Everybody Hates Chris 2x21

1. Everybody Hates Chris #043 "Everybody Hates Math"

2. When I was in school,

3. students usually got recognition

4. for one of two things: being really good...

5. This year's Valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.

6. and being really bad.

7. I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

8. but your son is an idiot.

9. I was usually somewhere in the middle.

10. Until it came to algebra.

11. Chris, are you paying attention?

12. Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?

13. Yes.

14. It's a simple two-step equation.

15. Minus nine X, plus one, equals minus 80.

16. What is x?

17. 89?

18. Eighty-no.

19. Monkey toe. Greg?

20. X equals positive nine. Correct.

21. Why didn't you just ask him in the first place?

22. Chris?

23. I need to talk to you. Yes?

24. You realize this week is our pizza competition. I know.

25. Every year, the math classes at Corleone

26. competed for a pizza day.

27. Next to the last day of school,

28. it was everybody's favorite day.

29. At my old school, if you got a high score in math,

30. all you got was this...

31. An "A" in math?

32. I bet that "A" won't keep me from kicking your ass.

33. Now, Chris, my request for the school to provide you

34. with an alternate victory meal of ribs and pigs' knuckles

35. was denied, but I know

36. as well as you do that you loves you some pizza, right?

37. Uh... right.

38. Well, I'd like our class win, but...

39. if you don't get your average up, that's not going to happen.

40. But I'm trying. I just don't get algebra.

41. Maybe you could tutor me after school.

42. I'm sorry, Chris. I don't have time.

43. Have you called the United Negro College Fund?

44. Maybe they can help.

45. History would later prove her wrong.

46. All I'm trying to say is:

47. if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.

48. And I'm gonna get sliced.

49. Captioning sponsored by CBS

50. You've got to come through for us, dude.

51. Remember last year how we could smell the pizza

52. coming down the hall and then...

53. passing us by and leaving us

54. like the last helicopter out of Saigon?

55. Greg had watched First Blood on TV the night before.

56. I don't want to go through that again.

57. So, what? You're going to help me?

58. I'd like to, but I'm already tutoring six other dumb kids.

59. Plus, my aunt's over this week.

60. She's got something planned with the family

61. every night this week.

62. Tonight we're driving over the Verrazano Bridge.

63. Maybe someone else can help you.

64. Nobody here is going to help me.

65. You gotta do something.

66. I want that pizza.

67. Greg, you eat pizza every day.

68. Yeah, but this is free. Hey, Major Harris...

69. if you mess up our pizza day,

70. I'm gonna smack the crust out of you.

71. Since it wasn't the first time I'd had problems with algebra,

72. I figured the best thing to do was to get help.

73. Hey, baby. I thought you had to work today.

74. I asked Doc for the day off.

75. Why algebra.

76. We have this pizza day coming up and we can't win

77. unless I bring up my test score.

78. Is that how they get you to pass your classes these days,

79. is by giving you pizza?

80. I guess if they gave you steak, you'd be headed to class.

81. And if they gave you chicken, you'd open up the Apollo.

82. So you think I could get an algebra tutor?

83. An algebra tutor

84. Now, there are six units and 12 tenants in this building.

85. If "X" equals the number of units with televisions,

86. and "Y" equals the people who are at work right now,

87. how many TVs can we steal?

88. Hmm?

89. You know, your grandmother was a great algebra teacher.

90. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that.

91. So you think she can work with me?

92. You could work with me— I know algebra

93. like the back of my hand.

94. Which will probably end up upside my head.

95. So you're going to tutor me?

96. You want that pizza, don't you?

97. Yeah.

98. Besides, I don't want my mother

99. thinking my kids are dumb.

100. Your kids? What about her kid?

101. Because of the crack trade, it was a lot harder

102. for Risky to make money on the streets.

103. He couldn't make money on electronics.

104. This is a brand new VCR— $30.

105. I'll sell you 30 for $1.

106. He couldn't make money on clothes.

107. This is nice.

108. It's real leather, $50.

109. I'll sell this one to you for a $1.50.

110. He couldn't even make money on food.

111. One Bomb Pop. Two dollars.

112. Sell you a lick for a nickel.

113. So Risky took his biggest risk of all.

114. He got a job.

115. You 10 minutes late.

116. Sorry, man. Look, I appreciateyou hiring me,

117. but I haven't had a regular job in ten years.

118. But, hey— I'm here and I'm ready.

119. Yeah. Ready to give my father high blood pressure.

120. Look, I'd like to help you out,

121. but be late tomorrow, and that's it.

122. Tanya loved her TV time.

123. And to her, TV time meant no Drew time.

124. What do you think you're doing? I'm sitting down.

125. You can't sit in Daddy's chair.

126. You're the one taking up the whole couch.

127. So? Sit on the floor.

128. I don't want to sit on the floor.

129. Well, I'm telling Daddy.

130. Telling Daddy what?

131. Telling Daddy that you broke his chair.

132. You are going to be in so much trouble.

133. You're sure you can't do this?

134. I can't. My cousin from south Jersey wants to drive me

135. around Brooklyn and listen to "Born in the USA."

136. What? It's a long story.

137. But, I've gotta get some help with this.

138. I don't get it. If your mom knows algebra,

139. why don't you want her to tutor you?

140. 'Cause when I'm working with her, I never learn anything.

141. She's like Bobby Knight.

142. All she does is scream and point.

143. But I stuck with it,

144. sure that my hard work would pay off.

145. No! No! What are you doing?

146. N plus five over minus 16 equals minus one.

147. What's the answer? I don't know.

148. No, no, no!

149. The other side.

150. What difference does it make?

151. What difference does it make?

152. Note to self: when dealing with

153. the irrefutable scienceof numbers,

154. don't ask "What difference does it make?"

155. If you put it on that side, it's wrong.

156. That's the difference.

157. No!

158. Wrong!

159. That's wrong!

160. Incorrect!

161. Uh-uh!

162. No! Incorrect! Eh! Wrong!

163. Since when does Y equal X?

164. Are you crazy?

165. X does not equal Y!

166. You carry the two over the N.

167. How hard can it be?

168. God, Chris, what kind of answer is that?

169. The kind you come up with,

170. with a crazy woman screaming at you.

171. You know, maybe Grandma can help me. We could call her.

172. No, because she's gonna to tell you the same thing.

173. If you can add and subtract, you can do this.

174. My mother applied that logic to a lot of situations.

175. If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe.

176. Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker,

177. then you can stitch up a chest.

178. Suture!

179. If you can jump rope, you can jump from a plane.

180. Go!

181. Oh! Baby!

182. You forgot your parachute!

183. No, no! If you multiply on one side,

184. you have to multiply on the other side.

185. That moment was the closest I ever came

186. to giving up and hitting the pipe.

187. Mom, can we please take a break?

188. Okay, baby.

189. You know what? I think we're getting a little closer.

190. I can feel it.

191. If it's utter despair, I can I can feel it, too.

192. While I was trying to find an answer to my problem,

193. Drew was trying to dodge a problem with his answer.

194. Somebody been sitting in my chair?

195. Middle bear. I don't know. Why?

196. It's broken, that's why.

197. Broken

198. I don't know. I didn't break it.

199. Are you sure?

200. 'Cause you could've just broken just now when you sat down.

201. Tonya, you been sitting in my chair?

202. If that were me, Tonya would've been telling already.

203. But for Drew, she had something better in mind.

204. Yeah, I sat there. What happened?

205. I think you broke it.

206. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

207. That's all right.

208. I think I can fix it.

209. How come you didn't tell?

210. Because you're going to do whatever I tell you to do.

211. And if you don't, then I'm gonna tell.

212. Now go get me some popcorn.

213. Go ahead.

214. I wonder if that's how Hillary Clinton got started.

215. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

216. So I got going to grandma's house.

217. Chris, what are you doing here?

218. Hi, Grandma. I need your help.

219. What's the problem?

220. Mama, plus me, times algebra, equals you.

221. Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grandmother

222. made me feel guiltier

223. than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.

224. Don't feel bad, Chris.

225. I taught Rochelle everything she knows,

226. but I didn't teach her everything I know.

227. Teaching is a skill.

228. No different than flying a plane.

229. Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.

230. How come you didn't come to me in the first place?

231. She didn't want you to think that she couldn't do it.

232. Mm-hmm.

233. So, I guess you just want to keep this between me and you.

234. Could we?

235. My father had given Risky a job,

236. which was turning out to be a job in itself.

237. Hey, what's happening, Cooper?

238. Hey, Coop, how you doing, man?

239. Hey.

240. Let me get a large coffee and, uh, two butter rolls.

241. I'm sorry, man.

242. No coffee today.

243. What

244. Somebody broke into the truck again last night.

245. Stole the coffeemaker, they stole the coffee,

246. they stole the sugar, they stole the creamer,

247. they stole the straws, they stole the stirrers,

248. they even stole the Sweet'N Low.

249. All they left me

250. was three bags of Earl Grey tea... and these cups.

251. I can give you the water, but you have to heat it yourself.

252. What if I give you a new coffeemaker?

253. Fifteen bucks.

254. Fifteen bucks?

255. Last time, you only charged me ten.

256. The time before that, you charged me 20.

257. And both times, they looked like

258. the same coffeemaker.

259. What are you doing?

260. What? I'm just trying

261. to make a little extra money on the side.

262. Your job here is unloading papers,

263. not selling stolen coffee pots.

264. It's not stolen, it's recovered.

265. Yeah.

266. And if you stop recovering them from me,

267. I could stop recovering them for you.

268. When you're with me,

269. you got one job: unloading papers.

270. I'm not trying to hurt nobody, man.

271. We're all in this together.

272. It's the business cycle.

273. If he can't sell coffee, you can't sell papers,

274. next thing you know, we're all out of a job.

275. Twelve bucks!

276. This time, I want the coffeemaker, I want a pistol,

277. and I want some No-Doze.

278. Go get the coffeemaker.

279. While Risky was doing the soft sell,

280. Tonya was taking a hard line.

281. Hey, Drew.

282. What?

283. My shoe's untied.

284. So what?

285. So tie it.

286. I'm not tying your shoe. You tie it.

287. Nah, that's okay.

288. Maybe I'll just wait till Daddy gets home

289. and I'll ask him if he wants to tie it.

290. Okay, I'll tie it.

291. Put it in a bow.

292. Thank you.

293. It's a good thing she can't read minds.

294. Just because my grandmother was better at teaching math,

295. didn't mean I was any better at learning it.

296. You're doing that wrong.

297. What do you mean?

298. Chris, are you paying attention?

299. I thought I was.

300. Pizza is not the only thing

301. you won't be getting if you don't pass this class.

302. What? You want to grow up to be a toll booth operator?

303. I did, but E-ZPass took all the jobs.

304. What am I gonna have to do to get you to understand this?

305. How much longer do we have to work?

306. Now, why do you ask?

307. 'Cause the Mets are about to play.

308. Oh, so you like baseball, huh?

309. What's all this?

310. Ah, well, I figured while you sell the newspapers,

311. I open up a whole new customer base.

312. How about I open up your skull with a tire iron?

313. I can't drive around with a truck full of stolen goods.

314. Uh-uh! I'm not a thief.

315. I'm a wholesaler.

316. Cut out the middle man.

317. How about you cut out the bail man?

318. 'Cause that's what we're gonna need.

319. Have you ever known me to be

320. in trouble with the law? Come on, now.

321. Have you ever known me to sell radios

322. out the back of a paper truck?

323. I'm sorry.

324. Look, let me just move this stuff today,

325. and after that, it'll be newspapers and only newspapers.

326. One day.

327. And that's it.

328. Thank you.

329. How much for this?

330. Back home, my mother was looking at my test,

331. and she didn't like the score.

332. "X" over "2Y", over square root...

333. I know I showed him how to do this right.

334. Meanwhile, I was finally getting

335. into the swing of things.

336. Okay, Chris, in yesterday's game,

337. Darryl Strawberry batted.500 with six at bats.

338. How many hits did he get?

339. Okay, "A" equals the number of at bats,

340. which is six.

341. And "B" equals the batting average.

342. Which is? .500.

343. And.500 equals "H",

344. which is the number of hits over six.

345. So if you multiply both sides of the equation by six,

346. you will see that the number of hits is...

347. three.

348. That's right.

349. You got three in a row!

350. Can we do another one?

351. Okay, you work out another one.

352. Get this door...

353. Rochelle?

354. Mama, I need your help.

355. Chris?

356. Ma?

357. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion

358. of As The Ghetto Turns.

359. When my mother found out

360. I was going behind her back for tutoring,

361. she was her usual understanding self.

362. Chris, how come you just didn't say something

363. instead of sneaking around?

364. I mean, what else are you learning on the side?

365. English History?

366. Where does it stop?

367. One day, she caught me speaking Latin

368. and kicked me out of the house.

369. I'm sorry, Ma.

370. I just needed to get some help.

371. Oh, so I just rassled you to the ground

372. and stopped you from learning?

373. Rochelle, all you did was holler at the boy.

374. My mother was hollering at her boy

375. long before it was cool to holla at your boy.

376. Is that what you told her?

377. He didn't have to tell me, Rochelle, I know you.

378. You are impatient.

379. You couldn't teach a rock

380. how to hit the ground if you dropped it.

381. Now, all you got to do is fall straight down.

382. Ow!

383. Didn't I tell you to hit the ground?

384. Are you saying I don't know how to raise my children?

385. See, that's another thing: you don't listen.

386. Well, if he just did what I said,

387. we wouldn't have a problem!

388. I did what you said.

389. That's why we're here.

390. Did you hear what I said?

391. Better yet, do you hear yourself?

392. So, Mama, are you telling me

393. I don't know what I'm doing? Yes.

394. Don't ask me, ask him.

395. I'll tell her, and you tell everyone

396. my last words were "Thanks a lot, Grandma."

397. So you're just gonna stand there, look me in my face

398. and tell me I didn't help you,

399. not one little teeny, tiny little bit.

400. Yes! No.

401. No? Yes?

402. Oh.

403. Okay, well, I'm gonna take my little behind home.

404. I had reached the end of my rope,

405. and Risky had reached the end of the road.

406. Hey, Julius.

407. Man, where's your uniform?

408. Yeah, I got to talk to you about that.

409. Man, look, I told you, we're not selling your stuff out here.

410. Uh...

411. I'm not going out with you.

412. I'm gonna have to quit.

413. Quit? Man, we got work to do!

414. You can't just up and quit every time you don't like something.

415. It works for Terrell Owens.

416. This ain't my thing.

417. I'm a businessman.

418. You can't compete with these crackheads around here.

419. You told me that.

420. Yeah, I know, I know.

421. Well, what you gonna do?

422. Get off the streets.

423. Open up a storefront.

424. Go legit.

425. A business? Yeah.

426. You? Yeah!

427. That's kind of risky, ain't it?

428. Yeah.

429. What's in the box?

430. This is that new stereo you were looking at.

431. My way of saying thanks.

432. I appreciate it.

433. Ah, stop, man, stop.

434. It's $20.

435. What?

436. It was $50.

437. Back home, Tonya was continuing

438. to undo the work of Abraham Lincoln.

439. Drew, hand me the remote.

440. No.

441. I'm sick of you.

442. You get it.

443. Daddy!

444. Go ahead, call him.

445. What are you gonna tell him, that I broke his chair?

446. Yep.

447. But you told him you did it.

448. So if you tell him I did it, I'm gonna tell Mama you lied on me.

449. And you're gonna have to tell her either you lied this time

450. or you lied that time.

451. And either way, you lied.

452. So if I get a beating from him,

453. you're gonna get a beating from her.

454. So you want to tell or you want to get up and get that remote?

455. Drew stamped Tonya's blackmail "Return to sender."

456. What is it?

457. Never mind.

458. Oh, and, uh, while you're up,

459. make sure you get me some popcorn.

460. One standoff down, one to go.

461. Ma

462. I'm fine.

463. You're not mad?

464. No. Why would you think that?

465. Because those mashed potatoes just started bleeding.

466. You know I didn't mean to upset you.

467. Who's upset?

468. I'm not upset.

469. You want to learn algebra with your grandma,

470. that's fine by me. It is?

471. No, it's not.

472. Why would you go running to her instead of me?

473. What was wrong with the way I was teaching you?

474. Everything. Nothing.

475. Something.

476. It's just that the way

477. you were teaching me, I couldn't get it.

478. Well, I was doing the best I could.

479. I know, and that's okay.

480. Because there's a lot of other things I learn from you.

481. Yeah?

482. Yeah, like, uh,

483. don't put plaids and stripes together.

484. And don't leave fake leather on the radiator,

485. 'cause it'll melt.

486. And don't answer the phone past 7:00,

487. because it's probably a bill collector.

488. The advice about white girls was priceless.

489. I'm sorry, baby.

490. I just wanted to be the one to help you.

491. How's everything going?

492. Better.

493. Mm-mm, better's not good enough.

494. We're calling your grandma.

495. My mother hated to ask my grandmother for help.

496. So I knew I had a choice: learn or die.

497. Okay, "10N" equals 40.

498. "N" equals four.

499. Huh.

500. Nine plus "9X" equals nine.

501. "X" equals zero.

502. Okay.

503. 144 equals minus 12

504. times "X" plus five.

505. Minus 17.

506. Oh! Good job, baby.

507. "3N"

508. minus five equals

509. negative-eight times six

510. plus "5N".

511. "N" equals negative one.

512. Oh!

513. Look like somebody gonna get some pizza!

514. If all studying were rewarded with pizza,

515. then Charles Barkley would've won a Nobel Prize.

516. We waited for the results of the test.

517. But I knew for sure that I had

518. knocked it out of the park.

519. Chris, you got every single answer wrong.

520. What?

521. Because of you, we don't get pizza.

522. Calm down, everybody!

523. Guys! Nice going, mud bone.

524. Wait, how could I get every single one wrong?

525. There must be some mistake.

526. There was.

527. Unfortunately, you made it.

528. You answered question one on line two.

529. Subsequently, all the answers that followed were wrong.

530. Isn't that how Bush got elected?

531. If you hadn't done that, you would've scored 100.

532. But you did, so you didn't.

533. This where the pizzas go?

534. Oh.