1. - Don't freak out, dude. Just relax.
- I'm freaking out.
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2. You're fucking looking a little
suspicious. Now just calm down.
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3. If one of these pigs takes my wife,
I will kill them.
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4. Maria, down. Uh, down-ay.
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5. Fucking under the blankets.
Put that Tecate box on her head.
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6. - All right, he's calling us. He's calling us.
- Fuck.
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7. - Why are there so many dogs?
- Looking for al Qaedas. I don't know.
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8. - Stop it.
- I'm going to. Let me pull the fuck up.
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9. - Stop.
- Jesus Christ.
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10. Hello. How are you, officer?
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11. Probably want the passports. Okay.
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12. Here you go. Just two passports
from two Americans.
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13. Destination?
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14. Uh, Shelby, North Carolina.
We're heading home.
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15. Heading to the hometown.
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16. You bust any Soviets out here today?
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17. You busting...? Busting the commies?
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18. No.
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19. Nature of your visit?
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20. The, uh...? The visit in Mexico?
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21. - Yeah.
- Uh...
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22. Mainly soul-searching.
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23. Soul-searching? Is that drug talk?
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24. No, no, no. We... No, we...
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25. - Vacation. It was a vacation trip.
- Okay.
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26. Went to Cabo Wabo, to "Macu Picos,"
where all the pyramids are.
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27. Just all the vacation destinations
in Mexico.
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28. Gonna need you to pull the car over, sir.
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29. Why do you need me to do that?
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30. Because I'm gonna search it.
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31. Okay.
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32. You know what?
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33. I got a confession to make, okay?
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34. But, Kenny...
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35. I just wanna come clean with this
so we can save everybody some time.
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36. - I don't think you need...
- Shh, shh, shh. I got this, Stevie.
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37. I've been hiding something, okay?
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38. - What are you hiding?
- This.
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39. Check it. You recognize who I am?
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40. Nope.
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41. Goatee.
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42. - What does that mean?
- Lock into the eyes.
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43. Take in the hair,
facial structural, uh, features.
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44. Kenny Powers.
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45. - Excuse me?
- Kenny Powers, Kenny Powers.
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46. The base... The baseball player?
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47. - The baseball player?
- The fucking baseball player.
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48. Holy shit, Kenny P. In the house.
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49. - How's it going?
- Get the fuck out of here.
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50. I'd love to get out of here.
We're trying to.
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51. No, no, no. Can I get a picture?
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52. Give me a picture.
We gotta get a pic right now.
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53. Can you say that catch phrase
you always say? That...
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54. - You're fucking out.
- You're fucking out.
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55. It's "you're fucking out."
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56. - Ready?
- Yeah.
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57. You're fucking out!
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58. - Yeah, okay.
- Whoo! All right!
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59. - So we're good.
- Here you go.
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60. Thank you very much.
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61. Nice to meet you.
Do you have any contact info?
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62. I do not.
Thank you for keeping the border safe.
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63. Hey, before you go.
You're fucking out of Mexico.
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64. - Ha-ha-ha.
- I'm good, huh?
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65. Let me know when you catch bin Laden.
I got some champagne.
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66. - Will do, motherfucker.
- You bet.
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67. Whoo!
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68. We're safe now, Maria.
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69. Kenny's celebrity saved us.
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70. Feels good to break the laws
in America again.
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71. Whoo! America!
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72. Whoo!
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73. Looks like that's the last of your shit.
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74. Here you go. Can you just take that?
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75. So it'll balance you out. Yeah.
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76. Hey, boo, could you give us a second?
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77. Can you wait inside, please?
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78. That's yours too. Don't forget that.
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79. There you go.
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80. Very strong legs. Very sure-footed.
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81. My little mule.
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82. Fucking Shelby.
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83. - Fucking Shelby.
- We made it.
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84. Guess you're gonna go
fuck April now, huh? Probably?
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85. - Probably? Definitely.
- Definitely?
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86. Maybe we'll start off slow with
a welcome-home blowjob.
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87. - Ooh!
- Yeah, we'll see how it goes.
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88. Light some candles, heat up
a fucking Lean Cuisine and go to town.
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89. Ooh! Get sexy, huh?
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90. Well, man, it was amazing
and I thank you.
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91. Thank you. I don't think I could've done
what I did in Mexico...
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92. without somebody there
to do all the rest of the shit...
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93. that needed to be done
down in Mexico.
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94. It's my job, man. That's my job.
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95. Give me some skin.
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96. I'll see you around.
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97. Not if I see you first.
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98. Oh!
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99. Look! A penny!
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100. Adiós, Stevie.
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101. - Dustin? Honey, you want this?
- Oh, yeah.
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102. Mi familia.
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103. I've returned to you.
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104. - Uncle Kenny.
Ha-ha-ha.
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105. Well, if it isn't my favorite nephew, huh?
How you doing, buddy?
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106. And the other nephew.
Look at you, Biggie Smalls. Goddamn.
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107. Look like you've aged three years
since last I saw you.
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108. Got some sort of reverse
Benjamin Button thing going on?
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109. Oh, he's fine, Kenny. Wayne's normal.
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110. Yeah, of course he is.
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111. Get in here, motherfucker.
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112. - Ha-ha-ha.
- You bastard.
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113. Look at this one, huh?
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114. - Old sweet tits.
- Oh.
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115. - Wow, you've really trimmed up.
- Oh, thank you.
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116. Not nearly as heavy as you were last time.
You look great.
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117. Yeah. That kissing-on-the-cheek thing
is a custom I picked up abroad.
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118. Not trying to flirt.
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119. Now, when you say that you were abroad,
does that mean Tampa or?
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120. Well, Tampa didn't really pan out
the way I hoped it would.
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121. So I decided just to split
and head down to Mexico.
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122. I fought and fucked my way to being
the greatest gringo that country's ever seen.
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123. I also found our father...
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124. and earned a place on a team
in Myrtle Beach.
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125. - True story.
- Wait a second. You found Pop?
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126. - Mm-hm.
- Did he ask about me or?
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127. No, he didn't really ask about you at all.
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128. It was me who went there
and searched for him.
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129. We're not gonna sit in Mexico
in an adobe...
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130. talking about somebody who's
not even there. That'd be stupid.
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131. Oh.
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132. Whose birthday is it?
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133. - It's Rose.
- Rose.
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134. - Who?
- Your niece, Rose.
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135. Oh, Rose. Okay. Yeah, whatever.
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136. - Anyway, I gotta get a move on.
- Okay.
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137. I got a pot of titties waiting for me
at the end of the rainbow.
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138. Before I can sip upon them...
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139. I need to go ahead and take a big old shit
in a fucking American toilet.
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140. - Cool?
- Yeah.
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141. Give me high-fives. American high-fives.
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142. Good to see your goddamn white faces.
Give it up.
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143. - Yeah.
- Whoo!
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144. I mean "school."
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145. Hop up, sweetheart.
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146. Get out of here.
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147. Excuse me.
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148. Lunch kids!
All you motherfuckers eating food...
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149. put it down. Look up to me.
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150. I need all eyes up here now.
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151. Get this thing out of here.
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152. Everyone, eyes up here.
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153. Fucking eyes up here...
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154. so I have all the attentions of everyone.
Attention, please.
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155. For those of y'all
who do not know who I am...
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156. my name is Kenny Powers.
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157. And as fucked up and weird
as it may seem...
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158. I used to be a teacher here.
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159. But now I return to you...
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160. a victor, a champion...
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161. a man who has defeated
the face of Mexican baseball.
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162. Not to get back my old job.
Fuck that noise.
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163. But to capture the heart
of one of your teachers...
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164. and take her away forever.
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165. So at this time...
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166. I would like the beautiful,
the forgiving...
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167. the talented,
big-chested art teacher...
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168. to please step forward.
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169. Where's she at?
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170. Show me them big old titties.
Come on.
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171. I... I...
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172. I'm the art teacher.
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173. The fuck you are.
Where's the real art teacher?
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174. Hey, Kenny. What are you doing?
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175. What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm here to get April.
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176. Well, then you're standing on a table
cursing at children for no reason...
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177. because she doesn't
work here anymore.
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178. Well, where the fuck is she?
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179. I'll tell you what.
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180. Why don't you take your feet out of
Clyde Tryksler's potatoes...
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181. step down off of
our state-funded lunch tables...
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182. and I will take you to see her myself.
Is that fair?
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183. All right.
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184. Okay, people,
sorry if I fucked up your lunch here.
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185. My bad. Stay in school.
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186. Fight the power. And don't do drugs.
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187. Unless, of course,
you're doing them with me. Ha-ha-ha.
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188. - Never gonna turn down free drugs.
- Not funny. Not a funny joke.
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189. - Come down.
- It's school lunch. Who cares?
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190. Shit's like a buck 25. Get over it.
Get out of the way.
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191. So this, uh...
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192. This Myrtle Beach thing,
it's different from the one in Tampa?
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193. I have to say, on the surface
it sounds remarkably similar.
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194. Dude, don't worry about
my deals, all right?
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195. Don't understand why April's playing
Flip This House.
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196. Everyone knows the bubble burst
on that shit years ago.
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197. Well, she gave it a pretty good go
after you left.
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198. But I think her heart just really wasn't
in teaching anymore.
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199. You know, there was a moment in time
when I was in the pits and anus of Mexico.
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200. Where is that?
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201. - It's a town called Copales.
- Okay.
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202. And while I was there,
I thought for a brief moment...
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203. that you two actually had
gotten married.
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204. Oh, yeah, no.
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205. And I was thinking what a fucking stupid
mistake that would've been for her.
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206. For...? Oh, for her.
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207. - Just terrible.
- Uh-huh.
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208. Being that you kind of already
had been there and then it was destroyed...
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209. - Yeah.
and the real love was found.
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210. And it would've been such a compromise
to be with you.
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211. Yeah. It's kind of insulting, isn't it?
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212. Just a little bit?
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213. - It... I was... I'm destiny, Cutty.
- Oh. Hmm.
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214. - This is a wonderful outfit...
- Yep.
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215. you've put together here.
- La Flama Blanca.
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216. - What is it?
- La Flama Blanca.
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217. It's Spanish for "the White Flame."
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218. I was pitching pure, from the heart,
so that's why I wore a suit...
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219. with white and silver flames on it.
- Mm-hm.
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220. But now it all climaxes here.
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221. Crazy you're here to witness it.
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222. Who would've guessed?
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223. I don't know.
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224. - Watch as I win her back.
- Okay.
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225. Hey, you know, there's actually
one other thing you should know.
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226. Uh...
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227. No, I'll let him find out.
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228. Okay, so this is it.
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229. What do you guys think of the house?
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230. I don't know. Ever since my hysterectomy
I swore I'd never get a place with stairs.
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231. I haven't done this
as long as Jamie has...
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232. but this is the best floor plan
that I have ever seen.
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233. Or we could show you
the 1.5- Million place with an elevator.
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234. April?
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235. Your champion has returned
to reclaim his love.
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236. I stand before you
as a man pure of heart.
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237. Oh, fuck, you're pregnant.
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238. - Oh, fuck me.
Mm-hm.
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239. What are you doing in here, Kenny?
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240. I came... I came back for you,
just like I promised I would.
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241. No, you didn't promise
anything like that.
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242. Well, I came to mend things.
Oh, my God. Holy shit!
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243. - We could come back.
- No, you don't have to.
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244. - Who's the fucking dad?
- Well, hello, Jamie.
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245. - What's up, stalker?
- Oh, I'm the stalker?
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246. - Yeah.
- Who is this guy?
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247. Oh, Jamie? Jamie is
the smooth-talking black gentleman...
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248. who lured April away
from the noble craft of teaching.
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249. - He did not lure me.
- Yes, he did.
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250. No, he did not, Cutler.
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251. With promises of high commissions
and big percentages.
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252. Just stop. Please, just stop.
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253. I think I've fucking figured it out here.
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254. You being all coy.
Him being all damn touchy-feely.
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255. I knew things had probably gotten dark.
I never imagined shit had gotten this dark.
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256. - What's that supposed to mean?
- You do the math, buddy.
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257. I've been through goddamn thick and thin,
hell and fucking high water.
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258. I come back to find you've made your bed
with another man.
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259. Who the fuck do you think you are?
Honestly?
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260. Get out.
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261. Stay away from me.
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262. Because I never, ever wanna
see your face ever again.
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263. Do you just not wanna see me today?
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264. - Just wanna cool down...?
- No, ever.
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265. Get out.
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266. Well, I wouldn't wanna ruin a sale, huh?
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267. Guess you guys gotta
make those commissions...
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268. be able to buy all the goddamn FUBU...
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269. and OshKosh B'gosh
and shit the baby's gonna be wearing.
Copy !req
270. Hey, potential homebuyers...
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271. hope y'all know that a lot of rapes
happened in this house.
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272. - Get out!
- I hope you disclosed that, April.
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273. Get out of here.
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274. There were no rapes here,
as far as I know.
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275. - Yeah.
- Goddamn.
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276. I'll admit, Clegg, I didn't think
I was gonna be seeing you again.
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277. But it's nice to know that
whenever I hit rock bottom...
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278. you'll always be here,
waiting with a big old line of cocaine.
Copy !req
279. - How was rehab?
- Great.
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280. Bunch of hottie heroin junkies
running around.
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281. Once you get rid of that needle,
they go straight for the dick.
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282. Yeah, they got a few of them
pretty girls down in Mexico. Heh.
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283. Temptresses.
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284. Little Spanish caramel fucking sirens.
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285. I was trying to save myself,
keep pure for April.
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286. Then I get back here...
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287. turns out she didn't have
the same fucking agenda as me.
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288. She's pregnant...
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289. with a black man's baby.
Copy !req
290. But you were fucking
some other people, right?
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291. Yeah. I basically fucked like...
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292. almost a whole entire village
full of Mexican women.
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293. I'll be damned. Kenny fucking Powers.
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294. Whoo! Look who's back in town.
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295. Last time I saw you,
I think I had a yeast infection.
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296. I'm all cleared up now. Ha, ha.
You miss me?
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297. They got girls like me in Tampa?
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298. Ha. Yeah, I'm sure they got
sluts in Tampa.
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299. But I didn't go there, wet puss.
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300. I went to Mexico on an epic spiritual quest
that ended in failure.
Copy !req
301. Wait, whoa. You still got
Myrtle Beach coming up.
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302. Doesn't matter, Clegg.
The Pavilion's closed...
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303. and Myrtle Beach
ain't what it used to be.
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304. Why are you dressed as Boss Hogg?
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305. I'm not dressed like Boss Hogg,
you dumb bitch.
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306. I'm dressed like pure.
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307. Just, why don't you go fuck off?
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308. Don't you got somebody
you gotta give AIDS to?
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309. Fucking retard.
Copy !req
310. So anyway, I'm thinking...
Copy !req
311. if you're not doing anything
this summer...
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312. we get on the road
and go hit some dates.
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313. Some JB and the Boys, Keller,
fucking Gov't Mule.
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314. Hit the Southwestern leg,
maybe get into some Psycho Toads.
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315. That sound like a good idea?
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316. Is this fucking Seger?
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317. It's definitely Seger.
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318. Aw, Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
319. I gotta get out of here.
I need to get some fucking air, dude.
Copy !req
320. All right.
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321. Is it the blow?
This is pretty cheap shit.
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322. Come here.
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323. Excuse me.
Can't listen to any romantical shit now.
Copy !req
324. - We were listening to that.
- Not anymore.
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325. Kenny, have you been crying?
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326. - What's the matter?
- I'm not crying. It's just lake water.
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327. What is the matter with you?
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328. Well, since you asked,
April's what's the matter.
Copy !req
329. - Oh, so you've, uh, talked to her then?
- I tried to talk to her.
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330. But all she cares about talking about
is her new goddamn business partner...
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331. and her unborn multicultural baby.
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332. - April's pregnant?
- Big news.
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333. Heck, that's... Good for her, yeah.
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334. What are y'all talking about?
That's not good for her.
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335. That's fucking bad for her.
It's even worse for me.
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336. Kenny, come on, man.
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337. You think Mom should've waited
all those years for Dad to come back?
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338. Oh, come on. Give me a fucking break.
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339. Don't act like you're
the goddamn expert of father.
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340. Well, okay.
Have you thought of maybe just...
Copy !req
341. saying sorry to April
and then start from there?
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342. I cannot do that. It's negatory.
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343. It should be her who's
fucking apologizing to me.
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344. I still don't understand
why she would do this.
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345. Well, I don't know, maybe because
you left her at a fucking gas station.
Copy !req
346. Look, Kenny, if you really wanna do
right by April then leave her alone.
Copy !req
347. Let her have her own life
and get on with yours.
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348. Go to Myrtle.
Go and be a baseball player.
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349. That's what you've been
chasing your whole life.
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350. Maybe you're right, Dustin.
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351. Guess I should just go be a cold,
calculated killing machine on the mound.
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352. Just striking out idiots joylessly...
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353. just going through the motions...
Copy !req
354. because no one loves me
and my heart is dead.
Copy !req
355. As they say in Mexico, buenas noches.
Copy !req
356. Maria? Maria?
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357. How long are your cousins
planning on staying here?
Copy !req
358. Don't mind me.
It's just my fucking house.
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359. I'll get the fucking door.
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360. - What's up?
- Oh, thank God.
Copy !req
361. Listen, Maria's cousins came over
about an hour after we got here...
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362. and I don't think they're leaving.
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363. Well, then just get ahold
of yourself, all right?
Copy !req
364. Because I came here
to bid you farewell, Stevie.
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365. I'm starting a new life today,
one where I'm gonna be alone.
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366. No. I'm fucking coming with you.
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367. Let's bolt.
I'm not even gonna say goodbye.
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368. You can't.
You need to stay here with Maria.
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369. Listen, I think I made a mistake.
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370. No, you didn't make a mistake, man.
Copy !req
371. This is the pangs and curiosities of love.
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372. Always second-guessing yourself,
but knowing at the core...
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373. it's the right thing to do.
You can't run from that.
Copy !req
374. Kenny, I literally cannot even talk to her
because she speaks another language.
Copy !req
375. It does not matter.
Love is the international language.
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376. She has all her cousins in there.
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377. I feel like I'm being strangled by, like...
Copy !req
378. a bunch of Mexicans
on a necklace just trying to...
Copy !req
379. - That's love, dude.
- That's love?
Copy !req
380. Let it take hold and rip out
every last breath you have.
Copy !req
381. Just trust me.
Copy !req
382. It's better to be strangled
by a necklace of Mexicans...
Copy !req
383. than to be strangled by no one at all.
Copy !req
384. - Hola, Kenny.
- Hola, Maria.
Copy !req
385. That's a nice T-shirt.
Copy !req
386. Because it's true.
Copy !req
387. "Love is the best gift ever."
Copy !req
388. Listen. I have one final favor
I need to ask the both of you.
Copy !req
389. What is it?
Copy !req
390. It's your book.
Copy !req
391. You finally finished it?
Copy !req
392. You know what to do with this.
Copy !req
393. Do you know what to do with that?
Copy !req
394. I think I know what to do with this.
Copy !req
395. So you don't ruin it,
what are you gonna do with it?
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396. I'm going to listen to it?
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397. You're already wrong. You're going...
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398. - To give it to April.
- To April.
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399. This is truth.
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400. You live by that.
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401. You die by that.
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402. Then you'll have a happy marriage.
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403. Adiós, you two crazy lovers.
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404. Okay, thank you guys for coming.
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405. Y'all have my card if you need anything.
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406. And that list price is just a start.
Our sellers are very motivated. Very.
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407. Hi. Heh.
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408. Are you here for the open house?
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409. Tits grande?
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410. Yes?
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411. For you.
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412. Chapter one continued.
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413. More of what I was just saying.
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414. Never in a million years
did I imagine myself being in Mexico.
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415. After all, who would?
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416. Most Mexicans spend their day
just trying to get out.
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417. So you can hardly blame foreigners
like myself for not thinking about getting in.
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418. Oddly enough, the people here aren't
that different from ones back home...
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419. when you get past
the lack of interest in real sports...
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420. and the need to have yellow rice
at every fucking meal.
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421. Can't help but notice
how much they stick together too.
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422. When you see Mexicans
in the States you think:
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423. "Oh, there's a group of Mexicans
doing Mexican things together."
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424. But here you see it's not just because they
talk the same language and are all Catholic.
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425. Family means a lot to these people.
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426. Relationships, husbands, wives,
parents, all that shit.
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427. Reminds me of why I'm here
in the first place.
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428. The quest is nothing if you got
no one to brag about it to.
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429. You'll never reach the end
if you're only doing it for yourself.
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430. Me, I'm doing it for a girl
I had to leave behind just to get this far.
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431. Now I gotta go a little further
to get back to her.
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432. All I can do is hope that
one day she'll understand...
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433. and when that day comes
it's not too late.
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434. Chapter Nothing:
The Fucking Epilogue.
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435. You're really leaving already?
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436. Yes, I am, Wayne.
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437. There's absolutely nothing
for me here in Shelby, so I'm out.
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438. Well, I can't believe it,
but I think he's actually leaving.
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439. Really?
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440. - Yeah.
- Damn.
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441. - How far away is Myrtle Beach?
- About four hours.
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442. Ooh, can you get us fireworks?
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443. Not if you don't clean up
this goddamn Jet Ski so I can go.
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444. Come on, get back to it.
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445. I can't go to Myrtle Beach with
the most disgusting Jet Ski ever seen.
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446. - Hey.
- Hey.
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447. I listened to your tapes.
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448. Oh, you read my book?
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449. I appreciate how honest you were in it.
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450. Yeah, well, I took some artistic license
with some things. Like the Vida parts.
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451. - I really only fucked her a handful of times.
- It's okay. It's okay.
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452. But all the parts about
doing everything for you...
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453. that stuff was true.
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454. Kenny, I have something to tell you.
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455. Yeah, I have something to tell you too.
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456. I'm sorry, April.
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457. I learned a lot down in Mexico.
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458. I learned that sometimes, to be the man,
you gotta beat the man.
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459. I learned the grass is not always greener.
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460. I learned that adversity's sweet milk
is philosophy, April.
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461. The baby's yours.
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462. I don't need anything from you,
I don't expect anything from you.
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463. I just wanted you to know.
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464. It's taken me some time
to accept the situation and be happy...
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465. but I am.
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466. I'm excited to be a mama, Kenny.
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467. Are you gonna say something or?
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468. You're not making sense.
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469. You know, just process everything.
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470. - Of course.
- You know.
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471. I was actually planning on splitting
out of town to go to Myrtle Beach.
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472. - Got a job just pitching down there.
- Okay, of course.
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473. Yeah, of course you need time
to process this.
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474. And, um, that's okay.
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475. - That's okay.
- Okay.
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476. April?
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477. You know,
I don't have to leave right now.
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478. You know, there's this, uh...
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479. A really cool Mexican place
down the road.
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480. Has really awesome food,
but the decor is kind of shitty.
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481. It's kind of like Mexico itself, heh.
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482. Kenny, I'm gonna need you to know...
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483. that I'm not interested
in being in love with you anymore.
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484. I get that.
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485. But I've...
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486. I've just come a long way.
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487. And I'd just like a chance
to catch up with you.
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488. Okay.
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489. Okay?
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490. All right, cool. Well, how about I drive?
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491. - I'll follow you.
- You'll...?
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492. I see why you'd be wary
of riding with me.
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493. - Right.
- That's understandable. Okay.
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494. So we'll just meet there?
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495. - I'll meet you there. Okay.
- Meet there. Okay.
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496. It's not the black guy's kid. It's mine.
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497. Guys, come on, scram.
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498. Jet Ski's clean.
Get the fuck out of there.
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