Eastbound & Down 3x5

Directed by Jody Hill

Ike Barinholtz as Ivan Dochenko • Alisa Harris as Brenda • Don Johnson as Eduardo Sanchez • Erick Chavarria as Casper • Alex ter Avest as Andrea

Kenny gets surprise visitors, and tries to regain control of the team by throwing the mother of all Fourth of July parties. Meanwhile, Stevie frets over delivering bad news to Maria.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Don't be a goddamn cowboy when we go in there.

2. We go In, we get the shit, we get out, okay?

3. I won't be a fucking cowboy.

4. Casper...

5. I love you.

6. Hey, uh, sir'?

7. You have to pay for that stuff! Hey!

8. - Run. - Hey, hey, stop!

9. Stop those guys! Security! Security!

10. Hey, grab yourself a churro. Ha, ha, ha!

11. FUCK you!

12. Hey!

13. Stop it!

14. Suck my dick, skinny. Ha-ha-ha!

15. Hello. Room service. I'm a Chinese man.

16. Oh. Psych. That wasn't funny, Chang.

17. What are you doing, Kenny?

18. Andrea, I'm at a very important point in my life right now.

19. At a crossroads, if you wiH.

20. Now that Shane is dead, it's time, indeed...

21. that we all move on to the next phase of our lives.

22. Adulthood. We're not kids anymore.

23. - We're in college now. - Okay.

24. I want to make amends with you. Will you come here for one second?

25. It's okay. I'm a grown-up now. I want to make amends to you.

26. I know that I hurt your feelings with some insensitive jokes about Shane and...

27. Why don't you stand on this side of me, real quick?

28. What I did to Kate earlier...

29. when I brought Shane's twin brother here...

30. that wasn't a nice thing to do.

31. No, It wasn't. Kate, I'm really sorry for what I did to you...

32. and how I upset you and gave you an asthma attack.

33. Thank you.

34. And I'm also sorry for positioning you right here...

35. to be the punch line of my T-shirt.

36. That's not funny, okay? Nobody laugh at this.

37. Chang, it's not fucking funny.

38. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

39. It's time we grow up, okay?

40. - It's time we grow up. - Yeah.

41. Don't laugh. It's not funny.

42. Still foHows her. Andrea.

43. I think it's time you finaHy meet my son.

44. When am I gonna meet him?

45. Right fucking now.

46. - He's here? - Oh, yeah. He's fight—

47. He's... TQIJY?

48. Toby.

49. Hey, hey. Hey, hey, where you going? Where you going?

50. Toby, I'd like you to meet your new mother figure, Andrea.

51. Andrea, this is Toby.

52. He's a fucking baby. And he's my son.

53. Come here, take him.

54. Go and take him. Babies are made chubby...

55. so if you drop them when they're Httle, they don't break.

56. - Hey, baby dude. - Look at us, huh?

57. Two mature adu\ts, guys.

58. With a goddamn baby.

59. Hey. What's up, players? Anybody sitting in this chair?

60. - Yeah, Corey just left— - He just walked—

61. Oh, Corey'? Well, Corey's gonna nave to find a new seat. Ha, ha.

62. Know what I'm saying? Because I'm taking his shit.

63. Yeah, I fucking love Chick-fil-A.

64. What's shaking? How's everybody?

65. - Good, man. - Yeah?

66. Mustache's looking tight, Pliskin.

67. Looking good. I wanted to tip my Mermen boys...

68. off to the situation for the Fourth of July.

69. Looks like your favorite star player-slash-team leader...

70. is hosting the biggest, baddest, most patriotic throwdown in town.

71. All of Myrtle Beach elite is gonna be there, and guess what.

72. All you motherfuckers are invited.

73. Except for Ivan. Because he's Russian.

74. Why invite him to America's birthday?

75. It's like inviting a Jew to Christmas.

76. You don't believe; you don't get fucking presents.

77. No, that's actually cool. lvan's got his own thing going on, right?

78. - Yeah, no, it's no big deal. - What are you doing? Tell him.

79. No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

80. Oh, please, Ivan, lift the Iron Curtain and let me in on your secret.

81. - Like I give a shit. - Weil, Club Celebrations is paying Ivan...

82. to DJ this Fourth of July party. It's supposed to be insane.

83. - Club Celebrations? - Yes.

84. - On the Fourth of July; - Cash money, bro.

85. Why the fuck would they do that? You're Russian.

86. Why would they get a Russian person to host a goddamn party...

87. on our nation's birthday?

88. Because I'm top DJ?

89. "Top DJ?"

90. [IN NORMAL VOICE[ Ha, ha, ha. This fucking guy, right?

91. No, I think this dude's about to find out that Americans on the Fourth of July...

92. do not want to be stuffed into a club...

93. raving out to the sounds of goddamn DJ Communism.

94. - DJ Blu-ray. - Yeah, and Tm Lenny Laser Discs.

95. - It doesn't really fucking matter, okay? - You know, we have saying in Russia:

96. "The wo\f pack, the alpha thinks he is the alpha...

97. but sometimes he is actually the zeta."

98. Well, sometimes in a pack of wolves, there's sometimes a Russian.

99. And that when the wolves find out that he's Russian...

100. they tear his fucking ass apart.

101. Pull it in here, Mermen.

102. That's right. Nope, nope. That's right.

103. Boom.

104. Position confirmed. Team leader still.

105. Is this the home of the mighty Merrhen?

106. Where my son is the goddamn star player for?

107. What the fuck are you doing here?

108. Well, I thought you...

109. You'd be a little happy to see me and your brother. Go on.

110. - Don't come over here and touch- - Get over there. Hug him up.

111. - God, get the fuck off of me. Gross. - Hey, hey, hey, setfie down, settle down.

112. Hairy, disgusting thing.

113. We're passing through on a little business...

114. wand we thought maybe we could catch up.

115. I'm not interested in catching up with backstabbers and betrayers.

116. - So have a nice trip. - I'm gonna shoot you straight.

117. Since the last time I saw you, shit ain't been going so not.

118. Been some dark months.

119. - Good. - I had to ask myself...

120. when did It all get so fucked up?

121. And I traced it all the way back to when I walked out on your mom.

122. I'm hereto win her back.

123. Heh, heh. Win her back?

124. WeH, we ain't been so good about keeping up over the years.

125. And I've misplaced her mailing address.

126. Maybe you can give it to me?

127. You have lost your fucking mind.

128. I don't see you for 27 years, Tn Mexico you had me thrown in jail...

129. now you come back, you want me to he\p you fuck my mom?

130. That's all I'm asking.

131. Come on, Kenny. Everybody deserves a second chance.

132. Yeah, except for you and that baby gorilla over there.

133. As far as I'm concerned...

134. both of you can KOA the fucking night away in that RV.

135. I ain't helping you.

136. This venue is fucking fantastic. This is great.

137. We'll put the nitrous station here. we'll throw the stage there.

138. We're gonna need a nice area to display the prostitutes.

139. - You writing all this stuff down, Steven? - What?

140. - Are you writing this down? - Oh, uh...

141. Sorry, my head's elsewhere, I guess.

142. Would you excuse us for one moment?

143. Steven. Dude. I need you to fucking focus, all right?

144. This Russian's trying to "ur-sup" me as the goddamn team leader.

145. If that shit happens, I can kiss the majors goodbye, okay?

146. This is when you give me positive reinforcement.

147. What the fuck is going on with you, Stevie?

148. I fucking did it.

149. - Whafd you do, murder somebody? - I fucking cheated on Maria.

150. What? How the fuck did you do that?

151. Since I came here, all I wanted to do was stick my dick in different pussies.

152. Then the moment I did, I get fucking guilt-ridden...

153. - ... and I feel terrible. - Of course you do...

154. "because you're not someone who's out out to cheat.

155. You're not emotionaHy equipped. What the fuck are you doing, man?

156. - I fucking cheated on her! - Stevie, stop it, get ahold of yourself, okay?

157. There are bigger things at stake than your marriage.

158. I can't have you guys going through some drama during my party.

159. I don't wanna fuck up your party, but I need to fucking tell her.

160. Stevie, you do not fucking tell her anything, all right?

161. That will only make shit worse. Put it inside, handie it like a baller...

162. take the shit to the grave.

163. Handle it like a baller.

164. - And now believe that shit. - I'm not gonna tell her.

165. ChiH, dog. Fucking pat yourself on the back.

166. You got your dick wet. I didn't even see that coming.

167. Iersl“

168. WeWI go ahead and take this. It's awesome.

169. My associate here will get you the deposit.

170. What in the F?

171. Well, hello to you too, Kenny.

172. How did you two find out where I live?

173. Well, we just used computers, and...

174. I don't care how you found out, I don't want you here.

175. I don't want you having a goddamn Cool Ranch Dorito and Cheetos party...

176. in front of my oceanfront villa, all right?

177. Oceanfront villa, that's a good one.

178. What is so funny? Don't make fun of my home.

179. That's not a home, Kenny, that's a short-term, low-end beachfront rental.

180. Casper, don't \augh. You don't even own property, motherfucker.

181. Look, son. We need one favor.

182. Casper needs to use your bathroom. It's an emergency.

183. I don't want guests taking shits in my bathroom.

184. - What is it, a one or a two? - Gotta empty my butt.

185. - Nope, then we're not doing it. - No, no, he just has to go number one.

186. He said he has to empty his butt. That's taking a shit.

187. He just got to this country. He doesn't know the difference.

188. Yeah, gotta do a number one.

189. You are really taking advantage of my Christian hospitality.

190. - Thank you. - You're evil.

191. You can use the bathroom, but only for number ones.

192. No number twos. I see what you feed this motherfucker, and it's disgusting.

193. Casper, the bathroom is down the haH right down here.

194. I guess the feeling went away.

195. Casper! Do not mess with these, they're all alphabetized.

196. - Don't touch my Criterions. - Come on, Kenny.

197. Just give me your mama's mailing address. Where do you keep it?

198. I'm not helping you. I already told you.

199. Maria! My son is screaming, will you please tend to him?

200. Hold on.

201. Are you telling me I'm a goddamn granddaddy?

202. That's amazing.

203. Come here, you sweet little thing. Say hello to your granddaddy.

204. No reason to say hi to him.

205. This man's a child molester. He's to be nowhere near the baby.

206. I'm not a child molester.

207. He is. He has fucked a bunch of little boys.

208. He's the devil, fuck him, take Toby and have. Bye.

209. Come on, Kenny, you can't keep a granddaddy away from his grandbaby.

210. This is what happens when you betray me. You get iced the fuck out.

211. Now, you and shlt-for-brains hit the fucking tracks...

212. - ... or I'm calling the poHce. - No need for that. Casper.

213. Come on, we are not welcome here.

214. You're not taking that. Leave. Go. Goodbye. Adios.

215. Nothing.

216. You're just so beautiful.

217. There's something I need to talk to you about.

218. Something I need to get off my chest.

219. Sorry.

220. - What you want to say? - Uh...

221. Nothing. Just that I love you.

222. I love you too.

223. I cheated on you.

224. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

225. No.

226. No, that's not right. I did cheat on you.

227. For real. I had sex with another girl.

228. It was, uh...

229. Maria?

230. Maria?

231. I... I don't know" Maria?

232. No, Maria.

233. - No, Maria, wait, wait! - No!

234. - No! - Wait, Maria, wait.

235. Wait, Maria, please, stop!

236. Wait!

237. Maria! Wait!

238. We got them, Shane.

239. This party's gonna put us right back on top.

240. All our plans are coming together.

241. Destroy Ivan, kill the playoffs...

242. wand take the fucking majors by storm.

243. Then your ghost can take my fastballs and make them do loop-de-loops...

244. like Angels in the Outfield.

245. I miss you, buddy.

246. Wish you were here to see all of our dreams coming true.

247. Hey! Back the fuck u— Back up, dog.

248. Well, hello there, Kenny.

249. - What the fuck are you doing with my son? - Nothing. I'm just spending...

250. - ... a little quality tlme with the little guy. - No. You do not touch my son.

251. Come here, Toby. Toby, come here. Take that bottle.

252. Nope. He's my son, you're not touching him.

253. - Where the fuck is Maria? - She's gone. She ran out of here...

254. wand Stevie chased off after her.

255. - Apparently they had some kind of fight. - Fight? Jesus Christ!

256. What am I supposed to do now? They're supposed to watch the kid.

257. This is my party tonight! It's supposed to be my special night!

258. If I'm not the man, and I gotta take a kid to the party...

259. everyone's gonna think I'm fucking dumb! Everyone was supposed to like me tonight!

260. God, it's all ruined! My life is over! It's over!

261. Come on, son.

262. You don't have to be so upset.

263. - Go away from me. - Get your head out of the couch.

264. - No. - Kenny, I can look after the kid.

265. Fuck that. I'd rather throw him down a goddamn well.

266. What the fuck? I— What do you think?

267. This is my“ He's my grandson.

268. Come on.

269. You deserve a fun night. You've been working so hard lately.

270. This party's just very important to rne.

271. Maybe this is a way I can help you...

272. and earn back some of your trust at the same time.

273. This is against my betterjudgment, but fine. All right, fine.

274. You can watch the kid, but don't leave. Stay here. Don't trade him for cigarettes...

275. or damage him psychologically, or any other fucked-up stuff you can do...

276. - ... when left alone with a child. - Got it.

277. Now, you go get fucked up and fem good about yourself, son.

278. I know, Shane. I know.

279. Americans!

280. Are you ready to get fucked up with the team leader?

281. Casper, what the hell are you doing in the VIP?

282. - No. - Sorry.

283. Where's everybody" at? Hiding underneath the; tables?“?

284. Y'all can come out now, I'm here!

285. Come out. That's odd.

286. Suppose everyone's decided to come fashionably late.

287. I don't know. Maybe they're at work.

288. It's the Fourth of July, dude. They're not at fucking work.

289. - Are you gonna be okay? - Yes, I'm gonna be okay.

290. It's the party of the century. I just need to have a drTnk...

291. and wait for everyone to arrive.

292. It's a party! P\ay some fucking music. Thank you.

293. What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

294. - Beating you. - Don't do that, don't take that. Don't—

295. He)', fuck you!

296. Happy Fourth of July! Whom!

297. Let's give It up for DJ Blu-ray!

298. Yeah!

299. Yeah! Nobody spins...

300. that gay-ass rave music as good as him. You really are the best, man.

301. Fucking hats off. Hats off to you.

302. - Andrea? - Hey, Kenny.

303. What the fuck are you doing here? You mTssed my grand entrance.

304. I tried. My friends wanted to come here instead.

305. Jesus Christ.

306. How could you do me like; this?” You met my sony,

307. I'm sorry, Kenny.

308. You know what? As soon as this party's over...

309. yc>u should go fucking on Facebook...

310. and change your relationship status to fucking "dumped."

311. Because that shit just happened right now.

312. I'll be by your dorm room later to pick up my shit.

313. For those of you who don't know, which I'm assuming is most of you...

314. for those of you who do know about this, go fuck yourself, teammates...

315. I am hosting a competing party at the beach, right now...

316. wand I can promise you that you will have...

317. all the awesome drugs you have here...

318. plus more, plus fucking fireworks.

319. So who's with me, huh? Who wants to get up out this piece...

320. and come party and celebrate our nation's birthday...

321. with Kenny fucking Powers?

322. Myrtle Beach, let me hear you make some noise!

323. Coming through. Look out.

324. Okay. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Easy. Easy, all right? I can take a hint.

325. These people have been asshohes. I don't wanna party here.

326. Fucking get off of me, thank you. Fuck this party.

327. Whatever.

328. Fuck Kenny Powers!

329. - Hey, Dad. - Hey.

330. You look like a shit sausage, boy.

331. - Celebration— - Don't talk about celebrations, Casper.

332. I don't wanna communicate or talk about anything right now.

333. - Where's Toby? - He's sleeping.

334. I am good at listening, though.

335. Sometimes it helps to talk.

336. It would be a disgusting talk.

337. I feel like my life has become Requiem for a Dream...

338. and I have front-row-seat tickets to the ass-to-ass scene.

339. And Toby's the dildo.

340. And I'm both assholes.

341. Let me ask you a question, son.

342. How were things going before you-know-who came along?

343. Fucking awesome, I guess.

344. You feel like you're over-extended? Like it's impossible to be a dad...

345. and worry about your career all at the same time?

346. Yes. I mean it's like a fucking juggling act.

347. Feel like there's no way that you can go...

348. and do all the great things that you're destined to do...

349. because your family's holding you back.

350. Maybe you ought to think about leaving him...

351. with someone that would love him like their own...

352. so you can go out and be you.

353. You're talking about ieave Toby at a fire station or something?

354. No. I'm not a monster.

355. He's not a fucking monster, Kenny.

356. I'm talking about leaving him with someone that would love him like a son.

357. Someone like your mother.

358. Think about the majors, son.

359. Hey, Stevie. Did you get cancer?

360. Happy fucking Fourth of July.

361. Ten Pin Alley.

362. Mm-hm.

363. Hold on.

364. Come on, Betti.

365. - Powers. Phone call. - Who is it?

366. Says it's your son. Says his name's Kenny Powers?

367. Oh!

368. Damn it! Motherfucker!

369. Son of a bitch! Cocksucker! Jesus H. Christ. Fuck me.

370. Sandy, I took the Lord's name in vain. I'm sorry, honey. How are you today?