1. WHO'S IT GONNA
BE? WHO'S IT GONNA BE?
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2. WHEEEEEE!
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3. THE PRODUCERS DECIDED
TO SURPRISE ONE OF US
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4. WITH A VISIT FROM
A FAMILY MEMBER.
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5. I HOPE IT'S SOMEONE
FROM MY FAMILY
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6. LIKE FLAGFRED CHEESEWHEEL,
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7. LINTSUE BRICKSHADE,
OR PROM-QUEEN DUMPSTERBABY.
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8. LOOK, EVERYONE!
SOMEONE'S COMING!
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9. THE SECOND I SAW
THE HORSE AND CARRIAGE,
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10. I JUST KNEW IT HAD
TO BE SOMEONE FROM
MY KINGDOM.
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11. BUT WHEN I SAW IT WAS
THE SHORT CARRIAGE,
MY HEART SANK.
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12. WHY? WHY DID SHE
HAVE TO COME?
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13. OH, FUCK ME.
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14. UM, EVERYONE, THIS IS
MY SPECIAL COUSIN BLEH.
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15. NO ONE KNEW CLARA
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16. HAD A MENTALLY-CHALLENGED
COUSIN, BUT IT WAS COOL.
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17. THE FOXXY FIVE USED TO PERFORM
FOR SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS,
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18. AND THOSE PEOPLE GOT
HEARTS AS BIG AS THEY
OVERSIZED FOREHEADS.
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19. "I AM SAM IS A WELL-WRITTEN
AND EXCEPTIONALLY WELL-ACTED
TEARJERKER,"
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20. RAVES ADAM NAYMAN
OF EYE WEEKLY.
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21. WHAT THE SHOEBAZZLE
WAS THAT?
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22. SHE, UM, ONLY
QUOTES REVIEWS FROM
THE MOVIE I AM SAM.
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23. HUH?
HMM.
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24. WELL, THIS HAS
BEEN FUN. BYE!
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25. WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN
SOMEONE THAT SLOW
GO THAT FAST.
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26. OH, YEAH! GIVE IT UP!
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27. YEAH!
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28. OH, POOR LING-LING.
HE'S SO DISAPPOINTED
HIS FATHER DIDN'T SHOW.
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29. OH!
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30. OH, SWEETIE,
I'M SO SORRY YOUR
FATHER'S NOT COMING.
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31. WE STILL LOVE YA!
DON'T WE, TOOT?
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32. FINE!
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33. LING-LING,
YOU TASTE SO WEIRD.
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34. LET'S GO, BLEH.
THE COAST IS CLEAR.
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35. BUT AFTER THIS,
NO MORE POTTY BREAKS.
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36. "I AM SAM PLAYS LIKE
A MADE-FOR-TV WEEP—"
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37. SHH!
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38. I KNOW IT SEEMED
LIKE I WAS ASHAMED
OF MY COUSIN,
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39. BUT NOTHING COULD BE
FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
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40. AAH!
HEY, CLARA!
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41. WHAT'S UP, GIRLFRIEND?
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42. YOU KNOW,
NONE OF US HAVE
REALLY HAD A CHANCE
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43. TO HANG OUT
WITH BLEH YET.
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44. BLEH? WHAT'S A BLEH?
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45. IS THAT ONE OF YOUR
JIVE WORDS LIKE
"EMANCIPATION"?
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46. NO, BLEH YOUR COUSIN.
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47. UH, CLARA?
WHY IS THE LAMP DROOLING?
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48. I GUESS TO REMIND US
TO CONSERVE ELECTRICITY.
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49. CLARA, THERE IS
NO REASON TO BE
EMBARRASSED BY YOUR COUSIN.
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50. EMBARRASSED?
I'M NOT EMBARRASSED.
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51. STOP PRETENDING
BLEH IS A LAMP.
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52. SHE IS NOT A LAMP,
CLARA.
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53. SHE IS A REAL PERSON
WITH REAL FEELINGS.
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54. FOXXY WAS PROBABLY RIGHT.
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55. DAMN THAT MS. KNOW-IT-ALL!
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56. I SHOULD HAVE KILLED HER
WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.
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57. GIVE ME YOUR HAND!
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58. FIRST, GIVE ME THE RING!
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59. IT JUST DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.
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60. WHEN WE LICKED LING-LING
LAST TIME,
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61. WE GOT ALL ED UP.
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62. BUT THIS TIME, NOTHING HAPPENED.
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63. WELL, WE GOT A LITTLE AROUSED,
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64. BUT NOT ED UP.
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65. UHH! WHAT'S THE DEAL-E-O?
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66. I DON'T FEEL
ANYTHING. YOU?
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67. NOTHING.
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68. HMM. MAYBE WE HAVE TO
EAT LING-LING.
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69. WHY IS IT WHEN
SOMETHING DOESN'T WORK,
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70. YOUR FIRST REACTION
IS TO EAT IT?
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71. WHAT? WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
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72. I COULDN'T FIND
THE REMOTE.
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73. YOU KNOW,
THERE IS ONE PERSON
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74. WHO CAN FIGURE THIS OUT.
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75. THE PROFESSOR!
THE PROFESSOR!
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76. OOH!
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77. AHA!
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78. GOT IT.
HIT THE LIGHTS.
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79. HERE YOU SEE
THE AFRICAN CAMEL TOAD.
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80. IT SECRETES
A HALLUCINOGEN
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81. WHENEVER IT'S SCARED.
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82. AHH!
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83. YEAH, THAT'S—OH,
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
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84. WHEN "COOL" KIDS FEEL
LIKE CATCHING A "BUZZ,"
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85. THEY SCARE THE AMPHIBIAN
AND THEN LICK ITS SKIN.
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86. ALL THE COOL KIDS,
YOU SAY?
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87. NOW TAKE LING-LING,
THE ASIAN TRADING CARD
BATTLE MONSTER.
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88. IT CREATES A SIMILAR
HALLUCINOGEN
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89. WHENEVER IT'S
DISAPPOINTED.
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90. AHH!
OH, I WANT TO
BE COOL!
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91. SO, LING-LING
WAS EXPERIENCING
DISAPPOINTMENT
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92. DUE TO ITS
FATHER'S ABSENCE,
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93. THEN, UPON KISSING
LING-LING,
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94. YOU BECAME... [WACKY
NOISES] TECHNICALLY
SPEAKING.
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95. SO, ONLY WHEN LING-LING
IS DISAPPOINTED, EH? HMM.
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96. OH! DON'T LOOK,
BUT CORKY AT 3:00.
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97. IT LOOKED LIKE I GOT
THROUGH TO THE PRINCESS.
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98. CLARA WOULD SEE THAT
THERE AIN'T NO REASON
TO BE ASHAMED OF BLEH.
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99. WE ALL ADULTS.
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100. DUDE, LET'S EGG
THE TRAINABLE.
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101. MIND IF WE
JOIN YOU GUYS?
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102. NO, NO, NO.
OF COURSE NOT.
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103. DON'T BE STUPID.
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104. MAN, CLARA'S COUSIN
IS SO HOT!
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105. DAMN! SHE'S LIKE
RETARDED HOT!
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106. SAM! AAH!
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107. I'M REALLY GLAD
I BROUGHT BLEH
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108. DOWN TO HANG OUT
WITH EVERYONE.
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109. THEY TREATED HER
LIKE SHE WAS ONE
OF THE GANG.
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110. I HADN'T SEEN BLEH
HAVE THIS MUCH FUN
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111. SINCE THEY CANCELLED
THE PRETTY, SHINY
OBJECT SHOW.
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112. YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT TO STAY AND
PLAY A FEW ROUNDS?
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113. NAH, IT'S GETTING LATE,
AND WE DON'T WANT TO
INTRUDE ON GUY TIME.
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114. 'NIGHT!
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115. "I AM SAM WORKS MAGIC
'CAUSE OF PENN,"
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116. RAVES LOU LUMENICK
OF THE NEW YORK POST.
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117. I GO FIRST.
WHEE!
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118. HOLY SHIT!
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119. SHE IS SO HOT!
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120. OH, SPANKY.
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121. WHAT? OH. OK.
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122. OH, THAT BLEH, MAN.
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123. I WOULD TOTALLY DIP
MY WICK IN THAT.
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124. LISTEN, DUDE. NO MATTER
HOW HOT SHE IS,
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125. YOU WOULD NOT
PUNCH HOLES IN A SPED.
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126. OH, HELL,
YEAH, I WOULD.
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127. I MEAN, SHE'S
THE PERFECT GIRL.
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128. ALL THE SWEATER MEAT
OF A REGULAR CHICK
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129. AND HALF
THE PILLOW TALK.
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130. MAN, YOU'RE ALL TALK.
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131. LOOK, I GOT 20 LARGE
THAT SAYS YOU WON'T
SLEEP WITH HER.
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132. MAKE IT 50
AND YOU'RE ON.
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133. OH, HA HA!
WHEEEEEEE!
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134. HEY, IF YOU'RE GONNA
BE GAY ABOUT THIS,
YOU CAN'T PLAY.
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135. SORRY.
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136. FINE. 50 BUCKS SAYS YOU
WON'T HAVE SEX WITH BLEH.
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137. EASY MONEY.
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138. CAPTAIN HERO IS
GONNA SHOW YOU GUYS
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139. WHAT BEING A REAL MAN
IS ALL ABOUT.
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140. TRIPLE KISS!
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141. WAIT, LING-LING.
IT'S JUST US.
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142. WE'RE NOT REALLY
A 3-HEADED, ACID-SPITTING
NEEDLE MONSTER.
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143. OH.
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144. OH, NO, LING-LING.
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145. INSTEAD OF
CHEERING YOU UP,
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146. WE ACCIDENTALLY
DISAPPOINTED YOU.
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147. OH, POOR BABY.
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148. TRIPLE KISS!
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149. OH! HEE HEE!
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150. I FOUND IT A BIT ODD
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151. THAT CAPTAIN HERO
WANTED TO TAKE BLEH
OUT ON A DATE,
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152. AND IT WAS
MY RESPONSIBILITY
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153. TO MAKE SURE HIS
INTENTIONS WERE PURE.
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154. SO, CAPTAIN HERO, IS IT?
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155. OH. HEH HEH! YEAH?
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156. COMING TO TAKE
MY LITTLE BLEH OUT
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157. FOR A NIGHT
ON THE TOWN, EH?
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158. YOU KNOW, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT'D I DO
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159. IF ANYTHING HAPPENED
TO MY LITTLE BLEH.
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160. YES, MA'AM.
I MEAN, NO, MA'AM.
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161. SON, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT IT'S LIKE
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162. TO KILL A MAN WITH
YOUR BARE HANDS?
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163. I DO.
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164. I...
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165. OH!
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166. HERE'S BLEH NOW!
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167. WOW! YOU LOOK...
STUNNING.
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168. "I AM SAM'S DAKOTA
FANNING IS WORTH THE
PRICE OF ADMISSION."
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169. OW! WHAT THE HELL?
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170. A LITTLE
ADDED PROTECTION.
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171. YOU'LL GET THE ANTIDOTE
WHEN I GET MY BLEH BACK.
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172. HEY, LING-LING,
YOU EXCITED FOR
CHRISTMAS?
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173. TOO BAD THERE'S
NO SUCH THING
AS SANTA CLAUS!
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174. I BET YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED.
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175. OH.
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176. HEY, LOOK WHAT
I FOUND IN YOUR EAR!
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177. IS IT A QUARTER?
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178. OH, NO!
IT'S A TUMOR!
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179. OH.
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180. HEY, LING-LING,
YOU EXCITED FOR
CHRISTMAS?
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181. OH, NO!
IT'S A TUMOR!
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182. OH.
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183. Captain Hero:
YES, I WAS CONFIDENT
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184. THAT BY THE END OF THE
NIGHT, I'D HAVE ANOTHER
NOTCH ON MY UTILITY BELT
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185. AND 50 BUCKS IN MY POCKET.
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186. THEN I REALIZED
SOMETHING. BLEH...
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187. SHE WAS REALLY SPECIAL,
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188. BUT NOT LIKE IN
A RETARDED WAY,
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189. IN A TRADITIONALLY
SPECIAL WAY.
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190. OH!
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191. OK!
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192. SAM.
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193. I DON'T LIKE
THESE THINGS.
THEY SCARE ME!
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194. BLEH, YOU ARE THE WIND
BENEATH MY WINGS.
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195. "CONTRIVED, MANIPULATIVE,
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196. AND SHAMELESSLY
SENTIMENTAL," RAVES PETER
TRAVERS FROM ROLLING STONE.
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197. HEY, LING-LING,
I GOT A PENNY.
NO, I DON'T.
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198. WHOA, GUYS. GUYS!
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199. LING-LING IS
TOTALLY KICKED!
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200. WHAT?
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201. DON'T HOLD OUT
ON ME, MAN.
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202. I NEED MY FIX.
COME ON! PLEASE,
MAN, COME ON!
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203. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'LL DO ANYTHING!
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204. I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK!
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205. OOH! OOH, SAM!
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206. HEE HEE!
SHH!
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207. ARE YOU CRAZY?
THEY'LL HEAR US!
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208. Captain Hero:
BLEH AND I GOT HOME WAY
PAST MIDNIGHT.
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209. I WAS LIKE, WE ARE GONNA
GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!
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210. SO, THIS WAS
REALLY FANTASTIC.
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211. UM, I,
UH... GOOD NIGHT.
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212. AHH!
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213. HEY, SUPER STUD.
DID YOU SLEEP
WITH HER?
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214. DUDE, BACK OFF!
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215. I DID NOT, AS YOU
SO CRUDELY PUT IT...
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216. "NAIL HER
IN THE STINK TUBE."
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217. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
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218. SO YOU KIDS ARE
TAKING IT SLOW?
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219. SEE WHAT I DID
THERE? I—
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220. YOU JUST DON'T GET IT,
SPANKY.
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221. NOBODY GETS IT!
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222. Captain Hero:
I WAS LYING IN BED,
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223. REPLAYING THE DATE OVER
AND OVER IN MY HEAD,
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224. WHEN THERE WAS A KNOCK
AT THE DOOR.
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225. WHO'S THERE?
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226. BLEH! WHAT ARE YOU—
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227. LISTEN, BLEH,
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GUY.
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228. OH, MY!
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229. OH, NO, NO, NO...
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230. LEAVE THE HELMET ON.
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231. AHH.
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232. THAT MORNING,
I WOKE UP FEELING GREAT.
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233. EVERYONE HAD ACCEPTED
ME AND MY COUSIN,
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234. AND THAT WAS SWELL.
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235. OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY,
ISN'T IT, BLEH?
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236. BLEH?
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237. BLEH?
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238. CAPTAIN HERO!
CLARA, IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK!
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239. GET UP! GET UP
RIGHT NOW!
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240. "I AM SAM REDUCES PENN TO
A MUGGING EMBARRASSMENT,"
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241. RAVES MIKE CLARK
OF USA TODAY.
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242. I DON'T CARE.
LET'S GO!
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243. YEEEH...
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244. GO BACK TO YOUR
CAGE RIGHT NOW!
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245. WELL,
LOOK WHO'S DOING
THE LIMP OF SHAME!
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246. YOU BASTARD!
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247. Captain Hero:
CLARA TOTALLY OVERREACTED.
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248. I MEAN, BLEH WAS AN ADULT,
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249. AND COMPLETELY CAPABLE
OF MAKING HER OWN DECISIONS.
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250. OR NOT.
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251. STILL, I NEEDED TO
SIT CLARA DOWN AND
EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED.
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252. CLARA, I NEVER EXPECTED
THIS TO HAPPEN.
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253. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
REAL FEELINGS FOR HER.
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254. WELL...
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255. IF THAT IS THE TRUTH—
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256. IT IS.
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257. THEN I'M TRULY HAPPY
FOR THE TWO OF YOU.
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258. YOU'RE A GOOD MAN,
CAPTAIN HERO.
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259. I KNEW I COULD
TRUST YOU.
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260. HERE'S THE ANTIDOTE.
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261. WELL, NICE WORK,
CAPTAIN HERO.
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262. HERE'S THE $50
I BET YOU TO HAVE
SEX WITH BLEH.
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263. YEEEEEH!
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264. OH, UM, I MEAN, UH...
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265. HERE IS THE $50
CAPTAIN HERO WON OFF ME
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266. BECAUSE I BET HIM
HE WOULD NOT HAVE SEX
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267. WITH YOUR
SPECIAL COUSIN BLEH.
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268. BUT HE DID, IN FACT,
HAVE SEX WITH HER.
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269. OH, YES, HE DID.
FOR $50.
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270. OH, MAN. SAVED IT.
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271. CAPTAIN HERO, I FORBID YOU
TO SEE MY COUSIN EVER AGAIN!
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272. UHH!
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273. I WOULD HAVE BEEN
MORE PISSED AT SPANKY,
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274. BUT YOU KNOW,
I JUST WON $50!
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275. AH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
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276. OOH, I LIKE THE BIG ONE
AND THAT ONE OVER THERE
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277. AND... OOH!
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278. YEAH. HELL, YEAH!
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279. EHHHH.
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280. EHHHH.
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281. EHHHH.
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282. OH, LOOK AT
POOR LING-LING.
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283. WE'VE LICKED
THE LIFE OUT OF IT.
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284. WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
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285. POKE IT HARDER.
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286. UHH!
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287. LOOK AT ME!
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288. I'VE BECOME THE VERY
THING I HATE MOST.
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289. A GUY WHO POKES THINGS
WITH STICKS?
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290. OH, WE'VE ABUSED LING-LING
TO THE POINT WHERE THE
LITTLE GUY IS JUST NUMB.
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291. AND FOR WHAT?
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292. TO CATCH A BUZZ?
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293. I GUESS BEING COOL
JUST ISN'T WORTH IT.
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294. COME ON. WE'VE GOT TO
MAKE THIS RIGHT!
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295. SORRY, WOOLDOOR.
YOU STAY HERE
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296. UNTIL ALL THAT LING-LING
IS OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.
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297. IT'S GONNA BE
THE HARDEST THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE.
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298. TOODLES!
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299. AAH! I CAN'T TAKE IT!
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300. HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I CAN'T TAKE IT!
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301. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
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302. Captain Hero:
OH, SURE, THE MONEY
HELPED DULL THE PAIN,
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303. BUT LATER, YOU KNOW, WHEN
THE STORES ARE ALL CLOSED,
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304. WHO DO I HAVE
TO SHARE IT WITH?
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305. BLEH? NO. NOT ANYMORE.
NOT ANYMORE.
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306. IT JUST WASN'T
WORTH IT, SPANKY!
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307. BLEH, SHE—
SHE WAS SPECIAL.
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308. WHAT ARE YOU—
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
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309. OH, SPANKY,
I LOVE HER.
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310. THEN GO TO HER.
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311. WE KNEW WHAT WE HAD DONE
TO LING-LING WAS WRONG.
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312. HOPEFULLY, THIS WAS GONNA
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313. MAKE IT UP TO THAT LOVABLE,
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314. FORTUNE COOKIE CAT THING.
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315. LING-LING, THERE'S
A SPECIAL WARRIOR
HERE TO SEE YOU.
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316. SURE, WE HAVE OUR ISSUES,
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317. BUT REALLY, THIS IS
A HOUSE DRAWN TOGETHER
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318. WITH LOVE.
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319. YAH!
UHH!
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320. ALL RIGHT, CLARA,
WHERE IS SHE?
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321. HAH! YOU'RE TOO LATE,
CAPTAIN JERKO!
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322. SHE LEFT FOR THE FRONT DOOR
WELL OVER 2 MINUTES AGO!
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323. YOU'LL NEVER CATCH HER!
NEVER!
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324. OH. OH, WELL.
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325. I GUESS IT WASN'T
MEANT TO BE.
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326. EASY COME, EASY GO.
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327. WELL, I'LL BE
SEEING YOU, CLARA.
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328. WAIT! DAMN YOU!
I'VE GOT TO TRY!
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329. YAHH!
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330. Captain Hero: BLEH!
WAIT! I'M COMING!
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331. DUDE, WHERE ARE YOU—UHH!
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332. WATCH IT, PIG!
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333. GO GET HER, MAN.
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334. UHH!
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335. WATCH IT,
HOT BLACK GIRL!
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336. GO GET HER, MAN.
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337. OH, COME ON!
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338. BLEH! BLEH!
BLEH! BLEH!
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339. OH.
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340. BLEH! BLEH, WAIT!
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341. LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT CLARA TOLD YOU,
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342. BUT I LOVE YOU.
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343. YEHHHHHHHH.
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344. "ONE OF THE YEAR'S
10 BEST!"
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345. "DELIVERS IN WAYS
YOU NEVER EXPECTED!"
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346. YES, WELL, MAYBE
IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT.
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347. I MEAN, WE COME
FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS.
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348. I COME FROM
PLANET ZEBULON
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349. AND YOU COME FROM
A MOM WHO DRANK WHEN
SHE WAS PREGNANT.
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350. WELL, FAREWELL,
MY SWEET.
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351. MWAH!
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352. MNNNH DEH
NNNH.
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353. YEAH! SHE KISSED HIM!
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354. SHE KISSED HIM!
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355. HA HA! HA HA!
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356. BLEH, YOU NAILED
THE DRY-MOUTH
FROM REALITY TV SHOW!
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357. WELL, I GUESS I OWE YOU
THAT 50 BUCKS NOW.
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358. OH! 50 BUCKS! YEAH!
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359. OOH, YEAH,
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
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360. I LIKE THE BIG ONE
AND I LIKE THE ONE
OVER THERE. OOH!
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361. YEAH. HELL, YEAH!
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362. SAM, BYE-BYE!
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363. BYE-BYE, SAM!
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364. BYE.
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365. GOOD-BYE.
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366. YOU OK, MAN?
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367. I... DON'T KNOW
IF I'LL EVER BE OK.
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368. YEAH, I'M SORRY.
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369. HEY, YOU WANT TO GO
GRAB A BEER,
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370. SPIN IT, AND KISS
WHOEVER IT POINTS TO?
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371. NO. NOT NOW, SPANKY.
NOT NOW.
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372. HOW ABOUT NOW?
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373. YEAH. OK.
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