Eastbound & Down 1x4

1. Damn.

2. All right, we gotta get an official word here.

3. Amy's been eliminated?

4. Ladies and gentlemen, Amy has been eliminated.

5. We are down to Honey Moore, 37D-25-30—

6. - Oh, gosh. - Hey, April. What are you doing?

7. - How does this feel? - It feels good.

8. Did you come yet?

9. - I was going to, but... - Yeah?

10. I thought you did before, you know, and then...

11. Should I keep going?

12. Do you want to keep going?

13. Oh, yeah, l— Yeah, l— You know I always want to.

14. I'm okay if you want to take a break.

15. I'm hard, so— I didn't know if we should come back to this.

16. - That works. - Yeah.

17. - Well, let's take a break. - Okay.

18. So I'm gonna give it a couple more pumps and then—

19. - Okay. - So three, two, one.

20. - Nice. That's great. - Thank you.

21. How you do this? Just, like, a VCR and, like, your camcorder?

22. No, no. See, I have a system on my computer.

23. It's a non-linear digital software, and it's got all these great fades...

24. - ... and wipes and you can see I can add— - Yeah, I get it, computers.

25. I am really proud of this. And I'm proud of you too.

26. - Sober and ready— - Sober, ready, okay, this is good.

27. You know what? I want this by Monday on the desk...

28. of every single pro scout in the Southeast, all right?

29. Fuck the West up the butt hole, they get nothing.

30. You could do some shots of you, like, smoking weed.

31. Clegg, this is to get back into the majors. Me sitting around smoking weed is awesome...

32. but it's not gonna be what a team manager is gonna be looking for.

33. - They don't have to know it's weed. - Then what the fuck would you do it for?

34. - Or it could be like a— - No, dude, you want to see animal sounds...

35. throwing the ball, a dude cutting trees like he's a force to be reckoned with.

36. Shouldn't you show more, like—?

37. Since you're trying to get your pitching job back...

38. - ... more of you pitching? - There was a pitch shot in there.

39. There was the one where the ball blew up in the hand.

40. - That's showing the pitching. - Right here, this is my favorite part.

41. "Powers is coming back fucking soon."

42. You bet.

43. That is good. That's real good. Clegg, you got my shit?

44. Oh, yeah.

45. Why is it in a Ziploc bag? Are these mushrooms?

46. - Clegg, I'm talking about fucking steroids. - My bad.

47. God. Fuck.

48. Stevie, goddamn it, eyes are going AWOL, man.

49. The kid in the striped shirt, he's staring at me.

50. Hey, loser! Eyes fucking down! Have some respect for Coach Powers!

51. Gosh, you're all making me so mad!

52. What are you laughing at, Sarah? What are you laughing at?

53. I have tried to be your friend, but you will not listen to me...

54. so you invited this monster.

55. - Don't make me kill somebody! - Thank you.

56. Mr. Janowski, what an interesting speech.

57. What's going on out here? You gentlemen teaching a joint class out here or...?

58. What kind of a thing are we doing here?

59. - Yeah. May I point something out to you? - Well...

60. Your band class appears to be missing their instruments.

61. We're teaching them the curveball. I don't see what the big deal is.

62. Oh, no, that's a perfect thing for you to be sharing with your physical-education class.

63. That makes perfect sense.

64. My concern is over here. I guess I just don't really understand...

65. where Mr. Janowski's class needs to be out here right now.

66. You don't have to understand my class. It's my class.

67. - Okay. Settle down, Mr. Janowski. Settle— - It's my class.

68. It wasn't my idea to make music a requirement.

69. This stuff is classic private conversation stuff.

70. Relax. Kenny's not going anywhere. You can see your friend after school.

71. Whoa, whoa, what the hell does that mean? "Kenny's not going anywhere."

72. Well, I'm sorry, did I miss it? Did the majors call today?

73. I'm busting your chops, fella.

74. Come on. Lighten up a little bit, will you?

75. - That's not funny. - It's pretty funny.

76. All right, Mr. Janowski, please, get your class inside.

77. - Now? - Yes, right now.

78. Fine. Everybody inside. Everybody inside.

79. - Very good. - I don't tell you how to principal...

80. I don't think you should tell me how to teach band.

81. You clearly don't understand the employer-employee relationship.

82. I guess I'm starting to and I don't like it. I'll see you later, Kenny.

83. I'm concerned about him sometimes. I don't know if it's a great idea...

84. for you to be spending so much time with Mr. Janowski.

85. Are we done here? Because I'm ready to get back to educating.

86. I wonder if it might be better if they could see you.

87. - This is perfectly fine for the lesson, so just— - Okay.

88. I know you don't like to be observed.

89. Hey, but you're coming to the barbecue, aren't you?

90. - Barbecue? - Yeah.

91. This weekend at my house. You don't know about this?

92. April and I are having some friends over. It's gonna be casual, nothing crazy.

93. You know, we'll probably play some Pictionary or something like that, you know?

94. Gosh. Yeah, it's gonna be a real good party.

95. I'm getting excited the more I talk about it. April didn't tell you? I told her to tell you.

96. No, she didn't tell me. Must have slipped her mind.

97. I really like the hues. Orange and red for the sunshine.

98. - It gives the contrast of a nice blue sky. - Beat it, Kyle.

99. Oh, no, that's it.

100. See? Exactly. That's what I'm talking about.

101. Okay, now trace just along the line. That's why we use a pencil.

102. - Okay, go on. - Oh, hey, Coach Powers.

103. What's up, Deshauna?

104. - Can I help you, Kenny? - I don't know, can you?

105. Why don't you start by trying to tell me what you were supposed to?

106. Are you sure this isn't something that can maybe wait till later?

107. For what? So that you can just not say the thing you're supposed to tell me?

108. What are you talking about?

109. BBQ, your house. You didn't invite me.

110. - Oh. - Yeah, "Oh."

111. Okay, well, I'm sorry.

112. I forgot.

113. You're invited. It's on Saturday.

114. Come if you feel you need to.

115. I already was invited, by your new boyfriend.

116. And I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told him:

117. I ain't going. You can keep your stupid invitation. I got better shit on my tray.

118. I just came down here to let you know that I know you're backstabbing me...

119. and that is super fucked up.

120. He was just kidding.

121. I mean, seriously, how dare her.

122. So she forgot to invite you. Why would you want to go anyway?

123. Seems like it would be awkward.

124. No, it's not about it being awkward, it's about testing the waters...

125. and seeing if there's a chance for us to go at it.

126. She's not giving herself the opportunity to see if this would work.

127. You know, maybe she already knows it's not gonna work.

128. - She's getting married to someone else. - No, she doesn't know shit.

129. Sitting here, waving around her cervix like it's the hottest ticket in town.

130. Stupid cookout.

131. As if their fucking cookout is any sort of big thing.

132. Dumb. You should see my fucking cookouts, man.

133. When I was back in Seattle...

134. I had the goddamn Spoonman from the Soundgarden videos coming to my shit.

135. - No way. - Oh, yeah.

136. I'm talking six grills burning at all times. Tiki torches, three whole pigs...

137. fucking shitloads of macaroni and cheeses, baked potatoes...

138. collard greens, a horse...

139. fucking Puerto Rican chicks showing their pussies and tits off everywhere.

140. - They were amazing. - That sounds like a hell of a cookout.

141. Yeah, you bet your ass they were.

142. My cookouts smoke her stupid little dumb backyard...

143. principal-having cookout shit.

144. - Are you ready? - No, I'm not ready. What did I tell you?

145. I said put something nice on.

146. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.

147. Fuck you, this is my evening wear.

148. I don't want no pussy-getting-wet dresses for this cookout.

149. This needs to be a normal evening outfit that regular people would wear.

150. I'm walking into a fucking hornet's nest, all right? Now, be my companion.

151. I need you to make me help them be jealous of me.

152. I know you're not a natural beauty, but with the right clothes and look...

153. - ... you could be very striking. - And what the fuck do you know?

154. Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist...

155. and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That's what I know.

156. - Now, what else you got? - Hold on.

157. Christ almighty.

158. Okay, this— This you're gonna like. We got this...

159. Honey, I love you, I think you're a terrific girl...

160. but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.

161. Hey.

162. Hey, Stevie. Glad you made it.

163. Hey, I would not miss a party.

164. - I brought eggs. - Oh, great.

165. Thank you.

166. Now, did you come alone or...?

167. Yeah, l— I thought it was just gonna be VlPs, but it—

168. It's not VlPs. You could have brought somebody if you wanted to.

169. I was wondering, who are some of these motherfuckers at this party?

170. I don't recognize a lot of them.

171. Well, Stevie, these motherfuckers are the church group.

172. - Yeah. - The church group.

173. The church group, our Wednesday night fellowship group.

174. Also, the school people that you will know, everybody.

175. You're not gonna know Cutler's triathlon people.

176. Well, that's okay.

177. Kenny will be here and he likes to hang out with me, so...

178. Kenny's coming?

179. Just come on. Just walk. Come on.

180. Oh, well, look at this. Kenny Powers, you made it.

181. And who is this lovely lady that you've got with you?

182. - Lovely? Her? - Don't be so fucking rude.

183. - Cutler, this is Tracy. Tracy, Cutler. - Hi, how are you?

184. He's my boss, so don't try to suck him off.

185. Come on. Just call me Terrence, okay?

186. Hey, look, I'm making my famous pumpkin margarita as an honor of fall.

187. What do you say, should we dive in? Have some fun?

188. - Let's do this shit. - Let's have some fun.

189. You look like you're ready to have fun.

190. Yo, Kenny, this party fucking sucks, man.

191. Tell me about it. For a minute I thought l was gonna have to face these jackals alone.

192. You and me are the only cool people here. Everybody here is just a bunch of posers...

193. and ho's and shitheads.

194. You seen April?

195. She's over there with those fucking bitches.

196. Look at her. Flaunting her fancy fucking friends around...

197. trying to make me jealous. Pathetic.

198. Hey, Kenny, I got an idea.

199. Let's take this party to phase two.

200. Cutler's got a plasma inside.

201. Let's have a big-ass fucking screening up in this shit right here, huh?

202. I think that's cool as shit.

203. Do it so it doesn't look like it was my idea. Push it hard.

204. Sounds good.

205. What the fuck are you wearing?

206. All black, man. So I can express my rage.

207. I'm wearing all black.

208. Yeah, it's a coincidence. It's pretty cool.

209. I don't like it. Find a way to change yourself from me.

210. Change myself? These are the only clothes I got.

211. That's not my problem.

212. - I shaved my beard. - That was a big change for you.

213. - Fucking retard. - It was.

214. Act— Fucking act straight.

215. Hot kind of pepper. I've lost a few pounds—

216. You lose a few pounds—

217. - Decent cookout, April. - Yeah.

218. I don't believe you've met my fuck buddy, Tracy.

219. She's actually a professional runway model.

220. She's also a very, very famous painter in France.

221. Yep, she has several works of fine art hanging up in the "Louvre."

222. - Didn't we go to middle school together? - No, that's impossible.

223. She went to middle school inside of France.

224. Excuse me, can I have everybody's attention?

225. I just want to let you know that there's going to be a special screening...

226. inside, around the TV, in ten minutes.

227. So you can bring your drinks in ten minutes for the screening.

228. - Thank you. - Okay, why is Stevie naked?

229. He's half-naked.

230. I think he must just be having a really good time.

231. I wonder what this screening could be, though. That sounds entertaining.

232. Hello, everybody, and welcome.

233. You are about to see the most exciting promotional video...

234. - ... that you have ever seen in your life. - Uh-oh, what's this?

235. Conan the Destroyer or Hunt for Red October?

236. It's a good movie I put on.

237. Stevie, these people don't wanna see this little show.

238. I think they might.

239. - Let's watch this. - Making the necessary adjustments.

240. Massive popularity takes a lot of hard work.

241. How do you know Kenny?

242. You know, I met him at a bar.

243. I used to watch him on TV, then I saw him at a bar...

244. and the next thing you know, I'm sucking his dick on a desk.

245. Some people have a wall between their thoughts and their words...

246. you don't have it. I'm enjoying it.

247. So you're the principal, huh?

248. Yup, that's me.

249. - You ever spank anybody? - No, I can't do that.

250. The school board frowns on that.

251. Hey, you know what, though? I do have a paddle. I have a big—

252. This big wooden paddle.

253. Can I see it?

254. I'm a fan of big, hard wood.

255. - Like that. - That didn't happen for real.

256. There was not really real fire explosions when I hit the bag.

257. - Good effect. - We discovered through market research...

258. that technology is the way to the media's heart.

259. You bet.

260. - That's why I pieced all this together. - I don't get it.

261. If you can call it that.

262. - Everyone just listen. Watch this. - No talking.

263. Actions speak louder than words.

264. - Where are you going? - I have to pee.

265. Making the necessary adjustments.

266. Don't be crazy, don't be lazy.

267. Hire Kenny Powers.

268. - Boo. - What are you doing in my bedroom?

269. You mean, besides creeping around in here like some kind of rapist?

270. - Yeah. - I just wanted to talk to you for a second.

271. Just— You know, I came here because this is your house...

272. and I haven't even gotten a chance to even score any solo time with you, so...

273. Kenny, what are you doing in my bedroom?

274. You know what I'm doing here.

275. - Fuck me. - I want you.

276. I want you.

277. Oh, fuck yeah.

278. Oh, God. Oh, God, Oh, God.

279. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

280. - We shouldn't do this. - Did you ejaculate?

281. No, this is moving too fast. I just got back into town and you're engaged.

282. We shouldn't do this.

283. - This is a mistake. - No, it's not a mistake.

284. April, it's just that your feelings are on the line.

285. Fuck.

286. Fuck.

287. Oh, who did that?

288. Another round coming up.

289. Principal Cutler. I gotta tell you, sir...

290. - ... I am impressed. - Tracy, Tracy, Tracy.

291. I'm gonna have to order you to slow down because you are causing a scene right now.

292. You know what? You're not the boss of me.

293. No, I'm not your boss, but Kenny is and I'm more important than you in Kenny's life...

294. - ... that means I can tell you what to do. - Why don't you shut the fuck up?

295. - Terrence? - Oh, no. Here comes the fun police.

296. Put down your fun and stop having fun or you'll go to fun jail.

297. What are you doing?

298. I'm just entertaining some of our guests. We're just having fun.

299. Is that a problem, cupcake?

300. Okay, you know what? I think that you've had enough.

301. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

302. Maybe you should shut the fuck up.

303. It's a party!

304. Damn it, Stevie, why the fuck did you let Tracy get drunk?

305. - I am sorry, Kenny. I'm sorry. - You should be.

306. Tracy, put your shirt on and get in the truck.

307. - Why don't you shut the fuck up, Kenny? - Hey, he said get in the truck, bitch.

308. Get in the fucking truck. Get in the truck.

309. - Get in the... - That's it. God. Calm down, that's it.

310. Party's over. That's it. Party's over. It's not funny, Cutler. Party's done.

311. - Party's over. - What's the matter, Mr. All Star?

312. Having a hard time keeping your people together?

313. You gotta get your retard crew in order.

314. Don't mock me.

315. Terrence, I think we need to call it a day before things get rude.

316. It's a day.

317. Hey, hey. Lower the tone, Cutler.

318. - Seriously, dog. Take it down a notch. - Oh, okay.

319. I'll take it down a notch, because the mighty Kenny Powers wants me to.

320. I'll do whatever you say. K.P. at the bat.

321. Take me out to the ball— Hey, get me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.

322. - You know what? That's it. - Get me some fucking peanuts.

323. - Terrence, that is it. - Beer here.

324. - Party's over. Sit down. - What's the matter?

325. - Throw us a curveball. - You don't smoke.

326. - I got your fucking curveball right here. - Sit.

327. I would punch you in your face if you weren't my boss.

328. Yeah, well, I am your boss.

329. You work for me now because you are jack shit now.

330. I'm not.

331. Obviously he's just had too much to drink tonight.

332. I don't know what he was trying to say. He's playing with his dick.

333. Oh, my—

334. He said you work for him now because you're jack shit.

335. I know what he said. You don't have to fucking repeat it, all right?

336. Goddamn it.

337. I'm just gonna go ahead and go now.

338. Yo!

339. Hey!

340. So in closing, I'd like to give big ups to God...

341. Buddha, L. Ron, whoever.

342. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there's one thing I've learned...

343. through all my adventures and conquests, it's that some people are wired for success.

344. I had no choice when it came to being great.

345. I just am great.

346. And I'm not trying to sound cocky or full of myself...

347. but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion...

348. that no matter what comes his way, he will always be great.

349. Because that's just the way shit works sometimes.

350. This has been based on a true story. The motherfucking end.

351. You've reached the end of:

352. You're Fucking Out, I'm Fucking In, read by Kenny Powers.

353. I'm sad, Dustin.

354. I'm super, super sad.

355. Like, big-time sad.

356. It's like, for the life of me, I can't catch a fucking break.

357. I mean, at a certain point, I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

358. I don't know, man.

359. I don't know what's going on, man.

360. I'm just all jammed up inside.

361. Lost my abilities.

362. Been stripped of all my God-given talents.

363. Including the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose...

364. or to throw a fucking ball fast, or to not prematurely come in my pants.

365. Sometimes I just don't even know which one hurts the most.

366. I'm ashamed of myself.

367. Well, sometimes you just gotta see what happens.

368. Just be strong, man.

369. I know, dude. I am strong.

370. Just go back inside.

371. - You sure? - Yes, Dustin, just go inside.

372. If that's your only advice is to just be strong...

373. Jesus Christ, I could talk to the fucking rock out here...

374. it'd probably tell me something more useful than that.

375. Are you crying, Kenny?

376. I'm not crying, Dustin.

377. It's just this stupid pollen, it's in my eyes and making them fucking water.

378. Just go away from me, Dustin.

379. Jesus, Kenny, what the hell's going on down there?

380. Kenny!