Everybody Hates Chris 4x13

1. By 1987, everybody in the country

2. had heard of rap music.

3. And most kids either wanted to be a DJ...

4. or an MC.

5. Throw your hands in the air!

6. Wave them like you just don't care!

7. But then something happened to change it all...

8. the Fat Boys, featuring the Human Beatbox.

9. Chris!

10. What the hell are you doing?

11. Beatboxing. It's the new thing.

12. Buffy the Human Beatbox from the Fat Boys is the best.

13. Best at what?

14. Spitting all over everything?

15. He did say "spit," right?

16. Is it okay if I leave a little early today?

17. The Fat Boys are coming to town,

18. and I want to get there early before the tickets sell out.

19. Go on.

20. But you're wasting your money.

21. I know a lady that'll spit on you

22. for half the price of what them tickets cost you.

23. Back then, you actually had to leave your house

24. to buy concert tickets.

25. You're getting Fat Boys tickets, too?

26. Nah, I'm just holding this dude's place in line.

27. $1.50 an hour.

28. I'll hold your spot, too, if you want.

29. Nah, that's okay.

30. I'll wait in line.

31. Uh, back of the line is that way.

32. Sold out? I've been waiting in line for three hours.

33. Could've been worse;

34. could've been four.

35. Look, all I have left is Hall and Oates tickets.

36. Do I look white?

37. What's the matter? You look depressed.

38. I waited in line all day yesterday for Fat Boys tickets,

39. and just when I made it to the store, they sold out.

40. No problem.

41. I got tickets.

42. How?

43. Sold out? But I've been waiting in line

44. for Hall and Oates tickets for three hours!

45. Hall and Oates wouldn't wait three hours

46. for Hall and Oates tickets.

47. All we got left is Fat Boys tickets.

48. Ah, what the heck, I'll take two.

49. Wait, this is for the 10:30 show.

50. So?

51. 18 and over only.

52. How we supposed to get in?

53. Easy, just wait three more years.

54. Captioning sponsored by

55. Captioning sponsored by

56. I had two Fat Boys tickets.

57. Now I had to get two skinny boys to pass for 18.

58. Look, I've been thinking.

59. All I have to do is get out of the house,

60. then maybe we can find a way to get into the show.

61. Well, my mother will be drunk and passed out by about 7:00.

62. So getting out of the house won't be a problem.

63. I could be on tour with Van Halen,

64. and she wouldn't even notice.

65. Years later, Greg actually

66. toured with Van Halen for a year as a mic stand.

67. All right, that's good.

68. In terms of us going to see The Fat Boys, yes.

69. But in truth, alcohol abuse is nothing to laugh at.

70. And I'll be scarred forever by my mother's tragic disease,

71. but please, continue.

72. All right, all I have to do is get my mom

73. to say it's okay to spend the night at your house

74. and that's half the battle.

75. Wait, what's the other half?

76. Know anywhere we can get some fake IDs?

77. Fake IDs?

78. Fake IDs.

79. When you were a teenager, fake IDs

80. could open up a whole new magical world.

81. Here you go, Mr. Testaverde.

82. And Mr. Sharpton, your ID.

83. I got the tickets; why do I have to get the IDs?

84. Because if you get busted trying to get fake IDs,

85. you'll get community service.

86. If I get busted, I'm two jail cells down

87. from that guy who shot Reagan.

88. Meanwhile, I wasn't the only one

89. having problems with my date of birth.

90. Remember, I don't want a party for my birthday.

91. Don't worry. You're not having a party.

92. That's what the Democrats said to Hillary.

93. Hey, Ma, can I sleep over at Greg's

94. on Saturday night? No.

95. You can't go.

96. I'm having a surprise party

97. for your father on Saturday night,

98. and I need you to be here.

99. But Dad's birthday's not till Sunday.

100. That's why it's called a surprise party

101. and not a predictable party.

102. I thought Dad didn't even like parties.

103. Boy, you have no idea what your life would be like

104. if I paid attention to what your father liked.

105. And neither does he.

106. So here's what I'm going to do.

107. While my mother made birthday plans,

108. Drew made plans to see birthday suits.

109. Wow.

110. Drew was trying to get something

111. every young boy wanted.

112. X-ray glasses.

113. Cool.

114. I'm waiting for them to come out with X-ray contact lenses.

115. Back at school, I was more depressed

116. than the Fat Boys at a finger sandwich party.

117. My dad's surprise party is Saturday night,

118. and I don't know how I'm gonna do that

119. and see the Fat Boys, too.

120. So, surprise him.

121. Don't be there.

122. Look, I did my part.

123. I can't get you out of the house, too.

124. You got the IDs?

125. Is Janet Jackson in control?

126. Yes, but Michael isn't.

127. Let me guess, I'm Mr. T, and you're George Peppard?

128. Dude, they're free.

129. What do you expect?

130. See what you can do with this.

131. I'm gonna work on getting out the house.

132. Since I couldn't make it to the club

133. and to my father's party, I had to make sure one didn't happen.

134. And I didn't need tickets to see my father.

135. Hey, Dad.

136. What's up?

137. I feel real horrible about telling you this.

138. No, you don't.

139. You know how you didn't want to celebrate your birthday?

140. Mom's planning a surprise party for you.

141. What?

142. I told her I didn't want a party.

143. What, you mean women don't listen?

144. I know.

145. She's gonna take you out to go get some food,

146. then when you get back, everybody's gonna be here.

147. Chris, I know it's hard for you

148. to betray your mother's trust, but I'm glad you did.

149. And if she finds out, you can regain her trust for free,

150. but paying off a party is gonna be expensive.

151. Think she'll find out?

152. I'll make sure she doesn't.

153. Mmm!

154. Smells good.

155. Is that Benny's Tacos?

156. Mm-hmm.

157. Wow.

158. I haven't been there in ages.

159. You know what?

160. Since you don't want to have a birthday party,

161. maybe we could go there on Saturday.

162. You know, it's not that expensive,

163. and Chris can watch the kids.

164. Honey, I know what you're trying to do.

165. I told you I don't want a party.

166. How did you know I was throwing you a party?

167. Did Chris tell you?

168. No.

169. I'm not stupid, honey.

170. And I appreciate you wanting to celebrate with me,

171. but I don't want a party.

172. Well, if you don't want to have a birthday party,

173. what do I do when my birthday comes around

174. and I want to have a party?

175. So this is all so yo can have a party?

176. Exactly.

177. It's my birthday.

178. What are we doing for me?

179. Ironically, making you wish you were never born.

180. Julius, don't even try to turn this around.

181. If you don't want me to have a party,

182. just come out and say it!

183. I didn't say I didn't want you to have a party.

184. It's not what you're saying, but that's what you're saying.

185. You know what?

186. Fine, Julius.

187. Do what you want.

188. Happy birthday!

189. You can go to Greg's on Saturday.

190. What about Dad's party?

191. We're not having it.

192. Why not?

193. 'Cause your father's a jerk.

194. The bad news is my parents could get divorced.

195. But the good news is I get to see the Fat Boys.

196. Since I had handled my part of the plan,

197. now everything was up to Greg.

198. I'm all set on my end.

199. Did you have any luck with the fake IDs?

200. Does Boy George have luck with women's clothing?

201. Hey, these actually look like us. Yeah, I know.

202. They are actually two guys from Guatemala.

203. You know, maybe we should take these

204. for a test drive before the show.

205. Oh, here's your change.

206. Change as well?

207. You go.

208. You know what?

209. I think I know who we can talk to.

210. Fake ID?

211. Why would I know anything about where to get a fake ID?

212. Because you operate on the fringes of the law.

213. Hey, man, just because somebody's name is Risky,

214. and they operate on the fringes of the law,

215. does not mean they break the law.

216. Yes, it does.

217. Yeah, man.

218. Using fake IDs could get y'all

219. in serious trouble.

220. If I wasn't underage,

221. who knows where I'd be now?

222. So do you or don't you?

223. Oh, hey, man, I think I see Run-DMC outside!

224. I don't see anybody.

225. Well, maybe you should go out there

226. and make sure it wasn't them.

227. Make sure who wasn't them?

228. Man, would you just go outside

229. so he can tell you where to get the ID?

230. Man, you slow.

231. Forget it. Forget it.

232. Go to this address,

233. and tell them you want a passport photo.

234. Passport photo?

235. That's code for "fake ID."

236. Y'all slow.

237. While I was trying to break the law,

238. my father was trying to break the silence.

239. So, how was your day?

240. Rochelle, this is childish.

241. Can you please tell your father

242. that I have nothing to say to him.

243. Mama said she has nothing to say to you.

244. Fine. Throw me a party.

245. Oh!

246. So now all of a sudden you want to have a party.

247. Well, it's too late.

248. You just can't blow some balloons up,

249. set a cake on fire

250. and start hollering.

251. You have to plan for a party.

252. I mean, I have to send out invitations,

253. write out a guest list,

254. make present suggestions.

255. Oh, no, no, you are not putting me through all that.

256. Nuh-uh. The next time you want to have a party,

257. you need to say something ahead of time

258. instead of always waiting till the last minute!

259. Mama said,

260. "Oh!

261. "So now all of a sudden you want to have a party.

262. "Well, it's too late.

263. "You can't just blow up some balloons,

264. "set a cake on fire, and start hollering.

265. "You have to plan for a party.

266. "You have to invite the people.

267. "You have to invite the family from out of town.

268. "You have to get the cake. You have to get the ice cream.

269. You have to get toys for the little kids to play with..."

270. Since it's against the law to choke children on film,

271. we're gonna go to the next scene.

272. "No, you have to plan for it!"

273. Meanwhile, Drew got a special delivery

274. from the see-through women's clothing fairy.

275. Cool.

276. Oh, dang!

277. Excuse me.

278. I know this may sound weird,

279. but do you by chance have two sets of the exact same clothes on?

280. Yes.

281. But what does that have to do with anything?

282. Oh, nothing.

283. Just asking.

284. A few blocks away, me and Greg were hoping

285. nobody could see through us.

286. This is it.

287. "Ticket services, check cashing,

288. "bail bondsman,

289. loans, piano lessons."

290. Piano lessons? Piano lessons?

291. "Passport photos."

292. Little dude from across the street,

293. can I help you?

294. Wait, you work here? Yeah. Why?

295. Why didn't you say something when we were at the barbershop?

296. Look here, little dude from across the street's friend

297. from across town, I don't know what you're talking about.

298. Look, Jerome, we just need some passport photos.

299. You're not cops, are you?

300. Why? Is it illegal for cops to have passport photos?

301. No. But if you knew passport photos meant something else

302. and you were trying to trick me, I'd have to ask if you a cop,

303. because legally, you have to say yes,

304. and then I wouldn't give you one.

305. Contrary to popular belief,

306. you needed to be educated if you wanted to drop out

307. and become a criminal. We're not cops.

308. You could be undercover.

309. Do we look like 21 Jump Street?

310. Look, it could be a sting operation.

311. We're not cops. We're not cops.

312. Cool. Let me buzz my man.

313. Money!

314. I understand you boys want to leave the country.

315. Uncle Ryan?

316. I hope he's not a cop.

317. When I set out to look for fake IDs

318. I didn't expect to find my real uncle.

319. You sell fake IDs?

320. What are you talking about?

321. You're the one trying to buy it.

322. Does my father know you do this?

323. No.

324. Does your mom know you're doing this?

325. No. You're not gonna tell her, are you?

326. And ruin my good business?

327. I don't think so.

328. You're not gonna tell?

329. No, I'm no snitch.

330. We just want to go see the Fat Boys.

331. Oh. I love those guys.

332. So, when can we get 'em? And how much is it gonna cost?

333. Well, that depends.

334. When it comes to delivery, you have three separate options.

335. You can get 'em fast and cheap, but not good;

336. you can get 'em good and cheap, but not fast;

337. or you can get 'em fast and good, but not cheap.

338. Well, the concert's tomorrow, so how much is the last option?

339. 25 bucks.

340. Each.

341. Well, it is the Fat Boys.

342. Wait.

343. You really want a fake ID to go the Fat Boys concert?

344. Yeah.

345. You're not gonna try to get liquor or cigarettes

346. or go see X

347. Not until you mentioned it. No.

348. You'll have 'em tomorrow.

349. Drew's X-ray glasses didn't work,

350. so he had his eye on a refund.

351. Uh, "ticket services, check cashing..."

352. Lemonade?

353. Not "lemonade." "Laminated."

354. It means "covered in plastic."

355. I want you to get these laminated,

356. so they look like the real thing.

357. When it's done, take 'em to Chris.

358. Cool. All right?

359. What's up, Drew? Hey, what's up, Jerome?

360. Hey.

361. What are you doing here, man?

362. I'm looking for Vision Ray Specs, Inc.

363. I bought a pair of X-ray glasses,

364. but the things don't even work.

365. I'm getting my money back.

366. Ah, sorry about that.

367. You're Vision Ray Specs, Inc?

368. Yep. Look, I can get you something else.

369. Uh, whoopie cushion, joy buzzers,

370. sea monkeys, black gum.

371. Nah, that's okay. I just want my money.

372. Drew couldn't see through his hand,

373. but he could see through Ryan's BS.

374. Here.

375. I'll give you half. What's this?

376. That's 50 cents. Glasses cost a dollar.

377. I spent five dollars on shipping and handling.

378. That's six. You owe me three.

379. Whoa, whoa, give me my 50 cents back.

380. That's what 50's girlfriend said to Vivica Fox.

381. Now that I had my fake ID,

382. I was ready to have some real fun.

383. Okay, Chris, you know the rules.

384. You go directly to Greg's house,

385. you stay at Greg's house,

386. and tomorrow, you come directly home.

387. Right.

388. And remember,

389. if you do anything you shouldn't do,

390. it'll be like sticking a knife in your mother's back.

391. What she said.

392. Hey, honey.

393. You look nice.

394. What's for dinner tonight?

395. I don't know, baby. Ask your daddy.

396. I'm hanging out with Vanessa tonight,

397. since he doesn't want to have a party.

398. Daddy, Mommy told me to ask you what's for dinner.

399. Big bucket of fried crow.

400. Dude, we are so in there.

401. I hope so. You got yours memorized?

402. Yeah. Paul Stanley, June 6, 1968.

403. What about you? Gene Simmons, April 4, 1968.

404. Whoa! IDs, please.

405. Gene Simmons,

406. April 4, 1968.

407. Isn't that the day they assassinated Dr. King?

408. I didn't have nothing to do with it.

409. Mm-hmm. And, Paul Stanley,

410. your birthday is June 6, 1968—

411. the same day Robert Kennedy was assassinated.

412. And here you two are together.

413. What are the odds of that happening?

414. About the same as you being dumb enough

415. to believe any answer we give you.

416. It's crazy.

417. It is, ain't it?

418. Go ahead. Have a good time.

419. Ah, yeah.

420. Hey, Paul, Gene...

421. don't get shot.

422. Of all the things I did expect to see

423. when I went into an adult nightclub,

424. there was one thing I didn't expect:

425. a bunch of kids.

426. Hey, if it isn't Bosco and Milk.

427. Caruso? You like the Fat Boys?

428. I'm not Caruso, idiot.

429. In here, I'm H. Rap Brown.

430. You think I'd miss the Human Beatbox?

431. She's, like, a hip-hop Bobby McFerrin.

432. Who?

433. Dude, like, half our class is in here.

434. Hey, you guys want some drinks?

435. James?

436. Hey, man, I'm not James. I'm Tom Cruise.

437. What are you guys having?

438. Uh, two iced teas.

439. Need to see some ID.

440. Brooklyn, give it up

441. for Prince Markie Dee,

442. Kool Rock-Ski and...

443. Buffy the Human Beatbox!

444. All right, everybody, up against the wall!

445. Show's over!

446. You're not taking me!

447. What's the problem?

448. The problem is, everybody in here is two.

449. You got a major fake ID problem.

450. I don't know what you're talking about.

451. Yeah, neither does Larry Bird here.

452. Let's get all these fake IDs out! Now!

453. Hey, Vito, you gonna let him do me like this, man?

454. Come on, man!

455. Hey, man! You don't know me like that.

456. Come on. I'm from Brooklyn!

457. Whatever happened to Hall and Oates?

458. Back at home, my plans had gone up in smoke.

459. But my father was about to put me back in the mix.

460. Hey, Ma. Hi, baby!

461. How was your night? It was cool. How was yours?

462. Ask him.

463. Chris, I need your help.

464. Sure. What do you need?

465. I've got something I need to do.

466. Look, I need you to take your mother to lunch.

467. Here's some money. Here you go.

468. Whoa, this is serious.

469. I'll be back about 2:00.

470. I don't know what's more surprising:

471. my mother giving my father the cold shoulder,

472. or my father giving me cold cash.

473. Surprise!

474. Happy birthday to me!

475. Who are all these people?

476. The only people I could find for the party.

477. Oh, baby!

478. Mwah! Ooh!

479. Blow out the candles before you set the house on fire.

480. Yay!

481. Oh, I'll get it.

482. Ma'am, we confiscated

483. an ID in a raid at a nightclub last night

484. that belongs to someone who lives at this address.

485. An ID? Yes.

486. It was being used by kids who were there

487. in a failed attempt to see the Fat Boys.

488. As a community service,

489. I am returning it to its rightful owner.

490. Well, what's the name on the ID?

491. Gene Simmons.

492. Because Ace Frehley would've sounded ridiculous.

493. Ah, yeah, that Gene Simmons, yeah.

494. I do recognize him.

495. Come tomorrow, nobody will be able to recognize him.

496. Thank you.

497. Gene...!