1. EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #072
"Everybody Hates Doc's"Copy !req
2. After I became the manager of
Tattaglia's football team,Copy !req
3. I only had time to work
at Doc's on the weekends.Copy !req
4. Working two days a week seemedCopy !req
5. like it was going
to be a breeze,Copy !req
6. and then Doc got a girlfriend.Copy !req
7. Hey, Chris, I want you
to meet my new leading lady.Copy !req
8. Look-a here, look-a here.Copy !req
9. Stacy.Copy !req
10. Hi.Copy !req
11. Hi.Copy !req
12. She'll be taking over
for meCopy !req
13. here on the weekends.Copy !req
14. Doc's told me
so much about you.Copy !req
15. He didn't tell me a thing
about you.Copy !req
16. What do you mean, "taking over"?Copy !req
17. Well, you know I can use
a little time off.Copy !req
18. So I'll be minding the store.
We'll get along great.Copy !req
19. And you'll be workingCopy !req
20. for a much better-looking boss.Copy !req
21. Cool.Copy !req
22. And remember,
whatever she says goes.Copy !req
23. Yeah, no problem.Copy !req
24. Are these cans always so dusty?Copy !req
25. Problem.Copy !req
26. Stacy may have been
a dream come true for Doc,Copy !req
27. but she turned out
to be my worse nightmare.Copy !req
28. There, all done.Copy !req
29. Chris, you did it
all wrong!Copy !req
30. I want everything on the top
to go on the bottom,Copy !req
31. and everything on the bottom
to go on the top.Copy !req
32. Why?
Because she's crazy.Copy !req
33. Because I don't work for you,
you work for me.Copy !req
34. I told you she's crazy.Copy !req
35. And when you finish with that,Copy !req
36. I have some errands
for you to run.Copy !req
37. When she said I work for her,
she meant it.Copy !req
38. I had to go for groceries,
get her dry cleaningCopy !req
39. and mine her coal.Copy !req
40. And when you're done,
go get me a new bird.Copy !req
41. Believe it or not,Copy !req
42. Doc's girlfriend was only the
second-worst boss I've had.Copy !req
43. Mr. Fong was the worst.Copy !req
44. And I could only imagine
how hard it would beCopy !req
45. working for him again.Copy !req
46. Hey, quit imagining what it
would be like to work for meCopy !req
47. and get back to work,
Lionel Richie.Copy !req
48. I was happy
Doc had a girlfriend.Copy !req
49. Too bad I have to kill her.Copy !req
50. Captioning sponsored byCopy !req
51. Since my father knew everything
there was to knowCopy !req
52. about having jobs,
I decided to ask himCopy !req
53. what to do about Stacy.Copy !req
54. Hey, Dad, you ever had
a boss you didn't like?Copy !req
55. I never had one I did like.Copy !req
56. Why? You having trouble
with Doc?Copy !req
57. Nah, I love Doc,
it's his girlfriend who's...Copy !req
58. Whoa, whoa. Son,Copy !req
59. stop right there.Copy !req
60. That's Doc's woman.Copy !req
61. Whether you like it or not,
she's there to stay.Copy !req
62. You think so?Copy !req
63. The Beatles didn't break up
John and Yoko.Copy !req
64. If it comes down to you or her,
you're gonna be out of job.Copy !req
65. 'Cause if you have a problem
with her,Copy !req
66. you're gonna have a problem
with Doc.Copy !req
67. But I've been on the job
with Doc for years.Copy !req
68. She's been on the job
for a month.Copy !req
69. Let's just say you two do
very different jobs.Copy !req
70. Let's just say what he does
to her, now she's doing to me.Copy !req
71. You getting paid to do whatever
keeps that woman happy.Copy !req
72. Like James Brolin.Copy !req
73. Why do I have to do that?Copy !req
74. That's why they call it
a "job," Chris.Copy !req
75. Apparently, you got it mixed up
with a vacation.Copy !req
76. There's nothing I can do?Copy !req
77. Well...Copy !req
78. Don't you think that's taking it
a little far?Copy !req
79. If it is,
then it must not be that bad.Copy !req
80. While I wanted less attention
from my boss,Copy !req
81. Tonya wanted more attention
from boys.Copy !req
82. Hey, Tonya.Copy !req
83. Do boys always pay attention
to you like that?Copy !req
84. Sometimes.Copy !req
85. Do you think I'm pretty?Copy !req
86. No!
It's not that, Tonya.Copy !req
87. Boys aren't paying
attention to me just
because I'm pretty.Copy !req
88. It's because now
I'm wearing a bra.Copy !req
89. A bra?Copy !req
90. Yep.Copy !req
91. That's why
boys like you?Copy !req
92. Yeah.
Hi, Tasha.Copy !req
93. How ya doing?Copy !req
94. Hi, Robert.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
95. Since having Stacy kidnapped
was out of my price range,Copy !req
96. I decided to make my case
with Doc.Copy !req
97. What are you
doing here, Chris?Copy !req
98. You don't work
till tomorrow.Copy !req
99. I came to talk to you
about Stacy.Copy !req
100. I love Stacy. She came by today
and brought me a pie.Copy !req
101. And if she was 13,Copy !req
102. I'd probably have
to take her from you, Doc.Copy !req
103. You'd have
to get past R. Kelly first.Copy !req
104. Ah, Stacy, mm!Copy !req
105. That is one fine... woman.Copy !req
106. Mm! I thinkCopy !req
107. she's a real keeper.Copy !req
108. What is it you wanted to ask me?Copy !req
109. Can you lend me money
for a kidnapping?Copy !req
110. Nothing. I just wondered
how you guys met.Copy !req
111. Well, that's a funny story.Copy !req
112. But not so funny
that we're gonna watch himCopy !req
113. while he tells it.Copy !req
114. Anyway, while Doc was talking
Stacy up,Copy !req
115. over at 'Nessa's
it was about to go down.Copy !req
116. Hi. May I help you?Copy !req
117. I hope so.Copy !req
118. I need a touch-up,
I need a little trim.Copy !req
119. I need some lowlights
and I need to get out of hereCopy !req
120. inside of two hours.Copy !req
121. You need an
appointment.Copy !req
122. I'm sorry.
We're all booked up.Copy !req
123. No, you're not.Copy !req
124. There's an empty
chair right there.Copy !req
125. That client is running
a little late.Copy !req
126. She'll be here any minute.Copy !req
127. Well, I'm here,
and she's not.Copy !req
128. Excuse me. What do you think
you're doing?Copy !req
129. I don't understand
why I have to wait to be servedCopy !req
130. while you hold
a spot for somebodyCopy !req
131. that obviously doesn't respect
your business enoughCopy !req
132. to show up here on time.Copy !req
133. Or is that why
the place is empty?Copy !req
134. Now wait a minute,
Miss Thing.Copy !req
135. I have two questions for you.
Who are you and...Copy !req
136. And who asked you?Copy !req
137. I'm Stacy Deveaux.
It's French.Copy !req
138. Mm, do you want to hear
some more French?Copy !req
139. I know you.Copy !req
140. You the one been messing
with Doc.Copy !req
141. I am not "messing" with Doc.Copy !req
142. We're a couple.Copy !req
143. And that's a little bit
different than a mess.Copy !req
144. Not too much.Copy !req
145. Excuse me?Copy !req
146. You're excused.Copy !req
147. Okay, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.Copy !req
148. I'm sorry. We can't help you.Copy !req
149. Yes, you are sorry.Copy !req
150. And you don't need to help me.Copy !req
151. You need to help yourself.Copy !req
152. I know you are, but what am I?Copy !req
153. I asked Greg
what to do about Stacy,Copy !req
154. and he gave me the advice
he always gave regarding women.Copy !req
155. I don't know what
to tell you, dude.Copy !req
156. Thanks.Copy !req
157. Stacy really
that bad?Copy !req
158. Last weekend, she made me give
her grandmother a bath.Copy !req
159. Chris, I hear you sneaking out!Copy !req
160. Don't you leave me
in this tub again!Copy !req
161. Why don't you just quit?
You can find another job.Copy !req
162. Not like this one.Copy !req
163. I mean, I make decent money,
it's close to my house,Copy !req
164. and I can make my own hours.Copy !req
165. It's either Doc's
or I start dealing crack.Copy !req
166. How come she's not with Doc
anyways?Copy !req
167. Where is he?Copy !req
168. He plays chess in the park
on weekends.Copy !req
169. Just get her to go with him.Copy !req
170. Thanks, Captain Obvious.Copy !req
171. How am I supposed to do that?Copy !req
172. I don't know, citizen.Copy !req
173. Captain Obvious only gives you
the obvious solution.Copy !req
174. The rest is up to you.Copy !req
175. Kind oflike Google.Copy !req
176. While Doc tried
to protect his king,Copy !req
177. I tried to get rid
of his queen.Copy !req
178. Where's your old lady?Copy !req
179. I left her at the store.Copy !req
180. No need to bring
sand to the beach.Copy !req
181. Who you calling sand?Copy !req
182. I had to get Stacy with Doc.Copy !req
183. And once I went to the park,
I found out what I had to do.Copy !req
184. I had to get Doc to take sand
to the beach.Copy !req
185. Check.Copy !req
186. Checkmate.Copy !req
187. Here's your dress.Copy !req
188. They said to give you
this card.Copy !req
189. It's for another
dry cleaners you
might want to try.Copy !req
190. It's in Canada.Copy !req
191. Go get me some
egg foo yung at Woo's.Copy !req
192. Ooh, I need
some stamps, too.Copy !req
193. And then run by my
apartment and see
if the mail came in.Copy !req
194. I don't want
my check to get stolen.Copy !req
195. Before I went on my next run,Copy !req
196. I decided to give her
the runaround.Copy !req
197. So, um, what exactly
does Doc do on the weekends?Copy !req
198. He's playing chess at the park.Copy !req
199. At the park?
With the sugar daddies?Copy !req
200. The who?Copy !req
201. Oh, the sugar daddies.Copy !req
202. You know, that's what the ladies
call them.Copy !req
203. What ladies?Copy !req
204. The ones at the park.Copy !req
205. I can't get a girl to
talk to me at school,Copy !req
206. but these old men
have them fighting
over them.Copy !req
207. If don't have a woman
by the time I'm 60...Copy !req
208. I'll kill myself.Copy !req
209. I'm picking up chess
and going to the park.Copy !req
210. Mm, mm, mm,
I should have known better.Copy !req
211. Should have known better what?Copy !req
212. Known better than to listen
to a sneaky 15-year-old.Copy !req
213. It is the same thing
over and over again!Copy !req
214. And Stacy is tired of it!Copy !req
215. Stacy is not a fool.Copy !req
216. When Stacy smells smoke,Copy !req
217. Stacy doesn't stand around
and wait for the fire!Copy !req
218. Stacy is leaving!Copy !req
219. Referring to yourself
in the third person.Copy !req
220. It's not just
for athlete's anymore.Copy !req
221. What do you want me
to tell Doc?Copy !req
222. Tell Doc he can kiss...Copy !req
223. Your black...?Copy !req
224. Don't tell Doc anything.Copy !req
225. It's not your job.Copy !req
226. First time she ever said that.Copy !req
227. I was like Cupid's retarded
little brother.Copy !req
228. Damn, I'm good.Copy !req
229. After I dropped
the bomb on Stacy,Copy !req
230. unfortunately, Stacy
dropped the bomb on Doc.Copy !req
231. Hey, Doc.Copy !req
232. What are you
doing here?Copy !req
233. Where's Stacy?
She's gone.Copy !req
234. I found this letter.Copy !req
235. She said it's over.Copy !req
236. Called me every
name in the book.Copy !req
237. You can never find
that book at the library.Copy !req
238. I don't understand.Copy !req
239. Did something happen yesterday?
No.Copy !req
240. Unless you think me sabotaging
your relationship is strange.Copy !req
241. I just can't figure it out.Copy !req
242. You okay?Copy !req
243. I'm not feeling very well.Copy !req
244. I'm gonna go in the backCopy !req
245. and lie down.Copy !req
246. Get that bottle
of whisky for me.Copy !req
247. At least he didn't ask me
for a box of tissues.Copy !req
248. And get me that box of tissues.Copy !req
249. Doc hadn't needed
whiskey and tissuesCopy !req
250. since Maceo Parker
left James Brown's band.Copy !req
251. At Tonya's school,Copy !req
252. her first day of wearing a bra
alsoinvolved a box of tissues.Copy !req
253. Because, as it turns out,Copy !req
254. they were useful
for the end of relationshipsCopy !req
255. and for the beginning.Copy !req
256. Hi, Tonya.
Hey, Tonya.Copy !req
257. Inside of two minutes,
Tonya discoveredCopy !req
258. bras not only
got you attention,Copy !req
259. they got you favors.Copy !req
260. Can I buy you lunch?
Can I do your homework?Copy !req
261. They got you gifts.Copy !req
262. Voila!Copy !req
263. You bought me a car?Copy !req
264. I-If you don't like it,
I could get you another
one— but I'll need a day.Copy !req
265. And they also
got you questions.Copy !req
266. Tonya, that's a nice necklace—
where'd you get it?Copy !req
267. Oh, this boy gave it to me.Copy !req
268. Well, give it back—
you're too young to be
getting gifts from boys.Copy !req
269. Julius, don't get carried away—
it's just a plastic necklace.Copy !req
270. Next it'll be
a plastic bracelet,Copy !req
271. then a plastic ring.Copy !req
272. I want this to
stop at the neck.Copy !req
273. He said that
till she turned 35.Copy !req
274. Hey, Drew, how's Doc?Copy !req
275. I didn't see him today—
he closed the store.Copy !req
276. He's all depressedCopy !req
277. because his girlfriend
left him.Copy !req
278. What?
Well, you
ask me,Copy !req
279. Doc just dodged a bullet.Copy !req
280. She was nothing
but a gold digger anyway.Copy !req
281. What's a gold digger?
It's a woman who's with
an older man for his money.Copy !req
282. Isn't that an "old digger"?Copy !req
283. Just because Doc
has a little moneyCopy !req
284. doesn't make her a gold digger.Copy !req
285. Besides, what's wrong with
Doc having a younger woman?Copy !req
286. Is that what you're gonna
say to me when I turn 60?Copy !req
287. You just gonna leave
me and run offCopy !req
288. with a 35Copy !req
289. She should be about 12
right about now.Copy !req
290. Why don't you run out and
buy her a plastic necklace?Copy !req
291. Of the million things my father
could've said at that moment,Copy !req
292. he chose the smartest one—
nothing.Copy !req
293. Did Doc say when
he was gonna reopen?Copy !req
294. He said he might never reopen.Copy !req
295. I got rid of Stacy, my jobCopy !req
296. and Doc's will to live—
way to go, dummy.Copy !req
297. Tonya!Copy !req
298. Tonya, are you up there?Copy !req
299. Tonya?Copy !req
300. What are you doing?Copy !req
301. I was looking for you.Copy !req
302. Oh, well, it's time
for you to go to school.Copy !req
303. Okay.Copy !req
304. While Doc was feeding the bums,
losing Stacy was eating him up.Copy !req
305. You spoken to Stacy?Copy !req
306. No. She won't see me.Copy !req
307. Drew said that you
were thinking about
closing up the store.Copy !req
308. I'm gonna pack up my things
and move to Florida,Copy !req
309. buy a boat...Copy !req
310. be sad there.Copy !req
311. You're leaving?Copy !req
312. I know.Copy !req
313. I know how much you
liked that job, Chris.Copy !req
314. I'm sorry this
had to happen.Copy !req
315. Especially since
it was my own fault.Copy !req
316. When my mother found the bra
in my father's sock drawer,Copy !req
317. she stared at it like
the woman was still in it.Copy !req
318. Over at Stacy's,
I didn't know what was worse,Copy !req
319. having to confess
what I had doneCopy !req
320. or feeling like
I was in the Bronx Zoo.Copy !req
321. So, what'd you want
to talk to me about?Copy !req
322. You got to give Doc
another chance.Copy !req
323. Chris...Copy !req
324. Doc is a liar.Copy !req
325. And I know that you want
to take up for him,Copy !req
326. but he doesn't deserve
another chance.Copy !req
327. Ooh! He is likeCopy !req
328. all the other men
I've ever dated!Copy !req
329. He lied, they lied,
because they're liars.Copy !req
330. The story of
the Bush Administration.Copy !req
331. Doc's not like that.Copy !req
332. He is.Copy !req
333. Chris.Copy !req
334. Don't...Copy !req
335. grow up to be like that.Copy !req
336. No matter how much
you think you may
hurt a woman's feelings,Copy !req
337. you have to tell her the truth.Copy !req
338. She may hate you,Copy !req
339. she may burn down your houseCopy !req
340. or pour bleach
on your clothes,Copy !req
341. or... attack your
new girlfriend with antsCopy !req
342. or take every dime
you make.Copy !req
343. She may scratch your car
with a rakeCopy !req
344. or use your home phone
to call China long distance.Copy !req
345. Or she could put milk
and detergent in your gas tank.Copy !req
346. Or put turpentine
and nail polish removerCopy !req
347. and itching powder
in your underwear.Copy !req
348. She may glue your private parts
to your leg.Copy !req
349. She may send
an assassination threatCopy !req
350. to the president with
your return address.Copy !req
351. Uh, Stacy?Copy !req
352. Hm?Copy !req
353. Doc didn't do anything.Copy !req
354. It was me— I lied.Copy !req
355. Chris...Copy !req
356. don't you see how he's using
a child to make excuses for him?Copy !req
357. He's not.Copy !req
358. The truth is, Stacy...
I don't like you,Copy !req
359. and I didn't like how hard
you were making me work.Copy !req
360. I was trying to get rid of you.Copy !req
361. Trying to break you and Doc up.Copy !req
362. WhatCopy !req
363. You're making me
clean your house!Copy !req
364. You missed a spot.
See?Copy !req
365. Chris, everybody likes me.Copy !req
366. No. Nobody likes you.Copy !req
367. Except for Doc and Drew—
and Drew doesn't count;Copy !req
368. he just likes pie.Copy !req
369. How's that for honest?Copy !req
370. Now she's gonna burn
your house down.Copy !req
371. Are you gonna burn
my house down?Copy !req
372. No.Copy !req
373. Glue my eyelids shut?Copy !req
374. Chris, no.Copy !req
375. Just a little surprised.Copy !req
376. A lot surprised.Copy !req
377. Well...Copy !req
378. Doc really misses you.Copy !req
379. He didn't do anything
to deserve this,
and neither did you.Copy !req
380. So...Copy !req
381. just wanted to
say I'm sorry.Copy !req
382. Chris...Copy !req
383. I am very disappointed in you.Copy !req
384. And as soon as you finish
washing the dishes,Copy !req
385. I want you out of my house.Copy !req
386. Where you going?Copy !req
387. I'm going to get my man.Copy !req
388. Unless Apocalypto
throws a spear in you.Copy !req
389. another was on death rowCopy !req
390. Dinner smells delicious.Copy !req
391. What is it?Copy !req
392. Two breasts.Copy !req
393. Since I found this braCopy !req
394. in your sock drawer!Copy !req
395. What?Copy !req
396. If my father had
been paying attention,Copy !req
397. he would've noticed
a few things.Copy !req
398. I don't know anything
about that bra.Copy !req
399. I've never seen
that bra in my life?Copy !req
400. So what was it doing
in your sock drawer?Copy !req
401. I have no idea.Copy !req
402. Oh. Did a pair
of your socksCopy !req
403. have a date last night
and get lucky?Copy !req
404. Or maybe a pair
of your socksCopy !req
405. thought it was a bra
trapped inside socks' body!Copy !req
406. Or maybe...Copy !req
407. you had a friend over,
and she put 'em there.Copy !req
408. Even if I had a friend...Copy !req
409. Shut up.Copy !req
410. and I was crazy enough
to bring her over...Copy !req
411. Shut up.Copy !req
412. do you thinkCopy !req
413. I'd be crazy enough
to put a braCopy !req
414. in my sock drawer
when I know you do the laundry?Copy !req
415. Would you shut up!Copy !req
416. So you thought about this?Copy !req
417. Itoldyour ass to shut up.Copy !req
418. No!Copy !req
419. Then if youdidn't put it there,Copy !req
420. who did?Copy !req
421. Okay,Copy !req
422. I'm gonna ask
this question once.Copy !req
423. But before I ask it,Copy !req
424. I want y'all to understand
what the stakes are.Copy !req
425. Because if y'all sayCopy !req
426. that you've never seen
that bra before,Copy !req
427. I'm gonna kill your father.Copy !req
428. Yeah, and then I'm
gonna go to jail,Copy !req
429. and then you guysCopy !req
430. are gonna be split upCopy !req
431. and sent to live
in foster care.Copy !req
432. Sounds like a BET
movie-of-the-week.Copy !req
433. So, does everybody understand?Copy !req
434. Okay.Copy !req
435. Okay, the question is,Copy !req
436. did anybody
sitting at this tableCopy !req
437. put that bra in your
father's sock drawer?Copy !req
438. No.Copy !req
439. Wasn't me.Copy !req
440. We have a winner.Copy !req
441. Okay, boys, you
can go to bed now.Copy !req
442. Gladly!Copy !req
443. Julius, you
can leave, too.Copy !req
444. You're lucky.Copy !req
445. Okay, Tonya,
talk to me.Copy !req
446. W-Well, I saw these boysCopy !req
447. paying attention to girls
who wear bras,Copy !req
448. so I stole Tasha's,Copy !req
449. because I wanted some
of that attention, too.Copy !req
450. Baby...Copy !req
451. Tonya, that's not the kind
of attention that you want.Copy !req
452. You want boys to look
at what's in your heart,Copy !req
453. not what's in your bra.Copy !req
454. In my sister's case,
they were both empty.Copy !req
455. Tonya, you're
moving too fast.Copy !req
456. I mean, you're not
ready for this.Copy !req
457. What did you do,
stick tissue in it?Copy !req
458. Yeah.Copy !req
459. Okay, well...Copy !req
460. Tonya, you having
a bra is like...Copy !req
461. you buying a saddle
before you get the horse.Copy !req
462. You know, boys will
pay attention to you,Copy !req
463. but they're not really
looking at you,Copy !req
464. they're admiring
your saddle.Copy !req
465. And-and-and...Copy !req
466. when you do
get the horse,Copy !req
467. then everything
is different,Copy !req
468. because then you
need the saddle.Copy !req
469. Wait, are we talking
about bras or saddles?Copy !req
470. Saddles!Copy !req
471. It wasn't pretty,Copy !req
472. but Doc had gotten his nights
back with his queen.Copy !req
473. You know
your king's in check?Copy !req
474. He most certainly is.Copy !req
475. Stacy was back with DocCopy !req
476. and out of the store
on weekends,Copy !req
477. which was all I ever wanted.Copy !req
478. Doc had said he was
getting another cashier.Copy !req
479. Whoever it was, they would
have to be better than Stacy.Copy !req
480. Hey, Lionel Richie,
you're late.Copy !req
481. Get busy. Scrub floor.Copy !req