1. The holiday break was my
favorite time of the year.
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2. Two weeks of complete
freedom from school.
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3. No assignments and no homework.
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4. This year, my holiday gift
to you is a homework assignment.
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5. I'm glad I didn't
get her anything.
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6. Don't fret. This will be fun.
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7. Your assignment is to help
someone in need
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8. and give back to your community.
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9. I'm on vacation. Call Oprah.
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10. Oh, I'm gonna do
what I do every Christmas
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11. at the old folks' home.
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12. What's that?
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13. Pose for pictures
dressed as baby Jesus.
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14. I posed for pictures
as big baby Jesus. R.I.P., ODB.
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15. So what are you
gonna do?
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16. I don't know—
something quick
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17. so I can enjoy my vacation.
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18. Chris, what are
you gonna do?
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19. I don't know.
Maybe work at a soup kitchen.
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20. Oh, that's so nice.
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21. Oh, but the only thing is
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22. I don't think there's one
in my neighborhood.
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23. Oh, yes, there is.
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24. And could you give this
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25. back to Robert,
the manager?
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26. He dropped it in
sixth period study hall.
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27. Sure he did.
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28. Thanks, man.
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29. Come get some soup?
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30. Oh, no. Actually,
I'm here to volunteer.
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31. I got plenty of volunteers.
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32. This time of year,
everybody wants to give back.
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33. But I'm doing this
for a school assignment.
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34. You got any suggestions?
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35. I don't know, man.
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36. White people take all
the volunteer jobs
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37. at the soup kitchen.
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38. If they really wanted
to help the hungry,
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39. they'd volunteer
at the meat kitchen.
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40. Hey, Kill Moves.
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41. You waiting for soup?
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42. This a soup line?
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43. I was waiting to sit
on Santa's lap.
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44. Well, what do you want
Santa to give you?
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45. 300 issues of Jet magazine,
a solid gold football helmet
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46. and an Ionic Breeze
air purifier.
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47. That last thing hadn't even
been invented yet.
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48. Anything else?
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49. A Christmas present
for my mother.
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50. Really?
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51. I can help you with that.
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52. This was
the perfect opportunity
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53. to get rid of my school
assignment,
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54. and it was the daily double;
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55. I got to help a homeless
person and a crazy person
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56. at the same time.
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57. Captioning sponsored by
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58. Christmas was my mother's
favorite time of year.
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59. She loved the food.
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60. And she loved the decorations.
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61. My father, on the other hand,
hated Christmas.
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62. He hated the food.
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63. I need to go
grocery shopping.
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64. And he hated the decorations.
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65. We need decorations.
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66. What's wrong, Julius?
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67. Man, those papers are
heavy this time of year.
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68. Kills my back.
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69. What's going on
for the holidays?
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70. Not much.
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71. I didn't get my
Christmas bonus.
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72. It's gonna be tight.
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73. It's tight,
all right, man.
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74. I ain't got
this year, man.
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75. I'm not buying
no gifts,
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76. I'm not buying
no cards.
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77. I'm not even
calling nobody, man.
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78. Everybody getting
the same gift
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79. from me
this year— hope.
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80. Hope I buy
them something.
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81. Thanks, Manny
Have a good one, man.
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82. Good luck, man.
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83. My father would have given us
the best Christmas he could
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84. until he found out
he had another option.
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85. Brothers and sisters,
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86. we need to stop
this Christmas racket.
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87. What's all this?
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88. What's this?
Come over here, brother.
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89. We encourage you
to celebrate Kwanzaa this year.
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90. And stop being a slave
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91. to consumerism.
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92. Free yourself of your
financial oppressors
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93. by giving African love.
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94. What's Kwanzaa?
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95. Kwanzaa is celebrated
the seven days after Christmas
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96. and emphasizes principles of
family, community and culture.
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97. This peaceful African holiday
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98. was the great idea
of Dr. Malauna Karenga
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99. Later, one of his bad ideas
led him to prison for four years
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100. for felonious assault
and false imprisonment.
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101. Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed
limited success,
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102. felonious assault
swept the nation
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103. and continues to thrive
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104. throughout the African-American
community today.
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105. Well, are there presents?
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106. Yeah, but they should
come from the Earth.
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107. Like diamonds?
No.
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108. Well, they're
from the Earth
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109. and they're from Africa.
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110. Look, that may be true,
but I'm talking about
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111. crops and fruits and vegetables.
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112. What comes from the Earth
in Bed-Stuy
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113. are cigarette butts
and crack vials.
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114. But we want toys,
right, Chris?
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115. Doesn't make much
difference to me.
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116. I haven't gotten a present
in four years.
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117. Maybe this year
I can get some fruit.
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118. Judging from my luck
during past holidays,
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119. I'll be getting some pits.
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120. Julius, can I ask you
a question?
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121. Shoot.
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122. Are you doing Kwanzaa
'cause it's cheap?
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123. Yes!
No.
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124. Are you sure?
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125. No.
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126. Positive.
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127. I mean, we don't want our kids
growing up thinking
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128. holidays are all about
buying, buying, buying.
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129. There's more to life
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130. than just running
to the toy store.
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131. Okay.
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132. Mm... mwa!
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133. Happy Kwanzaa.
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134. While my family was
preparing for Kwanzaa,
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135. I was preparing to go shopping
with Kill Moves.
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136. I didn't know much about him
except that on Sunday mornings
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137. he directed traffic
in his underwear.
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138. Hey, Kill Moves.
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139. Merry...
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140. I thought you was
the mailman.
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141. I was gonna give him
this Christmas tip.
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142. Come on in.
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143. When they get ready
to play on Sunday...
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144. You got cable?
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145. Can't miss Inside The NFL.
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146. I love Nick Buoniconti.
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147. So we looking for a gift
for your mother?
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148. No, it's actually
for your mother.
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149. That's okay.
I didn't hear you anyway.
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150. So what kinds of things
does your mother like?
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151. I don't know,
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152. but if it was your mother,
what would you get her?
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153. Diamonds and a white man.
Good choice.
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154. Okay, I don't think
we can buy that.
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155. But maybe chocolates?
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156. Sounds good.
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157. Good. So you got any money?
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158. Uh... just this.
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159. It's a bunch
of money in here!
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160. Where'd you get
all this?
In here.
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161. Okay. Well, let's go get
something for you mother.
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162. What crazy see, crazy do.
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163. Hey, Monica.
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164. Hey, Tonya. Cool hat.
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165. Merry Christmas.
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166. Oh, thanks, but you
didn't have to do this.
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167. Uh-huh.
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168. It's Christmas.
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169. Oh. Well, I have your gift.
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170. but I just...
I have to wrap it.
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171. That's cool.
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172. Hey, do you want
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173. to go Christmas caroling
with me and my cousins?
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174. Christmas caroling?
Black people
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175. No, my family's already
doing stuff,
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176. but we're doing it at home.
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177. Yeah. Bye.
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178. While Tonya wouldn't speak
about Kwanzaa,
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179. Drew was ready to start
speaking Swahili.
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180. The first principle
of Kwanzaa is umoja; unity.
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181. That means us black people
gotta stick together.
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182. Well, that's it for Kwanzaa.
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183. Come on, baby,
you're gonna miss it.
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184. Here. Here's your corn.
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185. What am I supposed
to do with this?
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186. You husk it, and then
we make hats out of it.
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187. You know, to keep the blue-eyed
demons out of our heads.
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188. Whatever.
Look, can I have some money
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189. to buy a Christmas present
for my friend Monica?
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190. Well, I'm afraid
that's not in accordance
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191. with the principles
of Kwanzaa.
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192. Or my father's cheapness.
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193. Well, she got me a gift,
so shouldn't I give one back?
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194. Absolutely. Here.
Give her this corn.
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195. You still got some money
left in here.
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196. You want it?
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197. No, thanks.
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198. Your mom's gonna love
those chocolates and the watch.
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199. I don't know.
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200. Are you sure this
is a good watch?
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201. Timex has a slogan.
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202. I never heard of a slogan
for Rolex.
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203. How about "It takes a lickin',
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204. and then you buy a new one
because you're rich"?
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205. Trust me, it's good.
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206. Anyway, thanks for your help.
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207. No problem. Merry Christmas.
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208. Happy Kwanzaa.
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209. And merry methadone.
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210. Say, listen,
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211. could you go with me tomorrow
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212. when I drop the gifts off
to her house?
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213. Sure. Where does she live?
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214. I don't know.
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215. I guess giving back
to the community
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216. wasn't goingto be
so quick and easy.
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217. I'll get it!
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218. The hard thing about Kwanzaa
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219. was that everybody else
was celebrating Christmas.
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220. Even if you stayed
in the house,
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221. you couldn't escape it.
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222. Merry Christmas Eve.
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223. Hi, Greg. Uh, uh, come on in.
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224. Chris, Greg is here!
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225. I brought you
a Christmas gift.
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226. Thank you.
You didn't have to.
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227. Trivia fact:
those are his real ears.
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228. You didn't tell me
you'd be working
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229. as one of Santa's
elves this year.
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230. I'm not.
Oh.
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231. So where's your Christmas tree?
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232. We're celebrating Kwanzaa
this year.
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233. Happy Kwanzaa.
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234. Harambee!
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235. God bless you.
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236. Oh, beets!
These are my favorite!
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237. Lots of vitamin A.
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238. This was on my list.
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239. So what are you doing today?
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240. Well, I got to be back
at the North Pole by 11:00.
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241. But other than that, nothing.
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242. Good, 'cause I need your help.
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243. So we're gonna go through
some of your stuff
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244. and see if we can find
some clues to your
mother's whereabouts.
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245. We're going to point
to stuff and you're gonna
tell us what it is.
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246. Roger.
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247. You mean, yes?
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248. No, I mean Roger.
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249. You're pointing at Roger.
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250. That's the bear's name.
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251. And he finds pointing very rude.
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252. And he finds his owner
very crazy.
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253. I love Kwanzaa.
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254. Doesn't interfere
with Christmas
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255. and it's a good way
to bring the family together.
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256. You know, Christmas
is too materialistic.
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257. Yeah, well, my mom
made this for you.
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258. Ooh. Well, tell your mama
I said thank you.
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259. You know, I did
a little jail time
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260. with the guy
who invented Kwanzaa.
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261. Really?
Yeah!
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262. I won a hat just like this
from him in a card game.
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263. He was a good guy.
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264. If he hadn't committed
that felonious assault,
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265. Kwanzaa would have
caught on, been big.
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266. No, it wouldn't.
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267. Look, I got to go
in the back.
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268. Holler if you need something.
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269. She needed something.
She didn't holler.
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270. Well, I'll see you later, Doc.
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271. That's my CIA card from
the Bay of Pigs invasion.
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272. An address book.
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273. A piggy bank from the
1964 World's Fair.
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274. Wait, what
you just say?
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275. A piggy bank from the 19...
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276. No, no, you said this
is an address book.
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277. Mom.
Kathleen Devereaux.
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278. 551 East 63 Street.
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279. Dude...
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280. that's on the Upper
East Side of Manhattan.
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281. Do you know what kind
of people live there?
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282. White people and Spike Lee.
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283. Why am I doing this?
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284. Well, if you're gonna
go see your mother,
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285. you gotta get cleaned up.
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286. All right. You're the elf.
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287. Cleaning up Kill Moves
was tougher
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288. than cleaning up
New Orleans after Katrina.
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289. Here! What
size you wear?
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290. 650 long.
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291. All right.
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292. Uh... Oh, hey.
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293. Huh What
do you think?
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294. You have something
in a chartreuse?
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295. Stop moving around so much.
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296. Take it easy.
I'm tender-headed.
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297. Ow!
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298. After 15 bottles of shampoo
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299. and a Silkwood shower,
our job was complete.
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300. You're done.
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301. Ooh-ee.
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302. I look like a young
Cleavon Little.
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303. More like an old Clifton Davis.
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304. How much?
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305. Nothing. Just consider
it a Christmas gift.
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306. Hey, Slick, if you wasn't
a psychotic, homeless bum
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307. I'd go out with you.
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308. Get in line, sister.
Get in line.
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309. Since there was no "Kwanzaa
Eve" celebration for my family,
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310. Christmas Day turned
into just another Wednesday.
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311. Aren't there any
Kwanzaa shows on?
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312. Yeah. The Bob Hope
Kwanzaa Special.
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313. Everything is about Christmas.
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314. Our ancestors played
games and told stories.
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315. Because
our ancestors
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316. didn't have TV.
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317. See, that's Kwanzaa's
second principle,
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318. Kujichagulia—
self-determination.
Kuji
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319. We define ourselves.
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320. We don't need The Man
telling us what to watch.
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321. Do we have any
wrapping paper?
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322. We have Kwanzaa paper.
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323. Here you go. baby.
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324. Mr. Omar is outside.
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325. Oh. I'll get it.
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326. Merry Christmas, everybody!
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327. Let the yuletide ring!
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328. What is all this?
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329. Oh, the Widows'
Choir of Bed-Stuy.
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330. Hey, y'all.
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331. Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
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332. What's wrong with y'all?
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333. You look like the Grinch
stole your Christmas.
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334. We're not celebrating
Christmas this year.
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335. We're celebrating Kwanzaa.
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336. Yeah, we're tired
of being consumed
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337. by this capitalistic nation's
mindless consumerism.
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338. Tragic.
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339. Well, you won't
be needing this, then.
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340. Come on, ladies!
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341. Let's go and celebrate
some Christmas cheer.
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342. This has got to be wrong.
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343. Baby, welcome home.
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344. Hey, Mom, Merry Christmas.
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345. I guess this is it.
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346. Baby, it's so
good to see you.
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347. I've been
very worried.
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348. It's good to see
you, too, Mom.
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349. How have you been?
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350. Homeless.
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351. Other than that.
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352. Good. You know,
watching my diet.
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353. I get a lot of exercise, and
I don't talk to space people
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354. as much as I used to.
Except for Gazoo.
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355. Well, of course.
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356. And who are you?
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357. Oh, I'm Chris.
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358. Welcome to my
home, Chris.
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359. Wow. Looks like
a department store.
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360. Well, this is my
favorite time of year.
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361. I bought you
a Christmas present.
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362. Hmm.
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363. A watch.
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364. And...
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365. Turtles.
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366. Where did you
find turtles?
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367. At the corner store.
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368. Didn't you see the Rolex?
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369. I have eight Rolexes,
but I haven't had a Turtle
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370. since I was a girl.
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371. This is very
sweet of you.
Thanks, Mom.
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372. Well, why don't you
put your coat down?
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373. Edgar, why don't you play
something for us on the piano?
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374. I want to talk to Chris
for a little while.
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375. Well, thank you for
bringing my boy home.
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376. He gets lost easily.
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377. Has he always
been like this?
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378. You mean "crazy"?
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379. Yeah.
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380. Oh, Edgar's always
been savant-like.
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381. As a little child,
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382. he had a talent
for charts, graphs,
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383. numbers and martial arts.
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384. Really?
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385. Edgar? What is the
square root of pi?
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386. 1.77245385.
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387. I knew that.
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388. Until a few years ago,
he wa functioning semi-normally
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389. as an air traffic controller.
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390. What happened?
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391. Ronald Reagan.
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392. He fired us all.
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393. That sent me on
a downward spiral
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394. of paranoia,
schizophrenia...
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395. Reagan, too.
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396. I took to wandering
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397. the streets until I met
Gazoo, the space man,
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398. He told me that the
only true freedom
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399. could be found by
living in a box.
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400. Gazoo?
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401. From The Flintstones.
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402. Later Christmas day,
my family got a visit
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403. from the Ghost
of Shoplifting Present.
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404. Oh, yes?
Hi.
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405. I'm Monica's mother—
Tonya's friend.
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406. Oh, hi. How can I help you?
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407. I came to return this
gift Tonya gave her.
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408. It's too
expensive.
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409. It has to cost
like $30 or $40
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410. Oh, well, I
completely understand.
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411. Wait a minute.
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412. Would you like
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413. some beets?
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414. Why, thank you.
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415. Merry Christmas.
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416. Thank you.
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417. And a Happy Kwanzaa
to you as well.
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418. That look means, "I don't know
what the hell is going on,
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419. but I'm about to find out."
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420. Where'd you get this?
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421. Doc's store.
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422. Where'd you get the money?
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423. You did have
the money, didn't you?
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424. Monica got me
a Christmas present
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425. and I didn't
have one to give back, so...
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426. I took it.
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427. You took it.
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428. You mean you stole it.
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429. I'm sorry.
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430. Oh, you're gonna
be sorry.
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431. But first, you're
gonna take this
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432. back to Doc's
and you're gonna
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433. tell him what you did.
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434. Am I in trouble?
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435. Girl, you better be lucky
it's the holidays.
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436. Happy Kwanzaa.
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437. Nice to see you again, Mom,
but I gotta get home
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438. before somebody
moves into my box.
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439. I want you to keep
in touch this time.
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440. I will. I'll call you
from the phone in my head.
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441. Great. Chris,
this is my number.
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442. Will you call me from
the phone in your house
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443. and let me know
how he's doing?
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444. Yes.
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445. I appreciate that.
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446. You still have the
suitcase I gave you?
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447. Yes, ma'am.
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448. Well, is there
anything left in it?
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449. No, ma'am, it's empty.
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450. Well.
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451. Here's another.
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452. Thank you.
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453. And thank you, Chris.
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454. It's nice to know that
Edgar has a friend.
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455. Yeah. He's a
good friend, too.
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456. Bye, Mom.
Merry Christmas.
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457. My assignment was
to give something
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458. back to the community,
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459. and I didn't think
I had anything to give,
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460. but that's only because you
can't buy a friend at a store.
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461. Finding out that Kill Moves's
mother was a rich socialite
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462. should've been the biggest
surprise I had that day,
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463. but it wasn't.
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464. What's in there anyway?
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465. Same as last time.
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466. You want some?
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467. I can't eat it all.
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468. No, thanks.
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469. Well, at least
take this, uh...
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470. holiday card.
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471. Thanks.
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472. Merry Christmas.
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473. Merry Christmas, Chris.
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474. Rochelle.
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475. What's wrong?
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476. This is the just
worst holiday ever.
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477. Chris isn't home,
Tonya's stealing
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478. and Drew claims he's never gonna
talk to white people again.
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479. Years later, Drew
married a white woman.
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480. but every Christmas,
he ignores her
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481. I'm sorry, baby.
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482. Kwanzaa seemed
like a good idea.
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483. That's okay. We'll celebrate
Kwanzaa this time,
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484. but next year
we're having Christmas.
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485. I have a confession to make.
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486. What?
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487. Well, the reason we're not
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488. celebrating Christmas
this year is...
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489. I didn't get my bonus,
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490. I knew it!
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491. I knew it.
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492. You always choose cheap
over the truth.
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493. Why didn't you tell me you
didn't have any money?
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494. Well, I didn't want to
disappoint you, baby.
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495. Julius, we have been
15 years, three kids...
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496. And a partridge in a pear tree.
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497. I know you better
than you know yourself.
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498. Okay, fine. We just gotta
figure out a way to fix this.
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499. Kwanzaa had been
a disaster at my house,
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500. but at least Kill Moves
had a good Christmas.
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501. Then, just when I thought
I had nothing left to give,
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502. Hey! Happy holidays, 'lil dude.
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503. Let me hold a dollar.
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504. I don't have any money.
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505. But... I do have
this Christmas card.
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506. Thanks.
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507. You owe me a dollar.
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508. Merry Christmas.
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509. Even though Christmas
had passed,
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510. my parents wanted to let some
of our old traditions live.
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511. What's going on?
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512. Merry Christmas!
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513. Fortunately, one of the day-
after-Christmas traditions
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514. is that everything is 75% off.
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515. Kill Moves and his mother
taught me a valuable lesson—
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516. No matter what you celebrate,
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517. the holidays should be spent
with people you love.
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518. Thanks for that two
grand, 'lil dude.
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519. What two grand?
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520. It was in that Christmas
card you gave me.
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521. What?
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522. Yeah. In the
spirit of Christmas,
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523. I'm-a give you a dollar.
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524. You got change
for a hundred?
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525. Paramount Television
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