Everybody Hates Chris 2x11

1. Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the one thing my mother always said

2. was that we better not bring home any babies.

3. In fact, my mother was so paranoid,

4. she didn't like anything in the house

5. that even reminded her of a baby.

6. Boy!

7. Is that a baby?

8. No, it's a football.

9. Is that a baby?

10. No, it's a shoebox.

11. Oh.

12. Is that a baby?

13. No. It's baby carrots.

14. I was so scared of bringing home babies,

15. to this day my mother has never seen my kids.

16. Can anyone tell me what I'm holding?

17. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

18. Chris?

19. An egg?

20. No, Chris.

21. For the next week, this is not an egg.

22. These will be your children.

23. Each and every one of you will be paired

24. with a member of the opposite gender,

25. and the two of you will be the proud parents

26. of a brand new baby boy or girl.

27. Make my baby sunny-side up.

28. You'll have to care for the child,

29. and at the end of the week,

30. you'll give a report on your experience as parents.

31. When you say "care for the egg..."

32. Uh— you mean the baby.

33. The baby. How do you mean?

34. You have to treat your egg like it's a real baby.

35. They were a lot more advanced on this subject

36. in my old school.

37. So the assignment is to treat your egg

38. like it's a real baby.

39. Do we have to do this?

40. You have to name it, feed it,

41. watch it at all times, and plan its future.

42. What if we break it?

43. This is worth 25% of your grade,

44. so if you crack, break, lose or eat your baby,

45. it's an automatic F.

46. Okay, but if our egg misbehaves, can we beat it?

47. What's CJH?

48. Is that my egg's initials?

49. No, that's my Corleone Junior High stamp,

50. so I'll know you don't switch eggs.

51. Now, look inside your baskets and you'll see

52. see the name of your partner for the week.

53. Chris, we have an uneven number of boys and girls,

54. so I thought I'd make you a single father.

55. I know it's something you can relate to

56. with your childhood and all.

57. I have a father.

58. Oh, I know, Chris.

59. If only your mom knew his name.

60. Just so you

61. embrace this project to the fullest,

62. I brought something special for you.

63. If it's my baby's mama, I hope she doesn't have feathers,

64. A brown egg?

65. They're all the same... on the inside.

66. Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

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69. Instead of caring about my egg,

70. I was cooking up a scheme.

71. I think I'm gonna boil it.

72. That way it won't break.

73. You'd boil your child?

74. Man, you're taking this way too seriously.

75. I think this project is great.

76. It's just like life.

77. I've been taking care of my brother and sister for years.

78. So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take this thing home.

79. I'm gonna put it in the refrigerator,

80. and then when Friday comes,

81. all I have to do is tell the class

82. the same thing I've been doing for the past 13 years.

83. Which is, "Get a job!"

84. Chris, your egg!

85. Am I going to have to call

86. Child Protective Services on you?

87. At least I didn't dangle

88. my egg over a balcony

89. like Michael Jackson.

90. Are you ready? Yeah.

91. I am so in there.

92. What are you watching?

93. Just a movie.

94. Every kid has fears growing up.

95. Drew used to be scared of spiders.

96. I used to be scared of the opening credits to Perry Mason.

97. Tonya used to be scared of clowns.

98. But that all changed when she saw this— The Wolfman.

99. It's just a werewolf.

100. No! No, no, no!

101. It might just be a werewolf,

102. but to Drew it was also an opportunity.

103. This can't be right.

104. That's what he said when I was born.

105. What's wrong?

106. Have you been using more power?

107. This electric bill is $25.83 more than usual.

108. How am I supposed to know how much power I'm using?

109. Well, you take the amount of time you use an appliance

110. and divide the required wattage to power it

111. by the current cost of kilowatt hours.

112. Am I supposed to do that before or after I file for divorce?

113. Kilowatts.

114. My mom thought "kilowatts" was a riot in the '60s.

115. Ah. There are the eggs.

116. See? That's what's running the bill up.

117. You just used 11 cents' worth of electricity.

118. Why can't you figure out what's

119. in the refrigerator before you open it?

120. Because I can't see through the door.

121. Pass me a fork, please.

122. Thank you.

123. Oh... a brown egg.

124. Stop! Ah! What?

125. That egg is my school project.

126. What are you talking about?

127. The egg is my baby.

128. I'm supposed to take care of it for a week

129. and then give a report on what it's like to be a father.

130. So what's it doing in my refrigerator?

131. Just chillin'.

132. You're not funny.

133. I'm just gonna leave it in there until it was time

134. to turn it in and give the report.

135. I already know what I'm gonna say.

136. It's an easy "A."

137. An easy "A"?

138. So you think that taking care of a baby is easy?

139. No, but it's not a baby.

140. It's an egg.

141. But your assignment is to take care of this egg

142. as if it were a baby.

143. Do you think I left you in the refrigerator

144. whenever I had something else to do?

145. Is it bad?

146. Not if you got a thousand dollars.

147. Ain't that right, baby?

148. Break time, baby.

149. Break time.

150. You are gonna do this assignment,

151. and you're gonna do it right.

152. Damn!

153. I have an announcement to make.

154. We have a new addition to the family.

155. What? You having a baby?

156. He ain't sleeping in my room.

157. I'm not having a baby.

158. Chris did.

159. I thought you said if we bring home a baby,

160. you'd slap the Similac out of us.

161. It's not a real baby; it's an egg.

162. It's Chris's new school project.

163. Oh, cool. So what's the baby's name?

164. I didn't really name it.

165. Can we call him Junebug?

166. Junebug?

167. What kind of name is Junebug?

168. It's better than what I was thinking of—

169. The Incredible Edible Baby.

170. I'm going to show you just how hard it is to raise a baby,

171. and if any of y'all catch Chris

172. mistreating this child, you better let me know,

173. 'cause if you do, you're gonna get a lot worse than an F.

174. Now let's eat.

175. Where you going?

176. I'm gonna go get ready to eat.

177. Uh-uh, no you're not.

178. Don't you hear that baby crying?

179. You feed him first, and then you eat.

180. Now get that screaming child out of here.

181. If this happened now, I'd try to get Madonna to adopt my egg.

182. Since the baby I brought home was just an egg,

183. my mother decided to make sure I got the full baby experience

184. so I didn't bring home a real one.

185. Chris, wake up. The baby's crying.

186. What's wrong?

187. You got to change his diaper.

188. Chris, wake up. The baby's crying.

189. What's wrong? He's hungry.

190. Chris? Huh?

191. The baby's crying.

192. Is it hungry? No.

193. Is it wet?

194. No. What's wrong with it?

195. He's got gas.

196. While I was trying to raise my baby,

197. my father was trying to lower the electric bill.

198. I was watching that.

199. I've seen it; Rosebud's his sled.

200. I was listening to that.

201. I've heard it; the baby's not his.

202. Got that right.

203. That's too low.

204. That's gonna take all night to cook.

205. You can eat in the morning.

206. Combine breakfast and dinner.

207. Call it... brinner.

208. You have officially lost your mind.

209. What's that?

210. A picture— now you can figure out

211. what you want and where it is before you open the fridge.

212. Well, what about if I take something out?

213. Then you just cross the item off the picture.

214. I put Junebug in a paper bag,

215. because the only way I was going to be seen with an egg

216. was if it was with a side of bacon.

217. Hey!

218. Little dude from across the street.

219. Let me hold your bag.

220. No, man, you don't want this.

221. It's just an egg.

222. It's for a class project.

223. I'm supposed to act like it's my baby.

224. Oh, yeah? That's very inventive.

225. I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.

226. That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.

227. Listen, if you ever have any problems with child support,

228. come talk to me.

229. I can help you save some money.

230. It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.

231. You need to teach this boy how to protect himself.

232. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap!

233. Want me to show you how it works?

234. Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father,

235. and if the father should meet a tragic death,

236. the baby shouldn't be upset

237. if the mother makes friends with a nice man.

238. Omar, I need more bubbles!

239. Got to go.

240. Teach this baby the difference

241. between the knockoffs and the real thing.

242. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.

243. While I was trying to keep Junebug on the right track,

244. Greg had become a runaway train.

245. Dang, Junebug is driving me crazy.

246. I just can't wait till this thing is over.

247. You think you've got problems.

248. Me and Jennifer don't agree on a thing.

249. She thinks Chip should go to Yale.

250. I think he's a Harvard man.

251. And I think you're a crazy man.

252. And you're thinking about colleges?

253. I'm just trying to figure out

254. how to get a full night's sleep.

255. You built a crib?

256. Yeah, and I called you last night.

257. Yeah, like 50 times.

258. Greg, you're taking this way too seriously.

259. It's just 'cause I didn't want him to go to Yale.

260. And I don't care

261. how many cribs you build, he's not going to Harvard.

262. What? Nothing.

263. Chris.

264. While my mother decided to give me a break,

265. my father was making a break in his case.

266. Hey, hey, hey, what's the matter?

267. You turned the lights off.

268. Why are you sleeping with the light on?

269. 'Cause I'm scared of werewolves.

270. Werewolves

271. Drew told me when the full moon comes out,

272. he's going to turn into a werewolf.

273. When did he tell you this?

274. Last month.

275. Doc was out of town,

276. so he left his nephew Monk to watch the store.

277. I'm closing at 1900 hours, so keep sweeping

278. and finish stocking the shelves.

279. 1900 hours?

280. 7:00, boy— don't your parents teach you anything?

281. Monk had been part of a famous failed

282. military operation in the early '80s

283. and was very suspicious of authority.

284. Watch the closing doors.

285. Now, why should I believe these doors are going to close?

286. Because you said so?

287. Well, what if they don't?

288. Then what?

289. Are you gonna issue me a public apology?

290. Do I get to hire me a new elevator operator?

291. And what about all the other men and women that died

292. because of these supposedly

293. What you got in this bag, boy?

294. What kind of rations you got?

295. Careful!

296. It's not lunch.

297. It's an egg.

298. Hey, man, what's that,

299. a booby trap or something, man?

300. You trying to kill me? They must have sent you to kill me,

301. didn't they?

302. You been ordered by my commanding officers, huh?

303. No, it's my class project.

304. I'm supposed to take care of it like it's a baby for a week.

305. And if anything happens to it, I get an "F."

306. What you mean, "If anything happens"?

307. I'll tell you what happens.

308. Try landing a helicopter at night

309. in the middle of a sandstorm in the Iranian desert.

310. "If anything happens."

311. What if they don't tell you there's a sandstorm, huh?

312. "If anything happens."

313. What about if your commanding officer

314. doesn't tell you. that you're going to be taking fire

315. from the left or to the right

316. or there's even going to be a sandstorm?

317. "If anything happens."

318. It's because you're commanding officer sent you

319. on a mission that he knew was going to fail!

320. "If anything happens."

321. Boy, if all you got to do is take that egg

322. and carry that egg around for one week and keep it alive?

323. Boy, you don't know how good you got it.

324. "If anything happens."

325. "If anything happens."

326. What you talking about, Monk?

327. Sure do hope you're right.

328. While my mother made sure I didn't take my mind

329. or my eye off of Junebug,

330. She didn't count on one thing: a ladybug.

331. Hey, Chris, can you help me carry some of my bags home?

332. Uh, Monk, can I help her carry some of her bags home?

333. Go ahead.

334. Thanks.

335. Boy, where have you been?

336. You've been gone for almost an hour.

337. I thought you went AWOL.

338. How far does that girl live? Just up the block.

339. Oh, all right.

340. Well, here, got another package for you.

341. Take this to Miss Perkins.

342. Hey, where's Junebug?

343. What'd you say?

344. Boy, Junebug?

345. How did you know about Junebug?

346. That's supposed to be a black op.

347. Black op?

348. Junebug is the name of my egg.

349. Oh.

350. It was sitting right here.

351. I don't know; I've been packing bags all day.

352. That thing could be anywhere.

353. Oh, man!

354. Junebug was the first egg

355. to ever end up on a milk carton.

356. Until I could find my egg, I had to make sure my mother

357. didn't find out and crack my skull.

358. If I actually worked that hard in class,

359. I might have gone to college.

360. I might have had a new egg,

361. but my mother was her same old suspicious.

362. Chris, you haven't let that egg out of your sight, have you?

363. No, ma'am. I take it everywhere I go.

364. Found out why that electric bill

365. was $25-a-day, three cents more than usual.

366. Really? Tonya's been sleeping

367. with the light on at night.

368. Girl, you know you're not scared of the dark.

369. No, but I'm scared of werewolves.

370. What wolves?

371. Werewolves.

372. Drew told me he was going to turn into one.

373. She's been sleeping with the light on for the last month.

374. There's no such thing as werewolves, stupid.

375. Yes, there are.

376. In ancient folklore, a werewolf is a man who turns into a wolf

377. because he's been bitten by another werewolf.

378. It happens over a full moon.

379. Boy, did you tell her that?

380. What?

381. I said, did you tell her that?

382. I was just playing.

383. Oh, there's about to be a full moon.

384. Get your behind upstairs.

385. Chris, cover your egg's ears.

386. Dang, Tonya.

387. Now!

388. How many times do I have to tell you?

389. Stop telling your sister all that foolishness!

390. Pass the biscuits. And go get my belt.

391. Good thing it was Drew getting a beating

392. and not my egg.

393. You're overbearing and clingy.

394. If you keep it up, you're going to be a single father, too.

395. 20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.

396. This project sucks.

397. I know.

398. Listen, I got to tell you something.

399. Last time I heard that, my mom ran off with my uncle.

400. Greg, I lost my egg.

401. What? That's an automatic "F."

402. I know, I know, but I replaced it.

403. Just let me know if it looks like the real thing.

404. Wow, you did this?

405. Yeah. What do you think?

406. I think you're going to fail.

407. Your stamp's upside down.

408. Before Buffy slayed vampires,

409. Tonya tried to whack a werewolf.

410. Tonya, what are you doing?

411. If you're a werewolf, the only way to kill you

412. is with a silver stake through your heart.

413. No, no, Tonya, I'm not a werewolf.

414. Werewolves are just make-believe.

415. It's a full moon, Drew, don't play with me.

416. Are you a werewolf?

417. No, Tonya, I promise. I'm not a werewolf.

418. Please don't kill me.

419. Is that a hair growing through your arm?

420. No, no, no, it's not. No, I swear.

421. Are you lying? I'm not a werewolf,

422. Tonya, please. You better not be.

423. Drew wouldn't be this scared again until Tonya's birthday

424. when she asked for silver bullets.

425. This just doesn't make sense.

426. On my count, we're missing an egg.

427. I don't know, baby, maybe we ate it.

428. Hey, sweetie.

429. You ready for your big report?

430. No, I was ready to have egg on my face.

431. I lost my egg.

432. Oh. That's not your egg?

433. No, this is the one I took from the refrigerator

434. when I lost the other one.

435. Wait a minute.

436. You got me here like Columbo trying to figure

437. how my food is disappearing,

438. and it's right there in your hand?

439. I was scared to tell you what happened.

440. I didn't want you to get mad.

441. See, Chris? That's my point.

442. If your real child was missing, would you hide it from me?

443. Yes. No.

444. Would you steal a white kid and paint him brown?

445. Yes. No, sir.

446. See, you thinking about the wrong thing.

447. The hardest thing about being a father

448. is not learning how to care for somebody;

449. it's learning how to quit thinking so much about yourself.

450. You know, I can't

451. let you go to class with a fake egg.

452. But I'm going to get an "F."

453. No, you're not.

454. Junebug

455. Monk brought it over.

456. Apparently, when you weren't paying attention,

457. it got mixed in with another customer's groceries.

458. Well, why didn't you tell me you had it?

459. Why didn't you tell me you lost it?

460. Here.

461. And the next time you bring a baby in my house,

462. you better bring his mother, and she better be your wife.

463. What I thought would be an easy "A"

464. ended up being one of the hardest grades

465. I've ever earned.

466. You know, I made fun of you

467. for taking this project so seriously,

468. but I actually learned something.

469. Me, too: women are nuts and private school's expensive.

470. Yeah, I don't want to be father any time soon.

471. All right, class, take your seats

472. so we can get started.

473. I can't wait to hear all your reports.

474. Junebug!

475. Chris, why don't you start?