Everybody Hates Chris 2x10

1. Christmas in Bed-Stuy was a magical time.

2. There was snow, there were twinkling lights.

3. Something about the holidays brought out the best in people.

4. People in the neighborhood were more generous...

5. Merry Christmas, here's your scarf.

6. I threw in a free gift wrapping.

7. Here's your insulation.

8. Watch your step.

9. Happy holidays. Thank you.

10. They seemed more concerned about the needy...

11. I know you lost your man, Mrs. Roberts.

12. But with a body like that,

13. I know Santa's going to bring you another one.

14. And everyone had that Christmas spirit.

15. This Christmas tree— $5.00.

16. Hey, hey, hey! Give me that money!

17. Even if it belonged to somebody else.

18. Holiday cheer was going all around.

19. But there was something else going around the city—

20. the flu.

21. Ma, do we have to wear all this stuff?

22. Yes.

23. There's a bad strain of the flu going around

24. and I don't need anybody getting sick.

25. Feel like my throat is a little scratchy.

26. But we already got our flu shots.

27. You did, but Chris didn't.

28. Chris, I want you to meet me after school

29. so you can get yours.

30. But in the meantime,

31. I want you to stay away from other kids.

32. Don't touch anything,

33. don't even breathe unless you have to.

34. Now go. Go, go, go.

35. If it was up to my mother,

36. she would've sent me to school like this.

37. Looks like I should be selling subway tokens.

38. For me, this was going to be the best Christmas ever.

39. Because I was working at Doc's,

40. I could afford actual presents for my family,

41. not the crappy kind kids make.

42. A Play-Doh skillet.

43. You shouldn't have.

44. Papier-mâché work boots.

45. I love it.

46. What's this, a fruitcake?

47. No, it's a vegetable cake.

48. I ain't eating that.

49. In my neighborhood, we had layaway,

50. where you paid off $5.00 a week until you owned something.

51. It was like having a credit card and a hostage situation,

52. all rolled into one.

53. I was getting presents on layaway

54. and a shot to keep the flu away.

55. God, I hope they hurry up, so we can get inside

56. before they start reusing the needles.

57. Sorry about that.

58. You getting a flu shot, too?

59. Yeah. Make mine a double.

60. Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

61. ♪ Silent night

62. At school, the holiday brought out the school choir.

63. Ow.

64. Pull it together, Smokey.

65. I don't want to be here all day.

66. Okay, okay.

67. This time, sing it with feeling.

68. You're singing about an impoverished family,

69. living in the ghetto,

70. who gave birth to their firstborn child in a manger.

71. Chris, you can relate

72. to this, can't you?

73. Not really.

74. All right, give me a minute

75. and then we'll try it again.

76. You don't look so good.

77. Are you getting sick?

78. 'Cause you've got to be careful.

79. The flu's going around and it's no joke.

80. My father has it, and last night,

81. it sounded like he coughed up a lung. I can't get sick.

82. I need to work, so I can get my presents out of layaway.

83. This year, I went all out.

84. I got everybody something that they really wanted.

85. Like what?

86. A Billy Ocean tea set! Thanks, Chris.

87. A Wayne Gretzky hockey game! Thanks, Chris.

88. The Young and the Restless soundtrack

89. featuring "Nadia's Theme"?

90. Thanks, Chris.

91. Patti Labelle's "New Attitude" perfume?

92. Thank you, Chris.

93. Wow, that's a lot of stuff.

94. Sounds expensive.

95. It is; I got it from Goldstein's.

96. What?

97. Are you crazy?

98. I don't even shop there and I'm white.

99. Okay...

100. Well, I need to pay $35 before Christmas Eve

101. or else they're gonna sell it.

102. I'm warning you.

103. Bless you.

104. Oh, poor Chris.

105. Winters can be so tough when you can't afford heat.

106. I've got heat.

107. Okay, let's try it again.

108. Greg, would you start us off?

109. Rochelle!

110. Whenever Christmas came around,

111. my father always picked up extra work,

112. so he could afford presents.

113. Christmas tree?

114. No, thank you.

115. Hanukkah bush? No, thanks.

116. Kwanzaa stump?

117. What'd you call me, man?

118. Hey, uh, free trees, man.

119. They didn't always work out,

120. but he never stopped trying.

121. You're looking at Goldstein's

122. newest Santa Claus.

123. New Santa? What happened to the old Santa?

124. They just keep coming.

125. Lines and lines of children.

126. Thousands of them.

127. Where are they coming from?

128. Let me go!

129. All these kids. Mommy!

130. Look at the line! Let me go!

131. So, a black Santa, huh? Yeah!

132. He could tell them he's from the South Pole.

133. Drew and Tanya hadn't been on their best behavior all year,

134. so they decided to try to make up for it

135. by helping my mother during the holidays.

136. It was kind of like campaigning for gifts.

137. They helped with cleaning...

138. Move, boy.

139. They helped with cooking.

140. After this, I can take out the trash.

141. And I can help you with the dishes.

142. Okay.

143. They even tried to help with things

144. my mother didn't want help with.

145. You need any help?

146. No.

147. You sure?

148. No, boy!

149. Get away from the damn door.

150. Ooh, I want this.

151. Ooh, and I want this.

152. Hey.

153. What are you guys doing?

154. Nothing. Nothing.

155. You need any help?

156. No, I'm fine.

157. Well, if you need anything, just let us know.

158. She needs you to act like this in March.

159. So, Doc, what are you doing for the holidays?

160. Well, I'm not falling into that Christmas trap,

161. that's for sure.

162. What Christmas trap?

163. Commercializing Christmas.

164. People buyin' things they can't afford...

165. bein' broke before the year come in.

166. Uh-uh, not me.

167. So you don't celebrate Christmas?

168. Oh, I celebrate Christmas.

169. I love me some Christmas.

170. It's supposed to be Jesus' birthday.

171. So I say a prayer.

172. Happy birthday, Jesus.

173. And I have a piece of cake.

174. This year is seven-layer chocolate cake.

175. Boy, cover your mouth.

176. Stop sneezing on Jesus.

177. What's the matter, you sick?

178. No, I'm fine.

179. All right, then.

180. Here's your Christmas bonus.

181. Whoa, thanks, Doc.

182. There must be, like, $50 in here.

183. No, it's $75.

184. Now you can play video games till the cows come home.

185. Yeah, but what are these?

186. What, they're game tokens.

187. You didn't think I was giving you quarters, did you?

188. Yes.

189. No. Thanks, Doc.

190. Doc took the expression

191. "a token of my appreciation" literally.

192. Hey, Dad, you want some coffee?

193. Sure.

194. And some cream?

195. Just a little.

196. Wow, you guys are really

197. helping out a lot lately.

198. No problem. No problem.

199. Since I was strapped for cash,

200. I knew there was one thing I could ask my father for—

201. a J-O-B.

202. Oh, you look so cute.

203. I got him a job

204. taking pictures of me and the kids down at Goldstein's.

205. Oh! You look stupid.

206. You look stupid.

207. You look like an elf and you're not even wearing a costume.

208. Hey...

209. Mm!

210. You're not getting sick, are you?

211. Yes.

212. No. Just in case,

213. take some of that cough syrup before we leave.

214. Okay.

215. Ma, is there any more bacon?

216. Here.

217. Take that.

218. Hey, I was going to eat that.

219. When you get a job, I'll give it back.

220. That's called slave justice.

221. My mother thought Tanya and Drew's behavior

222. was too good to be true.

223. And she was right.

224. I knew it.

225. Knew what?

226. Drew and Tanya trying to pull something.

227. Look at this.

228. "Malibu Barbie dream house,

229. "Easy Bake Oven, Mm-hmm.

230. an electric train, samurai sword..."

231. They must think I'm Santa Claus for real.

232. That's what's wrong with kids nowadays.

233. Christmas comes, they don't think about giving.

234. All they can think about is getting.

235. Well, we can't afford this.

236. What are we going to do?

237. I'm going to ask Santa for some new kids.

238. He asked for that last year.

239. Chris!

240. Come on.

241. Okay.

242. I had to make sure I didn't get sick,

243. even if I had to drink cough syrup

244. like a rapper from Houston.

245. While my dad was trying to figure out what he could give,

246. the kids at Goldstein's were trying to figure out

247. what they could get.

248. So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?

249. A Malibu Barbie with a pink, remote-control Corvette,

250. the Barbie townhouse,

251. and the Barbie swimming pool.

252. Whoo! Do you know how much all that stuff costs?

253. No.

254. Well, Santa's going to tell you.

255. It costs $137.16.

256. Do you have that kind of money?

257. No.

258. Well, neither does Santa.

259. Welcome to my world, kid.

260. Merry Christmas.

261. Who's next?

262. All right.

263. Oh, look at this big guy!

264. Oh! There you go!

265. Now, what would you like Santa

266. to get you for Christmas?

267. I want an Easy Bake oven.

268. An electric train set.

269. I would like Hot Wheels.

270. A puppy.

271. Eyesight?

272. Hmm. That sounds expensive.

273. Do you know how much a puppy costs?

274. Does that come with a easy

275. Do you know they cost as much as a real car?

276. Now, how you going to pay for this eyesight?

277. Do you really want your parents to work themselves to the bone

278. just to get you a train set

279. you're going to quit playing with after a week?

280. What if this puppy grows up,

281. gets rabies, bites somebody...?

282. And you ain't going to be satisfied

283. with just one Hot Wheel.

284. No, you going to want the whole collection of 'em.

285. Can you afford a lawsuit?

286. Do you really want your daddy to take out a loan,

287. just so you can get some Hot Wheels?

288. You going to bankrupt your whole family

289. just so you can get a puppy?

290. If you're good,

291. Santa will send you a train token,

292. and you can take the subway downtown

293. and get a job for Christmas.

294. Mommy!

295. Merry Christmas.

296. Black Santa Claus caused more tears

297. than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

298. Remember what I told you.

299. Ho-ho-ho.

300. Chris, you okay?

301. Yeah. It's just 'cause this costume is really hot.

302. I'm starting to feel dizzy.

303. Julius, we got a problem.

304. You mean besides the fact that you got a black Santa

305. working in a white department store

306. called Goldstein's?

307. What's wrong?

308. You're not presenting the image

309. of Christmas that we're trying to promote,

310. here at Goldstein's.

311. Image

312. You're Santa Claus.

313. You're not supposed to make the children cry.

314. These kids need to learn the truth about life.

315. Uh... Dad?

316. Not now, Chris.

317. I'm sorry, uh... I just

318. don't feel like Goldstein's

319. is the right fit for you.

320. Dad, I really don't feel that well.

321. You're firing me at Christmastime?

322. That's the only time you can fire Santa.

323. Yes.

324. Fine.

325. Chris, come on.

326. Chris!

327. I don't know if he was more concerned

328. because I lost consciousness

329. or because I lost a half day's pay.

330. I checked out at the store and checked in to the hospital.

331. Walking pneumonia?

332. That doesn't sound that bad.

333. Well, it started as walking pneumonia.

334. Now, is this correct? The boy has two jobs?

335. Well... yeah, I mean...

336. Well, that's the problem.

337. He needs some rest.

338. Well, what should we do when we get him home?

339. Well, you should pick up the phone,

340. call an ambulance, and get them

341. to bring him back over here.

342. He's got a fever of 103,

343. he overdosed on cough syrup,

344. and he's delirious.

345. Delirious? Yes.

346. He keeps mumbling something

347. about getting the president out of layaway.

348. I'll be back to check on him.

349. Baby, well, you get some rest, okay?

350. Mommy's going to come back and check on you later. Okay?

351. All right, man...

352. Whoa! That's my 72 cents worth of sandwich!

353. He ain't going to eat it.

354. Put it back...

355. He's delirious. Put it back!

356. When they found out I was in the hospital,

357. Tonya and Drew were devastated.

358. Chris got sick.

359. Now we can't get anything for Christmas.

360. Man, we were good for nothing.

361. No, you were good because you were supposed to be good.

362. I mean, what if there were no Christmas?

363. Would you be running around here

364. starting forest fires?

365. No. No.

366. We can't even have one gift?

367. You live your whole life here for free. Mm-hmm.

368. Tonya, you get gifts every day.

369. Food is a gift. The heat is a gift.

370. Your shoes are a gift.

371. This house is a gift.

372. Those frames on the walls are a gift.

373. The magazines are a gift.

374. That ashtray is a gift.

375. This lampshade is a gift.

376. That chair is a gift.

377. This pillow is a gift.

378. The remote control is a gift.

379. The TV is a gift. This carpet

380. is a gift. The pink carpet

381. in your room is a gift.

382. Being able to cut out of this scene is a gift.

383. Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.

384. Hey, what's wrong with you?

385. What?

386. Hey, who are you?

387. I'm Kris.

388. I'm Chris.

389. Wow. What a small world, huh?

390. So what happened to you?

391. Well, I don't really know.

392. Last thing I remember, I was

393. in Goldstein's dressed as an elf.

394. Next thing I know, I'm in here.

395. Hey, that makes you one of Santa's helpers, huh?

396. Yeah. My dad was working as Santa, but he got fired.

397. Oh, that's too bad. Sorry.

398. But it really could be a lot worse.

399. And how's that?

400. He could be me.

401. I have rheumatoid arthritis.

402. I had a really nasty flareup.

403. Cold weather really kills me.

404. But, you know, stuff happens in life, you know.

405. Hey, you know, I was watching your family,

406. and you should know it's really a beautiful thing

407. how much they care about you.

408. You shouldn't forget that.

409. Well, I guess you're right.

410. I know I'm right.

411. Listen, why don't you get some sleep, kid, huh?

412. And merry Christmas.

413. Thanks.

414. You, too.

415. Merry Christmas.

416. Hey, man, what are you doing here?

417. Well, since it's Christmas Eve,

418. I wanted to give you your present.

419. But when I called your dad, he said you were here.

420. Here's your gift. It's baseball cards.

421. Baseball cards? Where did you get baseball cards

422. in the middle of winter?

423. The Venezuelan League.

424. It took a lot of doing.

425. By the way, if I were you, I wouldn't eat the gum.

426. Well, I don't have your gift. It's cool.

427. You can just double up on my birthday.

428. Deal! Two socks, it is!

429. Well, I got to go.

430. Go? But you just got here.

431. I got to go down to Rockefeller Center

432. and see the Christmas tree.

433. Then my mom's taking me ice skating with her boyfriend.

434. All right, well, have fun.

435. Yeah. Get well.

436. Thanks. Catch you later.

437. Well, this sucks.

438. Hey, what's your problem, man, huh?

439. Well, I hate being in this hospital!

440. I hate the fact that I'm sitting here,

441. and I'm sick!

442. And I also hate that I put some presents

443. on layaway to give to my family,

444. and now I can't give them to them.

445. Layaway? Layaway is your problem?

446. Are you kidding me?

447. You're thinking about layaway when there's

448. 300 patients in this hospital,

449. and four nurses, and three are out sick,

450. and one's out at lunch?

451. Layaway! You didn't see that family

452. that was attacked by 1,200 beavers, did you?

453. And that poor mother,

454. she came in here, they thought it was a fur coat,

455. and they kicked her out.

456. She had 1,200 beavers sucking her skin!

457. And you're worried about layaway?

458. What about the kid in the gang war?

459. He got shot. Nine toes got shot off!

460. Nine! He has one toe! One toe!

461. And they wouldn't even give him nail polish for the one toe.

462. Sad. There's a poor guy down there,

463. he lost both his legs.

464. They won't even give him any crutches,

465. 'cause he can't afford it and he has no insurance.

466. So you know what they gave him? A pogo stick.

467. You're worried about layaway.

468. See that kid downstairs?

469. They're going to make a movie of the week about this guy.

470. He got bit by 400 rats,

471. and they won't even give him a rabies shot.

472. They gave him a coloring book.

473. Let me tell you something, Chris.

474. I bet every patient in this hospital

475. would give their left arm if their only problem

476. was getting their gifts out of layaway.

477. After he said that, I started to think

478. about things you couldn't put on layaway.

479. You took out my kidney?

480. Yeah, but we got you a new kidney out of layaway!

481. Merry Christmas.

482. What happened to my leg?

483. We had to cut it off.

484. But we got you one out of layaway!

485. Merry Christmas!

486. Doctor, is my boy going to make it?

487. No. But we've got another one on layaway!

488. Bobby!

489. Merry Christmas!

490. Thank you.

491. The only thing worse than Christmas without my family

492. is having green Jell-O for breakfast.

493. Here you go.

494. Merry Christmas.

495. I hate green Jell-O.

496. Well, it's either this or ice chips,

497. so take your pick. Fine.

498. Hey, where's Kris?

499. Who?

500. The old white guy. He was in the bed.

501. There was no one in that bed.

502. Yes, there was.

503. I sat there, and I talked to him for two days.

504. I even played checkers with him.

505. Did you break into the pharmacy?

506. 'Cause if you're stealing drugs,

507. we'll kick you right out of here.

508. I didn't steal any drugs.

509. You're delirious.

510. Eat your Jell-O.

511. Hi, baby! Merry Christmas!

512. Hey, what are you guys doing here?

513. It's Christmas, stupid.

514. Well, you didn't think we'd want to leave you here

515. by yourself, did you?

516. Well, I didn't think you'd want to be here.

517. Without you, there would be no Christmas.

518. It'd just be a "s'mas."

519. It's okay, baby.

520. Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

521. Wow!

522. Hey! Where did you get all this stuff?

523. Yeah! I thought you got fired.

524. I did.

525. Well, baby, how did you pay for all of this?

526. Chris bought it.

527. He had it in layaway before he got sick.

528. I got it out for him.

529. Thank you, baby. That's so sweet.

530. Well, merry Christmas, y'all!

531. I thought this Christmas

532. was going to be one of the worst,

533. but it turned out to be one of the best,

534. 'cause I learned that you can't put love on layaway.

535. This is for you.

536. What's this?

537. A receipt. You owe me $35.

538. He's serious.