1. Everybody Hates Chris #042
"Everybody Hates Dirty
Jokes" CLOSED CAPTIONED
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2. Ever since I was a kid,
I always loved comedy.
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3. I loved cartoons.
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4. I loved sitcoms.
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5. Sunday's supposed to be my day
of rest, you know.
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6. But most of all,
I loved stand-up comedians.
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7. Michael Jackson kept his
sunglasses on.
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8. He had to— Cyndi Lauper
kept shining in his eyes.
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9. All right, y'all,
time to go to bed.
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10. Ma, can I stay up
and watch 'til the end?
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11. It's almost over.
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12. All right.
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13. Drew and Tonya, go.
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14. Good night.
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15. And Prince didn't show up.
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16. He doesn't like to go anywhere
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17. where the cast
outnumbers his bodyguard.
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18. What I didn't know was that my
parents loved comedians, too.
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19. You knew it in your heart,
you haven't washed your hair.
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20. So one night,
the time was right,
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21. he asked her, he said,
"Honey, would you marry me?"
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22. She said "wooden eye?"
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23. I can't say what he just,
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24. but it was the first dirty joke
I had ever heard.
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25. "Geez, baby, what time
do you have to be home?"
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26. And it wasn't the last.
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27. She said "Christmas..."
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28. A lot of kids would get
in trouble sneaking out of bed
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29. trying to listen
to dirty jokes.
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30. I ended up getting a career.
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31. Captioning sponsored by CBS
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32. I risked a beating
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33. trying to hear one side
of that Redd Foxx album.
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34. Now I was risking my life
trying to hear the other side.
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35. Now, I know it was wrong
to sneak behind my parents back
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36. and listen to dirty records,
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37. but if listening to dirty
records was wrong,
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38. I don't wanna do right.
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39. When I was a kid,
during the depression...
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40. I mean we were poor.
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41. When Christmas time came,
if I hadn't been a boy
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42. I wouldn't have had nothing
to play with.
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43. I found out one thing in life,
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44. if you want people to laugh,
tell 'em a joke.
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45. Now, if you want them
to really laugh,
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46. tell 'em a dirty joke.
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47. Okay, and there was
one black sheep,
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48. and the chief said,
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49. "Okay, you don't tell on
me, I won't tell on you."
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50. All right, stop it, man, come
on, I can't take another one.
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51. No, no, no, no, wait,
I've got one more.
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52. Hold on.
No, no.
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53. I can't take it.
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54. Who is that?
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55. Redd Foxx.
From Sanford and Son?
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56. He's a comedian?
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57. Yeah, you big dummy!
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58. Yeah, I didn't know it either.
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59. My parents have like a bunch
of his albums.
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60. And they let you
listen to that?
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61. Not really.
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62. Still won't!
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63. Hey, Buckwheat.
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64. Alfalfa. What's so funny?
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65. Uh, I was just telling
a stupid joke.
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66. Tell me.
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67. Nah, you wouldn't
really like it.
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68. Yeah, you won't like me smashing
your face in a locker.
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69. Now, tell me the joke.
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70. It's funny. Tell him.
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71. Okay.
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72. There's a missionary who went
to an African village...
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73. If you can make your worst
enemy laugh with a joke,
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74. that's a funny joke.
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75. and there was
one black sheep.
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76. And the chief said,
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77. "Okay, you don't tell on me,
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78. I won't tell on you."
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79. That's real funny, Flip.
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80. Hey, guys,
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81. For the first time,
come here.
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82. I realized a good joke can stop
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83. a beat down.
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84. Too bad Reginald Denny
didn't know any jokes.
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85. All right,
so there's a missionary
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86. who lived in
an African village...
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87. Momma, what you
doing in here?
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88. I thought you might
need a hand with dinner.
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89. Since my grandfather
passed away
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90. my grandmother had a lot
of free time on her hands,
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91. and she was giving it
to my mother.
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92. Baby, that's not
the way to do that.
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93. But I do it this way
all the time.
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94. Yeah, but the way
you do it is wrong.
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95. Go ahead sit down,
I'll do it.
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96. Go ahead, I'll do it.
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97. The only thing
my mother hated worse
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98. than no help
was help from my grandmother.
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99. Okay.
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100. Dinner is served.
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101. Ooh, um...
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102. I can't eat this.
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103. My gout will flair up.
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104. Oh, don't worry.
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105. That's oven-fried chicken.
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106. I used skim milk
in your macaroni,
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107. that's a baked
potato and salad.
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108. So, you go ahead, eat up,
you'll be just fine.
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109. Wow, Momma never did
all that stuff.
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110. Shh!
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111. Where's Momma anyway?
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112. Hey, baby,
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113. you wanna sit down and
have something to eat?
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114. Mm, I'm fine.
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115. Grandma made oven-fried chicken.
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116. Oh, really?
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117. That's nice.
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118. Well, I'm gonna finish
the laundry.
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119. It's finished.
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120. Then I'll go
straighten up
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121. the kids' room.
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122. Oh, they're
straightened.
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123. Uh-oh.
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124. Then I guess I'll go do my toes.
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125. They're done.
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126. When did you do my toes?
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127. While you were asleep.
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128. I didn't want to wake you.
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129. That look means,
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130. "If you do something else,
you're finished."
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131. Here comes your
girlfriend, Drew.
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132. Girlfriend?
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133. I don't like her.
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134. Well, she likes you.
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135. And she's going around telling
everybody that you kissed her.
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136. Wait, Tonya...
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137. Just about every girl
in the neighborhood liked Drew,
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138. and Chantal was just about
the only girl Drew didn't like.
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139. Hey, Drew.
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140. What you doing?
Uh, nothing.
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141. I was just about to go
back in the house.
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142. Oh... you coming
back out?
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143. Ah, I don't think so.
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144. Oh, you gonna be out
tomorrow after school?
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145. I don't know.
I may have to stay in.
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146. Oh.
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147. Well, maybe I'll
see you later.
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148. Yeah, maybe.
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149. While Drew was trying
to make a clean break,
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150. I was getting down and dirty
with my new jokes.
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151. I told the one about the guy
who got bitten by the snake...
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152. So the doctor said make two cuts
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153. where your friend was bitten
by the snake
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154. and suck out the poison out.
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155. So the guy gets back
to his friend,
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156. the friend said,
"Well, what did the doctor say?"
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157. "You're gonna die."
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158. I told one about the two guys
on the bridge...
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159. And so then the white guy said,
"Man, this water is cold."
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160. And the black guy said,
"Yeah, and it's deep, too."
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161. And I told the one about how
to become an honorary Eskimo.
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162. So, he was bleeding, and
his clothes were torn.
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163. So he walks in and says,
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164. "Now, where's the Eskimo woman
I'm supposed to kill?"
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165. Aw...
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166. Hey, little dude
from across the street, man,
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167. you're momma know you here
telling jokes like that?
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168. Nah.
Because if she did,
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169. she'd smack the smut out of me.
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170. Hey, hold up.
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171. Let me hold a dollar.
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172. You want one?
Yeah.
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173. For years I had tried
to be cool,
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174. but I had never felt cooler
than when I tried to be funny.
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175. While I kept the guys rolling
with laughter,
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176. my mother kept my father
from rolling into bed.
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177. What are you doing up?
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178. I can't sleep.
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179. "He can't sleep."
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180. I didn't do something,
did I?
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181. No, it's my mother.
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182. She's driving me crazy.
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183. Every time
I want to do something,
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184. either she's already done it
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185. or she doesn't like
the way I did it.
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186. Baby, she's just
trying to help.
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187. If you call her making me want
to knock her out "help,"
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188. she's doing fine.
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189. I mean,
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190. she's got a house.
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191. Why can't she go over there and
clean up after Michael?
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192. Because if she has to pick up
another one of his socks
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193. she's gonna strangle
him with it.
What?
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194. We were talking earlier.
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195. Rochelle, she's lonely.
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196. She told you that?
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197. No, but it's obvious
she misses your father.
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198. I think she's just trying
to keep herself busy.
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199. Well, I wish she would find
something else to do.
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200. Maybe she should go on a date.
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201. A date?
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202. My mother is almost 60.
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203. How would she look out there
trying to get a date?
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204. Like Bea Arthur
on The Golden Girls.
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205. Better than
she looks downstairs
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206. trying to cook
your dinner.
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207. Back at school,I learned
another valuable lesson.
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208. You could be funny
at the wrong time...
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209. And then the guy said,
"All right, fine.
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210. "Just as long as
you don't hit me
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211. in the back of the head
with that stick."
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212. What's going on
back there?
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213. Nothing.
Oh, really.
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214. So the whole class is giggling
up a storm over nothing at all?
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215. Caruso...
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216. It wasn't me.
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217. He's the one shucking
and jiving.
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218. I guess he's never going
to be in the mob.
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219. So, Mr. Funny Man,
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220. you're so funny,
why don't you make me laugh?
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221. I can't.
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222. Obviously you can.
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223. Everybody else is laughing.
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224. You told them a joke,
so you can tell me a joke?
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225. I don't think so.
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226. Oh, so now you're thinking?
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227. Well, I tell you what.
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228. You'll have plenty
of time to think
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229. when you're serving a day
in detention.
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230. Don't ask me
what I'm thinking right now.
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231. Since my grandmother was too
old to go out looking for men,
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232. my mother decided
to bring the men to her.
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233. Oh, hey, Mrs. Rochelle,
what can I do for you?
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234. Hey, Mr. Omar.
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235. Do you remember my mother,
Maxine?
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236. Yes.
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237. Husband died telling
a knock-knock joke.
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238. Tragic. Tragic.
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239. I was wondering
if you might know
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240. of any available men
around her age?
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241. Uh-oh,
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242. momma's got a brand
new bag, huh?
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243. Yeah, I think I might know
a few people.
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244. Come on in.
Okay, thanks.
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245. So, uh,
how is Mr. Julius?
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246. He's fine.
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247. Oh.
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248. Some guys want their sisters
to hook 'em up.
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249. Not Drew.
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250. Chantal called you.
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251. What?
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252. How'd she get our number?
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253. I gave it to her.
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254. What'd you do that for?
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255. Because she likes you.
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256. So? I don't like her.
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257. So?
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258. What do you mean "so"?
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259. I mean "so."
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260. Just because you don't like her
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261. doesn't mean she
don't like you.
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262. Drew hadn't learned that women
spoke a different language...
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263. Crazy.
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264. Meanwhile,
my mother was looking
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265. for a man to get back
her sanity.
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266. I have a question for you.
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267. Of course.
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268. Does your mom have a cellar,
a large freezer and a pension?
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269. Have you ever dated
a black woman before?
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270. Oh, yeah.
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271. There's nothing I love better
than a bad mamajama.
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272. I hope you're talking
about the song.
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273. Did Mr. Omar send you?
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274. No, your window was open.
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275. Can you hold this gun?
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276. Michael,
what are you doing here?
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277. Stopping a home wrecker.
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278. You trying
to break me and Momma up.
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279. It's time for her
to come home.
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280. I'm hungry.
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281. Hey.
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282. Hey, Mr. Omar.
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283. Yeah, so how did
the fellas work out?
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284. They didn't.
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285. Who's this?
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286. I'm Lester.
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287. You know, you're much younger
than I thought you would be.
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288. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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289. Slow down, lowdown.
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290. You're not coming to meet me.
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291. You're coming
to meet my mother.
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292. Well, if she looks
anything like you,
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293. this could work out.
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294. Calm down, Billy Dee,
she don't want your Colt 45.
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295. Well, if you talk
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296. to her like you talking to me...
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297. it just might.
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298. Where you been?
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299. I'm sorry I'm late.
I was in detention.
Detention?
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300. For what?
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301. I was telling
Redd Foxx jokes in class.
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302. Redd Foxx?
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303. As dirty as he is,
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304. I know your mother
didn't let you listen to that.
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305. Nope. I snuck and listened to it
while they were asleep.
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306. Oh, you got a little sneak
in you, huh?
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307. Yeah, I guess.
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308. You know, I used to write
jokes for some comedians
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309. back when.
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310. You did?
Mm-hmm.
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311. I got a joke or two on most
of these albums here.
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312. Really?
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313. Well, can I listen to them?
Sure.
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314. But some of this material
is a little blue.
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315. Blue?
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316. Yeah, filthy.
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317. So if you hear something
you ain't supposed to hear,
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318. turn it off.
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319. Don't be so strict, old man.
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320. I'm gonna make a slopper.
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321. You want one?
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322. Nah, I'm all right.
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323. "Moms Mabley?
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324. "Bill Cosby.
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325. George CarlinClass Clown"
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326. Yeah, there are 400,000 words
in the English language,
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327. and there are seven of them
you can't say on television.
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328. They must really be bad...
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329. "Seven Words You Can
Never Say On Television"?
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330. You know the seven, don't you,
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331. that you can't say
on television?
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332. Seven? I could
only think of three.
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333. What? Whoo!
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334. Ouch! Uh-huh!
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335. Whoa! Hey, now!
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336. Ho, ho, ho, ho!
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337. My vocabulary
just grew by four.
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338. Dirty jokes were one thing.
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339. Dirty words were
a whole new ballgame.
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340. Oh, my God.
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341. Where'd you hear that?
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342. George Carlin.
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343. That's comedy?
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344. I think it's funny.
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345. Well, I hate cursing.
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346. My father used to call my mother
number four all the time.
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347. Then she'd call him number five.
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348. And they'd go back
and forth like that.
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349. Five, four, two, one.
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350. Seven.
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351. Then they'd end up
on number three.
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352. Greg was an early adapter
of "too much information."
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353. Well, I don't want
to get in trouble,
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354. so don't tell anybody.
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355. It never occurred to me
that Greg wasn't
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356. the one I had to worry about.
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357. Don't tell anybody.
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358. Don't tell anybody.
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359. I liked it better
when you worked clean, man.
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360. You know, I feel that the use
of foul language degrades
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361. not only the listener
but the speaker as well.
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362. Caruso is the only guy I know
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363. who would beat things
out of you he wouldn't say.
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364. Just because my mother
found a man
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365. didn't mean my grandmother
wanted one.
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366. Rochelle, you know
I hate surprises.
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367. Momma, I think
you might like this one.
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368. Okay.
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369. What?
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370. Ta-dah!
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371. Momma, this
is Lester.
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372. Lester, this is
my mother Maxine.
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373. It's a pleasure to meet you.
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374. What is this?
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375. Mom, it's just dinner.
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376. I just thought you might
like to have a meal
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377. with somebody
besides us for a change.
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378. So, what, you just go out on
the street, get some man,
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379. bring him up here
to eat with me
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380. like I'm a
charity case?
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381. No, Momma, I didn't say that.
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382. Maxine, it's just
a friendly meal.
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383. That's what Robert Blake said.
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384. We are not friends.
I don't know you.
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385. And you sure don't know me.
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386. Well, I was thinking we
could get to know each other.
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387. Anybody ask you
what you think?
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388. Momma!
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389. Don't "Momma" me.
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390. I'm too old
for a blind date.
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391. Wouldn't say that
if it was Stevie Wonder.
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392. I don't know who
you're eating with,
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393. but you're not going
to eat with me.
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394. Momma...
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395. Just have a couple
of peas or something.
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396. Sorry?
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397. What about you?
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398. Would you care to eat?
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399. What?
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400. I came to eat.
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401. I don't care who I eat with.
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402. Might as well.
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403. My brother never asked me
for advice about girls
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404. and there was a good reason.
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405. What's wrong?
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406. Well, there's this girl.
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407. What about her?
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408. You know when
a girl likes you,
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409. but you just don't
like her back?
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410. Is he serious?
No, I don't.
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411. Well, how do you tell her
without hurting her feelings?
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412. I have no idea.
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413. I should probably just
tell her the truth, huh?
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414. I don't know.
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415. I should probably
tell her.
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416. Okay.
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417. Thanks.
Welcome.
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418. Why can't everything
be this easy?
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419. Ma, I can't believe you
treated that man like that.
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420. I can't believe you
treated me like a floozy
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421. looking to pick up some
strange man off the street.
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422. Well, Ma, ever
since Daddy died,
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423. I just worry about
you being lonely.
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424. I am not lonely.
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425. I love coming here, taking care
of you and your kids.
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426. But you're
driving me crazy.
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427. Ma, this
is my house.
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428. I like to do things my way.
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429. This family already
has one momma.
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430. We don't need two.
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431. Okay.
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432. I'll go.
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433. But Ma, I didn't
mean it like that.
Uh-uh, no, no.
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434. Hey, Chantal.
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435. Can I ask you a question?
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436. Yeah.
How come you don't like me?
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437. I don't know.
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438. I just don't.
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439. It's got to be something.
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440. Do you think I'm ugly?
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441. No.
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442. Do you think
I'm dumb?
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443. No.
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444. Then what is it?
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445. Just tell me the truth.
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446. You're too tall.
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447. Never stopped Danny DeVito.
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448. Hello.
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449. Are you stalking me?
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450. No.
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451. I just dropped by Mr. Omar's
for a moment to say hello.
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452. Oh, I'm sorry.
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453. Um...
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454. I'm sorry about what
happened last night.
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455. I didn't know that you had
no idea I was coming.
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456. My daughter did
the same thing to me.
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457. Where do they get
off doing that?
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458. If I wanted to meet
someone, I would.
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459. I-I... I know.
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460. My daughter had
so many women coming through
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461. it was like
a Miss America Pageant.
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462. She thinks
she's protecting me.
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463. I just wish
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464. she would get out of my house.
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465. The only way I can get
my son out of the house
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466. is to put dinner on the stoop.
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467. I'm so sorry
I was rude.
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468. I was just caught off guard.
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469. Ah, don't worry
about it.
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470. It was just nice to meet you.
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471. Well, very nice
meeting you, too.
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472. Uh, Maxine.
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473. Would you mind if we had
a cup of coffee sometime?
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474. Coffee?
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475. I guess.
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476. How about now?
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477. Oh, well, that
would be nice.
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478. Don't try
anything funny.
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479. I have mace and a whistle
in my purse.
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480. He's got a gun.
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481. Do you know what
you've started?
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482. What?
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483. Every kid in this
school is swearing
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484. like a drunken sailor.
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485. It's out of control.
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486. Well, I told them
not to tell anybody.
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487. You told everybody.
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488. It's not like I said it
in class or anything.
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489. Didn't mean
somebody else didn't.
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490. Young man...
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491. I want a word with you.
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492. In fact, I want
seven words with you.
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493. Number one had hit the fan.
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494. Suspended?
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495. For talking in class?
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496. What did you say?
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497. Well, it's a routine called
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498. "The Seven Words You Can
Never Say On Television."
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499. Well, what are they?
I can't say them.
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500. We're on television, woman!
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501. Didn't you hear
the name of the bit?
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502. Boy, what are these words?
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503. Write them down.
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504. When I was writing
these words down,
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505. I realized they were
more silly than dirty.
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506. You said this?
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507. Look at this.
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508. I never even say this.
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509. Why would you
say this?
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510. I was trying to be funny.
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511. Oh, you're gonna feel
mighty funny when I beat the...
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512. number one out of you.
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513. Look, they're the seven words
you can't say on TV.
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514. Where does it say
you can say 'em
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515. in school?
And why would you think
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516. that something like this
is funny anyway?
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517. It's no worse than Redd Foxx.
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518. Where did you hear Redd Foxx?
Here.
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519. What do you mean "here"?
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520. A few nights ago,
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521. y'all were playing the records
and I heard it.
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522. Some parents would blame
themselves— not mine.
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523. Who is this anyway?
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524. George Carlin.
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525. George Carlin from Car Wash?
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526. Yeah.
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527. No wonder his part
in that movie was so small.
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528. If he'd have said anything else,
they wouldn't have been able
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529. to put it out.
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530. I'm sorry.
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531. Mm-mm-mm.
Chris,
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532. if you're interested in comedy,
that's fine,
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533. but some things are
not appropriate for your age.
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534. Just because we listen
to Redd Foxx
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535. don't mean you're supposed to.
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536. There's a reason why we
waited for you to go upstairs
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537. and fall asleep.
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538. You can't understand
comedy like this.
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539. I understood it.
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540. You understood which one?
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541. All of them.
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542. The one about the lady
with the funny lips?
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543. Yeah.
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544. The one about making sandwiches?
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545. Yeah.
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546. The one about
the black sheep?
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547. Yeah.
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548. The one about the Fukawi Indian?
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549. Yeah.
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550. Boy, where did you
learn all of this?
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551. I don't know;
I just picked it up.
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552. Chris, look, the point is:
this is not comedy for children.
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553. Next time I find out you're
telling these type of jokes,
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554. you're gonna get
more than suspended.
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555. You done?
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556. Yeah, why?
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557. 'Cause as far as
I'm concerned,
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558. this time is
next time.
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559. Number three...!
♪ Everybody hates Chris.
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