Everybody Hates Chris 4x5

Directed by Jerry Levine

Although warned by Greg that it's a bad idea, Chris starts to help the football team with their homework as a means to socialize with the cool kids. As a result, Chris ends up failing his own exams. Meanwhile, Julius begins a new job collecting dead bodies for Mr. Omar's funeral home and soon finds himself appreciating life more. He begins to buy numerous gifts for his friends and relatives, but then ends up with financial troubles.

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1. When I became football team manager,

2. I learned the first rule of sports:

3. When they're not playing,

4. athletes expect other people to do things for them.

5. They expected you to do easy things.

6. Hey, Chris.

7. Hit that pedal for me.

8. Ah, thanks, man.

9. I got any water on my face?

10. They expected you to do hard things.

11. Hey, Chris, put this back in the weight room for me.

12. They expected you to do ridiculous things.

13. Hey, Chris, could you eat this for me?

14. I don't like it.

15. But mostly, they expected you to do things they couldn'tdo.

16. Hey, Chris, I need to talk to you, man.

17. What's up?

18. What's up is Coach Thurman's gonna fail me.

19. Fail you? You're, like, the best guy on the team.

20. All you have to do is show up and it's automatic "A."

21. Why would he fail you? Something about me never showing up to class.

22. Look, he's trippin'.

23. I don't know why we need to learn about history anyway.

24. What difference does it make who won World War III?

25. It's over.

26. The Japanese won,

27. and now we have Walkmans.

28. Thank God Italy won World War IV

29. and we got pizza.

30. So, what you gonna do about it?

31. It's not what I'm gonna do about it,

32. it's what you're gonna do about it.

33. I need you to do my history assignments for me.

34. Man, this is a lot of work.

35. Come on, man, I thought we were cool.

36. What am I gonna get out of it?

37. I'll owe you one.

38. You will? Yeah.

39. Even though doing Dickerson's work

40. was like taking an extra class,

41. I knew him owing me one would be worth it.

42. All right, I'll do it.

43. My man.

44. Captioning sponsored by

45. When Dickerson said "my man,"

46. it was like making me vice president.

47. It was the next best thing to being him.

48. What's this? It's your homework.

49. and how it affected the serfs in rural England.

50. Hey. My man!

51. That's it?

52. That's what?

53. I had expected a little more.

54. I thought by being cool with Dickerson,

55. a whole new world would open up...

56. in school... That'll be a dollar.

57. Whoa, whoa. His lunch is free.

58. That's my man.

59. after class...

60. Give him your number.

61. That's my man.

62. even in the streets.

63. What do we have here?

64. Aw, look at that.

65. Hey, hey, don't arrest him.

66. That's my man.

67. Oh, my bad.

68. Excuse me. Sorry.

69. There you go.

70. You got it. No problem.

71. Good to see you.

72. Yo. You're just gonna knock my man's stuff

73. out of his hand and not pick it up?

74. Sorry.

75. Caruso knows how to say "sorry"?

76. Anyway, what'd you want?

77. Nothing.

78. My man.

79. Back at home, I wasn't the only one

80. who needed a new man on the job.

81. Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Julius.

82. Exactly the man I was looking for.

83. Is everything all right?

84. Actually, I got a bit of a situation.

85. You wouldn't know anyone looking for a job, would you?

86. Me! Me!

87. I want a job! Me!

88. Whoo!

89. I want a... Me!

90. What kind of job?

91. I mean, I might be interested.

92. If my father had been a rapper,

93. his name would've been Snoop Jobby-Job.

94. Don't you already have two jobs?

95. You want another one?

96. That's like asking Amy Winehouse

97. if she wants another drink?

98. Well, what's the job?

99. Well, my assistant died today.

100. Oh, no. What happened?

101. Well, he went to a dollar theater

102. to watch the movie Airplane, when ironically,

103. a chemical toilet fell out of an airplane,

104. crashed through the roof and crushed him.

105. Tragic.

106. Tragic!

107. Anyway, I need a replacement.

108. What would I have to do?

109. Well... you know, pickups, deliveries.

110. That's what I already do.

111. Well, all right, then, you're hired!

112. Uh, here you go.

113. Now, the van's out front.

114. What's this?

115. Oh, the address to the theater.

116. I need you to pick up my dead assistant,

117. row J, seat 15.

118. And I believe

119. he's entitled to a refund,

120. so you keep that as a signing bonus.

121. With a new job and a signing bonus,

122. my father thought he had been hit by a chemical toilet

123. and gone to Heaven.

124. Meanwhile, doing Dickerson's work was killing me.

125. Yo, Chris.

126. You didn't finish that homework?

127. Oh, yeah— this is my homework.

128. I did yours last night.

129. There.

130. It's a complete time line of the significant events

131. that led up to World War I.

132. My man!

133. Hey, get me a sandwich— turkey with, uh,

134. cheese and mayo on it.

135. They don't have that today.

136. They got it across the street.

137. Cool.

138. My man!

139. Hey, Walter. Hey, Carol. You hungry?

140. My man was just about to get me a sandwich.

141. I'll take one.

142. Make that two.

143. Cool.

144. My man!

145. Dude, just then, am I crazy,

146. or when Dickerson said "my man" was he talking to you?

147. Yeah, he was talking to me.

148. That's awesome!

149. You're, like, his number-two guy now.

150. It's like Chico and the Man,

151. My Man Godfrey, Our Man Flint.

152. I can't even imagine— the perks gotta be great.

153. Well, so far the only perk is

154. Caruso saw me earlier and didn't punch me in the face.

155. What's up, Parish? Hey, Bird.

156. So, what's up with you and Dickerson?

157. You guys hanging out?

158. That's your man? You're cool?

159. Basically, yeah.

160. Huh. What about you,

161. are you cool with Dickerson, too?

162. Nah, just him.

163. Cool.

164. Greg did a nice job of waiting ten seconds

165. before crying.

166. After a full day of hanging with Dickerson,

167. I was hung up at home, too. Boy, put that away.

168. You got that much work, you have to do it during dinner?

169. I have a lot this week— I was up late last night.

170. I'm just trying to get it done.

171. Hey, baby!

172. What's up, Chris?

173. Drew.

174. Pssh!

175. Baby girl.

176. Hey.

177. This smells good!

178. Whew!

179. Rochelle, did you do something new with your hair?

180. I combed it.

181. It looks great.

182. Doesn't your mother's hair look great?

183. CHRIS/TONYA/DREW: I don't know.

184. Well, I think it looks great.

185. Can I get finger waves in my hair?

186. You got finger wave money?

187. Uh, I could give her finger waves.

188. All you need is a perm kit, holding gel,

189. some gloves and your fingers.

190. I don't think so, baby.

191. I'll give you ten dollars if you need it.

192. You been drinking?

193. No. I just feel good today.

194. Dad, you said you'd just pay for finger waves.

195. Did you get knocked

196. over your head and forget you were broke?

197. No.

198. Did aliens kidnap you and replace you with a rich guy?

199. No. Can I get new earrings?

200. Sure.

201. What's going on with you?

202. What are you talking about?

203. You're singing and dancing

204. and willing to pay

205. for finger waves and earrings?

206. Are you leaving us for a white woman?

207. No. It's just being at this new job,

208. I'm with dead people everywhere I go.

209. It just makes me feel like I need to appreciate life a little more.

210. Oh, this is good!

211. What is this, baby?

212. Vegetables.

213. You kids try this?

214. Chris, pass me the big piece of carrot.

215. I don't know how you can stand being around all those dead people.

216. I love it.

217. It makes you realize that life is short.

218. Anything can happen at any time—

219. a toilet could fall out of the sky and crush you.

220. A bus door

221. could clamp on your neck and choke you.

222. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you.

223. You could fall off a bridge and drown.

224. And you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated.

225. You could be smoking a cigarette

226. and blow up while siphoning

227. 65 cents' worth of gas.

228. And you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea

229. and die of dehydration.

230. You could step in a puddle

231. and be electrocuted by a downed wire.

232. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...

233. Okay, okay, we get it!

234. We can die at any time,

235. and you're happy! That's right.

236. Ma, can I go?

237. I got to get to school.

238. Hold on.

239. Since I'm happy, I want you all to be happy.

240. I bought you all some presents.

241. You did what?

242. Drew, I got you a Kangol hat.

243. Ah, cool.

244. Wait, wait, wait.

245. That thing is expensive. Tonya,

246. I got you a Danny Glover Witness Action Play Set.

247. You bought your daughter

248. a gun?

249. It's just like the one

250. he wounded Harrison Ford with— thanks, Daddy!

251. They were out of The Color Purple Play Set.

252. Chris, I got you

253. the heavy-duty garbage bag with the quick ties

254. so they won't break when you carry a heavy load.

255. Ah. 13-gallon.

256. I was wondering how you were gonna top

257. the Danny Glover thing. Julius, we have

258. bills to pay, and you're giving out gifts?

259. What about the present to the gas company,

260. the electric company,

261. the water company?

262. This is...

263. $47.92 that you just spent on the kids!

264. Should my garbage bags really count in that total?

265. Not just for the kids.

266. This is for you!

267. Oh! That's Armando Vermani!

268. I love Armando Vermani!

269. It's all leather!

270. Oh, baby, this is beautiful!

271. I thought you were mad because he was spending money.

272. Girl, shut up and go play with your gun.

273. Oh, I got to put this in plastic!

274. I wasn't happy about what I was getting at home,

275. and I was even less happy about what was happening at school.

276. What? I knew this was gonna happen.

277. Did you hear what she said? Who

278. We have a test tomorrow—

279. she went over all the stuff today in class. We do?

280. Dude, you're burning the candle at both ends.

281. There's no way you can do another guy's work

282. and still have time for your own stuff.

283. It's like cheating on a girlfriend.

284. If you've never had a girlfriend.

285. I'm fine. Dude, you're not fine.

286. Unless you want to fail your classes,

287. you better tell Dickerson you're not doing any more of his work.

288. Just calm down— I-I can handle this.

289. Yeah, right after you finish your nap?

290. I miss being able to nap in the middle of the day.

291. So far, all I had gotten from doing Dickerson's work

292. was drool on my shirt.

293. I didn't know if things would get any better,

294. so I decided to get out before things got worse.

295. Dickerson, I need to talk to you.

296. Yo. I need to talk to you.

297. Thurman pulled out the big guns.

298. He said I need to turn in an essay

299. on the aftermath of World War I.

300. And if I don't pull at least a "B,"

301. yo, I won't play in the next game.

302. An essay?

303. Yeah. You know, like, 20-25 pages.

304. You can do that, right?

305. Yeah. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

306. Dickerson, listen Look, I...

307. Hi, Walter. Hey, Chris.

308. Hey... Carol.

309. Uh, she's Carol. I'm Carole with an "e."

310. A lot of people make that mistake.

311. Oh. You didn't tell me you had a sister.

312. I don't.

313. You're not twins?

314. No. Why?

315. You're joking.

316. Now, why would they joke about that?

317. They look exactly alike.

318. Hmm. You think so?

319. Man, you need glasses.

320. We were wondering

321. if you could do us a favor.

322. Of course he can do you a favor.

323. Look, this is my man.

324. Chris, you wouldn't leave my girls hanging, would you?

325. No.

326. Great. Here.

327. What's this? Just some math.

328. It's easy.

329. Then why don't you do it?

330. Hey, well, look, we're getting ready to go

331. eat lunch, my man.

332. You want to come?

333. Finally! Yeah.

334. Psyche!

335. Man, you ain't got time to eat,

336. 'cause you got to work, but that was funny.

337. We'll catch you later, all right?

338. Yeah.

339. My man.

340. At school, things were getting ugly,

341. but to my father, life was beautiful.

342. I don't know what's got into you,

343. but I hope it don't get out.

344. You know, James, life is short.

345. I mean, one day, you could pick your toenail and...

346. End up with a bad viral infection

347. and have to get your foot amputated.

348. We got it.

349. Look, before you get to the next scenario,

350. can I get that cash? Oh.

351. Let's see... $175 right there.

352. Yeah.

353. $175?

354. What you gonna do with all that?

355. I'm starting an answering service.

356. All I have to do is buy a couple of phones,

357. get some extra phone lines, then I can make money

358. just by taking other people's phone calls.

359. So it's like a human answering machine.

360. Exactly.

361. You know, Julius, I've been kind of depressed

362. since my father left us.

363. Can I get $20?

364. Sure. Here you go.

365. My man.

366. All right.

367. Mmm.

368. Back at school, I went from running around for Dickerson,

369. to running around for everybody.

370. Hey, Chris. Hey.

371. Dickerson said you could do my algebra homework.

372. Hey, Chris!

373. Dickerson said you'd wash my car for me.

374. Are you Christopher?

375. Yeah.

376. Dickerson said you can get the devil out of this little girl.

377. While I had it hard,

378. my father became a soft touch.

379. Hey, I need $10 for gas.

380. Regular or premium?

381. Premium.

382. There you go.

383. My man.

384. I need to get my hair dryer fixed.

385. Just buy yourself a new one.

386. Ooh!

387. I need some ammo for my bazooka.

388. Anti

389. Anti-tank, of course.

390. Oh, here you go.

391. Thank you.

392. Can you let me hold some bail money?

393. Get yourself a lawyer, too.

394. Come on. I didn't do nothing.

395. You're throwing money away.

396. No, I'm not, baby.

397. I'm spreading happiness.

398. That's the only real thing you can do with life.

399. Who knows how much time we have left?

400. I do!

401. We've got 18 years left to pay off this house.

402. Three kids left to put through school.

403. 14 days left to pay off last month's gas bill.

404. And you got one more bounce

405. before I shove that ball down your throat.

406. That's my point, Rochelle.

407. I could be dead before my threesies.

408. Julius, you have got to quit this job.

409. I don't want to quit this job.

410. I want to be happy.

411. You want to be happy.

412. Okay, one question: Do you want to be happy

413. or do you want to be married?

414. Why can't you have both?

415. Just kidding.

416. My dad wasn't the only one who had to pay the piper.

417. I got an "A." What did you get?

418. Wow an "F."

419. You think that stands for "fantastic?"

420. You could've just said, "I hate to say I told you so."

421. I told you so.

422. If smacking Greg is wrong, I don't want to be right.

423. After getting an "F,"

424. no matter what Dickerson said,

425. I knew it was time to be my own man.

426. My man.

427. Hey, look, I need you to do me

428. one of those summaries again for my English class.

429. Dickerson, I can't do this anymore.

430. I'm sorry. What are you talking about?

431. I've been spending so much time on your work,

432. I don't have time to do my work.

433. What are you trying to say?

434. I'm saying I've been spending so much time on your work,

435. I don't have time to do my work.

436. But I thought you was my man.

437. I was.

438. Hey, Dickerson, he's not your man anymore?

439. No. I guess not.

440. I can't believe you came down here after our conversation.

441. Rochelle, I know you're concerned right now,

442. but if you knew how I felt,

443. you'd want me to keep feeling this way.

444. Oh, hey, Ms. Rochelle.

445. Here's the address, Mr. Julius.

446. Oh, by the say is it possible to borrow $40?

447. Sure.

448. I'll pay you back next week.

449. Don't worry about it.

450. My man.

451. Bye, baby. Bye, baby.

452. Have a good day.

453. Good man.

454. You got to fire him,

455. and you have to fire him today.

456. Why would I want to do that?

457. I've never seen a man be so happy with his work.

458. He is throwing money away like there's no tomorrow.

459. Well, there might not be a tomorrow.

460. Well, if there is, you ain't gonna have no place to live.

461. What you talking about?

462. Let me remind you

463. you're a tenant in our house.

464. If we lose the home, you lose your...

465. He's fired.

466. Thank you.

467. If you're keeping score, that's happy: zero,

468. my mother: one.

469. Helping out Dickerson was a bad idea,

470. and when I stopped, it got even worse.

471. You wanted to see me?

472. Oh, yes. Yeah.

473. I have here Mr. Dickerson's essay, in which he received

474. a grade of "B."

475. But I'm not so sure he actually wrote this paper.

476. Why not?

477. Walter, who was in World War One?

478. Um... Earth and Jupiter.

479. Now you see why I'm not sure?

480. Maybe he forgot.

481. Forgot Forgot what?

482. Forgot who was in World War One,

483. or forgot to not sign your name on his paper, hmm?

484. Or not do the whole thing in your handwriting?

485. The two of you, huh?

486. You insult my intelligence.

487. Maybe if I was blind, you could turn this paper in

488. and say that he wrote it,

489. but I'm not blind. Hmm?

490. Do I look blind

491. Do I have black sunglasses and a piano?

492. Actually, he did.

493. You. You're suspended from tomorrow's game.

494. Coach, I'm not suiting up?

495. Oh, sure, you can suit up.

496. But do it at home.

497. And after you suit up,

498. I want you to write me an essay

499. on the events leading up to World War Two.

500. And you.

501. I know, detention.

502. Oh, no. Detention is way too easy.

503. You turned your back on easy

504. when you did his paper, Cool Breeze.

505. So, Lincoln goes through all this trouble

506. to issue the Emancipation Proclamation,

507. frees your people from slavery, and what do you do?

508. you run around doing other people's work for them.

509. You're killing me.

510. Et tu Kunta Kinte?

511. I'm sorry. No. I'm sorry.

512. But I'm going to help you out.

513. Maybe Lincoln couldn't get to you, but I can.

514. What are you going to do?

515. Wouldn't you like to know?

516. Oh, how was your day with the dead people?

517. I got fired today.

518. Fired?

519. Yes, fired.

520. Fired

521. You've never been fired a day in your life

522. Yes, fired.

523. Fired. That is ridiculous.

524. Why would he do such a thing?

525. He said he wanted a full-time person.

526. He said crack was making his business boom.

527. Fired. Oh, baby, and you were so happy.

528. That's true.

529. Seeing those bodies every day was an epiphany for me.

530. Mm. Well, that epiphany cost $867.42.

531. What?

532. That's when my father realized epiphanies are expensive.

533. Man. Epiphanies are expensive.

534. Then he had another epiphany.

535. I'm never going to get that money back.

536. Yes, you will. I will?

537. I took all that stuff back.

538. And here.

539. No, baby, you can keep that.

540. Okay. Hey, Dad.

541. Do you think Drew can borrow one of your hats?

542. Hat?

543. Drew, get in here.

544. What the hell happened to your head?

545. Before I gave Tonya a finger wave,

546. I decided I'd try it on myself.

547. But I think I left the perm in too long.

548. That's $10 worth of perm.

549. Do I really have to do this?

550. So, Chris, you want to work for people?

551. You want to do what he does?

552. You do everything he does.

553. I want you to get out on that field, and...

554. Rock broken up by number 72.

555. Where'd you go? I wasn't done talking yet.

556. What I was saying was, I want you do get out on that field...