1. Mornin', Fran.Copy !req
2. Good morning, Earl.
I made you pancakes.Copy !req
3. No time for breakfast.
I'm late for work already.Copy !req
4. - You don't have to go to work.
- Huh?Copy !req
5. What?Copy !req
6. You don't have to go to work.Copy !req
7. No, no. Tell me why.Copy !req
8. Because it's... the weekend.Copy !req
9. H-Hey! Isn't it great?Copy !req
10. I love to fool myself that way.
Let's do it again.Copy !req
11. - Earl...
- Morning, Fran.Copy !req
12. Earl, I don't have
time for this.Copy !req
13. I've got a million things
to do this weekend.Copy !req
14. As do I. I've got
a full schedule of vigorous sporting activities.Copy !req
15. Mountain biking, fly fishing,
a little volleyball,Copy !req
16. some cross-country skiing.Copy !req
17. Guess I better get started.Copy !req
18. - Hey!Copy !req
19. Back with more
thrilling mountain bike action.Copy !req
20. Big hill coming up.
I'd better carbo load.Copy !req
21. Bring on the pancakes.Copy !req
22. - Good morning, everyone.
- Morning.Copy !req
23. Mother, look at you!
That dress is beautiful.Copy !req
24. Don't you think
she looks lovely, Earl?Copy !req
25. Oh, yeah, very lifelike.Copy !req
26. I'm gonna ignore thatCopy !req
27. because this day
is a very special day for me,Copy !req
28. and no one can dampen
my effervescent spirits,Copy !req
29. not even you,
you walking garbage heap.Copy !req
30. Oh, special day, Ethyl?Copy !req
31. What is it, got your teeth
in on the first try?Copy !req
32. Today Mother is going to her
60th high school reunion.Copy !req
33. And the best part of it isCopy !req
34. it's a whole weekend away
from you, fat boy.Copy !req
35. Oh, I can top that.Copy !req
36. It's a whole weekend
away from you.Copy !req
37. - So how you gettin' there?Copy !req
38. They calling you a cab
or sending you a hearse?Copy !req
39. Actually, Earl, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.Copy !req
40. Mother's reunion
is too far away for a cab,Copy !req
41. and I have so much to do today
I can't possibly take her.Copy !req
42. And since you have
the whole weekend free,Copy !req
43. I thought you could.Copy !req
44. Oh, no! Absolutely not!Copy !req
45. No way on Earth
and that is final!Copy !req
46. - Ah.Copy !req
47. Uh-oh.Copy !req
48. - It's too fast.
- Ow!Copy !req
49. You're driving too fast.Copy !req
50. - I don't like it
when it's too fast. -Copy !req
51. Would you let me get out
of the driveway? Jeez!Copy !req
52. Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
53. Aaah!Copy !req
54. - Ohh!
- Ow!Copy !req
55. - Ow!
- Ooh!Copy !req
56. Aah!Copy !req
57. - Uh...Copy !req
58. Are you sure this is wise, Mom?Copy !req
59. I mean, Dad and Grandma
in an enclosed space together for six hours.Copy !req
60. From a ventilation standpoint
that could get nasty.Copy !req
61. I'm sure they'll be fine.
We have important things to do today.Copy !req
62. That's right. Mindy and I
are going rollerblading at the beach.Copy !req
63. I got to go to the
junior class car wash.Copy !req
64. I've got to crawl
around on the floorCopy !req
65. and look for things
to put in my mouth.Copy !req
66. - See ya. Gotta go.
- See ya.Copy !req
67. - Hold it!
- Huh?Copy !req
68. Nobody's going anywhere.Copy !req
69. I got your father out of the
house for a specific reason.Copy !req
70. We're gonna move
and not tell him?Copy !req
71. No. His birthday's
coming up next month.Copy !req
72. I thought it would be nice
to give him a photo portraitCopy !req
73. of his loving family
as a surprise present.Copy !req
74. - Yay, presents!Copy !req
75. What do I get?Copy !req
76. You all get the satisfaction
that comesCopy !req
77. with doing something
special for your father.Copy !req
78. - You're kidding, right?Copy !req
79. No. We need to get ready. The
photographer will be here soon.Copy !req
80. Forget it, Mom. There's a new
lifeguard at the beach.Copy !req
81. Mindy and I have to skate by
and hide and giggle.Copy !req
82. I don't see how
we can get out of it.Copy !req
83. And I gotta go
to that car wash.Copy !req
84. They put me in charge
of accidentally spillingCopy !req
85. sudsy water
on the girls.Copy !req
86. - Quite an honor.
- Darn right.Copy !req
87. Too bad. After all your father
has done for us,Copy !req
88. a simple family portrait
is the least we can do.Copy !req
89. No, Mom,
I'm sure we can do less.Copy !req
90. Yeah.
There's always nothing.Copy !req
91. We're going to do this.Copy !req
92. Now I want you to march
right upstairsCopy !req
93. and put on
your dressy clothes.Copy !req
94. No,
not the wool blazer!Copy !req
95. Not the dorky blouse
with the poofy sleeves!Copy !req
96. Not the sailor suit!Copy !req
97. Aaaaaah!Copy !req
98. I'm not gonna make it.Copy !req
99. - And that's the end
of that number. -Copy !req
100. - Hey, there's more.
- No, there's not.Copy !req
101. - Yes, there is.
- Radio's broken.Copy !req
102. - No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
103. - No, it isn't. What?Copy !req
104. And if you don't keep
your yap shut you'll be next out the window.Copy !req
105. - Oh, yeah?
- Ow! Aah!Copy !req
106. Oh, you old bat!
Give me that cane!Copy !req
107. How dare you raise your arm
to a defenseless old lady?Copy !req
108. Watch where you're going!Copy !req
109. - Oh, that was too close, too close.Copy !req
110. You idiot! Are you drunk?Copy !req
111. - That's it.Copy !req
112. OK, Ethyl,Copy !req
113. we are gonna be in this car
together for a long time.Copy !req
114. So I think the sensible
thing for us to doCopy !req
115. is to clear the air.Copy !req
116. - I hate you.
- What?Copy !req
117. I hate being related to you,Copy !req
118. and I hate having
to drive you to your ghoulish, horrible reunion.Copy !req
119. Well,
I didn't ask you to drive.Copy !req
120. The only reason
I'm willing to sit hereCopy !req
121. and stare at the back of your
fat head for eight hoursCopy !req
122. is 'cause this reunion's
important to me.Copy !req
123. These are my oldest
and dearest friends.Copy !req
124. Hah! They're my real family.Copy !req
125. They're the ones
that care about me.Copy !req
126. Oh, yeah? Then why don't you
go live with them?Copy !req
127. I might!Copy !req
128. My old girlfriends Dorothy,
Rose and BlancheCopy !req
129. been begging me for years
to come move in with 'em,Copy !req
130. and I'm about ready
to do it.Copy !req
131. Whoa! Well, let's get you
there as soon as we can.Copy !req
132. Oh, to think
I could be driving home tonight by myself.Copy !req
133. - Shut up.
- You shut up.Copy !req
134. - I'm not listening,
I'm not listening. -Copy !req
135. I'm not listening.Copy !req
136. We have a number of photographic
backgrounds available.Copy !req
137. This one is very popular:
The county fair.Copy !req
138. Voilà!Copy !req
139. - Ah.
- I see.Copy !req
140. Isn't it a little busy?Copy !req
141. Wanna eat cotton candy,
wanna go on rides, wanna throw up.Copy !req
142. - What an adorable little moppet.Copy !req
143. Here, sonny.
Don't eat it. It's a prop.Copy !req
144. Yummy! Gimme more props!Copy !req
145. Oh, my.Copy !req
146. - Oh, there they are.Copy !req
147. Don't you look
so grown-up.Copy !req
148. Mom, I'm dressed
like a four-year-old.Copy !req
149. - I think this jacket's
gotten small. - Oh, it's fine.Copy !req
150. You look very handsome.Copy !req
151. I'm losing the feeling
in my fingers.Copy !req
152. OK, now, this is the proper
setting for the Sinclair family:Copy !req
153. A day at the beach.Copy !req
154. - Huh?
- Ha ha!Copy !req
155. Better use your sunscreen.Copy !req
156. - Well, I'm not sure.
- Oh, it's going to be perfect.Copy !req
157. - OK, now.
- You wanted to go to the beach.Copy !req
158. Ah... ah... Yes!Copy !req
159. Now that's a portrait.Copy !req
160. Uh, excuse me, but why
am I wearing a wool jacket at the beach?Copy !req
161. Look, I don't see why
we have to do this stupid family portrait anyway.Copy !req
162. We're doing it to show
your father how much we love each other.Copy !req
163. You mean the tremendous
love we have for each other in general?Copy !req
164. - Yeesh.
- Or the overwhelming affectionCopy !req
165. we feel for each other
right now?Copy !req
166. Just shut up and
let's get this over with.Copy !req
167. - You shut up, blazer boy!
- I'm hungry!Copy !req
168. OK, we're very close.
Hold still, everybody,Copy !req
169. and say "cheese."Copy !req
170. Oh, cheese.
I want cheese now!Copy !req
171. - Excuse me, that's for me.Copy !req
172. - Come back here.
- Come on! Give me cheese now!Copy !req
173. - You go get it!
- Get it yourself.Copy !req
174. Ow!Copy !req
175. - Give me that shovel!
- Robbie, stop that!Copy !req
176. - He hit me right in the face.
- It was for you, Robbie. Some girl.Copy !req
177. - I told her you were
at the beach. - You what?Copy !req
178. I told you you should've
turned off five miles back.Copy !req
179. - Now we're lost.
- We are not lost.Copy !req
180. According to this map,Copy !req
181. we've wandered completely
out of known civilization.Copy !req
182. We've passed the mysterious
gorge, and the river of blood,Copy !req
183. and now we're deep
in the heart of...Copy !req
184. the valley of the roosters.Copy !req
185. What?Copy !req
186. Your eyes are shot.
Let me see that map.Copy !req
187. Oh, here we are, and it's not
"valley of the roosters."Copy !req
188. It's valley of the monsters.
Monsters.Copy !req
189. Oh.Copy !req
190. See any, uh, roosters out there?Copy !req
191. No.Copy !req
192. Just a inky, dark, terrifying
void.Copy !req
193. - Maybe we should turn around.
- Good idea.Copy !req
194. - Yeah.Copy !req
195. - Uh...Copy !req
196. Uh... cock-a-doodle-doo?Copy !req
197. - Ethyl, this is
a tough situation, - Yeah.Copy !req
198. but we can get through it if we
stay calm and work together.Copy !req
199. - Take her!
- Aah! Take him!Copy !req
200. There's more meat.Copy !req
201. He wants you to roll down
the window.Copy !req
202. Are you nuts?
He'll tear us to pieces.Copy !req
203. Just don't touch that window!Copy !req
204. Aaah!Copy !req
205. - Howdy.
- Aaah!Copy !req
206. Hi.Copy !req
207. Jeez. What's his problem?Copy !req
208. - Don't get me started.Copy !req
209. You folks lost?
Need directions?Copy !req
210. Yeah. We seem to have
wandered off the interstate.Copy !req
211. We're looking for highway seven.Copy !req
212. Oh. Well, you're way off.Copy !req
213. Now that's about 14 miles back.Copy !req
214. Let's see, now,
the best way for you is, uh...Copy !req
215. Oh, head back
the way you came from,Copy !req
216. and then turn right
at the Waffle House,Copy !req
217. then go left at the third light.
Uh, you can't miss it.Copy !req
218. - Oh. Thank you.
- No problem, ma'am.Copy !req
219. - Um...Copy !req
220. - He gonna be OK?
- Yeah, just a little carsick.Copy !req
221. All right.
Y'all drive safely now.Copy !req
222. - Such a nice young fellow.Copy !req
223. - So polite.Copy !req
224. - Earl, you OK?Copy !req
225. Earl? Wake up.Copy !req
226. Aaah!Copy !req
227. There's a Waffle House?Copy !req
228. - Yeah, you're OK. Let's go.Copy !req
229. Mom,
this makes no sense.Copy !req
230. How come I'm wearing my stupid
blue blazer to go skiing?Copy !req
231. I want to go back
to the beach.Copy !req
232. Would everyone stand in the
position they're supposed to?Copy !req
233. Why do I have stand
next to him?Copy !req
234. You can have my spot
next to diaper boy.Copy !req
235. The crisp mountain breeze
is getting kind of ripe.Copy !req
236. - Want cheese fondue!
- Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
237. I want all of you
to stop complaining, stand still and smile.Copy !req
238. - Why?
- Because I said so!Copy !req
239. - Oh, there's a good reason.
- "Because I said so."Copy !req
240. Come on, Mom, these dopey
backdrops and stupid skis?Copy !req
241. This whole thing's a joke.Copy !req
242. Happy family,
that's the joke!Copy !req
243. I was just trying to do
something nice for your father's birthday.Copy !req
244. - Is that so horrible?Copy !req
245. Oh, I'm sorry.
I've heard enough.Copy !req
246. It's obvious there are a lot
of thorny family issuesCopy !req
247. keeping you guys
from being close.Copy !req
248. At least, close enough
for a good family picture.Copy !req
249. Now I think the best
thing to do,Copy !req
250. if we even stand a chance
of getting a decent glossy print,Copy !req
251. is for us all to sit down
and talk this thing through.Copy !req
252. - Why listen to you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
253. Because, in addition to beingCopy !req
254. a professionally-trained
family photographer,Copy !req
255. I am also a licensed
family therapist.Copy !req
256. - Huh?
- Huh?Copy !req
257. There. Now,
who wants to share?Copy !req
258. Ah. Can't this old junker
go any faster?Copy !req
259. Yeah, if I threw you out.Copy !req
260. Well, we wouldn't be late
like this if you hadn't gotten us lost.Copy !req
261. You had the map.Copy !req
262. This is all your fault.Copy !req
263. I'm gonna miss the reunion,
I'm gonna miss seeing all my friends.Copy !req
264. We're not gonna miss anything.
I'm going 90.Copy !req
265. Fifty-five, 56 maybe.Copy !req
266. You were doing
96 miles an hour, sir.Copy !req
267. Wow. Did you hear that, Ethyl?Copy !req
268. Ninety-six.
Pretty fast for a junker.Copy !req
269. - Hmm.Copy !req
270. I mean, too fast,Copy !req
271. and... and certainly
not a safe speedCopy !req
272. if it weren't for the
extenuating circumstances.Copy !req
273. Which are?Copy !req
274. I'm taking the mother-in-law
to the hospital.Copy !req
275. Hmm?Copy !req
276. The mental hospital.Copy !req
277. She's dangerously insane.Copy !req
278. Yeah?Copy !req
279. Uh, uh...Copy !req
280. Doesn't look dangerously
insane to me, sir.Copy !req
281. - Don't lie to the officer, Earl.Copy !req
282. We both know that...Copy !req
283. I'm pregnant,
about to give birth to triplets.Copy !req
284. Three beautiful bowling balls,
all girls.Copy !req
285. - Oh, my God!
- Uh, some days are worse than others.Copy !req
286. - Well, I better get
on to the hospital. -Copy !req
287. - Let me give you an escort.
- No, no, no. No need.Copy !req
288. Merry Christmas,
Mr. President. Hah!Copy !req
289. See ya on Mars.Copy !req
290. - Hurry.Copy !req
291. - Whoa, Ethyl, you are good.Copy !req
292. Hey, I know how
to handle the fuzz.Copy !req
293. Yeah, we're quite a team, Ethyl.Copy !req
294. No, you're a team
all by yourself, fat boy.Copy !req
295. Huh?Copy !req
296. Oh, hey, I see our exit.
You better start touching up your makeup.Copy !req
297. You better drive around the
block. This could take awhile.Copy !req
298. It's just that you complain
we're not responsible,Copy !req
299. but then you don't trust us
with responsibility.Copy !req
300. Ah, very assertive,
Charlene. Fran.Copy !req
301. Well, I guess I got used
to you being little kids,Copy !req
302. and I'm having trouble accepting
you as independent young adults.Copy !req
303. Oh, I think Fran has looked
into the mirror of herselfCopy !req
304. and has seen something
that isn't so pretty.Copy !req
305. She's too controlling.
I want to wear a dress!Copy !req
306. Let's all role play,Copy !req
307. and see how Fran might have
presented the idea of a portraitCopy !req
308. in a more family-centric way.
Charlene, you play Fran.Copy !req
309. - Robbie will play Charlene.
- OK.Copy !req
310. - And I'll be the cheese.Copy !req
311. Jeez, after all that looks like
we're the first ones here.Copy !req
312. - Oh, I'm so excited.
- Mmm, yeah.Copy !req
313. How do I look?Copy !req
314. Huh? Um, well, uh...Copy !req
315. As beautiful as you could, uh,Copy !req
316. reasonably be expected
to be, uh,Copy !req
317. - considering that...
As we know... - You're too kind.Copy !req
318. - Thank you.
- Hey there, class of '62er.Copy !req
319. I'm Barry Maloney with
the Happy Reunions Company,Copy !req
320. and we're the organizers
of your gala evening tonight.Copy !req
321. So let's just get you and
your husband all checked in.Copy !req
322. He's not my husband.Copy !req
323. Ah, I understand. Judge not.Copy !req
324. Obviously whatever you're doing
is working for you.Copy !req
325. Name?Copy !req
326. Ethyl Phillips... Ooh!Copy !req
327. I mean, Ethyl Hinkelman,Copy !req
328. as I was known
before I got married.Copy !req
329. OK, let's just check
the old listaroo here.Copy !req
330. Hinkelman, Hinkelman...
Ah, here you are.Copy !req
331. OK, now let's
stepedy-dep over here,Copy !req
332. find your nametag, then you
can just hit that buffet.Copy !req
333. - Ah.
- All righty? This way.Copy !req
334. - Uh... um...Copy !req
335. Why am I the only nametag here?
Where are all my friends?Copy !req
336. Well, let's just have
a little look-see, OK?Copy !req
337. Uh-huh, mm-hmm.Copy !req
338. Uh-huh, uh-huh...Copy !req
339. They're all dead. -Copy !req
340. Yep. According to my records
you are the only surviving memberCopy !req
341. of the class of '62.Copy !req
342. Hey, look on the bright side,
no wait at the buffet.Copy !req
343. But what about my friends
Dorothy, Rose and Blanche?Copy !req
344. They were my best friends.Copy !req
345. We were gonna live together.Copy !req
346. Hey, am I crazy...Copy !req
347. or wasn't this supposed
to be a party, huh?Copy !req
348. So let's get this reunion
in gear, huh? OK.Copy !req
349. They're all gone.Copy !req
350. Now I'm completely alone
in the world.Copy !req
351. Uh... Listen, Ethyl,Copy !req
352. I'm sorry about
your friends and all.Copy !req
353. Uh, do you want me to get you
a drink of punch or something?Copy !req
354. No. Just take me home.Copy !req
355. OK, folks,
it's awards time.Copy !req
356. The classmate who has
traveled the farthest:Copy !req
357. Ethyl Hinkelman! Give her
a round of applause. Beautiful.Copy !req
358. Classmate who has traveled
the least: Ethyl Hinkelman.Copy !req
359. Gained the most weight:
Ethyl Hinkelman!Copy !req
360. OK, good.Copy !req
361. Now this could work.
Everybody, eyes forward.Copy !req
362. Lick your lips. Let's have
a nice big smile,Copy !req
363. - and...Copy !req
364. We're home.Copy !req
365. Earl, what are you doing
back home so soon?Copy !req
366. - The reunion
sort of died early... -Copy !req
367. uh, to use an expression.Copy !req
368. Fran, what's going on here?Copy !req
369. Oh, it was supposed to be
a surprise for Earl's birthday.Copy !req
370. We wanted to give you
a portrait of your family.Copy !req
371. How are you doing?Copy !req
372. - What?
- My family?Copy !req
373. But, uh...Copy !req
374. This isn't a picture
of my whole family.Copy !req
375. - It's not?
- Hmm?Copy !req
376. Because there's a member
of my familyCopy !req
377. very important to me
who's not in this picture.Copy !req
378. - What?
- Aunt Pearl lives awfully far away.Copy !req
379. - It's not Aunt Pearl.
- Cousin Gus is dead.Copy !req
380. - So is Grandpa Louie.
- We don't have a pet.Copy !req
381. - Maybe he means the TV.
- It's me. He's talkin' about me, fools.Copy !req
382. I'm an important
member of the family.Copy !req
383. I'm beloved.Copy !req
384. Right, fat boy?Copy !req
385. Hey, Mom,
we're friends now.Copy !req
386. I'm trying
to be nice to you.Copy !req
387. You want to be nice?
Stand still.Copy !req
388. Ow! Jeez!Copy !req
389. Hitting you is the only
joy left in my life.Copy !req
390. Don't deny an old lady
a simple pleasure.Copy !req
391. - Oww!Copy !req
392. This is so sweet, seeing
you two getting along like this.Copy !req
393. - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, very heartwarming.Copy !req
394. Will you hurry up
and take the picture?Copy !req
395. OK, everybody. Smile.Copy !req
396. You too, Grandma.
Big smile, come on.Copy !req
397. Jeez, Ethyl, I think
you broke a rib.Copy !req
398. Hey-hey! Now I'm smiling.Copy !req