1. EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #050
"Everybody Hates Bad Boys"
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2. After months
of being around Tasha,
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3. we had become
really good friends.
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4. "Wake Me Up
Before You Go
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5. What does that even mean?
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6. The problem was: I didn't want
to be just a friend.
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7. I wanted to get
out of the friend zone
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8. and into the lover zone,
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9. and the only way was
to swing for the fences.
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10. Can I ask you a question?
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11. Yeah.
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12. Will you go with me?
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13. Go where?
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14. Strike one.
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15. No, I mean, like,
go together.
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16. We are together.
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17. Strike two!
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18. No, I mean, like,
you and me go out.
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19. What?
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20. Strike three and you're out!
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21. Boy, you so crazy.
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22. Yeah, I'm so crazy.
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23. Are you about to go home?
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24. Yeah, to cry.
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25. Yeah, I guess.
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26. Since the direct approach
didn't work,
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27. I wondered what would.
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28. I thought about being romantic.
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29. Chris, what are you doing?
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30. These are for you.
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31. Boy, you're so crazy.
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32. I thought
about being chivalrous.
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33. Allow me.
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34. Boy, you so crazy.
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35. Boy, is that
your good jacket?
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36. No.
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37. I even thought
about being brave.
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38. Hey... why don't y'all
leave her alone?
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39. Oh, God!
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40. Boy, you so crazy!
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41. No matter what I did,
she always said the same thing.
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42. I'm glad we're friends.
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43. That makes one of us.
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44. I think you're, like, one
of the funniest people I know.
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45. Thanks.
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46. Friends don't let friends
die lonely.
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47. Captioning sponsored by
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48. While I tried
to kick the Tasha blues,
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49. my father came bearing news.
Hey.
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50. Hey.
Hey.
Hey, everybody.
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51. Hi, baby.
Hey.
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52. I've got good news.
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53. You finally kicked the gout?
No.
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54. Chris isn't
your real son?
No.
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55. Lionel Richie is back
with The Commodores?
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56. No.
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57. Did you trade Tonya
to the devil for cable?
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58. No.
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59. I am Employee of the Month.
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60. Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
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61. That's nice, baby.
That's great.
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62. Aren't you going
to ask me what I got?
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63. A raise?
No.
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64. Well, what did you get?
Your regular pay
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65. and a kick in the ass.
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66. A coupon for a free dinner
for six at Domaine et Mer.
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67. Domain...
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68. Mayor?
The man is where?
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69. Is that Russian?
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70. No, that's Spanish.
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71. No, baby, it's French.
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72. Ah, dinner for six,
that sounds nice.
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73. But there's only five of us.
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74. Yeah.
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75. Maybe we can
bring somebody.
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76. Wait a minute now.
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77. This sounds like a nice place.
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78. We can't just bring anybody.
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79. We thought
about bringing Vanessa.
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80. I dated a French guy once.
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81. I can't stand French food.
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82. I mean,
hors d'oeuvres.
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83. Who wants a piece of liver
on a toothpick?
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84. You got any chimichangas?
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85. We thought about Jerome.
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86. Uh...
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87. excuse me,
garçon.
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88. Can we get
some more silverware?
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89. I just put some out.
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90. I don't know
what happened to it.
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91. We even thought about Mr. Omar.
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92. Oh, my God!
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93. He's choking!
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94. Help him!
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95. Hold on!
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96. There's nothing we can do.
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97. But he's still choking.
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98. Not anymore.
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99. Tragic.
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100. Uh-uh.
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101. You know what?
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102. We need to bring
somebody classy.
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103. Let me think about it.
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104. I was still hoping to make
some progress with Tasha,
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105. but Greg was convinced
all hope was lost.
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106. Dude, once a friend,
always a friend.
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107. It's the
Westermarck effect.
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108. West what?
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109. Edward Westermarck.
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110. He was a scientist.
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111. He concluded that
when two people live together
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112. in close proximity
during the early years of life,
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113. they will never become
boyfriend and girlfriend.
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114. That means I still have
a chance with Shakira.
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115. There's got to be some
way for her to see me
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116. as more than just a friend.
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117. What kind of boys
does she like?
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118. I don't know.
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119. Well, maybe you should ask
some other girls.
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120. You'll get some ideas.
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121. When you ask girls
what they like,
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122. I found out you learn two
everything and nothing.
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123. So what type of guys
do you like?
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124. I like dumb guys.
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125. I like tall guys.
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126. I like girls.
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127. Not interesting now,
but it will be later.
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128. Free spirits.
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129. Nice guys.
Bad boys.
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130. Rich.
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131. Thanks.
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132. I thought that was bad.
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133. Then I found out
I wasn't the only guy
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134. that didn't know anything
about women.
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135. Girls like it
when you give them compliments.
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136. Hey, baby,
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137. I'm no Fred Flintstone,
but I can make your Bedrock.
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138. Shut up, idiot.
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139. I wasn't even talking to her.
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140. Hey, baby, what you doing?
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141. Julius, I'm gonna need
a few extra dollars this week.
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142. For what?
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143. Well, we can't go
to a nice restaurant
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144. looking like
"Who let you in?"
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145. I'm gonna need
a new dress.
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146. The boys need haircuts.
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147. And I need a new pair
of shoes.
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148. So does Tonya.
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149. I saw
these fake eyelashes...
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150. There's this really nice shawl
that goes with the dress.
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151. Pantyhose.
Only my mother could make
a free dinner expensive.
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152. After getting every answer
under the sun,
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153. I figured the only way
to find out
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154. what Tasha liked
was to ask Tasha.
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155. Tag.
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156. You need to borrow
some detergent?
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157. No, it's okay.
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158. My grandma's ticky.
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159. If I get the wrong soap,
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160. she says it's going
to make her butt itch.
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161. Do you have any quarters?
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162. Yeah.
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163. You know, I didn't expect
to see you here today.
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164. I always do laundry
on Wednesdays.
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165. I told you that.
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166. Oh, yeah, I must
have forgot.
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167. Don't you just hate
doing laundry?
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168. Yeah.
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169. But, you know,
I guess it'd be kind of cool
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170. if you had a boyfriend
to do it for you.
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171. No.
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172. What kind of man does
a woman's laundry?
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173. Strike one!
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174. Yeah, no, that
wouldn't be cool.
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175. I-I wouldn't do that.
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176. I'd be like, "Woman, you
better do my laundry."
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177. And I guess you want her
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178. barefoot and pregnant,
too, huh?
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179. Strike two!
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180. Nah.
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181. I was just kidding.
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182. All right,
don't mess this one up.
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183. So if you could go out with any
type of guy, who would you pick?
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184. I know this is going
to sound funny, but...
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185. I'd go with Slaver Slav.
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186. Who?
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187. Slaver Slav is
the preeminent bad boy of rap,
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188. the top recording act
at Setback Records.
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189. He is responsible
for the hit album
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190. I'm Smacking
and Stabbing Somebody.
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191. At the tender age of 16,
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192. Slaver Slav was released
from prison
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193. after serving 17 years
for aggravated battery.
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194. This is Slaver Slav's first mug
shot, but it wasn't his last.
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195. He released his first single
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196. "Put Me in Jail Again and
I'll Smack the Stank Off You"
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197. about a month later.
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198. The rest is history.
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199. Slaver Slav?
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200. Why?
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201. He's a bad boy.
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202. I mean, you never know
what he's going to do next.
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203. Yeah, stab you or shoot you.
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204. All the girls like him.
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205. Now if I could just get locked
up, I could finally get lucky.
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206. Wait,
that didn't come out right.
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207. Hey, man, I've been
looking for you.
What's up?
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208. I've got every tape and
article on Slaver Slav.
My wigga!
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209. All you have to do is
study him, learn him, be him.
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210. Thanks.
No problem.
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211. Watching Slaver Slav,
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212. I learned the most important
thing about being a bad boy.
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213. When it comes to girls,
the meaner the better,
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214. and whatever you do,
don't be nice.
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215. That girl on the left
eventually had a baby
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216. with Ghostface Killah.
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217. Chris, I hear your father
got Employee of the Month
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218. down at the paper.
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219. Yeah.
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220. They still giving out
their free dinners?
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221. Uh-huh.
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222. Subtlety was not
Doc's strong suit.
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223. Uh, that's usually
for six people, right?
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224. Uh-huh, I'm thinking
about asking Tasha to go.
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225. Oh, Tasha.
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226. 'Cause she looks better
in a dress.
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227. Slaver Slav.
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228. The bad boy
of rap.
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229. You know him?
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230. Yeah, he broke up
with my best buddy's niece.
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231. That boy is bad.
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232. He treated her like nothing,
and she still loved him.
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233. See, that's what
I don't get.
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234. I don't understand why girls
like you to treat them bad.
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235. Chris, women are crazy.
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236. They think just
because they get a bad boy,
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237. they'll be so special
that they'll be the only ones
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238. to make him treat
a girl nice.
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239. It's just like trying
to climb Mount Everest.
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240. Every now and then,
somebody does it,
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241. but they usually end up
in a snow cave,
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242. chewing on their own leg.
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243. Analogies were not
Doc's strong suit either.
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244. Are we still
talking about girls?
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245. Chris, all I'm trying to say
is Slaver Slav figured it out.
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246. If you want a girl
to go crazy over you,
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247. be like Mount Everest.
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248. Be difficult.
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249. Try to get to her
to eat her own leg off.
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250. And whatever you do,
don't be nice.
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251. And again I say there's
a reason why Doc lives alone.
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252. I was a bad boy years before
Martin Lawrence and Will Smith.
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253. Hey, Chris.
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254. Do I know you?
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255. You don't remember me?
Do I look like I remember you?
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256. I'm Yolanda.
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257. Yolanda?
No. Sonia.
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258. Why you acting
all funny?
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259. Look, I'm just trying to read.
Why don't you go do something?
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260. I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute. Dag!
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261. Did you come here
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262. to buy something
or just get on my nerves?
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263. How come every time I come in
here, you always playing me off?
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264. What's your name again?
It's Carla.
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265. Does your head just do that,
or is that a nervous condition?
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266. You ain't got to talk
about nobody.
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267. What's up with that hat?
You don't like it?
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268. If it's covering up a bald spot,
it's fine.
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269. It's much better than your hair.
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270. What's wrong
with my hair?
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271. What's not wrong with your hair?
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272. Call me.
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273. Call me.
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274. Call me.
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275. I didn't know
if this would work on Tasha,
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276. or if she had too much
self-esteem.
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277. Hey, Chris.
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278. What?
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279. I said hi.
What's wrong with you?
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280. Why does something got
to be wrong with me?
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281. Maybe you just didn't say hi
loud enough.
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282. Forget it.
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283. Damn!
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284. Why did I listen to an old fool
that lives alone?
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285. Did I do something to you?
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286. No, but I wish you would.
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287. Girl, ain't nobody
thinking about you.
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288. Okay.
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289. Except me.
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290. Are you going to the bus stop?
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291. Yeah. Why?
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292. Do you want me
to walk with you?
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293. I don't care.
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294. You're trippin'.
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295. And you're falling for it.
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296. I heard your father made
Employee of the Month.
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297. Who told you that?
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298. Tonya.
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299. Oh.
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300. The girl talk too much.
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301. That's true.
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302. You didn't want
me to know?
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303. Nah, it's just that
she be running her mouth.
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304. I got this free dinner
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305. at this place where
Slaver Slav eats— place called
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306. Domaine et Mer.
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307. He might be ignorant,
but he loves good food.
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308. Slaver Slav? Wow.
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309. Yeah. My mom wants
to invite one more person.
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310. I'm, like,
"Yo, Mom, bus' it.
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311. Why we got
to take one more person?"
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312. There's more food for us.
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313. I wish I could go.
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314. He says the food
is incredible.
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315. Yeah, well,
that's what we gonna do.
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316. If you want to come,
then come on.
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317. Are you asking me to go?
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318. I ain't asking you twice.
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319. Thanks.
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320. It's a home run!
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321. And that ball is out of here.
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322. Hey, Ma.
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323. Hey, sweetie.
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324. Found somebody
to go to dinner with us.
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325. Oh, that's okay, baby.
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326. I decided to
take Michael.
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327. Uncle Michael's
coming?
Yeah, man.
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328. I heard
French food
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329. real good!
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330. That's French.
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331. I've been studying,
'cause I'm ready to go.
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332. Ooh, la, la. I can't wait.
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333. And I can't wait for you
to choke on that spaghetti.
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334. Trying to take a free meal
away from my uncle Michael
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335. was like trying to take a bone
away from a pit bull.
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336. Let me get this straight.
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337. You want me to give up
a free dinner for a girl?
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338. Michael, please.
I already invited her.
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339. I've been trying to get with her
for I don't know how long.
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340. If I blow this, probably
won't get another chance.
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341. I don't know.
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342. What do I get out of it?
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343. What do you want?
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344. The one thing my uncle loved
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345. more than a free meal
was a bunch of free meals.
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346. All it took was
a shrimp basket...
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347. What's up?
What's up?
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348. Mmm! Later.
Later.
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349. and a slopper.
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350. Hmm. What's up?
What's up?
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351. Mmm. Later.
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352. Later.
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353. What's all this?
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354. Well, I just thought
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355. that since we're going
to a nice restaurant,
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356. we need to brush up
on our manners.
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357. I don't want y'all in there
embarrassing me.
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358. For a free meal, I don't care
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359. if y'all showed up
butt-naked with socks on.
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360. If we were butt-naked,
we wouldn't have socks on,
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361. would we?
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362. We're not even there yet,
and I'm already
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363. embarrassed.
What's going on?
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364. Mom is trying to teach us
manners before we go out.
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365. Manners? Who's going to teach us
how to use all these forks?
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366. I'm getting to that.
Where's Michael?
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367. He's the one needs
to learn some manners.
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368. Oh, yeah, Uncle Michael
stopped by earlier.
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369. He can't make it to dinner.
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370. Oh, well, I don't know
who else to invite.
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371. How about Tasha?
Tasha?
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372. Do I have to buy everybody
shrimp and sloppers?
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373. Is that okay with you, baby?
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374. Sounds like
a good idea.
Oh, good.
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375. she eats like a white girl.
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376. My father was really excited,
but he was about to find out
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377. that his free dinner
had a high price.
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378. Good evening, sir.
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379. May I help you?
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380. Yes. We have a
reservation for six.
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381. Um, it was made
by the newspaper.
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382. I'm the Employee
of the Month.
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383. That look means,
"Oh, great, poor people."
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384. Employee of the Month,
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385. party of six.
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386. I don't have anything available
right now,
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387. but if you have a seat,
I'll be right with you.
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388. Never trust a black man
who speaks French.
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389. Hi. Banks party
for six, 8:00 p.m.?
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390. Bonsoir, Mr. Banks.
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391. Right this way.
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392. Ah, good.
Come on, gang.
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393. Oui, oui.
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394. Oui, oui really means
white, white.
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395. Bon appétit!
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396. Thank you.
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397. She's about to smack
the duck liver out of him.
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398. May I help you?
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399. I thought you said you didn't
have anything available.
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400. We don't.
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401. But you had something available
for them.
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402. They are... how do I put this?
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403. They are paying.
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404. They're white.
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405. Oh, hold on.
We're paying.
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406. No, you're not.
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407. You're not white!
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408. We provide the newspaper
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409. with one complimentary table
a month.
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410. The provide us
with a reduced ad rate.
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411. So you're not paying.
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412. Now, if you check your coupon...
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413. You do have your coupon,
don't you?
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414. Does he know
who he's talking to?
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415. It says right here
that promotional seating
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416. is subject to the manager's
discretion.
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417. I am the manager;
it's my discretion.
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418. So are you telling us
that we can't sit down?
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419. You-You can sit down.
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420. Just can't sit
at the same table.
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421. What?
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422. This is so nice.
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423. I wonder what
Slaver Slav would order.
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424. Bet it be cheap.
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425. And fried.
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426. Nothing's cooler than
lighting a match for no reason.
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427. Do you think the kids
will be okay, baby?
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428. They'll be fine.
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429. Meanwhile, back at
the Diff'rent Strokes table...
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430. This is so cool.
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431. Thanks for letting us
sit with you guys.
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432. No problem at all.
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433. You're our guests,
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434. so feel free
to order anything you want.
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435. For real?
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436. For real.
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437. Meanwhile, I had started acting
like a bad boy for Tasha,
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438. but ended up being a jerk
to everybody.
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439. Can I take your order?
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440. Bus' it.
We get some French fries?
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441. We don't have French fries.
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442. Y'all call yourself
a French restaurant.
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443. All right, what y'all got?
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444. Uh, have you had a chance
to look at the menu?
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445. Nah.
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446. Y'all got some fish?
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447. We have several types.
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448. All right, well,
fry some of that up for me,
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449. get us some drinks,
some salad with French dressing
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450. some of them escargots,
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451. some French onion soup,
some French toast,
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452. and for dessert,
some French vanilla ice cream.
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453. Anything else?
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454. Y'all got French mustard?
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455. I'll check.
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456. Check on then.
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457. You want one?
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458. Excuse me?
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459. That's the French version
of black
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460. So, what are you
having, baby?
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461. I'm about to have a fit.
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462. Hey! Hey! Hey!
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463. May I help you?
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464. Do you see us sitting here?
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465. I'm not understanding
the question.
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466. Look, man, we just want to have
our dinner and get out of here.
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467. Could you please take our order?
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468. Yes. What would you like?
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469. Oh, yes. Okay, um, I was
looking at this item
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470. right here.
Excuse me.
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471. See that.
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472. Is there something wrong?
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473. Yes. They gave you
the wrong menus.
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474. These
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475. are the Employee
of the Month menus.
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476. What?
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477. There's only
three things on here.
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478. Yes, and we're out
of the chicken.
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479. What?
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480. Take your time.
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481. But I wanted the chicken.
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482. Wow.
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483. I've never had
coq au vin before.
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484. You two have such
great manners.
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485. Your mother must be very proud.
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486. Well, she said
if we didn't act right,
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487. she'd slap the caviar out of us.
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488. Oh.
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489. Béarnaise, anyone?
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490. I don't think you're supposed
to have your feet on the table.
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491. Ain't nobody ask you.
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492. Young man, I'm going
to have to ask you
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493. to take your feet off the table.
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494. What if I don't feel like it?
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495. Then I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
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496. What if I don't feel
like doing that either?
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497. You're with the Employee
of the Month, aren't you?
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498. What is going on over there?
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499. Is that Chris?
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500. What?
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501. Chris!
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502. What?
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503. Hey, baby.
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504. Ma?
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505. How's everything going
in here?
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506. Oh, Doctor,
is he going to be okay?
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507. Well, I think we'll be able
to get it out,
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508. but you won't be able
to wear that shoe again.
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509. Hang in there, big guy.
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510. Any available IC nurse, 609.
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511. Any available...
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512. How you feeling, sweetie?
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513. Not too good.
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514. Well, why were you
acting like that?
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515. Just trying to
impress Tasha.
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516. By acting like an idiot?
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517. No. She said she liked bad boys,
like Slaver Slav.
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518. Trying to act like him.
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519. Without the money.
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520. Baby, you can only be
who you are.
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521. If she doesn't want you,
then you don't want her.
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522. That day I learned the most
important lesson in life:
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523. be yourself,
or get a pump in your ass.
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524. Mommy's gonna get you
some ice chips, okay?
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525. Better get a shoehorn, too.
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526. Dr. Anthony to the...
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527. Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
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528. Hey, Chris.
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529. Tasha?
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530. Yeah. Are you okay?
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531. Yeah, I'll be fine.
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532. I just wanted to apologize
for acting like such an idiot.
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533. Forgive me?
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534. Yeah, it's okay.
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535. That's what friends are for.
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536. Thanks, Dionne Warwick.
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537. Is this your x
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538. Yeah.
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539. Boy, you so crazy.
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540. Crazy like a boy
with a shoe up his butt.
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