1. Out of all the girls
I liked growing up,
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2. the one that got to me
the most...
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3. was Tasha.
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4. Boy, you so crazy.
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5. She was cute,
she liked my jokes,
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6. but the most important thing
about her
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7. was that she was
the girl next door.
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8. I'll see you later.
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9. Yeah, see you.
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10. Like real estate,
Tasha's biggest selling point
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11. was location,
location, location.
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12. I think I'm going to get Tasha
to be my girlfriend.
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13. Wow, what a coincidence.
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14. How's that?
I think I'm gonna get
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15. Janet Jackson
to be my girlfriend,
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16. and once we both achieve
the impossible,
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17. we can go
on a double date.
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18. We'll go
to the Playboy Mansion.
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19. And the girls will leave
with Pauly Shore.
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20. I'm serious, man, I
don't care what it takes.
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21. I'm going to get her.
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22. That line was spoken
by many people,
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23. most notably O.J. Simpson.
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24. I mean, I don't know why I've
been running all around town
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25. when there's a girl right
next door ready to be plucked.
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26. What if she doesn't want you
to pluck her?
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27. Somebody's got
to pluck her.
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28. What if somebody else
already plucked her?
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29. I don't care
who's plucked her.
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30. She's gonna get
plucked by me.
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31. I wish there was
somebody I could pluck.
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32. Thank goodness these guys
are good with enunciation.
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33. I don't know why
I waited so long.
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34. I don't know,
maybe there's a reason
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35. you haven't gotten
with her.
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36. Maybe you're just
not supposed to be
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37. together.
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38. That's impossible.
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39. All right?
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40. She kissed me
on New Year's Eve.
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41. We were together
for Easter.
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42. She even got jealous
when I kissed that other girl
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43. while we were playing
spin the bottle.
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44. As far as I'm concerned,
all the signs are saying "go."
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45. But they don't say where to.
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46. What if she says no?
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47. Then I'll be
back here with you,
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48. but I'm going to have her
in my life or out.
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49. Oh, I can't imagine
how this might turn out.
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50. Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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51. Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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52. Tasha, wait up.
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53. Since Tasha was
right next door,
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54. it was easy to find
the right time to make my move.
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55. Hey, Chris.
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56. Look at you,
looking all cute.
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57. What you got, some girl
you're trying to impress?
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58. Yeah... you.
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59. Boy, you so crazy.
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60. Oh, I'm crazy all right.
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61. Tasha, I'm not crazy.
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62. I'm serious.
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63. I want to say
something to you,
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64. but I want to make it
very, very clear.
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65. Okay.
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66. What is it?
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67. I want you to be
my girlfriend.
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68. I'm already your
girl friend.
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69. No, not in like a friend who
just so happens to be a girl
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70. or like "Hey, girlfriend."
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71. No, I want you
to be my girlfriend.
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72. One word,
not two.
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73. Girlfriend,
as in
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74. "Chris and Tasha
are boyfriend and girlfriend."
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75. You want me to be
your girlfriend?
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76. Exactly.
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77. Hmm...
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78. Let me think about it.
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79. I'd have a much better chance
if she didn't think about it.
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80. Superior Court of New Jersey?
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81. While I was getting things
out in the open,
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82. my mother found a skeleton
in the closet.
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83. Julius... married...
Tawny... what?
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84. Can't nobody stand you
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85. 'cause you're a liar
and you won't shut up.
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86. Shut don't go
up, prices do,
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87. so take my advice
and shut up, too.
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88. You shut up,
I grow up.
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89. Every time I see your face,
I throw up.
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90. Shut up.
The Junior Varsity
Sugar Hill Gang.
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91. Will both of
you shut up?
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92. I swear.
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93. That doesn't rhyme.
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94. Y'all couldn't be quiet
if somebody paid you.
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95. I could.
No, you couldn't.
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96. You couldn't shut up
to save your life.
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97. Quiet! Here.
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98. Here's your allowance
for this week.
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99. Okay?
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100. The next one that talks
loses theirs.
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101. Winner gets it all.
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102. While Drew and Tonya
were keeping their mouths shut,
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103. back at school
I was waiting for the word.
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104. And then I said that would
involve kissing and touching—
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105. well, I ran it down.
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106. Oh, man, you are going
to be so in there.
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107. I can't believe
you ran it down.
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108. I would have just ran.
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109. What'd she say?
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110. It means
"Let me check every option,
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111. "see if I can get
someone I want,
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112. and if not,
I'll go out with you."
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113. And when she said every option,
she meant every option.
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114. She checked blind guys.
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115. Do you have
a girlfriend?
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116. Yeah, girl.
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117. What are you, blind?
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118. She checked dangerous guys.
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119. Do you have
a girlfriend?
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120. Yeah, he does.
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121. Now, give me your money.
Don't move.
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122. She even checked guys
who were girls.
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123. Do you have a girlfriend?
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124. I'm my own girlfriend.
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125. While I was waiting
to get my woman,
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126. my father's woman was waiting
to get him.
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127. Hey, baby.
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128. Why didn't you tell me you
were married to someone else?
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129. Huh?
Now would be
a good time to run.
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130. Don't "huh?" me.
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131. Tawny Reynolds?
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132. Does the name ring a bell?
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133. You better say something.
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134. She might have a gun.
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135. Yeah.
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136. Um...
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137. It was a long time ago.
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138. It was a long time
before I even met you.
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139. I was 17 in
Atlantic City,
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140. and we were drunk.
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141. We got married.
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142. Four days later,
we were divorced.
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143. Story of Britney Spears' life.
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144. Well, not according to this.
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145. "Complaint for divorce"?
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146. That's crazy, huh?
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147. I mean, because how could
somebody divorce you
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148. unless you're
married to them?
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149. This has got to be a mistake.
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150. What marriage isn't?
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151. You know, Julius...
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152. you know how much
a lightbulb costs per watt.
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153. How can you
not know
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154. that you have another wife?
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155. Because those things
are less complicated.
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156. I do not have another wife.
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157. Yes, you do!
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158. Look, look, look, it
says so right there!
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159. You know what?
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160. What I want
to know is:
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161. if she's your wife,
then what am I?
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162. You're my wife.
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163. No!
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164. I'm your concubine!
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165. This is silly.
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166. Is she white?
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167. What?
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168. No.
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169. Can she get
the house?
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170. Rochelle...
Is she white?
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171. Stop it.
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172. Do you have a
kid with her?
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173. Is she white?
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174. No.
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175. Is the kid
light
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176. No.
Ha!
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177. So you admit that
you have a kid!
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178. Oh, God, I'm
going to be sick!
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179. There is no kid.
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180. How do you know, Julius?
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181. You didn't even know
that you didn't have a divorce!
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182. Oh, my God.
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183. W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-What's going
to happen to this family
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184. if it turns out
there's another one?
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185. Kids, I'd like to introduce you
to your new mother Tawny
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186. and your new brother Julian.
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187. Girl, you just wasted
$2.17 worth of white meat.
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188. My boy.
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189. What am I going to
say to my children?
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190. The kids are going
to be all right.
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191. Look, look...
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192. Oh... don't touch me!
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193. We'll leave them
out of this.
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194. Listen, I-I'm gonna
sign these papers
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195. and take these to
the courtroom myself
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196. and get this
straightened out.
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197. You do that.
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198. Because if you don't
straighten out
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199. what's going on
in these papers,
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200. you're going
to get a set of papers
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201. that look just like them.
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202. And she better
not be white.
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203. While my father tried
to explain
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204. why he had two women,
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205. I wanted to find out
if I had one.
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206. Hey, Chris.
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207. Oh, hey, Tasha, listen about
what I said yesterday...
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208. I thought about it.
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209. Yes.
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210. Yes, what?
Yes,
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211. I will be your girlfriend.
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212. And I get to
touch you?
Yes.
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213. In an 8:00 p.m. sitcom
kind of way.
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214. And I get to kiss you?
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215. Yes.
Ask for more, ask for more!
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216. In front of other people—
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217. not just strangers,
even people we know?
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218. Yes.
And if anybody
asks me,
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219. I can say, "Yes, Tasha
is my girlfriend"?
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220. Yes.
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221. All right.
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222. I need you
to sign this.
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223. I need your
thumbprint there.
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224. All right, now,
turn that around.
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225. Smile.
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226. Thank you.
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227. Who's this?
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228. She's notary public.
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229. There.
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230. Here you go.
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231. It's official, Chris.
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232. Tasha is your girlfriend.
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233. Somebody record this
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234. so she can't lie
and say it didn't happen.
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235. After years of walking
out my door feeling down,
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236. with Tasha right next door,
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237. I was walking out
and getting felt up.
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238. Happy anniversary.
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239. Anniversary?
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240. Yes, we've been
together a week.
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241. Here, I made you this bookmark
with our names on it.
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242. Oh... thanks.
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243. So what'd you get me?
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244. A big box of nothing.
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245. Nothing.
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246. I didn't know we celebrated
one-week anniversaries.
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247. Oh... that's okay.
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248. What she really meant was...
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249. Oh, my God.
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250. This is the worst catastrophe.
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251. I found out pretty quickly
that getting a girlfriend
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252. was a lot easier
than keeping her happy.
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253. Hey, you want to get together
later and watch some videos?
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254. I loved watching videos
with Tasha.
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255. Nah, that's okay.
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256. I also learned that before
we did what I liked to do,
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257. we had to something
she liked to do.
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258. Come here, girl, you
know I'm just playing.
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259. I got a surprise
for you later.
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260. You do.
What is it?
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261. It's a surprise to me, too.
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262. Well, I wanted to
wait until later,
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263. but, you know, after I
get home from school,
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264. I wanted to
celebrate with you.
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265. I'll bring your
present then.
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266. Good one.
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267. Ooh, and then we can go
to Mr. Woo's
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268. and get some Chinese food.
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269. Oh, and then I can tell you
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270. all about what this crazy girl
said to me at school
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271. and then we can talk
about what we're...
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272. Another thing I learned quickly
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273. is that, much like Bin Laden,
girlfriends like to make plans,
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274. and those plans
did not include Greg.
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275. Hey, what happened
to you yesterday?
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276. We were supposed to
go see Lethal Weapon.
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277. Oh, I was out with Tasha.
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278. Oh.
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279. Well, do you want
to go see it today?
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280. I can't.
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281. Why, you got
to go to work?
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282. No, me and Tasha
are going down to Al B Square
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283. to get matching
T-shirts made.
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284. More like matching blouses.
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285. Then we're going to the
photo booth to get pictures
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286. and then we're gonna get
something to eat.
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287. I knew this was
going to happen.
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288. What?
Don't you see?
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289. She's taking
over your life.
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290. She's got you running
around in matching clothes.
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291. It's like you're a
life-size Ken doll.
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292. I have one thing Ken doesn't.
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293. So what?
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294. Okay, I got
a girlfriend.
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295. What are you, jealous?
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296. Of course, I'm jealous.
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297. But this isn't about
me; it's about you.
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298. I thought you were
gonna be so in there.
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299. Turns out you can't
get out of there.
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300. It's like you're a
puppet and she's got
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301. her hand stuck
up your...
Hey.
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302. She did?
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303. Yeah.
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304. Twice.
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305. Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya
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306. continued their war
of no words.
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307. Drew went to the Ike Turner
School of Sign Language.
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308. To save his marriage,
my father had to get a divorce.
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309. How could you not know
that you're not divorced?
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310. I signed the papers
and sent them back to her.
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311. How was I supposed to know
she didn't file them?
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312. Because you didn't get
your final decree.
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313. I didn't know I needed
a final decree.
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314. Well, you
should have.
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315. Who knows what this woman
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316. might have been
doing in your name?
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317. She could have been
holding up banks,
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318. taking out loans.
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319. Invading Iraq?
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320. Did you have
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321. any kids with her?
No.
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322. Is she white?
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323. No, she is not white.
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324. Hmm.
Listen,
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325. let me throw a hypothetical
situation at you.
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326. This should be good.
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327. Say there
was a person
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328. who thought he
was divorced...
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329. A person?
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330. A person...
and that person
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331. went and got married again
and had some kids.
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332. Then, he got some papers
that said he was still married
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333. to another person.
Hypothetically.
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334. Hypothetically.
Well,
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335. that person could be arrested
and hypothetically sent to jail
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336. as a bigamist.
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337. Or just move to Utah.
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338. Does this mean that person's
current marriage is not valid?
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339. Hypothetically, no,
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340. but between you, me
and your hypothetical friend,
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341. as long as he
files these papers
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342. and gets his final decree
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343. and everyone here stays lazy,
he'll be fine.
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344. That's good news.
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345. Hypothetically.
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346. Mm-hmm.
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347. Can I ask you
a hypothetical question?
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348. Yeah.
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349. Is she white?
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350. No, she is not white.
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351. We'll mail the divorce decree
in a few days.
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352. When a guy has a girlfriend,
he wants to get her alone.
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353. You want to get
together tonight
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354. and watch some videos?
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355. But when a girl
has a boyfriend,
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356. she wants to show him around.
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357. Can we go
to Yvette's first?
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358. I want you to meet her
and Angela.
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359. When I got with Tasha,
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360. I thought I couldn't
get enough of her.
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361. So, we watching
videos tonight?
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362. Can I bring Rene
and Tina?
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363. What I found out
was I could barely get to her.
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364. While my father was waiting
for his final decree,
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365. my mother was acting
like it was over.
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366. Hey, baby.
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367. Does your wife know
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368. that you're hugging
up to another woman?
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369. What are you doing?
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370. Looking for
apartments.
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371. The kids and I need a place
that we can call our own.
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372. Rochelle, this
is your place.
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373. Really?
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374. Well, how do I know that
if you die right now,
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375. some white woman
wouldn't come
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376. and take your Social
Security, the house,
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377. the car, and me and the
kids be on the street?
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378. Who does she think he is,
James Brown?
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379. Look, I filed
the papers.
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380. This should all be over soon.
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381. Well, until then,
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382. you can sleep on the couch.
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383. After a few days of no luck
with getting it on,
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384. I decided to take a day off.
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385. Hey, you want to go
see Lethal Weapon?
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386. You're kidding me,
right?
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387. When?
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388. Now.
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389. Don't you have
to go meet more
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390. of Tasha's girlfriends?
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391. Nah, man, I'm
done with that.
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392. So, uh, you guys
check out any videos?
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393. I wish.
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394. Look, until we start doing
something that I want to do,
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395. I'm gonna do stuff
that I want to do.
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396. I'm gonna call Doc
and tell him I'm gonna
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397. come in tomorrow
instead of today.
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398. Surprise!
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399. Hey, honey.
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400. Hey, Greg.
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401. What are you doing here?
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402. I was thinking we could go
to the movies, you know,
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403. maybe see Fatal Attraction
with Yvette and Rhonda.
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404. I got to work.
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405. No, you don't.
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406. I told Doc you weren't
coming in today
Copy !req
407. because I had plans.
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408. What? You can't just go
to my job
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409. and tell them I'm not coming in.
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410. Why not?
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411. 'Cause I can't just go
to your school
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412. and say, "She's not coming in
because I got plans."
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413. What are you
trying to say?
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414. Why is it that whenever I want
to do something,
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415. it has to wait till tomorrow,
but whenever you want
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416. to do something,
it has to happen right now?
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417. What does that have
to do with anything?
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418. Welcome to Women's Logic 101.
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419. I just don't want you
running my life.
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420. You're the
one who said
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421. you wanted me to be
your girlfriend.
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422. Well, maybe I
was better off alone.
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423. Are you saying you're
breaking up with me?
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424. Let me make this
perfectly clear.
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425. Yes.
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426. I want to break up with you.
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427. What?
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428. You think you can
just say good-bye,
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429. walk away and
it's over?
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430. Yeah.
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431. Watch.
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432. Bye.
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433. The best thing
about the girl next door
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434. is she's right next door.
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435. And the worst thing
is that she's right next door.
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436. I will not be ignored, Chris.
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437. I'm lucky I don't
have a pet rabbit.
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438. Since I was playing the game
of love,
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439. I decided to get advice
from a real player.
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440. No, you got to move.
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441. Why?
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442. She lives
right next door, Chris.
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443. Where are you gonna go?
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444. You'll never get
away from her.
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445. We broke up.
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446. You broke up.
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447. That's like
telling the IRS
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448. you don't owe them any money.
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449. It ain't over
till they say it's over.
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450. Ask Wesley Snipes.
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451. I can't move.
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452. Well, you better
get back together.
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453. See, I don't
get this.
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454. How is it that she's
the one acting crazy
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455. and I have to be the one
to work things out?
Copy !req
456. Because she started
acting crazy first.
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457. She's using your
reason against you.
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458. You know that makes
no sense, right?
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459. Welcome to Women's Logic 201.
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460. Before I had a chance
to confront my problem,
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461. my problem confronted me.
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462. Hey, Chris.
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463. Where have you been?
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464. You invited Tasha
over for dinner,
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465. and you got the girl
waiting on you?
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466. Well, if anybody
knows what it's like
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467. to have a girl waiting
on them, you do.
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468. Tasha, can I talk to you
for a minute?
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469. Sure, honey.
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470. And by "minute",
I mean "never again."
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471. Tasha, go home.
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472. It's over.
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473. I put the last few weeks
of my life into you,
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474. and I'm not gonna let you
throw it all away
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475. over a little fight.
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476. I just said it's over.
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477. You wanted me, you got me.
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478. You're my boyfriend
until I say you're not.
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479. Got that?
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480. And that is a love TKO.
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481. What's going on
with you and Tasha?
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482. I tried to break
up with her,
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483. but she wouldn't
let me.
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484. Well, there's
no such thing
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485. as trying to break
up with somebody.
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486. That's like being
a little pregnant.
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487. Either you're broken
up or you're not.
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488. But if you do want to
break up with her,
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489. let her know that.
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490. If you don't, make
sure she knows that.
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491. Don't have her
running around here
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492. thinking you're together
and you're not.
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493. One minute y'all having
a little fight,
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494. and the next thing you know,
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495. you're married with
a wife and kids
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496. and she's trying to
take your house.
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497. It seemed like my problems
were just beginning,
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498. but my father's
were finally ending.
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499. I got the final divorce papers.
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500. Really?
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501. Baby, I'm sorry for putting you
through all of this.
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502. You're the only woman
in the world I want to be with.
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503. Mm-hmm.
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504. And I was wondering...
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505. will you marry me?
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506. You're not married to
anyone else, are you?
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507. No, I'm not.
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508. Then, yes, I'll
marry you.
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509. Yeah, bobbas, uh, yeah.
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510. Now, do you, Julius,
take Rochelle
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511. to be your...
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512. rhinestone rock star monster
of a doll baby bobba?
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513. I do.
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514. And Rochelle, do
you take Julius
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515. to be your rhinestone
rock star monster of a man?
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516. I do.
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517. With all the powers
invested
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518. in me and the blasters
of the universe,
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519. along with the mother ship
connection...
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520. I now pronounce you...
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521. man...
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522. and wifey.
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523. Now...
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524. go funk her up.
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525. He said "funk", kids,
with an "N."
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526. Funk her up.
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527. While Bootsy and my parents
got funky,
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528. Drew decided to play dirty.
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529. Oh, my God, Drew!
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530. What happened?
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531. "Oh, my God, Drew,
what happened!"
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532. Ketchup— I win.
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533. Cheater!
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534. After everything
I'd been through with Tasha
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535. and as crazy as she acted,
she really did have a point.
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536. Breaking up over one fight
wasn't worth it.
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537. And if she didn't think it
was over, then it wasn't over.
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538. Oh, Chris.
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539. Hey.
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540. I was mad earlier.
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541. I noticed.
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542. It's not that I want
to break up with you.
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543. I just think we need
to get clear about some things.
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544. Like what?
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545. First of all,
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546. you cannot cancel my work
so we can go hang out.
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547. Okay.
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548. And I'm sorry
that I overreacted.
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549. I'm new to this
relationship stuff.
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550. Okay.
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551. Good.
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552. What's wrong?
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553. I am breaking up with you.
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554. I thought you said
that we were still together.
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555. Until I said we
were breaking up.
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556. We're breaking up.
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557. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
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558. Me, either.
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