Eastbound & Down 2x5

1. What the fuck are you doing, Kenny?

2. I hope I haven't intimidated you

3. with my alpha-ness.

4. This whole time I thought you were

5. the whore with a heart of gold.

6. Instead you're just a whore with a regular whore's heart.

7. Give me that, motherfucker. Kenny!

8. Whoo!

9. I quit, Roger! I fucking quit!

10. I found Eduardo Sanchez.

11. Well, hello, Kenny.

12. Hello, Pop.

13. How'd you find me, son?

14. Oh, I have my resources.

15. That your car?

16. This old thing? You bet your ass.

17. I paid cash for the motherfucker.

18. Bought it with an advance that I was paid for this,

19. uh, self-help novel I'm about to have published

20. onto the Oprah's book clubs.

21. So you're rich, huh?

22. Oh, yeah.

23. I pretty much saved all my pennies

24. from my major league days.

25. Invested a lot of it very wisely

26. in stocks, bonds, famous works of arts.

27. You rich too?

28. I'm rich enough.

29. Why do you think I'm digging this goddamn hole?

30. I don't know. Maybe to bury your shit like a cat. Ha.

31. Think again.

32. I got so much income,

33. I'm having to hid all the shit outside the house.

34. Got holes like this all over my grounds.

35. I'm the only one knows where they're at.

36. Well, we know where that one's at.

37. Wrong a second time.

38. This is a fake hole.

39. I started digging this one when I saw you pull up.

40. You should put your money in the bank,

41. because somebody could come in here with a metal detector

42. or something and... Who's the poon?

43. He's my assistant.

44. He's a poon.

45. A poon or not,

46. looks like only one of us has an assistant.

47. Unless of course yours is buried

48. in one of these fucking gopher holes.

49. His dead assistant.

50. Same old Kenny. Ten pounds of shit

51. in a 5-pound bag.

52. And friends with faggots.

53. Well, first off on the tour, I'll show you my barn.

54. That's where I do my inventing.

55. I used to grow enough crops to completely sustain myself.

56. But after mastering the art of agriculture,

57. I've grown bored with it. Hence its neglect.

58. This is my getting-around-town ride.

59. A little beat up but still a classic.

60. Yeah, my getting-around-town ride is a Lambo,

61. but you already knew that.

62. Well, I can't compete with you on a car level.

63. That's true.

64. I've never been much for the open road.

65. Heh-heh. Of course.

66. That's why I have a plane and also a boat.

67. You have wings and a ship?

68. They're in remote storage next to my grottos.

69. Goddamn, that's impressive.

70. Now keep in mind this is just our summer home.

71. Uh, sorry, house rules. No butt-huggers.

72. This is my father's estate. We do have to obey his policies.

73. Why don't you keep an eye on the whip?

74. Make sure none of the villagers try to fuck with it.

75. Okay, honey puss, take a break.

76. Somebody I want you to meet.

77. This is Soledad, my wife.

78. She keeps me on time

79. and I keep her moist in her underpants.

80. Uh, this is, uh, Kenneth a stranger I met in town.

81. He's rolling through Mexico with the Harlem Globetrotters.

82. Oh, well, nice to meet you.

83. Are you staying for dinner then?

84. I'm not really sure why he's lying about me

85. being a worker for the Harlem Globetrotters.

86. That's not what I am. I'm his son.

87. I'm just dicking with you, Kenny.

88. Yeah, he's my, uh, kid from, uh, up in the States.

89. I'm a professional baseball player.

90. You probably have heard of me.

91. Oh, wow.

92. You're a baseball player, huh?

93. A famous baseball player in the familia.

94. I had no idea.

95. So we're not much for bragging, are we, Eduardo?

96. Oh, no, Eduardo doesn't like to talk about his past.

97. Yeah, obviously he doesn't like using

98. his real name either.

99. Well, you know how it is.

100. You start pulling on a little thread

101. and the next thing you know you just fucked up the entire shirt.

102. Who's this nerd?

103. Oh, Casper.

104. What's up?

105. Casper don't talk much.

106. That's cool.

107. Honestly, I feel like most teens these days talk too much anyway.

108. Yeah, well, that one's your brother.

109. He's my what?

110. You're fucking kidding, right?

111. Yeah, y'all both came out of this old man's jizz.

112. Yo say. Yo say, Maria.

113. Oh shit, shit, shit.

114. Oh...

115. Hey, how's the bonding going, big guy?

116. Oh, it's still going on.

117. I'm just gonna come out here for a timeout.

118. Turns out I got a goddamn stepmom

119. and a fucking Navajo half brother.

120. Do you want me to come in there

121. and maybe mediate for you, or I could help out in...

122. No, I don't... I don't see how that would be helpful.

123. I think I would like you just to post up out here.

124. Just to post up? Okay. Yeah.

125. Why are you acting weird? What do you have in your pocket?

126. Uh, in my pockets? Other pocket.

127. What do you keep fucking hiding from me?

128. Just my phone. Um, I was just calling...

129. Maria? No!

130. What a bitch, dude.

131. You're out here talking to Maria?

132. I'm just talking to my mom. Fuck your mom.

133. Keep the lines clear. I need your full concentration here.

134. This is the most important moment of my life.

135. Got you. Yeah, Stevie?

136. I have a question.

137. Um, are we going to be staying here for dinner,

138. or are we going to be going back for dinner?

139. Stevie, please don't make me put a damn time limit

140. on all this emotional discovery.

141. Okay, I am sorry that your brother is Navajo.

142. Me too. I know that would be very upsetting.

143. If I found out I had a half-black brother

144. or a whole-black brother, I would be very upset.

145. Ah. Okay, I'm going back in right now.

146. Okay.

147. Good luck. Be quiet. Thank you.

148. Where'd everybody go?

149. Don't know.

150. They just left you in here alone,

151. doing some arts and crafts and shit?

152. What are you making, a piñata penis pump?

153. I'm just making some shit for my fucking house party next week.

154. Oh, you like to party?

155. It's a birthday party.

156. A birthday party? How old are you gonna be?

157. Fifteen.

158. You and your stupid fucking hat.

159. Sitting here getting your goddamn hooks in Pop.

160. Honestly, I can't say I blame you.

161. Seems like you've had things pretty good here,

162. flying on planes, fixing up old cars, eating veggies,

163. sucking down Goya beans.

164. Heh. Basically living the dream life, huh?

165. Well, unfortunately for you, all that shit ends today.

166. Casper, I'm not letting anything

167. stand in the way of me bonding with that man,

168. do you understand me? You want to come to my party?

169. I don't give a shit about your party, all right?

170. You cocky-ass motherfucker.

171. You think you're gonna win, huh?

172. This isn't over with me and you, dude.

173. I'm gonna fuck you up.

174. Well, there you are. My two boys.

175. I'm just feeling kind of oddly energetic

176. just looking at the two of you.

177. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.

178. Almost like you never abandoned me at all

179. and I've always been part of your family.

180. Good.

181. Kenny, isn't it about time

182. you saw how the old man plies his trade?

183. I'd love too.

184. Let's go.

185. And how are all you fine people today?

186. - Great. - Awesome.

187. Everybody ready to have some fun?

188. Yeah! I know she is.

189. All right, strap in. Put your helmets on, little ladies.

190. I know these helmets make you look like a puss, but trust me,

191. you do not want to rely on these quacks down here

192. in these hospitals to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

193. All right, let's saddle up and blaze these ponies.

194. I'm about to show you all the beauty

195. of unspoiled nature that is Mexico.

196. Well, all right.

197. We'll stop here for a little siesta.

198. You can take in the scenery or, uh, go for a swim if you like.

199. Also, Casper here is available

200. as company photographer.

201. Take your pictures. Five bucks a pop.

202. Uh, cash only please. Thank you.

203. Thank you. All right.

204. Not bad.

205. You know, I individually own

206. the largest fleet of non-occupational ATVs

207. in a non-resort area in South Mexico.

208. Man, our bond is just making so much sense to me now, man.

209. It's just like, you know, I'm seriously into Jet Skis,

210. and the experience they offer is very similar to the ATVs,

211. you know, except that it's on water.

212. Jet Skis are fun, sure, but for me,

213. being on the back of a TRX or a Yamaha Grizzly,

214. it just makes my dick hard.

215. Yeah, I've actually had multiple orgasms on Jet Skis.

216. Whoa, back that ass up.

217. Maybe it's something in our blood

218. that we can just, you know, get hard

219. from riding fucking badass, you know,

220. terrain vehicles, watercrafts.

221. Have you ever climbed to the top of a mountain

222. on a Jet Ski?

223. Man. You got me there. I have not. Goddamn, that would be awesome.

224. Someday maybe we'll take that ride.

225. I'd like that.

226. Yeah.

227. I gotta take a piss.

228. Fuck.

229. Whoo! Cheeseburger in paradise.

230. How fucking badass is he?

231. Fuck, man.

232. I love the feel of the breeze on my dick.

233. Well, it looks like we found what we were looking for.

234. We sure did.

235. Ooh, cheeseburgers in paradise.

236. It's been real nice having you here.

237. You know, when you first showed up,

238. I gotta admit my first thought was,

239. "Goddamn, is he gonna ask me for some money?"

240. Heh. But you got your own money.

241. I can relax around you.

242. That's a pretty cool-dude thing of you to say.

243. Do you wanna tell me something, son?

244. I bullshitted you, Pop.

245. What are you talking about?

246. Truth be told, things aren't going as good for me

247. as I let on to believe.

248. The love of my life married some other dude.

249. And my new girlfriend, fed her pussy to the owner

250. of the baseball team I just quit.

251. I stole homeboy's car

252. and now I'm probably a wanted fucking fugitive.

253. You stole that Lambo?

254. Mm-hm.

255. Oh, Kenny.

256. I'm disappointed you would lie to me.

257. We're family. I will not judge you.

258. I just don't know where it all went wrong.

259. It just kind of seems like if there was somebody in my life

260. who I really trusted and they could give me

261. some awesome advice right now, it might help.

262. You mean like fatherly advice?

263. Yeah, maybe just tell me if I'm messing up

264. by turning my back on baseball.

265. Oh, hell no. Kenny, you can't be running around

266. worrying about every goddamn bridge you burn.

267. You'll never get across the river.

268. So you're saying I did the right thing

269. by running away from all my problems?

270. I believe you gotta do what you feel in the moment.

271. You gotta trust in your feelings.

272. If you wanna buy something that you like, buy it.

273. Don't worry about the money. You just buy it.

274. Yeah. If you wanna have sex

275. with a girl, have sex with her.

276. You wanna leave the condom off, go for it.

277. It feels better that way.

278. It does.

279. I think you gotta do exactly

280. what you wanna do, matter what.

281. This makes so much sense.

282. I mean, here I am living with all these regrets,

283. thinking I wronged all these people

284. and ruined my life.

285. But you're saying I'm good.

286. You're good. Ha!

287. Thank you, Pop.

288. I honestly feel so confident and just fucking bold and great

289. about all my decisions and actions now.

290. Fuck it.

291. Fuck it.

292. To the moment.

293. Hey, how's shit going over there at the kids table?

294. It sucks.

295. Boys, I'm sorry there's no room at the inn.

296. Ah, no harm, no foul, Pop.

297. I think it's just more rude of Casper

298. to not offer his bed to guests, but whatever.

299. Yeah, this will be good.

300. All right, house rules: No jerking each other off.

301. This is my workspace and I don't want you spraying all over

302. all my inventions.

303. We won't, Mr. Powers.

304. Hey, thanks for showing us a good time today,

305. and I appreciate all that advice.

306. I look forward to more tomorrow.

307. All right. Good night, son.

308. Good night, Pop.

309. Good night, Mr. Powers.

310. Tell me a story, Kenny.

311. Not tonight, Stevie. Not tonight.

312. The good thing about getting over depression

313. is, well, you can start to see your enemies more clearly.

314. Suddenly everyone isn't an obstacle.

315. Just some people are.

316. And they might be someone that you find

317. is in your bloodline.

318. Distant and as brown as their skin may be,

319. they still are a part of you.

320. I'm not saying this from a personal experience.

321. I'm just saying in general,

322. if you find someone you don't like in your family,

323. it is perfectly okay to fuck them over.

324. - Did you piss? - Yes, I did.

325. And my bladder is el emptio.

326. Kenny, how long are we gonna stay here?

327. Well, it's hard to say, Stevie.

328. I don't really got shit going on back in Copales.

329. Maybe I'll just live here.

330. Get a job at Dirt Diablos giving ATV tours. Who knows?

331. No. No, you cannot do that.

332. Says who?

333. It's beneath you.

334. Beneath me?

335. Dirt Diablos is beneath me?

336. Yes.

337. Here my father gives us a home to sleep in

338. and a warm comfortable bed,

339. and you sit here and insult the life

340. he worked so hard to build outside of my family.

341. That's not what I'm saying.

342. Kenny, your dad is cool and all, but you're not like him.

343. You're supposed to be in a baseball field,

344. surrounded by millions of people.

345. Stevie, you don't think I fucking know all this?

346. I know it's not ideal, man,

347. but right now it's the fucking best option I have.

348. So please just go back to sleep on your hay bed

349. and get some rest.

350. I got a full day of outdoing Casper

351. and bonding with my father.

352. Kenny, I have something to tell you

353. and I am scared to tell you this...

354. Stevie just go to sleep, go to sleep.

355. Steven go to sleep. Kenny...

356. Kenny, I lied.

357. April and Cutler are not married.

358. What the fuck did you just say?

359. I lied to you.

360. I lied to you and I'm sorry.

361. It's just that when I came down here,

362. I missed you so much that I thought...

363. I thought we could start our own life here,

364. where we were just two outlaws

365. that are just like friends and doing great...

366. Aah!

367. Oh, God. You hit me.

368. I deserved it.

369. Yes, you did, Stevie.

370. I can't believe you'd lie about that.

371. Look, I have never understood the love

372. between a man and a woman before

373. until I met Maria.

374. And now I realize that what I did was not right.

375. It was wrong.

376. This is some heavy shit you're dropping on me here.

377. Kenny, you cannot stay here.

378. You can still get her back.

379. Get her back?

380. Yeah.

381. Yeah, right.

382. Nope, it's over, Stevie.

383. It's time I take my dad's advice:

384. Stop thinking about other people,

385. start thinking about me for once.

386. Kenny.

387. I've found my place, Stevie.

388. If you don't like it, you can leave.

389. I intend to enjoy myself.

390. Yep, this is the spot.

391. You gents ever hit this shit?

392. Does the pope blow little kids?

393. I figured you did.

394. I wasn't sure about Steven there,

395. but, uh, to be honest,

396. I'm still kind of up in the air about what gender he really is.

397. What? I am obviously a man, sir.

398. Ha! Well, that's not what your pussy doctor says.

399. Ha-ha! A fucking pussy doctor!

400. Man, oh, man.

401. This is crazy as shit.

402. Here, after all this time,

403. two journeyman, father and son.

404. Thank you.

405. Getting high as hell in Mexico.

406. Just smoking herb and riding around on recreational vehicles.

407. I kind of feel like this is how I was always meant to live.

408. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately,

409. and seeing how well me and you are reconnecting,

410. I was thinking about sticking around here for a while.

411. Because I love you, Dad.

412. Huh.

413. I don't usually say "love" to other dudes.

414. That's something that's, you know,

415. not really on my docket of shit to do.

416. But for some reason, it just feels normal

417. to say it to you, Pop.

418. I like it. I could fucking sit here

419. and just talk about love all goddamn day.

420. Love, love this. Love smoking weed...

421. But you don't have to.

422. I know, but it just... I don't know.

423. I just haven't never done that before.

424. I think it's okay for men to have feelings

425. that they don't want to express a lot

426. but that sometimes they do express.

427. I think it's okay. No.

428. Nope it's not. Not for you to do it, it's not.

429. Give that to me. Thank you.

430. Don't give him anymore of that shit.

431. No, that's a good rule.

432. You seem a little distracted

433. from our pinnacle father/son bonding moment here.

434. Everything cool?

435. Yeah. No, I just thought I heard something.

436. Oh, you're getting a little fucking paranoid?

437. Old Pops fucking getting stoned like a 14-year-old

438. Scared thinking the fucking cops are coming.

439. All right, now don't do anything stupid.

440. Oh, who the fuck is this? The cops are coming for real?

441. These two are the bandidos.

442. I'm the one that made the call. Code name Emerald.

443. Emerald.

444. You cocksucker. You betrayed me?

445. Now... Now don't take it personally, son.

446. It's just Mexico.

447. Goddamn it. Just Mexico? What kind of shit is this?

448. Goddamn it! No, I ain't going. Okay, I'm coming. Fuck.

449. Oh, shit!

450. All right, uh, where do I go to pick up the bounty?

451. There is no bounty.

452. Oh, now that's bullshit.

453. Those two are fugitives.

454. I turned them in.

455. A man ought to get a reward.

456. Now let's just cut through the Mexican red tape right now.

457. Yeah, you're right. Go home, Eduardo.

458. We'll get it from here.

459. Fucking snitch.

460. Oh, you fucking... Oh, jackals. Fuck.

461. Okay, I'm in.

462. Unbelievable!

463. Asshole.

464. I know that it hurts a lot.

465. Just know that if you want to cry,

466. you can and I will not judge you.

467. Stevie, I'm not sad, dude.

468. I'm more just fucking mad.

469. And I should have saw this coming.

470. Me and him are exactly the same

471. except, you know, I have talent.

472. What a fucking mess everything's become.

473. Powers. Sí.

474. Someone paid your bail.

475. I do paperwork.

476. Oh, you do.

477. Hello, Kenny.

478. Soledad.

479. You paid to have me freed?

480. Mm-hm.

481. Uh, could you pay to have me free too?

482. See why the fuck are you always trying to horn in

483. on my moments, dude? Fine.

484. I'll just go back here in Mexican jail.

485. Goddamn.

486. I can arrange to have your friend freed as well.

487. Yeah, in time. I want answers first.

488. Your daddy's a real motherfucker.

489. I don't know why you came to find him.

490. You don't want to end up like him.

491. I mean, he doesn't seem so bad.

492. He's married to you and owns a successful ATV tour company.

493. He doesn't own the company. I do.

494. His lazy ass has been mooching off my tit for years.

495. Hm, so not only did he fucking sell me out

496. to the Federales, but he also is lying about

497. his whole entire deal here in Mexico?

498. - Yes, he is. - Goddamn it.

499. What a motherfucker.

500. Well, where is he?

501. He's in the car.

502. Just so you know,

503. I'm planning on leaving him.

504. If you want to stick around.

505. Ooh.

506. How fucked up would that be, huh?

507. Oh, very nasty.

508. Ooh, you guys are bad.

509. Why are you shitting in the prison, Stevie?

510. Stop looking at me shit! Stop it!

511. Haven't you guys ever heard of Montezuma's revenge?

512. If you guys knew how to boil meat or grill it,

513. this shit wouldn't be happening.

514. Well?

515. I'm sorry I turned you over to the cops.

516. Are you sorry for real or are you just sorry

517. because Soledad's is making you?

518. That woman can't make me do shit.

519. Why? Because you wear the pants in the family

520. and own the ATV company?

521. Or because you're fucking lying?

522. She blew my cover, huh?

523. Yeah, you bet your ass she did,

524. and I'm glad she did.

525. I came down here looking for guidance from you,

526. and instead you intentionally fucked me.

527. I just don't understand why you fucking lied.

528. Oh, fuck off!

529. What are you coming back at me all high and mighty?

530. You're no angel.

531. You think what you're doing down here is any different?

532. Running around Mexico talking about

533. how you wanna get back in the majors.

534. You're living a lie, son.

535. Welcome to the club.

536. Crazy.

537. Here I grow up a whole entire world away from you

538. and end up exactly like you.

539. A lying, cheating, backstabbing gigolo.

540. Well, you know what?

541. I don't think I wanna be like you anymore.

542. Well, maybe I'll see you in hell then.

543. The old Powers men tag team and a couple of she-devils.

544. I got two hard rules I live by, Pop.

545. I don't fuck with the devil

546. and I never do tag teams with blood relatives.

547. Take it easy, old man.

548. Where are you going?

549. Home.

550. Can we give you a lift?

551. Nah, I think we're good.

552. So are we just gonna walk?

553. No, Stevie, we're not gonna fucking walk.

554. Hi, this is April.

555. I'm not home right now, but leave a message

556. and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

557. I'm coming for you.