1. Chris, how many times
do I have to tell youCopy !req
2. to quit leaving this damn
yo-yo on the floor?Copy !req
3. What are you trying to do,
kill me?Copy !req
4. I forgot where I left it.Copy !req
5. Well, will you remember
when I fallCopy !req
6. down the steps
and break my neck?Copy !req
7. Sometimes it felt like
all my mother didCopy !req
8. was yell at everybody.Copy !req
9. Tonya, close the door!Copy !req
10. You trying to freeze
the whole house?Copy !req
11. Drew, turn that mess down!Copy !req
12. You trying to make everybody
in the house go deaf?Copy !req
13. And get your feet
off my table.Copy !req
14. Julius!Copy !req
15. Pick up your drawers!Copy !req
16. Do I have to do everything
around here?Copy !req
17. And when I say my mother yelled
at everybody, I mean everybody.Copy !req
18. Rochelle, what did I tell me?Copy !req
19. Are you trying
to drive me crazy?Copy !req
20. But there was one personCopy !req
21. who always put my mother
in a good mood.Copy !req
22. Daddy!Copy !req
23. My mother loved her daddy,
and we did too.Copy !req
24. Oh, where's Mama?Copy !req
25. Oh, I left her at
the hair dresser.Copy !req
26. Where are them
grandkids of mine?Copy !req
27. Where they at? Hey!Copy !req
28. My grandfather was
a great storyteller.Copy !req
29. And he didn't think
I was playingCopy !req
30. when I smacked him
in the head with that brick.Copy !req
31. Until this day,Copy !req
32. when I go in there,
my food is free.Copy !req
33. Oh, man, do you have
any more good jokes?Copy !req
34. Do I got any more
good jokes?Copy !req
35. Come on, now! Knock, knock.Copy !req
36. Who's there?
Pass me them pork chops.Copy !req
37. Pass me them pork chops who?Copy !req
38. No, pass me them pork chops
right there.Copy !req
39. He got you!Copy !req
40. I ain't playing with you.Copy !req
41. What's the rest
of the joke, Grandpa?Copy !req
42. Ooh! Okay, knock, knock.Copy !req
43. Who's there?Copy !req
44. Oh, Lordy.Copy !req
45. Oh, Lordy who?Copy !req
46. I'm dying.Copy !req
47. I'm dying who?Copy !req
48. I'm... having a heart...Copy !req
49. You're having a heart who?Copy !req
50. Daddy?Copy !req
51. Daddy.Copy !req
52. Daddy?Copy !req
53. I never did find out
who was there.Copy !req
54. My grandfather passing away
was the first timeCopy !req
55. I had to deal with
a death in the family.Copy !req
56. I didn't know how to react,Copy !req
57. and I guess
my mother didn't, either,Copy !req
58. because instead
of doing this...Copy !req
59. Damn. Damn. Damn!Copy !req
60. she did this...Copy !req
61. Good morning, everybody.Copy !req
62. I hadn't seen my mother
that happyCopy !req
63. since Lionel Richie went solo.Copy !req
64. I can't believe Gene is gone.Copy !req
65. I can't believe
he never finished that joke.Copy !req
66. I'm never eating
pork chops again.Copy !req
67. I can't believe he died
sitting right here.Copy !req
68. Everybody has to die someplace.Copy !req
69. Now eat your eggs.Copy !req
70. I hate eggs.Copy !req
71. Can I have some toast?Copy !req
72. Sure, Tonya. No problem.Copy !req
73. Hey, Mom, uh, do I have
to go to school today?Copy !req
74. Usually, the only deathCopy !req
75. that could keep us
out of school was our own.Copy !req
76. Not if you don't want to.
Cool.Copy !req
77. Chris, do you want to stay home
from school today?Copy !req
78. No, I have a quiz.Copy !req
79. Oh.Copy !req
80. Can I stay home too?
Sure.Copy !req
81. I didn't know what was wrongCopy !req
82. with my mother,
but at that moment,Copy !req
83. all I could think of
doing was this...Copy !req
84. Snap out of it, woman!Copy !req
85. Well, everybody
have a nice day.Copy !req
86. That was weird.Copy !req
87. Man, your grandfather died?Copy !req
88. That's rough.Copy !req
89. I had a parakeet
that died once.Copy !req
90. I cried for three weeks.Copy !req
91. My mom is acting
really strange.Copy !req
92. You mean strange like...Copy !req
93. There's a TV in my head!Copy !req
94. Oh! Ow!Copy !req
95. Please, just make it stop!Copy !req
96. Even the crackheads
would be scared of that.Copy !req
97. No.Copy !req
98. She's just really nice.Copy !req
99. So were you guys close?
Yeah.Copy !req
100. Chris, why don't you stand up
and tell the rest of the classCopy !req
101. what you're discussing
with Gregory.Copy !req
102. My grandfather died.
Chris, that's not funny.Copy !req
103. What are you gonna do when
your grandfather dies for real?Copy !req
104. Just because
you didn't study for a testCopy !req
105. doesn't mean you can go
killing off your family.Copy !req
106. Who's next?
Your father, your mother?Copy !req
107. Why don't you kill your sister
or your brother?Copy !req
108. He's telling the truth.Copy !req
109. Oh.Copy !req
110. Oh, Chris...Copy !req
111. Wait... you believe him?Copy !req
112. Of course.
And not me?Copy !req
113. Well, Chris,
your grandfather died.Copy !req
114. You might
say anything.Copy !req
115. What are you even doing here?
Bring me your paper.Copy !req
116. Don't worry
about the test.Copy !req
117. You're excused.Copy !req
118. In honor of my grandfather,Copy !req
119. I should have hit her
with a brick.Copy !req
120. Hi, Mama.
You look good.Copy !req
121. And that's my grandmother,
Maxine.Copy !req
122. She was the only woman
who could out-snob my mother.Copy !req
123. Your hair smells funny.Copy !req
124. Are you still using
that cheap perm?Copy !req
125. Dark and Lovely, hmm?Copy !req
126. Look at mine.
It's beautiful.Copy !req
127. It's beautiful, isn't it?Copy !req
128. Good to see you too, Mama.Copy !req
129. That's my Aunt Charlotte,
but we called her Grievey,Copy !req
130. because we only saw her
at funerals.Copy !req
131. No birthdays, no weddings.
Just funerals.Copy !req
132. Girl, I haven't seen you
since Cheryl's funeral.Copy !req
133. I know, I know, I know...Copy !req
134. Grievey, stop crying.
Come on.Copy !req
135. Okay, okay, let me go.Copy !req
136. Grievey!Copy !req
137. Come on, come on.Copy !req
138. Come on.Copy !req
139. That's Aunt Mousey.Copy !req
140. We called her that
because she talked like a mouseCopy !req
141. and she only spoke
when spoken directly to.Copy !req
142. Hi, Aunt Mousey.Copy !req
143. How you doing?Copy !req
144. Fine.
Huh?Copy !req
145. My Uncle Michael was almost 40
and never had a job.Copy !req
146. He put the "um" in "bum."Copy !req
147. Hey, sis, how you doing?Copy !req
148. Good.
Y'all got something to eat?Copy !req
149. Yeah, we just—Copy !req
150. I think he saw a job
chasing him.Copy !req
151. Hey, Shaft.Copy !req
152. That's too bad
about your grandpa.Copy !req
153. Sorry.Copy !req
154. Really?Copy !req
155. Yeah. I mean...Copy !req
156. who's going to teach you
how to tap dance now?Copy !req
157. Later that day, he beat up
a Chinese kid in my honor.Copy !req
158. Oh, here you are.Copy !req
159. Hey, everybody.
Hey, everybody.Copy !req
160. Good to see you.Copy !req
161. I'm going
to, uh, takeCopy !req
162. Michael and Charlotte
upstairs to get situated.Copy !req
163. Are you okay, Mousey?
Fine.Copy !req
164. Okay.Copy !req
165. Um, come on,
upstairs, follow me.Copy !req
166. Julius, shouldn't you
be at work already?Copy !req
167. Hey, you know,
I'm on my way.Copy !req
168. Oh.Copy !req
169. I just came by to say hi
real quick.Copy !req
170. How are you?Copy !req
171. Well as can be expected.Copy !req
172. You know, Gene and I
were married for 40 years.Copy !req
173. I hope Rochelle and me
make it that far.Copy !req
174. The way she
keeps this house,Copy !req
175. I'm surprised you
haven't left already.Copy !req
176. My grandmother
always criticized everythingCopy !req
177. my mother did.
Mama, you like my coat?Copy !req
178. It's all leather.Copy !req
179. Oh... feels rubbery.Copy !req
180. Feel mine.Copy !req
181. Italian leather.Copy !req
182. At home, even though
my mother seemedCopy !req
183. to be keeping it together,
the house was falling apart.Copy !req
184. Rochelle, can you
change the channel?Copy !req
185. Sure, no problem.Copy !req
186. They were treating her
like she was me!Copy !req
187. Rochelle, you going to help me
pick out this casket,Copy !req
188. or do I have to do it
by myself?Copy !req
189. Sure, Mama,
I'll help you in a minute.Copy !req
190. Oh, Chellie,
get me a glass of iced tea.Copy !req
191. Sure, Mama.Copy !req
192. Tea for Mom... turtles.Copy !req
193. Damn it!
What?Copy !req
194. You ever had the feeling
you're about to get smackedCopy !req
195. upside the head with a yo-yo?Copy !req
196. Here, baby.
Be more careful.Copy !req
197. You're not mad?Copy !req
198. No. Why would I be mad?Copy !req
199. Here, Mama.Copy !req
200. Ooh!Copy !req
201. This tea tastes funny.Copy !req
202. What kind is it?Copy !req
203. I think it's Lipton.Copy !req
204. Mm-mm, tastes like Nestea.Copy !req
205. It's Lipton.Copy !req
206. Ick.Copy !req
207. Hey.Copy !req
208. Hey.Copy !req
209. Want a turtle?Copy !req
210. My mother offering me a turtle?Copy !req
211. In her world,
that's a cry for help.Copy !req
212. Mm, no thanks.Copy !req
213. Mm.Copy !req
214. You okay, Ma?Copy !req
215. I'm fine.Copy !req
216. You sure you don't want
a turtle?Copy !req
217. Mmm...Copy !req
218. What was that for?Copy !req
219. I just wanted to let you know
that I love you.Copy !req
220. Since my father
was working extra hoursCopy !req
221. and my mother
wasn't being herself,Copy !req
222. I decided to pick up the slack
the best way I knew how.Copy !req
223. Tonya, you go
make up your bed.Copy !req
224. Drew, you clean up in here.Copy !req
225. Sitting in here
playing cards...Copy !req
226. This was gonna be harder
than I thought.Copy !req
227. Turn that mess down!Copy !req
228. You trying to make everyone
in the house deaf?Copy !req
229. Take your feet
off the table.Copy !req
230. Rochelle, tomorrow,
we're goingCopy !req
231. to the funeral home
to pick out a casket.Copy !req
232. Please dress presentably.Copy !req
233. I don't want him to think
that we can't affordCopy !req
234. a decent casket.
Sure, Mama.Copy !req
235. You okay, baby?
You need to sit down?Copy !req
236. Oh, no, I'm fine.Copy !req
237. As bad as she felt,
I didn't knowCopy !req
238. it was about to get worse.Copy !req
239. Mm!Copy !req
240. Rochelle, can't you makeCopy !req
241. a decent glass
of iced tea?Copy !req
242. Well, can't you
leave her alone?Copy !req
243. It's iced tea!Copy !req
244. If you're thirsty,
well, then you drink it!Copy !req
245. If you're not, don't!Copy !req
246. I might be joining
my grandfatherCopy !req
247. sooner than I thought.
Are you gonna sit thereCopy !req
248. and let that boy
talk to me like that?Copy !req
249. Boy, don't you know
I'll knock youCopy !req
250. into another family?Copy !req
251. Who are you?Copy !req
252. You don't want to know.Copy !req
253. Hey, man.Copy !req
254. Hey.Copy !req
255. Chris...Copy !req
256. you know you're going to have to
apologize to your grandmother.Copy !req
257. How come? She's the one
who's been mean to Mom.Copy !req
258. She's hurting, Chris,
and your mother is too.Copy !req
259. I know you're trying
to protect your mother,Copy !req
260. but trust me, you do not want
to get between the two of them.Copy !req
261. You ain't gonna win that one.Copy !req
262. I'm already going
to one funeral.Copy !req
263. I ain't trying to go
to another.Copy !req
264. Well, then what do I do?Copy !req
265. Do what I do: nothing.Copy !req
266. Things will work out.Copy !req
267. All right?Copy !req
268. Apologize.Copy !req
269. You can't really believeCopy !req
270. you're getting married
until you buy that tux.Copy !req
271. And you can't really believe
somebody is deadCopy !req
272. until you've got to buy them
a casket.Copy !req
273. Now, we have several models.Copy !req
274. This one right over here,Copy !req
275. top of the line.Copy !req
276. Made of mahogany, huh?Copy !req
277. Has silk liningCopy !req
278. over goose-down bedding...Copy !req
279. and a night light.Copy !req
280. I guess that's in case
the dead want to read.Copy !req
281. Well, Mama, what
about the blue one?Copy !req
282. Oh, the blue one is nice.Copy !req
283. I don't like it.
She don't like that one.Copy !req
284. It's a coffin,
not an Oldsmobile.Copy !req
285. I like that one.Copy !req
286. Good taste.Copy !req
287. Uh, Maxine,Copy !req
288. that costs
a lot of money.Copy !req
289. Now, we got payment plans.Copy !req
290. Well, can we put it
in my father-in-law's name?Copy !req
291. Well... no.Copy !req
292. I didn't think so.Copy !req
293. Okay, Mama,Copy !req
294. whatever you want.
Oh, okay.Copy !req
295. Um, Rochelle,Copy !req
296. even if we split
this five ways,Copy !req
297. that's still
a lot of money.Copy !req
298. Who's talking
about splitting it?Copy !req
299. Well, I just assumed
we'd all chip in.Copy !req
300. I mean, it is your husband.Copy !req
301. Julius, I want to help out.Copy !req
302. What's this?
It's a baseball card.Copy !req
303. Al Oliver.
He played in Pittsburgh.Copy !req
304. Lifetime 330 hitter.Copy !req
305. That card is going to be worth
thousands of dollars someday.Copy !req
306. How much is
it worth now?Copy !req
307. About a dollar.Copy !req
308. I got $40 saved up.Copy !req
309. What about you,
Aunt Mousey?Copy !req
310. I have some quarters.Copy !req
311. Too bad he won't be playing
Asteroids.Copy !req
312. Mama, I just don't thinkCopy !req
313. that we can afford
this right now.Copy !req
314. Why not?Copy !req
315. Baby, you always braggingCopy !req
316. about how your husband
has two jobs.Copy !req
317. I do not.Copy !req
318. I do not need this.
My man has two jobs.Copy !req
319. My husband has two jobs.Copy !req
320. I don't need
to be here right now.Copy !req
321. I do not need this!
My man has two jobs, okay?Copy !req
322. My husband deserves
to be buried with dignity.Copy !req
323. Now, who are you
to deny me that?Copy !req
324. Mama, we're not
trying to deny you—Copy !req
325. —dignity, I mean—Copy !req
326. You only die once.Copy !req
327. You owe it to your father
to let him go in style.Copy !req
328. Fine! Fine!Copy !req
329. You do whatever
the hell you want.Copy !req
330. Mama...
Come on!Copy !req
331. Mama, I wasn't trying—Copy !req
332. I'm coming, Mama.Copy !req
333. Rochelle, you wrong.Copy !req
334. Poor baby.Copy !req
335. We'll take the blue one.Copy !req
336. My daddy liked blue.Copy !req
337. I always hated that picture.Copy !req
338. It made me look
like I got smackedCopy !req
339. in the head with a brick.Copy !req
340. Oh, hi, Daddy.Copy !req
341. You want a turtle?Copy !req
342. No, but how you doing?Copy !req
343. I'm okay.Copy !req
344. Mama's getting
on my last nerve.Copy !req
345. Oh, she can do that.Copy !req
346. She used to get
on my nerves too.Copy !req
347. You know,
just because I'm deadCopy !req
348. doesn't mean you have
to let her push you around.Copy !req
349. And if she tries
to do that,Copy !req
350. you smack her in the head
with that brick.Copy !req
351. By the day of the funeral,Copy !req
352. there was still one thing
left to fight over:Copy !req
353. who gets to ride in the limo.Copy !req
354. Who are you, and what
are you doing in here?Copy !req
355. Hey, I'm Monay, this is Aisha,
and this is Tiki.Copy !req
356. We saw the limo
so we had to hop in it.Copy !req
357. Where y'all
about to go?Copy !req
358. A funeral.Copy !req
359. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
360. Who died?Copy !req
361. My husband.Copy !req
362. Oh.Copy !req
363. Okay, well,
when y'all get back,Copy !req
364. and if y'all not taking
the limo...Copy !req
365. can we take it to the club?Copy !req
366. Okay.Copy !req
367. The only thing more crowded
than a limo before the funeralCopy !req
368. is your house
after the funeral.Copy !req
369. Hey, what are you doing here?Copy !req
370. My dad dropped me off
to pay my respects.Copy !req
371. Thanks, man.
He had to go to work.Copy !req
372. Mama! Come look!Copy !req
373. Chris has got
a white friend.Copy !req
374. Michael, close
your mouth.Copy !req
375. Stop acting like you never
seen a white person before.Copy !req
376. Hi, honey.
You hungry?Copy !req
377. You want something
to eat?Copy !req
378. Sure.Copy !req
379. Well, come on.Copy !req
380. No, thank you.Copy !req
381. How about a slinky?
Would you like a slinky?Copy !req
382. I left a whole load
of sloppiesCopy !req
383. in the kitchen
for you guys.Copy !req
384. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
385. Chris, I got
a new video game at the store.Copy !req
386. Okay.Copy !req
387. Next time someone dies,
let me know.Copy !req
388. I'll get you a good deal
on a casket.Copy !req
389. Man, what is
your problem?Copy !req
390. Sorry about your grandfather,
Chris.Copy !req
391. The one good thing
about losing a family memberCopy !req
392. is that you get
lots of sympathy.Copy !req
393. What are you doing?Copy !req
394. My grandfather died.Copy !req
395. Just because
your grandfather diedCopy !req
396. doesn't mean you can go around
hugging people.Copy !req
397. Sorry about
your grandfather.Copy !req
398. At least somebody was getting
some sympathy.Copy !req
399. Who is that?
I don't know.Copy !req
400. Hey, little dude
from across the street,Copy !req
401. here you go, man.Copy !req
402. What's this?Copy !req
403. I robbed your grandfather
a few times.Copy !req
404. I didn't know you knew him.Copy !req
405. My turtles.Copy !req
406. Who ate my turtles?Copy !req
407. Oh, is that
what you call them things?Copy !req
408. I ate them,
but they was nasty.Copy !req
409. What's in those things,
anyway?Copy !req
410. If you didn't like them,
why did you eat them?Copy !req
411. Mama, I am sick of you.Copy !req
412. Ever since you got here, you
have not stopped complaining.Copy !req
413. Just because Daddy is deadCopy !req
414. does not mean
that you can come into my houseCopy !req
415. and tell everybody
what to do.Copy !req
416. Michael, get your feet
off of my damn couchCopy !req
417. before I slap the jam
out of your toes.Copy !req
418. Aunt Grievey,
stop all that crying.Copy !req
419. You cried on Easter.Copy !req
420. You cried on Halloween.Copy !req
421. You cried on Flag Day.Copy !req
422. Get some Kleenex,
wipe your nose,Copy !req
423. 'cause it ain't that damn sad.Copy !req
424. And hang up my phone!Copy !req
425. And Aunt Mousey,Copy !req
426. take off your coatCopy !req
427. and speak up.Copy !req
428. You're over there peeping
and squeaking.Copy !req
429. You sound like a damn rat.Copy !req
430. Use your words!Copy !req
431. You're damn near 60 years old!Copy !req
432. And, Mama,
the next time you wantCopy !req
433. to eat my turtles, the least
you could do is like them.Copy !req
434. She's back!Copy !req
435. Hey.Copy !req
436. Hey, baby.Copy !req
437. How you doing?Copy !req
438. I'm fine.Copy !req
439. I brought you
your turtles.Copy !req
440. Yay, turtles.
Thank you.Copy !req
441. I'm proud of you
for standing up to your mother.Copy !req
442. You had me worried there
for a minute.Copy !req
443. Why?Copy !req
444. I thought you were
about to smack her with a brick.Copy !req
445. It's so good
seeing you, girl.Copy !req
446. You take care.Copy !req
447. You owe me
some Kleenex.Copy !req
448. See you later, thanks for
all the chicken and things.Copy !req
449. All right, and stay out
of them pretzels. Bye.Copy !req
450. So...Copy !req
451. Did he say anything
before he died?Copy !req
452. Who, Daddy?Copy !req
453. No, Martin Luther King.Copy !req
454. Yes, your father.
Did he mention me?Copy !req
455. No, he just asked
for more pork chops.Copy !req
456. I know what you're thinking:
"She should have lied."Copy !req
457. But actually,
the truth was better.Copy !req
458. Figures.Copy !req
459. I liked the flowers.Copy !req
460. You liked them?
I guess so.Copy !req
461. I know that doesn't seem
like much of an apologyCopy !req
462. after everything
that's happened,Copy !req
463. but here's what
she really meant to say...Copy !req
464. Baby, I am
so proud of you.Copy !req
465. I know.Copy !req
466. You are doing
a wonderful job.Copy !req
467. I know!Copy !req
468. I wish my no-good son
would stand up for meCopy !req
469. the way your son
stood up for you.
I know!Copy !req
470. And your father—
Oh, he would be so proud of you.Copy !req
471. I know!Copy !req
472. Well, Mama,
why are you so damn mean?Copy !req
473. I don't know.Copy !req
474. And baby, your hair,
it don't stink.Copy !req
475. I know.Copy !req
476. See you around.Copy !req
477. Take care, Mama.Copy !req
478. That's all of it.Copy !req
479. Oh, thank you, baby.Copy !req
480. I'm really going
to miss him, Mom.Copy !req
481. Me too, Chris.
Me too.Copy !req
482. Chris, get in here
and pick up this yo-yo!Copy !req
483. My father died,
for goodness sake,Copy !req
484. and now you're trying
to kill me too!Copy !req