Everybody Hates Chris 1x13

Directed by Linda Mendoza

Travis T. Flory as Joey Caruso • Nichelle Hines as Mrs. Dumas • Lynda Scarlino as Mrs. Milone • Steve Paymer as Ralphie • Les Bartok as Undercover Cop

Chris tries to put together the right outfit for the school pictures in order to convince the other kids that he's cool. Rochelle tries to earn extra money selling cosmetics from home.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Of all the things in school

2. that could affect your life forever,

3. making friends, taking tests,

4. the one thing that could really affect it

5. was your school picture.

6. If your picture looked good,

7. everybody thought you were cool,

8. and every girl wanted one.

9. I got one!

10. Ladies, ladies, please.

11. I'm signing as fast as I can.

12. Chris only has one hand.

13. When you took a bad picture, it was like giving out subpoenas.

14. Hey, I got some yearbook pictures.

15. Five by sevens, five by sevens.

16. Wallet size. Hey, I'll frame it up for you.

17. I will frame it up for you.

18. So this year I had to prepare,

19. and the first thing I had to do

20. was find the right outfit.

21. I really wanted to look good.

22. The problem was, my mother wanted me to look good too.

23. Chris,

24. I got your outfit for picture day.

25. Only thing missing was a hat with a propeller.

26. Oh, Chris, you look sharp.

27. I look stupid.

28. How come I have to wear Drew's old stuff?

29. Oh, baby, I had to buy Drew a new pair of pants

30. and Tonya a new pair of shoes for their school pictures.

31. What's wrong? You look fine.

32. My father thought any clothes were good clothes

33. Well, that's 'cause he didn't have matching socks

34. till he was 29. I look like an idiot.

35. Baby, you do not look like an idiot to me.

36. That'd be great if I was two.

37. Well, can I please wear something else?

38. Long as I don't have to pay for it.

39. Just find something to wear

40. and I'll take a look at it, okay?

41. I don't have anything special.

42. When I was a kid, we didn't need special clothes.

43. Just having clothes was special.

44. The only way I was gonna get my mother to spend money on me

45. was if not doing it would embarrass her.

46. Mom, I'm the only black kid in the whole school.

47. They already think I'm a crack baby.

48. Wearing this sweater, they'll probably think I'm on welfare.

49. Who said we were on welfare?

50. Be home from school on time tomorrow.

51. We're gonna go shopping.

52. I thought you said we didn't have the money.

53. Oh, I'll get it.

54. Or they'll think that we on welfare.

55. If people thought we were homeless,

56. I could've got some leather socks.

57. When my mother couldn't get any business to hire her,

58. she would start her own business from home.

59. The secret to success in selling Yvonne cosmetics

60. is in attitude.

61. Now, when I started selling Yvonne,

62. I was like a lot of you.

63. I was raising my kids, doing housework

64. and wondering where I went wrong. But since,

65. I've divorced my husband, my kids moved in with my mother,

66. and just last month I won an award:

67. the Yvonne yellow Buick Riviera.

68. Wait. So how can we make money again?

69. Well, you do like me.

70. You sell your products to women like yourself,

71. then they sell them to women like them.

72. Now, isn't that the pyramid scheme?

73. Oh, no. Of course not.

74. We use the triangulated vertical integration model,

75. or TVI for short.

76. TVIs work from the bottom up.

77. This is your business, ladies.

78. There is no one below you.

79. So that means we're at the top.

80. No, you're at the bottom.

81. But that's as high as you can go.

82. Count me in.

83. Me too. Yeah, girl.

84. We're gonna make some money.

85. While my mother was keeping it together,

86. Tonya was tearing things apart.

87. You broke my car? It fell.

88. It didn't just fall.

89. What were you doing in here anyway?

90. I was trying to see if my doll could ride in it.

91. It's a model car.

92. Nobody's supposed to fit in it.

93. It's just a stupid car, Drew.

94. Say you're sorry. I ain't saying nothing.

95. Drew was a pretty nice guy, but if you crossed him,

96. it was a whole different game. It's all right.

97. You done messed up.

98. What's all this?

99. Yvonne cosmetics.

100. I'm gonna be a sales rep.

101. You're not working from home again, are you?

102. My father hated when my mother

103. went into business for herself.

104. I know it's January, sir,

105. but candy corn is not just for Halloween anymore.

106. She ran up the phone bill.

107. She put my father to work.

108. What you mean you got to put it together yourself?

109. Shh! What size shoe you wear?

110. And she was always eating.

111. Well, Supperware is just like Tupperware,

112. except it's for us.

113. How much does all of this cost?

114. $75.

115. Where'd you get $75?

116. From our savings account.

117. How are we supposed to save if you keep taking money out?

118. I need money to buy a new outfit for Chris's picture day.

119. But if you don't think that I can do it, then fine.

120. How come you're always putting me down?

121. It's not that. I—

122. I just don't want all these women hanging out over here,

123. running their mouth, eating our food and wasting your time.

124. It's not gonna be a waste of time.

125. All right.

126. Meanwhile, Drew was getting revenge,

127. and Tonya couldn't tell how.

128. What are you doing in my room?

129. Are you gonna say sorry? Okay. No.

130. That's the same thing Martha Stewart said

131. before they sent her to jail.

132. What happened to your hair?

133. I wanted to try something new for picture day.

134. Man, you should try again.

135. Come on, man, it's like Billy Idol.

136. It's just hair gel. Yeah, but on picture day,

137. aren't you supposed to look like...

138. I don't know... You?

139. It was either this or Boy George.

140. Boy George? Man, the girls would have been all over you.

141. What about for your picture? You do anything special?

142. My mom's taking me shopping for a new outfit.

143. Get out. What are you gonna get? I don't know.

144. Anything that does not have a big red fire truck on it.

145. Nice hair. You waiting for a white wedding?

146. Those guys are losers.

147. You should have seen Greg on picture day

148. after he started listening to ZZ Top.

149. Irwin's was our neighborhood clothing store.

150. Before rappers had clothing lines,

151. you can get an outfit for under $40.

152. Welcome to Irwin's.

153. Thank you. Uh, we're looking for an outfit.

154. With the right outfit, you can beat any charge.

155. I'm not charged with anything.

156. We're just looking for an outfit for his school pictures.

157. Oh, oh. Okay, good.

158. Stay in school, kid. It'll keep you out of jail.

159. Yeah, that and not breaking the law.

160. Come here. You know what good clothes look like? Please.

161. It's okay. You don't like that?

162. Mom. No.

163. Put it back.

164. To find the perfect outfit for picture day,

165. I tried out all kinds of looks.

166. The Isaac Hayes look.

167. The Don King look.

168. The Rerun.

169. Boy, get in there.

170. Thurston Howell III.

171. And finally, the "Please, Mama, can I have it?"

172. We got Chris a new outfit for his school picture.

173. It's so cool. I have a suede-front shirt.

174. You got Chris a suede shirt?

175. I don't even have suede shoes.

176. How much does a suede shirt cost?

177. Don't worry, Julius. I'll pay for it out of my Yvonne money.

178. You sold all that stuff already?

179. I'm having a party tomorrow.

180. You're having a party? Wish I was having a party.

181. So Tonya, I was trying to put your outfit together

182. for your school picture, and I was only able to find one shoe.

183. Where's your other shoe? Huh?

184. Your shoes. Your brand-new pair of shoes.

185. One is missing. Where's the other one?

186. Wish I could afford to lose a shoe.

187. Drew took it.

188. No, I didn't.

189. The only way Tonya could tell on Drew

190. was if she told on herself.

191. So she had a choice to make,

192. and it kinda made her feel like this...

193. You're a low-down lying Yankee.

194. Prove it.

195. Why would Drew take your shoe? I don't know.

196. Wish I could afford to not know stuff.

197. Well, you need to stop lying on people and find your shoe.

198. It was only a few times at my school

199. that I actually felt good. Now, the day I showed up

200. in a suede-front shirt, that was one of them.

201. Yo, what's that? Suede.

202. Greg's look went from Billy Idol

203. to his other idol, Pat Riley.

204. Hey, Chris.

205. Hey, Huggy Bear. Nice shirt. When you get done,

206. you can make some hushpuppies out of it.

207. He's just jealous.

208. I had never had another kid feel jealous of me before.

209. It felt kind of cool. And then this happened.

210. My clothes are gone.

211. Oh, man, they're taking pictures next period.

212. Don't you think I know that?

213. What's wrong, Scatman? Where'd you put my clothes?

214. I don't know what you're talking about.

215. You do know what I'm talking about.

216. You stole my clothes.

217. Did you see me steal your clothes?

218. Maybe you lost them.

219. Well, maybe your mama lost them. What?

220. That shirt cost $35, and I want it back.

221. I don't have it, Nipsy.

222. We gone see about that.

223. I knew Caruso would never give me back my clothes

224. unless I proved I was willing to do what I needed to do.

225. So I told on him. He stole my clothes.

226. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

227. Mrs. Malone was the school's assistant principal.

228. She was promoted to the position after proving the only

229. thing she hated more than kids was working with kids.

230. Stop it. Both of you.

231. I don't have time for this.

232. If you stole his clothes, give them back now.

233. I didn't.

234. See?

235. Told you.

236. I don't like liars, young man.

237. Lie to me again,

238. that's detention. I wonder what

239. I would have gotten if I'd stomped on her big toe.

240. I can't take my pictures in this.

241. You might not have to. Come on.

242. My mother was good at buying stuff,

243. but she was never any good at selling.

244. Okay, ladies, can I have your attention, please?

245. These women are worse than pigeons in Central Park.

246. Wait, 'cause that's the last one.

247. Ladies, can I have your attention, please?

248. I think I'm going to stick with these right here.

249. Um, ladies, how about we all have a seat?

250. Here, in here, please.

251. Take a seat. Thank you.

252. Please, be seated.

253. Okay, I would like to tell you about the benefits

254. of buying and selling Yvonne cosmetics.

255. Ooh, what is that?

256. Oh, this is a light skin-blemish cream. It removes—

257. No, no, no, I'm talking about the sauce on these wings.

258. Oh, those are honey barbecue.

259. Yes. So, um...

260. Ooh, these are good.

261. I mean, good.

262. Thank you very much, I appreciate that.

263. So getting back to the cosmetic line,

264. what we need to do, ladies, is position ourselves—

265. What's your name again?

266. My name is Rochelle.

267. Rochelle. With Yvonne cosmetics,

268. you need to position yourself

269. in order to... You know what?

270. Mmm. I am late. I have got to go pick up my sister's son.

271. I am so...

272. Ooh, but this is really nice. It really was.

273. But wait, I didn't explain to you

274. the marketing strategy for Yvonne cosmetics.

275. You know what, we-we'll come back again next time.

276. All right, then. You know, I'm sorry. You know what?

277. I got to go too. I know, I know, I'm so sorry.

278. I gotta go. It's getting late.

279. You so sweet. God bless

280. your little heart, you're just as cute as you can be.

281. I, uh... You too? I...

282. This was great.

283. Let us know when you want to do it again.

284. They ran out of there like

285. Keith Sweat tickets were on sale.

286. How y'all just going to—?

287. Spent all this money!

288. They ate all this?

289. If you say, "I told you so,"

290. they might be the last words you ever say.

291. That's not what I was going to say.

292. Oh, it's not? No.

293. Oh.

294. Well, what were you going to say?

295. You need to get it together.

296. What? I put $75 into this,

297. so as far as I'm concerned, that makes us partners.

298. And I want my money back.

299. You think people are just going to buy this junk?

300. Look, I tried to give my speech, Julius.

301. Nobody cares about that.

302. This is makeup, it's not heat,

303. it's not lights, it's not clothes.

304. I don't know how you're going to sell this stuff.

305. But either you gonna get my money,

306. or I'm gonna get my money.

307. Now, how are you going to get your money?

308. I don't know, but I'm gonna get my money.

309. You've got to be kidding me.

310. What choice do you have?

311. My mother spent $35 on a new shirt for me to wear.

312. I can't take a picture in lost and found clothes.

313. What'd you spend on the pictures, $15?

314. Oh, she's gonna kill me.

315. You'd better take this picture.

316. At least she'll have something to remember you by.

317. The only thing Greg was worse at

318. than fighting was cheering people up.

319. It's not suede, but it's not bad.

320. If I had known kids were losing clothes this cool,

321. I would never have gone shopping in the first place.

322. Thank you. Thank you.

323. All right, go ahead and take a spot

324. back by the girl in the pink in the back row.

325. And you can sit right here, buddy.

326. This looks like the educated Wu Tang Clan.

327. All right,

328. smile. One, two...

329. Hold on one second.

330. Chris, will you step into the hallway?

331. Go ahead. We'll wait.

332. What's going on?

333. He stole my shoes. That's my sweater.

334. That's my shirt. Those are my pants.

335. How the hell did he get home with no pants?

336. I didn't steal them. I got them from the lost and found.

337. Did you lose them? No.

338. Then you can't find them.

339. You'd better find something to wear.

340. You can't take a picture in your underwear.

341. I guess nobody ever told Prince that.

342. Where'd you get that?

343. Drama department.

344. I felt better in my underwear.

345. Just stay back here. Nobody will notice you.

346. Hey, kid, can you kind of slide over some?

347. Who, me? Yeah, you.

348. Nah, it's no good.

349. You know what? Just come up front.

350. I'd rather stay back here.

351. Come on. Your mother will be able to see you

352. and you won't be lost in the back row.

353. My day was going bad, but my mother's was going worse.

354. Ladies? Ladies, can I—? Can I please get your attention?

355. Ooh, Rochelle, this was just great.

356. Um, I gotta go, but, uh, let me know

357. when you're gonna do this—

358. Oh, no, no, no, no! You are not leaving! Sit down!

359. Oh! You too. Sit down.

360. We do not appreciate being talked to like this.

361. Shut up!

362. Now I brought you here to sell some Evonne,

363. and by damn it, I'm going to sell some Evonne.

364. Rochelle, that is not the way we sellYvonne.

365. Be quiet.

366. Now let me ask y'all a question.

367. Why are you here?

368. To buy and sell Yvonne? No.

369. You're here because you can't get a man.

370. We're here because we don't need a man.

371. Didn't I tell you to be quiet?

372. What?

373. Now, I know y'all say y'all don't want a man,

374. and I know you say you don't need a man,

375. but the truth is, you can't get a man.

376. What you talking about, Willis?

377. Look at her.

378. You don't think she don't want a man?

379. Why do you think she wears all this makeup?

380. Believe or not, the heifer's 62 years old.

381. But she looks good.

382. And if you want to look like this when you're 62,

383. I suggest that you purchase some Yvonne.

384. Get your wallet. Come on, baby. Please come.

385. Come here 'cause I saw the dry scalp from across the room.

386. And you know what? You gotta get this skin lighter here.

387. You know, it's always ashy. No, let me tell you.

388. You gotta put it on your hands.

389. Thank you so much. It was great having you.

390. Girl, stop stealing crackers.

391. Take care. All right now.

392. All right, girl, no more chicken.

393. All right, take care of that little boy.

394. I have to tell you

395. I've never seen anything like this in my life.

396. You know what we should do next?

397. We should schedule another party,

398. but this time, let's do it at my house.

399. Okay. But-but, I still want you to bring the chicken.

400. Well, you know what? That sounds really good.

401. Great. When do you want to do it?

402. On your 63rd birthday.

403. Hey, is that my money?

404. This is your money. This is my money.

405. Women say that in divorce court every day.

406. You're blocking my light.

407. Drew, do you have my shoe?

408. I don't know what you're talking about.

409. Tonya, why you in here fooling around?

410. You have a picture to take tomorrow.

411. You need to be looking for the other shoe.

412. Now!

413. I'm sorry.

414. What? I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?

415. Drew was never the type to take advantage of people,

416. but Tonya had it coming, so he was gonna give it to her.

417. I said I'm sorry.

418. Sorry for what?

419. Come on, Drew, dang.

420. I don't know what you're talking about, Tonya.

421. I'm sorry for breaking your car,

422. and I won't mess with your stuff anymore.

423. And you'll stay out of our room?

424. Yes.

425. Good.

426. Now give me my shoe back.

427. I don't have your shoe.

428. All he wanted was to see her crawl.

429. Tonya.

430. Here.

431. Thanks.

432. Three hours later, Tonya set his Voltron robot on fire.

433. Oh, Julius! look at your baby girl.

434. She's so... She looks so good!

435. Look at my handsome man!

436. Oh, you are just too fine for words.

437. Look at him, Julius.

438. Look at that, how cute he is. Aw, man, so handsome.

439. Chris, where's your pictures?

440. I hadn't told my mother about the school picture.

441. But when they arrived, I had no choice.

442. Now, before you look at the picture,

443. I have to tell you something.

444. What?

445. Somebody stole my clothes.

446. Somebody stole your clothes?

447. Why in the world would somebody steal your clothes, boy?

448. I got one!

449. Ladies, ladies, please, I'm signing as fast as I can.

450. Doyle only has one hand.

451. I don't think you're gonna like them.

452. Chris, even if I don't like the pictures,

453. it's not the end of the world.

454. You are a handsome young man,

455. and I love you either way, baby, okay?

456. It cannot be that bad.

457. Every now and again, my mother made me feel

458. like I wasn't the biggest nerd in the world.

459. And for a moment, I actually felt

460. like the picture didn't matter.

461. A lawn jockey?

462. You took your pictures dressed as a lawn jockey?

463. What, they've run out of monkey suits?

464. Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.