Everybody Hates Chris 3x3

1. EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #047 CLOSED CAPTIONED

2. From the time I was young,

3. the thing I dreamt most about was cars.

4. Even though I couldn't drive,

5. I always imagined what kind of car I would get if I could.

6. Drew and I used to pretend every car

7. that came down the street was ours.

8. My red.

9. Oh, that's my green.

10. Mine.

11. Nah, you can have that one.

12. When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.

13. Hey, Dad, can I drive?

14. And he always said the same thing.

15. Drive?

16. Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16,

17. go to driver's ed., get a driver's license,

18. graduate from high school,

19. get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance.

20. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.

21. He could have just said no.

22. Hey, Dad.

23. It's street cleaning today.

24. I hate having to move this car all the time.

25. Even though he always said no, I had to ask.

26. Can I do it?

27. No, you don't know how to drive, Chris.

28. Yeah, I do. You know how to drive?

29. Yeah. Okay, let's see.

30. Having a steering wheel in my hand

31. was one of the most amazing feelings I had ever had,

32. right behind my first kiss, which hadn't happened yet.

33. Okay, now put the car in "R."

34. I got it.

35. Okay.

36. Wow, you really can drive.

37. I learned from watching you.

38. but they were the most exciting feet I had ever experienced.

39. Wait, wait... h-help.

40. Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

41. Moving my dad's car on street cleaning day was great.

42. Sometimes they even cleaned the street.

43. Only one thing would have made it better.

44. Chris, I'm tired.

45. Can you move the car across the street

46. before you go to school?

47. Yeah.

48. You think you can do it without me?

49. Really?

50. If you can't feel you're ready...

51. No, n-no, n-no, I got it.

52. Good, and make sure you put on your seat belt.

53. I will.

54. And don't touch my mirrors. I won't.

55. Don't move my seat. Okay.

56. Warm up the engine. Right.

57. And don't go burning up gas.

58. I'm just moving the car across the street.

59. That's three cents worth of gas.

60. By the time this checklist was over,

61. I had had a license, a diploma,

62. and had made my third appearance

63. on Showtime At The Apollo.

64. Hurry up or you'll be late for school.

65. My father's trust made me feel like a man... and so did this.

66. Hey, Chris. You driving now?

67. Yeah, so if you ever need a ride someplace,

68. just let me know.

69. Especially if that someplace is across the street.

70. Well, maybe we could take a ride after school.

71. Maybe.

72. Look, I got to go, I don't want to hit traffic.

73. At that moment, I had a decision to make:

74. drive across the street and look like a fool

75. or drive around the corner and feel real cool.

76. If Greg were here, he'd say I was in there.

77. Okay.

78. Here you go, Julius, here's your breakfast.

79. Julius, wake up.

80. What are you still doing here?

81. I got to go to court.

82. I got a speeding ticket.

83. My mother had her own style of driving called

84. The Fast and The Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.

85. Move out the way.

86. Car doesn't move the way it used to.

87. Whoo!

88. I told you about speeding.

89. Now you have to spend a whole day off from work

90. just to pay a ticket.

91. I'm not paying the ticket because I wasn't speeding.

92. Cop gives me a ticket for doing 32

93. in a 25.

94. Who does 32 in a 25?

95. If I'm gonna speed, I'm gonna do 30 miles over the limit,

96. not seven.

97. Drew, Tonya, come on, let's go.

98. How come y'all ain't at school?

99. School is closed for teachers' records' day.

100. Yeah, and Mama's making us go with her

101. so we don't disturb you while you sleep.

102. See you.

103. My mother always thought the worst would happen

104. if my father didn't get enough sleep.

105. While my mother got ready to challenge the law,

106. I was still breaking it.

107. Hey, little dude from across the street!

108. Check you out, man.

109. I didn't know you knew how to drive.

110. I'm just moving my dad's car for street cleaning.

111. Well, you look a little stiff in there, little dude.

112. See, man, you got to cop a lean,

113. pop your collar up a little bit.

114. I'll show you.

115. Another thing I learned about cars

116. is that it's not always what you drive,

117. it's how you drive it.

118. Pop this up some like this.

119. Now go ahead and lean.

120. Man, come— lean, man.

121. Man, get low.

122. Yeah.

123. I can't see nothing.

124. But you look good, though.

125. I got to get to school.

126. Man, come on, let's go.

127. You can't see me, but take my word for it: I look cool.

128. While I was on the road,

129. my mother was getting the runaround. Just be quiet.

130. Boy, don't get on my last nerve today.

131. Uh, excuse me, miss,

132. could you tell me when my case is up?

133. Let's see.

134. You're case number 89

135. and as soon as this one ends,

136. we're moving on to case number... two.

137. Number two?

138. What are you talking about?

139. Excuse me, uh, ma'am.

140. Could you maintain decorum and observe complete silence

141. while this court is in session?

142. Thank you.

143. That way. What's he talking about?

144. Come on.

145. Meanwhile, Jerome had me driving like he was Miss Daisy.

146. Just a little bit further, man.

147. I need to get the car parked so I can go to school.

148. Where do you need to go? Right here, right here, little dude.

149. This is my stop.

150. Thanks, little dude.

151. Ah, man.

152. What's wrong with you?

153. I'm gonna be late for school

154. 'cause I missed my bus and I still haven't parked the car.

155. Look, man, just relax, all right, little dude.

156. It's a spot right over there.

157. I can't park there.

158. I'm 50 blocks from my house.

159. You got the car.

160. Why don't you drive to school?

161. Because it'll be the last ride I ever take.

162. Because I'm not supposed to be driving.

163. I'm supposed to be parking.

164. Plus, I don't even have my license.

165. Well, I'm just saying

166. if you doing something you ain't supposed to be doing,

167. you might as well do something you supposed to do.

168. Sounds crazy, makes sense.

169. I guess.

170. Hey, you think you could stop by and pick me up

171. on your way home from school?

172. No!

173. All right.

174. Let me hold a dollar; I need bus fare.

175. What about my gas money to bring you here?

176. Thanks, little dude.

177. Remember what I showed you.

178. I was supposed to park across the street,

179. but now I was on the highway to Hell.

180. Even though I was scared out of my wits,

181. there was something about driving

182. that made me feel like the coolest kid in the world.

183. And the only thing cooler than driving to school

184. was pulling up in front of it.

185. Whoa, Chris, is that you?

186. I always suspected you were held back a couple of years,

187. but I didn't know you could drive.

188. When'd you get your license?

189. I don't have my license.

190. What are you doing driving

191. and where'd you get a car?

192. It's my dad's car.

193. What are you doing with it?

194. Moving it to the other side of the street.

195. Or the other side of the borough.

196. Cool.

197. This is totally off the hook.

198. Greg was actually the first one

199. to use that phrase and eventually went on

200. to teach Snoop "shizzle" talk.

201. Well, aren't you afraid your dad might find out?

202. He's a pretty hard sleeper.

203. As long as I'm back by 5:00, I think I should be okay.

204. The truth was my father could sleep through anything.

205. There we go.

206. Hey, wake up, man!

207. Wake up, the whole place is on fire!

208. We got to get out of here now!

209. Wake up!

210. Hey, fellas, get out!

211. The place is burning down!

212. Get out!

213. When the other kids see this,

214. we are going to be so in there.

215. Greg, you can't tell anyone about this.

216. If a teacher finds out and calls my dad, I'm dead,

217. so you can't say anything to anyone.

218. Your secret's safe with me.

219. No, it's not.

220. Oh, hey, Chris,

221. I heard you got your father's deuce and a quarter.

222. Cool.

223. Hey, Malcolm Racer X, I heard you got your father's hooptie.

224. Cool.

225. Hey, Chris, I heard you've got a father.

226. Cool.

227. Greg, I thought I told you not to tell anybody about the car.

228. Now the whole school knows.

229. I'm sorry, man.

230. You've got a car and I know you.

231. That's the closest thing I've ever gotten to being cool.

232. You know Jennifer Thompson?

233. Yeah, so?

234. Well, every time I'm around her, I get tongue-tied,

235. and I finally had something worth saying to her.

236. That I had my father's car?

237. And that I'm riding shotgun.

238. If I had had a shotgun, Greg would be riding in the trunk.

239. Case number seven.

240. Ma, I'm hungry.

241. Me, too.

242. Oh, I knew y'all would say that.

243. I got a snack.

244. Here, we'll just open these chips and,

245. and we gonna eat some chip... Ma'am, you have been warned,

246. already, for making too much noise.

247. I'm sorry, Judge.

248. I got hungry kids over here.

249. We're just having a little snack, that's all.

250. Well, why don't you try and have it quietly?

251. I'll chew quiet.

252. Ma, I'm thirsty.

253. Yeah, so am I.

254. Mm, Drew, go look for a vending machine

255. and bring us back a soda. Okay.

256. Guilty.

257. 20 days, $200 fine.

258. For a parking ticket?

259. $350!

260. Ooh. My mother found out

261. that judge was a hard case.

262. So your left taillight was out?

263. Ah...

264. 10 years.

265. 10 years? Move it.

266. Did you hear that? Move it, paisan.

267. Unless you had soft curves.

268. Guilty.

269. Six months house arrest.

270. What?

271. At my house.

272. Oh, okay.

273. Okay.

274. Yeah, yeah.

275. Hey, get that number.

276. She better hope his wife ain't home.

277. Girl, they got you for speeding, too?

278. You don't look like nothing on you goes fast.

279. I told you this was gonna be big.

280. Hey, Chris.

281. Can we sit in your car?

282. Yeah, why not.

283. Because they're underage.

284. Oh, wait... so was I.

285. Ooh, can we turn on the radio?

286. Yeah, Chris, turn on the radio.

287. I had broken every rule my father had given me.

288. But since I had the car,

289. there was no reason not to take advantage of it.

290. Especially since all I had to do was let it sit there.

291. Hey, Chris,

292. can you take us for a ride?

293. While I was finding out

294. what cars do for guys,

295. my mother was finding out what guys do for girls.

296. Your Honor, I clocked her doing 62

297. in a 55.

298. It also says here that you crashed

299. into the side of a building,

300. destroyed four parked cars, drove through a pond...

301. and parked by a fire hydrant?

302. I throw myself onto the mercy of the court.

303. I deserve to be punished.

304. Don't be so hard on yourself.

305. You know, I don't really think you intended

306. to go 62 in a 55.

307. The judge is trying to go 47 in a 22.

308. I tell you what I'm gonna do,

309. I'm gonna let you off with just a warning, okay?

310. And I hope

311. that you've learned your lesson.

312. Go on. Llámame.

313. Disgusting.

314. Yeah, I know I learned my lesson.

315. Next time I'm gonna come in a tighter dress

316. and a low cut top.

317. Who said that?

318. Bailiff,

319. get granny up out of here.

320. Come on, granny, get your butt up out of here. Sorry.

321. No, you got to go. Shh.

322. Shh.

323. Momma, what's taking Drew so long?

324. I don't know.

325. Let me go find him. You stay here.

326. If they call 89, tell 'em to wait.

327. Open the door.

328. While my mother was creeping out of court,

329. back on the street, I was rollin'.

330. It's a shame the white kids have more rhythm than me.

331. What's wrong?

332. Everything.

333. I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

334. I learned all kinds of things about driving a car

335. but not a single thing about fixing 'em.

336. Maybe it's just out of gas.

337. It's not out of gas.

338. Maybe the battery's dead.

339. Great, then we could have a double funeral.

340. I think I know somebody

341. who might be able to help us.

342. The janitor?

343. The janitor was the one person at Corleone

344. that everybody knew.

345. But nobody knew anything about.

346. I heard he did a kid a favor once... for five bucks.

347. What type of favor?

348. Next time, kid, study for your test.

349. Hey.

350. Hey.

351. I know you.

352. You're that black kid.

353. Chris.

354. Yeah.

355. So, can you do me a favor?

356. Well, that depends.

357. Got five bucks?

358. With Drew running loose in a building full of courtrooms,

359. my mother was imagining the worst.

360. I find the Defendant guilty of being a black teenager

361. in a court of law.

362. I didn't do it, Mom.

363. Hey, Mom.

364. Drew, where have you been?

365. I just made ten dollars.

366. Some guy just paid me to pee in a cup.

367. Boy, give me that money!

368. Don't you know that's against the law.

369. Not technically.

370. And you were supposed to be

371. getting soda— where's the soda?

372. I had to drink them so I could pee.

373. You have to spend money to make money.

374. Try now, Chris.

375. All right, you fixed it.

376. No problem.

377. That'll be five bucks.

378. I already gave you five.

379. That was for the favor.

380. This is to keep my mouth shut.

381. Nice doing business with you.

382. And as he pulled away from the curb, Your Honor,

383. he made a three lane change

384. and then proceeded to make a U-turn

385. in a business district.

386. Excuse me.

387. Did you see my little girl?

388. Yeah, she stepped out.

389. Stepped out?

390. What do you mean stepped out?

391. She's just a little girl. Whoa, whoa.

392. You're the one that left her here.

393. Did you just "whoa" me?

394. Look, Drew, just stay here.

395. If they call number 89

396. just tell them to wait, okay?

397. Tonya!

398. I thought I told you to stay put.

399. I had to go.

400. You have a lovely daughter.

401. Thank you.

402. Momma, she's on trial, too.

403. I'll bet she is, baby, come on.

404. Hey!

405. I got a speeding ticket.

406. Well, I got a speeding ticket, too.

407. For going seven miles over the speed limit.

408. Can you believe that?

409. That's not even speeding.

410. I said the same thing, girl.

411. It's all right.

412. I'll pay the fine.

413. I'm just glad they didn't check my trunk.

414. 'Cause if they found my guns and drugs,

415. I would of been in trouble.

416. Okay.

417. Uh, well, you take care.

418. Congratulations. Bye.

419. Nice talking to you. Okay.

420. You too, baby. Tell the streets we said hello.

421. Case number 89.

422. Case number 89!

423. Ooh, 89, that's me. Here sit down.

424. Didn't I tell you to tell me when it's gonna happen.

425. Oh... you.

426. Officer,

427. tell me what happened. Yes, Your Honor.

428. Uh, on the date in question,

429. I clocked the defendant here,

430. doing 32 miles an hour in a 25

431. mile an hour zone. Mmm.

432. And when I approached the vehicle, she unleashed

433. a torrent of obscenities

434. and I, honestly, I was personally offended.

435. What?

436. Ma'am. Oh.

437. Your highness...

438. Your Honor, ma'am.

439. Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.

440. Now, I know the officer may have clocked me doing 32,

441. but I know I wasn't.

442. Yes, so let me get this straight—

443. you want me to take your word

444. versus the word of a sworn officer of the law.

445. Yes.

446. Okay, do you have any other witnesses?

447. Nope.

448. Nope. Guilty.

449. Okay, wait, wait,

450. in-in that, in that case...

451. I-I, I'm throwing myself

452. at, at, at the mercy of the court.

453. I have been

454. such a very bad girl and,

455. and, and I deserve to be punished.

456. Ow.

457. I know this.

458. That's what I'm doing.

459. 50 days or $50.

460. No, come on, Judge!

461. I, okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.

462. I-I-I promise you I wasn't speeding.

463. Ma'am, everyone who came in here today said the same thing.

464. Whether they were going 32

465. in a 25 or 37 in a 30

466. or a 62 in a 55.

467. "I wasn't guilty,"

468. "I didn't see the sign!"

469. "I'm a law abiding citizen!"

470. "I didn't do nothing wrong!"

471. Did you just hear yourself?

472. Wait, wait a minute.

473. Did, did it ever occur to you

474. that everybody that came in here today

475. just so happened

476. to be going seven miles exactly over the speed limit.

477. Not two, not ten

478. not 12,

479. but one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

480. Seven, everybody.

481. Officer,

482. do you have the calibration report for your radar gun

483. on the day in question?

484. Uh...

485. no I don't. Mmm.

486. Case dismissed.

487. Aw. Ha! Yes!

488. In your face!

489. Five! Gimme five!

490. Silence!

491. Hey! Woo!

492. I'm sorry. This is a courtroom!

493. I'm sorry. Not an end zone.

494. I'm sorry, Your highness, Your Honor.

495. And for your little dance,

496. I fine you in contempt of court.

497. That will be $80, please.

498. Damn it!

499. After a day behind the wheel of a car,

500. I had been popular, I had been terrified,

501. and I was ready to get back on the bus.

502. Oh, no.

503. Hey, kid!

504. Hey!

505. A little young to be driving, ain't you?

506. I'm just listening to the radio, officer.

507. There's only one reason the police in Brooklyn

508. would pass up the chance to bust a black kid in a car,

509. two black kids in a car.

510. How'd it go in court?

511. I won.

512. Just like I told you I would, Julius.

513. You did? Mm-hmm.

514. I told you I wasn't speeding.

515. I proved my case.

516. Then she got fined $80 for contempt of court

517. for doing a victory dance.

518. Did anybody ask you that?

519. My dad was barely done lying down

520. when I started lining it up.

521. Hey, Chris,

522. any problem moving the car?

523. No, it moved fine.

524. No trouble finding a spot?

525. No, it was simple.

526. Aah.

527. Well, thanks.

528. You really helped me out.

529. After all that had happened,

530. I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me.

531. Even though I had managed to get the car back home

532. without him knowing,

533. it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.

534. Dad?

535. Yeah, son.

536. I have a confession.

537. I drove your car to school today.

538. You what?

539. I'm sorry.

540. I really am.

541. Son, I'm very disappointed in you.

542. But as long as you're safe...

543. that's all that really matters.

544. Thanks, Dad.

545. But one more thing...

546. Yes, Dad?

547. Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt,

548. I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself

549. and never do anything like that again.

550. Amen.

551. Well...

552. well, next Friday, Chris, I'll let you move it again.

553. Cool. Where'd you park it?

554. Across the street.