1. I've got you now,
Captain Action Figure.Copy !req
2. And there is no escape!Copy !req
3. - That's what you think, Dr. Freebie.Copy !req
4. Come, Remington.Copy !req
5. - Oh, no! Not...Copy !req
6. Yes, it's Remington,
the robot puppy that transformsCopy !req
7. into an assault rifle.Copy !req
8. With telescopic tail sight!Copy !req
9. - And doggie night vision!
- I want that!Copy !req
10. OK, boy, let's show
Dr. Freebie how to play dead.Copy !req
11. Hey!Copy !req
12. I can't believe
they'd putCopy !req
13. that kind of violence
in a children's show.Copy !req
14. - What are they thinking?
- Buy me the puppy rifle.Copy !req
15. That's what they're thinking.Copy !req
16. Hey, Mom. I've got this little
bump on the back of my neck.Copy !req
17. A bump? I'd better
take a look at that.Copy !req
18. Yeah, I'm a little worried.
It's breaking the line of my sweater.Copy !req
19. Well, then.
There's no time to waste.Copy !req
20. Something smells funny.Copy !req
21. - Oh! Oh, Charlene!
- What?Copy !req
22. - Yeah?
- This bump is your scent gland.Copy !req
23. - Your scent's come in!
- Oh, already?Copy !req
24. - I can't believe it! Mom!
- Oh!Copy !req
25. How come they're happy?
She stinks.Copy !req
26. To you and to every other male,
except one particular boy out there...Copy !req
27. - Yeah.
- ... who'll find that scentCopy !req
28. a wonderful, magical fragrance.Copy !req
29. And that's the boy Charlene
is destined to spend the rest of her life with.Copy !req
30. She still stinks.Copy !req
31. Trust me, for one lucky boy
that scent is the beginning of love and romance.Copy !req
32. - Remember, Earl, when I got my scent?Copy !req
33. Oh, you bet. You smelled
exactly like a new car.Copy !req
34. You were attracted to Mom
'cause she smells like a car?Copy !req
35. A new car.Copy !req
36. Showroom fresh, leather
interior, pile carpeting. Oh...Copy !req
37. - Not in front of the children.
- Oh, sorry, Fran.Copy !req
38. For a minute there I was
18 again.Copy !req
39. - Earl.
- Please.Copy !req
40. Whoa!
What's that stench?Copy !req
41. Are the carpets on fire again?Copy !req
42. - No, it's my scent, Daddy.
- Swell.Copy !req
43. It just came in
this morning. Smell.Copy !req
44. - Isn't it great?
- Yeah, great.Copy !req
45. Whoa, later.Copy !req
46. Oh, oh,
is somebody burning tires?Copy !req
47. Charlene got her scent.Copy !req
48. - It's a magical fragrance.
- Yeah.Copy !req
49. Congratulations. Now, could
somebody please open a window?Copy !req
50. Very funny.
You see, you're just jealousCopy !req
51. because I'm about to start
a whole new life.Copy !req
52. And once I'm married,
Mom and Dad won't be making all my decisionsCopy !req
53. like telling me where to go
and what to think.Copy !req
54. - I'll have a husband
to do that. - Good plan.Copy !req
55. Now, if you could just get
someone to chew your food and breathe for you,Copy !req
56. you won't have to lug
that pesky brain around.Copy !req
57. - Jealous.
- Yeah...Copy !req
58. Ha! Of course, I can't
start a whole new life with an old wardrobe.Copy !req
59. A milestone like this
requires major shopping.Copy !req
60. I'm glad to see the significance
of this event was not lost on you.Copy !req
61. Oh, I just realized. I could
meet him in school today.Copy !req
62. My future mate for life.Copy !req
63. Ha. I could be engaged
before homeroom.Copy !req
64. Oh, I gotta change!Copy !req
65. Ooh, OK, here comes another one.Copy !req
66. Yeah? OK.Copy !req
67. - Huh?Copy !req
68. - Huh?Copy !req
69. - Oh, gee.
- Boy, this is so depressing.Copy !req
70. I mean, six hours
and not one guy has noticed me.Copy !req
71. - There you are!Copy !req
72. Mr. Pullman?Copy !req
73. At last, my desperate,
lonely search is at an end.Copy !req
74. - Aah...
- Oh...Copy !req
75. Oh, boy.Copy !req
76. Oh, well, I don't know.
Charlene Sinclair-Pullman.Copy !req
77. - It could've been magic.
- Very funny.Copy !req
78. - What's that acrid odor?
- Huh?Copy !req
79. Oh, let me guess.
Burning rubber, right?Copy !req
80. Of course!
Those darn seniors.Copy !req
81. I told them, "No wheelies
in the parking lot."Copy !req
82. - Excuse me, ladies.
- Sure.Copy !req
83. Charlene, I don't know.
This is kind of weird.Copy !req
84. Standing in the hall waiting for
some boy to get wind of you.Copy !req
85. - It's pretty undignified.
- Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
86. What if I sat on the hood
of your car, and you drove me around town?Copy !req
87. - Ooh, cool. Meet you outside.
- Great.Copy !req
88. - [sighs, hums]
- [snorting, snuffling]Copy !req
89. Oh, no! Not him!Copy !req
90. Not the custodian!Copy !req
91. - Oh, yes!
- No!Copy !req
92. Oh, baby!Copy !req
93. Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
94. Aaah!Copy !req
95. - Ohh!
- Ow!Copy !req
96. - Ow!
- Ooh!Copy !req
97. Aah!Copy !req
98. No!Copy !req
99. - Yeah!Copy !req
100. Oh, baby!
[grunts, groans]Copy !req
101. Oh, that smarts! Oh!Copy !req
102. - I know I come
over here for something. -Copy !req
103. - Oh, yeah. That smell on you!
- What?Copy !req
104. Whoo-ee! Takes me back
to my first car.Copy !req
105. - I smell like a new car?
- Oh, heck, no.Copy !req
106. That baby had some
miles on her.Copy !req
107. - What?
- Burned off something fierce!Copy !req
108. Never figured I'd smell anything
like that old smudge pot again,Copy !req
109. - but, shoot, girl. Here you be.
- Yeah. Gosh.Copy !req
110. Wow, that's very flattering,
but if you don't mind I gotta go...Copy !req
111. Uh, uh, uh. You got the smell.Copy !req
112. That means you the one.Copy !req
113. I'm sure this is just
some sort of crazy mix-up.Copy !req
114. Oh, there's no use
fightin' it, darlin'.Copy !req
115. That smell and this nose
go together like a hog and slop.Copy !req
116. We was made
for each other, girl!Copy !req
117. But you don't even
know my name!Copy !req
118. - I know what it's gonna be!
- What?Copy !req
119. Mrs. Ray Gherkin, janitor!Copy !req
120. But, but, I, I...
I'm too young to be married.Copy !req
121. - No.
- I'm only 15.Copy !req
122. So. My sister was only 14
when she married Uncle Cephus.Copy !req
123. And there's nothing
I'd like moreCopy !req
124. than to be part of such
a loving, inbred family, but I...Copy !req
125. Yeah. You don't have to
sweet talk me, buttercup. I'm ready to do this deal.Copy !req
126. Yeah, but I'm not!Copy !req
127. I mean, I just can't believe
that I'm supposed toCopy !req
128. spend the rest
of my life with you!Copy !req
129. Believe it, sugar.
And it's a pretty picture, too.Copy !req
130. You, me, a trailer park,
and a parcel of young'unsCopy !req
131. crawling over everything like
maggots. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
132. Huh? Where'd my little
smoke bomb go?Copy !req
133. Don't matter.Copy !req
134. You can run...
but you can't hide.Copy !req
135. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
136. - More.
- You finished that whole gallon?Copy !req
137. - You can't still be hungry.
- This isn't about satisfying hunger,Copy !req
138. this is about exploding!Copy !req
139. I know you're disappointed,
but eating's only going to make it worse.Copy !req
140. Worse? Nature has determined
that I'm to spend my lifeCopy !req
141. with a boorish,
slovenly, dimwit?Copy !req
142. Do you have any idea
what that's like?Copy !req
143. - Fran, the TV's gone!
- Turn around, honey.Copy !req
144. Found it!Copy !req
145. - The time passes quickly.
- Yeah.Copy !req
146. - Oh, look at this!
- Hmm?Copy !req
147. You heard right, ladies.Copy !req
148. Spike reductions,
tail enlargements, even scent changesCopy !req
149. for just $29.95.
We'll make it bigger, smaller.Copy !req
150. Make you smell like a daisy
at Surgery King.Copy !req
151. If you can find the same
surgical procedures anywhere for less,Copy !req
152. I'll match it, or your
second surgery is free!Copy !req
153. And you can believe me because
I'm not just the announcer...Copy !req
154. I'm also a chief of surgery.Copy !req
155. - Move it.
- What? You're not serious!Copy !req
156. Charlene, you can't
change your scent.Copy !req
157. - It's a scam!
- You don't know that!Copy !req
158. Tonight we go behind
the scenes at Surgery King.Copy !req
159. - What?
- Where bogus promises of scent changingCopy !req
160. have already lured
countless, gullible saps.Copy !req
161. After that, two more
depressing stories,Copy !req
162. then a bit of fluff
from the old, whiny guy.Copy !req
163. - I'm gonna smell forever.
- There's nothing wrong with your scent.Copy !req
164. Your scent is who you are,
and I think you're a wonderful young girl.Copy !req
165. Yeah? Yeah, well if
I'm so wonderful,Copy !req
166. how come the only guy who sees
it spends most of his time with his head in the toilet?Copy !req
167. You know what?Copy !req
168. I think we should
invite Ray over for dinner.Copy !req
169. Uh-huh. And the twisted,
misguided logic behind that would be...Copy !req
170. That in a relaxed,
social setting,Copy !req
171. you can get to know
what Ray is really like.Copy !req
172. Oh, you're right, Mom.Copy !req
173. Yeah. It's time we move
past the glamorous,Copy !req
174. debonair image we all have
of school custodians.Copy !req
175. Look, if he's as awful
as you say, you have nothing to worry about.Copy !req
176. Your father will never give
his blessing for a marriage.Copy !req
177. What?Copy !req
178. - This can't be happening to me.Copy !req
179. - I'll get it.
- No! No, tell him we moved.Copy !req
180. Tell him it's the
wrong address, Mom. Please.Copy !req
181. OK. I don't want to
prejudice you in any way, Dad,Copy !req
182. but you've got to take a long,
hard look at this guyCopy !req
183. and see him for the
fat loser he really is.Copy !req
184. Now, don't worry.Copy !req
185. I'm not gonna let
just anybody walk off with my little princess.Copy !req
186. Earl, this is Ray Gherkin.Copy !req
187. - Howdy-do!
- I like him.Copy !req
188. - Dad!
- It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sinclair.Copy !req
189. Hope you don't mind, but I
parked my truck on your lawnCopy !req
190. so's I can keep an eye on it.Copy !req
191. Don't want nobody
stealing my new gun rack.Copy !req
192. - Smart.
- Hey, Smokey!Copy !req
193. Hi, Ray.
Uh, what's that under your arm?Copy !req
194. I didn't want to show up
at the in-laws empty-handed.Copy !req
195. - Brewski?
- You read my mind.Copy !req
196. All right! I bet I can
guzzle faster than you.Copy !req
197. - You're on!
- OK, here we go!Copy !req
198. Pretty dreamy, huh, Mom?Copy !req
199. - I'm champion.
- Wow! Doesn't that hurt?Copy !req
200. Can ain't got no feelin'.
Right, Earl?Copy !req
201. What a clever insight,Copy !req
202. but I believe, now,
my husband has some questionsCopy !req
203. - he'd like to ask you.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
204. - Questions?
Oh, yeah, right. Um... - Uh-huh.Copy !req
205. Could you teach me
that thing with the beer can?Copy !req
206. - Earl!Copy !req
207. - That ain't no big thing.
- Hmm?Copy !req
208. Here, Ray.
Why don't you sit down?Copy !req
209. - Oh, OK.
- No, Mom!Copy !req
210. So, Ray. Charlene tells me
you're a custodian.Copy !req
211. Yeah, but I'm just doing it
for the money, which ain't all that good.Copy !req
212. But I can swipe
all the disinfectant I want.Copy !req
213. Well, anyhoo, I'm taking
night school so I can make something of myself.Copy !req
214. Oh, really? Night school.Copy !req
215. - Please.
- Yep. Some say it's a dream,Copy !req
216. but someday...Copy !req
217. - ... I'm gonna be a tree pusher.Copy !req
218. - You wanna be a tree pusher?
- Yeah.Copy !req
219. Reach for the stars.
That's what Daddy said.Copy !req
220. Never said nothin' else.Copy !req
221. That's when we had to
keep him in that little room under the stairs.Copy !req
222. Hey, tree pushing's
a noble profession.Copy !req
223. You've gotta be a special
kind of guy to push down hundreds of trees a day.Copy !req
224. Are you sure you're up to it?Copy !req
225. Yep. Long as I got a good,
sturdy female behind me.Copy !req
226. Watch it!Copy !req
227. I know exactly what you mean.Copy !req
228. Would you excuse me
for a minute, please?Copy !req
229. Look, my life is
flashing before me.Copy !req
230. And it's your life, Mom.
Do something!Copy !req
231. Um... Why don't we have dinner
and chat some more?Copy !req
232. I'm sure we have
a lot to talk about.Copy !req
233. No, no. I think we can skip
the formalities, Frannie.Copy !req
234. - Ray.
- Yeah.Copy !req
235. I'd be honored to have you
as a member of my family.Copy !req
236. You adopting me?Copy !req
237. No. I'm giving you my blessing
to marry my daughter.Copy !req
238. Well, hot doggies!
Did you hear that, Charlene?Copy !req
239. Now there ain't nothing
to stop us from getting hitched.Copy !req
240. - Frail little bird, ain't she?Copy !req
241. - So, you're making a new scent?
- Yeah. I've got to.Copy !req
242. My real scent attracted
a janitor.Copy !req
243. You'd have someone
to clean up your room.Copy !req
244. Yeah... And yet,
something is missing.Copy !req
245. - Several key chromosomes?
- For starters.Copy !req
246. You think rubbing on
this other scentCopy !req
247. is gonna help you attract
a better class of guy?Copy !req
248. - Yeah.
- What a bizarre concept.Copy !req
249. Hey, it's worth a try.
Here we go. Ah!Copy !req
250. - OK. Come on,
smell me, smell me. - OK, OK.Copy !req
251. - What do you smell?Copy !req
252. - I'm in a pine forest...
- Good.Copy !req
253. - ... high in the mountains...
- Yeah.Copy !req
254. A sweet, alpine breeze caresses
me with the scent of jasmine...Copy !req
255. - Jasmine.
- ... honeysuckle,Copy !req
256. - and a fiery heap
of burning whitewalls. -Copy !req
257. There's got to be a way out.
I mean...Copy !req
258. There's got to be
something I can do!Copy !req
259. Refer to scent...Copy !req
260. Scent, hmm, scent, scent.
Where is it?Copy !req
261. Oh, here it is!Copy !req
262. OK... All right...Copy !req
263. - Charlene, it's two
in the morning. - What?Copy !req
264. - What are you doing?
- Well, I'm just reading, Grandma.Copy !req
265. Hey, shouldn't you be asleep?Copy !req
266. I try to stay up at night
so I'm out cold when your father's around.Copy !req
267. - Nah.Copy !req
268. - So... you're reading.
- Yeah.Copy !req
269. What is it, fashion catalogues?Copy !req
270. No, no. I'm studying
a medical textCopy !req
271. on reptilian,
olfactory function.Copy !req
272. - I'm old, don't mess
with my world. - Oh, no, no, no. Grandma.Copy !req
273. Several of these books
mention one particular flower with enzymesCopy !req
274. so powerful that it can
actually change a dinosaur's body chemistry.Copy !req
275. If I could find that flower,
I might be able to change my scent.Copy !req
276. You're talking about
the McGuffen lily.Copy !req
277. Yes, that's it!
Oh, that's the one! Where is it?Copy !req
278. Well, nobody knows for sure.Copy !req
279. Legend has it
that it grows in a valleyCopy !req
280. on the other side
of the super continent.Copy !req
281. Look, you've got to tell me
how to get there.Copy !req
282. Please. It's the only chance
I've got to change my scent.Copy !req
283. Charlene, sweetheart,
you can't change your scent.Copy !req
284. Fine, fine.Copy !req
285. Then I'll marry Ray,
he'll move in here,Copy !req
286. and you'll have someone
exactly like Dad around all the time.Copy !req
287. Um... I'll draw you a map.Copy !req
288. Let's see...
North by northwest...Copy !req
289. Yeah, OK. Here we go.Copy !req
290. OK...Copy !req
291. OK... Uh...Copy !req
292. OK. OK, if this map is right,Copy !req
293. there should be a whole field of
lilies just beyond these vines.Copy !req
294. All right,
we're about there.Copy !req
295. - Hi there.Copy !req
296. Welcome to Foto-Fast.
Film developing in a flash.Copy !req
297. What are
you doing here?Copy !req
298. I offer the finest in photo
processing with drive-thru convenience, of course.Copy !req
299. What! Drive-thru?
There are no roads out here!Copy !req
300. Sure, now, but when there are,Copy !req
301. you watch everyone start
scrambling for all the good locations.Copy !req
302. - Then we'll see
who's crazy, huh? - Well, maybe you can help me.Copy !req
303. Oh, sure.
You picking up or dropping off?Copy !req
304. No, no. I'm looking
for a special kind of flower.Copy !req
305. The McGuffen lily.Copy !req
306. Uh, beautiful little thing
with golden blossomsCopy !req
307. and a wondrous,
almost mystical, fragrance?Copy !req
308. Yes! Yes! Have you seen it?Copy !req
309. - Sure, the place
was lousy with them. - What?Copy !req
310. That was before we paved
the whole thing over to build the hut.Copy !req
311. There's still some around,
right?Copy !req
312. - You didn't tear them
all up, did you? - Uh, 'fraid so.Copy !req
313. Hey, if you don't want
any pictures developed,Copy !req
314. you got anything
you want laminated?Copy !req
315. - No.
- Uh, film to video transfer?Copy !req
316. No. I needed those flowers.Copy !req
317. - I can make you a key.
- Shut up!Copy !req
318. Oh, boy. I can't believe I came
all this way for nothing!Copy !req
319. Oh, I'd hardly say nothing.Copy !req
320. Bring this coupon next time and
you get free double prints. Eh?Copy !req
321. How am I supposed to
change my scent now?Copy !req
322. Those flowers were
my only hope.Copy !req
323. - Aah, tough break, kid.
- Yeah.Copy !req
324. Say, on your way home,
could you stick some of these flyers on trees?Copy !req
325. - I'm dying out hereCopy !req
326. I still don't understand
how you could let her go off on a dangerous tripCopy !req
327. like that all by herself.
She's only 15!Copy !req
328. - [Earl cheers, guffaws]Copy !req
329. - Oh, beauty!Copy !req
330. I don't know what
I was thinking.Copy !req
331. Well, I can't just
stand here waiting.Copy !req
332. - I'm calling the police.
- Don't bother, I'm back.Copy !req
333. Charlene, thank heavens!
Are you all right?Copy !req
334. - I'm fine.
- Did you find the lilies?Copy !req
335. No. The legendary lilies
were all plowed underCopy !req
336. to make room for a one-hour
photo booth.Copy !req
337. I wish I'd known.
I had film.Copy !req
338. That was such a crazy
thing to do.Copy !req
339. Anything's worth it
to get out of marrying Ray.Copy !req
340. But you can't get out of it.
This is the way nature planned it.Copy !req
341. - This is your destiny.
- Well, I want a different destiny.Copy !req
342. Honey, marriage is not that bad.Copy !req
343. Sure, Ray may seem like
not the best catch in the world,Copy !req
344. but with your help
he can grow and change.Copy !req
345. - Just look at your father.
- Bad example.Copy !req
346. I've been working with him,
shaping him, for 20 yearsCopy !req
347. and with wonderful results.Copy !req
348. Why you can see
he's so much more... more...Copy !req
349. - Fat.
- Mother!Copy !req
350. I'm trying to give her
a reason to live!Copy !req
351. Uh, I found a reason
to live, Ma.Copy !req
352. I... I climbed a mountain.Copy !req
353. I crossed a desert.
I hiked a thousand miles.Copy !req
354. - You climbed a mountain?
- Yep.Copy !req
355. And I discovered
I'm capable of anything.Copy !req
356. And that there's a world
of adventure and challenge out there.Copy !req
357. But now the only adventure
in my life will be discoveringCopy !req
358. new ways to get beer stains
out of Ray's overalls.Copy !req
359. - Rub in a little club soda?
- So Thursday night...Copy !req
360. - Oh, Charlene, you're back.
- Yeah.Copy !req
361. Ray, you are losing it, pal.Copy !req
362. When I was courtin' Frannie,
I could smell her a mile away.Copy !req
363. Depending on the
prevailing winds, of course.Copy !req
364. Smokey, is that you?Copy !req
365. - Yeah, it's me.Copy !req
366. - Whoo-ee, you stink!
- Huh?Copy !req
367. Hey, Ray.
Hey, a word of advice.Copy !req
368. You don't usually talk
to your wife like that until after the wedding.Copy !req
369. Oh, I don't care.
That smell could knock a rat off a road pizza.Copy !req
370. - What?
- You've done something to your scent.Copy !req
371. You go back and hose
yourself off. Get yourself smelling right.Copy !req
372. - Now, go on, girl. Git.
- But... Mom? What does he mean?Copy !req
373. I mean, I don't smell
different, do I?Copy !req
374. - Well, you do to him.
- So...Copy !req
375. Don't you see,
your scent has changed.Copy !req
376. But how could it?
I never found the flowers.Copy !req
377. You tried to find them.Copy !req
378. When everyone said
you couldn't change your scent,Copy !req
379. - you still went out and tried.
- Ohh...Copy !req
380. The old Charlene
would have just given up.Copy !req
381. You've changed,
Charlene. In here.Copy !req
382. - I'm a-waiting.
- Aah... Yeah...Copy !req
383. - I'm sorry, Ray...
- Huh?Copy !req
384. - ... but I'm not going anywhere.
- Oh?Copy !req
385. And I'm not
going to marry you.Copy !req
386. Don't you sass me, girl!Copy !req
387. There's plenty of females
out there'd give their eyeteeth to be with me.Copy !req
388. - Well, then marry one of them.
- Huh?Copy !req
389. You belong with someone
who's missing some teeth.Copy !req
390. All right,
I'm out of here, dadgumit.Copy !req
391. - But you won't forget me, girl.Copy !req
392. Every time you see a shiny,
white toilet staring back at youCopy !req
393. like a polar bear's butt,
you're gonna remember Ray Gherkin, janitor!Copy !req
394. - Oh!
- There! Now, I'm gettin' out of here.Copy !req
395. I'm gonna miss that
colorful dialect.Copy !req
396. Charlene,
are you crazy!Copy !req
397. Letting that gem of a guy
walk out of here?Copy !req
398. You go out there
and apologize to him right now!Copy !req
399. - No, Daddy.
- What did you say?Copy !req
400. I said I'm not
apologizing to Ray.Copy !req
401. And I'm not marrying anyone
until I'm ready.Copy !req
402. - Okeydoke.Copy !req
403. Hey, what happened to Ray?Copy !req
404. He's out there taking
his truck off the blocks.Copy !req
405. - I threw him out.
- Oh, yeah, right.Copy !req
406. I did and I've got news for you.Copy !req
407. I'm not gonna let you
walk all over me anymoreCopy !req
408. with your macho,
teenage male posturing,Copy !req
409. and your pseudo-intellectual,
anti-establishment attitude.Copy !req
410. - What'd you find out there?
A thesaurus? - Ha!Copy !req
411. Look, don't push me, Charlene.
I know your weak spots.Copy !req
412. I could reduce you
to rubble like that.Copy !req
413. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
414. - Take your best shot.
- OK, all right, you asked for it.Copy !req
415. Your sweater.
It's got... a snag.Copy !req
416. It's only clothing.Copy !req
417. Aah!Copy !req