Everybody Hates Chris 2x7

1. EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #029 "Everybody Hates Promises"

2. When I was elected president of Corleone,

3. my school was way ahead of its time.

4. The rest of the country

5. didn't get a black president until Clinton.

6. Like all presidents, I had made campaign promises

7. that were going to be hard to keep.

8. I promise you no more rope-climbing in gym

9. unless your favorite sport is climbing rope.

10. I promise no more homework on Saturday

11. unless you got to be in school on Sunday.

12. I promise all our book reports will be on books

13. that were made into movies.

14. I promise you rubber floors,

15. so that when the bully knocks you down,

16. you'll bounce right back up.

17. We've got spring break, we've got summer break.

18. What about a fall break and a winter break?

19. I don't want to come to school when it's hot,

20. so why would I want to come to school when it's cold?

21. Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris!

22. To win my office,

23. I told them everything they wanted to hear.

24. There was only one problem.

25. They listened.

26. You promised you'd take us to a Knicks game.

27. You promised I'd get a new locker.

28. You promised I'd get a raise!

29. You promised I'd get a shave.

30. You promised we'd get some real meat.

31. Usted me prometí de enseñarme ingles.

32. What are you going to do about it?

33. I had no idea what I was going to do.

34. So I did what all great leaders do.

35. I'll get right on it.

36. I promise.

37. Captioning sponsored by

38. My new promise to keep my old promises

39. was seen as very unpromising.

40. Hey, Greg!

41. "Hey, Greg"? Did you see the school paper?

42. We have a school paper?

43. Bush wasn't the first president who didn't read the paper.

44. What did I lie about?

45. Apparently you lied about everything.

46. The last true thing I said was,

47. "My name is Chris and I'm running for president."

48. I didn't mean any of that stuff.

49. Caruso stole my speech. He's no better than me.

50. Yeah, but he didn't win.

51. Now you're stuck with all those campaign promises.

52. All presidents lie to get elected.

53. What do they do?

54. Distraction. They just force the press to cover

55. other, more benign issues,

56. until the public loses interest in the story.

57. Maybe we should ignore the problem till it goes away.

58. I was thinking more like setting the cafeteria on fire,

59. but we'll try it your way first.

60. I'll get it.

61. Oh, hi, Uncle Mike.

62. Hi. While I was looking for help,

63. my Uncle Michael was looking for a free meal.

64. Big man!

65. Hey, Uncle Mike.

66. Hey, I didn't know y'all was having dinner.

67. Why would you? It's only dinnertime.

68. My Uncle Michael didn't have a job,

69. so he was always free to stop by

70. and free to eat some free food.

71. I didn't know y'all was having breakfast.

72. I didn't know y'all was having lunch.

73. I didn't know y'all was having pancakes.

74. We're in a pancake house.

75. My father and Michael didn't get along

76. because whatever my father said,

77. my uncle said the opposite.

78. I like the Ford.

79. I like the Chevy.

80. I want to go see Picasso.

81. I want to go see Matisse.

82. Mmm.

83. Tastes great.

84. Less filling.

85. Uh... Chris,

86. why don't you get your uncle a plate?

87. Mama, can you teach me how to double Dutch?

88. You don't know how to double Dutch?

89. It's easy.

90. If it's so easy, why don't you teach her?

91. That's a girl game.

92. How do you know to double Dutch anyway?

93. I don't know. Just do.

94. So are you gonna teach me?

95. No.

96. Yeah.

97. So, Chris,

98. what's up with you?

99. Well, I was voted

100. eighth grade class president.

101. Uh-oh! Just like Jesse Jackson.

102. Ronald Reagan is the president.

103. Jesse Jackson's just a resident.

104. You might like Reagan, but he don't like you.

105. I like my nephew.

106. Black president.

107. Way to go, yo.

108. Uncle Michael had finished dinner, but he wasn't finished.

109. That was good, 'Chelle.

110. Oh, thanks. How's Momma?

111. She threw me out.

112. Threw you out?

113. Well, what happened?

114. You know how Momma always give you half of something.

115. Well, there was a piece of cake in the refrigerator.

116. So I ate the whole thing.

117. Next thing I know, she just started tripping.

118. Talk about, "You eat up everything.

119. You need to get a job and buy your own cake."

120. You believe that?

121. Yes. Momma been tripping since Daddy died.

122. Well, where are you staying?

123. I was wondering if I could stay here

124. with you a couple days.

125. Oh, I don't know, Michael.

126. I gotta ask Julius that.

127. Thank you, sis.

128. You know I love you.

129. "Where am I sleeping?"

130. "Will President be Impeached"?

131. Who's talking about you getting impeached?

132. Maybe it's about time we start thinking

133. about that cafeteria fire.

134. My father was tired from work and tired of Uncle Michael.

135. Where's Uncle Michael?

136. Oh, he's upstairs asleep in my room.

137. Sounds like a night at the Neverland Ranch.

138. You all right?

139. Mmm, yeah. I'm just having some problems at school.

140. You're president. What kind of problems could you have?

141. I made some campaign promises that I can't deliver.

142. So now they want to impeach me.

143. That's what you get.

144. What?

145. How would you like it if I said I was gonna do something for you

146. and didn't do it?

147. Oh. Okay, so then what should I do?

148. I don't know. I didn't promise to tell you what to do,

149. but you got yourself in this mess.

150. Whatever happens, happens,

151. but it's your responsibility.

152. My father didn't believe in making promises,

153. which was tough for him because they were free.

154. Back at school, it was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Truth.

155. Why did you write all this stuff about me?

156. And who said I was getting impeached?

157. It doesn't say you're getting impeached.

158. It's asking, "Will you get impeached?"

159. Well, who asked will I get impeached?

160. My sources.

161. What sources?

162. What would you think if Chris got impeached?

163. Is Chris going to be impeached?

164. I think you're a fraud.

165. I think you were lying then, and

166. I think you're lying now.

167. This is totally unfair because you've got

168. a personal ax to grind.

169. What ax?

170. Your boyfriend Ping is running

171. with Caruso and he lost.

172. You just want revenge.

173. Ping is not my boyfriend.

174. He's not?

175. No.

176. Say, what are you doing after school?

177. Greg.

178. Sorry.

179. I'm gonna continue to pursue the truth

180. wherever it leads me.

181. Now get out of my office.

182. Fine. Fine

183. That was fair and balanced.

184. While Lisa was in pursuit of the truth,

185. Uncle Michael was in pursuit of a snooze.

186. I got my first lesson in ethics

187. and Tonya was getting hers in double Dutch.

188. Drew, I'm ready for you to teach me how to double Dutch.

189. Double Dutch is hard.

190. I mean, you can't just jump right into it.

191. How come?

192. 'Cause double Dutch is a serious sport.

193. What do you think this is, single Dutch?

194. No. Okay, then.

195. You can start by stretching.

196. Can you touch your toes?

197. How many times?

198. I'll let you know.

199. Just keep stretching.

200. And after this, we'll do knee bends.

201. Tonya got stretched, and so did my father's patience.

202. Why is your brother sleeping on my couch?

203. Him and Momma got into a little fight.

204. It'll just be for a few days.

205. You couldn't ask me?

206. I was going to.

207. I don't want my kids waking up in the morning

208. getting used to seeing a grown man sleeping on the couch.

209. Don't worry, Julius, he'll be gone soon.

210. How soon?

211. Julius, he's family, okay?

212. Just be patient.

213. Big man!

214. That couch is kinda rough.

215. 'Chelle, did you make anything to eat?

216. I'm hungry.

217. Better make that food to go.

218. Michael, didn't you eat last night?

219. Yeah. It's afternoon now.

220. 86... 87... 88...

221. 89... What you doing?

222. Jumping jacks.

223. Why?

224. Because Drew's gonna teach me

225. how to double Dutch.

226. By doing jumping jacks?

227. He says it's gonna build up my endurance.

228. Drew!

229. Come in the house, it's time to eat.

230. Come on.

231. Hey, Tonya. Tomorrow, we'll work on your footwork.

232. I thought you said we were gonna work

233. on hand-eye coordination.

234. That's the day after tomorrow.

235. Come on.

236. While Drew gave Tonya the runaround,

237. Uncle Michael just ate and sat around.

238. Mmm. This is good.

239. So, how you doing, Mr. President?

240. Not so good.

241. Why, baby

242. Well, being class president

243. is a little bit harder than I thought.

244. You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.

245. Ha-ha! I know that's right.

246. Y'all listen to your uncle.

247. She didn't say that when he told us

248. to invest our money in parachute pants.

249. Hey, Daddy.

250. Hey.

251. Big man! Sit down

252. and have some of this chicken.

253. Mmm. It's good...

254. That look means, "You're lucky I don't have heat vision."

255. Baby, why don't you come over here and sit down?

256. I-I'll get you a dinner plate.

257. So, uh, you been out all day looking for work?

258. No, I've been here all day.

259. Why is that?

260. It's cold out there,

261. but it's warm in here.

262. Um...

263. Michael, why don't you run out to the store

264. and, uh, get us some Nestea?

265. But The A Team about to come on.

266. That's my program.

267. I love me some Mr. T.

268. "I pity the fool."

269. That's my boy.

270. Michael!

271. Go get the Nestea.

272. Here you go, baby.

273. Okay?

274. Now, is there anything else I could get for you?

275. No. I just want to sit in my chair.

276. That face means there's nothing worse

277. than sitting on a hot chair warmed by a lazy ass.

278. Mommy made you really good spinach.

279. Mmm! Yummy. Mm! Mm!

280. Michael, you talk to Momma yet?

281. Nah. I'm giving her a chance to calm down.

282. You got to leave.

283. If Julius finds you here tomorrow,

284. I don't know what he's going to do.

285. If I go home, I don't know what Momma gonna do.

286. You got one more night.

287. Okay, 'Chelle.

288. Dang.

289. And stay out of Julius' chair.

290. Back at school, I stopped making promises,

291. and started making demands.

292. I'd like all book reports to be on books

293. that were made into movies.

294. Are you high?

295. I'm asking, not judging.

296. No.

297. I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.

298. Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?

299. A TV in the library, more field trips,

300. instituting recess, and no more detention.

301. Chris, how are you going to know how to act

302. when you get stopped by the police

303. if we don't give you detention?

304. Let me explain something to you, Chris.

305. The Office of Class President is titular.

306. What

307. Titular, Chris.

308. It means you don't have any power, just a title.

309. The first thing I should have done as President

310. was change the meaning of "titular."

311. Well, you're saying that, even though I'm Class President,

312. I can't change anything around here?

313. Exactly.

314. Well, if I don't have any power,

315. how can you let them impeach me?

316. I mean, come on, I can't do anything.

317. Can I at least get French fries at lunch?

318. I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.

319. MRS. The point is, Chris,

320. the students run the student government,

321. and they can do what they want.

322. And I can't do anything.

323. That's not true.

324. Maybe you can talk them into

325. letting you stay in office.

326. That's a good idea.

327. Give another one of those speeches.

328. But if I can make a suggestion,

329. maybe this time you should try rhyming.

330. Maybe you should try Prozac.

331. Did you know I didn't have any power?

332. What are you talking about you got no power?

333. You're the president.

334. I'm a figurehead, like Mayor McCheese,

335. like Colonel Sanders, like Dr. Detroit.

336. Dipaolo told a guy we were going to put cherry Kool-Aid

337. in the water fountains.

338. Dipaolo?

339. Well, that was another bad idea.

340. Tell me about it.

341. I thought being president would help make us more popular

342. and help solve some problems.

343. All it did was cause more problems and make more people hate you.

344. Here he is! Well, at least things can't get worse... Hey!

345. Gotcha!

346. You think you can steal my stuff and get away with it?

347. I didn't take this. These kids ran by

348. and they dropped it on my table!

349. Good, tell it to the police.

350. Greg, where you going? Come on.

351. While he's grabbing me, three white kids grabbed

352. everything in his cash register.

353. It wasn't me! Shut up! Shut up!

354. "Heist By Class President Foiled as Impeachment Looms"?

355. This is outrageous!

356. How are you going to call me a liar?

357. You're the liar. I'm not guilty.

358. They found the real guys five minutes later.

359. I had a deadline. School was out in an hour and a half.

360. You couldn't wait 30 minutes

361. to find out whether your story was true or not?

362. You're the class president, this is the news.

363. We wouldn't have printed it

364. if you hadn't exhibited a pattern of behavior.

365. What pattern?

366. Maybe I was guilty.

367. You're supposed to be a journalist.

368. You can't in good conscience let this stand

369. without printing a retraction.

370. He's gonna lose his office.

371. I promise I'll print a retraction.

372. What are you gonna do?

373. I don't know. What can I do?

374. While I was hoping Lisa kept her promise,

375. Tonya was showing some promise.

376. How much longer, Drew?

377. I'll tell you.

378. And after this, you'll do wind sprints.

379. Dang!

380. Tonya trained harder than Rocky.

381. My uncle hated to work so much, he left a lazy stain.

382. Big man!

383. Is that my shirt?

384. I didn't even see that.

385. Popcorn?

386. Julius, let me explain.

387. I don't want to know, I don't want to understand,

388. I don't even want to hear it.

389. I just want him gone.

390. Well, he has no place to go.

391. I don't care.

392. Him and my mother had a fight.

393. He about to have a fight with me.

394. What's he doing with my shirt on?

395. Well, he spilled chocolate sauce on his.

396. My chocolate sauce? Well...

397. Now he's spilling my food, he's wearing my shirt,

398. sitting on my couch, eating my popcorn,

399. watching my television, burning my electricity.

400. Julius, he's my brother.

401. Okay. How much longer do I have to deal with this?

402. Not much longer.

403. Baby, because you're so understanding about this,

404. I am going to make your favorite cheese grits for breakfast.

405. Cheese grits?

406. Uh-huh.

407. I love them cheese grits.

408. I know you do.

409. Baby, I promise you he'll be gone by tomorrow, okay?

410. My dad had heard that before; I think it was yesterday.

411. Extra cheese?

412. Extra cheese, sharp cheddar.

413. Sharp cheddar. Sharp cheddar.

414. MRS. Inasmuch as our own student government

415. reflects the reality of our actual government,

416. malfeasance on the part of our seated president

417. has brought us to this impeachment hearing.

418. All right, Kingfish, you got the floor.

419. Okay, over the past few days,

420. rumors have been circulated about me.

421. The press have put out stories

422. saying that I'm guilty of a lot of things.

423. Are you done?

424. No.

425. I didn't do any of those things.

426. I'm not a crook.

427. Nevertheless...

428. After talking to Greg,

429. I imagined what my father would say to me.

430. So you're just gonna quit, huh?

431. All these people who made it possible for you to become

432. the first black class president, and now you're just gonna quit?

433. Yeah, and what if we quit?

434. Black people would never have become pilots.

435. If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap!

436. If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would have been called

437. Cream of White!

438. If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.

439. Chris, I know you don't think

440. being eight-grade class president

441. is a big deal, but one day it will be.

442. If people tell you enough times that you're wrong,

443. sometimes you forget that you're right.

444. They could impeach me if they wanted,

445. but I wasn't going to stand there

446. and let them call me a liar and a cheat.

447. The reason I'm here now is because the newspaper

448. has put out stories saying that I lied and I cheated.

449. And I promised you

450. that I would try to change things around here.

451. Well, I tried, and it didn't work.

452. Well, at least not yet.

453. I still want to be your class president,

454. it's just that I need another chance to make things right.

455. Y'all believed in me before.

456. You can keep believing in me now.

457. Fight the power, Chris.

458. Fight the power.

459. All right, all those in favor

460. of impeaching Chris, raise their hand and say "Aye."

461. Aye!

462. What?

463. All right, the ayes have it.

464. You're impeached.

465. I didn't even get a chance to touch a fat white woman.

466. Hey, how come you're not training?

467. Because Drew lied to me.

468. I did everything he asked.

469. I ran through tires, I did wind sprints

470. and I still can't double Dutch.

471. Well, I'll help you.

472. You will?

473. Yeah.

474. You already know how to do this.

475. Just count it out and when I say "go," go.

476. Okay, ready... go.

477. Thanks, Drew.

478. What?

479. Big man!

480. I see why these cheese grits

481. are your favorite.

482. Mm-mm.

483. Julius, come on, man!

484. I said I'm sorry, man!

485. Julius!

486. What?

487. Can I at least get my clothes, man?

488. You want your clothes?

489. I got your clothes. I got your clothes.

490. That's for eating my cheese grits.

491. Julius, this is wrong, man.

492. I'm gonna tell 'Chelle about this!

493. What you looking at?

494. You ain't never been throwed out before?

495. This is wrong, man!

496. Over some grits?

497. My father eventually came downstairs to return his sock,

498. but he shoved it somewhere

499. that Uncle Michael couldn't reach it.

500. I need a ride, man!

501. Getting impeached taught me a valuable lesson:

502. only make promises you can keep.

503. From then on, I just promised to eat pizza

504. and watch the Knicks game.

505. She promised a retraction. Here it is.

506. Do you see this? This is tinier than

507. the print in the Bazooka Joe comic strip.

508. Well, we had a good run and we made history.

509. Yeah, I know.

510. I was the first class president ever to be impeached.

511. I wonder who's going to replace you.

512. Probably Dipaolo.

513. Great, we're gonna have an idiot for president.

514. Who knew Greg could see into the future?

515. See you later.

516. Hey, check this out.

517. There's cherry Kool-Aid coming out of the water fountain.