?Copy !req
322. I wanted to see you.Copy !req
323. It's like I never see you
around school anymore.Copy !req
324. It's like I have
to hunt you down.Copy !req
325. I'm almost starting to think
that you're trying to avoid me.Copy !req
326. Oh. What gave you that idea?Copy !req
327. You.Copy !req
328. I'm just kidding.Copy !req
329. Well, you know, I'm
kind of busy, so...Copy !req
330. catch you later.Copy !req
331. Okay.Copy !req
332. I get it. No girls
in the locker room, right?Copy !req
333. Yeah.Copy !req
334. Well, I just wantedCopy !req
335. to give you something
before I go.Copy !req
336. What's that?Copy !req
337. Hey!Copy !req
338. It's Big Bird.
Hey, were's Bert
and Ernie?Copy !req
339. I guess that makes you
Snuffleupagus?Copy !req
340. No, it makes him
Roosevelt Franklin.Copy !req
341. Cookie?Copy !req
342. Cookie!
Cookie!Copy !req
343. Who are they making fun of?Copy !req
344. They obviously watch
a lot of Sesame Street.Copy !req
345. Chris, aren't you
gonna say something?Copy !req
346. Or are you just gonna
stand there and watch?Copy !req
347. Stand here and watch.Copy !req
348. Fine.Copy !req
349. Now I know how you really feel.Copy !req
350. What's up?Copy !req
351. Where you going?Copy !req
352. Don't fall over.Copy !req
353. While I was trying
to figure outCopy !req
354. how to deal with Big Bird,Copy !req
355. Vanessa was getting prepared
to deal with Kill Moves.Copy !req
356. Good evening, ladies.Copy !req
357. Kill Moves? Where'd
you get the car?Copy !req
358. I don't know.Copy !req
359. It belongs to his mother,
Mrs. Devereaux.Copy !req
360. Wow.Copy !req
361. You learn something new
every day.Copy !req
362. Where's Vanessa?Copy !req
363. Uh, this is me.Copy !req
364. Where's that woman
you was just with?Copy !req
365. Um...
Just explainCopy !req
366. when you get in the car.Copy !req
367. Go, go, go.Copy !req
368. Have a good time.Copy !req
369. I think.Copy !req
370. While Vanessa took care
of her end of the bet,Copy !req
371. at home, all bets were off.Copy !req
372. Dinner is served.Copy !req
373. Rochelle,
this has gotta stop.Copy !req
374. It never would have started
if you never cheated.Copy !req
375. Cheated? I never cheated.Copy !req
376. Oh, really? So out of the blue,
you just decidedCopy !req
377. that you wanted to iron?Copy !req
378. Well, no.Copy !req
379. You no-good, low-down,
dirty little...Copy !req
380. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
381. What does me ironing have
to do with me cheating?Copy !req
382. Because I always do the ironingCopy !req
383. and every time I iron,
the Jets win.Copy !req
384. but no, you had to go
steal my mojoCopy !req
385. and ruin our nine-game
winning streak.Copy !req
386. What?Copy !req
387. I didn't know ironing
was your thing, too.Copy !req
388. The guys told me to iron
again, and I just did it.Copy !req
389. Really?Copy !req
390. Yeah. I play fair.Copy !req
391. Oh.Copy !req
392. A'ight. Me and Drew
will clean upstairs,Copy !req
393. and you and Tonya
will clean downstairs.Copy !req
394. Don't touch me.Copy !req
395. My father made things
right with my mother.Copy !req
396. Now I needed to make
things right with my Bird.Copy !req
397. Hey, Dad, I need
to talk to you.Copy !req
398. What's up?Copy !req
399. Well, there's this girl.Copy !req
400. And she likes me.Copy !req
401. That's good.Copy !req
402. And I really like her.Copy !req
403. That's better.Copy !req
404. The only thing is,Copy !req
405. she's a little
awkward-looking.Copy !req
406. Awkward?Copy !req
407. Like she has one leg
longer than the other?Copy !req
408. No.Copy !req
409. Like she dislocated her shoulderCopy !req
410. and they put it back wrong?Copy !req
411. No.Copy !req
412. Like her eyes are
too far apart?Copy !req
413. No.Copy !req
414. Like she's knock-kneed
and pigeon-toed,Copy !req
415. and when she walks she
makes a clicking sound?Copy !req
416. No.Copy !req
417. It's just that these
football playersCopy !req
418. were calling her Big Bird
and stuff and...Copy !req
419. I didn't really do
anything about it.Copy !req
420. Chris, even if a girl's
eyes are too far apart,Copy !req
421. I thought I told you never
to hurt a girl's feelings.Copy !req
422. I know.Copy !req
423. No, obviously you don't.Copy !req
424. You think she'll forgive me?Copy !req
425. I don't know. You'll have to
work that out with her.Copy !req
426. Even if a girl's eyes are
too far apart.Copy !req
427. I realized my mistake,Copy !req
428. and Vanessa realized
that going out with Kill MovesCopy !req
429. wasn't a mistake at all.Copy !req
430. You were out
all night?Copy !req
431. Oh, girl, that's
just the start of it.Copy !req
432. We opened the champagne,
headed for the seaport.Copy !req
433. There was a pink helicopter
waiting for me.Copy !req
434. You can hear about the rest
of Vanessa's dateCopy !req
435. After I gave Big Bird
the cold shoulder,Copy !req
436. I thought she flew the coop.Copy !req
437. You haven't seen her?
No, dude.Copy !req
438. You look amazing.Copy !req
439. I know. I decided I
wasn't going to let youCopy !req
440. or anyone else crush me,Copy !req
441. so my mom took me to
the mall for a makeover.Copy !req
442. Big Bird...Copy !req
443. is that you?Copy !req
444. My name is not Big Bird.Copy !req
445. It's Kelly.Copy !req
446. I'm sorry about what happened.
It's just...Copy !req
447. It's just you were fine
going out with me so long asCopy !req
448. nobody knew, because you didn't
want to be Big Bird's boyfriend?Copy !req
449. Exactly!Copy !req
450. No...Copy !req
451. Let me make it up to you.
Let me take you out again.Copy !req
452. No. Never. Het. Noya...Copy !req
453. Unfortunately for me,
Kelly spoke 15 languages.Copy !req
454. Jo. Cuwa. Momo. Tla.Copy !req
455. Was that Cherokee?Copy !req
456. Domo arigato,
Mr. Roboto.Copy !req
457. What?Copy !req
458. Kelly, I was a jerk.Copy !req
459. I know. And as much as I'd likeCopy !req
460. to come here every day
and make you suffer,Copy !req
461. I'm going to Paris
tomorrow.Copy !req
462. Paris?Copy !req
463. That's right, Paris.Copy !req
464. I met a lady at the mall
named Cindy Crawford,Copy !req
465. and she said she's going to turn
me into a supermodel.Copy !req
466. I'm sorry.Copy !req
467. I bet you are.Copy !req
468. But imagine how sorry
you're going to beCopy !req
469. when I turn around
and walk away.Copy !req
470. See you later, Kermit.Copy !req
471. Tonight's episode was brought
to youCopy !req
472. by the letters D-A-M and N!Copy !req