1. Everybody Hates Chris #60
"Everybody Hates Being Cool"
Closed Captioned
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2. At 15, I was sick
of being a nerd.
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3. When you're a nerd, people
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4. you want to pay attention
to you ignore you,
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5. and the people you wish would
ignore you, pay attention.
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6. And I was done with it.
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7. From now on,
I was going to be cool.
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8. Cool guys got everything—
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9. girls, cars, girls,
money, girls.
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10. But what exactly is cool?
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11. I tried the surfer look.
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12. I tried the superhero look.
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13. I tried the cowboy look,
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14. but I ended up with
the Village People look.
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15. No matter what I did,
I ended up
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16. looking as cool
as a fat guy
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17. in a sweat suit with
a herringbone chain.
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18. Captioning sponsored by
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19. Since I knew nothing
about being cool,
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20. I decided to consult with
the coolest guy I knew
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21. to find out his secrets.
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22. Hey, little dude
from across the street.
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23. Let me hold a dollar.
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24. Hey, man, can I talk
to you for a minute?
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25. Yeah.
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26. Later on.
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27. What do you think
makes a guy cool?
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28. Cool?
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29. Man, nothing makes you cool.
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30. You either cool or you're not.
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31. But what if you're
not born cool,
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32. and you want to be?
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33. Well, the fastest way
is to associate yourself
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34. with cool people.
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35. That way you're cool
by association.
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36. But why would they want
to hang with me?
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37. Look, man, it starts
with attitude, all right?
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38. Followed by a little
head gear.
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39. Accompanied by the walk.
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40. The walk?
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41. Yes, man.
All right— the walk.
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42. You got to put a lean
in your walk, man.
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43. You know, like
you're slightly bothered
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44. by an old gunshot
wound to the hip.
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45. Like this.
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46. Easy for him—
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47. he had a gunshot wound
to the hip.
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48. You see?
Now you try.
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49. Nah, man, that ain't it.
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50. Look, uh...
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51. The collar, that's right.
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52. Get this collar
popped up, man.
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53. All right, now try again.
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54. I can't watch this.
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55. Nah, nah, that's...
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56. that's not it at all.
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57. All right, look,
we definitely
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58. gonna have to pull out
the big guns on this.
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59. Now, the coolest boy
in the world right now
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60. is LL Cool J.
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61. And you think you can
make me look like him?
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62. Let's find out.
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63. Not bad. Not bad at all.
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64. Hey, Chris.
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65. It's working already?
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66. Let me hold a dollar.
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67. Here's my self-respect, too.
Keep the change.
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68. Well, got to go, little dude
from across the street.
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69. Stay cool.
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70. While I was on my way
to being cool,
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71. spring cleaning was
making my mother hot.
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72. Ugh!
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73. Look at all this junk.
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74. No he didn't.
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75. Julius!
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76. What's going on?
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77. This is what's going on.
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78. You told me you were going
to get rid of that years ago.
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79. Instead you just
hid it from me?
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80. It wasn't hid.
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81. Yes, it was.
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82. It was underneath
your camouflage jacket.
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83. It was camouflaged!
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84. Baby, it's a good coat.
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85. Do you remember who
gave you this coat?
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86. I think it was Janet.
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87. You're damn right!
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88. So when you told me that you
were gonna get rid of it,
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89. that means you were lying,
so now you're a liar?
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90. Yes.
You're acting like you
pulled Janet out of the closet.
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91. What difference
does it make?
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92. It's a coat, not
a woman— damn!
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93. So you're telling me
you're going to keep the coat,
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94. even though I'm telling you
I don't want you to keep it?
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95. Yeah. I see no sane
reason to get rid of
it, so I'm keeping it.
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96. Okay, fine.
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97. Keep the coat, Julius.
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98. I hope it keeps you warm.
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99. Takes a brave man to choose
a coat over a woman.
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100. A brave stupid man.
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101. Hey, man, did you
get shot in the leg?
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102. No, why?
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103. 'Cause you're walking
like it hurts.
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104. I'm just trying
to be cool.
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105. It's not working.
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106. It's not working?
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107. Look at you— you look like
a powder blue Dean Martin.
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108. Technically, I look like
a powder blue Joey Bishop.
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109. Whatever.
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110. We need to change
our images.
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111. I don't know about you,
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112. but I'm tired of being at
the bottom of the totem pole.
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113. A powder blue totem pole.
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114. That's true.
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115. I want to be
like them.
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116. Tell me why they
don't go to school
and they don't work,
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117. but they have great cars
and great girls?
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118. Because they're criminals.
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119. Those are the kids
from the arcade.
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120. We can't be like them.
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121. I mean, those kids
have either been suspended,
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122. expelled or dropped
out of school.
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123. When you're old,
that makes you a loser,
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124. but when you're young,
it gives the illusion of cool.
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125. Shh, be quiet.
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126. Hey, kid, you got a cigarette?
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127. No, but I got some gum.
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128. Forget it.
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129. It's spearmint.
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130. And sugar-free.
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131. I don't think he's listening.
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132. Well, we learned
one thing—
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133. cool guys have
cigarettes.
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134. Now before you go getting
all upset,
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135. in 1986,
almost everybody smoked.
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136. People didn't give a damn
about health.
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137. Here's a partial list
of things in this picture
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138. that people didn't know
where dangerous.
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139. Eventually, all these people
died horribly,
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140. but while they lived,
they were cool.
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141. My brother Drew was so cool,
he could do anything.
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142. But in the spring of '86,
that changed.
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143. Here, take this thing
away from me.
What's this?
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144. It's evil.
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145. The Rufus Cube—
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146. the most diabolical puzzle
ever invented.
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147. It caused nervous breakdowns,
divorces and suicides
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148. because it was almost
impossible to solve.
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149. This looks easy.
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150. Chris, I got to go into the
library for a few minutes.
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151. Watch the register.
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152. The library?
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153. Yeah, I got to go
to the bathroom.
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154. I do some of my best
handicapping in the john.
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155. Keep an eye
on the register.
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156. A big part of being cool
is taking advantage
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157. of opportunities
when they present themselves.
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158. Now that I had cigarettes,
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159. I had the start
of what I needed.
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160. A real cool guy
wouldn't have paid,
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161. but Nerdy McGee
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162. would have felt too guilty.
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163. Even though I had the keys
to being cool,
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164. Greg was locked
into being a square.
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165. All right, just put one
of these behind your ear.
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166. Dude, that's contraband.
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167. The Surgeon General
told us not to...
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168. Greg, do you want
to look cool or not?
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169. Yeah, but I don't want
to be a fugitive.
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170. Freeze!
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171. Go! Go! Go! Go!
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172. Get down!
All the way down!
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173. Slowly remove the cigarette
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174. away from your ear.
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175. Stay there, dirtbag!
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176. You don't have
to smoke it.
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177. You just have to put it
behind your ear
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178. and walk around like
those guys at the arcade.
The arcade?
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179. I'd like to get back
in there again.
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180. You went in the arcade?
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181. Yeah, once.
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182. Forget that.
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183. That was before
you looked cool.
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184. Okay, man, I'll try it.
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185. Yeah.
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186. Oh, remember, you get caught
with a cigarette in school
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187. is an automatic suspension.
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188. Right, it's just to walk around
and look cool
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189. for the other kids.
Right.
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190. So how do I look?
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191. Nervous. Come on, man,
pop your collar.
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192. Put your shades on.
Roll up your pant leg.
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193. Okay.
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194. Better.
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195. No it's not.
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196. All right, let's make a pact.
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197. If either one of us gets caught
by the teacher
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198. we don't rat out the other.
Deal?
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199. Deal.
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200. Chris gave it to me.
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201. Chris?
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202. I'm so disappointed
in you.
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203. I know that nicotine,
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204. pork rinds
and malt liquor
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205. are the black man's vices...
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206. You forgot white women.
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207. but why infect Gregory?
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208. Because I wanted
to be cool.
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209. Now I just feel like a fool.
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210. I don't know.
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211. Well, I'm sorry, Chris,
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212. but you're suspended.
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213. When my parents found out, I
was finally going to be cool.
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214. Cool as a corpse.
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215. My father had worked
hard all day.
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216. But my mother had been
to space.
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217. You went to work
like that?
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218. Don't you know you
could get fired?
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219. What did your boss say?
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220. So you say you
want a raise?
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221. I got a raise.
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222. You shouldn't
be wearing that.
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223. Get rid of it.
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224. Oh, I'll be happy
to get rid of it...
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225. as long as you get rid
of that jacket.
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226. I'm not getting rid
of my jacket.
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227. Fine.
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228. Fine.
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229. Fine!
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230. Not fine.
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231. When you get suspended from
school, they call your parents.
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232. So if the phone rang,
this could be my last meal.
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233. So what's going on, Chris?
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234. What you mean?
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235. There's something
different about you.
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236. Did you get
a haircut?
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237. No.
Well, you look kind of cool.
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238. What he thought was cool
was actually terror.
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239. Mama, why are you
dressed like that?
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240. Ask your father.
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241. Daddy, why is Mama
dressed like that?
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242. Maybe your mother doesn't know
the difference
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243. between a perfectly
good coat
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244. and a spacesuit.
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245. Better be glad she doesn't
have a ray gun.
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246. So, Chris, how was
your day at school?
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247. It was all right.
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248. Anything interesting happen?
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249. No.
You sure?
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250. 'Cause usually you talk
more about school.
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251. Can't get you
to stop talking about it.
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252. Nothing happened
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253. at school, okay?
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254. It was just like
any other day.
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255. Any other bad day.
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256. Why are you talking
to your brother like that?
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257. He's just asking
you a question.
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258. Yeah, Chris, calm down.
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259. Drew, will you put that
thing down and eat your dinner?
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260. Dad, I've almost got it.
I can't stop.
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261. Either you eat your dinner
or do the cube.
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262. What's it's going to be?
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263. I'll take the cube.
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264. I thought somehow I had dodged
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265. the suspension bullet,
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266. but actually it was just loaded
in a different gun.
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267. Hey, Chris, wait up.
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268. What's up?
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269. Nothing. Just thought I should
tell you about my day.
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270. What about it?
Oh, I just sat around
the house by myself,
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271. answering phones,
taking messages.
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272. Good for you.
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273. Yeah, I talked
to Grandma,
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274. Uncle Michael, the principal
from your school,
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275. Daddy...
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276. Never underestimate
the power of the Devil.
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277. Wait a minute, did you say
the principal from my school?
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278. Yeah, you know, they always call
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279. when they suspend somebody from
school for having cigarettes.
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280. Did they think you were Ma?
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281. I don't know.
I just answered the phone
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282. and they started talking.
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283. You out three days... I guess
that's a total of $15.
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284. What is?
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285. Five dollars a day.
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286. You know it's going to cost
to keep my mouth shut.
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287. The price of being
cool was steep,
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288. but it beat the price
of being beat.
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289. Getting suspended from school
was hard,
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290. but figuring out what I was
going to do
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291. with my day was harder.
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292. Hey, man, what are
you doing here?
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293. I had nowhere else to go.
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294. You're not still mad
at me, are you?
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295. Yeah, actually, I am.
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296. You ratted me out.
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297. I'm torn about it, man.
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298. Please, don't make me feel
any worse than I already am.
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299. Why did you cave so fast?
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300. My therapist says
I'm bad under pressure.
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301. I'm just not cool.
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302. No kidding.
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303. Forget about it.
It's all right.
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304. So what are you going
to do all day?
I don't know...
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305. wander around till
it's time to go home.
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306. Maybe I'll see
you at lunch.
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307. Got to go.
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308. Well, all right.
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309. I was at the arcade, but I was
afraid if I went in
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310. what happened to Greg
would happen to me.
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311. Hey, it's Juicy Fruit.
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312. Hey, want a smoke?
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313. Look at Juicy Fruit.
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314. Thanks, man.
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315. What you up to?
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316. Nothing. Just hanging.
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317. What's the matter,
Juicy Fruit,
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318. you get lost
on the way to school?
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319. No, actually,
I got kicked out.
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320. So did I.
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321. So did I.
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322. Actually,
we all did.
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323. Except for Vinnie.
He never went.
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324. Hey, come on in,
hang out for awhile.
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325. Cool.
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326. I might not smoke,
but right now I'm on fire.
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327. You could do this
yourself, Julius.
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328. Yeah, but every time I do,
I nick my head.
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329. You know what's
going on?
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330. You got a lot of bumps
back here, man.
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331. Lot of lumps in the back
of your head, man.
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332. My grandmother used to read
these things, man.
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333. The configuration is telling me
you got a lot of tension.
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334. Yeah, well, that's true.
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335. Oh, got one coming
at 2:00.
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336. In barbershops
across America
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337. somebody's always on
the lookout for women.
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338. No matter how they look.
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339. Oh, man.
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340. Look at that outfit.
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341. Man, she looks a fool.
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342. I wished my mama
looked like that.
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343. I'd never
leave the house.
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344. Here she come across
that street.
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345. Come on, come on, get
a little closer, baby.
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346. Uh-uh-uh! That is a
Cadillac walk right there.
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347. Honky Cadillac.
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348. Wait a minute...
Man, that's...
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349. Who? Hey, hey,
who is it?
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350. No, don't worry
about it, man.
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351. Where'd she go?
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352. Hey, everybody.
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353. Hey.
Hey.
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354. Hey, baby, I was
just wondering
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355. what you wanted
for dinner tonight?
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356. Rochelle...
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357. I guess I'm
interrupting something.
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358. You know what?
I'll just make
you roast beef.
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359. Bye, boys.
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360. Man, you got problems.
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361. You got that right.
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362. The next day, I had no question
about where I was going.
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363. Hey, Juicy Fruit,
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364. you want some beer?
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365. Nah, I only drink beer
with my dinner.
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366. Maybe we should go get
something to eat later.
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367. Maybe. So what we doing
for the rest of the day?
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368. Just about time to go
pick up Vito.
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369. You're gonna
love Vito.
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370. Who's Vito?
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371. He's a friend of ours.
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372. He gets out today.
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373. Out of what?
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374. Come on, let's go.
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375. You're cute,
Juicy Fruit.
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376. You're not too bad-looking
yourself.
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377. Trixie had her eye on me,
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378. but somebody else
had their eye on us.
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379. This way, Vito.
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380. All right, Vito—
see you again.
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381. Later that day, I met Vito.
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382. He was the guy these guys
looked up to.
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383. He was also a convict.
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384. Who's this?
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385. He's Juicy Fruit.
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386. Juicy Fruit?
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387. What kind of name
is Juicy Fruit?
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388. My real name is Chris.
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389. Don't worry about it.
He's cool.
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390. Yeah?
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391. You cool, Juicy Fruit?
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392. Yeah, I'm cool.
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393. Not with that nickname.
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394. We'll see about that
the day after tomorrow.
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395. What happens the day
after tomorrow?
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396. We're going to get the guys
who ratted on me.
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397. We'd do it tomorrow, but I need
one day to get the guns.
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398. And you're going to be
the lookout.
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399. So you cool with
that, Juicy Fruit?
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400. Mama!
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401. Before I went ahead with
being a lookout,
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402. I got a second opinion
from Doc.
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403. And they want you to be
the lookout?
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404. Yeah, I mean, I don't want
to do it,
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405. but these kids like me and I've
come so far on my coolness.
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406. And I'm just
the lookout.
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407. I can't get in any real trouble.
Wrong.
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408. You don't know nothing
about crime, do you?
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409. You act as
a lookout,
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410. while something
felonious occurs,
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411. that makes you
an accessory.
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412. Yeah, but I'll still
be cool, right?
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413. Wrong again.
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414. There are a lot of subheadings
to being an accessory.
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415. You can be an accessory
before the fact.
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416. You can be an accessory
after the fact.
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417. Or you can be an accessory
during the fact.
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418. In any event,
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419. if you get caught,
you going to jail.
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420. Doc spent three to five
as an accessory.
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421. Do you know how embarrassed
I was when you walked in
there in that outfit?
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422. I don't see why.
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423. That was a perfectly good pair
of hot-pink fishnet stockings.
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424. I don't see any sane reason
not to wear them.
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425. Okay, you win.
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426. I'll get rid of the coat.
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427. You sure?
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428. Now I don't want
to twist your arm.
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429. That's a good coat.
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430. Baby, you look like you're
about to ease on down the road.
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431. Yeah, I'm sure.
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432. When all else fails, quit.
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433. Where's Drew?
Dinner's almost ready.
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434. He's upstairs working
on that cube.
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435. He's been messing
with it all day.
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436. He is obsessed
with that thing.
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437. What'd you do at
school today, Chris?
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438. Oh, you know,
same old, same old.
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439. My day was great.
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440. We're learning
time tables.
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441. Today we did fives.
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442. Five times one is five,
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443. and five times
two is ten,
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444. and five times
three is 15.
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445. And five times four is a brick
upside your head.
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446. Sure, I could have
not shown up,
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447. but then every time the
cool guys saw me at school,
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448. they'd say, "Hey, there goes
the guy that's not cool."
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449. All right,
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450. you stand here.
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451. If the cops come,
you blow this whistle.
Copy !req
452. Got it?
Copy !req
453. Yeah, but I don't really
think we should be here.
Copy !req
454. I was out where
the buses don't run.
Copy !req
455. I had lost touch
with the mothership.
Copy !req
456. I was someplace
where I didn't belong.
Copy !req
457. Chris, what are
you doing here?
Copy !req
458. Sweatin'.
Copy !req
459. I'm hanging with the
guys from the arcade.
Copy !req
460. The cool kids?
Copy !req
461. I don't know if
they're cool anymore.
Copy !req
462. What's going on?
Copy !req
463. I'm a lookout.
Copy !req
464. And if the cops come,
Copy !req
465. I'm supposed to blow
this whistle.
Copy !req
466. Dude, that makes you
an accessory
Copy !req
467. before, during
and after the fact.
Copy !req
468. I know.
I don't even want to be here.
Copy !req
469. But I'm kind of stuck.
Copy !req
470. You got to think
about this, Chris.
Copy !req
471. My uncle was a lookout
one time,
Copy !req
472. and he ended up getting
shot in the throat.
Copy !req
473. In the throat?
Copy !req
474. Yeah, he didn't die,
Copy !req
475. but he ended up
wearing a turtleneck
Copy !req
476. for the rest of his life.
Copy !req
477. I knew if I didn't blow
that whistle
Copy !req
478. I would never be
one of the cool kids.
Copy !req
479. In fact, the cool kids
might kill me.
Copy !req
480. But if being cool
meant going to prison,
Copy !req
481. that price was just too high.
Copy !req
482. So what are you
going to do?
Copy !req
483. I did what any nerd would do.
Copy !req
484. That day, Drew lost
Copy !req
485. his cool, too.
Copy !req
486. What's wrong with you?
Copy !req
487. Take this thing
away from me.
Copy !req
488. It's evil.
Copy !req
489. I know.
I hate these things.
Copy !req
490. Yeah,
I never want to see it again.
Copy !req
491. Me neither.
Copy !req
492. So what kind of games
do you like to play?
Copy !req
493. I love Monopoly.
Copy !req
494. Really? Me, too.
Copy !req
495. Maybe we can get together
and play sometime.
Copy !req
496. Great.
Can I have your number?
Copy !req
497. I already wrote it down.
Copy !req
498. Even when Drew failed,
he succeeded.
Copy !req
499. Guys who do the Rufus Cube
Copy !req
500. end up with other guys
who do the Rufus Cube.
Copy !req
501. Drew ended up with a girl.
Copy !req
502. Who knew to solve
the Rufus Cube,
Copy !req
503. you either had to have
the mind of a genius
Copy !req
504. or the liver of Lindsey Lohan.
Copy !req
505. Finally my suspension was up,
Copy !req
506. and for once Tanya
didn't rat me out.
Copy !req
507. Have a good day
at school, Chris.
Copy !req
508. Thanks, Tanya.
Copy !req
509. No problem.
Copy !req
510. If you're wondering
why my cool friends
Copy !req
511. didn't come after me
and kill me—
Copy !req
512. it's because of what
happened to them.
Copy !req
513. Johnny Boy spent the rest
of his life in prison.
Copy !req
514. Trixie had
a tragic pole accident.
Copy !req
515. I'm gonna move
your leg.
Copy !req
516. Slow here...
Copy !req
517. Vito lived a happy,
successful life
Copy !req
518. for the next four hours.
Copy !req
519. Then he was gunned down
by some other cool guys.
Copy !req
520. It seems cool, like beauty,
Copy !req
521. turned out to be
in the eye of the beholder.
Copy !req
522. This task force will not sleep
or be deterred
Copy !req
523. until the gang's leader
is apprehended.
Copy !req
524. For the purpose of this case,
Copy !req
525. we're calling him Mr. Cool,
aka... Juicy Fruit.
Copy !req