1. Everyone agrees that
one of the most important daysCopy !req
2. of the year is Mother's Day.Copy !req
3. Happy Mother's Day!Copy !req
4. Oh, you guys
didn't have to do this.Copy !req
5. Everybody wants to show their
mama how much they love them.Copy !req
6. Even Tupac
wrote a song about his mother.Copy !req
7. On Mother's Day,
people pull out all the stops.Copy !req
8. You take your mother
to brunch...Copy !req
9. We're out of food.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.Copy !req
10. If you could
come back next Sunday.Copy !req
11. What do you mean, next Sunday?Copy !req
12. We're out of food, Mama.
What you want me to do?Copy !req
13. Didn't I raise you
better than that?Copy !req
14. You take her to a movie so
she can wear a great big hat...Copy !req
15. and you spend
your last dime on her,Copy !req
16. just so she knows
she's number one.Copy !req
17. Oh, my God! Ha-ha-ha!
Come on.Copy !req
18. Oh! Oh! Oh, I can't believe
you did this.Copy !req
19. But when it comes to Father's
Day, nobody gave a damn.Copy !req
20. It's Father's Day, people.Copy !req
21. Come on down
to Pastures and Shores.Copy !req
22. The food is half-price.Copy !req
23. Buenas noches.
¿Como se dice'half-off"?Copy !req
24. The movies are terrible...Copy !req
25. Turn it off! Turn it off!Copy !req
26. The gifts suck...Copy !req
27. Ta-da!Copy !req
28. What the hell is this?Copy !req
29. It's a parking space, honey.Copy !req
30. We got you a parking space.Copy !req
31. This year, I wanted to get
my father the perfect gift,Copy !req
32. and the only way to do that
was to ask him what he wanted.Copy !req
33. Dad, what present
do you want for Father's Day?Copy !req
34. Heh-heh, wanna get me
something for Father's Day?Copy !req
35. Help me knock off
one of these bills.Copy !req
36. Julius...Copy !req
37. Okay.Copy !req
38. Father's Day...Copy !req
39. You know what?Copy !req
40. Y'all really wanna get me
something for Father's Day?Copy !req
41. I know exactly what I want.
What's that, baby?Copy !req
42. A day off.Copy !req
43. You mean a day off from work?
No.Copy !req
44. A day off from everything
and everybody.Copy !req
45. No fighting, no shouting,Copy !req
46. no complaining, no fixing.Copy !req
47. Just one day where I can do
whatever I feel like doing.Copy !req
48. I hope he doesn't want
to leave us for a white girl.Copy !req
49. So, wait, your dad says
he doesn't want anything?Copy !req
50. Nope. All he said was
he wanted to be all alone.Copy !req
51. Watch out. My mother said
she wanted a day alone.Copy !req
52. Next thing we knew, she left
and moved to Poughkeepsie.Copy !req
53. I don't care what he says.
I'm gonna get him something.Copy !req
54. My father said what he wanted.Copy !req
55. My mother said
what he was gonna get.Copy !req
56. What kind of gift is
a day off from your family?Copy !req
57. It's just one day.Copy !req
58. How is that supposed
to make the kids feel?Copy !req
59. Women always used
the kids against you.Copy !req
60. It's Father's Day and you
don't want to be a father.Copy !req
61. I did not say that.Copy !req
62. They're trying to honor you,Copy !req
63. and all you got to say is,
"Leave me the hell alone."Copy !req
64. I did not say,
"Leave me the hell alone."Copy !req
65. You may as well have.Copy !req
66. I haven't had a day
to myself in 13 years.Copy !req
67. If I didn't want
to be a father, I...Copy !req
68. That look means if you want
to keep being a fatherCopy !req
69. you better
keep your mouth shut.Copy !req
70. It is supposed to be our day
to do something special for you.Copy !req
71. That's what I'm trying to say.Copy !req
72. Why can't I do what
the hell I want to do?Copy !req
73. Huh? Say what?Copy !req
74. Uh... You got the keys?Copy !req
75. Well, what you gonna do here
all day by yourself anyway?Copy !req
76. Nothing.Copy !req
77. Well, can the kids at least
get you a real gift?Copy !req
78. What?Copy !req
79. What's that?
Every Father's Day cardCopy !req
80. and present I've gotten
for the past four years.Copy !req
81. Look at this.Copy !req
82. A box of S-Curl.
I got you that.Copy !req
83. A macaroni cigar box.
Oh, that's so cute.Copy !req
84. I got four ties: a necktie
a bow tie, bolo tie...Copy !req
85. I got him that.Copy !req
86. and a clip-on tie.Copy !req
87. I don't even wear ties.
I don't go nowhere.Copy !req
88. That's $28.46 we could have used
on something else.Copy !req
89. Well, it's the thought
that counts.Copy !req
90. I appreciate it, I really do,
but if you buy me presents,Copy !req
91. I'm just gonna have to work
to pay it off.Copy !req
92. At this rate,
I'll be working when I'm dead.Copy !req
93. Julius, you're dead.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
94. Trying to pay off
these presents.Copy !req
95. Listen, can I work
the graveyard shift?Copy !req
96. Fine. Okay, then.Copy !req
97. Have your little stinky day off.Copy !req
98. But on your birthday,
I will promise you this.Copy !req
99. You will be getting a cake,Copy !req
100. and you will like it.
Oh, I know.Copy !req
101. You better jump back
and kiss yourself.Copy !req
102. And, uh,
put up the groceries.Copy !req
103. Before your day off.Copy !req
104. Does he have any hobbies?Copy !req
105. Is taking naps a hobby?
No.Copy !req
106. So, what are you getting
your dad for Father's Day?Copy !req
107. I don't know if "getting" is
right. It's more like "doing."Copy !req
108. Okay, so, what are you
doingfor your dad?Copy !req
109. Well, first, I'm making
his favorite breakfast,Copy !req
110. Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.Copy !req
111. I tried to imagine
doing the thingsCopy !req
112. that Greg talked about
with my father.Copy !req
113. Like bringing him
Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.Copy !req
114. Are you crazy?Copy !req
115. Boy, you better
bring me some bacon.Copy !req
116. I thought about taking my dad
to the zoo to see penguins.Copy !req
117. We paid $3.50 to see
a bird that can't fly?Copy !req
118. What you gonna show me next,
rats that don't eat cheese?Copy !req
119. I even imagined us
shooting off bottle rocketsCopy !req
120. in front of the house.Copy !req
121. Run, boy, run!Copy !req
122. I wonder if Greg's dad
ever got shot at.Copy !req
123. You decided
what you're gonna do?Copy !req
124. I can't do the stuff
you talked about.Copy !req
125. I only have $27.Copy !req
126. That's not bad.
If I were you, I'd figure outCopy !req
127. what he needs
and just give him that.Copy !req
128. I wonder if it
would ruin our friendshipCopy !req
129. if I smacked his eyebrows off?Copy !req
130. What you looking for, Chris?Copy !req
131. Oh, I'm trying to find my father
something for Father's Day.Copy !req
132. Heh, Father's Day.Copy !req
133. My daddy liked
guns, liquor and women.Copy !req
134. I guess he liked jail too.Copy !req
135. What does your daddy
like to do?Copy !req
136. That's the tough part.Copy !req
137. All he does is sleep and work.Copy !req
138. I know what that's like.
But I got just the thing.Copy !req
139. A Swiss LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.Copy !req
140. Well, he has
an alarm clock at home.Copy !req
141. What's he need one
in his watch for?Copy !req
142. You never know.Copy !req
143. Oh!Copy !req
144. Thank goodness for this watch.Copy !req
145. Hm, I never thought of that.Copy !req
146. It's got a calculator too.Copy !req
147. He can figure out
how muchanythingcosts.Copy !req
148. If it came
with a side of bacon,Copy !req
149. that would have been
the best gift in history.Copy !req
150. How much does it cost?Copy !req
151. Twenty-four ninety-five.Copy !req
152. He just made that up.
I'll take it.Copy !req
153. How come Daddy doesn't wanna
be with us on Father's Day?Copy !req
154. Oh, baby, it's not
that your daddyCopy !req
155. doesn't wanna be with us,Copy !req
156. it's just that
he works hard all the timeCopy !req
157. and wants to have
a little time to be by himself.Copy !req
158. Man, that's cool.
I can't wait until I'm a fatherCopy !req
159. so I can have this
whole house to myself.Copy !req
160. You are not gonna be
a father in this house,Copy !req
161. because I ain't
taking care of no babies.Copy !req
162. Lost your mind.Copy !req
163. Well, can we still
get him a present?Copy !req
164. Sure, baby.
What'd you have in mind?Copy !req
165. These.
See, I took Daddy's old slippersCopy !req
166. and put macaroni on them.Copy !req
167. Oh, baby, that's nice.Copy !req
168. I'm gonna help you
wrap them later.Copy !req
169. Can you help me wrap mine too?Copy !req
170. I'm making dad cologne.Copy !req
171. Where did you learn
how to make cologne?Copy !req
172. I saw it in the back
of a magazine.Copy !req
173. All I need is oil,Copy !req
174. something to give it
a little smellCopy !req
175. and, uh, alcohol.Copy !req
176. Then just leave it
in a jar for a week.Copy !req
177. Mama, since Daddy
wants to be by himself,Copy !req
178. what are we gonna do?Copy !req
179. We are gonna have some fun.Copy !req
180. Chris! Time to eat!Copy !req
181. Hey, Dad, what's all that stuff?
It's a bunch of stuffCopy !req
182. guys on my route
got me for Father's Day.Copy !req
183. Oh, look at this.Copy !req
184. It's an LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.Copy !req
185. It's the best gift I ever got.
Ha-ha!Copy !req
186. Maybe I could glue some
macaroni to his shoes.Copy !req
187. Happy Father's Day!Copy !req
188. Happy Father's Day, baby.
We love you.Copy !req
189. Oh-ho-ho!
I love y'all too. Yeah.Copy !req
190. Hey, y'all have fun today, okay?Copy !req
191. Daddy, aren't you
gonna read your card?Copy !req
192. Ooh, yeah. Let's see here.Copy !req
193. Oh. Oh!Copy !req
194. "To the best dad
in the whole world." Oh.Copy !req
195. That's so sweet.Copy !req
196. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
197. Y'all enjoy y'all selves
today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.Copy !req
198. Dad, we made your favorite
thing for breakfast.Copy !req
199. I brought your gout pills,
so you can eat without worrying.Copy !req
200. Oh, man, bacon, eggs with
cheese, biscuits and butter.Copy !req
201. I feel like I died
and went to heaven.Copy !req
202. Oh!
Thank you, baby.Copy !req
203. Oh, you're welcome, baby.
They did it all.Copy !req
204. When y'all leaving, huh?Copy !req
205. All right, in a minute.
And you're welcome.Copy !req
206. And, baby, make sure you take
those pills, okay?Copy !req
207. All right. You guys go
get ready so we can go.Copy !req
208. Hurry up, now. Hurry up. Faster.Copy !req
209. Isn't that sweet?
There you go.Copy !req
210. We have the best kids
in the world.Copy !req
211. Oh, yeah.
They're so sweet.Copy !req
212. They are.Copy !req
213. That look means, "Ain't you
supposed to be leaving?"Copy !req
214. You better hurry up. I mean...Copy !req
215. You're gonna be late for
your, uh... The, um, ahem...Copy !req
216. Uh, the...Copy !req
217. Uh, what y'all doing?
We're going to the museum.Copy !req
218. And to see the movie
Trading Places.Copy !req
219. Oh, that should be funny.
Right. Right.Copy !req
220. So you better hurry up,
all right?Copy !req
221. Okay, Julius, we're leaving.Copy !req
222. Well, I'll be home
in time for dinner, okay?Copy !req
223. Thank you. I love you.Copy !req
224. I love you too, baby.
Thank you.Copy !req
225. You have a good day.
All right. Oh, I will.Copy !req
226. Get on out of here.
Happy Father's Day!Copy !req
227. Hey, enjoy yourself.
I will.Copy !req
228. For my father to have one dayCopy !req
229. where he could do
whatever he felt like doingCopy !req
230. was like finding
a million dollars.Copy !req
231. He slept on the couch.Copy !req
232. He slept in the bed.Copy !req
233. He slept
on the dining room tableCopy !req
234. and dreamt his favorite dreams.Copy !req
235. Seventeen cent worth of butter.Copy !req
236. He watched bowling.Copy !req
237. Yeah!Copy !req
238. Ha-ha-ha! Yes!Copy !req
239. He watched baseball.
Here's the pitch.Copy !req
240. It's gone!
Yeah!Copy !req
241. He watched golf.Copy !req
242. On it's way, and it's in.Copy !req
243. Oh-ho-ho, yeah!Copy !req
244. He even did stuff we didn't
know he did, like painting.Copy !req
245. While my father
was doing thingsCopy !req
246. he wouldn't do
while we were around,Copy !req
247. we were doing things
we wouldn't doCopy !req
248. while he was around.Copy !req
249. Okay, y'all stay
where I can see you.Copy !req
250. All right, now,
you sure about this?Copy !req
251. Mr. Harris gave me
my money back on the watch,Copy !req
252. so I wanted to see if I can
find Dad something he'll like.Copy !req
253. Okay. But gift or no gift,Copy !req
254. if you're not home by 6:30,
I'm calling the police.Copy !req
255. My mother always told us
if we weren't home on time,Copy !req
256. she was calling the police.Copy !req
257. Here.
What's this?Copy !req
258. Oh, it's money
I was gonna useCopy !req
259. to buy a gift for your dad.
Thanks.Copy !req
260. You're welcome, baby.
Be careful.Copy !req
261. The only thing tougher
than finding a giftCopy !req
262. for the man that has everythingCopy !req
263. is finding one for the man
that wants nothing.Copy !req
264. The only time
my father wore a suitCopy !req
265. was at funerals, graduations
and on laundry day.Copy !req
266. The closest
my father got to jewelryCopy !req
267. was listening to Neil Diamond.Copy !req
268. I hope it lasts
as long as the payments.Copy !req
269. I wasn't sure
if he would feed the rabbit,Copy !req
270. or use the rabbit to feed us.Copy !req
271. And let's just say
he wasn't the leg warmer type.Copy !req
272. While I was trying to figure
out what to get my father,Copy !req
273. my mother was trying
to figure outCopy !req
274. what she had gotten
herself into.Copy !req
275. What is that?Copy !req
276. Well, honey, that's art.Copy !req
277. You sure?
Looks like somebody got shotCopy !req
278. and fell in a bucket
of mustard.Copy !req
279. Be quiet, boy.Copy !req
280. This is culture.Copy !req
281. How much more culture
do we have to get?Copy !req
282. Girl, just look
at the picture.Copy !req
283. I wish Dad was here.Copy !req
284. Maybe he could explain this.Copy !req
285. Hey, Risky?
Hold up, little man.Copy !req
286. I had looked for a gift
everywhere I could,Copy !req
287. so I decided to look
somewhere I shouldn't have.Copy !req
288. What kind of stuff
do you have for Father's Day?Copy !req
289. Father's Day?
That ain't a big one for me.Copy !req
290. There ain't none but four
fathers in the neighborhood.Copy !req
291. Now, Mother's Day, I had
a whole bunch of stuff.Copy !req
292. How much you got to spend?
Thirty-seven dollars.Copy !req
293. Thirty-seven dollars?
You knock over a liquor store?Copy !req
294. I saved up.
Man,Copy !req
295. keep saving like that,
you'll be rich in a minute.Copy !req
296. Maybe then I can buy one of
those pink sweaters, like him.Copy !req
297. Your old man like music?
Who's that?Copy !req
298. Oh.Copy !req
299. We got John Travolta,Copy !req
300. William Shatner.
Oh! Liberace.Copy !req
301. That's for fathers that were
too old for Elton John.Copy !req
302. No, thanks.
What else you got?Copy !req
303. Uh... Oh!Copy !req
304. How about these... for your mom?Copy !req
305. For Father's Day?
Yeah. For him to give to her.Copy !req
306. No.Copy !req
307. Uh, I'm sorry I can't
help you out, young blood,Copy !req
308. but, hey, you come back
Mother's Day, I'll hook you up.Copy !req
309. Listen, watch this
for a few minutes.Copy !req
310. I'm gonna run across the street,
pay my light bill. All right?Copy !req
311. Sure.Copy !req
312. Tell your daddy to call me
and happy Father's Day.Copy !req
313. Back at home, my father still
had the house to himself...Copy !req
314. Rochelle?Copy !req
315. Chris?Copy !req
316. whether he liked it or not.Copy !req
317. And if you order now,Copy !req
318. you'll get this set
of microwavable...Copy !req
319. In the city
that never sleeps...Copy !req
320. Psychic Station
TV Network...Copy !req
321. This proud father goose
is no exception.Copy !req
322. He graciously watches over
and protects his chicks,Copy !req
323. assuring their safety
until they are old enoughCopy !req
324. to fend for themselves.Copy !req
325. In the wild, babies are
almost never abandonedCopy !req
326. and rarely left alone for
any extended period of time.Copy !req
327. A great man once said,Copy !req
328. "Nothing screams louder
than the sound of silence."Copy !req
329. I think it was Nipsy Russell.Copy !req
330. Thank you. Enjoy your show.Copy !req
331. Hi. Um, can I have
one adult, two childrenCopy !req
332. Youmustthink I'm a fool.Copy !req
333. You want me to believe
he's under 12?Copy !req
334. Yeah, she does.Copy !req
335. Daddy!
Dad!Copy !req
336. What are you doing here?Copy !req
337. I missed you guys.Copy !req
338. Father's Day
without your family...Copy !req
339. it's like not being a father.Copy !req
340. That look means,Copy !req
341. "That's what I was trying
to tell your stupid ass!"Copy !req
342. Come here.Copy !req
343. Where's Chris?
Oh, he went to buy you a gift.Copy !req
344. But I told...
Julius, please, just promise meCopy !req
345. you will act like it's the best
gift you've ever gotten.Copy !req
346. I promise.
All right.Copy !req
347. All right.Copy !req
348. Uh, that'll be two kids,
two adultsCopy !req
349. for, uh, Trading Places.Copy !req
350. There you go.
What's this?Copy !req
351. Father's Day special,
two for one.Copy !req
352. Happy Father's Day, Daddy.Copy !req
353. I made these for you.Copy !req
354. I know you said
don't get you a gift,Copy !req
355. but I wanted something
in case you changed your mind.Copy !req
356. Oh! Macaroni-covered
slippers! Ha-ha!Copy !req
357. It goes with the macaroni
cigar box I got last year.Copy !req
358. I know.Copy !req
359. Dad, I got something
for you too.Copy !req
360. Oh, what's this?Copy !req
361. A bottle of iodine?Copy !req
362. No, no, no, it's cologne.
I made it myself.Copy !req
363. I just couldn't find
a bottle to put it in,Copy !req
364. so I poured the iodine out
and put it in there.Copy !req
365. Boy, that iodine cost 99...Copy !req
366. Mm, that smells good.Copy !req
367. Ha-ha, thank you, Drew.
Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
368. Oh, man, thank you so much.
Chris?Copy !req
369. You know I was about
to call the police, right?Copy !req
370. Hey, Chris, where you been?Copy !req
371. I was trying to find you
a gift for Father's Day.Copy !req
372. Well, I'm sure whatever you got,Copy !req
373. it's fine.Copy !req
374. That's the thing.
I looked all over,Copy !req
375. but I couldn't find you anything
I thought you would like.Copy !req
376. Doesn't matter.
It's the thought that counts.Copy !req
377. So did you find something?Copy !req
378. Not really.Copy !req
379. It's more of,
I did something for you.Copy !req
380. What? What is it?Copy !req
381. It's a receipt.Copy !req
382. He paid the electric bill.Copy !req
383. Oh, baby, that is so...Copy !req
384. When I asked if I
could get you anything,Copy !req
385. you said I could help you
knock out a bill.Copy !req
386. That was the only one
I could afford.Copy !req
387. Thanks, son.Copy !req
388. My father never really cared
much about presents,Copy !req
389. but giving him a reason
to smileCopy !req
390. was the best thing
I could ever do for him.Copy !req
391. This is the best gift
I ever got.Copy !req
392. I'll remember this forever.
Happy Father's Day.Copy !req
393. I'm proud of you, Chris.Copy !req
394. Becoming more
of a man every day.Copy !req
395. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
396. You know, I was thinking,Copy !req
397. it might be a good idea
if you get a jobCopy !req
398. and start paying a bill
every month.Copy !req
399. Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.Copy !req