Eastbound & Down 1x2

Directed by David Gordon Green

Rhoda Griffis as The Teacher • Sylvia Jefferies as Tracy • Will Ferrell as Ashley Schaeffer • Bo Mitchell as Wayne • Ethan Alexander McGee as Dustin Jr.

Kenny tries to make extra money by pitching himself as spokesman for a luxury car dealership; Kenny and his driver make an appearance at the middle school dance.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. mpm

2. This sucks dick I hate swimming!

3. Oh, just shut up and give me a hand with this shit.

4. - What the hell are you doing? - What does it look like I'm doing?

5. - I'm hiding the Jet Ski. - Why are you hiding the Jet Ski?

6. Because I told Dust... Look...

7. I can't talk with your tits hanging out like cabbages.

8. Just give me a hand with this.

9. Screw you. You threw me into the fucking lake, Kenny.

10. Now, then. I think your body is awesome.

11. You got great tits, but I'm concerned about your bill of health.

12. I'm gonna insist upon you using some sort of protection.

13. I got a dental dam in the glove compartment of my truck.

14. - You can just grab that. - What the fuck's a dental dam?

15. It's a rubber for your mouth. It's not that big of a deal, okay?

16. And besides, it's not just for my protection.

17. You don't know what shit I got either.

18. It's Pakistani.

19. That's what he told me.

20. How does somebody manage to get ambushed on a Jet Ski?

21. I don't know, I guess they jumped them

22. and rode off with it.

23. Yeah, but I mean, it's a lake.

24. There ain't exactly places to sneak up on somebody from.

25. - You'd need a scuba gear. - I don't know.

26. Or a snorkel, maybe.

27. - What's he out there doing? - Actually, I think

28. he's in training...

29. for the majors.

30. Going back to the majors.

31. All right, boys.

32. Let's get back in the baseball, okay? Wayne.

33. Keep that pistol aimed at the strike zone,

34. because that is where this bad boy's going.

35. All right. Fly as I say fly.

36. Do as I say do. Master and commander.

37. And the crowd goes crazy.

38. - Sixty-eight. - What did I tell you, man?

39. Don't read the readout. That'sy my own private information.

40. - Why didn't you hit the target? - Because, Dustin Jr.,

41. at the last moment I decided not to.

42. I decided to go for that birdbath your dad put there.

43. I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, okay?

44. Just please work with me here.

45. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys I'm disappointed with my arm

46. and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.

47. - I hated that birdbath. - I broke that birdbath for you,

48. I knew you hated it. We're the same. I hate that fucking thing too.

49. A stork wrapped around a tree branch.

50. That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

51. You know, that's how the plague started back in the day.

52. It's from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard

53. that rats

54. made sex to birds in it

55. and created a whole-new type of AIDS.

56. It's important. One time I was invited to come to social gathering.

57. I was paid a handsome amount of money and I brought shotgun and a bottle

58. and showed those people the best fucking time they've ever seen.

59. A humongous part about being a celebrity

60. is cashing in on it, making shitloads of money,

61. having expensive, luxurious things.

62. That way, in case one day you're not famous,

63. you could still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.

64. Wait a second, is that Kenny Powers walking in my showroom.

65. - Quite possibly - How are you doing?

66. - Who am I speaking to here? - Ashley Schaeffer, BMW.

67. Damn fine to meet you.

68. - I take it you own this place. - I sure do.

69. That's why my name's on that building.

70. I thought Ashley Schaeffer was gonna be a woman

71. I love women I'll take that as a compliment.

72. Take it as you will.

73. - I will. - You should.

74. I am. I'm taking it.

75. - It's a pretty nice showroom. - Thank you. We have a lot of pride.

76. We've done a lot of work lately. Complete renovations.

77. We got beautiful cars. Beautiful surroundings.

78. Beautiful women.

79. - Yeah, they are pretty. - They're my closers.

80. And they help people who are

81. slightly hesitant to buy cars.

82. So if you happen to be a man, Ashley over there

83. will suck your dick.

84. I like how you work.

85. If you're a woman, Scott will finger you with his penis.

86. That's the kind of fun and games we have around here.

87. Oh, you... You get it done?

88. That was... That's not what you do, not in my neighborhood.

89. That's what we do around here.

90. - No, that's not... - That's what we do here.

91. We're having fun. It's so good to have you in here.

92. - Well, I'm gonna cut to the chase. - Please, do.

93. I'm an athlete.

94. But I'm also a businessman.

95. You got a classy joint here.

96. And you're trying to lure costumers in

97. with a caveman spinning a sign around.

98. It's actually... It's technically an orangutan.

99. It seems to me an establishment such as this could go for overhaul

100. in the advertising spokesman game.

101. I'm talking about a real celebrity, not some sign-spinning fucking monkey.

102. I'm talking about goddamn me in the store,

103. live, uncut, in person.

104. Bringing in the customers,

105. - lubing the deals. - Holy shit!

106. This must be my goddamn fucking lucky day.

107. First off, Kenny Powers walks into my showroom

108. and then he says he wants to do personal appearance.

109. It's goddamn amazing!

110. Yeah, I got a lot of star power.

111. I think it would make this night a grand success.

112. And I think it'll only cost you

113. two grand.

114. Yeah, I'm gonna pay you 100 bucks.

115. You sure you don't wanna maybe meet in the middle somewhere?

116. How about 200 bucks?

117. - Two hundred bucks to come... - Two hundred bucks, cash.

118. - And a blowjob. - Fuck you man.

119. Fuck you.

120. I'm just kidding. Bring the fucking ape in here.

121. Now, part of becoming a professional athlete

122. is being strong and fit.

123. Another part is staying strong and fit.

124. That is a part that I myself am currently involve with.

125. Example A.

126. I can stand to lose 4,

127. maybe 5 pounds to get back in practical game condition.

128. - No shit. - What did you just say?

129. Let's do this. I got my two favorite students here.

130. They're gonna spot me 252 pounds of pure steel.

131. Let's pump some iron, bitches.

132. Take this serious, because you can get hurt if you're not strong enough, okay?

133. Okay. Watch, class.

134. Masculine strength.

135. Yeah, help me. Help me out. Okay. All right, back up, back up. Get away.

136. Oh, shit!

137. Oh, fuck me!

138. Spot me, goddamn it! Get it off of me!

139. Yo, what's happening over here with the babes?

140. - A dance? - Would you like to buy a ticket?

141. All the profits go toward Phillip's hospital bills.

142. Who the fuck is Phillip?

143. He's one of our students here. He has brain cancer.

144. - I've never seen that kid. - "Spina difa", I think it's called.

145. Whatever the fuck any of that stuff is, I don't know him.

146. He gets a dance?

147. No, I'm not going to any depressing shit like that.

148. Too sensitive.

149. Kenny, I hate to burst your bubble,

150. but it looks like your name is on the chaperon list.

151. I don't know anything about a chaperon list. What is that?

152. It's right here and it says that you're a teacher supervisor.

153. Are you asking met to this dance?

154. I'm not. I'm just saying that your name is on the chaperon list.

155. Are you asking me to this dance?

156. When is this dance?

157. - It's tonight. - Tonight?

158. You mean, tonight, tonight? Fuck that noise.

159. I can't do anything tonight I've got some shit set up already.

160. - What? - I'm hosting a celebrity event tonight.

161. - Really? - I'm getting paid, like, 15 notes.

162. Okay, well, if you can't come, you can't come.

163. Well, you don't have to get upset, I'm sorry I can't go the dance with you.

164. Guess you'll have to chalk this up to another heartbreak.

165. Just like back in high school.

166. - into the trashcan? - Nothing.

167. - D- Ball, what are you doing, man? - Goddamn it, I'm brushing my teeth.

168. I need you to give me a ride.

169. - What's wrong with your truck? - Nothing. I need you to drive me.

170. Why?

171. Well, Schaeffer BMW is gonna pay me a shit-ton of money

172. to make a little celebrity appearance tonight.

173. And, I don't know. I just felt like it'll be stupid if I drive myself

174. because I'm famous.

175. All right. I'll drive you there and you can find your way back.

176. No, I need you to stay.

177. That's what drivers do. They don't just drive you there and then drive off.

178. If you're gonna do this, you're gonna have to do it the full way.

179. I might even need you to wear a uniform.

180. Forget it.

181. Look, no one's gonna look down on you because you drove yourself.

182. Now, close the door. Get the fuck out of here.

183. What's up with them yellow towels? Those things are pretty...

184. Give me that, motherfucker.

185. I saw your dick.

186. Give me that toilet paper, Kenny.

187. Come on, you wanna give me a ride? You wanna be my personal chauffeur?

188. - I got enough. - That's not enough.

189. I smelled that. You're gonna need more than that.

190. You have crossed the line. Give me the toilet paper now!

191. Fine.

192. Turtle-walk your ass out of here. Thanks for nothing.

193. - Man, this thing's got some power. - Don't rev my shit, all right?

194. I'm trying to be serious,

195. I don't need you to go all fucking Maverick on me.

196. All right, it's up here on the left.

197. - Where? - Clegg, to the left.

198. - Where, there? There? - The fucking place, Schaeffer BMW.

199. All right, I got it, I got it.

200. Fuck you, asshole!

201. All right, here we are.

202. Man, this feels good, Clegg.

203. Did you take one of those black beauties?

204. The ecstasy?

205. No, dude. This is a real job.

206. It's not like teaching kids. You can't get fucked up.

207. What feels good is just this.

208. Back in the spotlight, man.

209. Right where I belong.

210. All right! Kenny Powers is here, everyone!

211. Keep going. Keep going.

212. Kenny Powers. That's Kenny Powers.

213. He doesn't do this all the time.

214. - Turn around! Look at them, man. - How's it going?

215. Why'd you bring a football?

216. Shelby's bad boy is back in business, huh?

217. Oh, yes, he is. Yes, he is.

218. Are you nervous or not? You feel a lot of emotions?

219. I feel 110 percent. Ready to move some BMWs tonight!

220. That's... That's it.

221. It's a big night. What are you gonna go with,

222. your fastball or your cut fastball? Maybe a forkball?

223. Maybe just signing some balls instead.

224. - Signing some balls? - Yeah.

225. It's not a microphone.

226. - It's not a microphone. - I know. We're just having fun.

227. How's it going?

228. - You ready to get this thing going? - Let's do it.

229. - Why don't you throw that on? - What's this?

230. That's an Ashley Schaeffer BMW polo.

231. - Put that on. - Right now?

232. Right now.

233. No offense, but I think the all-black is more indicative

234. of the Kenny Powers rebel persona.

235. Scott, heads up. Thank you.

236. Look, I paid you $200, okay?

237. I wanna see Ashley Schaeffer BMW on your tit. All right?

238. Easy. I don't play games like that.

239. This isn't a game.

240. All right, everybody, who wants to meet Kenny Powers?

241. - What the fuck is up with you, man? - Ah, you know me.

242. - Who am I making this out to? - Well, Kenny,

243. my name's Kevin Hickman and I want you to know

244. even though your career's hit a real sour patch lately,

245. I'm still your number-one goshdarn fan, man, 100 percent.

246. That's great, there you go, sport. Take a hike.

247. Actually the thing is, Kenny,

248. I was wondering if maybe you might burn one down middle for me.

249. I brought my glove and it'd mean a lot.

250. Well, obviously I'd love to, you know, do that,

251. but I don't think it would be fair to all the other people...

252. I think you're underestimating your fan base.

253. Who in their right mind wouldn't wanna see

254. the Kenny Powers

255. give us a little display of that God-given talent!

256. - All right! - Who wouldn't wanna see that?

257. Well, the thing is, I didn't even warm the old whip up.

258. I got all this Polynesian sauce all over my fingers

259. for eating these goddamn egg rolls. I would just hate if I slipped up

260. and put a hole on one of these vehicles.

261. Nonsense! Come on, man!

262. I'm Ashley Schaeffer, I got a whole lot full of goddamn BMWs.

263. Who the hell wouldn't wanna see you burn a hole through one, right?

264. The people wanna see it!

265. Yeah, come on!

266. - Here we go. - Take it easy.

267. Hell with that. Smoke that fool.

268. Kenny Powers. Come on, everyone.

269. Sorry, sorry. I can't do it. Not gonna do it. I can't do it.

270. I'll be goddamned if I fork out 200 bucks

271. and I'm flat-out denied a single goddamn pitch. Throw the damn ball.

272. Pitch was never part of the deal. I mean, I'm sorry to be a stickler,

273. but, I throw one to him, next thing I'm at the grocery store, I'm at the bar,

274. I'm at the titty club and ever dumb motherfucker I pass

275. is asking me to smoke one for him. And I can't open myself up to that.

276. If I didn't know better, I'd think Kenny is afraid to throw a baseball.

277. Come on, it's been that long? Huh?

278. No. Forget your trade?

279. Come on, it's a simple motion, it's like that.

280. You got a little tendinitis or something? Come on.

281. How about: Why don't you roll one on the ground,

282. - pretend like it's a bowling ball? - How about we just go back

283. and we'll sign the rest of the balls and...

284. How about you throw the ball? Come on, these people wanna see a show

285. and I don't wanna be embarrassed.

286. Well, you're doing a good job of that on your own

287. - just by how you fucking look. - I thought you were a baseball pitcher.

288. - You know... - I thought you were a ball player.

289. - I am a ball player. - Are you?

290. - I'm not a goddamn ape. - Really?

291. - So far I don't believe it. - You know what? Fuck you.

292. Fuck this, fuck all you people. Good luck selling these stupid cars.

293. I'm not helping you.

294. You know you're not gonna get paid if you walk out of here.

295. Good Lord.

296. What are you doing?

297. What's up?

298. Dude, it's time to roll! Come on!

299. See? Look, I told you I know him.

300. Come on!

301. I gotta go, I gotta go.

302. Where were you? I told you to wait in the car.

303. Why is there silver shit all over your face?

304. I was hanging out with those dudes in the parking lot.

305. Doing what? Giving RoboCop a blowjob?

306. - Are you crying? - No!

307. Do you still have that ecstasy?

308. He's with me. Don't bust balls.

309. My... My friends are here. They're...

310. Fucking awesome!

311. I'm not gonna get out on that dance floor.

312. It would be inappropriate. What is this?

313. - You're gonna dance with her? - That's different.

314. That's how it is?

315. Okay, come on, come on.

316. Hey, everybody really turned it out for Phillip tonight,

317. don't you think? It's a pretty good party.

318. Pretty... All right.

319. - Hi, how are you? - What are you doing here?

320. - I thought you had a big event. - Yeah, I did.

321. I cancelled it. I'm not an ape.

322. I'm a professional ball player.

323. I need to be around people who understand that.

324. Are you okay? Because you're sweating a lot.

325. I gotta come clean, babe.

326. There's one image in my life

327. that consistently makes me happy

328. no matter when I think about it, and that image...

329. That one image is your big tits.

330. No, listen.

331. I'm not trying to be crude with you, okay? This is real.

332. This is me being honest with you.

333. - You're inappropriate. - Love is inappropriate sometimes.

334. - There are children present. - What a better place to say my love

335. than surrounded by little angels?

336. This is about real emotions.

337. This is about me loving you for real.

338. And not in a just-to-make-me-cum kind of way.

339. In a real way. All right.

340. If you won't listen to my words,

341. then listen to my dancing feet.

342. Oh, my.

343. Work drugs.

344. A janitor.

345. Do you think he's okay?

346. Yeah, I think he just got overheated.

347. - You doing okay there, Kenny? - I'm fine.

348. It was the egg rolls, not the ecstasy.

349. Okay. Well, we're gonna get you a ride home, all right?

350. Well, we raised a lot of money for Phillip tonight, huh?

351. That was pretty good.

352. That's right, Stevie.

353. Everybody's gone, Kenny.

354. - He was supposed to wait for me. - Who's that?

355. My driver.

356. - You have a driver? - Of course I do. I'm famous.

357. Why don't you come with me? I'll give you a ride.

358. I'm going home.

359. We'll see you Monday.

360. You look like you could use a friend.

361. What'd you just say?

362. You look like you could use a ride.

363. Well, maybe I could.

364. - Is that such a crime? - No, it's not a crime.

365. I'd give you a ride gladly, Kenny Powers.

366. Funny thing.

367. When you're on top of the world,

368. every motherfucker wants to get a piece of your ass.

369. But then you take a little time off from being unstoppable

370. just to regroup and relax,

371. no one will to give you the time of fucking day.

372. This face used to cash fucking checks.

373. And this dick...

374. I guess Kenny Powers ain't what he used to be.

375. No, you... I can imagine. I saw you lots on TV.

376. Your face did cash a lot of checks.

377. I don't know about the dick, though.

378. What the fuck is your name again?

379. Stevie. It's Stevie Janowski.

380. All right, Stevie Janowski.

381. I accept your offer.

382. Can we go to Ashley Schaeffer BMW first?

383. Anything you want, Kenny Powers.

384. Anything at all.