Drake & Josh 4x2

Directed by Roger S. Christiansen

David Daskal as Delivery Man #2 • Michael Kopelow as Delivery Man #1 • Buddy Lewis as Animal Control • Julia Duffy as Mrs. Hayfer

Mrs. Hayfer needs a house sitter for the weekend and it's the boys to the rescue, but all doesn't go according to plan when they meet Tiberius, a vicious dog with an appetite for… Drake and Josh?! Walter is exercising for the mile run against another weather man.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I'LL TELL YOU THIS... HANDLING A BAD SITUATION CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL. WATCHING JOSH DEAL

2. WITH A BAD SITUATION CAN BE VERY HYSTERICAL. LIKE THE TIME I DONATED BLOOD.

3. LIKE THE TIME HE DONATED BLOOD AT SCHOOL. OH! SO THIS ATTRACTIVE NURSE

4. STICKS A NEEDLE IN MY ARM, RIGHT? THIS INSANELY HOT NURSE SHOVES A NEEDLE IN JOSH'S ARM...

5. OH, BUT NO ONE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS THE NURSE'S FIRST DAY ON THE JOB. IT WAS HER FIRST DAY BEING A

6. NURSE. SO AS SOON AS MY BLOOD STARTS COMING OUT... AND WHEN SHE SEES THE FIRST

7. DROP OF JOSH'S BLOOD... SHE FAINTS. SHE PASSES OUT. AND WHEN SHE FELL DOWN, THE

8. TUBE SLIPPED OFF THE NEEDLE, AND MY BLOOD STARTED JUST SPURTING ALL OVER THE ROOM. SPURTING!

9. JOSH'S ARM WAS SPEWING BLOOD LIKE A GARDEN HOSE. OH, YEAH, SO AFTER I LOSE LIKE A QUART OF BLOOD, I PASSED

10. OUT. THEN HE FAINTED. I WAS SO UNCONSCIOUS. I GOT BLOOD ALL OVER MY BLUE

11. SWEATER. YEAH, GOOD TIMES. LOOK AT THIS SWEATER! LOOK AT IT!

12. YOU KNOW, ANOTHER INTERESTING PIECE OF TRIVIA ABOUT MARK TWAIN IS THAT BEFORE HE WAS AN AUTHOR,

13. HE WORKED FOR A COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURED CHEWING GUM. SO I GUESS YOU COULD CALL HIM A CHEW CHEW TWAIN.

14. WHY DON'T PEOPLE EVER LAUGH AT MY JOKES? OK, DON'T FORGET TO HAND IN YOUR

15. ESSAYS BEFORE YOU LEAVE. HERE'S MY ESSAY, MRS. HAYFER. OH, HOW NICE.

16. I'M SUCKER FOR TRANSLUCENT LAVENDER. MMM, WELL, WHO ISN'T? DRAKE.

17. YES, MA'AM? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAND IN AN ESSAY ON CURRENT EVENTS. YEAH, WHICH I DID.

18. NO, THIS IS TODAY'S NEWSPAPER WITH YOUR NAME WRITTEN ON TOP... IN CRAYON. WELL, YOU CAN'T GET MORE

19. CURRENT THAN TODAY'S PAPER, RIGHT, JOSH? OH, PLEASE, LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.

20. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, DRAKE? AN "F"? OH, THAT IS ONE QUESTION YOU

21. ALWAYS GET RIGHT. AND GUESS WHAT ELSE? WHAT? I HATE YOU.

22. I KNOW. UH, STAY. HELLO?

23. YES, MARTA, WHAT IS IT? OH, I SEE. NO, I'M NOT ANGRY. IT'S FINE.

24. I SAID I'M NOT ANGRY! GOOD-BYE! IS EVERYTHING OK? NO, MY HOUSEKEEPER JUST

25. CANCELED FOR THE WEEKEND. I'M GOING AWAY, AND NOW I HAVE NO ONE TO WATCH MY HOUSE. REALLY?

26. OH, DON'T DO IT. WELL, I'LL DO IT. SO HE DOES IT. JOSH, THAT'S VERY SWEET, BUT

27. I HAVE A DOG AND LOTS OF PLANTS. YOU DON'T WANT TO GO— WHOA, WHOA, I'M GREAT WITH DOGS AND PLANTS.

28. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I HAD A POODLE AND A FERN. I NAMED THEM BOTH JERRY. OF COURSE, YOU DID.

29. WELL, I AM STUCK. IF YOU REALLY DON'T MIND— AHH, I'M ALL OVER IT. WELL, THANK YOU, JOSH.

30. AND AS FOR YOU, DRAKE... I SPENT 5 YEARS IN POST GRADUATE SCHOOL TO BECOME A TEACHER. I'VE WON 3 NATIONAL TEACHING

31. AWARDS. I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD SHOW ME AND MY ASSIGNMENTS DUE RESPECT.

32. YOU KNOW YOU GOT A LITTLE BOOGER RIGHT THERE? IF YOU WANT TO GET IT, THAT'S— OH! OH!

33. HE'S NOT WORTH IT! HE'S NOT WORTH IT! I'LL LET GO! ♪ I NEVER THOUGHT

34. YOU KNOW THAT I TOLD YOU I'LL ALWAYS BE PICKING YOU UP WHEN YOU'RE DOWN, SO JUST TURN AROUND,

35. OOH-OOH-OOH, OOOOOOOH ♪ ALL RIGHT, COULD YOU MOVE IT A LITTLE BIT TO THE LEFT?

36. HEY, POP. OH, HEY. WHAT'S THAT THING? OH, IT'S AN ELLIPTICAL

37. MACHINE. FOR WHO? FOR ME. I'M GOING TO START WORKING OUT.

38. OK, OK, OK. I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT ME WORKING OUT. OH, NOTHING.

39. YOU SEE, IT'S JUST THE THOUGHT OF YOU ACTUALLY WORKING OUT. WELL, I BOUGHT IT BECAUSE I'M COMPETING IN CHANNEL 7's ANNUAL

40. 5K FUN RUN. AGAIN? BUT DOESN'T THAT OTHER WEATHER MAN ALWAYS BEAT YOU?

41. WHAT'S HIS NAME, UH— UH, BRUCE WINCHELL. I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION HIS NAME IN THIS HOUSE.

42. AND FOR THE RECORD, I'M GOING TO WIN THIS YEAR. BRUCE WINCHELL'S NOT RUNNING?

43. HE'S RUNNING. I'M JUST GOING TO RUN FASTER.

44. I'M GOING TO GRAB A MOCHA COLA. OH, HEY, CAR KEYS. WHERE YOU HEADED?

45. OH, I PROMISED MY TEACHER THAT I WOULD TAKE CARE OF HER HOUSE WHILE SHE'S OUT OF TOWN. SO I'M JUST GOING TO FEED HER

46. DOG AND WATER HER PLANTS AND STUFF. OH, GOOD. ON YOUR WAY HOME, WOULD YOU PICK

47. MEGAN UP FROM OBOE PRACTICE? I'M GOING TO BE HERE ALL NIGHT WORKING OUT. HA!

48. IT'S NOT FUNNY! I'LL PICK UP MEGAN. THANK YOU. I'LL SEE YOU IN AN HOUR.

49. OK. HEY, I'M GOING TO RIDE WITH YOU. WHY?

50. WELL, 'CAUSE I WANT TO HELP YOU DO STUFF FOR MRS. HAYFER. OK, THE CHEERLEADERS PRACTICE OUTSIDE ON SATURDAYS AND IT'S ON

51. THE WAY. SO LET'S DRIVE BY SLOWLY. NO, ALL RIGHT? WE'RE NOT GOING TO GAWK AT

52. CHEERLEADERS. LORI McNEIL AND KAREN FRANKLIN ARE GOING TO BE THERE. DON'T THEY HATE EACH OTHER?

53. YES, THEY DO. THINK THERE MIGHT BE A SLAP FIGHT? IF WE'RE LUCKY.

54. WE'LL DRIVE BY THE CHEERLEADERS. WHY IS IT SO MUCH FUN TO

55. WATCH CHEERLEADERS FIGHT? DON'T QUESTION IT, JUST LOVE IT. TRUE THAT.

56. HEY, MRS. HAYFER HAS A PRETTY NICE PLACE. EHH, I'VE SEEN NICER. ALL RIGHT, SHE SAID SHE WAS

57. GOING TO LEAVE ME A NOTE, WHICH SHOULD BE RIGHT... HERE. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, NO SNOOPING. I'M NOT SNOOPING.

58. I'M RIFLING THROUGH HER DRAWERS TO SEE WHAT LIES WITHIN. WELL, I'M IN CHARGE. AND I DON'T WANT YOU RIFLING

59. THROUGH MRS. HAYFER'S DRAWERS. TAH! OH, GROW UP. WOW!

60. THIS GIRL'S SERIOUSLY HOT. MISS NEW JERSEY 1976. THAT'S MRS. HAYFER. THAT'S MRS. HAYFER?

61. THERE'S A NEW JERSEY? YEAH, THEY JUST OPENED IT. NOW JUST STAY PUT WHILE I WATER THE PLANTS.

62. SEARCH FOR THE STARS. WILL YOU PUT THAT BACK? I WANT TO SEE WHAT IT IS. ALL RIGHT, FINE.

63. JUST MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE EVERYTHING THE WAY IT WAS. YEAH, YEAH. NOISE, NOISE.

64. SO HOW ABOUT THOSE TURNPIKES? NO WAY! WHAT IS IT? IT'S MRS. HAYFER ON SEARCH

65. FOR THE STARS, LIKE, FROM A MILLION YEARS AGO. GET OUT OF HERE. YEAH, SHE'S DOING STAND-UP

66. COMEDY. SO WHO HERE IS FROM NEW JERSEY? NO? WELL, WE'VE GOT THIS DINER THERE.

67. AND THERE'S THIS REALLY OLD WAITRESS AND SHE HAS A NAME TAG THAT SAID ETHEL LINCOLN. AND I SAID, "OH, ARE YOU A DESCENDANT

68. OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S?" AND SHE SAID, "DESCENDANT? I'M HIS MOTHER." AM I RIGHT? IT WASN'T FUNNY.

69. WELL, SO I HAVE A CAT. OK, WHO THREW THE CHAIR? HEY, SHE HAS A BOOGER IN HER

70. NOSE THERE, TOO. OH, LOOK, A DOG. OH, YEAH. YEAH, HIS NAME IS TIBERIUS.

71. YEAH, I'M SUPPOSED TO FEED HIM AND GIVE HIM HIS EAR MEDICINE, WHICH IS... RIGHT HERE. WILL YOU HOLD HIS EAR WHILE PUT

72. THE DROPS IN? I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH A DOG'S INFECTED EAR. GROSS! GROSS?

73. ON THE WAY HERE YOU ATE A PEANUT OFF OF THE CAR FLOOR. IT WAS HONEY ROASTED. HOLD THE EAR.

74. FINE. OK, HI, TIBERIUS. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DRAKE. AND HE'S JUST GOING TO HOLD YOUR

75. EAR WHILE I PUT— AAH! MAN, DID YOU SEE THOSE TEETH?

76. DO YOU SEE THE STAIN? WHAT'S THIS DOG'S PROBLEM? ITS PROBLEM IS IT WANTS TO EAT US AND WE'RE IN HERE.

77. MRS. HAYFER ASKS YOU TO WATCH HER HOUSE, BUT DOESN'T MENTION HER DOG IS HOMICIDAL. IT'S NOT ON THE LIST.

78. IT STOPPED. YEAH. MAYBE HE WENT INTO ANOTHER ROOM. GO OUTSIDE AND CHECK.

79. YOU CHECK. NO! I'M SCARED. OH, AND I'M IN HERE 'CAUSE I

80. LOVE HANGING WITH YOU BY A TOILET. COME ON. ALL RIGHT.

81. AHH. YOU JUST TURN IT. I KNOW HOW TO WORK A KNOB.

82. DO YOU SEE HIM? NO, I THINK HE'S GONE. OK, NOW LET'S JUST WALK OUT— AAH!

83. OH, MY GOD! OH, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE? WE GOT TO GET HELP.

84. OH, I'LL CALL DAD. OH, GREAT. OH, GREAT!

85. I DON'T KNOW HOW IT TOOK YOU SO LONG, YOU ♪ WELL? NO ANSWER.

86. YOU PROBABLY DIALED THE WRONG NUMBER. LET ME SEE IT. I THINK I KNOW OUR OWN NUMBER.

87. DUDE, JUST LET ME TRY—

88. NICE! IT'S YOUR FAULT. GO GET IT. I'M NOT PUTTING MY HAND IN THERE. THAT'S WHERE

89. MRS. HAYFER PEES. PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN WORK ANYMORE. YEAH, WELL, LET'S SEE.

90. IT STILL WORKS. I KNEW THE TOILET STILL WORKED, DRAKE. I MEANT MY PHONE.

91. OH, WELL, THAT'S GONE. WELL, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE. OH, ALL RIGHT. UM...

92. WHAT? AHH! I SET IT DOWN OUT THERE WHEN I PUT THE DVD IN.

93. NICE! WELL, LOOK, HEY, THE DOG HASN'T BARKED IN FOR A WHILE, SO HE'S PROBABLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.

94. SO? SO RUN OUT THERE, GRAB MY PHONE, AND COME BACK BEFORE TIBERIUS KILLS YOU.

95. BUT YOU'RE FASTER THAN ME, SO IT'S LESS DANGEROUS IF YOU GO. OK, FINE. OPEN THE DOOR ON 3.

96. OK. OK, 1, 2, 3.

97. YOU HIT THE DOOR. YEAH, WHY DIDN'T YOU OPEN IT? YOU DIDN'T SAY GO. I SAID ON 3.

98. YEAH, 1, 2, 3, GO. FINE, ON GO. 1, 2, 3, GO. AAH!

99. AAH! I GOT IT! OH! HI, THERE, TIBERIUS.

100. LAY DOWN. NO? OK. AAH! OH!

101. HEAD TRAUMA. WHAT HAPPENED? TIBERIUS TRIED TO SNACK ON MY FACE, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

102. WELL, DID YOU GET THE CELL PHONE? YEAH. YES!

103. BUT I DROPPED IT. OH, MAN! NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

104. YOU WERE SO SCARED, YOU COULDN'T HOLD ON TO THE CELL PHONE? YOU WET YOUR PANTS.

105. THIS IS TRUE.

106. YOU REALIZE WE'VE BEEN STUCK IN HERE FOR OVER AN HOUR, DON'T YOU?

107. YES, AND DON'T WHINE TO ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO JUST HAD TO GO SUCKING UP TO MRS. HAYFER. OOH,

108. I'M JOSH, AND I'D JUST LOVE TO HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR HOUSE, MRS. HAYFER. OK, SO WHEN DID I, LIKE,

109. BECOME ITALIAN? YOU GOT MY POINT. WHAT, YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO SPEND MY SATURDAY NIGHT

110. LOCKED IN MY ENGLISH TEACHER'S BATHROOM WITH YOU? OH, COME ON. THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST

111. EXCITING SATURDAY NIGHT YOU'VE HAD IN 5 YEARS. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? SO!

112. I MEAN, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE GOING THROUGH MRS. HAYFER'S MEDICINE CABINET. YEAH, YEAH, THERE'S LOTS OF

113. STUFF I SHOULDN'T DO. TOPICAL OINTMENT? APPLY TWICE DAILY TO RELIEVE ITCHING. EW!

114. HELLO, ANYBODY HOME? WHO'S THAT? IT SOUNDS LIKE MEGAN. DRAKE? JOSH?

115. THAT IS MEGAN. HOW DID SHE KNOW WE— OH, NO! SHE'S OUTSIDE WITH TIBERIUS.

116. NO, HE'LL EAT HER ALIVE! COME ON. DUDE! WELL, JUST 'CAUSE SHE GETS

117. EATEN DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE TO. THAT'S OUR LITTLE SISTER OUT THERE. NOW WE GOTTA GO HELP HER.

118. OH, ALL RIGHT. COME ON. Megan! Run!

119. I DON'T WANT TO RUN. But he's vicious. YEAH, HE'S REAL VICIOUS.

120. OOH, DOWN, BOY. YOU'RE SO SCARY.

121. I DON'T GET IT. WELL, HE'S ALL CALM. EVIL DOG, EVIL GIRL. MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

122. WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP 2 HOURS AGO. HOW'D YOU KNOW WE WERE HERE?

123. DAD SAID YOU WERE STOPPING HERE AND THEN PICKING ME UP, WHICH YOU DIDN'T. WE COULDN'T.

124. YEAH, WE WERE TRAPPED HERE BY THIS DEMON DOG. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND, HE

125. GOES ALL BERSERK AND TRIES TO KILL US. REALLY? YEAH.

126. SEE YA. AAH! WHOA!

127. OH! AHH! DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN DOING THAT

128. FOR A HALF HOUR. IF YOU HAVE TO PEE, PEE ALREADY. I CAN'T GO WITH YOU IN HERE. WHY NOT?

129. I GET STAGE FRIGHT. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. YOU JUST BEND YOUR KNEES, WIGGLE YOUR HIPS, AND THINK ABOUT

130. WATERFALLS. ALL RIGHT, CLOSE YOUR EYES. HELLO, ANYONE HOME?

131. NOW WHO'S HERE? HELLO, ANIMAL CONTROL. ANIMAL CONTROL? GO, GO, GO.

132. HEY. HI. YOU BOYS HAVE A CANINE ISSUE? YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW?

133. YEAH, WE GOT A CALL FROM ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS. SAID SHE HAD HEARD LOUD BARKING AND GIRLS SCREAMING ALL NIGHT

134. LONG. ARE YOU THE SCREAMING GIRLS? MAYBE. SORT OF.

135. OK, WHERE'S THE DOG? WE'RE NOT SURE. BUT YOU SHOULD PUT ON SOME PROTECTIVE PADDING OR SOMETHING.

136. YEAH, THIS DOG IS BIG AND WAY OUT OF CONTROL. LOOK, BOYS, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS 11 YEARS.

137. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I CAN HANDLE ANY DOG SITUATION THAT COULD POSSIBLY—

138. AAH! AAH!

139. OH! AAH! AAH! THERE'S MY—AAH!

140. SO... YOU'VE BEEN AN ANIMAL CONTROL GUY FOR 11 YEARS, HUH? TRAINED TO HANDLE ANY KIND OF

141. DOG SITUATION, HAVE YOU? I'VE NEVER SEEN A DOG LIKE THIS ONE. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING THIS

142. SCARY, AND I FOUGHT IN 'NAM. 'NAM? YOU KNOW, VIETNAM. WHERE'S THAT, NEW JERSEY?

143. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM? YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT SURE. LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR SATURDAY NIGHT

144. INSULTING ME OR YOU WANT TO FIGURE A WAY OUT OF HERE? WELL, I MEAN, YOU'RE THE ANIMAL CONTROL GUY.

145. WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT THERE AND CONTROL THAT BEAST? NO, UH-UH, I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE AND LET THAT MONSTER CHEW

146. MY BUTT OFF. I'M GOING TO SIT RIGHT HERE ON THIS TOILET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

147. WELL, FINE. WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. GOOD LUCK, HAMBURGER MEAT.

148. HEY, HAND ME THAT BAR OF SOAP OVER THERE. WHAT, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN WHITTLING ON A TOILET?

149. ACTUALLY, NO. NO, WE HAVEN'T. RIGHT, SO HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE?

150. OK, I THINK THAT IF WE RUN OUT AND SPLIT UP, JUST RUN IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, WE'LL BE ABLE TO CONFUSE HIM.

151. AND WE'LL GET TO THE DOOR, BEFORE HE CAN KILL US. WANT TO GO FOR IT? I DON'T KNOW.

152. IT'S KIND OF RISKY. HEY, YOUNG MAN, FEEL THIS LUMP ON MY SHOULDER AND YOU TELL ME IF IT SHOULD BE REMOVED.

153. YEAH, LET'S DO IT. OK. ON 3, READY? ALL RIGHT.

154. 1, 2, 3.

155. WHOA! AHH! UH!

156. AAH! JOSH! HELP! JOSH! I'M DANGLING AND ROTATING.

157. OH! JOSH, HELP! DRAKE, HOLD ON! WOO!

158. JOSH! JOSH, WHERE'D YOU GO? I'M IN THE KITCHEN! OH, THIS IS NO TIME FOR

159. SNACKING. WHOO! WHOO! LOOK, TIBERIUS, MEAT.

160. COME ON. UH! HA HA!

161. SUCKA! OK, DRAKE, COME DOWN. OH! OK, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

162. HE'S GONE? HE'S GONE! OH, HUG ME, BROTHER!

163. AAH! UH!

164. OOH!

165. OW! AND WE ARE HOME! OH, I LOVE THIS HOME. OH, ME, TOO, BRO.

166. HA! THAT WAS INSANE. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.

167. I KNOW, RIGHT? OH, WE BETTER TELL DAD WHAT HAPPENED. YEAH.

168. DAD! HEY, WALTER! POP! I WONDER WHERE HE WENT.

169. HELLO! DRAKE! JOSH!

170. HELLO, WHO'S THAT?

171. 'SUP? HELLO. I MADE A DUCK.

172. DRAKE! JOSH!

173. HEY. OH! NICE DOGGIE! WHOA, POOCH!

174. OH! OH! WHOA! NO, NO, NICE DOGGIE. OH! AHH!

175. SO WHY DO THEY CALL IT NEW JERSEY, IF THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HAD A PLAIN OLD JERSEY?

176. I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T AT THE MEETING. HEY, TURN IT TO CHANNEL 5. I'M GOING TO GO GRAB A DRINK.

177. HMM. AAH! AAH!

178. AHH!

179. SO IS THERE AN OLD HAMPSHIRE? [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—]

180. RIGHT.