1. Wooldoor, narrating:
from the moment i woke up,Copy !req
2. I knew today was going
to be rotten.Copy !req
3. I had a stuffy nose,Copy !req
4. But i got up anyway,
got dressed, and
headed downstairs.Copy !req
5. And then spankie
broke off the propeller
from my beanie!Copy !req
6. What a dork!Copy !req
7. And ling-Ling hit me
with a chinese star.Copy !req
8. And just my luck,
the chore wheel once againCopy !req
9. Put me in charge
of the bags of money.Copy !req
10. Plus, i missed my daily
sideburn-Trimming
appointment.Copy !req
11. Aah! A jew
in our backyard!Copy !req
12. I can't believe
my jewcrow didn't work!Copy !req
13. You're getting baptized
right now!Copy !req
14. Aah!Copy !req
15. I can't swim!Copy !req
16. Don't worry!
You're a christian now!Copy !req
17. Jesus will be
your life preserver.Copy !req
18. look at that heeb
pretending to drown.Copy !req
19. Ha! Those jews kill me.Copy !req
20. hey, hero,Copy !req
21. I made up
a fun new game—Copy !req
22. How long does it take
pain to travel through
toot's fat layers?Copy !req
23. Morning, assholes!Copy !req
24. Did you read the paper?Copy !req
25. It says a giant retard
is destroying the city.Copy !req
26. What? "Massive
mental midget mauls
metropolis"?Copy !req
27. This sounds like a job
for captain hero!Copy !req
28. Up, up, and away!Copy !req
29. Oh, wait. I need
my magic pixie dust.Copy !req
30. Ro
whoo!
I'm captain fucking heCopy !req
31. And i can't feel
my fucking face!Copy !req
32. So, xandir,
do you have any plans for—Copy !req
33. Aah! Someone stabbed me
in my back!Copy !req
34. 34 seconds.Copy !req
35. Sweet. That's
my best time yet.Copy !req
36. Foxxy, narrating:
wooldoor almost drowned,Copy !req
37. But as usual, the foxxy
helped save the day!Copy !req
38. capital. Thank goodnessCopy !req
39. I'm certified in
cardiopulmonary
resuscitation.Copy !req
40. mouth-To-Mouth, y'all!Copy !req
41. Oh, lordy! Wooldoor got
the hypothermia.Copy !req
42. And clara, you gonna
take care of him.Copy !req
43. Taking orders
from a black girl?Copy !req
44. Ugh! Who does
she think i am—Copy !req
45. Thomas jefferson's penis?Copy !req
46. Captain hero, narrating:
everywhere i looked,Copy !req
47. I saw evidence of
this special giant.Copy !req
48. The entire city
was flooded with drool.Copy !req
49. The museum
of shiny objects
was in ruins.Copy !req
50. The giant replicas
of daddy's important papers
had been drawn on.Copy !req
51. Even the reservoir
of yummy banana pudding
was completely empty.Copy !req
52. You see, man,
without the pudding,Copy !req
53. I'm just
another unemployed
sexual predator.Copy !req
54. But the giant himself
was nowhere to be found.Copy !req
55. Where is
this giant sped?Copy !req
56. Oh, so you don't want
to talk, eh?Copy !req
57. Maybe a little
neck-Snapping
will jog your memory!Copy !req
58. Oh! Maybe
a little spooning
will jog your memory!Copy !req
59. Oh, dear god!
Not the petting zoo!Copy !req
60. I love puppies!Copy !req
61. Clara, narrating:
i spent hoursCopy !req
62. Taking care of that
needy little bastard.Copy !req
63. If i wanted to hear
a yellow guy whine,Copy !req
64. I'd go see margaret cho.Copy !req
65. could i have
another blanket, please?Copy !req
66. Ugh! You want it now?Copy !req
67. But i was in the middle
of a really funny part
of my joke book.Copy !req
68. Damn, clara,Copy !req
69. You've been taking care
of wooldoor all day.Copy !req
70. You're such a sweetheart.Copy !req
71. Who knew you were
such a decent person?Copy !req
72. Seriously, you're like
the best roommate ever.Copy !req
73. Clara, narrating:
gosh, my roommates
always hated me.Copy !req
74. And now, they think
i'm some kind of saint.Copy !req
75. Clara, for
the first time ever,Copy !req
76. I am proud
to be your friend.Copy !req
77. This makes up
for all them cracksCopy !req
78. About my breastses
lactating chocolate milk.Copy !req
79. No chocolate milk?
Then what the hell
have i been sucking on?Copy !req
80. Puppy sleepy!Copy !req
81. Wake up, puppy!Copy !req
82. Da-Ta!
Captain hero is here.Copy !req
83. Your velcro-Powered
super shoesCopy !req
84. And endless capacity to
hug can't save you nowCopy !req
85. I love pounding beavers!Copy !req
86. Oh, i sure gave
that hairy ass
a licking!Copy !req
87. Ha! This is one dudeCopy !req
88. Who knows how
to avoid pussy.Copy !req
89. I'll wrap my hands
around this cockCopy !req
90. And squeeze it until it
explodes way too earlyCopy !req
91. And then rolls over
and falls asleepCopy !req
92. Leaving me unsatisfied
and alone.Copy !req
93. Y.
I've got you now, corkCopy !req
94. Life goes on
no longer for you.Copy !req
95. I was about to put him
on the short bus
to heaven,Copy !req
96. But there was something
in his eyes—Copy !req
97. Something familiar.Copy !req
98. Could he possibly be...Copy !req
99. oh, my god!Copy !req
100. He could!Copy !req
101. Mommy!Copy !req
102. My roommates were
so proud of meCopy !req
103. For taking care
of wooldoor,Copy !req
104. They even alerted
the local press.Copy !req
105. Now everyone knows
what a wonderful
human being i am.Copy !req
106. Wow, clara!
Thanks for taking
such good care of me.Copy !req
107. I feel healthier
than ever.Copy !req
108. Why, even
my jungle fever
has broken.Copy !req
109. Hey, papa.Copy !req
110. Eh. You're not
so hot.Copy !req
111. ,
now that
i'm all betterCopy !req
112. I guess i'll
be seeing you,
clara.Copy !req
113. You're leaving?
I guess i won't haveCopy !req
114. To take care
of you anymore.Copy !req
115. Which means
i'll no longer receiveCopy !req
116. The attention
i so desperately crave.Copy !req
117. Say, uh, wooldoor,Copy !req
118. Perhaps before you goCopy !req
119. I can make you
one last bowl
of chicken soup?Copy !req
120. Soup? Fuck yeah!
I love that shit!Copy !req
121. W-What do you mean
you didn't kill him?Copy !req
122. You've never had trouble
defeating mentally-Challenged
retards before.Copy !req
123. Where mommy at?Copy !req
124. Oh, i saw your mommy
go into the restroom.Copy !req
125. So it's just you
and me now, magneto.Copy !req
126. It's just that
when i saw he had those
vestigial t-Rex arms,Copy !req
127. I... couldn't do it.Copy !req
128. What's the big deal
about him having
vestigial t-Rex arms?Copy !req
129. This!Copy !req
130. Holy crap! What the hell
is wrong with you?Copy !req
131. Don't be scared,
gay friend.Copy !req
132. Oh, nice.Copy !req
133. Yes, everyone
in the hero family
has them.Copy !req
134. Well, except
for my cousin ned,Copy !req
135. Who was born
with just one
vestigial t-Rex arm.Copy !req
136. what a freak.Copy !req
137. Don't you see,
xandir?Copy !req
138. There is only one
explanation.Copy !req
139. He is my son!Copy !req
140. Of course he is.Copy !req
141. How could you
possibly have a son?Copy !req
142. You said you had
your balls removed.Copy !req
143. No. I said i had
my ball sack removed.Copy !req
144. Besides,
i always pull out.Copy !req
145. Um, that's not
a foolproof method.Copy !req
146. Right, craig?Copy !req
147. Trust me, bro.Copy !req
148. When i pull out
of a chick,Copy !req
149. She never survives
the 1,000-Foot fall
back to earth.Copy !req
150. But there is
one possibility.Copy !req
151. Back when i was
at howard university,Copy !req
152. I needed money
to pay for tuition.Copy !req
153. Need bling?
Donate yo' sperm.Copy !req
154. Oh, check this out,
roomie!Copy !req
155. I could get paid
for what i doCopy !req
156. Every day for free
in your shampoo bottle!Copy !req
157. You did what?Copy !req
158. One of
your fluffer-Nutter
depositsCopy !req
159. Must have created
your son.Copy !req
160. Then we must go
to the sperm bankCopy !req
161. To solve this mystery
once and for all.Copy !req
162. This sounds like a job
for captain hero!Copy !req
163. Oww!Copy !req
164. Poor, poor wooldoor
kept getting sicker.Copy !req
165. But at least
the world appreciated
my loving devotion to him.Copy !req
166. It sucked being sick
all the time.Copy !req
167. But boy, oh, boy,
was i lucky to haveCopy !req
168. Someone like clara
to take care of me.Copy !req
169. Now, finish
your rock candyCopy !req
170. So you can feel
all better.Copy !req
171. My stomach feels bleedy.Copy !req
172. Need medicine.Copy !req
173. What the heck?Copy !req
174. Drain cleaner?
Cyanide? Anthrax?Copy !req
175. Gerber's
apple banana sauce?Copy !req
176. Someone should think
a little harderCopy !req
177. About where we put
these product placements.Copy !req
178. Oh, my god!
Clara's keeping me sick!Copy !req
179. Ah, yes.Copy !req
180. Captain leslie hero.Copy !req
181. There weren't
a lot of womenCopy !req
182. Who wanted
zebulonian sperm.Copy !req
183. But there was one.
Here, i'll give you
the address.Copy !req
184. Well, maybe a little
neck-Snapping will make you
give me the address.Copy !req
185. Oh, you.Copy !req
186. Well—Copy !req
187. I hope you're ready
to meet the womanCopy !req
188. Who birthed your giant
retarded son.Copy !req
189. Never readier.Copy !req
190. hello?Copy !req
191. Pardon me, sir,
but did you buy
some zebulonian spermCopy !req
192. And give birth
to a giant stupidhead?Copy !req
193. Who wants to know?Copy !req
194. I do,
for i am the donor.Copy !req
195. My name is captain hero.Copy !req
196. Captain hero?
Oh, no!Copy !req
197. Oh, no, what?Copy !req
198. I am your...Copy !req
199. Sister.Copy !req
200. Of course she is.Copy !req
201. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!Copy !req
202. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!Copy !req
203. ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!Copy !req
204. Goodnight, wooldoor.Copy !req
205. Feel better.Copy !req
206. Wooldoor, narrating:
i took the first chance
i had to escape.Copy !req
207. And i found
the perfect decoyCopy !req
208. So clara
would never know
i was gone.Copy !req
209. Lucky for me, gary coleman
is desperate for work.Copy !req
210. He'll let you paint him
any color you want.Copy !req
211. Uh-Oh. Clara turned on
the house security system.Copy !req
212. uh-Oh.Copy !req
213. Phew!Copy !req
214. Holy crap! Mummified bears
with shark heads?Copy !req
215. All right.Copy !req
216. Uh-Oh.Copy !req
217. Aah!Copy !req
218. What are you doing
out of bed?Copy !req
219. Darling,
you're still so sick.Copy !req
220. Clara,
you've gone crazy.Copy !req
221. You're poisoning me.Copy !req
222. Oh, wooldoor,
you don't mean that.Copy !req
223. That's just the poison
i'm using to poison you
with talking.Copy !req
224. And now,
for your own good,Copy !req
225. I'll have to make sure
you'll never leave again.Copy !req
226. Wait!Copy !req
227. No! Please!Copy !req
228. ew! Ew! Ew!Copy !req
229. Captain hero, narrating:
when we finally finishedCopy !req
230. Our traditional
zebulonian greeting,Copy !req
231. We went inside
for some java.Copy !req
232. So then i moved
to earthCopy !req
233. To be closer
to trader joe's.Copy !req
234. Anyhoo, i turned 35
and desperately
wanted a baby.Copy !req
235. When i discovered
the clinic actually had
zebulonian sperm,Copy !req
236. I was tickled pink.Copy !req
237. But who would have
thought the he-HonkersCopy !req
238. I snorted up
my crotch nostrilCopy !req
239. Were from my brother?Copy !req
240. I feel so dumb.
All this time,Copy !req
241. I thought my son
was a giant retard.Copy !req
242. Turns out
he's just an inbred.Copy !req
243. I'm sorry
our son escaped
from the basement.Copy !req
244. But don't you worry—
I chained him up
but good this time.Copy !req
245. What? My son
is in chains?Copy !req
246. Me love junk.Copy !req
247. What the hell kind
of mother are you?Copy !req
248. A single mother.Copy !req
249. What do you
want me to do—
Not chain him up?Copy !req
250. I know being
a single mother is
a difficult task,Copy !req
251. And i admire
all you sluts
who do it,Copy !req
252. But it's no excuse
to lock our son
in the basement.Copy !req
253. Oh? You think
you can do better?Copy !req
254. You bet your sweet,
supple ass i can.Copy !req
255. I'll be a better
single parentCopy !req
256. Than all my high school
girlfriends combined.Copy !req
257. So, you like
trader joe's, huh?Copy !req
258. I like it
for some things.Copy !req
259. Ow!Copy !req
260. Captain hero, narrating:
to make my boyCopy !req
261. A productive member
of society,Copy !req
262. I introduced him
to the only careerCopy !req
263. A giant, inbred moron
like him could handle—Copy !req
264. Heating and
air conditioning repair.Copy !req
265. Door monster!Copy !req
266. Mama!Copy !req
267. Well, thank god
you're here.Copy !req
268. It's like a sauna—Copy !req
269. Uh-Uh-Uh!Copy !req
270. It was working
just fine yesterday.Copy !req
271. oh!Copy !req
272. Uh-Uh-Uh!Copy !req
273. Uhh...Copy !req
274. Uhh...Copy !req
275. How often do you change
your filter, ma'am?Copy !req
276. Gosh, i don't think
we've ever changed
the filter.Copy !req
277. 90 percent of the time,
it's the filter.Copy !req
278. Yep, that's
the culprit right there.Copy !req
279. I just want
to be honest with you.Copy !req
280. A lot of people
would tell you
it's the freon hose,Copy !req
281. And charge you the $200.Copy !req
282. But i'm not in this
for the money.Copy !req
283. I just like
keeping people cool.Copy !req
284. I hope when
the home office calls
for my review,Copy !req
285. You have the confidence
to give me all 5s.Copy !req
286. Stay cool!Copy !req
287. How was that, daddy?Copy !req
288. I told you to tell them
it was the freon hose!Copy !req
289. You just lost us $200!Copy !req
290. Wooldoor, narrating:
i feared clara would keep me
a cripple forever.Copy !req
291. If only i could tell someone
what she was doing.Copy !req
292. Hey, clara.
Hey, wooldoor.Copy !req
293. How is your healthy
patient-Nurse
relationship?Copy !req
294. Clara's been
poi-Copy !req
295. What's that?Copy !req
296. Foxxy,
look behind you!Copy !req
297. It's denzel
washington!Copy !req
298. Denzel!Copy !req
299. Where did denzel go?Copy !req
300. I guess denzel
must have hadCopy !req
301. An appointment
or something.Copy !req
302. Denzel's very busy.Copy !req
303. Uh, foxxy, look!Copy !req
304. Denzel came back!Copy !req
305. Denzel!Copy !req
306. Oh, i missed him again.
He move quickly.Copy !req
307. Denzel in excellent
physical condition.Copy !req
308. Hey, i think wooldoor's
trying to communicateCopy !req
309. Through blinking.
Look, foxxy!Copy !req
310. Denzel came back
for an unbelievable
third time!Copy !req
311. denzel!Copy !req
312. Hello there, foxxy.Copy !req
313. Clara's trying
to keep wooldoor si—Copy !req
314. Foxxy, look out
in the hall.Copy !req
315. It's another
denzel washington!Copy !req
316. With 2 penises!Copy !req
317. double dong denzel!Copy !req
318. Good-Bye.Copy !req
319. It's just you
and me now, wooldoor.Copy !req
320. No one's going
to save you.Copy !req
321. Wait a minute, clara.Copy !req
322. There ain't nobody
in that hallwayCopy !req
323. But triple dong
wesley snipes.Copy !req
324. What is going on here?Copy !req
325. Captain hero, narrating:
as it turned out,Copy !req
326. Being a single parent
was a cinch.Copy !req
327. And now that
my son had mastered
air conditioning repair,Copy !req
328. It was time
to tackle something
even more challenging—Copy !req
329. Making waffles!Copy !req
330. Oh, isn't it f
un to make waffles
with daddy?Copy !req
331. Waffles, waffles.Copy !req
332. waffles! Waffles!Copy !req
333. Waffles! Waffles!Copy !req
334. gotcha!Copy !req
335. Aah! Fire alarm monster!Copy !req
336. Fire alarm monster!Copy !req
337. Come back, son!Copy !req
338. You have the syrup!Copy !req
339. You are so lucky
to have someone
like meCopy !req
340. Stabbing you with
a rusty screwdriver
like this.Copy !req
341. Hey, clara.Copy !req
342. I wouldn't use the sink
in the upstairs bathroom.Copy !req
343. I clogged it
while i was shaving.Copy !req
344. Do you have any
of that drain cleanerCopy !req
345. You've been using
to keep wooldoor sick?Copy !req
346. Sure. Here. It's...Copy !req
347. It's empty.
Oh, well.Copy !req
348. If it's all empty,
that means...Copy !req
349. Yes, clara.
You've fed meCopy !req
350. An entire bottle
of drain cleaner.Copy !req
351. Oh, my god.Copy !req
352. All i wanted was
a little attention.Copy !req
353. But i never considered
the ramifications.Copy !req
354. I need
to make this right.Copy !req
355. Hang on, sink!
I'll help you!
I'll unclog you!Copy !req
356. I never meant
to hurt you!Copy !req
357. It's ok, clara,
at least you learned
a lesson.Copy !req
358. Not necessarily
thelesson,Copy !req
359. But a lesson
nonetheless.Copy !req
360. You're right,
wooldoor.Copy !req
361. I guess we both
got carried away.Copy !req
362. I guess we did.
But hey!Copy !req
363. S
the doctor says
it'll take only 2 yearCopy !req
364. Of agonizing
physical therapyCopy !req
365. For me to return
to 60 percent of
my former mobility!Copy !req
366. And there's
even a chance
i'll dance again.Copy !req
367. Oh, wooldoor.Copy !req
368. You'll never
dance again.Copy !req
369. I know.Copy !req
370. My son is gone.Copy !req
371. I pushed him
too hard.Copy !req
372. Oh, i'm
the worst father ever—Copy !req
373. Even worse than spankie!Copy !req
374. You can do
it, honey!
Oh, god! Oh!Copy !req
375. Push! Push!Copy !req
376. It's a boy!
It's a boy!Copy !req
377. Sausage,
2.99 a pound.Copy !req
378. Who needs
your sausage?Copy !req
379. I've lost
my only childCopy !req
380. And it's
all my fault.Copy !req
381. My life will be
empty forever.Copy !req
382. This just in—Copy !req
383. A handi-Capable giant,
who has so much love to give,Copy !req
384. Is on a murderous rampage.Copy !req
385. And he's headed straight f
or the nation's most powerful
nuclear superbomb,Copy !req
386. Which, unfortunately,
is camouflaged as
winnie the pooh.Copy !req
387. Oh, my god!
We're all goin
g to die!Copy !req
388. Captain hero,
this is your last chanceCopy !req
389. To prove you can be
a good single parent.Copy !req
390. You have
to go get your son!Copy !req
391. You're right, gay friend!
To the winnie the pooh bomb!Copy !req
392. Why, oh,
why did we buildCopy !req
393. Our most powerful
nuclear weaponCopy !req
394. To look like pooh bear?Copy !req
395. And why the hell
did we make it
hug-Activated?Copy !req
396. Son, you must listen
to daddy.Copy !req
397. I see your son
is about to destroy
the world.Copy !req
398. I know.Copy !req
399. Turns out,
i'm a terrible
single parent.Copy !req
400. I suck!Copy !req
401. Oh, don't feel bad.Copy !req
402. We've all made
our share of mistakes.Copy !req
403. Mine was trading in
a perfectly healthy babyCopy !req
404. For that
enormous asshole.Copy !req
405. I guess we weren't able
to care forCopy !req
406. Our special needs giant
as single parents.Copy !req
407. But perhaps,
if we join forcesCopy !req
408. And work together,
we can do the right thing.Copy !req
409. And hand
that enormous retard
over to the state.Copy !req
410. He's all yours, boys.Copy !req
411. Later!
Wait!Copy !req
412. Superheroes!Copy !req
413. Not only was that
a terrible
parenting decision,Copy !req
414. But we're all going
to die!Copy !req
415. If he gives you
any trouble,Copy !req
416. Just chain him up
in the basement.Copy !req
417. I wuv you,
winnie the pooh.Copy !req
418. You're walking,
wooldoor!Copy !req
419. You're walking!
]Copy !req
420. I love you, winnie!Copy !req
421. I promise to keep you
cool in the summer.Copy !req
422. Wow, sis!
That was a close one.Copy !req
423. Well, bro,
now we know never
to be single parents.Copy !req
424. Yes. Well...
i say we raise
the next one together.Copy !req
425. The next one?Copy !req
426. That's all, folks.Copy !req
427. Oh, don't forget
to change the filter.Copy !req
428. denzel!Copy !req