1. This is fucking epic.
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2. I never thought I'd be in Myrtle Beach
with Kenny fucking Powers.
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3. Oh.
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4. Oh, uh, hey, why don't you
help unpack the boxes?
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5. I'm gonna go look for Kenny, okay?
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6. - Okay.
- Okay. Love you. Love you.
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7. Whoo!
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8. Kenny. I fucking made it.
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9. You shredded.
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10. Surf's motherfucking up, nigga.
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11. Let's take it down a notch, Stevie.
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12. There's lots of pussy at the beach.
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13. Yeah, dog, that's how I do.
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14. Excuse me.
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15. Yeah. I fucking made it, dude.
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16. Hey, will you hit me
with my towel real quick?
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17. - Oh, hello, sir.
- Yep. I put Toby in that hole...
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18. so no one would kidnap him.
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19. - That's smart.
- Parenting skills.
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20. I don't know, uh,
if you've been working out...
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21. - ... your body's looking good.
- Yeah.
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22. It's these waves. It tightens
everything up in the core.
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23. - Oh, nice, man.
- Whoa!
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24. You see me fucking dominate
that Wave, Powers?
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25. - Straight owning it, Shane.
- Unh! You know it.
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26. - Top Gun, I'm Tom Cruise, heh.
- I'm Tom, heh.
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27. - Who's this person?
- Who am I?
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28. The guy who's about to whip your ass...
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29. for getting my truck shot
with a cannonball.
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30. Oh, oh, oh!
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31. He boned you.
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32. I'm just fucking with you.
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33. - This is Shane. My best friend.
- That's right. Yeah.
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34. - Best friends? Really?
- Yeah.
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35. It's really good meeting you. Oh.
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36. - Burned him twice.
- Twice.
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37. - He's at the beach.
- Whoo, whom, whoo!
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38. - He's in the ocean.
- Heh.
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39. I'm gonna need you two
to hit the ground running.
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40. We're gonna have to unfortunately convert
the dojo into Toby's room.
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41. I'm gonna need you
to baby-proof this up...
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42. stash the weapons,
make it kid-friendly.
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43. You two will use my computer
research lab as your sleeping chambers.
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44. There is a bed for each of you.
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45. Separate beds. Got It.
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46. So my bedroom is at the end of the hall.
Strictly off-limits.
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47. In fact, I need you to go get a deadbolt.
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48. I'm gonna lock that up. Are we clear?
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49. Yes, crystal clean Um, and now, uh—
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50. What the fuck are you
two whispering about?
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51. In order to avoid
some of the behavioral issues...
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52. that have occurred in the past...
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53. uh, Maria thought it would be a good
idea if I lay down some ground rules.
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54. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
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55. No, I'm" I'm not kidding. Uh...
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56. "Rules for new relationship...
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57. - ... with Kenny Powers.
- Heh.
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58. It is important for us to share
a mutual respect for one another.
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59. It's not healthy for me to put you
on a pedestal, or put you above me...
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60. or think about how a world without you
wouldn't even be a world worth living in."
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61. - What, are you about to cry?
- No. No, no, no.
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62. - Okay.
- Huh!
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63. "I will also no longer“ I will also
no longer be able to loan you...
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64. large sums of money."
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65. Whoa, whoa, what about
in case of emergency?
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66. No. No, no, no.
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67. Well, in the case of an emergency?
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68. Like, what if I was at a store
and I found...
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69. - ... a shirt I was gonna wear?
- That might qualify.
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70. You'd probably look
good as hell in that.
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71. Maria.
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72. And finally, "We must, by law...
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73. have the most coolest...
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74. and amazing shit-awesome time
in Myrtle fucking Beach.
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75. And party like the fuck, heh.
Sincerely, Stevie Janowski."
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76. Mm.
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77. All right. Well, there are a shit ton
of fun things to do in Myrtle Beach...
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78. that's for sure.
Let's not forget about Toby, okay?
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79. I mean, you guys are parents now.
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80. And with parenthood
comes certain sacrifices.
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81. A white baby needs care basically 24/7.
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82. - Got it.
- Urn...
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83. He a very handsome baby.
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84. Yeah, he is a handsome baby.
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85. Look Who's
stringing together sentences, huh?
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86. Miss Rules over here, heh.
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87. I got a pretty fucking dope life
here in Myrtle Beach.
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88. I'm not gonna let some handsome,
hot-as-fuck, little child ruin it.
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89. You got that, Toby? Look how
cute he is. I fucking hate him.
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90. The Feeling of Winning Big Time, Dude.
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91. Once upon a time, I believed in destiny
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92. But now I say F that B.
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93. Everything I have in this life,
I earn myself.
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94. There's no cosmic luck deciding
shit for us. My wealth, my fame...
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95. my World Series pennant,
I earned myself.
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96. What I didn't earn myself
was when I caught crabs.
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97. I got those from
sleeping at a Red Roof Inn.
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98. I'm like, "I ain't got cash."
She goes, "Let me give you a hand job.
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99. It'll be on me."Yes, ma'am."
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100. - Oh, nice.
- Celebrity.
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101. - Celebrity. Yeah.
- Celebrity.
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102. What the fuck are you
Satan worshippers looking at?
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103. Texas is here, man.
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104. Six-foot-three, 215 pounds...
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105. Texas.
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106. Barely got peach fuzz
over his pecker, heh.
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107. Nobody else knows about him.
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108. And he ain't got nowhere else to play.
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109. A little help with the ball, please?
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110. - It's me.
- Who's that?
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111. - Just kidding. Psyche your mind.
- Psyche your mind again, it's me.
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112. - Ha, ha.
- Well, if it ain't La Flama fucking Blanca.
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113. - Yeah.
- Straight up from the south side.
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114. How you doing, golden boy?
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115. - I'm just golden, baby, you said the word.
- Mm-hm.
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116. Meanwhile, you're down here
squirting fire like a dragon's pussy.
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117. - You bet your ass I am.
- Don't you think Texas...
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118. ain't nibbling at your huevos, either.
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119. I can feel them. I come home...
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120. and feel like one had a little bite.
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121. - You know who it is. Ha, ha.
- That's you.
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122. Taking a bite.
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123. That's right. How you doing?
You been good?
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124. - What's your name?
- Shane.
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125. - Hey, Shane.
- Shane.
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126. - This is Shane.
- Shane catch your balls?
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127. - Yeah, Shane's the catcher on the team.
- Yeah?
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128. - How you doing?
- I'm good. Give me a second to talk...
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129. - ... to my man Kenny.
- Still driving that Blazer?
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130. So, Kenny, like I said...
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131. - ... things are looking real good for you.
- Uh-huh.
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132. - Out here on the mound.
- Okay.
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133. That's not the reason
that I'm here today. All right?
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134. Have a look on the mound.
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135. Who the fuck is this idiot?
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136. He's from Russia. First name Ivan,
last name, Dochenko.
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137. Asian dude?
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138. Holy crackling shit.
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139. He's already thrown 80 balls today.
Did we clock in at what?
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140. One-oh-two.
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141. One-oh-two.
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142. Where did you find this kid?
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143. The Russians were prepping him to
be their stud coming to the new Olympics.
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144. But baseball got voted out
of the games, and we got him.
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145. With 102, I'd say
he's some kind of fucking prodigy.
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146. Big deal. This fucking Russian ass wipe
can throw 102 at practice...
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147. but can homeboy do that shit
in the heat of a game?
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148. You don't throw 102 in practice.
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149. Because what's the point?
It's fucking practice.
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150. - Walk with me.
- Get your head out of your ass.
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151. Come on, Skip, it's practice.
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152. Ooh! Looking good, Ivan.
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153. Step off the mound a minute,
take a break.
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154. I want you to meet somebody.
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155. Ivan Dochenko, Kenny Powers.
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156. Hello. I've never heard of you before.
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157. I grew up watching you, as a boy.
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158. Don't try to date me, heh,
I ain't that old.
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159. I'm dying to know, how much better
is America than, uh, Russian place?
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160. By "Russian place,"
do you mean Russia the nation?
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161. Yeah.
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162. America's good, you know?
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163. It's like— It's like Russia
in many ways, I feel like.
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164. - You should come and visit sometime.
- Why would I want to go to Russia?
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165. They've been enemies of America
for the longest time.
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166. Not for many years. That's all over now.
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167. That ended back In the '80s almost.
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168. So you think. But the people
in charge don't think that.
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169. You think there's still
conflict between-J
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170. Do I think? I know.
Whatever. Tomato, tomato.
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171. Which one?
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172. What is he talking about?
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173. - You said, "Tomato, tomato."
- We got a little language barrier.
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174. What is going on?
This is what you want me to do?
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175. Play word games with him?
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176. He throws good. Got a language barrier.
I need patience from you.
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177. Hey. Hop up there, stay" loosen,
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178. - Keep throwing the ball.
- Throw ball.
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179. - Take a walk with me.
- Good to meet you.
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180. Your face is— ls big. I like it.
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181. So, what do you think of the kid?
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182. I don't know, Roy.
It seems like he has a big ego.
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183. If there's one thing I've learned, uh,
there is no room for egos in baseball.
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184. That's exactly what I wanna
talk to you about.
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185. Kenny, I want you to be his mentor.
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186. I want you to take that kid
under your wing.
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187. I want you to show him how
a big leaguer does things.
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188. You trying to turn me into
motherfucking Mr. Miyagi?
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189. Mr. Miyagi was a bad motherfucker.
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190. Mr. Miyagi was fucking 4 feet tall
and Chinese.
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191. Man, Tm not trying to do that.
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192. You've never let me down yet, Kenny.
You've been a consummate professional.
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193. Well, Roy, you're asking
a whole lot of me here.
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194. I know I am.
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195. It's only because I know
you can handle it, hoss.
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196. Love you, baby.
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197. Fucker
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198. Whenever I've experienced
major obstacles in my life...
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199. I can usually depend on the power...
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200. of a beautiful woman's love
to help me conquer.
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201. If the time comes, and I call upon you
to believe in me...
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202. will you do it?
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203. Do what?
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204. Will you be the woman that would come
to a very important game of mine...
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205. in the moment of crisis, rise, stand,
look me dead in the eyes...
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206. and give me the confidence
I need to prevail?
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207. I mean, I guess. If I'm free.
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208. Okay. Yeah. Ah right, well, cool.
I'll take that. Sure.
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209. Cool. Thank you for believing in me.
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210. You're welcome, heh.
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211. It's whatever.
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212. In other news, looks like I'm stuck
with the kid for a spell.
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213. Ew! That sucks.
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214. You think I want to hang out
with my son?
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215. I'd much rather be doing cocaine...
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216. and watching the Saw movies
on DVD in your dorm room.
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217. Well, then what are you gonna dos?
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218. Kind of hard to say at this point.
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219. His bitch of a mom dumped
his ass on me, stone cold.
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220. Yeah, and guess what else?
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221. She also tried to seduce me,
put me into drugs...
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222. and put alcohol down my throat,
and tried to have me have sex to her.
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223. - Did you?
- Well, you know, I'd never He to you.
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224. So did you have sex with her?
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225. Mm-mm. Nope.
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226. Because what we have is solid gold.
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227. Why am I gonna ruin that
on some old pussy...
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228. that popped a kid out a year ago? No.
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229. I trust you, heh.
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230. I trust you too.
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231. Whoo! Look at him go, huh?
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232. Thattaboy. Go on and get it.
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233. Why aren't you swimming?
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234. I had tubes in my ears as a kid.
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235. Oh, I gotcha. Surprise, surprise.
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236. Dude loves riding some waves, Huck.
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237. Cutting him up like
he a fucking Ginsu knife.
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238. Kenny's good at everything
that has to do with water.
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239. - Swimming, Jet Ski...
- No, I know, Steve, I know.
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240. - Oh, you do?
- Yeah, I do.
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241. Yeah, I know a lot about Kenny.
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242. - Really?
- Yeah, I get him.
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243. In fact, the only thing
I don't get about him...
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244. is how the fuck you factor
into the situation.
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245. What? No— My role is essential.
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246. Who do you think got him
where he is today?
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247. I knew that man when he was
a dumb, fucking teacher.
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248. - Oh, no kidding?
- When he lived in Mexico.
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249. I knew him in high school.
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250. Yeah, I know about you in high school.
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251. I think I have an understanding of Kenny
over a long range of years. I—
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252. And he can't be
getting distracted, okay?
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253. Last thing he needs is some
fucking bitch-ass, little boy toy...
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254. goddamn hanger-on like you
getting in his way.
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255. Don't get in his way.
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256. - I'm not gonna get In his way.
- Good.
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257. You don't get in his way.
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258. You have nothing to worry about.
I got my eye on the ball.
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259. Just like a Catcher's supposed to do.
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260. Well, I got my eye on balls as well.
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261. Oh, no kidding.
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262. - Yeah, all the balls.
- Yeah.
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263. Multiple balls.
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264. Because that's what assistants do.
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265. Good luck watching
all them balls, Steve.
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266. - I'll watch as many as I want to.
- Yeah, good luck with it.
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267. What's up, K.P.?
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268. The trident.
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269. Poseidon, the god of the ocean's,
weapon of choice.
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270. Ancient mermen used to use this weapon
in battle to fight the crustacean armies...
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271. wand all the shrimps
and jellyfish in the sea.
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272. I often come out here
to this abandoned cement factory...
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273. to harness its power;
learn its secrets...
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274. think about life,
think about the game.
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275. They're the same thing, you know?
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276. Heads up.
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277. Nice hands.
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278. Now listen to what I have to say.
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279. I'm about to teach you some things
that can't be taught.
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280. Do you see the yonder peaks
of this ancient building?
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281. Do you mean the roof?
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282. - Yes.
- Yeah.
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283. I need you to scale this
and find your way to the peak.
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284. Heh, no, I can't. That is impossible,
I can't do it.
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285. You won't climb up that thing?
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286. I can't. It's too— Too tall.
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287. Fine. Do you see there?
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288. That weird, dark, cavernous area
that's kind of scary?
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289. In order to become a man,
and on the team...
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290. you have to crawl into there
and murder a rat.
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291. Everyone on the team
has done this before.
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292. No.
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293. How am I supposed to mentor you
if you're not gonna do the exercises...
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294. or transitions that I've thought up of?
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295. - Give me something else—
- All right.
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296. How about you just, at a brisk pace,
run up that ramp and take your shirt oh'?
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297. Why should I take my shirt off?
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298. Because. Why wouldn't you do that?
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299. I'm trying to teach you lessons
that can't be taught.
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300. Think Luke Skywalker would've
learned anything from Yoda...
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301. if he kept saying "no"?
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302. - Luke Skywalker?
- From fucking Star Wars, dog.
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303. You know what? Fuck this.
Obviously, you don't want to fucking learn.
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304. You're sending me a mixed signal,
you know?
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305. Don't try to outsmart me, mister.
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306. I'm a fucking writer.
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307. - Yeah, and I'm deejay, bro.
- All right, fine.
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308. You think you can fucking fly solo...
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309. you could do this on your own?
Go for it.
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310. Good. I don't need lessons
from fucking has-been.
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311. - What'd you just say?
- You heard what I said.
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312. No, I didn't hear.
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313. - I called you a has-been.
- A has-been?
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314. - Yes.
- And I'm gonna assume...
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315. there was something
lost in translation.
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316. In Russia, a has-been is someone
who once was great, but is now shit.
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317. That's exactly the same thing
it means in America as well.
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318. That's why I said It.
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319. You better fucking think again, bro.
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320. I'm the most famous person
the Mermen has}.
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321. - The next one up to the majors.
- We shall see about that.
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322. You're seeing about it right now.
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323. I'm the team leader
Franchise star player.
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324. See it, saw it, sawn it. You're done.
I won the argument.
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325. And let me tell you something.
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326. I hope you pitch better
than your mouth works.
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327. Because for me, my mouth is
not as good as my arm, right?
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328. Fucking through your face and dead.
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329. Yeah, if I had the gun, I'm like...
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330. Fucking gun's chopped in half,
electricity comes into your face.
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331. - Two guns.
- That one's done too. Inside of you.
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332. And now you're a fucking puppet.
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333. I can bounce this around,
you're a puppet.
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334. - Smash your fucking face in.
- You are like baby.
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335. So I wish you...
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336. nothing but the best of luck.
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337. Because you're going to need it.
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338. Don't try to wish me good luck.
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339. Fuck. What the“?
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340. Let's go. Hey, man, don't fuck around.
Don't fuck around, man.
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341. Hey. Hey. He)'-
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342. You're my fucking ride.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
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343. Andrea?
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344. Andrea? Andrea?
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345. Is this Andrea's classroom?
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346. Andrea? Is this Andrea's classroom?
There you are.
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347. Sir, it's a closed session.
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348. Eat shit, fucker.
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349. Andrea, you made a promise to me,
and now, unfortunately...
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350. I have to collect upon that promise.
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351. Are you ready to believe in me?
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352. Nu?
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353. I'm in class right now.
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354. I'm slowly realizing this.
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355. Uh...
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356. Don't whisper. Nobody needs
to be whispering, okay?
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357. This is serious.
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358. We're talking about
our relationship here.
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359. Can we talk about this later?
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360. Okay, cool.
Well, I'm probably just freaking out.
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361. I got a lot of emotional baggage
I've been dealing with...
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362. I'm not some needy old dude
rushing into a classroom...
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363. masking for confidence.
Heh, that's not me.
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364. - That's not me, heh.
- Heh.
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365. Tm gonna go now,
I'm gonna be fine.
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366. Nobody worry about me.
I got this shit fucking cinched.
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367. All right. That's— That's; it.
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368. You sure you don't want
to come right now, just to...?
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369. You're busy. You guys are" Okay.
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370. What the fuck is this
Romper Room bullshit?
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371. Stevie. Steven.
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372. Kenny, I didn't hear you come in.
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373. I need you to explain this.
What is this?
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374. Well, this is retro-baby chic.
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375. I modeled this after a spread I saw in
the latest Southern Living. Do you like it'?
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376. Let me think about that for a second.
No, I fucking hate it.
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377. Tear it down. Start over. Restart.
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378. Okay, right now is one of those times
where I'm feeling a little disrespected.
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379. I come down here and you're
running around with some guy...
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380. and calling him your best friend.
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381. And now you want me to
redo all this hard Work?
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382. I just feel, hmm...
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383. like my feelings, uh, aren't
being taken into consideration.
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384. I'm sorry, Stevie, that I am not taking
your feelings into consideration.
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385. - Thank you.
- I'm sorry you decorated the room shittily.
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386. I'm sorry Shane is my best friend.
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387. And most importantly, I'm sorry that I just
broke this silly fucking lamp.
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388. Because my whole goddamn reign of
power's being challenged here, Stevie.
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389. I don't want my dojo to look like the place
the Cabbage Patch Kids come to fuck.
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390. Now this Russian's here
and he might almost be as good as me.
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391. - It makes me nervous
- Aah!
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392. I've never heard you say
you were nervous before.
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393. Well, It's because I've never
been nervous before, Stevie.
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394. - Does Shane know?
- Of course not.
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395. I'm not trying to look like
a bitch in front of Shane.
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396. He's my best friend. He's not
someone I say things to.
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397. Ah, okay. Okay.
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398. You know, Kenny, back in high school,
I used to watch you walk through the halls.
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399. And I'd say, "There goes the coolest,
cockiest kid in the world."
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400. But you're no longer
a kid anymore, Kenny.
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401. You're a man.
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402. And I guess all that coolness
and cockiness has, uh, transformed.
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403. But it's transformed...
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404. into something far more powerful.
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405. Battle-hardened confidence.
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406. Now, I have seen you face adversity
with April, your career, marketing...
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407. and Mexicans.
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408. And you, you always emerge victorious.
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409. I didn't just come down to Myrtle
for adventure...
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410. and possibly cheating on my wife.
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411. No. I came down here...
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412. to be inspired.
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413. I gotta admit, Stevie.
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414. I didn't think you had what it takes to deliver
a heartwarming, inspirational speech.
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415. Thank you.
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416. Because of your words,
I'm now ready to destroy.
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417. You need to fucking destroy now.
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418. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings
and destroying that dumb-ass lamp.
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419. Fuck my feelings and fuck that lamp.
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420. You need to get to the fucking stadium
and destroy.
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421. The Switch-hitting
Jansen stands in here...
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422. two on, top of the ninth.
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423. The stretch, the pitch—
Swung on and lined to right field, base hit.
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424. - Jorasco gets it in quickly.
- Come on.
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425. Time.
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426. Powers, you're in.
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427. Welcome to America, baby dick.
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428. The call has indeed gone to the bullpen.
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429. There will be a pitching change.
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430. It is six to one, Mermen, top of the ninth.
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431. And it's Kenny Powers.
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432. The big right-hander coming in
to shut the door once again.
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433. And now, pitching for the Mermen...
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434. Kenny Powers.
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435. All right now, here we go.
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436. You ready to show this Russian
how we do this in the States?
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437. - You're right.
- Well, show me what you got, Goose.
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438. I told you, I'm Tom Cruise.
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439. I'm gonna hat you think you are.
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440. - Guess what? I am Tom Cruise.
- You're not.
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441. - Tom Cruise.
- Strike this motherfucker out.
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442. - Tom Cruise. Thanks, Goose.
- No.
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443. I'm out of earshot.
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444. Kenny. Kenny.
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445. Go ahead and strike this pussy out.
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446. I was talking to you.
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447. Here we go.
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448. - Strike one.
- Yeah.
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449. Fuck yeah.
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450. - Strike two.
- Barn!
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451. Hey, that ain't distracting you, is it, huh?
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452. You're gonna be all right.
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453. Kenny. Kenny. Kenny.
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454. Goddamn it.
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455. Fuck.
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456. I'm sure he doesn't know—
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457. He gonna come here and probably
give you a little chit-chat.
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458. Powers, thank you, we won't be needing
your services the rest of the evening.
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459. You've got to be kidding me.
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460. One fucking hit. Are you serious?
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461. You've been preoccupied
all week.
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462. Pulling your dick,
messing around, monkey-shining.
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463. I'm gonna give the new guy a chance.
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464. The new guv?
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465. Hey, don't sass me, okay?
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466. Texas is here. You're gonna
fuck me in front of them?
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467. I don't have to fight with you.
Get off the mound.
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468. - Dick.
- Move it.
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469. Piece of shit.
Fucking racist cock-sucking...
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470. Send in the fucking commie.
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471. Ignorant choices.
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472. We'll see. We'll see how
the fucking Russian fares.
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473. - Here we go, Ivan.
- Come on, Ivan.
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474. Darnell, what the fuck?
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475. Yeah.
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476. - Goddamn.
- Unh!
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477. One fucking game, man.
One fucking game, okay? Who cares?
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478. Don't let that commie prick rattle you.
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479. I'm getting thrown
a bunch of things at once.
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480. April, this fucking kid is here,
this Russian person.
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481. It's just too much. It's too much, man.
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482. Hey. Hey. Hey. You look at me.
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483. Look me in the fucking eyes.
Stop being a goddamn pussy.
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484. You're fucking famous and shit,
and no one, no one can stop us.
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485. Never say die. Okay?
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486. - Whoa!
- Hell, yeah. There you go. Stand up.
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487. - Stand up and yell it in my face.
- Never say die!
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488. - Say it!
- Never say die!
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489. - Never say die. Never fucking die!
- Famous and shit.
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490. Never say die.
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491. - Never die.
- Goddamn it, that's right.
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492. Now, how's about I cut us
a couple more monster rails...
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493. for us young fucking Moods, huh?
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494. Oh, I fucking like that.
I'm gonna change this shitty song...
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495. - ... for something more coke worthy.
- Yeah.
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496. - Whoo!
- Fuck this shit.
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497. Talking about dope beads,
fat lines and tight friends.
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498. We are fucking celebrities, yo.
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499. Whoo!
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500. I don't even know half these bands.
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501. I know, I went crazy on LimeWire
in the early days, that's what—
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502. Oh, shit. I fucking love this song. Heh.
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