Eastbound & Down 2x3

1. Kenny! Aah!

2. What's going on with April? Back together with cutler.

3. Good thing I'm in the midst of this monumental comeback.

4. When I take the mound it's a big deal.

5. I'm talking about fireworks, smoke bombs, laser beams.

6. Pow! Done.

7. Friday is gonna be the biggest comeback celebration.

8. There's gonna be people cheering and screaming.

9. So don't be jealous little bitches.

10. Please let me join you on this Hispanic adventure.

11. Welcome to the resistance. Fuck, yes.

12. oh, what the fuck, Stevie! Gross!

13. You're crop-dusting my whole entire bedroom with your pubes.

14. Oh, sorry, Kenny.

15. Don't be sorry, dude. Just cover up that marble sack.

16. I think you mean marbles and bananas, Kenny.

17. I don't think so. I'm just seeing marbles.

18. Then you're not looking close enough.

19. I dot want to fucking look closer.

20. Okay. Wait a second here.

21. Hold up. Hold up!

22. Hold up.

23. What? Is that my thong?

24. Yeah, all my stuff had blood on it.

25. Oh, dude, no way. You do not go in my drawers

26. and take a pair of my chones. That's a big no-no.

27. I got these out of the dirty clothes hamper.

28. Oh, my God! Sickening. Dude, I'm about the throw up.

29. Stevie, I got a laundry list of shit for you to do tomorrow,

30. and it I like buying new underwear just moved to the top.

31. I'm also gonna need you to fix the denali.

32. What's wrong with it?

33. It don't fucking move. Now, fix it. Jesus h. Christ.

34. Okay, so buy underwear, number one.

35. Number two, fix that car. Anything else?

36. Well, since you're turning this room into your own quarters,

37. maybe you should make it comfortable.

38. It's been a traumatic experience for you, dude.

39. You've been through a lot.

40. Maybe you should get a flat screen tv.

41. Don't skimp and get the vizio.

42. Get what you deserve. Get the Sony.

43. Ooh, I wonder if they have the 3d models here yet.

44. Don't get all excited, dude, 3d's gay.

45. Nobody wants to sit on a couch wearing glasses,

46. popping bubbles out of the air like some fucked-up ray Charles.

47. I do. Oh, you like 3d?

48. Well, here's a burrito. Coming right at you.

49. Shit!

50. Ha-ha-ha. No, no. Stop laughing.

51. I'm about to go goddamn nuclear in Mexico.

52. What's up, powers? Why don't you tell me?

53. Seems like I finally win this team a game,

54. come in her today and the workers are taking

55. my goddamn signs down. What the hell?

56. Oh, look, we always change the promo signs, Kenny.

57. You always change the signs. Well, guess what? Not my signs.

58. My signs are staying up. Trying to mount a comeback here.

59. I feel like nobody gives a shit. Why'd you think that?

60. Because I gave those fucking people, all the villagers,

61. my heart out there and I got shit in return.

62. I didn't even get a fucking this.

63. How fucking hard is it to do this

64. when someone does something good?

65. You think that's the first time our fans have seen a strikeout?

66. Give them time. They'll pick up on you at their own pace.

67. Getting everybody to love me is a full-time job.

68. I got the pitching down but I need to focus on this.

69. If I don't have love, I don't have shit.

70. Look, hey, look the signs outside, the media out there,

71. forget about them, Kenny.

72. Roger, you're dumping all this shit in my lap

73. and I got to play Mr. belvedere and clean it up. Enough!

74. Hey, Kenny. Enough!

75. No.

76. Well, looks like we got Atlanta all over again.

77. Team ain't behind me the way I need them to,

78. so we have to do this ourselves.

79. Kick-start this revolution.

80. I want every single person in this town saying my name.

81. At least you've got the grocery store promotion coming up.

82. You're right. It's a perfect opportunity for me

83. to capture the hearts and minds of these fucking villagers.

84. Also, I'm about one slow hump away

85. from finally being over April.

86. I want to knock that out

87. before we get too many worshipers, you got it?

88. Actually, Maria, my sister-in-law, she's available.

89. She is? Ugh, sick.

90. Not interested. I always trade up.

91. That's part of my code.

92. Kenny. Kenny.

93. Oh, hey. How's it going? You hear I was in the barrio?

94. I was just going to the grocery store, but...

95. Yeah, sure you were.

96. Why are you dressed as a mariachi?

97. You know, I'm just doing some pr shit here for the baseball team.

98. Figured I'd dress in the customary, you know,

99. gowns and whatnot.

100. You... ? You likey?

101. Yeah, you look cute.

102. Do I look muy guapo in this outfit?

103. Oh, yeah.

104. Delicioso, matatan. You hear that?

105. This guy over here. Cheese dick.

106. So, um, you're signing autographs?

107. Yeah, I'm supposed to be.

108. How come there's no one in your line?

109. That's a good question.

110. I've been trying to figure that out all goddamn morning.

111. Sometimes I just feel like

112. if you don't have a goddamn soccer ball

113. bouncing off your head,

114. nobody even gives two damn shits

115. about you in this country.

116. Pick it up. Tantos, pick it up.

117. Soccer is really popular here.

118. Well, it's not in America.

119. In America, people fucking hate soccer.

120. And honestly, that's the way it should be.

121. I don't know. I... I kind of like soccer.

122. You kind of like soccer?

123. Yeah. I'm gonna pretend

124. like you didn't just make my dick go soft.

125. Really? Yeah.

126. No, it's totally soft... it's just gone back inside of me.

127. No don't talk about soccer.

128. Well, maybe...

129. Maybe you can show me why baseball is better.

130. Gladly. How about, say, Saturday night

131. at a very cool yacht party?

132. A yacht party?

133. Just a few top-tier types.

134. An intimate dinner with the owner of the charros.

135. There's gonna be an ass-ton of crabs, lobsters, wine.

136. Bartles & Jaymes, corn on the cob, fucking booger sugar.

137. But I... I can't tell when you're being serious or not.

138. Sweetheart, I'm always serious. Care for an autograph?

139. That's me and you, Saturday night.

140. Okay. See you on Saturday.

141. That's what's up.

142. All right, matatan, you get the rest of these.

143. I'm gonna take me a siesta.

144. Hola.

145. Hey, Maria. Time to change my bandage?

146. Looks like I'm healing pretty good, right?

147. Oh, that's right, you don't speak English.

148. I could just say whatever I want right now.

149. Like tell you my secrets and dreams and hopes and pleasures.

150. Tell you what I like to do alone.

151. What my favorite foods are. That's why I like you.

152. Hey, man.

153. - May I help you? - Is Steve here?

154. Uh, yeah. G.

155. Uh, okay.

156. Got him.

157. Where is he? Right in front of you.

158. Who the fuck are you guys?

159. You tell that asshole we found Eduardo Sanchez.

160. He give us money. We give him address.

161. Go inside. I'll handle this.

162. Who the hell is Eduardo Sanchez?

163. Don't ask fucking questions.

164. Meet Monday at big red's grave.

165. Who the hell is big red?

166. Fuck you, and fuck your face.

167. Piece of shit.

168. Yeah, you better get the fuck on.

169. Suck this, motherfucker.

170. Piece of crap.

171. Bitches.

172. Yeah. Whoo-hoo! Party.

173. Yay.

174. Yay.

175. Here we go.

176. Yeah.

177. Wow, that bike ride was fun. All right.

178. Yeah, well, my main car's usually a denali,

179. but that shit's in the shop.

180. Just cruising around on this eco-friendly deal now,

181. trying to go green.

182. Wow, so the man who own this boat, is...?

183. Is he your boss, or...?

184. Well, he owns the team, you know, but the way I'm operating,

185. I don't really kind of adhere to the normal boss kind of shit.

186. Ahoy. Hi.

187. Help me. Thank you. Sure.

188. All right. On two, three.

189. There you go. Thanks.

190. Easy, tanto. She's with me. Why don't you sit down.

191. Oh, my star player.

192. Tonight's the night. Ye.

193. Who is this firecracker?

194. I'm vida.

195. You have a beautiful boat.

196. Oh, thank you. I work so hard for it.

197. Welcome aboard, and meet the people on the boat.

198. Come on, mi gente. Let's get this party started.

199. Start the party.

200. thanks for inviting me to this shit.

201. It's fucking fairly fly.

202. Look at that. Look at that.

203. I told you I'd bring the hottest señorita in Mexico.

204. How long have you been with this one?

205. Vida? Yeah.

206. She's been coming after me for weeks, man.

207. I just have to kind of deflect her with both hands.

208. Like, slow down, girl. Stop trying to be the one.

209. I'm just out of a relationship.

210. But I bet you that sweet ass

211. makes you forget about any old relationship.

212. Yeah, that's for sure. That's why sometimes I masturbate.

213. Hard to beat a nice ass.

214. I take a nice ass over like a big set of titties any day. You?

215. I like them both. I think they're both fucking awesome.

216. Obviously. But if you had to choose

217. between titties or ass, which one?

218. Yeah, I see now what you're saying. It's a hard choice.

219. It's a choice in life. No shit. I mean, I guess

220. if I had to choose, I mean historilly,

221. I've always considered myself to be a tit man.

222. But this one has you thinking.

223. Well, it's no mystery

224. that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy.

225. It's almost like a muslim-jewish thing, but with tits and ass.

226. And which side are you on?

227. All right. Same rules as last time. No catching feelings.

228. I'm damaged goods, so you will have my body

229. but you will not have my heart. Please don't expect it.

230. Ha-ha. Stop talking.

231. And pull out your dick.

232. I want to play.

233. Hey.

234. Who the hell are you?

235. My name is Tony.

236. What is your name is?

237. Huh. My name is Kenny.

238. What, do you live here

239. yeah. What are you,

240. like vida's roommate or shit?

241. No.

242. I'm her son. Her son?

243. You came out of her vagina? Huh?

244. I was all up in that shit last night.

245. What are you watching on this tv set? This programs?

246. So much funny stuff.

247. I've seen shit like this before. It's not funny.

248. Do you like magic?

249. No. Not really.

250. Why, you gonna try to make me disappear?

251. I don't know how.

252. I do.

253. Start calling me "dad."

254. I was wondering if I should feel bad. Not that I'm emotional, but with blowing my load...

255. After finding out that April was married would've hurt.

256. And did it?

257. Not at all.

258. No, it was actually pretty fucking awesome.

259. You should have seen the size of her ass.

260. It was fucking incredible.

261. It was like a goddamn hot-air balloon right in front of me.

262. I went pfft, all over the thing as soon as I saw it.

263. The only thing iffy, turns out she has a kid.

264. What? Like a real one? Seemed pretty real to me.

265. He's sitting there playing fucking magic on the couch.

266. Ew.

267. I don't love the idea of her having a kid.

268. Makes you kind of feel like her uterus is used.

269. But, I mean,

270. I guess the fact I didn't know she had a kid

271. was pretty cool. And this kid

272. is always home alone?

273. Yeah, I guess so.

274. The fucking kid is home alone. Heh-heh.

275. Yeah, it's pretty awesome, huh?

276. She's asking you to try one of those peppers.

277. - These suckers? - They're very good.

278. I don't like fucking around with no peppers.

279. Stevie, you like putting slimy things in your mouth, don't you?

280. Yeah, I do. Suck it, dawg.

281. Put it in. Look at him.

282. Yeah, lookit. Ugh.

283. Don't just lick the tip. Bite it.

284. Ew!

285. Fuck!

286. Ugh!

287. I knew that...

288. What a fucking pussy.

289. Kenny, there was some weird Mexican motherfuckers

290. that came by here yesterday.

291. Well, who were they?

292. Some fucking mongoloid

293. and a fucking dwarf.

294. Well, what did they want?

295. They said they thought they found somebody

296. that you were looking for.

297. Some Mexican name like Eduardo or something like that.

298. Eduardo Sanchez. Yeah, that's it.

299. Who were those dudes, man?

300. They almost tried to step to me, Kenny.

301. Well, the littlest one used to be my sidekick.

302. And the big one, well,

303. pretty much just pissed me off all the time.

304. Did they say where they found him?

305. Wait, wait. Sidekick?

306. So you were down here with another sidekick?

307. How long were you working with him?

308. Pull your head out of your ass, dipshit. This is important.

309. I didn't just come to Mexico to get drunk and fuck prostitutes.

310. I mean, you know, I came here for that,

311. but I also came here for something else too.

312. I came here looking for a man by the name of Eduardo.

313. And who is he?

314. Well,

315. it's really more of a personal quest.

316. I'm not trying to pull a bunch of other people involved.

317. Oh, but you'll put a little troll on the case, huh?

318. Listen, man, don't get your feelings hurt, all right?

319. I came to Mexico to find answers.

320. I thought maybe Eduardo would hold those answers.

321. Maybe he still does.

322. Testing, testing, testing.

323. Batteries working on here.

324. Tone.

325. Finally all the pieces are falling together.

326. All the answers I've been searching for

327. are on the verge of totally being answered.

328. I put in the goddamn man hours.

329. Fucking muscles, the sweats, the tears.

330. Now it's my turn. I got this country wet.

331. Now it's time to bend this bitch over and make her cum.

332. When you talk to these people, my friend.

333. Yes. You gotta make sure

334. you talk to all of them. Okay.

335. Kenny powers! The charros. Kenny powers!

336. Villagers and townspeople,

337. come see Kenny powers destroy the competition in Mexico.

338. He's a national gift from the good people of America to you.

339. Cheer for him.

340. Bow to him. Worship him.

341. Kenny powers,

342. he's the white flame,

343. and he's burning this country to the fucking ground.

344. The white flame, Mr. Kenny fucking powers.

345. All right. Come on.

346. Get these people on their fucking feet, powers.

347. Goddamn. What, is this fucking crowd full of dead people?

348. Get on your feet, you motherfuckers. Come on.

349. Fucking ingrates.

350. Hey, powers! Hurry up, so we can go get fucked up.

351. I know this motherfucker ain't trying to distract me.

352. Hey, Kenny. Nobody gives a shit for you over here in Mexico.

353. Hey, silencio, por favor.

354. Come on, powders.

355. We could have fucked all the tecate girls already.

356. What are you waiting for? The major leagues to call you.

357. What you got to say n, motherfucker?

358. You really want to do this? You really want to do this?

359. Come on, tough guy. You want to be a motherfucking tough guy?

360. Come on!

361. No, no, no!

362. What are you doing?

363. Finally, motherfuckers. Finally!

364. Yes! On your feet. Whoo!

365. Whoo!

366. Whoo...

367. it's like goddamn cocktoberfest in here.

368. I'm excited too, but let's not touch dicks, all right?

369. Ugh.

370. Kenny powers and Barack Obama

371. are the most famous people in show business so fuck it.

372. La flama blanca. La flama blanca.

373. Finally, some Kenny powers fans.

374. It's about time you latinos rose to the occasion.

375. Sign, la flama blanca.

376. Why you keep calling me that? I don't know what that means.

377. It means you, white flame.

378. Me? White flame?

379. No, dude. That's lame as shit.

380. Where the fuck did you hear that?

381. Stupid kid probably just made that up, so fuck it.

382. Now, listen here, little hombre.

383. I'll give you my autograph,

384. but thou shall not fuck up my branding. Do you hear me?

385. I'm wearing all black. All right?

386. Outlaws wear black.

387. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white. Give me that ball.

388. Let's see here. How you say black in español?

389. Negro.

390. You said it, not me.

391. Negro hombre.

392. That's what you and your little buddies need to be chanting.

393. None of the this la flama whatever shit. Take that.

394. Me es negro, guys. I'm a negro. Capiche?

395. You don't even know what capiche means, do you?

396. That's because that's Russian.

397. What the fuck is on your hand?

398. Uh... Fuck this.

399. I don't know how that got there.

400. Goodbye, white flame.

401. No, did...?

402. Did you not just hear what I said?

403. Miss you, buddy.

404. So who's buried here?

405. Just an old friend.

406. Yo, man!

407. Buenos días.

408. Buenos días, backstabbing motherfuckers.

409. So I understand you all have found the man Eduardo Sanchez.

410. Is this true? Yes, we find him.

411. It's found. It's past tense, munchkin.

412. Hey, hey, come on, easy.

413. This is a simple transaction.

414. There's no reason for anybody to get cut, okay?

415. Lower the scissors and the tiny blade. Please. Lower them.

416. Tell your bitch to stop sassing me.

417. I am not his bitch.

418. Just shh, all right?

419. No reason to fucking bicker.

420. At one point, both of y'all were my bitches, so it's fine.

421. You can bond on that. You don't be at each other's throats.

422. Just give me and Hector some money

423. and we'll give you the address.

424. - We're keeping the pillowcase. - Yes

425. fucking sleep on it. Let me have the money first.

426. Good, we will keep it.

427. How much is that?

428. About $40.

429. Forty dollars?

430. That's not $40.

431. Forty bucks is all you're gonna get.

432. Just give us the fucking address. Come on.

433. What the fuck is this?

434. Hello, hello?

435. The hell is his saying? Hello?

436. Phone book, motherfucker, phone book.

437. Hector thinks he might be in there somewhere.

438. You motherfuckers.

439. Whoa!

440. So you roll me twice, huh?

441. Why don't you go back home where you belong?

442. Why do you keep telling me to go home?

443. Where the fuck are you from? You're not from Mexico.

444. I'm from the streets of Bombay.

445. Mexico is the place where the gold is.

446. Well, I haven't seen any fucking gold around here.

447. Follow the yellow-brick road. Ha-ha-ha!

448. Maybe I'll find the ewok village you came from.

449. You got it wrong, buddy. I'm yoda.

450. Why don't you two charlatans just get the hell out of here

451. before I rip that fake moustache off your face.

452. I always carry two. Always.

453. Vamanos, Hector. Vamanos. Ha-ha-ha!

454. Fuck.

455. I'm the king!

456. Of what, motherfucker? Of mustaches?

457. Fucking motherfuckers. Fuck. Fuck.

458. Nice pants. Where'd you get them at, gap baby?

459. Don't fall in the river and someone mistake you

460. for a fucking floating turd.

461. - Fuck you. - Fuck you too, bitch.

462. Goddamn it.

463. Oh, fuck. It was my fault, dude.

464. Should have never trusted a man that size.

465. So who is Eduardo Sanchez?

466. Doesn't matter anymore, Stevie. Doesn't matter.

467. He's a mystery best left for another day.

468. It matters to me, okay? I... it's important.

469. Tell me. I deserve to know, Kenny.

470. And because you just tried to speak to me like a man,

471. now you'll never know.

472. So have fun being curious.

473. I won't be able to fucking sleep

474. without knowing who Eduardo Sanchez is.

475. None of it matters anymore, Stevie.

476. I've found what I'm looking for.

477. Thank you for bringing us to the carnival, Kenny.

478. Yeah, no problem. If y'all want any more tacos

479. or churros or popcorns, anything,

480. you just let me know, I'll get you more.

481. I think we're fine. Thank you.

482. You should also be thanking me for these tacos.

483. These seem like the deal.

484. Although I wonder

485. if I'm gonna get montezuma's revenge from this shit.

486. You're gonna be fine.

487. They wash their hands and stuff here?

488. Of course.

489. Do you know what montezuma's revenge is, Tony?

490. It's when a white man shits his pants in Mexico.

491. - Most of the time. - Yeah.

492. Vida, there's something super serious

493. I'd like to talk to you two about, if that's okay.

494. Okay.

495. Can you take the computers out of your ears?

496. Tony, take the computers out of Los ojos.

497. Just take your head... Headphones down.

498. Take them out of the earos. Thank you.

499. Well, it's no mystery that I'm damaged goods.

500. I think you guys both know that.

501. I've told you all that countless times.

502. And it's also no secret that it's been pretty hard for me

503. to get over my old girl back in the states.

504. I mean you know that. I've talked to you about it.

505. Cried about it. You know.

506. But I'm starting to realize that maybe it's time I wake up

507. and see that ship has sailed,

508. and now a new ship has come into port.

509. A pirate ship, carrying some incredible booty.

510. Tony's here.

511. Yeah, I know he's here. I want him to hear this.

512. Tony, I'm gonna talk to you like a man now, okay?

513. Is that cool? Okay.

514. I have serious fucking feelings for your mom, dude.

515. I'm madly in love with her.

516. I've never,

517. never have ever felt like this for anyone before.

518. Vida, baby, I'm ready to say fuck the past

519. and commit to you right now.

520. I'm ready to commit to the both of you if I have to.

521. You don't need to commit to us.

522. We are just having fun and you can take it slow.

523. No, I've taken it slow before and it did not work out so good.

524. So I'm doing shit different this time.

525. I'm taking it super fast. Tony.

526. Yes. From this moment forward,

527. I want you to consider me your father figure.

528. Tadow. Raise it up.

529. Father figure.

530. He doesn't need that.

531. Shh, shh, shh.

532. If this is gonna work for real,

533. then we can no longer walk around

534. and pretend like he doesn't exist.

535. He does exist, vida.

536. He's real and he's here and he's right in front of us.

537. You matter to us now, Tony.

538. You matter to both of us now.

539. Who wants to go on this roller coaster ride?

540. Sure, I want to have fun.

541. Fun begins now. Boom.

542. Let's do this shit, shall we?

543. Okay.

544. Tacos. Let's go.