Everybody Hates Chris 3x21

1. In my house, the most important holiday

2. of the year was Mother's Day.

3. You'd think it would be Christmas,

4. and it might have been

5. if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.

6. Oh, wow! That smells good.

7. Who wants meat loaf?

8. Have you thought about what you want for Mother's Day, Mom?

9. Well, you kids cleaning up the house, that would be nice.

10. We tried that when you sprained your shoulder.

11. Remember? It didn't go too well.

12. It went well for you, lazy.

13. Hey, Dad, what you getting Mom for Mother's Day?

14. Me

15. It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.

16. What?

17. Um... maybe some flowers.

18. I wanted to get my mother something nice,

19. because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed.

20. She sacrificed at home.

21. Okay, who wants pizza?

22. And she sacrificed in the streets.

23. Thanks for your coat, Mama.

24. That's okay, baby.

25. I... I like the cold.

26. You know what, you guys?

27. You don't have to get me anything.

28. You give me such great gifts every year.

29. No, we don't.

30. We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni.

31. My macaroni oven mitts were not stupid.

32. Yeah, you're right.

33. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaroni hot comb.

34. Shut up.

35. Or your macaroni macaroni bowl.

36. Hey, you shut up, too.

37. Get out of my voice-over booth, woman.

38. Save that for the show Everybody Hates Tonya.

39. Whatever.

40. Okay, fine.

41. You know what I really want?

42. I want that.

43. comes a sensual power.

44. Pour it on, and let its rich aroma

45. bathe and soothe your senses,

46. engulf you with the memory of youth.

47. Explosive.

48. Available exclusively at Goldstein's Department Store.

49. You want some doves?

50. I think she wants angel wings.

51. No, no, no. She wants champagne.

52. An exploding chandelier?

53. No, you guys. I want Pure Voodoo!

54. Oh!

55. That stuff looks expensive.

56. Well, you asked me what I wanted.

57. I knew right then I had to get that perfume for Mother's Day.

58. I was just glad it wasn't a commercial for a Cadillac.

59. Captioning sponsored by

60. Captioning sponsored by

61. Hey, check out what I made for my mom for Mother's Day.

62. Macaroni pajamas.

63. Don't you think you're a little bit too old

64. to be making macaroni presents?

65. When Greg got engaged,

66. he gave his fiancée a piece of rigatoni.

67. So what are you getting your mom for Mother's Day?

68. Oh. Pure Voodoo.

69. Isn't that stuff expensive?

70. It's only, like, 40 bucks.

71. 40 bucks! You can buy a car with that.

72. Actually, in my neighborhood, you could.

73. I'll sell you this car for 40 bucks.

74. 50!

75. Sold.

76. That's a lot of money.

77. Yeah, but my mom's really worth it.

78. I mean, she works, she cooks, she cleans.

79. And what do I ever do for her?

80. Besides, I think it's finally time

81. to show her how appreciative I am.

82. I hope my mom appreciates my gift.

83. Now I just have to figure out what cell block she's on.

84. Did you try Bellevue?

85. While I was planning my expensive surprise,

86. Tonya was finding the cheapest Mother's Day gift ever.

87. Daddy... Mama...

88. "The Columbian Record and Tape Club"?

89. "Resident"?

90. In our house, everybody was allowed

91. to open mail addressed to "Resident."

92. Eight records for one penny?

93. I can get Mama a present, and myself something, too.

94. Aw, this is nice.

95. Meanwhile, Drew was looking

96. to turn old junk into a new present.

97. What's all this, Drew?

98. I'm gonna sell some stuff

99. so I can get some extra money to buy Mom's present.

100. I thought you had money saved up.

101. I did, but that was my "running of the bulls" money.

102. Duh! Drew, this stuff is junk.

103. What is this, anyway?

104. That's my Voltron.

105. Voltron? Well, put it on the six-month rule.

106. What's that?

107. If you haven't used it in six months, get rid of it.

108. If that was the case, he'd have to get rid of all his money.

109. After you get this stuff cleaned up,

110. I'll give you five dollars.

111. Cool!

112. The problem with going to department stores

113. is every time a black person enters,

114. they get followed.

115. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers...

116. She's on the move.

117. or a senior citizen wearing diapers.

118. She's on the roll.

119. Or even one of their own.

120. He's on the move.

121. What do you mean, I'm on the move?

122. I work here.

123. Sorry.

124. Force of habit.

125. What's wrong with you, man?

126. Ah. May I help you?

127. Yes. I'm here to buy the Pure Voodoo for Mother's Day.

128. The eau de toilette or the perfume?

129. Which one is $40?

130. The eau de toilette. I'll take it.

131. Sorry. We're all out. She did that on purpose.

132. It's Mother's Day.

133. You want to buy something cheap, you have to start early.

134. Okay. What about that bottle?

135. Oh, that's not eau de toilette.

136. This is the Pure Voodoo perfume.

137. What's the difference?

138. The perfume contains up to 20% more aromatic compounds

139. than the eau de toilette,

140. and is classified by olfactive family,

141. though it does not exist as a true, singular aromatic material,

142. whereas the eau de toilette contains up to five to ten...

143. You can see the rest of this 20-minute speech

144. over at PerfumeNut.net.

145. But here's the important part:

146. How much is it?

147. $180. $180?

148. I'm assuming you don't have that.

149. No! Excuse me.

150. Mother's Day was two days away,

151. and I was up the creek without a present.

152. But I knew my mother would understand.

153. Or maybe not.

154. My mother had done things for me she didn't want to do,

155. so I figured it was time I return the favor.

156. Of course, my mother didn't do anything

157. that would get her locked up.

158. Hold it right there, son.

159. Situation in Cosmetics.

160. Either he really thought I was his son,

161. or I was in big trouble.

162. Choosing to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made.

163. Even a Turkish prison would be nice

164. compared to what my mother would do

165. if she found out I stole.

166. Chris!

167. Boy, where you at?

168. My mother's coming! Kill me now!

169. Kill me now!

170. Kill me now!

171. Well, I might be able to keep you from going to jail

172. if you tell me what else you've stolen from our store.

173. Nothing. I swear, I've never stolen anything else

174. from this store or anywhere else in my life.

175. Oh, really?

176. Are you telling me this isn't you in this picture?

177. No. That's Lionel Ritchie.

178. Looks like you to me.

179. He wouldn't know Lionel Ritchie from Lionel Jefferson.

180. Sir, please. I'm not a criminal.

181. Not a successful one, anyway.

182. Okay, I admit I was thinking about taking the perfume.

183. I just wanted to get something nice for my mother.

184. Then I realized how stupid it was,

185. and was I about to put it back.

186. I'm sorry.

187. All right, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

188. Instead of sending you to jail,

189. I'm going to put your picture up on our Wall of Shame.

190. What's that?

191. All these people have either

192. shoplifted, passed bad checks,

193. or are named Kill Moves.

194. Now, say, "Cheese."

195. Cheese?

196. We have a two-strike policy here at Goldstein's.

197. If we catch you here again, that is strike two,

198. and you go to jail.

199. Goldstein's was ahead of its time,

200. but one strike short.

201. I looked like a senator caught in a bathroom.

202. What are you doing?

203. Trying to figure out what to buy Mom for Mother's Day.

204. I know what I'm getting her.

205. And it's barely costing me anything.

206. What? A paper bag for your head,

207. so she won't have to see your ugly face?

208. No. And, just for that, I'm not telling you what it is.

209. What have we got next on the table, Donnie?

210. Holy cow, Lonnie! I don't believe my eyes.

211. It's a V-V-V-Voltron!

212. Hey, don't you have one of those?

213. I did, but Dad made me get rid of it.

214. These guys are stupid.

215. A Voltron's not worth anything.

216. They were less than $20.

217. But, due to high demand and limited supply...

218. These babies can be worth

219. up to $150!

220. What's worth $150!

221. He looks like that guy that lives next door.

222. He was fabulous.

223. Back at school, I was out of hot water,

224. but Greg thought it was cool.

225. I can't believe you almost got arrested.

226. You're gonna get so much street cred.

227. I don't need street cred; I need a Mother's Day gift.

228. Well, it's not too late

229. to still make her something out of macaroni.

230. Hey. You're that black kid.

231. Yeah. Where did you come from?

232. Brooklyn. By way of Palermo.

233. Anyway, I overheard your conversation.

234. You need a Mother's Day gift?

235. Yeah. I'm looking for Pure Voodoo.

236. Ooh! There goes the college fund, huh?

237. But I got a guy can help you.

238. Really?

239. Yeah. Five bucks.

240. Wait. He has the perfume for five dollars?

241. No.

242. It's five bucks for the info.

243. Oh. Well, better be good.

244. Yeah, see, the only thing is he lives in a really,

245. really bad neighborhood.

246. I don't even dare go there myself.

247. Where is that?

248. Bed Stuy.

249. Are you telling me I just paid you five dollars

250. so that you could tell me to go see Risky?

251. So I guess I'm not gonna get another five

252. out of you for the directions.

253. Oh, yeah, I got the latest designer imposter perfumes.

254. Yeah. I've got Chanel No. 45.

255. Huh?

256. Calvin Klein's Depression, Revlon's Chucky...

257. Do you have Pure Voodoo?

258. Do I have Pure Voodoo?

259. Look at that. Pah-dow!

260. Wow, does this smell like the original?

261. Same smell, same bottle, same box.

262. An exact replica right down to the letter.

263. And it's only $20.

264. Great. I'll take it.

265. Yo, for five dollars extra,

266. you can get this Ewing cologne for Father's Day.

267. Hmm? It's the official scent of Patrick Ewing.

268. Before or after the game?

269. No thanks.

270. While I was making a fake purchase,

271. Drew and my dad were on the hunt for their pot of gold.

272. After we get the Voltron back,

273. maybe I can find a gift for Mom in here.

274. Good idea.

275. 'Cause everything in here is dirt cheap.

276. Can I help you?

277. What are these?

278. Shoulder pads.

279. Aw. This is fantastic!

280. Mom will love it.

281. She will?

282. She's your mother, not Lawrence Taylor.

283. Yeah. How much? One dollar.

284. Sold.

285. Wow, that's cheap.

286. Maybe I can find something to put the flowers in.

287. Oh, I have this... vase.

288. Is that anything like a vase?

289. That's nice.

290. How much? $50.

291. $50? Yeah.

292. You see, people throw stuff away—

293. they have no idea that it's valuable.

294. They're stupid.

295. Speaking of which—

296. we came here to buy that Voltron action figure

297. we dropped off the other day.

298. Yeah, it's worth a lot of...

299. Memories.

300. It's worth a lot

301. of memories to my boy.

302. Yeah, 150 of them.

303. Even though it's totally worthless, right, son?

304. Right, Dad.

305. Oh, it's not here.

306. Everything that gets dropped off,

307. goes to the defumigation unit first.

308. You cannot believe how nasty

309. some of the stuff is people give us.

310. Voltron hadn't taken a shower in years.

311. Are you going to be getting it back?

312. Well, after things get cleaned,

313. they get sorted, logged

314. and distributed.

315. It'll either be here or at one of our other stores.

316. You could check back in a couple of days.

317. One dollar.

318. Thank you.

319. Do you take coupons?

320. My father was getting the blues,

321. but Tonya was singing a whole different tune.

322. Billy Ocean Unplugged for me.

323. Billy Ocean Filipino Queen for me...

324. Billy Ocean Live at the Pacific Ocean for moi...

325. Patti LaBelle for Mama.

326. And more Billy Ocean for me.

327. On Mother's Day, all I could do was hope my mother

328. didn't know the difference between Pure Voodoo

329. and Pure Voo-don't.

330. Happy Mother's Day!

331. Thank you— ooh!

332. This vase is beautiful.

333. You deserve it.

334. Jules, you paid

335. $50 for this vase?

336. I'm sorry. I meant to take that off.

337. No, he didn't.

338. Ma, here's my present. Patti LaBelle.

339. Oh, Patti LaBelle!

340. Tonya, you shouldn't have spent this much money on me.

341. She didn't spend a dime, literally.

342. Happy Mother's Day, Ma.

343. Oh, Drew, what did you get Mommy?

344. Shoulder pads!

345. This is just what I wanted.

346. Oh, baby.

347. This is such a wonderful gift.

348. Told you.

349. Here you go, Ma.

350. Oh, thank you, Chris.

351. But this is...! Fake.

352. Pure Voodoo!

353. I know.

354. Oh, my God!

355. You're kidding me!

356. But where

357. I saved and saved and saved and bought it at Goldstein's.

358. Actually I lied and lied and lied

359. and bought it from Risky.

360. But this is the perfume.

361. Yeah, I figured you deserved the best.

362. Oh, baby, this is wonderful!

363. You know what?

364. I'm going to listen to my album,

365. I'm going to look

366. at my flowers in their very expensive vase,

367. I'm going to find an outfit to wear with my shoulder pads

368. and I'm going to sniff on my Pure Voodoo!

369. Mm, mm, mm.

370. Seeing my mom that happy made it all worth it.

371. Oh, my goodness.

372. At least until the next morning.

373. After what Pure Voodoo had done,

374. I didn't know whether to call an itch doctor

375. or a witch doctor.

376. Voodoo got me!

377. After my mother went to the doctor,

378. I was afraid I might be next.

379. So what did the doctor say?

380. Did you get this from Goldstein's?

381. Uh... why?

382. 'Cause they ripped you off, baby. No, they didn't.

383. They did?

384. Yes, this perfume is fake.

385. They got a lot of nerve selling fake perfume on Mother's Day.

386. So what are you going to do?

387. We're going to go get your money back.

388. While I headed back to Goldstein's,

389. my father and Drew chased a Voltron

390. all over town like it owed them money.

391. Still not here.

392. Hey, Dad, look.

393. Jackpot.

394. Excuse me, excuse me, sir,

395. sir, sir.

396. How much did you pay for that? Two dollars.

397. I'll tell you what, I'll give you $20 for it.

398. $20? $20.

399. Deal. Son, give the nice man the toy.

400. But, Dad, it's a Voltron.

401. For $20 you can have any toy in the store you want.

402. I don't want anything else.

403. I want this.

404. Do you know how much $20 is worth?

405. I do. $20.

406. Exactly.

407. They both spoke the same language: cheap.

408. So give him the toy.

409. Here you go, mister.

410. All right.

411. There you go.

412. Five...

413. That's $20.

414. Actually, Dad, uh...

415. this is not the toy we were looking for.

416. Drew, what in the world are you talking about?

417. Dad.

418. I want him to have it.

419. Really?

420. Thanks.

421. Yeah, thanks.

422. That was a really nice thing you did, son.

423. Thanks, Dad.

424. This seems like a nice moment now,

425. but when it sunk in how much money he gave up,

426. my dad threw up in the car.

427. I didn't have time to formulate a plan,

428. so I did what I could to not get recognized.

429. Why are you dressed like that?

430. You look like you're about to rob the place,

431. I think I'm going to check out the new spring clothing line.

432. Oh, no you're not. You're staying with me.

433. We're going to straighten this mess out.

434. May I help you?

435. Yes, I would like to return this bottle of Pure Voodoo.

436. What seems to be the problem?

437. Well, this

438. is the problem.

439. Your expensive perfume gave me a rash.

440. Really?

441. No, I just like putting on rash cream.

442. Yes, really.

443. Oh, for heaven's sakes.

444. This is not our perfume.

445. What?

446. No, my son bought this perfume from here.

447. I don't know kind of scam you guys are trying to run...

448. And I do not know what kind of scam

449. you are trying to run.

450. But "Pure" is spelled wrong.

451. Wait. Let me...

452. It's right there.

453. P-E-U-R.

454. That's wrong.

455. Although that is a very good knockoff,

456. it is a knockoff nonetheless.

457. The detail has been put into matching

458. the general aromatic tonality

459. of Pure Voodoo.

460. But as is the case

461. with most counterfeits,

462. the packaging lacks detail.

463. I should have known by the ink.

464. I was about to tell the truth

465. when the truth came and told on me.

466. Aha!

467. Hey, Lionel. Strike two.

468. Now what?

469. I'm so embarrassed.

470. When you buy something for a penny,

471. unless it's a gum ball, there's a catch.

472. Billy Ocean Caribbean Queen Dance Remixes...

473. Billy Ocean Sings Sinatra...

474. Billy Ocean's Greatest Hits...

475. That one's a single.

476. "Amount due"?

477. Tonya!

478. Tonya, you know you're not to order anything in this house

479. without checking with me or your mother first.

480. But it said they were only for a penny.

481. Baby, you're old enough to know, no one's going

482. to sell you seven Billy Ocean records for a penny.

483. They would today.

484. Look, you're going to have to be more careful

485. about the things you agree to.

486. Does that mean I have to return the records?

487. Well, I'd hate for you to have to give back

488. your Mother's Day gift.

489. So I can keep them?

490. Thanks, Daddy.

491. Yeah, but you're going to have to do a lot of chores

492. for a long time to pay back that money.

493. Yes, Daddy.

494. She did one dish, and he called it even.

495. Fortunately, the store let me go,

496. but unfortunately, they let me go with my mother.

497. I don't even want to know what's in that box, do I?

498. I want to show you something.

499. Do you remember this macaroni ashtray?

500. Yeah, I made that for you three years ago on Mother's Day.

501. And I almost got cancer trying to use all 42 slots.

502. And what about these?

503. Yeah, the macaroni

504. shoe insoles.

505. I made those for you in fifth grade.

506. They look good. Did you ever use them?

507. No. But that year your father was laid off

508. we almost had to eat them.

509. And what about this?

510. A box of macaroni.

511. Yeah, kind of ran out of ideas that year.

512. See, that's why I wanted to make this year extra special.

513. These things are worthless.

514. No, you're wrong, Chris.

515. These things are priceless.

516. Only in a worldwide macaroni shortage.

517. And I wouldn't trade any of these gifts

518. for all of the designer perfume

519. in the world.

520. I would even care if you ever got me another gift.

521. Liar.

522. Thanks, Mom.

523. That Mother's Day, my mom realized

524. I would do anything for her.

525. And let's not forget about this macaroni belt you got me.

526. Yeah, I made that for you in third grade.

527. Well, it looks like you're going to have to make another one.

528. I'm lucky she couldn't find her macaroni bat.