1. Everybody Hates Chris #024
Closed Captioned
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2. Keisha was the first girl
I ever really cared about.
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3. Even though she never
really cared about me.
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4. When I found out her family
was moving,
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5. I was sad to see her go.
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6. Hey, where y'all
moving to?
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7. We're going to this place
in California.
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8. It's supposed to be
really, really nice.
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9. Palm trees and lawns
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10. and no violence
and no crime.
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11. Well, what's it called?
Compton.
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12. I always wondered how that
worked out for them?
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13. Bust a cap in 'em!
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14. Get down, Keisha!
Get down, girl, get down!
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15. So do you
miss Keisha?
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16. Do you mean do I miss being
rejected, ignored
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17. and humiliated?
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18. Yeah, sort of.
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19. Why don't you just
hang out with
somebody else?
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20. I don't like
anyone else.
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21. And nobody else
liked me.
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22. Hey, who's that?
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23. That's just Yvette.
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24. She lives
around the corner.
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25. You know, she's
kind of cute.
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26. Man, you don't want
to mess with her.
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27. The first girl you ever like
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28. is always tough
to get over.
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29. She holds a special place
in your heart.
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30. So I decided to lower
my standards.
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31. I heard she'll go out
with anybody.
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32. Really?
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33. Now that's my kind of girl.
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34. Captioning sponsored by
CBS/Paramount
Network Television
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35. Since I didn't want to make
the same mistakes with Yvette
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36. that I made with Keisha,
I needed a different approach.
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37. What do you know about her?
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38. Nothing much. Just that she's
supposed to go out
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39. with a lot of different
types of guys.
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40. Perfect.
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41. You should do something simple.
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42. Something you haven't
tried before.
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43. I can't just walk up to her
and ask her out.
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44. Have you tried it?
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45. Not yet.
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46. The worst she can say is no.
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47. Okay then, let's try it.
Try what?
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48. You'll be Yvette
and I'll ask you out.
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49. Brokeback Hallway.
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50. Right here?
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51. It was your idea.
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52. You going to help me
or not?
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53. Fine. Hurry up.
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54. Hey, Yvette.
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55. So, you want to go out
with me sometime...?
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56. No, you skinny black bum.
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57. I thought the worst
you could say was no.
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58. I was improvising.
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59. Well, you know, since you're
making stuff up
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60. couldn't you have said yes?
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61. He wasn't my type anyway.
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62. We had only been living
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63. in Bed-Stuy for a year
when the crime rate
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64. started to go through the roof.
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65. In the late '90s,
they had the Internet boom,
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66. but in the '80s,
we had the crack boom.
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67. It used to take years
to become a junkie,
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68. but crack cut that down
to 37 minutes.
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69. Even on my block,
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70. things were starting
to get out of control.
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71. The muggers
were getting mugged.
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72. Let me hold a quarter.
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73. What's up, little man?
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74. Let me hold a
dollar right quick.
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75. I'll take that
quarter, too.
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76. But...
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77. Our new next door neighbor
was Louise Clarkson.
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78. She hated our neighborhood,
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79. and was intent
on doing something about it.
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80. Well, I can see
we're both very busy,
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81. so I'll just get
to the point.
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82. I'm starting a
neighborhood block watch.
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83. Why do we need
a block watch?
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84. In case you
haven't noticed,
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85. crime is running rampant
in this neighborhood.
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86. No, it's not.
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87. This block is fine.
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88. Burglaries are up,
assaults, murders.
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89. Is that fine?
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90. I don't know what block,
you've been on,
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91. but this block is okay,
but thank you for stopping by.
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92. Well, thank you.
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93. Uh, something on your teeth.
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94. I'll see myself out.
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95. Okay.
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96. Love the couch.
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97. Neighborhood block watch.
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98. My mother didn't want to accept
that things were getting worse
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99. until something happened to us.
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100. Rochelle!
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101. What? I'm in here.
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102. My truck got stolen!
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103. What? Oh, no!
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104. I could get fired for this.
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105. Well, baby, are you sure
it's stolen?
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106. Maybe you just forgot
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107. where you
parked it.
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108. Rochelle, it's not keys,
it's a truck.
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109. Even if I forgot
where I parked it,
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110. you can still see it,
'cause it's a truck!
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111. Well, don't get mad at me.
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112. You act like I stole it.
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113. That's it. I'm
starting a block watch.
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114. That sounds like a good idea.
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115. As soon as I finish this toe.
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116. My mother was a ghetto snob,
so to her,
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117. this wasn't just
a block watch meeting.
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118. It was a Rochelle watch
meeting.
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119. What's all this?
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120. Food for the block
watch meeting.
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121. You're supposed
to be watching the block,
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122. not feeding it.
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123. Julius, I can't
invite people over here
without feeding them.
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124. People in my neighborhood
never got together
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125. without bringing food.
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126. Oh, I am so sorry
you got run over by a truck.
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127. But I brought you some ribs.
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128. My baby! They
killed my baby.
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129. I'm sorry about your baby.
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130. Catfish?
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131. And besides, how do
you expect people
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132. to fight crime when
they're hungry?
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133. How do you expect me to
feed people when I'm broke?
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134. Huh
Um...
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135. You smell smoke?
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136. Asking Greg out was one thing,
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137. but Yvette was
a wholenother story.
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138. When you ask a girl out,
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139. you've got to have
your game together.
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140. Chris, look, a woman
got a lot of choices,
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141. so you got to show her something
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142. that separates you
from the other guys.
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143. Mm-hmm.
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144. Well, I've got the perfect thing
for you— Drakkar Noir.
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145. Drives the ladies wild.
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146. Four dollars.
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147. You can't sell that
in here.
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148. Why not?
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149. 'Cause I'll break
your other arm.
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150. Here, try this one.
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151. Yeah. That's just
five dollars.
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152. F... Five...?
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153. Oh, oh, here come
your lady, young blood.
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154. See you later, okay?
Okay.
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155. Um, you're
Yvette, right?
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156. I'm Chris.
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157. Hi. What's that smell?
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158. That's my cologne.
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159. That's nice.
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160. Thanks.
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161. Well, you know, I've seen
you around the block
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162. and thought you
were kind of cute.
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163. Thank you.
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164. So, I was wondering if maybe
you can go out this weekend?
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165. Go out?
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166. Yeah, to the movies
or something.
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167. You paying?
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168. I've seen that look before.
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169. It usually led to this.
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170. Wait. What do you want
to go and do this for
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171. Okay.
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172. I said this...
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173. All right, then.
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174. but I felt like this.
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175. The toughest part
about getting a block watch
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176. was finding people
who had stuff worth watching.
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177. All right, now, the
most important part
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178. of the Block
Watch program is
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179. communication.
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180. So if you see
anything, you have
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181. to file a report.
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182. Without information, not a
lot your local police can do.
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183. Okay, well, what type
of information?
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184. Like if you see somebody
stealing my couch, tell me.
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185. Excuse me.
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186. Translation—
"What you say, heifer?"
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187. Excuse me? Excuse you.
Who are you?
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188. Who are you?
Oh, girl,
that's Louise.
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189. She just moved in next d...
I beg your pardon.
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190. I'm sitting
right here.
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191. I'm Louise.
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192. I just moved in next door,
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193. and this was my idea.
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194. By the way, in my
old neighborhood,
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195. we didn't have
these problems.
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196. She told her.
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197. Where are you from?
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198. Queens.
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199. Oh, Queens.
Very lovely there.
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200. Mm-hmm.
Do you know the Jacobsons?
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201. The black Jacobs?
No the white ones.
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202. The ones with
the restaurant?
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203. Yeah.
I love that...
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204. Excuse me, can we talk about
this neighborhood, Brooklyn?
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205. All right.
Touchy.
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206. Now, what's
very important,
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207. also, in the Block
Watch program is,
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208. if you are away from your house
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209. for any extended period
of time...
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210. In Bed-Stuy, that's 12 minutes.
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211. you must alert
the other Block Watch members.
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212. And they will watch
your property.
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213. Correct.
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214. Nicely done.
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215. Like let's say
one of you is
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216. on your way
to Florida...
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217. Florida?
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218. The closest my family came
to Florida was watching
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219. Esther Rolle on Good Times.
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220. Now I get it.
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221. Then the rest of us
can watch out for their house.
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222. I'll take the
night shift.
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223. All right. Another
very important part
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224. of a Block Watch program is...
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225. awareness, huh?
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226. And that's why
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227. you have these.
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228. These are stickers, and these
are gonna go in your window.
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229. These stickers will be seen
by the offenders,
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230. and then they will be
less likely to offend.
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231. You mean steal?
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232. Correct. Nicely done.
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233. Well, why she
get a button...?
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234. Stickers? You think
that's gonna keep people
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235. from coming into the house
and hitting me over the head,
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236. 'cause I got a sticker
in the window?
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237. If she wasn't so damn evil,
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238. nobody would be trying
to hit her over the head.
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239. Excuse me?
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240. You're excused.
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241. All right, now,
you need to elect
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242. a Block Watch captain.
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243. Okay. All right.
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244. I think I should be the
Block Watch captain.
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245. And why is that?
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246. Well, because I'm the only one
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247. on the block who
doesn't need watching.
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248. No. It was my husband's truck
that got stolen.
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249. Yes, well, if
you had done
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250. what I asked you to do, which
was start the neighborhood...
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251. See, the problem is, you're new
to the neighborhood, okay?
All right, okay...
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252. So, I don't know
how they do it in Queens...
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253. You're just serving...
but we do it in...
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254. Whoa, ladies,
ladies, ladies,
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255. ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies...
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256. Mm-hmm.
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257. Let's put it to a vote.
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258. Please.
Okay.
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259. Who made the pie?
I did.
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260. I nominate Rochelle to be
the first Block Watch captain.
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261. Uh-uh, no. You cannot nominate
because she made some pie.
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262. It's some good pie.
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263. Shut up.
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264. All right, all in favor?
You like my pie?
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265. Aye.
The ayes have it.
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266. I came up
with this idea.
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267. I don't see why I am not
the Block Watch captain.
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268. Because we voted,
and the pie lady won.
Okay, fine.
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269. Now when you all come
home to your apartments,
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270. and there's nothing there
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271. except a pie, we all
know who to talk to—
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272. the Block Watch
captain, and we'll say,
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273. "Where were you,
Block Watch Captain?"
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274. She'll say, "I've
been making pie."
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275. I do not talk like that.
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276. Okay, okay,
any questions, any questions?
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277. I have one.
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278. So, what type of places
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279. would you consider
to be the most vulnerable?
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280. Like, say an offender
was gonna break into
somebody's house.
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281. Who would be
the best victim?
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282. That's a very good question.
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283. No, it's not.
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284. You just break into a house
where nobody's home.
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285. That's right.
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286. Cool.
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287. I got to go.
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288. Oh!
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289. With a four second head start,
Jerome stole four stereos.
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290. My mother wasn't the only one
helping out the community.
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291. At school, Drew volunteered
to be a Patrol Boy,
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292. which is just a fancy name
for crossing guard.
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293. Okay, go.
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294. Hey, Drew, can you
help me cross?
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295. Sure.
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296. Thanks, Drew.
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297. If this had been me,
here's how it would have gone.
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298. Because I was going on a date
for the first time,
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299. everyone had
a helpful suggestion.
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300. Be sure to compliment her
on her shoes.
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301. Girls like that.
Shoes, right.
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302. Tell her you got a job.
Girls like that more.
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303. Job, I got it.
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304. And hold a piece of gum under
your tongue and let it soak
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305. so your breath won't stink.
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306. Okay, gum.
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307. Oh, yeah, and if the movie
is sad, don't cry.
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308. She'll think you're a punk.
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309. It's Footloose.
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310. I ain't gonna cry.
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311. Oh, baby, have a good time.
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312. But not too good a time,
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313. 'cause you know I'm not raising
no babies.
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314. Enjoy yourself.
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315. This is half off on a soda
and box of Jujubes.
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316. Thanks.
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317. Oh, what the hell.
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318. Here's a coupon
for a free box of popcorn.
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319. The last time my father
gave man an extra coupon
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320. was when I gave him
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321. a get-one coupon,
get-one-coupon-free coupon.
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322. Have a good time.
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323. You look good, man.
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324. That's my boy.
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325. Standing there waiting
for Yvette
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326. was one of the best feelings
I'd had.
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327. But after 15 minutes,
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328. I thought, "Maybe the buses
are running late."
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329. After 30 minutes, I thought,
"Maybe the bus broke down."
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330. After an hour, I thought,
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331. "Maybe the bus got
in an accident,
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332. "skidded through the guardrail,
exploded in midair,
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333. and ended up at the bottom
of the East River."
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334. After the movie was over,
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335. I thought, "Maybe she never got
on that bus at all."
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336. To this day, I can't make it
through Footloose
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337. without crying.
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338. That's a bummer, man.
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339. Did she say
what happened?
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340. I haven't heard
from her.
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341. Why do girls
do junk like that?
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342. I don't know
what to tell you.
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343. Greg and I had the same
conversation last night
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344. and he still didn't know
what to tell me.
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345. That sucks.
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346. Man, I don't know
how you made it
to school today.
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347. Stood up, out there
on the street,
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348. talk about embarrassing.
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349. If I were you,
I'd be so depressed,
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350. I'd be standing on top
of the Brooklyn Bridge
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351. with a hundred pounds of
rocks tied around my ankles
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352. and a bag of rats
wrapped around my head,
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353. ready to jump...
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354. Okay, I get it.
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355. Forget about it, man.
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356. You're a nice guy.
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357. Aren't you the same one
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358. who called me
a little black bum?
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359. Like I said,
I was improvising.
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360. If it makes you
feel any better,
I would have shown up.
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361. That didn't mean anything.
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362. Greg once showed up at
a sneaker-string taste test.
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363. Uh-huh. Hey!
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364. I'm watching you!
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365. Because my mother
was the Block Watch captain,
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366. if anything happened
in the neighborhood,
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367. Miss Louise made sure
she heard about it.
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368. They're spraying graffiti
downstairs.
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369. I'll file a report.
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370. There's a mad dog chasing
people!
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371. I'll file a report.
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372. Somebody stole my mail.
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373. I'll file a report.
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374. I can't find my glasses.
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375. I'll file a report.
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376. Larry and them coming.
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377. I'll file a report.
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378. Being stood up was bad enough,
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379. so I didn't want
to tell anybody.
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380. Hey.
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381. Listen, you ever hear
of Whodini?
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382. Ecstasy and Jalil? Yeah.
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383. Yeah, I got a couple of tickets.
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384. I thought the show
was about the magician.
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385. You want 'em?
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386. Yeah.
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387. Maybe you can take your girl.
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388. I don't think so.
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389. Why not?
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390. She stood me up.
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391. I was standing outside
the theater for two hours
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392. and she never showed up.
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393. What? You gonna let her
treat you that way
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394. and get away with it?
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395. Listen, if I was you,
I'd go find that girl,
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396. take her by the hair
and shake her
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397. like an Etch-A-Sketch.
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398. Doc lives alone.
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399. She does owe me an explanation.
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400. Now you're talking.
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401. Well, here's your chance.
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402. Hey, Chris.
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403. Oh, hey, what happened
to you yesterday?
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404. That's right. We were supposed
to go see Footloose.
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405. I totally forgot.
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406. I didn't know it then,
but, for years to come,
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407. I dated an awful lot
of women with amnesia.
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408. Oh, that's right.
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409. We're supposed
to go to the prom together.
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410. I totally forgot.
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411. That's right.
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412. We wer supposed to do something
for your birthday.
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413. Totally forgot.
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414. Oh, that's right.
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415. I was supposed to give you
a kidney.
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416. Boy, I forgot all about you.
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417. Until I got famous,
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418. I never met a woman
that could remember anything.
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419. So maybe we can
go Saturday.
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420. Mm, this Saturday?
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421. I can't.
I have a piano lesson.
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422. Are you free Sunday?
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423. I have to go clean house.
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424. Too bad. I got these
Whodini tickets
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425. for Sunday afternoon
at the park.
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426. For real?
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427. Yeah, right here.
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428. You know what?
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429. Maybe I can go.
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430. So I'll see you Sunday then?
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431. All right.
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432. Sunday.
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433. Mm-mm.
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434. What?
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435. That girl is not interested
in you.
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436. She's interested
in your tickets.
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437. Think so?
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438. She's an opportunist.
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439. She goes with whoever
has the best deal.
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440. She only agreed
to go out with you
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441. because she didn't have
anything better to do.
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442. That's how I ended up
married for three years.
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443. I don't Yvette's like that.
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444. Want to make a bet?
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445. While I was trying
to get a girl's attention,
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446. girls were trying to get
Drew's attention.
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447. I feel so safe
with you here.
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448. Thanks.
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449. Drew,
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450. this is all for you.
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451. What are you doing?
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452. Drew.
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453. Drew.
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454. Oh, man!
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455. Drew's corner was crawling
with more girls
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456. than Usher's garbage can.
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457. I didn't want to believe Doc
was right about Yvette,
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458. so I decided to see for myself.
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459. Hey, Yvette. Yeah, it's Chris.
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460. Hi.
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461. Listen, about those tickets,
yeah.
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462. I found out they were fake.
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463. For real?
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464. Mm...
But you know, we can still
go out to a movie.
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465. Yeah, I found out
there's this new movie...
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466. Hello
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467. The number you have reached
has been disconnected.
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468. Hmm, maybe a bus crashed
into her phone.
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469. Rochelle.
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470. Yes, Louise.
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471. I need stickers.
What?
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472. Stickers. I've been up
and down this block.
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473. I've looked in every window
and there are no stickers.
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474. How do we expect offenders
not to offend
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475. if there are no stickers?
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476. I'll get you
some stickers, Louise.
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477. Thank you.
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478. Whoa, whoa, baby,
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479. that's nine cent
worth of tape.
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480. Hi, Julius.
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481. So sorry about your truck.
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482. I can't believe they stole it
right off the street.
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483. It was right here.
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484. Right here?
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485. Right here.
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486. Next to the fire hydrant?
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487. Oh.
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488. They must have
just put that there.
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489. Well, it probably
wouldn't have happened
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490. if it had had
a sticker on it.
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491. I like her.
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492. What?
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493. Matches...
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494. Hey, Chris.
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495. Hey, can I talk
to your for a minute?
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496. I hope she doesn't have
something better to do.
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497. What?
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498. How come you
didn't tell me
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499. you just didn't want
to go out with me
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500. instead of dissing
me like that?
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501. Like what?
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502. Like leaving me
out in front
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503. of the movie theater
like a fool.
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504. Like saying you want
to go with me to go see
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505. Whodini then hanging up
in my face?
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506. You said the tickets
were fake.
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507. I thought
you were going
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508. because you wanted
to go out with me.
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509. Why'd you even agree
to go out with me
in the first place?
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510. Because I didn't have
anything better to do.
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511. Why didn't you
say that?
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512. I was trying
not to hurt your feelings.
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513. Well, you know,
you really suck at that.
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514. Well, what do you
want me to do?
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515. You know what?
Nothing.
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516. I asked Yvette out
after I got famous.
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517. She stood me up and went out
with Chris Tucker.
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518. You handled that like a man,
Chris.
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519. You still got those tickets?
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520. Yeah. Why?
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521. I got this young honey
on the line and she loves rap.
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522. Have fun.
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523. You know I will.
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524. Man, the first time I asked
a girl to go out with me
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525. and this happens.
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526. Hey, at least it ended
better than this.
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527. After a week of being captain
of the Block Watch,
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528. my mother was going down
with the ship.
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529. I heard a noise in my house.
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530. I heard a noise
in my house, too,
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531. and it's you
at my damn door!
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532. Well, you are
the Block Watch captain.
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533. No, no, I'm not. You win!
You win!
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534. Here, here, you want to be
the Block Watch captain,
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535. be the Block Watch captain.
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536. Well, only if you're
absolutely sure.
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537. Here's the rest of the piece
of the pie!
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538. All right, we gonna see
who's watching the block now.
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539. What are you doing?
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540. I'm quitting the Patrol Boys.
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541. Why?
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542. Girls are crazy.
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543. No truer words
have ever been spoken.
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544. After getting put down
by Keisha
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545. and stood up by Yvette,
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546. I was through having crushes
on girls in the neighborhood,
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547. and I meant it.
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548. Oh, hi. You must be Chris.
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549. Uh, scratch that.
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550. Hey. Who are you?
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551. I'm Tasha.
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552. Stay away from my granddaughter,
you cockeyed hooligan.
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553. Turns out older women
didn't like me either.
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