1. And now,
back to Captain Action Figure and his paramilitary pals.Copy !req
2. Yay!Copy !req
3. - Oh, Tommy, we're lost.Copy !req
4. Oh, no!
I'd better contact Captain Action FigureCopy !req
5. with my special
signal ring, made with action plasticCopy !req
6. - for high impact fun.
- Whoa!Copy !req
7. I'm here, Timmy.Copy !req
8. Lucky for you, you had
your Captain Action Figure signal ring.Copy !req
9. Gosh, Captain,
how can I get one of these rings?Copy !req
10. Your mommy will buy it
for you, Tommy...Copy !req
11. if she loves you.Copy !req
12. - Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
13. Do you love me?Copy !req
14. Honey, I love you so much
I couldn't possibly express itCopy !req
15. simply by buying you
a signal ring.Copy !req
16. - Good save, Mom.Copy !req
17. I've learned
a thing or two.Copy !req
18. Daddy's home!
And there's exciting news.Copy !req
19. You'll never guess what
coveted and prestigious promotion I got today.Copy !req
20. - Toxic waste supervisor?
- Wow! You're good.Copy !req
21. Hey, what gave it away?
It was the "coveted" part, wasn't it?Copy !req
22. - Yeah.
- Earl, that's great news. Do you get a raise?Copy !req
23. No, but I get this
complementary smock and two free chest X-rays a year.Copy !req
24. - Well, we're all
very proud of you. - Yeah.Copy !req
25. - You think Jeff
and Moshe can come? - Charlene? Robbie?Copy !req
26. Surely, you can muster
a little enthusiasmCopy !req
27. for your father's
wonderful news.Copy !req
28. No, no, Fran.
They're teenagers.Copy !req
29. We have to look at them
a little differently.Copy !req
30. They're dead to us.Copy !req
31. But... this one.
He's still young. And there's still hope.Copy !req
32. And I believe now that
I've ascended to a lofty position in the business world,Copy !req
33. he'll have
a newfound respect.Copy !req
34. Shut up! And move!Copy !req
35. Isn't that cute?Copy !req
36. Of course, a promotion's
a big concept for him.Copy !req
37. And his little mind
can't absorb it all.Copy !req
38. Daddy got a new job.Copy !req
39. Can't see the TV!Copy !req
40. Forget it, Dad.
His favorite show's on.Copy !req
41. Not anymore.Copy !req
42. - Uh...Copy !req
43. Wanna see
Captain Action Figure!Copy !req
44. What's the big deal
with this Captain Action guy?Copy !req
45. He's my hero.Copy !req
46. And just what does
he have that I don't?Copy !req
47. A TV show!Copy !req
48. Turn it back on!Copy !req
49. Well, I got this smock.Copy !req
50. What do you think of that?Copy !req
51. Yuck.Copy !req
52. Boy, I got
a lot of fond memories of this park.Copy !req
53. This is right
where I taught Charlene and Robbie how to swim.Copy !req
54. - Yeah.Copy !req
55. - Oh, well.Copy !req
56. Yeah.
So, I bet the youngstersCopy !req
57. were pretty darn impressed
with the new job and all.Copy !req
58. Oh. Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.Copy !req
59. Of course, the baby
didn't quite grasp the complexitiesCopy !req
60. of a career leap
of this magnitude.Copy !req
61. That's why I made
this neat hat.Copy !req
62. - There.
- Hey!Copy !req
63. Hey!
A little ostentatious.Copy !req
64. Hey, before you get
their respect, you gotta get their attention.Copy !req
65. - Yeah.
- Whoop.Copy !req
66. - Huh?
- There. Besides,Copy !req
67. this is better than anything
Captain Action Figure has.Copy !req
68. I don't know, pally-boy.Copy !req
69. Seems to me the love and
respect of your child is cheapened somehowCopy !req
70. if it's based entirely
upon a hat.Copy !req
71. - Even a really great hat?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.Copy !req
72. Your children
should love you for who you are.Copy !req
73. - Roy, you're right!
- Yeah.Copy !req
74. Uh...
But who am I to say?Copy !req
75. I don't have
any children.Copy !req
76. - My hat!
- Huh?Copy !req
77. - Yep. There he goes.Copy !req
78. Hey! Pally-boy!Copy !req
79. You know, for a big fella,
you're kind of elegant in the water.Copy !req
80. - I got it! I got the hat!
- Hey.Copy !req
81. - Got the hat.
- Hey.Copy !req
82. Um, Earl, uh... Hey.Copy !req
83. - Earl, you're glowing.
- Thanks. I'm pretty proud of myself.Copy !req
84. No, that's...
That's not what I meant.Copy !req
85. - Uh...Copy !req
86. Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
87. Aaah!Copy !req
88. - Ohh!
- Ow!Copy !req
89. - Ow!
- Ooh!Copy !req
90. Ahh!Copy !req
91. So, what do you think
this could be?Copy !req
92. Well, maybe you're
allergic to something in the toxic waste.Copy !req
93. - Oh! Hey, look, it's fading.
- Oh. Kind of a shame.Copy !req
94. It really brought out
the color in your eyes.Copy !req
95. Roy, I feel kind of funny.Copy !req
96. - Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
97. Whoa!Copy !req
98. Earl? Uh...Copy !req
99. Hey, you're flying!Copy !req
100. Oh, my gosh, you're right!
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!Copy !req
101. Hey. We've been friends
20 years, pally-boy.Copy !req
102. You never told me
you could fly.Copy !req
103. This is the first time
it's ever hap...Copy !req
104. pened!Copy !req
105. - Whoa!
- I swear.Copy !req
106. Don't make it worse
with a lie.Copy !req
107. Hey, let's
stay focused, Roy.Copy !req
108. I was flying!Copy !req
109. Holy... Did you ever
see anything like that happen before?Copy !req
110. Well, not in real life.Copy !req
111. But, in comic books,
spontaneous flight is fairly commonplace.Copy !req
112. For superheroes,
that is.Copy !req
113. Hey,
what if the toxic wasteCopy !req
114. somehow gave you
a vast arsenal of superpowers?Copy !req
115. Why, flying could be
just the beginning!Copy !req
116. - You mean there's more?
- Let's find out. Tell me,Copy !req
117. what do you see
in my change purse?Copy !req
118. I see a guy with
a blurred definition of masculinity.Copy !req
119. - No... I mean
inside the purse. - Oh.Copy !req
120. I wanna check out
if you have X-ray vision.Copy !req
121. Oh, right! Um...Copy !req
122. Jeez!Copy !req
123. I said X-ray vision,
not heat vision.Copy !req
124. Hey, I'm new at this.Copy !req
125. Yeah, well, thanks a lot
for burnin' my lunch money.Copy !req
126. Well, to tell you the truth,
Roy, you could stand to miss a few lunches.Copy !req
127. What are you up to now,
24,716 pounds?Copy !req
128. - Well,
with my clothes on, yeah. -Copy !req
129. Wow!
What an astonishing array of powers!Copy !req
130. Flying, heat vision,
and guessing weight to within a pound!Copy !req
131. - Yeah.
- Do you know what this means?Copy !req
132. I'm gonna win
a lot of bar bets.Copy !req
133. No! You're a superhero.Copy !req
134. And that means you gotta
use your superpowersCopy !req
135. to fight evil
wherever it might rear its diabolical head.Copy !req
136. - You think?
- Sure.Copy !req
137. In nearly every
classic comic book,Copy !req
138. the guy with the powers
dons a cape and tights,Copy !req
139. and, using
a secret identity,Copy !req
140. battles for truth,
justice,Copy !req
141. and the Pangaean way.Copy !req
142. Oh, boy! Hey,
wait till the baby gets a load of these powers.Copy !req
143. He'll forget all about that
Captain Action Figure guy.Copy !req
144. Doesn't even have
heat vision.Copy !req
145. The big weenie.Copy !req
146. No! You can never reveal
your secret identityCopy !req
147. to the baby
or anyone else.Copy !req
148. To do otherwise would be
to place your loved ones in jeopardy.Copy !req
149. No, they must never know
the real identity of...Copy !req
150. Hey.Copy !req
151. You need a snappy
new superhero name.Copy !req
152. Whatever it is,
it's got to be something to impress the baby.Copy !req
153. How about
Captain Impressive?Copy !req
154. - Bingo!
- Aha!Copy !req
155. - Ha ha!
- Rats!Copy !req
156. Captain Impressive
appeared from nowhere, saving thousands of lives.Copy !req
157. - Wow!
- Cool.Copy !req
158. But the question remains.Copy !req
159. Who is this caped marvel?
This heat-vision hero?Copy !req
160. This weight-guessing
wonder?Copy !req
161. Who is Captain Impressive?Copy !req
162. Well, he's a superhero,
so he was probably born on a distant planetCopy !req
163. to a race of highly
intelligent creatures.Copy !req
164. Well, I heard that he lives
at the bottom of the sea in a domed kingdomCopy !req
165. - made entirely of diamonds,Copy !req
166. - and big pearls.
- Really? Where'd you hear that?Copy !req
167. - I have sources.
- Hi, honey, I'm home.Copy !req
168. Earl, you're over
an hour late for dinner. Why didn't you call?Copy !req
169. Well, excuse me!
But it just so happens I was out saving the whole...Copy !req
170. Hmm?Copy !req
171. Uh...
The whole 20 cents by not calling.Copy !req
172. It adds up, you know.Copy !req
173. So, uh, you guys
catch that Captain what's-his-name on TV?Copy !req
174. - Oh, yeah.
- Captain Impressive!Copy !req
175. Yeah, he's all over
the news.Copy !req
176. Hey, Dad, did you see him?
He caught a meteor in his bare hands.Copy !req
177. Yeah. Pretty brave stuff.
Quite the hero, I'd say.Copy !req
178. - He's my favorite!
- Really?Copy !req
179. You like him more
than TV's famous Captain Action Figure?Copy !req
180. - Way more!
- Oh.Copy !req
181. I, uh...
I bet you'd like to meet him.Copy !req
182. - Uh-huh!
- You know,Copy !req
183. - you may already
have met him. - Huh?Copy !req
184. - What?
- Hmm?Copy !req
185. Hmm?Copy !req
186. Um...Copy !req
187. in the sense
that we all have met him.Copy !req
188. Um, watching TV,
because, uh,Copy !req
189. television is such
an intimate medium.Copy !req
190. - Oh.Copy !req
191. So, you stopped evil
in its tracks, saved the planet...Copy !req
192. Oh, thanks, by the way.Copy !req
193. and the baby's
got a new hero.Copy !req
194. Yep! Hey,
being a superhero is none too shabby.Copy !req
195. I only wish I could
take a shower.Copy !req
196. Fran's beginning to complain
that I smell a little ripe.Copy !req
197. Oh, no, no.
You must never bathe.Copy !req
198. The sticky chemical coating
that envelops your bodyCopy !req
199. is the key
to your superpowers.Copy !req
200. Should you ever shower,
you risk losing them entirely.Copy !req
201. - Well, I can't
take that chance. - No.Copy !req
202. The baby's finally
beginning to look up to me.Copy !req
203. And the world's
depending on you.Copy !req
204. In the eternal struggle
against evil,Copy !req
205. your powers
are a sacred gift and a precious resource.Copy !req
206. Would you toast this
cheese sandwich for me?Copy !req
207. - Oh, sure.
- Yeah.Copy !req
208. Well, well.Copy !req
209. Sinclair! In here, now!Copy !req
210. - Hey! Come on.
- Ooh! Oh! Oh!Copy !req
211. Uh... Uh...Copy !req
212. Do you think he knows?Copy !req
213. - Well, well, Sinclair.Copy !req
214. It looks like you've been
holding out on me.Copy !req
215. Uh, what could you
possibly be referring to, sir?Copy !req
216. Oh, nothing.Copy !req
217. So, care for a cigar,
Captain Impressive?Copy !req
218. - Whoa! Don't mind if I do.
- Ah!Copy !req
219. - Oh, phoo!Copy !req
220. Well, I guess super
intelligence isn't a part of the package, huh?Copy !req
221. Please,
don't tell anybody, sir.Copy !req
222. Oh, no need to, Sinclair.
It'll be our little secret, OK?Copy !req
223. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
224. That's quite an array
of superpowers you have there.Copy !req
225. They could be
very useful to a sinisterCopy !req
226. multinational conglomerate
such as this.Copy !req
227. Uh... Sorry, sir,Copy !req
228. but I'm duty-bound
to fight the forces of evil.Copy !req
229. As far as I can tell,
you're evil, so...Copy !req
230. - I'll be on my way.
- Not so fast, Captain Imbecile.Copy !req
231. This is your
tree pusher contractCopy !req
232. you signed when you came
to work for us.Copy !req
233. Do you know what it says?Copy !req
234. I know what it weighs.Copy !req
235. Page 23, paragraph seven,
sub-section D.Copy !req
236. "Should you at any time
obtain supernatural powers of any sort,Copy !req
237. all activity and proceeds
arising from said powers,Copy !req
238. shall be under the complete
and exclusive controlCopy !req
239. of the Wesayso...
Corporation."Copy !req
240. You said I didn't have
to read that.Copy !req
241. Your days
of upholding the lawCopy !req
242. and fighting for truth
and justice are over!Copy !req
243. You're a corporate guy now.Copy !req
244. You want me to use
my superpowers to help Wesayso?Copy !req
245. You got no choice.
We got you legally.Copy !req
246. But, I can still
get to save lives and help those in trouble?Copy !req
247. Oh, absolutely!Copy !req
248. We encourage
that sort of thing.Copy !req
249. Just as soon
as you've completed your official duties.Copy !req
250. Stealing over 300,000,Copy !req
251. making that the third
bank robbery today,Copy !req
252. and part of the recent
crime spree that has plagued our fair city.Copy !req
253. In a related story, the new
Wesayso Mall of Pangaea opened this afternoonCopy !req
254. with a festive
ribbon-cutting ceremony.Copy !req
255. Doing the honors was
Captain Impressive.Copy !req
256. Yay!Copy !req
257. Captain Impressive,
how do you justifyCopy !req
258. standing around at a mall
opening while the city is ravaged by crime?Copy !req
259. Uh... because
it would be a crime to miss these values.Copy !req
260. Come on down!Copy !req
261. Well, I guess everybody's
got their price.Copy !req
262. Now, now, let's not
jump to conclusions.Copy !req
263. He may have superpowers,
but he also has a wife and kids and bills to pay.Copy !req
264. - Hmm?
- Huh?Copy !req
265. Um... I'm assuming.Copy !req
266. Besides, you know
what they pay for stopping a meteor from hitting Earth?Copy !req
267. Let me tell you. Zippo.Copy !req
268. Oh, come on, Dad.
He sold out.Copy !req
269. There's no law that says
a superhero can't be a champion of commerceCopy !req
270. and endorse worthwhile
products that enhance the quality of life.Copy !req
271. Yeah, right.Copy !req
272. Yes, Captain Impressive
fights a never-ending battleCopy !req
273. for flavor, freshness,
and big meaty taste.Copy !req
274. Wesayso Beefsticks.
They're chew-riffic!Copy !req
275. He's a flying billboard.Copy !req
276. He's my hero!Copy !req
277. Yay, Captain Impressive!Copy !req
278. Yeah, you see that?
Kids need to have heroes.Copy !req
279. Yes, Earl,
but what kind of heroes?Copy !req
280. Want beefsticks!
They're chew-riffic!Copy !req
281. See, he's...
teaching kids about nutrition.Copy !req
282. Those things are chock-full
of nutritious...Copy !req
283. - ... chemicals.
- I don't know, Dad.Copy !req
284. It seems like he used
to stand for something,Copy !req
285. but now he's at the beck
and call of a big greedy corporation.Copy !req
286. Why, that's nonsense, son.Copy !req
287. - Oh!Copy !req
288. Excuse me.Copy !req
289. Ha!Copy !req
290. I saw your signal in the sky.
You wanted to see me, sir?Copy !req
291. Indeed I did,
Captain Flunky!Copy !req
292. Research indicates
that while you are, uh,Copy !req
293. somewhat admired
by adults 18 to 49,Copy !req
294. - you're rated
as god-like... -Copy !req
295. - ... by children
two to eleven. - Yeah.Copy !req
296. Children with significant
purchasing power.Copy !req
297. This superhero thing
could be a real cash cow.Copy !req
298. And I intend to milk it
with both hands.Copy !req
299. What are you
talking about, sir?Copy !req
300. I'm talking about
a brand-new TV showCopy !req
301. that'll draw those
adoring little totsCopy !req
302. like rats to cheese.Copy !req
303. The Captain Impressive
Action Fun Hour!Copy !req
304. - My own TV show?
- Yeah.Copy !req
305. Oh, wow! Hey, hey,
I could set a good example to the kids.Copy !req
306. Sing songs about right and
wrong, teach them the four basic food groups...Copy !req
307. Oh, don't be stupid!
This ain't public television!Copy !req
308. You're gonna sit there
and sell those toys!Copy !req
309. Hmm? Oh.Copy !req
310. Oh! Hey, neat!
It's me!Copy !req
311. Hi, I'm Captain Impressive!Copy !req
312. And I want you to eat
all of your fruits and...Copy !req
313. Um, Mr. Richfield,
I think this one's defective.Copy !req
314. No, they're all like that.Copy !req
315. - But is that safe for children?
- Sure, it is!Copy !req
316. A kid can have fun
with the doll, and afterwards...Copy !req
317. clean fish.Copy !req
318. Oh.Copy !req
319. Whoa!
Now these are great!Copy !req
320. Captain Impressive
Pajamas.Copy !req
321. Uh... Oh, wait a sec.Copy !req
322. Are these flame retardant?Copy !req
323. Uh, they're flame resistant.Copy !req
324. Uh... They're made out
of newspaper.Copy !req
325. They just don't resist
very long.Copy !req
326. - Mr. Richfield...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
327. I believe all the items
you plan on selling to the childrenCopy !req
328. are shoddy and dangerous.Copy !req
329. Oh, no. You're
exaggerating, Sinclair.Copy !req
330. Everything's dangerous
if it's not used properly.Copy !req
331. The Captain Impressive
Trachea Plug, sir?Copy !req
332. That's clearly labeled,
"Ages 12 and older."Copy !req
333. - But, sir, I...
- Look.Copy !req
334. We could argue philosophy
all day long,Copy !req
335. but I don't want to!Copy !req
336. Now, you're under contract,Copy !req
337. so get your impressive butt
over to that TV studio.Copy !req
338. The show starts
in three minutes!Copy !req
339. - Sir, I...
- Move it!Copy !req
340. - Aaah! Up, up and away!Copy !req
341. Well, he sure ain't
Captain Punctual.Copy !req
342. Hi. I'm Captain Impressive.Copy !req
343. - Not to me.
- Stand by.Copy !req
344. And we're on in
three... two... one.Copy !req
345. Hi, kids! Hey, and welcome
to the Captain Impressive Fun Hour, huh?Copy !req
346. Let's get right to the fun,
shall we, with this first item up for sale.Copy !req
347. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
348. And this is
Captain Impressive.Copy !req
349. Hi there, kids.
Don't forget to hold your parents' handsCopy !req
350. - when you cross...
- Right, OK.Copy !req
351. Let's take a closer look
at this Captain Impressive Figurine.Copy !req
352. Shall we?
You might expect to pay,Copy !req
353. oh, $79 for a figurine
of such fine craftsmanship and detail.Copy !req
354. - Cheap.
- Heck, $60 would be a great price.Copy !req
355. But you won't have
to pay that here.Copy !req
356. - No, no.
- Nope.Copy !req
357. You pay only $6.95!Copy !req
358. - Get in on the deal!Copy !req
359. Hey, let's take a call,
huh? Boom! Who's this?Copy !req
360. - Billy.
- Billy!Copy !req
361. You wanted to pick up
that Captain Impressive figurine, huh?Copy !req
362. - Get in on the deal!
- No, not really.Copy !req
363. It's just that
no one's ever home and I'm kind of lonelyCopy !req
364. and I want to talk
to someone and...Copy !req
365. - Right.
Thanks for calling. -Copy !req
366. Let's preview that
next item up for sale.Copy !req
367. It's the Captain Impressive
Trachea Plug.Copy !req
368. - OK, let's take another call.Copy !req
369. - Who's this?
- The baby!Copy !req
370. Hey, original name.Copy !req
371. So, you wanted
to pick up one of those beautiful figurines.Copy !req
372. Get in on the deal!Copy !req
373. Want the trachea plug!Copy !req
374. - Hmm.
- Baby?Copy !req
375. - Baby Sinclair?
- Oh! How do you...? Ha!Copy !req
376. Oh! Hi,
Captain Impressive!Copy !req
377. Can you autograph
the plug for me?Copy !req
378. Uh, Baby, why would you
want to buy a dangerous thing like this?Copy !req
379. 'Cause it's got
your name on it.Copy !req
380. And you're my hero.Copy !req
381. - Ah...
- Uh, wait a second.Copy !req
382. I wanted to be your hero,
but not to sell you things.Copy !req
383. - You got sneakers with a pump?
- Sweetheart, what's going on?Copy !req
384. - Sell.Copy !req
385. - No! This is wrong!
- [grunt, crash]Copy !req
386. I don't wanna be a part
of this anymore.Copy !req
387. Not the mama.Copy !req
388. - Earl?
- That's right.Copy !req
389. And there's something
I wanna tell you, Baby.Copy !req
390. And all the other
boys and girls out there.Copy !req
391. Something valuable
that you need to know about this whole monopolistic,Copy !req
392. evil industry that...
sells products to children.Copy !req
393. Come on, kids.Copy !req
394. Help me battle the forces
of evil high prices.Copy !req
395. Get in on the deal! Ha ha!Copy !req
396. - All done, sweetheart?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
397. - Good job.Copy !req
398. [humming, smacks lips] Hmm?Copy !req
399. Oh.Copy !req
400. Well, I showered.Copy !req
401. And...? How do you feel?Copy !req
402. I don't feel super.
But I smell a lot better.Copy !req
403. Maybe you should try
doing something super.Copy !req
404. Oh, OK. Um...Copy !req
405. 18,043 pounds.Copy !req
406. - You're mortal again.Copy !req
407. And I'm not
speaking to you.Copy !req
408. - Yeesh.Copy !req
409. Um... Hi there.Copy !req
410. It's me... Daddy.Copy !req
411. Um... Oh! Um, I got
something for you.Copy !req
412. Look. It's
Captain Impressive.Copy !req
413. Eh...Copy !req
414. Um, I fixed him
so he's safe to play with.Copy !req
415. So, um...Copy !req
416. You can...
play with him.Copy !req
417. Don't like him.Copy !req
418. How come?Copy !req
419. Doesn't have
superpowers anymore.Copy !req
420. Not a superhero.Copy !req
421. Well, I'll let you in
on a little secret.Copy !req
422. If you take off the cape
and the mask and the funny costume...Copy !req
423. sometimes you find
a real hero underneath.Copy !req
424. - Looks like you.
- That's the point.Copy !req
425. You see,
daddies are heroes too.Copy !req
426. - And mommies.Copy !req
427. We may not have
heat vision,Copy !req
428. but we go to back-breaking,
mind-numbing jobsCopy !req
429. so you can grow up
comfortablyCopy !req
430. and have some nice things
in your life.Copy !req
431. It may not be flashy...Copy !req
432. but it's real.Copy !req
433. Do you understand?Copy !req
434. I think so.Copy !req
435. Guess my weight!Copy !req
436. Jeez. Kids don't appreciate you
and don't care what you do.Copy !req
437. Hmm.Copy !req
438. Hey. Woo hoo...Copy !req
439. I'm Captain Daddy!Copy !req
440. Going to work
a mind-numbing job!Copy !req
441. Honey, I'm home!Copy !req
442. Yay, Captain Daddy!Copy !req