Eastbound & Down 2x6

1. Same old Kenny.

2. Ten pounds of shit in a 5-pound bag.

3. This is Soledad, my wife. That one's your brother.

4. You seem a little distracted

5. from my pinnacle father-son bonding moment here.

6. You cocksucker. You betrayed me?

7. Nah, I ain't going. Okay, I'm coming.

8. Someone pay your bail.

9. Your daddy's a real motherfucker.

10. You don't wanna end up like him.

11. Stop looking at me! Shit!

12. April and Cutler are not married.

13. You can still get her back.

14. I'm coming for you.

15. I mean, I lost everything. I lost my... My... My job,

16. my friends, my... My future.

17. But I don't know. In that loss, you know, I feel like I've...

18. I've found something.

19. I mean, I found this group. I found all you guys.

20. That's right.

21. For the first time in a long while

22. I can 100 percent motherfucking honestly say...

23. I feel good.

24. There you are.

25. Hey, man. Hey.

26. So I just heard the news.

27. Sounds like you're ready to move on.

28. I think I am.

29. You know what's next, don't you? Yeah.

30. Ninth step. Make amends.

31. That's right.

32. Take that list you made of all the people you've wronged.

33. Start at the top, the person you fucked over the most.

34. Andrew, uh, seriously,

35. like, there's no way I would have made it

36. over the last six months without you.

37. So it's actually convenient that you're here with me now.

38. Oh. Heh-heh. Wanna ask your old sponsor one more question?

39. Nah. Go ahead.

40. No, I meant actually it's convenient

41. because you're at the top of my list.

42. I'm at the top of your list?

43. I fucked Linda.

44. Oh, okay, you fucked my sister.

45. The... No.

46. Your...? Isn't your wife's name Linda?

47. You fucked my wife?

48. I did but I thought her name was Linda. Isn't it Linda?

49. It's Beth.

50. Beth, right.

51. Right, no, yeah, Linda was your sister.

52. She watched. Watched?

53. Yeah. It's crazy.

54. But I'm sorry about that and I hope we can make amends.

55. This is cleaning soaps full force

56. because I feel like I'm on a new drug.

57. Just get the fuck out of here, Pat.

58. Well, as long as we're square,

59. I feel like it's time to move on down to number two on that list,

60. you know what I mean?

61. Looks like my next stop is Mexico.

62. Go fuck yourself, Pat.

63. Stevie, our time here in Mexico has come to an end.

64. We can't hide in this wasteland forever chasing exotic women.

65. It's time we get back to the business of living.

66. Face what awaits us back in America.

67. Okay, I'll make sure everything is packed properly, Kenny.

68. And, you know,

69. if you wanna bang that were-woman one more time

70. for the memories, I will allow it.

71. Are you serious, Kenny?

72. As a heart attack, hombre.

73. Can I fuck her more than once or just once?

74. I mean, maybe don't lay in her all goddamn day.

75. You got some packing to do.

76. Let's just think outside the box for a sec, brainstorm.

77. Like, let's make it memorable.

78. If it's only one time, let's do it up.

79. Okay. Maybe you go down on her, dude.

80. Don't be selfish, don't be sexist.

81. You don't like that?

82. Why not?

83. It smells.

84. Oh, I... Yeah, I bet it does.

85. She's always eating all that weird stew and roots and shit.

86. What about ATM?

87. You don't know what's gonna affect her immune system.

88. They have different bacterias and biological things here.

89. Mm. It's just for safety.

90. Safety okay, okay. Yeah.

91. Don't sit there like a dingleberry. Get to it.

92. Okay. Go get her, man.

93. Okay. Go.

94. Ben Wa balls.

95. Guess who's sober.

96. Pat Anderson, what in the fuck are you doing here?

97. I just wrapped up treatment, accepted a higher power,

98. and now I'm here to knock out that ninth step and make amends.

99. Why do people think because we're in Mexico

100. it's cool to come into somebody's house

101. and wait for 'em unannounced?

102. I'm gonna cut to it, Kenny. No bullshit, all truth.

103. I butt-fucked you hard.

104. But as a gentleman I've learned to clean up my mess.

105. Check out that sweet-ass gift basket.

106. What, you think a mineral bath soak

107. is gonna pay for all the shit you did to me?

108. There's an iPad in there, Kenny.

109. Mm, really?

110. It doesn't matter.

111. It's gonna take more than a goddamn Speak & Spell

112. to win yourself into the good grace of Kenny Powers.

113. Oh, yeah?

114. How about a shot at the majors? Would that do the trick?

115. Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna fall

116. for one of your mythical eight figure contract deals again.

117. There's no contract, not yet. It's just a shot.

118. But I heard about you playing baseball down here, Kenny,

119. and there's a scout in Texas who owes me a favor

120. from my circuit party days and he agreed to come down here

121. and sniff you out.

122. Now I've been paying attention

123. to what you've been doing down here, Kenny,

124. and if you play half as well as you've been playing,

125. I think you've got a legitimate shot.

126. Your friend's wasting his time.

127. I don't play for the team anymore. They cut me.

128. Look, you got every reasond's in the world not to trust me.

129. But this could be a game changer, Kenny.

130. Is there anyone you could talk to

131. about getting back on that team?

132. Well, there is one motherfucker.

133. Kumite.

134. What the fuck are you doing here?

135. Why is your voice raised like a scared little bitch?

136. No, I am not scared. If anybody should be scared it's you, man.

137. For stealing my car and smashing up my studio,

138. all because I fucked your lady.

139. You think that's cool? Mm-hm.

140. Do you know what is cool?

141. Paying people back.

142. You wanna pull that Bruce Lee shit with me

143. I'll steal that sword from you and fuck you with it.

144. No, don't write checks that can bounce.

145. My spreadsheets! Back up!

146. I'll take this goddamn computers and put it through your face

147. like a disk of fucking Tron. Yeah, right.

148. I'll deflect it and cut your arms off.

149. Then I'll cut your face before you know what's up.

150. Well, look at this, huh?

151. A goddamned Mexican standoff in fucking Mexico.

152. I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.

153. You are leaving, huh? You wanted to come here first, huh,

154. and try to kill me? Not kill you.

155. Kick your ass and then ask you for a favor.

156. Even though Vida's not the one for me you steal behind my back

157. and encouraged her to cheat on me.

158. Bro, I can't even get her to call me back.

159. Which sucks because I thought we had something special.

160. Yeah, well,

161. I thought we had something special too.

162. Looks like that's her fucking game, huh?

163. I'm sorry, man.

164. I haven't been acting like myself.

165. It's been really hard to act normal.

166. I've been acting weird as shit, bro.

167. I act like it's no big deal that my parents are dead,

168. but it is a big deal. It hurts my heart, man.

169. I cry all the time in my bed by myself.

170. I know what you're talking about.

171. I used to be just like you yesterday.

172. Sad inside and compensating

173. by acting like a fucking cocksucker.

174. But I saw the light, dude. I've changed.

175. I want to see the light. How did you do it?

176. Well, I went on a personal quest and faced my demons,

177. but for you the change could be a lot easier.

178. Tell me. Let me back on the team.

179. For one more game.

180. There's a scout coming

181. and I intend to fuck his world up with my skills.

182. Hm.

183. Or we could finish this duel

184. and murder each other.

185. No, I can live with like a truce.

186. If you want to play, you can play.

187. I'm sorry, man. Come here.

188. If I can fucking nail this goddamn baseball shit tonight

189. I'm going back to America a goddamn champion.

190. Fucking three days away from sucking on some big old titties.

191. Are those my clothes?

192. Uh, these are your pants and shorts.

193. Your tops we'd leave on hangers so they don't get wrinkled.

194. Dude, don't get all OCD about this shit. Just get it done.

195. Uh, Kenny, I was wondering...

196. What is your policy on last-minute passengers?

197. What last-minute passengers?

198. Wah-wah.

199. Wah-wah what?

200. I know that technically I should be asking Maria's father this,

201. but in many ways I feel like

202. you are the father to all of the Mexicans here,

203. plus you are my spiritual leader,

204. you are my friend, you are...

205. Dude, just... Jesus Christ, spill it. What?

206. Okay. I would like to ask you,

207. Kenny Powers,

208. permission to marry Maria

209. and bring her back to America with us.

210. Marry her? Yeah.

211. Dude, I only told you you could fuck her one time.

212. Technically, you guys are not even supposed to be dating.

213. Yeah, I know. I know,

214. but I can't help myself.

215. It's like all I think about is her

216. and I don't know what to do about it.

217. Yeah, I know the feeling.

218. Stevie, marriage is a pretty big step, all right?

219. I mean, do you have any sort of plan

220. of how you'll provide for her financially?

221. I have no plan whatsoever.

222. And you do realize that if you had offspring

223. they would be mixed children?

224. They could be made fun of on the playground.

225. I was made fun of on the playground

226. and I turned out pretty cool.

227. Heh. You know what? Fuck it.

228. Just as I have found what I'm looking for here,

229. maybe it's time you found what you're looking for as well.

230. Steven, if you would like to take a Mexican wife...

231. Yes, I would.

232. If you think you can balance her and your workload...

233. I think I can.

234. Without neglecting your duties.

235. I will never neglect my duties.

236. Then you have my permission.

237. Thank you.

238. Maria has something that she would like to give you.

239. How cool, a breadmaker.

240. I was getting pretty sick of eating

241. all these fucking tortillas. That's a good, good gift.

242. No, that's just the box it's in. It's homemade.

243. Oh, cool, a homemade gift.

244. I told her on the phone to make a black one

245. but she got confused.

246. You like it?

247. Hey, Kenny. You look different.

248. Yeah, obviously.

249. I' been reborn. Oh.

250. You're kind of bright. It's kind of hard to look at you.

251. Yeah, well, people say Jesus Christ

252. had the same effect on fools.

253. These are the keys to the Denali.

254. If you could find time I'd like you to fix it.

255. I had Stevie on the motherfucker but he got derailed.

256. Now it time for a professional.

257. Time for Mexican.

258. Where are you going all dressed up?

259. I'm going to settle some scores.

260. Today I bring you freedom.

261. Freedom, freedom.

262. Freedom.

263. Mexicans!

264. Oh, Mexicans!

265. For once in your life

266. get off your coaches and do something.

267. This is your last chance to see Kenny Powers.

268. He lost the love of his life.

269. He went to Mexico for a change.

270. He met his father.

271. He got screwed over in love.

272. But the thing about Kenny Powers

273. is when he faces adversity he moves past it.

274. Because once Jesus leaves the building

275. he is out of Mexico for good.

276. Hola, you two.

277. Nobody get crazy and pop off and go loco.

278. I come in peace.

279. Tone, what's up?

280. I'm very sorry for what I exposed you to last time we met.

281. I hope you can forgive me for that.

282. What do you want, Kenny?

283. Well, I thought you two should know

284. that I'm moseying on back to the old U.S. of A.

285. Looks like this gunslinger's work is done here.

286. You're a gunslinger?

287. The short answer to that, Tony, is yes.

288. Yes, I am.

289. You kill people?

290. And the short answer to that is also yes.

291. Okay.

292. Listen to your mom, Tone.

293. That's a good kid.

294. How could you bring Tony to Sebastian's?

295. Well, I didn't know I was leading him to front row seats

296. to watch his momma commit oral adultery.

297. I thought I was just bringing him there to show him

298. how self-centered you were being.

299. What? None of this matters, all right?

300. Did you hurt my feelings?

301. Yes, you did. I will give you that victory.

302. But the one victory you will not have is the most important.

303. I'll admit, that sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed.

304. It put a spell on me.

305. But all the ass-magic in Mexico

306. can't change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs.

307. I'm not an ass man. I'm a tit man.

308. I like big-ass boobs.

309. Now and forever.

310. I'm not like a black guy, Vida.

311. Congratulations.

312. Don't go getting your feelings hurt, all right?

313. You and I both knew this was never gonna last forever.

314. You're like the girl the Godfather fucked back in Italy.

315. You know, what we had was important

316. but the real deal is waiting for me back at home.

317. I gotta go.

318. Adios, Kenny Powers.

319. Adios, bubble butt.

320. Shit.

321. Charros, I come to you tonight with no theatrics.

322. Goddamn it, Kenny, I thought you were through with the Charros.

323. Yeah, I thought I was too.

324. But now I have returned for one more fucking game.

325. I have Sebastian's blessing and I was hoping to get yours.

326. But why? I don't even know what baseball means to you anymore.

327. I deserve that.

328. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't here

329. primarily to play for the scout

330. that is rumored to be here tonight.

331. But there's also a very small pt of me...

332. Yet significant part.

333. that would always regret

334. how I left things here with the team.

335. Ese brillante, no. Okay?

336. Team, Roger,

337. Benji, bat boy...

338. I genuinely am sorry.

339. I brought you guys up from less than fucking nothing

340. and took you up to a championship level

341. only to abandon you there.

342. Leave you high and dry.

343. Naked and nude,

344. prey, easy targets

345. for the competitions to rape and butt-fuck you.

346. I'm sorry for that.

347. Actually, we've been playing pretty good.

348. We've won the last three games, right?

349. Well, don't get too cocky, Roger.

350. That's probably because there's still a little

351. residual Kenny Powers pixie dust

352. floating around all your little heads.

353. Let's face it, guys. After midnight

354. this whole fucking place turns into a pumpkin

355. and you guys all turn back into mice.

356. This is a classic Cinderella tale here.

357. You know, Peter Pan will no longer be a man,

358. he'll turn into real boy.

359. George Washington will never be able to cut down the beanstalk.

360. You guys will eventually just go back

361. to being the shittiest Mexican baseball team in Mexico.

362. These are the hard realities, guys.

363. Life is not a fairytale.

364. Although sometimes it feels like our world is full of fairies.

365. You know who I'm talking about.

366. I still accept you, brother.

367. Purity, that's what we all desire.

368. And that is what I've come here

369. to share with you, hence the all whites.

370. We can do some fucking great things tonight, you guys.

371. Follow me,

372. walk with me out onto that field

373. and when you do, you fucking put ur ass out

374. and you raise your fucking head up.

375. Know that you'll never ever, ever reach the heights

376. that you're gonna reach tonight. But you can leave here knowing

377. that you helped Kenny Powers' dreams come true.

378. And for a bunch of Mexican baseball players,

379. that ain't too bad.

380. If you're gonna play tonight,

381. you're gonna play like everybody else.

382. No donkey, no smoke bombs, no dick thrusts.

383. Just pure pitching.

384. I can fucking dig that.

385. We're all Mexicans tonight, Kenny.

386. You're goddamned right we are.

387. Can we bring it in? Can we fucking bring it in?

388. Come on, come on in.

389. - A Mexican fucking chant. - Come on!

390. Let's kick some ass! We're Mexican!

391. Mexico, Mexico, Mexico!

392. I'm a fucking Mexican tonight!

393. I'm a fucking Mexican! I'm a fucking Mexican!

394. All right, I'm gonna go change my clothes.

395. I don't wanna get shit on my slacks.

396. Strike!

397. Strike!

398. April's tits.

399. You're out!

400. Finally, motherfuckers.

401. Hey. Way to go, homes.

402. Take it easy, Carlos.

403. See you, Juanito. Take care of them warts.

404. You threw a hell of a game, Kenny.

405. Game ball.

406. Thanks, Roger.

407. I'll put this with my collection of personal achievements.

408. I mean, not right next to the good shit but still.

409. Kenny Powers! Sweet-ass game, motherfucker.

410. I'm so proud of you, man.

411. All right. Too hot for hugs here, man.

412. I've been battling the war on swamp ass

413. since I've been down here.

414. A little talcum powder on the groin will keep it fresh.

415. Talcum? Yes, sir.

416. Roy McDaniel, scout from Texas.

417. Like what I saw out there tonight.

418. You weren't bullshitting, huh?

419. I was not. This is the scout from Texas.

420. P.A.T. told me you were throwing grenades

421. down here south of the border. I got in my Escalade.

422. To Mexico? Oh. That's when you came here.

423. To see you. To see me.

424. Yes, sir.

425. What do you think? Does Texas want a fucking taste?

426. Well, they want to nibble, all right?

427. There is a difference between mowing down Mexicans

428. down here south of the border

429. than mowing down the big boys up in, uh, major leagues.

430. Yeah, they don't speak the same language.

431. It a different level of player but, uh...

432. But still, it's still very difficult.

433. It's very hotter down here. You look good out there.

434. Oh, I don't think you're ready for the bigs just yet.

435. I don't, but... Pat, you motherfucker.

436. All right, hey, hey, hey. Wasting my time again?

437. Don't motherfuck Pat.

438. Pat's been on your side the whole time.

439. You don't know the history. Pat has fucked me before.

440. No, just listen to the man, listen to the man.

441. I was ready to go home get the goddamn girl of my dreams.

442. Came here wasting time... Kenny Powers.

443. Pat got you in the door, he got me down here.

444. I came with good news.

445. Myrtle Beach.

446. You come out there, you show me the stuff

447. you got on the mound tonight

448. in training camp in Myrtle Beach,

449. I don't see why you cat play for our double A.

450. Double A, huh? Double A.

451. So we're talking minors?

452. We're talking training camp, then minors.

453. We're talking come to the team, throw one game,

454. show everyone what I'm working with into the bigs.

455. Probably more than one game, to be fair.

456. Maybe two games, smoke 'em into the bigs.

457. Maybe more than two.

458. What I'm saying is you'll be on your way.

459. I'm talking about getting you back into American baseball.

460. All right, well, that does sound enticing.

461. You gotta trust me.

462. I'm not down here to tickle fucking balls.

463. I hope not.

464. I chased my dream, I got it.

465. I sucked my dream's cock.

466. I'm gay, I'm fucking proud of it.

467. No, that's cool. You know, pride is great.

468. Whatever raises your skirt.

469. And if you wanna wear a skirt

470. I'm not gonna fucking judge you for it.

471. You wanna get back in big leagues?

472. I'm ready. Follow me.

473. I like how we talk. Fucking lick it.

474. Spring training, Myrtle Beach.

475. Kenny Powers, it is time to quit tickling balls

476. and start sucking your dream's dick.

477. If that's what it takes

478. then a cocking dream it will be sucked upon.

479. Swallow that motherfucker. Swallow it.

480. Suck it, suck the dick.

481. Big ass. Let's suck my dream's dick.

482. Fight on it, big boy!

483. I like this guy.

484. Are we gonna party in Myrtle Beach?

485. Suck a dream's dick. Let's party tonight.

486. I wish I could.

487. I got some Mexican cake back at my hotel room.

488. Let's fucking smear it all over each other.

489. We're fucking celebrating, man. Let's do this.

490. I got a mission to complete.

491. See your ass in Myrtle Beach. Myrtle.

492. Kenny Powers. Myrtle, K.P.

493. Chapter 17: done and fucking done.

494. Just like that the journey is over.

495. Depression is finished and you're on your way back

496. to the world of the living, smiling regular people.

497. The road has been paved with dickheads, backstabbers

498. and pains in the fucking ass.

499. But memories were made, allies were had,

500. pot smokers were toppled

501. and the truth was discovered.

502. And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough

503. the road might just show you what you need.

504. All you gotta do is keep your eyes on the road

505. and your foot on the fucking gas.

506. Do you like it?

507. Yeah, I mean did I like it how it was before,

508. regular style? Yes.

509. But I'm sure I'll get to like this style too, man.

510. Ah. Change is good, my friend.

511. That it is. You're a good neighbor, hombre.

512. You take that with you to the grave.

513. Look at these two little bandidos.

514. I know that we didn't always agree on the same kind of music

515. or leisure sports but I am gonna miss y'all.

516. Slap it there. There we go.

517. Put it there buddy. Put a shirt on, man.

518. Heh. I got something for you.

519. Boom.

520. He's yours.

521. Whenever I look at a Mexican I will think of you.

522. Whenever you look at that jackass you think of me.

523. Okay?

524. Miss you, buddy. They'll take care of you.

525. Come on, he's yours.

526. Here, come on, get on him.

527. Just be careful about the back legs.

528. He will kick you in the face. I'm serious.

529. All right, guys, come on, time to make tracks.

530. - Time to go. - Catuey's wife,

531. grandma lady, I know that we always didn't communicate.

532. I don't think we ever really got over that language barrier.

533. No, it's not your fault.

534. What the fuck? You speak English?

535. Of course I do.

536. You've spoke English the whole time?

537. I speak English since I was 5 years old.

538. - Five? - And I have 84 now.

539. Whoo, you don't look a day over 110.

540. All the talks we could've had,

541. all the wisdom you could've shared.

542. Pfft! Crazy I find this out right now

543. as soon as I'm leaving this fucking country.

544. Well, it's nice to meet you.

545. Nice to meet you too. Thank you.

546. Stevie, Maria, let's dance our way on out of here, huh?

547. - Gotta go. - Let's do it.

548. - Adios, you guys. - Adios.

549. I love you too.

550. I love you too.

551. Bye, Catuey.

552. Adios, Mexico.