Everybody Hates Chris 2x8

1. When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday.

2. All you had to do was eat...

3. Chris, pass the macaroni and cheese.

4. and sleep.

5. Everybody in my family loved Thanksgiving,

6. except my mother,

7. because to her it was just more work.

8. But this year was going to be different.

9. All right, guys, family conference.

10. I just want to let y'all know

11. that if you think all you're going to do this Thanksgiving

12. is sit around and eat and sleep,

13. you got another think coming.

14. Uncle Louis is coming over

15. and I'm not doing all the work by myself.

16. What do we have to do?

17. I want everybody to make a dish.

18. I'll make the rolls.

19. I can make the cranberry sauce.

20. Which means she can open up a can and dump it in a bowl.

21. Chris, I want you to make the mac and cheese.

22. I don't know how to make mac and cheese.

23. And I don't want to be the one to mess it up.

24. I like living here.

25. Next to turkey, the most important dish

26. at our Thanksgiving dinner was the macaroni and cheese.

27. Making good mac and cheese wasn't cooking, it was science.

28. This year's Nobel prize nominees are...

29. Dr. Wan, for the cure to cancer...

30. Dr. Stravinsky, for the discovery of the missing link...

31. and Chris, for some good-ass macaroni and cheese.

32. And the winner is...

33. Chris!

34. That's okay, baby. You'll do fine.

35. All you got to do is follow the recipe.

36. Sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.

37. Captioning sponsored by CBS

38. Rochelle...

39. Where've you been?

40. At the grocery store.

41. Oh.

42. Foxy Brown sugar...

43. Telly Savalas eggs...

44. Dr. J stuffing...

45. Chuck Berry cranberry sauce?

46. And a Larry Bird turkey.

47. That won't even fit into our oven.

48. These are name brands. What's going on?

49. Nothing. Why?

50. Is this because your brother's coming?

51. My Uncle Louis was a successful chiropractor.

52. Since he was younger,

53. my father always felt like he had to outdo him.

54. I'll have a beer.

55. And you? I'll have a red wine.

56. I'll have a red wine, too.

57. A large.

58. Man, you wouldn't believe the stress I'm under at work.

59. I just got 15 new patients.

60. Man, I got so much stress at work,

61. they had to hire another guy to help me worry.

62. I got her for $150 below sticker.

63. Really? Yeah.

64. Oh, wow.

65. I got my whole car for below $150.

66. There's $98.47 worth of groceries.

67. That's usually what he says.

68. Rochelle, we have family coming over.

69. I can't have them thinking we can't afford nice things.

70. That's usually what she says.

71. Baby, why do you feel like you have to compete with Louis?

72. This has nothing to do with Louis.

73. I just want to have a good dinner.

74. Class...

75. I've decided to give you a holiday homework assignment.

76. Damn.

77. Yes, Chris? But it's a holiday.

78. And a very special one, Chris.

79. So for your assignment,

80. I want you to talk to family and friends,

81. and then write an essay

82. on what you're thankful for this Thanksgiving.

83. I used to be thankful for no homework.

84. Everybody, up, up, up, up, up!

85. Get up! What? What happened?

86. Time to cook.

87. Do we have to do it now?

88. Yeah, I'm tired. Me, too.

89. Only ten hours 'till turkey time.

90. It's one second to what-the- hell-is-wrong-with-you time.

91. What the hell is wrong with you?

92. Look, I need everybody's help.

93. If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right.

94. Because my father really wanted to impress his brother,

95. my dad was cooking like a quarterback running plays.

96. Okay, Chris, while the macaroni is boiling on the front burner

97. and you're grating the cheese on the chopping board,

98. Tonya, I need you to break right into the dining room

99. and prep the cranberry sauce.

100. Now while the sauce is jiggling,

101. Tonya and Drew, I need you to cover setting the table,

102. while I scrimmage to prepare the rest of the meal.

103. Now, Drew, I need you to cut across

104. back into the kitchen, bake the rolls,

105. and get them back to the table in 15 minutes.

106. On three.

107. One, two, three...

108. Grease!

109. What?

110. Nothing.

111. Looks like you got it all handled.

112. I think I'm gonna go upstairs.

113. But I need your help. No...

114. because if something goes wrong,

115. I don't want you blaming me.

116. He's blaming her right now.

117. While we got ready for Thanksgiving,

118. Mr. Omar came by for thanks-taking.

119. Hi, Ms. Rochelle.

120. Can I could borrow a cup of flour?

121. Oh, sure, no problem.

122. Can I borrow a cup of gravy?

123. Can I borrow a cup?

124. Mr. Omar, why don't you just come over

125. for Thanksgiving dinner?

126. I thought you'd never ask.

127. See you later.

128. Meanwhile, my Dad was still cooking like

129. a quarterback running plays.

130. Hey, Chris, no, no, no. Long, smooth strokes.

131. Don't beat it.

132. Did you butter the tops?

133. No. Well, then it's not ready to go in the oven yet.

134. Here, put the butter on, gently.

135. No, no, no, put that in a glass bowl.

136. But last year, we used the plastic bowl.

137. Last year, my brother wasn't coming.

138. What's the difference?

139. The difference is,

140. last year my brother wasn't coming.

141. Now put that in a glass bowl. Please?

142. Dad, what are you doing to that turkey?

143. That turkey's about to ask for a happy ending.

144. My mother always said if you massage the turkey,

145. then the meat will be more tender.

146. Don't put too much pepper on that.

147. Got it.

148. Hey, Dad, can we take a break?

149. Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break?

150. Did Moses take a break?

151. Did Gandhi take a break?

152. He took a break from eating.

153. That looks pretty good, Chris. Thanks, Dad.

154. Remember, two hours. I got to put the turkey in next.

155. My mac and cheese looked so good

156. Gandhi would've snuck himself a plate.

157. While my father was in the kitchen,

158. my mother had something cooking.

159. Yeah, come on over, Vanessa.

160. Uh-huh, Julius is cooking.

161. His mother's recipes, child.

162. No, it's always room for one more.

163. Okay, see you later.

164. What are you doing?

165. Well, you always invite people over when I cook,

166. so I figured I'll invite a few people over

167. since you're cooking.

168. Fine.

169. I'm going to take a quick nap.

170. Can you wake me up, so I can put the turkey in

171. when Chris takes the macaroni out?

172. All right, baby.

173. Thank you, babe.

174. Since we got up so early,

175. it was the first Thanksgiving in history

176. where people took a nap before the turkey.

177. Of course she didn't fall asleep on purpose,

178. but that didn't matter to the oven.

179. Oh, no.

180. Oh, no!

181. No!

182. That's not macaroni and cheese,

183. that's blackaroni and cheese.

184. That mac and cheese looked how my father felt.

185. That's your mother's recipe?

186. How come you didn't wake me up?

187. Because you woke me up at 5:00 in the morning.

188. What are you going to do about this mac and cheese?

189. I sent Chris down to Doc's to get some more.

190. You sent Chris to look for macaroni and cheese

191. on Thanksgiving?

192. That's like trying to find candles on Hanukkah.

193. Well, don't worry about it.

194. Look, I'll start the turkey and finish the cobbler.

195. Well, where are you going to cook the mac and cheese?

196. In the oven.

197. When? What are you talking about?

198. The turkey's gonna take five hours at 300 degrees,

199. the mac and cheese is gonna take

200. two hours at 320 degrees,

201. then the cobbler's gonna take 45 minutes at 425 degrees.

202. You've already lost two hours

203. with Three Mile Island here, so I'd say

204. we'll probably, we'll be eating dinner around about

205. 1:30 tomorrow morning.

206. That's if nothing else goes wrong.

207. My mother was bad at math, except when it came to

208. multiplying my father's headaches.

209. Happy Thanksgiving!

210. Hey, big bro.

211. What's up, Louis. How you doing?

212. Hi, Vanessa.

213. How are you, Mr. Julius?

214. You know Mrs. Watkins.

215. Not like you do.

216. Big man!

217. Hey. All right.

218. Hey, go on in, go on in.

219. Louis. Hey, man.

220. How you doing?

221. So, I didn't want to show up empty-handed.

222. So voilá. Thank you.

223. What is it?

224. It smells delicious.

225. Uh-oh, watch her.

226. Ever since her husband died,

227. she's been eating like it's going out of style.

228. They're organic green beans.

229. See, I toasted some almonds up

230. and then I crushed them

231. and drizzled on some olive oil that I pressed myself.

232. You sound like you went to chef school.

233. No, I'm a chiropractor. He went to spine school.

234. You didn't tell me your brother went to college.

235. You didn't tell me you had a brother.

236. Hey, Uncle Louis!

237. What's up, sweetie?

238. Hey, big man.

239. Hey. Hey.

240. Good seeing you. Hey!

241. Why they don't treat me like that?

242. 'Cause you don't have a job.

243. Hey, where's Chris?

244. Oh, he went out, he'll be back.

245. Oh, okay. Well, um,

246. everybody put your coats down

247. and, you know, we'll get started.

248. You're looking for macaroni

249. on Thanksgiving Day?

250. Man, that's like looking for candles on Hanukkah.

251. Well, I did make the mac and cheese, but I burned it.

252. You don't have to worry. I know just what to do.

253. You don't need macaroni and cheese

254. to make macaroni and cheese.

255. You don't?

256. No.

257. You can make macaroni and cheese out of anything.

258. All you got to do is...

259. Whenever anyone says, "All you have to do is..."

260. the next thing they say is always something impossible.

261. Dismantling a bomb is easy.

262. All you have to do is identify the ground wire,

263. pull out your cutters...

264. and snip.

265. You try it.

266. Base jumping is easy.

267. All you got to do is make sure you have enough distance

268. from the base before you pop your chute.

269. You try...

270. Juggling chainsaws is easy.

271. All you have to do is keep one saw in the air at all times.

272. All you have to do is learn to live with one hand.

273. Dang, man, you want me to go get somebody or something?

274. Leave it in for 96 minutes and that's it.

275. Simple.

276. Doc, I can't do all this.

277. Why don't you just come by the house and make it yourself?

278. I mean, you can stay for dinner.

279. I'm working.

280. But I really need your help, Doc.

281. Maybe I can close early.

282. Back at home, while my father was doing all the work,

283. his brother was having all the fun.

284. Wherever he went, my Uncle Louis

285. was the life of the party.

286. He danced... Ooh, ooh, ooh.

287. Don't get so excited.

288. he sang...

289. He even spun plates.

290. But what he seemed to do best,

291. was irritate my father.

292. Don't you see me trying to fit this turkey in the oven?

293. Oh, yeah, just move the rack.

294. Move the rack?

295. I'm sorry, forgive me, I didn't go to college.

296. Where's that carving knife?

297. Hey, hey, Julius man, I'm just trying to help.

298. You want to help me? Yeah.

299. Get back out there and start singing and dancing again.

300. That's how you can help me.

301. What is your problem, man?

302. I'm sick of you, that's my problem.

303. Ever since you come over here,

304. you been trying to make me look bad.

305. I go out of my way to make a dinner for you,

306. and you out there doing Ashford and Simpson.

307. I bought all these groceries

308. and even used Mom's recipes.

309. Whoa, who told you to use Mom's recipes?

310. You know Mama can't cook.

311. I didn't tell you to do any of this.

312. All I said was that I'm coming over.

313. And you're the one running around here

314. looking like the Galloping Gourmet.

315. Forget it. I'm done.

316. You can't stop cook...

317. You got people here, man.

318. They like you so much...

319. let's see how they like your cooking.

320. Happy Thanksgiving.

321. Hi, Uncle Louis. Hey, Mr. Chris.

322. How you doing, man?

323. Good.

324. Well, who died?

325. My husband.

326. Oh, my condolences.

327. No, not just now.

328. It happened a couple of weeks ago.

329. Yeah, he got mauled by a bear at the circus.

330. Tragic.

331. So you're a widow?

332. Yes. All right, now.

333. It's her third time. You gonna be number four?

334. You better leave her alone.

335. So where you been, Chris?

336. Oh, I been with Doc.

337. He's going to make his famous macaroni and cheese.

338. Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

339. Good.

340. Cook it fast. I'm hungry.

341. I'm sorry.

342. I didn't know it was that important to you.

343. It's... it's all right.

344. Baby.

345. What?

346. I think you broke the turkey.

347. If I didn't do something,

348. this was going to be the most depressing Thanksgiving ever.

349. So...

350. Uncle Mike, is your back still hurting?

351. Oh, yeah. My back as been out for 11 years.

352. It's an old football injury.

353. I didn't know you played football.

354. I don't. I was watching football

355. and fell off the couch.

356. Does your back hurt now?

357. Yeah. Show me where.

358. Right here.

359. Right back there.

360. Yeah, right, right, right there.

361. That's your L-5.

362. I can fix that for you.

363. I don't know. I've been knowing a lot of doctors

364. and they told me it was all chronic.

365. Chronic? What doctor has he been going to

366. Doctors— they don't know what they're talking about.

367. All right, here, here.

368. Ready?

369. Oh, geez.

370. I feel better.

371. Oh, good. Now you can get a job.

372. I'm not cured, Rochelle.

373. It's just in remission.

374. I'm next.

375. Cross your arms.

376. Okay, I'll get this out of here.

377. They look happy now,

378. but wait till he sends them the bill.

379. Oh.

380. Oh, right here.

381. While everyone was inside feeling better,

382. my father was outside feeling worse.

383. Whoa, whoa, don't throw that away.

384. Is that burnt mac and cheese?

385. Yeah. Why?

386. It's just the way I like it.

387. He wants that blackaroni,

388. 'cause he's on that crackaroni.

389. Hey.

390. Hey.

391. You all right?

392. Yeah. You?

393. Me? Yeah.

394. All right. All right.

395. All right. All right.

396. Hungry?

397. Yeah.

398. Eat?

399. Yeah.

400. Cool.

401. Cool.

402. My father and uncle loved each other,

403. And even though they didn't

404. always get along, deep down inside

405. here's what they really wanted to say.

406. Hey. You all right? Hey. Yeah.

407. You? Yeah.

408. All right. Hungry?

409. Eat? Yeah.

410. Cool. Cool.

411. We couldn't wait for the turkey,

412. so Doc's mac and cheese moved from side dish

413. to main course.

414. Rolls, mac and cheese, cranberry sauce.

415. You know, I haven't had

416. a meal like this since I kicked my habit.

417. Yeah, I'm glad I don't have to watch you at the store no more.

418. I know that's right.

419. You know what, this is the best Thanksgiving I've had in years.

420. Not to mention the fact you fixed my back.

421. And these green beans, they good. Thank you.

422. Ooh, Doc, this macaroni and cheese is fantastic.

423. It's the best I've ever tasted.

424. The best you'll ever taste,

425. unless you invite me to next Thanksgiving.

426. Hey, Rochelle, why I got to be over where with the kids?

427. 'Cause everybody at that table lives with their mother. Anyway...

428. 'Cause only working people at this table.

429. Oh, well, since you're all here,

430. I was wondering if you could help me

431. with my homework assignment.

432. What do you need, baby?

433. I need to find out what everybody's

434. really thankful for this Thanksgiving.

435. Well, I'm thankful I didn't have to eat

436. any of your burnt mac and cheese.

437. I'm thankful for Carla, Leslie, Pam, Christie,

438. Michelle, Tanisha, and Miss Patterson.

439. I'm thankful for Mrs. Tyler, Mrs. Jackson, Mrs. Watkins,

440. Mrs. Turner, Mrs. Perkins And Mrs. Patterson.

441. Well, I'm thankful that I don't have to take no mess,

442. 'cause my man has two jobs.

443. I'm thankful my son has a job.

444. I'm, uh... I'm thankful for the world's greatest

445. older brother, man, and I mean that.

446. Hey, big round of applause

447. for the man who made Thanksgiving possible,

448. ladies and gentlemen.

449. I'm thankful I don't have to sit with those kids no more.

450. I'm thankful I read this book by Larry X.

451. I mean, this brother is so hip.

452. He breaks down the real deal on Thanksgiving

453. as it pertains to the disenfranchised

454. minorities of this capitalist society.

455. And it's autographed, too.

456. You better read it.

457. Thanks.

458. While Doc had given me some food for thought,

459. my father couldn't take his thoughts off of food.

460. Come on, get up.

461. Tonya, wake up.

462. Chris, Chris, wake up.

463. Drew, Drew, get up.

464. Oh, Julius.

465. It's beautiful.

466. You didn't think he was going to waste

467. $95 worth of brand name food.

468. Even though I didn't like the idea

469. of homework over Thanksgiving,

470. I did learn what Thanksgiving was all about.

471. "To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness.

472. "Thanksgiving came about

473. "when the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock.

474. "The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter,

475. "taught them how to grow corn

476. "and how to prepare for the winter.

477. "They went on to cook

478. "one of the greatest meals the pilgrims every ate.

479. "And in appreciation for showing them how

480. "to prosper and survive in this brave new world,

481. "the pilgrims killed the Indians

482. "and created a holiday in their honor.

483. "So on this Thanksgiving,

484. "I'm thankful for my family, my friends,

485. "but most importantly, I'm thankful

486. that I'm not a Native American."

487. Happy Thanksgiving.